TOW JOEY TOOK A TEST>
[Scene: Coffee House, everyone is there except Rachel and Emma.]
(Phoebe is singing.)
Iím here singing in the coffee house
And yesterday I was wearing a blue blouse.>
My best friend Rachel had a baby>
And my other friend Ross became more crabby.>
Monica and Chandler are trying to have a baby,>
I donít know how that would work if Chandler is gay.>
Joey is still seeing that lady.>
And now my song is finished, and yes she is an imaginary lady!>
(Everyone starts clapping.)
Phoebe: Thank you, thank you very much! This song was dedicated to my straight friend Chandler (winks at Chandler.)
(The gang looks surprised.)
[Scene: Coffee House, everyone except Rachel is sitting around the coffee table.]
Ross: Iím gonna get a coffee, does anyone else want anything?
Phoebe: Oh yeah, (in a sexy voice) I want a cookie.
Ross: (Slowly.) O-k-a-y.
(Ross goes to the counter.)
Monica: (To Phoebe) Look at you all flirty today.
Joey: Whatís going Pheebs?
Chandler: Well her last boyfriend wasnít putting out.
Phoebe: No, I NEED A BOYFRIEND! I mean gosh every guy lately I dated, was either horny or crazy.
(Ross comes back to the couch.)
Ross: Oh Phoebe, sorry I canít get your cookie Ďcause I promised I would go see Rachel in five minutes.
Phoebe: Itís okay sugar, Iíll see you later tonight where you can give YOUR cookie to me. (Licks her lips to show him she is turned on.)
(Ross storms out Central Perk.)
Phoebe: Joey, Monica told me what happened with you and Rachel! I have to say that it was disappointing seeing how you forgot about me and also MY GOD! What hell were you thinking?
Joey: Can we stop talking about this? And everything is fine.
Monica: What about Ross?
Joey: Well Rachel and me decided not to tell Ross about this whole thing.
Phoebe: So Ross is going to propose?
Joey: I donít know.
Chandler: Letís just make sure we donít ask Joey to get us tissue paper or weíll end up marrying him.
Joey: Hey man. Next time you make your clever jokes, remind me to laugh!
Monica: (To Chandler) Honey, I think itís time for you to go to work.
Phoebe: Wait, (to Chandler) arenít you going to talk to Ross about proposing?
Chandler: Why me?
Joey: Well you are his guy friend and I canít do it Ďcause I asked the girl he knocked off to marry me.
Chandler: I knew there was a bad reason why I shouldíve not ended Rossí best friend. Well never mind, see you all later.
(Joey and Phoebe sit next to Monica.)
Joey: So Monica, any news about the whole baby thing?
Monica: Well I took a pregnancy test this morning, still not fertilized!
Phoebe: Is it because Chandler is really bad in bed? Or is it because his u know is bend?
Phoebe: Well itís just when I was massaging him, I looked and let me tell you itís-
Joey: Okay, okay, donít go further!
Phoebe: Okay. So Monica you gotta take the test again! Before I knew I was pregnant I had to take that test like at least three times to know whether I was pregnant.
Monica: I know, Iím gonna take it again tonight!
Joey: Make sure you pee in the stick in an angle.
Joey: Well I tried it once at least five times and finally when I peed in a 75degree angle, it was positive.
Phoebe and Monica: WHAT?
Joey: I mean I donít do that!
Monica: How can it be positive? Youíre not pregnant!
Joey: Oh youíre talking about a pregnancy test! I thought you were talking aboutÖ for get it.
Phoebe: What test did you take?
Joey: (Looks at his watch on purpose.) Oh gotta go, see ya!
(Runs out the coffee house.)
[Scene: Hospital, Rachelís room, Rachel is packing up and Emma is lying on the crib.]
(Ross enters with bouquet of flowers.)
Ross: Hey Rach! How is it going?
Rachel: Oh great but I had to spend the whole night up because some people wouldnít appreciate good food.
Ross: She is only two days old!
Rachel: A little slow today huh?
Ross: Oh it was a joke, I get itÖfunny. (Makes a weird face.)
Rachel: You have something to give me? (Points at the flowers.)
Ross: Yeah here are some flowers for (pause) for for-
Rachel: For nothing?
Ross: For bringing this wonderful creature to this world. I got them yesterday but I couldnít give them to you because well because of Joey, he got sick from tofu cake.
Rachel: Oh right. By the way, your parents stopped by before and so did mine.
Ross: That should have been fun!
Rachel: Well not until all the eye poking between my parents started. (Pause.) Uhhmm Ross can I ask you a question?
