TOW MONICA WANTS A BABY GIRL
Written by: Selen (email: firstname.lastname@example.org)
[Scene: Delivery room]
Joey: My God.
(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.
(Joey is stunned)
Joey: Okay? What do you mean okay?
Rachel: Okay, as in “yes” I am willing to marry you.
Joey: (eyes wide open) No…no…no… I meant uhhhmm…(looks at the ring) so I guess we are getting married!? (Looks worried)
Rachel: Joey? What’s wrong? Did you just eat a tofu cake?
Joey: No…no…no… (Still looks worried) I gotta go (puts the ring back in Ross’ pocket and storms out of the room).
Rachel: (talks to Emma) And that guy will be your stepfather.
[Scene: Outside the Delivery room]
(Joey is walking quickly outside in the hallway looking back at the Delivery room, he runs into Ross, causing the bouquet of flowers falling on the floor.)
Ross: (smiling) Woah, woah woah man, what’s the rush for? (Picks up the flowers from the floor)
Joey: (scared) Uhhhmmm… (Pauses to think of an excuse) You know how tofu cake makes me vomit. YES (happy he found an excuse) Tofu cake makes me vomit, I JUST ATE A TOFU CAKE AND I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM. (Clears his throat)
Ross: (looks confused) O-K-A-Y…
Joey: (yelling) WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING THAT TODAY?
Ross: Calm down man, is everything alright?
Joey: Yes, everything is just fine, what about with you? Are you okay? DAMN IT! I meant are you fine?
Ross: I’m great, actually Joey I have to go do something.
(Joey realizes what Ross meant)
(Ross looks surprised at Joey’s reply)
Joey: I meant YO, come with me to the bathroom, you’re a doctor right? Help me throw up.
Ross: (looks grossed) Ehww.. No Joey, I really have to-
Joey: Come on Ross, I need your help (pulls Ross from the arm).
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler and Monica are sitting on a couch.]
Monica: I really think we should name her Stephanie.
Chandler: Monica! We are not even sure that you are pregnant yet so shhhhhh…
Monica: But Rachel took the name Emma so what are we gonna do? Oh my gosh, what happens if our child doesn’t have a name? She is gonna get picked in the schoolyards.
Chandler: How do you even know it’s gonna be a girl?
Monica: Why? You don’t want it to be a girl? Because if you have a problem with that then…(out of words) I don’t know what to do with that.
Chandler: Look honey, I’m just saying that it can be a boy too.
Monica: Why? I want a girl. If we have a boy then he will turn out to be like you.
Chandler: Turn out to be like me? (Jokingly) Cute and S-E-X-Y?
Monica: Noooooo, gay.
Chandler: What? You think I’m gay? My wife thinks I’m gay.
Monica: Ok the self-talking is not helping and gay as in you know your family seems like you have this gay genetic thing.
Chandler: Well don’t I prove that our family doesn’t have a homosexual DNA?
Monica: (starts laughing) Oh yeah, sure. (Sarcastically) You don’t act gay at all. (Imitates Chandler) Gee sweetheart, how does this pink shirt looks on me? Honey, do you think I should start wearing underwear instead of boxers? Hey look Monica-
Phoebe: What are you two arguing about?
Chandler: (before Monica can speak) To sum it up Monica wants a girl and apparently I look gay.
Phoebe: (looks at Monica to change the subject) So Monica how are you?
Chandler: (surprised) Hello? I look gay?
(Monica gets all happy and sits back crossing her hands together)
Phoebe: Not exactly gay…just you know unstraight. (Changes the subject) So Monica what is up with you?
Chandler: Oh well this can go on for a while, I give it up. So what is up with you Monica? Don’t you have news to tell Phoebe?
Monica: Yes, Chandler and I are trying to have a baby girl.
Phoebe: What? Oh that is so great! I’m so happy for you. (Looks on the clock hanging on the wall) I have to go you two, I promised I would meet Cliff in his room well 10 minutes ago, see you two later… Oh and Monica…good call on a baby girl. I mean if it was a boy then imagine who he would turned out to be (indirectly points at Chandler.)
