TOW JOEY TOOK A TEST>

 

[Scene: Coffee House, everyone is there except Rachel and Emma.]

 

(Phoebe is singing.)

 

I’m here singing in the coffee house

And yesterday I was wearing a blue blouse.>

My best friend Rachel had a baby>

And my other friend Ross became more crabby.>

Monica and Chandler are trying to have a baby,>

I don’t know how that would work if Chandler is gay.>

Joey is still seeing that lady.>

And now my song is finished, and yes she is an imaginary lady!>

 

(Everyone starts clapping.)

 

Phoebe: Thank you, thank you very much! This song was dedicated to my straight friend Chandler (winks at Chandler.)

 

(The gang looks surprised.)

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

[Scene: Coffee House, everyone except Rachel is sitting around the coffee table.]

 

Ross: I’m gonna get a coffee, does anyone else want anything?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, (in a sexy voice) I want a cookie.

Ross: (Slowly.) O-k-a-y.

 

(Ross goes to the counter.)

 

Monica: (To Phoebe) Look at you all flirty today.

Joey: What’s going Pheebs?

Chandler: Well her last boyfriend wasn’t putting out.

Phoebe: No, I NEED A BOYFRIEND! I mean gosh every guy lately I dated, was either horny or crazy.

 

(Ross comes back to the couch.)

Ross: Oh Phoebe, sorry I can’t get your cookie ‘cause I promised I would go see Rachel in five minutes.

Phoebe: It’s okay sugar, I’ll see you later tonight where you can give YOUR cookie to me. (Licks her lips to show him she is turned on.)

 

(Ross storms out Central Perk.)

 

Phoebe: Joey, Monica told me what happened with you and Rachel! I have to say that it was disappointing seeing how you forgot about me and also MY GOD! What hell were you thinking?

Joey: Can we stop talking about this?  And everything is fine.

Monica: What about Ross?

Joey: Well Rachel and me decided not to tell Ross about this whole thing.

Phoebe: So Ross is going to propose?

Joey: I don’t know.

Chandler: Let’s just make sure we don’t ask Joey to get us tissue paper or we’ll end up marrying him.

Joey: Hey man. Next time you make your clever jokes, remind me to laugh!

Monica: (To Chandler) Honey, I think it’s time for you to go to work.

Phoebe: Wait, (to Chandler) aren’t you going to talk to Ross about proposing?

Chandler: Why me?

Joey: Well you are his guy friend and I can’t do it ‘cause I asked the girl he knocked off to marry me.

Chandler: I knew there was a bad reason why I should’ve not ended Ross’ best friend. Well never mind, see you all later.

 

(Chandler exits.)

(Joey and Phoebe sit next to Monica.)

 

Joey: So Monica, any news about the whole baby thing?

Monica: Well I took a pregnancy test this morning, still not fertilized!

Phoebe: Is it because Chandler is really bad in bed? Or is it because his u know is bend?

Monica: Phoebe!!!

Phoebe: Well it’s just when I was massaging him, I looked and let me tell you it’s-

Joey: Okay, okay, don’t go further!

Phoebe: Okay. So Monica you gotta take the test again!  Before I knew I was pregnant I had to take that test like at least three times to know whether I was pregnant.

Monica: I know, I’m gonna take it again tonight!

Joey: Make sure you pee in the stick in an angle.

Monica: Why?

Joey: Well I tried it once at least five times and finally when I peed in a 75degree angle, it was positive.

Phoebe and Monica: WHAT?

Joey: I mean I don’t do that!

Monica: How can it be positive? You’re not pregnant!

Joey: Oh you’re talking about a pregnancy test! I thought you were talking about… for get it.

Phoebe: What test did you take?

Joey: (Looks at his watch on purpose.) Oh gotta go, see ya!

 

(Runs out the coffee house.)

 

[Scene: Hospital, Rachel’s room, Rachel is packing up and Emma is lying on the crib.]

 

(Ross enters with bouquet of flowers.)

 

Ross: Hey Rach! How is it going?

Rachel: Oh great but I had to spend the whole night up because some people wouldn’t appreciate good food.

Ross: Who?

Rachel: Emma!

Ross: She is only two days old!

Rachel: A little slow today huh?

Ross: Oh it was a joke, I get it…funny. (Makes a weird face.)

Rachel: You have something to give me? (Points at the flowers.)

Ross: Yeah here are some flowers for (pause) for for-

Rachel: For nothing?

Ross: For bringing this wonderful creature to this world. I got them yesterday but I couldn’t give them to you because well because of Joey, he got sick from tofu cake.

Rachel: Oh right. By the way, your parents stopped by before and so did mine.

Ross: That should have been fun!

Rachel: Well not until all the eye poking between my parents started. (Pause.) Uhhmm Ross can I ask you a question?

Ross: Sure.