Rachel: Is there anything that you wanted to do that you didnít? I mean an unfinished thing?
Ross: (Eyes wide open.) Wha, wha, wha, what? Why, why, why, why are you asking?
Rachel: Just wandering.
(Pause for five seconds.)
Rachel: I DO ROSS!
Ross: (Shocked.) You do what?
Rachel: I DO! (Gives him a look that shows that she is saying ďyesĒ.)
Ross: What? How do you? How? Do you? What?
Rachel: I heard about what you were going to do yesterday!
Ross: And now youíre saying ďyesĒ?
Rachel: YES! Look Ross itís just I need to make sure that Emma has a father!
Ross: Oh so thatís the only reason you want to get married!
Rachel: Well also-
Ross: Oh you know I donít need to hear this, I thought you were saying ďyesĒ because you loved me. I donít want to waste my time knowing that Iím getting married just so I can be used! I can do it myself!
Ross: Never mind. Iíll see you outside the hospital!
(Takes her suitcase and leaves.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlerís, Joey and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: Come on Pheebs! Youíre hot! Stop worrying! Youíre gonna end up with someone.
Phoebe: I know Joey, I know!
Joey: Okay. (Rolls his eyes.)
Chandler: Hello children.
Chandler: What are we shhhhhhhhhhhhhhing about?
Phoebe: Monica is taking her pregnancy test again and weíre giving her some respect.
Chandler: Oh great!
(Monica comes out the bathroom.)
Monica: Chandler! Is something wrong with you?
Chandler: No why?
Monica: Well I canít get pregnant with you! Were your parents like strange?
Chandler: Uhmmmm, breath.
Monica: Oh gosh, Iím sorry, Iím taking my anger on you.
Phoebe: So still no luck, huh?
Monica: Not even close!
(Rachel and Ross enter with Emma.)
Everyone: Oh hey!
Monica: Let me see my niece.
Joey and Phoebe: Oh so cute.
Chandler: Thank you, I know I am.
Rachel: Please donít start with your jokes!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlerís, they are all sitting on the couch.]
(Monica is playing with Emma.)
Rachel: Itís just so great not going to work for a month.
Chandler: Yeah itís the best.
Monica: He calls in sick everyday.
Rachel: Oh okay.
Ross: People I gotta go now, I have a class in 20 minutes.
Everybody except Rachel: Bye Ross!
Ross: See you all later and bye Emma. (Kisses her on the forehead.)
Joey: Rach, is something wrong between you and Ross?
Rachel: Uhmmm we just had this stupid argument.
Monica: You told him about the proposal?
Rachel: No, no, no, of course not. I said ďI DOĒ.
Chandler: Oh I can see how those two words can cause an argument.
Rachel: I mean I meant that I wanted to get married with him.
Phoebe: And what was the fight about?
Rachel: Well he thought I was saying ďyesĒ because I didnít want to be alone with Emma.
Monica: But do you really love him?
Rachel: I donít know, itís just too complicated.
Chandler: Complicated as getting married, then divorced and then having a baby and still not together?
Rachel: Thatís my point. I mean I know itís always ďRoss and RachelĒ but you know what if it isnít ďRoss and RachelĒ?
Joey: What? You have other names?
Chandler: Okay Joey, why donít we just donít say anything for a while.
Chandler: Me with the jokes and you with the nonsense.
Monica: Look weíre here to help you. Weíre not here to force you in to a relationship with him but it seems clear that you already have a relationship with him that you both are not aware of.
Phoebe: Yeah, I mean you told us that you kissed before going to the hospital and I had a talk with Ross and itís pretty obvious he still loves you.
Monica: AND YOU DIDNíT TELL ME?
Phoebe: Well did you tell me about what happened to Chandler when you were in your honeymoon durin-
Monica: Oh sorry.
Phoebe: Look Iím just saying he still loves you!
Rachel: How do you know that?
Phoebe: I know it. He still loves you, heís just afraid of breaking up with you and putting Emma in all that pressure.
Chandler: Oh then definitely donít get back together Ďcause you know ďwe were on a breakĒ ďno we werenít!Ē (Makes Ross and Rachel impression.)
(All of them give Candler an evil look.)
Chandler: What? Phoebe is allowed to tell secrets but Iím not allowed to make jokes?
Monica: (Ignoring Chandler.) We all think that you should just talk to him.
Rachel: Okay, thanks. Now let me just go to my place to change poopie poopersonís diaper. (Takes Emma and leaves.)
