TOW MONICA FINDS OUT
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Phoebe: Itís not a big deal.
Monica: Not a big deal? It was a big deal when I slept with Chandler in London.
Joey: But that was different.
Ross: How is that different?
Joey: This involves me and Phoebe.
Rachel: I just canít believe it I mean all this time you think you know a person but they just go and have sex with Joey.
Phoebe: Come on people it was just this one time and no strings attached.
Chandler: Because that would make it a big deal?
Ross: (To Phoebe and Joey.) How did it happen? When did it happen? Where? Why?
Phoebe: There is no specific answer.
Chandler: Itís true what they say, Ďthere is no right answer to every question.í
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch, Monica is holding Emma.]
Rachel: I still canít believe it I mean Phoebe and Joey.
Monica: I know! (Yes the Monica ďI KNOW!Ē)
Rachel: Well it was only for one time.
Monica: (To Emma.) Oh look at my little niece! Arenít you so pretty?
(Gunther comes over.)
Gunther: (To Monica) Not as appealing as Rachel!
Monica: Oh yeah definitely (makes a weird face and Gunther leaves.) I wish she had a cousin though.
Rachel: Mon youíll have a baby! I mean not all the time those little swimmers get in.
Monica: I know. This afternoon Iím going to take my last pregnancy test. I know itís been a week and by now for certain Iím not pregnant but still want to make sure.
Rachel: Why donít you take Ross? He seems to knock off every girl he does it with.
[Scene: Joeyís place. Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are there.]
Joey: Come on Pheebs, I donít have AIDS!
Phoebe: How can I make sure that?
Joey: Why does it bother you so much? ITíS MY LIFE!
Phoebe: Well if you had it that means I have it!
Joey: How is that possible?
Phoebe: Didnít you ever watch the discovery channel?
Chandler: You watch that?
Phoebe: No, Ross forced me. Whatever, still oh gosh I have AIDS!
Chandler: Look Phoebe calm down. You said you both did it like four years ago right?
Joey: Yeah! That was ONE WILD NIGHT.
Phoebe: (Mad.) What is it with you and Bon Jovi?
Chandler: My point is that if Joey did have AIDS four years ago then he would have been dead by now or there would have been some visible symptoms. Will you still feel better if Joey went to the doctor to do the test again?
Phoebe: Yes oh please yes.
Chandler: Okay, Joey and I will go.
(Joey starts biting his nails.)
Chandler: Whatís wrong Joe?
Joey: Iím all nervous now.
[Scene: Ross and Rachelís place, Emma is sleeping and Rachel is reading a magazine.]
(Ross enters with Ben.)
Ross: Hey Rach.
Rachel: Hey, hi Ben!
Ben: Hi aunt Phoebe.
Rachel: (To Ross.) Why doesnít this child ever learn my name?
Ross: Rach, I have to ask you a big favor.
Rachel: Want me to carry more of your babies?
Ross: No, can you take care of Ben?
Rachel: Ross! I have enough trouble right now with Emma.
Ross: I know!
(Rachel gives him a what-are-you-trying-to-say look.)
Ross: I meant I know honey but Monica is not home and I really need to leave Ben with someone.
Rachel: Oh all right but you owe me!
Ross: Anyways it will be good experience for Ben and Emma to start their first brother and sister relationship.
Rachel: Oh my god! I totally forgot!
Rachel: I have to tell my sisters about their niece.
Ross: You still didnít tell them?
Rachel: Oh hell, they wouldnít care anyway.
Ross: Well Iíll leave you three alone now. See ya and thanks again Rach.
Rachel: Yeah whatever.
[Scene: Continuation from before. Ben and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Rachel: So Ben. Are you excited about having a sister?
Ben: No not really.
Rachel: (Under her breath.) This is gonna be harder than I thought. (To Ben.) When Emma wakes up you can play with her.
Ben: Who is Emma?
Rachel: Your sister!
Ben: I have a sister? But my mother is a lesbianism.
Rachel: No Emma is your half sister. Iím Emmaís mother and your dad is her dad.
Ben: But I thought you guys were on a break.
Rachel: Hey we were not on a break!
Ben: So where is Emily?