Rachel: Is there anything that you wanted to do that you didn’t? I mean an unfinished thing?

Ross: (Eyes wide open.) Wha, wha, wha, what? Why, why, why, why are you asking?

Rachel: Just wandering.

Ross: Okay.

 

(Pause for five seconds.)

 

Rachel: I DO ROSS!

Ross: (Shocked.) You do what?

Rachel: I DO! (Gives him a look that shows that she is saying “yes”.)

Ross: What? How do you? How? Do you? What?

Rachel: I heard about what you were going to do yesterday!

Ross: And now you’re saying “yes”?

Rachel: YES! Look Ross it’s just I need to make sure that Emma has a father!

Ross: Oh so that’s the only reason you want to get married!

Rachel: Well also-

Ross: Oh you know I don’t need to hear this, I thought you were saying “yes” because you loved me. I don’t want to waste my time knowing that I’m getting married just so I can be used! I can do it myself!

Rachel: What?

Ross: Never mind. I’ll see you outside the hospital!

 

(Takes her suitcase and leaves.)

 

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Joey and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]

 

Joey: Come on Pheebs! You’re hot! Stop worrying! You’re gonna end up with someone.

Phoebe: I know Joey, I know!

Joey: Okay. (Rolls his eyes.)

 

(Chandler enters.)

 

Chandler: Hello children.

Joey: Shhhhhhhh!

Chandler: What are we shhhhhhhhhhhhhhing about?

Phoebe: Monica is taking her pregnancy test again and we’re giving her some respect.

Chandler: Oh great!

 

(Monica comes out the bathroom.)

 

Monica: Chandler! Is something wrong with you?

Chandler: No why?

Monica: Well I can’t get pregnant with you! Were your parents like strange?

Chandler: Uhmmmm, breath.

Monica: Oh gosh, I’m sorry, I’m taking my anger on you.

Phoebe: So still no luck, huh?

Monica: Not even close!

 

(Rachel and Ross enter with Emma.)

 

Everyone: Oh hey!

Monica: Let me see my niece.

Joey and Phoebe: Oh so cute.

Chandler: Thank you, I know I am.

Rachel: Please don’t start with your jokes!

Chandler: Sorry!

 

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, they are all sitting on the couch.]

 

(Monica is playing with Emma.)

 

Rachel: It’s just so great not going to work for a month.

Chandler: Yeah it’s the best.

Rachel: What?

Monica: He calls in sick everyday.

Rachel: Oh okay.

Ross: People I gotta go now, I have a class in 20 minutes.

Everybody except Rachel: Bye Ross!

Ross: See you all later and bye Emma. (Kisses her on the forehead.)

 

(Ross leaves.)

 

Joey: Rach, is something wrong between you and Ross?

Rachel: Uhmmm we just had this stupid argument.

Monica: You told him about the proposal?

Rachel: No, no, no, of course not. I said “I DO”.

Chandler: Oh I can see how those two words can cause an argument.

Rachel: I mean I meant that I wanted to get married with him.

Phoebe: And what was the fight about?

Rachel: Well he thought I was saying “yes” because I didn’t want to be alone with Emma.

Monica: But do you really love him?

Rachel: I don’t know, it’s just too complicated.

Chandler: Complicated as getting married, then divorced and then having a baby and still not together?

Rachel: That’s my point. I mean I know it’s always “Ross and Rachel” but you know what if it isn’t “Ross and Rachel”?

Joey: What? You have other names?

Chandler: Okay Joey, why don’t we just don’t say anything for a while.

Joey: Why?

Chandler: Me with the jokes and you with the nonsense.

Monica: Look we’re here to help you. We’re not here to force you in to a relationship with him but it seems clear that you already have a relationship with him that you both are not aware of.

Phoebe: Yeah, I mean you told us that you kissed before going to the hospital and I had a talk with Ross and it’s pretty obvious he still loves you.

Monica: AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?

Phoebe: Well did you tell me about what happened to Chandler when you were in your honeymoon durin-

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel: HELLO?

Monica: Oh sorry.

Phoebe: Look I’m just saying he still loves you!

Rachel: How do you know that?

Phoebe: I know it. He still loves you, he’s just afraid of breaking up with you and putting Emma in all that pressure.

Chandler: Oh then definitely don’t get back together ‘cause you know “we were on a break” “no we weren’t!” (Makes Ross and Rachel impression.)

 

(All of them give Candler an evil look.)

Chandler: What? Phoebe is allowed to tell secrets but I’m not allowed to make jokes?

Monica: (Ignoring Chandler.) We all think that you should just talk to him.

Rachel: Okay, thanks. Now let me just go to my place to change poopie pooperson’s diaper. (Takes Emma and leaves.)

 

Chandler: I’m going to the coffee house, anyone wanna come?