[Scene: Cliff’s room, Cliff is there watching Days of Our Lives]
Phoebe: Hey Cliff.
Cliff: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: You’re watching Days of Our Lives?
Cliff: Yeah, after I saw your friend there, I have this weird think for this show now. Your friend is a really good actor.
Phoebe: So let me get this, you like the show and can’t stop watching it. That means I’m going to seat here and watch you watch it.
Cliff: Oh I’m so sorry, let me turn off the T.V. so we can have a romantic day… here in the hospital.
Phoebe: (excitingly) LETS!
(There is a pause for five seconds)
Cliff: So how did he really get on the show?
Phoebe: (looks disappointed) He auditioned for it.
Cliff: Oh you know, we can invite him here to the room so he can teach me some, you know, Dr. Drake Ramoray moves.
Phoebe: You call that romantic?
Phoebe: Remember, we were kinda trying to make our 48-hour relationship a little more exiting.
Cliff: Sorry, I’m so sorry, I did it again right? It’s just pretty cool to see someone who was in your room a few hours ago in a big black box.
Phoebe: We’re still talking about my friend Joey right?
Cliff: I meant the T.V.
Phoebe: (talks to herself) This is gonna be a long day. (Back to Cliff) Yeah, okay.
Cliff: Now I can shut up so we can start our two-day anniversary. (Smiles at Phoebe to let her know something exiting is going to happen.)
(Again there is a short pause)
Cliff: Was he really in a coma?
Phoebe: Oh my God!!!
[Scene: Rachel’s room, Rachel is sitting down on her bed with Emma in her arms.]
Monica: Hey sweetie, how’s it going?
Rachel: Fine, I just can’t believe I’m a mom now.
Monica: Yeah I can’t believe it too…and what I meant by that is just that I can’t believe you have a baby with my brother.
Rachel: Me too. I never thought in high school that I would end up getting divorced from a geek and also have a baby with him.
Rachel: Come on Mon, he was a dork in high school. (Pause) anyways have you seen Joey?
Monica: No but I know that he has been in the bathroom for half an hour with Ross trying throw up. Chandler had to go to check on them.
Rachel: Oh, okay. (Looks down on Emma.)
Monica: Rach? Is something wrong?
Rachel: Well there was this incident with him and me but you cannot tell Ross!
Monica: Oh Lord, you gave him your flower?
(They both stare at each other.)
Monica: The last time I used that phrase was when I was 16.
Rachel: Yeah. (Rolling her eyes.)
Monica: So what happened?
Rachel: I don’t know how to say this but Joey proposed to me.
[Scene: In front of the bathrooms. Joey and Chandler talking.]
Chandler: YOU PROPOSED TO HER?
Joey: Yes but I wasn’t suppose to and oh God Ross is gonna hear you.
Chandler: OH SO YOU ACCIDENTLY KNEELED DOWN, SHOWED HER A RING AND ASKED “MARRY ME RACHEL?”
Joey: Chandler tone it down a little... No, I was just showing her Ross’ ring and she thought I was proposing.
Chandler: WHAT? Ross was going to propose?
Joey: Well he had a ring so I guess yes.
Chandler: I can’t believe this, and now you ruined it for them.
Joey: For who? I was kinda curious who he was gonna propose to. Who do you think he was going to propose to?
Chandler: My mother.
Chandler: NO!!! WHO DO YOU THINK? RACHEL OF COURSE!
Joey: Oh…(eyes wide open) Oh, but he can’t! I proposed to her.
Chandler: You think?
Joey: I can’t believe this. He is gonna be so angry when he finds out that she said “yes”.
Chandler: SHE SAID “YES”?
Joey: Not exactly “yes”, she said “okay”.
(The bathroom door opens and Ross exits.)
Ross: What’s going on?
Chandler: George Clooney.
Joey: Who? (Chandler kicks Joey’s foot)... Oh yes, we were just talking about how Chandler thinks he is handsome.