Chandler: Iím going to the coffee house, anyone wanna come?
(They all stare at him.)
Chandler: Okay everyone is still angry with me for the joke, I guess Iíll go alone.
(Chandler goes to the kitchen.)
Monica: (Leans over to Joey with Phoebe.)(Whispering.) So about that test, what test was it?
Joey: (Catching up to Chandler.) Uhmmm, Chandler Iím not mad at you, Iíll go with you. (Turns back to look at Phoebe and Monica.)
(Chandler and Joey leaves.)
Monica: You know what?
Monica: Do you want to know what I was about to say?
Phoebe: No but Iím bored so sure.
Monica: (Looks at Phoebe.) Well since I tried that negative and positive pregnancy test Iím going to try the other one.
Phoebe: Which one?
Monica: The pink and the blue one!
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Monica: You know the other pregnancy test that gives pink or blue result.
Phoebe: Oh okay. For a minute there I thought you were talking about doing the Teletubbies.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting alone.]
Ross: Hey Chan.
Chandler: Hey Ro.
Ross: Whereís everybody?
Chandler: You canít see them?
Ross: Really where are they?
Chandler: Joey had to go to an audition, Rachel is at your place with Emma, Phoebe and Monica are I donít know where and a big paleontologist is on my face.
Ross: Oh I better go up and check on Rachel.
Chandler: Oh hey man, I needed to talk to you about that since they all forced me in to talking to you.
Ross: (Sits next to him.) Whatís up?
Chandler: Rachel told us about what happened.
Ross: Look I donít want to get on that.
Chandler: You both love each other.
Ross: Chandler really just-
Chandler: For once you people listen to me! Just because Iím bad at my jokes doesnít mean Iím bad at counseling.
Ross: Okay fine go on.
Chandler: Just go up and talk to her.
Ross: Thatís all the advice youíre going to give me?
Chandler: Fine Iím bad at that too but I just donít want you to get back together because of us. You go and sort this thing out.
Ross: Fine Iíll think about it.
(Ross leaves without saying ďbyeĒ.)
Chandler: What do I have to do to be more appreciated?
(Gunther comes behind Chandler.)
Gunther: You were appreciated by me but not anymore!
Gunther: You encouraged Ross in to talking to Rachel! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS SEPARATE THEM! (Gets angry and leaves while pushing anyone that comes in his way.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachelís apartment, Rachel is lifting Emma up.]
Rachel: Ooh look at you all clean. Now you donít smell like my Aunt Muriel.
(Pause for five seconds.)
Ross: Look Rach-
Rachel: Itís okay.
Ross: Really? I mean I think I didnít take it well.
Rachel: Really, itís okay.
Ross: And about that ring. I wasnít going to propose. My mom gave it to me incase I wanted to.
Rachel: (Hurt.) Oh!
Rachel: (Happy.) Oh!
Ross: Then I was talking to Phoebe and she made me realize that I want more than just a baby with you.
Rachel: (More happy.) OH!
Ross: Okay I would really appreciate it if you said something more than ďohĒ.
Ross: Well the deal is that now I know what I want but Iím not sure what you want.
Rachel: But I do know what I want.
Ross: Look before you say anything I just want to give you time to think. Until then letís just be ďRoss and RachelĒ in best friends kinda way.
Rachel: Well okay, if we are going to end up together then I guess itís worth the wait.
Ross: So weíre cool.
Rachel: You know you are bad at this hugging thing. First the baby into my bladder and now you still push my bladder.
Rachel: I have to pee.
Rachel: Okay Ross, stop saying ďohĒ.
[Scene: Chandler and Monicaís apartment. Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler are sitting in the living room.]
Chandler: I said Ďsorryí a million times. It was just a stupid joke how can you be still mad at me about it?
Monica: Well we are.
Chandler: But it wasnít a joke for you guys.
Joey: Still the incident caused us a lot of pain. You know how we were stuck in Monicaís room for a whole night with no food.
Chandler: You ended up having sex that day.
Joey: Oh yeah!
Phoebe: Just donít talk again and weíll forgive you.
Chandler: Okay no more jokes today.
Monica: NO! Not even a word.
(Again Ross and Rachel enter with Emma.)
Rachel: Hey you all!
Phoebe: (Monica impression.) Oh look at my little niece! You are so tiny! (Takes Emma.)
Ross: Chandler not making any jokes? (To Chandler.) What happened man?
Monica: Heís not allowed to talk today so stop asking questions.
Phoebe: Oh no!
Phoebe: Well someone kinda needs new diapers.