 

(They all stare at him.)

 

Chandler: Okay everyone is still angry with me for the joke, I guess I’ll go alone.

 

(Chandler goes to the kitchen.)

 

Monica: (Leans over to Joey with Phoebe.)(Whispering.) So about that test, what test was it?

Joey: (Catching up to Chandler.) Uhmmm, Chandler I’m not mad at you, I’ll go with you. (Turns back to look at Phoebe and Monica.)

 

(Chandler and Joey leaves.)

 

Monica: You know what?

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Do you want to know what I was about to say?

Phoebe: No but I’m bored so sure.

Monica: (Looks at Phoebe.) Well since I tried that negative and positive pregnancy test I’m going to try the other one.

Phoebe: Which one?

Monica: The pink and the blue one!

Phoebe: What are you talking about?

Monica: You know the other pregnancy test that gives pink or blue result.

Phoebe: Oh okay. For a minute there I thought you were talking about doing the Teletubbies.

 

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting alone.]

 

(Ross enters.)

 

Ross: Hey Chan.

Chandler: Hey Ro.

Ross: Where’s everybody?

Chandler: You can’t see them?

Ross: Really where are they?

Chandler: Joey had to go to an audition, Rachel is at your place with Emma, Phoebe and Monica are I don’t know where and a big paleontologist is on my face.

Ross: Oh I better go up and check on Rachel.

Chandler: Oh hey man, I needed to talk to you about that since they all forced me in to talking to you.

Ross: (Sits next to him.) What’s up?

Chandler: Rachel told us about what happened.

Ross: Look I don’t want to get on that.

Chandler: You both love each other.

Ross: Chandler really just-

Chandler: For once you people listen to me! Just because I’m bad at my jokes doesn’t mean I’m bad at counseling.

Ross: Okay fine go on.

Chandler: Just go up and talk to her.

Ross: That’s all the advice you’re going to give me?

Chandler: Fine I’m bad at that too but I just don’t want you to get back together because of us. You go and sort this thing out.

Ross: Fine I’ll think about it.

 

(Ross leaves without saying “bye”.)

 

Chandler: What do I have to do to be more appreciated?

 

(Gunther comes behind Chandler.)

 

Gunther: You were appreciated by me but not anymore!

Chandler: Why?

Gunther: You encouraged Ross in to talking to Rachel! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS SEPARATE THEM! (Gets angry and leaves while pushing anyone that comes in his way.)

 

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel is lifting Emma up.]

 

Rachel: Ooh look at you all clean. Now you don’t smell like my Aunt Muriel.

 

(Ross enters.)

 

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

 

(Pause for five seconds.)

 

Ross: Look Rach-

Rachel: It’s okay.

Ross: Really? I mean I think I didn’t take it well.

Rachel: Really, it’s okay.

Ross: And about that ring. I wasn’t going to propose. My mom gave it to me incase I wanted to.

Rachel: (Hurt.) Oh!

Ross: But-

Rachel: (Happy.) Oh!

Ross: Then I was talking to Phoebe and she made me realize that I want more than just a baby with you.

Rachel: (More happy.) OH!

Ross: Okay I would really appreciate it if you said something more than “oh”.

Rachel: Sorry.

Ross: Well the deal is that now I know what I want but I’m not sure what you want.

Rachel: But I do know what I want.

Ross: Look before you say anything I just want to give you time to think. Until then let’s just be “Ross and Rachel” in best friends kinda way.

Rachel: Well okay, if we are going to end up together then I guess it’s worth the wait.

Ross: So we’re cool.

Rachel: Yeah.

 

(They hug.)

 

Rachel: You know you are bad at this hugging thing. First the baby into my bladder and now you still push my bladder.

Ross: Oh!

Rachel: I have to pee.

Ross: Oh!

Rachel: Okay Ross, stop saying “oh”.

Ross: Sorry.

 

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s apartment. Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler are sitting in the living room.]

 

Chandler: I said ‘sorry’ a million times. It was just a stupid joke how can you be still mad at me about it?

Monica: Well we are.

Chandler: But it wasn’t a joke for you guys.

Joey: Still the incident caused us a lot of pain. You know how we were stuck in Monica’s room for a whole night with no food.

Chandler: You ended up having sex that day.

Joey: Oh yeah!

Phoebe: Just don’t talk again and we’ll forgive you.

Chandler: Okay no more jokes today.

Monica: NO! Not even a word.

Chandler: But-

Monica: Shhhh!

 

(Again Ross and Rachel enter with Emma.)

 

Rachel: Hey you all!

Phoebe: (Monica impression.) Oh look at my little niece! You are so tiny! (Takes Emma.)

Ross: Chandler not making any jokes? (To Chandler.) What happened man?

Monica: He’s not allowed to talk today so stop asking questions.