Chandler: WHAT? Isn’t Joey so funny? Joey don’t you think Ross will think you’re more funny when you tell him the proposing story.
Ross: What story?
Joey: (Pats Chandler on the chest) Of course Chandler doesn’t think his cute, Monica does, my bad. (Gives Chandler an evil look.)
(Chandler leans over to Joey and whispers “thank you”)
Ross: So Joey. What proposing story?
Chandler: Oh about the upcoming show. Apparently someone is proposing to someone in Days of Our Lives.
Joey: (looks worried) Yes.
Ross: Well okay, anyways I gotta go to the university, take good care of Emma you two. See ya.
Chandler and Joey: Bye!
Chandler: That was an awkward moment.
Joey: Yeah, oh by the way, nice lie on the proposing thing. Jack is actually going to propose to Amy in the next episode.
[Scene: Rachel’s room, Monica and Rachel talking. Emma is in her crib sleeping.]
Monica: This is huge! And so you and Joey are actually getting married?
Rachel: From the looks of it, yeah.
Monica: But how is that gonna work? Didn’t you even think of Ross before you replied? Or Emma?
Rachel: Yes I did. The reason I said “okay” to Joey was because Janice told me-
Monica: Oh Rach, before you continue please tell me you did not listen to anything that Janice told you.
Monica: Oh my God. What the hell did Janice tell you that made you say “yes” to Joey?
Rachel: Hold! I said “okay” not “yes”!
Monica: Potato (in the British accent), potato (in the American accent). Whatever, so go on.
Rachel: Janice said that Emma and I are alone now because Ross would leave us . So Joey came and proposed. I agreed so I would not be alone. Man, THIS IS huge!
(Emma starts crying.)
Rachel: Oh! I was scared of this!
Monica: What happened?
Rachel: Emma is hungry that means I have to breast-feed her! I’ve never done that before!
Monica: Honey, it’s okay (sees Rachel trying to unbutton the hospital dress thing) whoa! What you doin’?
Rachel: I’m going to try to breastfeed Emma.
Monica: In front of me?
Rachel: Monica, you’ve seen Carol do it!
Monica: Yeah but Carol is a lesbian.
Rachel: What does that have to do with anything?
Monica: I DON”T KNOW! (Pause) Oh hell, I’m gonna have to do it in nine months anyways!
(Rachel starts to breastfeed Emma.)
[Scene: Joey and Chandler are talking in the Waiting room.]
Chandler: You have to tell Rachel the truth!
Joey: What about Ross?
Chandler: I don’t know whether you should tell him or not. I mean it would be better if he didn’t know about this whole engagement thing.
Joey: I just realized! I’M… ENGAGED!
(Chandler starts laughing.)
Chandler: For a minute there I thought you were going to say, “I’m… gay!”
Joey: That sounds like something you would say.
Chandler: Why does everyone think that I’m gay? I’M NOT GAY!
Joey: Ok Chandler, now can we focus on my problem.
Chandler: Oh sorry, still I’m not gay!… You gotta tell Rachel. That’s the first thing you have to do, then we’ll think of a way you can tell Ross so he wouldn’t kill you.
Joey: You think he is going to kill you?
Chandler: Maybe not kill.
Joey: Oh good.
Chandler: Probably just break your neck and bite your leg!
[Scene: Rachel’s room, Monica is crying, Rachel is sitting on the bed and Emma is sleeping in her crib.]
Monica: I WANT A BABY GIRL!
Rachel: Mon, it’s gonna be okay! You’re just upset.
(Monica stops crying and Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Hi all you sheilas.
Monica: Do you know we’re not in the 19th century?
Phoebe: Well in my days, “sheila” was a very common word for ‘ladies’.
Rachel: And Pheebs, when was that?
Monica: (whispers to Rachel) Another of her old life stories. (Pause) so Pheebs, how was it with Cliff?
Phoebe: Oh that’s over.
Monica and Rachel: Why?