Rachel: Oh let me go in to Monicaís room to change her diaper. (Takes Emma.)
Monica: WHAT? (Quietly.) I mean what?
Rachel: I meant ďlet me go take you to the bathroom.Ē
(Rachel goes in to Monicaís room with Emma quickly and locks the door.)
(Monica goes to the door and starts banging on the door.)
Monica: Rachel! Get out!
(Chandler is trying to talk but he canít open his mouth.)
Monica: (To Chandler.) What do you want you wuss? You are gonna clean that room!
Joey: Why does he have to clean the room?
Monica: Because, becauseÖ I DONíT KNOW! He just has to.
(Rachel comes out Monicaís room.)
Rachel: All clean now. Thanks Mon.
(Monica makes an angry face.)
(They all sit down in the living room.)
Ross: (To Monica.) Why are you acting like this to Chandler?
Joey: Yeah, you are acting really unfair to him.
Monica: Really? If you think Iím acting unfair then why donít you tell us what test you took!
Phoebe: Oh yeah!
Joey: I canít do that!
Rachel and Ross: What test?
(Chandler tries to talk but he canít open his mouth.)
Joey: (To Chandler.) YOU SHUSH!
Ross: And Chandler knows? What test was this?
Monica: Joey took some kind of test and it gave a positive result!
Rachel and Ross: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Come on Joey tell us, it wonít hurt to tell.
Joey: Okay fine!
(Chandler makes some noise.)
Joey: Chandler, Iím gonna tell them. I have to. Theyíre my best friends.
(Joey gets up in front of them.)
Joey: Well one day I was really bored. I was so bored that I even shaved my legs.
Ross: (To the others.) Sounds like he was bored.
Joey: So I decided to go to the Doctorís. And I saw this test. So I did it and the doctor said I had positive result so bye! (Tries to go but Monica holds him.)
Monica: What test was it?
Joey: (Pause.) AIDS.
All except Chandler: (They get up on the same time.) OH MY GOD!
Ross: How? How? How?
Phoebe: OH MY GOD! That means I have it too.
(Everyone still stares at Joey and they didnít hear what Phoebe said except Chandler. Chandlerís eyes are wide open and he tries telling something to Monica.)
Monica: Chandler will you just stop! Ö (To Joey.) How?
Joey: (Heard what Phoebe said and his eyes are wide open too.) Phoebe!
(Chandler is trying to tell the others something but they are ignoring him. He points at Phoebe and Joey.)
Phoebe: Chandler shut up!
Chandler: (To Phoebe.) YOU HAD SEX WITH JOEY?
All except Joey and Phoebe: WHAT?
Phoebe: (To Chandler.) Thatís why you donít talk.
Rachel: Too much information today!
Joey: Well we must go, come on Pheebs. (Pulls her from the arm and they storm out the apartment.)
Rachel: I CANíT BELIEVE THIS!
Ross: Phoebe and Joey? Thatís gross!
(Chandler is happy that he figured it out first.)
Monica: What are you smiling about? Ö Still I knew I married you for a reason. (They start kissing passionately.)
Ross: OH!!! Thatís even more gross!
[Scene: Coffee House. Everyone is sitting down.]
Phoebe: All weíre telling you is it happened four years ago.
Rachel: How can you not tell us?
Joey: Well Monica and Chandler didnít tell us.
Chandler: But we were in a relationship.
Ross: Do you love each other?
Joey: No, I mean that was just one night.
Monica: But still! Itís you and Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay can we stop talking about this?
Rachel: How can we? Itís a big deal.
Phoebe: Really? Then I think itís a big deal that you were about to have sex with Ross a week ago.
(Ross and Rachelís eyes are widely opened.)
Ross: (To Rachel.) You told her?
Phoebe: You were about to have sex? I just made that up to joke around.
(Now Ross and Rachel look really worried.)
Ross: We gotta go. (Pulls Rachel from the arm and storms out.)
Chandler: Why is everyone going without finishing their story?
(Rachel comes back quickly.)
Rachel: (To all.) We were about to for my water to break. But we didnít. We did have a hell of a kiss. But (To Phoebe and Joey.) YOU HAD SEX!
(Ross comes back and pulls Rachel out of the Coffee House.)
Phoebe: I bet they are doing it.
Phoebe: (Looks hurt.) But Joey has AIDS!
Joey: How many times do I have to tell you all, it was a false positive! The doctor said I didnít have AIDS!
Chandler: (To others.) He also had sex with the doctor that evening.
Joey: Chandler! Ö (Smiling.) I did though!