Phoebe: Oh no!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Well someone kinda needs new diapers.

Rachel: Oh let me go in to Monica’s room to change her diaper. (Takes Emma.)

Monica: WHAT? (Quietly.) I mean what?

Rachel: I meant “let me go take you to the bathroom.”

 

(Rachel goes in to Monica’s room with Emma quickly and locks the door.)

(Monica goes to the door and starts banging on the door.)

 

Monica: Rachel! Get out!

 

(Chandler is trying to talk but he can’t open his mouth.)

 

Monica: (To Chandler.) What do you want you wuss? You are gonna clean that room!

Joey: Why does he have to clean the room?

Monica: Because, because… I DON’T KNOW! He just has to.

 

(Rachel comes out Monica’s room.)

 

Rachel: All clean now. Thanks Mon.

 

(Monica makes an angry face.)

 

(They all sit down in the living room.)

 

Ross: (To Monica.) Why are you acting like this to Chandler?

Joey: Yeah, you are acting really unfair to him.

Monica: Really? If you think I’m acting unfair then why don’t you tell us what test you took!

Phoebe: Oh yeah!

Joey: I can’t do that!

Rachel and Ross: What test?

 

(Chandler tries to talk but he can’t open his mouth.)

 

Joey: (To Chandler.) YOU SHUSH!

Ross: And Chandler knows? What test was this?

Monica: Joey took some kind of test and it gave a positive result!

Rachel and Ross: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Come on Joey tell us, it won’t hurt to tell.

Joey: Okay fine!

 

(Chandler makes some noise.)

 

Joey: Chandler, I’m gonna tell them. I have to. They’re my best friends.

 

(Joey gets up in front of them.)

 

Joey: Well one day I was really bored. I was so bored that I even shaved my legs.

Ross: (To the others.) Sounds like he was bored.

Monica: SHHHHH!

Ross: Fine!

Joey: So I decided to go to the Doctor’s. And I saw this test. So I did it and the doctor said I had positive result so bye! (Tries to go but Monica holds him.)

Monica: What test was it?

Joey: (Pause.) AIDS.

All except Chandler: (They get up on the same time.) OH MY GOD!

Ross: How? How? How?

Phoebe: OH MY GOD! That means I have it too.

 

(Everyone still stares at Joey and they didn’t hear what Phoebe said except Chandler. Chandler’s eyes are wide open and he tries telling something to Monica.)

 

Monica: Chandler will you just stop! … (To Joey.) How?

Joey: (Heard what Phoebe said and his eyes are wide open too.) Phoebe!

 

(Chandler is trying to tell the others something but they are ignoring him. He points at Phoebe and Joey.)

 

Phoebe: Chandler shut up!

Chandler: (To Phoebe.) YOU HAD SEX WITH JOEY?

All except Joey and Phoebe: WHAT?

Phoebe: (To Chandler.) That’s why you don’t talk.

Rachel: Too much information today!

Joey: Well we must go, come on Pheebs. (Pulls her from the arm and they storm out the apartment.)

 

Rachel: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!

Ross: Phoebe and Joey? That’s gross!

 

(Chandler is happy that he figured it out first.)

 

Monica: What are you smiling about? … Still I knew I married you for a reason. (They start kissing passionately.)

Ross: OH!!! That’s even more gross!

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

[Scene: Coffee House. Everyone is sitting down.]

 

Phoebe: All we’re telling you is it happened four years ago.

Rachel: How can you not tell us?

Joey: Well Monica and Chandler didn’t tell us.

Chandler: But we were in a relationship.

Ross: Do you love each other?

Joey: No, I mean that was just one night.

Monica: But still! It’s you and Phoebe.

Phoebe: Okay can we stop talking about this?

Rachel: How can we? It’s a big deal.

Phoebe: Really? Then I think it’s a big deal that you were about to have sex with Ross a week ago.

 

(Ross and Rachel’s eyes are widely opened.)

 

Ross: (To Rachel.) You told her?

Phoebe: You were about to have sex? I just made that up to joke around.

 

(Now Ross and Rachel look really worried.)

 

Ross: We gotta go. (Pulls Rachel from the arm and storms out.)

Chandler: Why is everyone going without finishing their story?

 

(Rachel comes back quickly.)

 

Rachel: (To all.) We were about to for my water to break. But we didn’t. We did have a hell of a kiss. But (To Phoebe and Joey.) YOU HAD SEX!

 

(Ross comes back and pulls Rachel out of the Coffee House.)

 

Phoebe: I bet they are doing it.

All: PHOEBE!

Phoebe: (Looks hurt.) But Joey has AIDS!

Joey: How many times do I have to tell you all, it was a false positive! The doctor said I didn’t have AIDS!

Chandler: (To others.) He also had sex with the doctor that evening.

Joey: Chandler! … (Smiling.) I did though!