Phoebe: Well let’s just say that now all he thinks about is the brilliant performance of Joey Tribianni and ‘Days of Our Lives’.
Monica: That’s to bad Phoebe.
Rachel: I’m sorry.
Phoebe: It’s just I don’t get it. I thought he was normal you know! First the horny guy, then Parker and now Cliff? What is wrong with the men in this world?
(Joey enters and when he sees Rachel he becomes uncomfortable.)
Phoebe: See? Look Joey is nice and normal. Joe, want to go out with me this Friday ‘cause all the other men in the world are sucked up by abnormality!
Joey: Uhmmm Pheebs can we talk about that later? I need to talk to Rachel.
Phoebe: Oh sorry.
(Phoebe sits down on the chair. Monica and Phoebe stare at Joey.)
(Joey clears his throat.)
Monica and Phoebe: Oh sorry.
Rachel: What’s up Joe?
Joey: Uhhmm… remember what happened before?
Rachel: Yes, accurately!
Joey: Well, (pauses). With “okay” you really meant “no” right?
Rachel: No, I meant “okay” as in “now I pronounce you husband and wife”.
Joey: (under his breathe) That’s what I was afraid of.
Joey: Look Rachel, I wasn’t proposing to you.
Joey: I found the ring and I was showing it to you.
Rachel: OH MY GOD! I feel so embarrassed. So if that wasn’t your ring then… OH MY GOD!
Joey: Look I didn’t tell Ross what happened. So please, please let’s not mention what happened to him.
Rachel: But he was going to propose?
Joey: Considering that he ad a ring with him, I guess so.
Rachel: WOW! (Still in a shock.)
Joey: I’m so sorry Rachel about what happened. Can I ask you a question?
Rachel: Yeah, sure.
Joey: Why did you agree to get married with me?
Rachel: I was afraid that was going to come up. Well you know it’s just I didn’t want to be alone in this whole baby-taking-thing.
Joey: (Looks disappointed) Gotcha.
Rachel: Sorry Joey.
Joey: Oh it’s okay. At least now I don’t get to spend my money on a wedding.
Joey: Well I better get going so see ya.
Rachel: Bye… HE WAS REALLY GONNA PROPOSE?
[Scene: Chandler is waiting for Joey outside Rachel’s room.]
(Joey exits the room.)
Chandler: So how did it go?
Joey: She took it well.
Chandler: Oh good.
Joey: What are you doing here?
Chandler: I was… just waiting for you!
Joey: No really, what ARE you doing here?
Chandler: Well…MONICA IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! She has this baby girl fever! She can’t decide whether our baby should be named Stacie or Tracie!
Joey: You’re having a baby?
Chandler: Oh yes, I’m pregnant.
Joey: (laughs and then suddenly stops laughing.) Not funny!
Chandler: Well Monica and I are trying to have a baby!
Joey: Oh congratulations but I kinda hope it’s not a boy though!
Chandler: Will you all stop it with that? Do you really think that I look gay too?
Joey: Well that yes! But what I meant by that was since you look gay, then your girl will be gay! Then there will be a lot of lesbian love scenes that Joey will see! (smiles.)
(Chandler looks really angry and starts chasing him down that hall.)
[Scene: Ross enters Rachel’s room wet and covered in mud, everyone is there.]
Chandler: Back from the your hometown…the jungle?
Ross: (gives Chandler an evil look) You know all I need is one of your stupid jokes.
Chandler: Sorry I was just trying to make the atmosphere more fun.
Monica: (ignores Chandler) What happened Ross?
Ross: You can’t believe the day I had! There was no taxi so I had to walk here and then I fell in to a pile of mud! I’M SO ANGRY!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE GOVERNMENT? THEY SHOULD PUT MORE TAXIS ON THE STREETS!
Phoebe: Calm down Ross!
Rachel: (whispers to Phoebe) Take it back! Don’t say it!
Ross: HOW SHOULD I CALM DOWN? (And continues arguing and yelling.)
Chandler: (to Joey while Ross is still yelling) Glad you didn’t tell him about the ring?