Rachel: Itís Emma! And she is sleeping in the other room.
Ben: No I mean EMILY! My dadís wife.
Rachel: Emily? They got divorced like five years ago.
Ben: But then whoís Emma?
Rachel: OH MY GOD! Ross Iím gonna kill you.
[Scene: Outside Central Perk. Monica is walking out the door and she bumps in to Ross.]
Monica: Hey bro, where you going.
Ross: Oh I have to do this thing
Monica: Donít you have Ben today?
Ross: Yeah but I had to leave him with Rachel.
Ross: Yeah! Look she has to get use to being around children and what if we have another baby then- (realizes what he said so he stopped talking.)
Monica: Oh my god, look at you talking about having more children with her.
Ross: I didnít mean that what I meant was when SHE has another baby.
Monica: (dryly.) Oh right, sure!
Ross: Anyways I gotta go.
Monica: I better go up and help out Rachel.
Ross: I would be grateful for that. Thanks Mon.
Monica: Bye you freak in love.
Ross: What did you say?
Monica: I said bye my lovely bro.
[Scene: Hospital, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler are sitting down in the waiting room.)
Chandler: You know Pheebs you didnít have to come with us.
Phoebe: I know but I want to know the results too Ďcause if Iím gonna die then I better start doing stuff that Iíve never done. (Winks at Chandler. Chandler is shocked.)
Chandler: Phoebe youíre not gonna die and I hope you donít.
Nurse: Mr. Tribianni, the doctor is ready to see you.
(They all get up except Joey who still looks nervous.)
Chandler: Uhmmm, Joey, come on.
Joey: (in a kid impression.) I donít wanna go. I donít wanna die.
Phoebe: You might as well die now. Weíre all gonna die some day.
Chandler: Okay Phoebe. (To Joey.) Look you are not gonna. We are just going in there to make sure you are healthy.
Phoebe: And even if you donít have AIDS, Iíll kill you.
Joey: Chandler, sheís scaring me.
Chandler: Phoebe, be a nice girl. Now Joey will you go follow the nice nurse?
(Joey looks up to the nurse.)
Joey: (While getting up.) Oh yeah baby. How you doiní?
(Joey leaves with the nurse.)
Chandler: Just a minute ago he was gonna die and now look at him, new as a new born baby.
[Scene: Ross and Rachelís apartment. Emma is crying, Ben is running around yelling and Rachel is staring in to empty space looking angry.]
Monica: (Looks around at the mess.) Oh my lord.
(Rachel gets up, runs over to Monica and throws herself on her knees hugging Monica.)
Rachel: Monica Iím so glad youíre here. Youíre here!
Monica: What happened?
Rachel: (Gets up, quietly) You gotta help me. These are little monsters. Theyíre not sweetÖtheyíre evil.
Monica: What are you talking about, theyíre tiny and-(Ben squirts Monica with water.) OKAY! IíM GONNA KICK SOME ASS!
(Monica chases Ben around the couch. Rachel sits down smiling on the couch and grabs a magazine to read.)
[Scene: A restaurant. Ross enters.]
(Dr. Green is sitting in a table.)
Ross: (To Dr. Green.) Hello Dr. Green. (Shakes Dr. Greenís hand.)
Dr. Green: Youíre late wet head.
Ross: Iím so sorry. I was trying to find someone to look after my son.
Dr. Green: What are you doing with your son, youíre suppose to be with my grandchild.
Ross: Well as much important Emma is for me, Ben is also a part of my life. (Pause.) So Dr. Green why did you want to have lunch with me?
Dr. Green: Does Rachel know?
Ross: No, I didnít tell her.
Dr. Green: Well here is the deal. (Starts yelling.) I DONíT WANT MY GRANDCHILD TO HAVE A STEPFATHER! (Suddenly smiles.) I want her to have a real father.
Ross: Oh donít worry-
Dr. Green: IíM NOT FINISHED YET! (Pause. Drinks his wine. Grabs a ring case from his pocket and shows the ring to Ross.)
Ross: You really think the right answer is us getting married?
Dr. Green: No you stupid librarian.
Ross: Iím a professor.
Dr. Green: Whatís the big difference? A library a University, the same thing.
Ross: (Slowly.) O-k-a-y. (Grabs his glass to drink but Dr. Green stops him and puts the ring on the table.)
Dr. Green: No drinking while Iím talking to you. (Pause.) The ring is for you to propose to Rachel.
Ross: Oh Dr. Green-
Dr. Green: Still talking! What is the matter with you librarians?
Ross: (Yelling.) IíM A PROFESSOR! (Dr. Green gives him an evil look. Ross looks scared.) But professor, librarian, same thing.
Dr. Green: So where was I before I was rudely interruptedÖ oh yes. Look Ross, Iím not an admirer of you but I want you to marry my precious baby doll.
Ross: Dr. Green I appreciate it but Rachel and I had this talk and-
Dr. Green: I donít want to hear it! Just think about it.
Ross: Okay I will but-
Dr. Green: No you wonít you will marry! Look I donít want my pumpkin to be alone in this world with just her baby. By the way is it a girl a boy? I always forget.
Ross: (Weird look on his face.) A girl. Dr. Green, my mother gave me a ring incase I wanted to propose. Rachel doesnít know this but I love her and not just as a friend. But weíve been on and off and if weíre on again I know weíre gonna be off again.
Dr. Green: Well this time make sure that youíre not on a break.
(Ross looks mad.)
Dr. Green: Okay go on.
Ross: So I just got to be sure this time that Rachel is where I am. So before we start again I want to be absolutely sure that itís not going to end.
Dr. Green: I know I will regret saying this in half an hour but just do it. Just for this time donít think about how itís going to end, just think about how itís going be.
(Ross starts to think and stares at the wall.)
Dr. Green: Anyways Iíll book you two the plaza for you wedding, that should be pretty exhilarating.
Ross: (Sarcastically.) Oh great. Well anyways I gave Rachel time to think about where she is.
Dr. Green: Well if she isnít where you are then make her come where you are.
Ross: Mr. Green how you been drinking? You seem very nice to me today.
Dr. Green: Now Iím serious. This is serious issue. Just go and do it okay? And donít talk to me like that!
Ross: Okay I will think about it. (Tries to take the ring but Dr. Green takes it back.)
Dr. Green: What are you doing?
Ross: You said-
Dr. Green: No, this was just to show you an example. Geez. (Puts the ring back in his pocket.)
[Scene: Hospital, Chandler and Phoebe are in the waiting room.]
(The doctor comes.)
Phoebe: How is he?
Chandler: Is he going to be okay?
Doctor: No panic, he is just resting now. First it didnít look good.
Phoebe: (Dramatically.) OH NO! (Starts crying on Chandlerís shoulder.)
Doctor: But you have nothing to worry about. (Smiles.) Congratulations! You have a healthy friend!
Chandler: Oh my god! I migh start crying of happiness.
Phoebe: Really? (Joyfully.) Can we se him?
Doctor: Not now. But he will be ready to go home in a few hours.
Phoebe: Thank you doctor, thank you so much! Well Chandler you wait here I just have to go to the bathroom. (To the doctor.) Sir, whereís are the restrooms?
Doctor: The third door on your left after the elevators.
Phoebe: Okay. Thanks again Doc. (Smiles at him.)
(Infront of the elevators, Cliff is AGAIN trying to go in to the elevators.)
(Phoebe passes by.)
Phoebe: (Turns her head to look at him.) Oh not you again.
Cliff: Look Phoebe please listen, I know youíre mad at me for what happened a week ago.
Phoebe: itís okay, bye! (As Phoebe is leaving-)
Cliff: Wait Phoebe! (He goes over to her with his wheelchair.) Look, I gave you another chance, I agreed to start over so itís only fair if you give me a chance.
(Pause for five seconds.)
Phoebe: Alright. (Smiles at him.)
(They try to kiss but he canít get up.)
Phoebe: Why donít I just lean over?
Cliff: Good idea!
Cliff: So this means I will get to see your friend Joey right?
(Phoebe looks worried.)
Cliff: Just kiddiní.
Phoebe: Thank God!
[Scene: Ross and Rachelís apartment, Monica is sitting on a chair with her arms wide open and Rachel is lying down on a couch because they both are really tired.]
Rachel: I had the worst day in my life, even my sisters werenít like this.
Monica: After living today, Iím having second thoughts on that whole pregnancy thing.
Rachel: Still we had a little fun I mean we lost some calories.
Monica: Thatís what youíre worrying about?
Rachel: Well you eat for nine months and that would be what youíre thinking about right now.
Monica: Rachel, thatís all I did until I was 16.
(Ross enters and sees the mess.)
Ross: Am I at my uncleís house? (Pause.) What the hell happened here?
Monica: We know we went a little crazy but the children are asleep, yey!
Ross: A little crazy? You were suppose to take care of them not kill them.
Rachel: Ross, uhhhhm you donít have more children right?
Ross: No, why?
Rachel: No reason, (to Monica) great we donít need to baby-sit for any other children.
Monica: Rachel! Emma is your daughter.
Rachel: Well huh, wellÖ she is a very naughty daughter.
(Ross goes over to the table and picks up a broken fossil.)
Ross: (angry) HEY! WHO BROKE THIS?
Monica: (to Rachel) See ya Rach. (Leaves the apartment quickly.)
Rachel: Ah! (Pause.) Well that Ross was-
Ross: (Smiling.) Itís okay itís made in Thailand I just said that so Monica would leave.
Rachel: Oh, whew!
[Scene: Chandler and Monicaís place. Monica is sweeping the floor.]
(Joey, Phoebe and Chandler enter happily with balloons in their hands that says ďcongratulations.Ē)
Monica: Oh so how was it at the doctors?
Chandler: Joey doesnít have AIDS!
Monica: Oh Iím so happy for you.
Joey: I know!
Monica: Oh Phoebe for you to! (To Chandler) Why am I congratulating her?
Chandler: (Whispering.) I donít know whether itís for her making up with Cliff or because she is excited that Joey doesnít have AIDS.
Monica: Oh! (To Phoebe) You made up with Cliff?
Monica: Thatís so great! (To all.) Whatís up with all the balloons? You know that Rachel had her baby like 14 days ago!
Joey: Didnít you listen to us? The balloons are for me!
Monica: (To herself.) Why am I friends with these people?
[Scene: Ross and Rachelís place, continuation from before.]
Ross: So I see you had a great day!
Rachel: Well at least I taught Ben that Emma is not a toy.
Ross: Ben is eight years old! He knows it already.
Rachel: Ben is eight? I thought he was five. Oh well, so where were you?
Ross: Nowhere, just had to do this thing.
Rachel: Ross why wonít you just tell me?
Ross: Just the usual had this thing at the university.
Rachel: Oh okay.
Ross: Well Iím gonna drop off Ben in a few minutes.
(Rachel starts to clean up the place and Ross sits down putting his feet up on the coffee table.)
Rachel: Oh itís okay, I donít need your help. (Ironicly.)
Ross: Sorry. (Gets up and starts cleaning up too.) So Rach , uhmmm lately have you been thinking about our situation?
Rachel: Oh Ross, Iím sorry I had like no time I was to busy taking care of Emma.
Ross: (Disappointed.) Okay.
Rachel: But I have thought about it like that day of the birth and I figured that Iím not where you are.
Ross: But Rachel you have to be where I am or this wonít work.
Rachel: I know Ross but I just canít. I tried but I canít.
[Scene: Chandler and Monicaís, every one is there including Emma who is on her baby seat.]
(Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are talking in the kitchen.)
(Ross, Chandler and Joey are talking in the living room.)
Chandler: Iím telling you she loves you!
Ross: She just told me like an hour ago she wasnít where I was.
Rachel: You guys, he said he is not where I am! He doesnít love me.
Monica: But maybe he loves you and he just didnít know where you were.
Rachel: Monica, Iím telling you, he made it clear that he doesnít love me.
Ross: Look, Iím telling you, she made it clear that she doesnít want to get married with me.
Phoebe: He loves you and he told me.
Phoebe: Well indirectly.
Monica: Will you excuse me a minute? I have to go take the pregnancy test.
Rachel: Sure but make it quick Ďcause I really have to pee!
Phoebe and Rachel: Good luck Mon.
Monica: (While going towards the bathroom.) Thanks, I need it if itís with him. (Points at Chandler who hears.)
(Monica goes into the bathroom.)
(Rachel and Phoebe enter the living room and Ross is playing with Emma.)
Chandler: Whatís going on?
Rachel: Well Monica is taking her last pregnancy test!
Phoebe: You didnít know? How self Ėinvolved are you?
Joey: So this is the last one she is taking?
Ross: Isnít it late a bit? I mean if she was pregnant by now she would of known.
Phoebe: Yeah we know but you know she is doing it just to be 100 per cent sure.
Joey: So we shouldnít get our hopes up? No baby? (Starts crying.)
(Everyone looks at eachother surprised that Joey is crying.)
Ross: (To Chandler.) Whatís up with him?
Chandler: Well every since he learned that he doesnít have the disease heís been acting emotional.
(Monica goes out of the bathroom with tears in her eyes; she goes to the kitchen and sits down.)
(They all go over to her.)
Chandler: Oh honey, itís okay.
Monica: I just thought that you know maybe there was a chance that I was pregnant.
Joey: No luck huh?
Monica: No! All I got was this stupid color- (Starts crying.)
Rachel: Weíre so sorry Mon.
Chandler: Look honey, weíll try as much as we can to have a baby okay?
Monica: Thatís not the point. I mean what if something is wrong with me? (To Chandler.) or with you!
Ross: Look Mon, nothing is wrong with you guys, it just takes a lot of tries to have a baby.
Phoebe: Look whoís talking. (Everyone looks at her.) Well itís true (to Ross) both times you had a baby was accidentally.
Rachel: Mon, Iím so sorry, Iím here for you, I love you and I know itís inappropriate to say this now but, can I go to the bathroom now?
Monica: Oh sure but I didnít throw away my pregnancy test. Itís still there beside the sink so be careful.
Rachel: Thanks for warning me.
(Rachel goes in to the bathroom.)
Chandler: Let me get you some tissues honey.
Monica: Oh donít let Joey get it. (Pause, sees Ross in the room.) (To Ross.) The tissue thing is this joke I had with Joey.
All except Ross: Yes!
Ross: (Confused.) Okay.
Monica: But there are no tissues left.
Joey: I have some in my place. Let me get it for you.
Monica: (Still with tears in her eyes.) NO! Itís okay Iíll go get it.
Chandler: Iíll go with you.
(Chandler and Monica exit.)
(Joey, Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the kitchen.)
(In the bathroom.)
(Rachel sees the pregnancy test on the sink and she looks like she is disgusted.)
Rachel: (sees the pregnancy test from a close look.) OH MY GOD!
(Runs out of the bathroom holding the pregnancy test.)
Rachel: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Ross: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Rachel: She IS pregnant!
All three of them: WHAT?
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: Whatís going on?
All: MONICA IS PREGNANT!
Rachel: Youíre pregnant!
Monica: But itís pink!
Rachel: Blue is a negative result! Pink means youíre pregnant!
Monica: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Rachel: (Sees the pregnancy test in her.) EEEW! Why am I still holding this? (Drops it to the floor.)
Chandler: I canít believe this. (Kisses Monica.)
(They all hug.)
Rachel: Okay, now I REALLY HAVE TO PEE!
[Scene: Chandler and Monicaís apartment, they are all sitting down in the living room. Monica is holding Emma.]
Monica: I canít believe it! In nine months Iím gonna HAVE A BABY! Iím living my dream!
Chandler: Honey OUR dream.
Joey: So in nine months youíre gonna have a full grown baby?
Ross: Joe, how did you ever get to go on to high school?
(Joey stares at Ross.)
Rachel: (To Emma.) Look Emma, youíre gonna have a cousin.
Monica: Girl cousin!
Phoebe: How do you know itís a girl?
Chandler: She doesnít, she wishes it was a girl.
Monica: (To Chandler.) Look lets call off the name Stephanie or Tracie or Stacie.
Chandler: Maybe we should just stop talking about names.
Monica: No, no, no, I decided it should beÖ Cracie, itís a gorgeous name.
Chandler: Sounds like youÖCRAZY!