TOW THE BAYWATCH VIDEOS

 

[Scene: Joeyís apartment. Ross and Chandler are playing playstation.]

 

(Joey enters with a bag in his hand.)

 

Joey: Chandler, cancel your plans for today!

Chandler: Oh sorry Joe I donít think Iím comfortable going on a date with you.

Ross: (Turns around.) What you got there?

Joey: A bag full of all the Baywatch episodes. Man, this is going to be the best. Imagine a whole day with only Baywatch.

Ross: Quiet waste of time!

Chandler and Joey: WHAT?

Joey: What did you say? WASTE OF TIME? We live for Baywatch.

Chandler: (To Ross) There are chicks and they are running!

Ross: Still I just donít see whatís the big deal.

Joey: Didnít you hear that there are chicks running?

Ross: Look you two; Iím just not a Baywatch person.

Chandler: (To Joey) Before I forget I canít watch it with you today Ďcause I need to go to the gynecologist with Monica you know for the baby and (To Ross) HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE BAYWATCH?

 

(Joey puts the Baywatch video in to the VCR.)

 

Ross: Just because I donít like it doesnít mean- (sees the female lifeguards running.) oh sweet Jesus. (To Chandler and Joey.) Theyíre running! Girls in bathing suits and theyíre running!

 

(Starts to watch Baywatch obviously drooling. Chandler and Joey are smiling.)

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Emma, Monica and Phoebe are there.]

 

Monica: Rachel, thatís like your fifth coffee.

Rachel: I know, somebody was too lazy to get up all night long and look after Emma.

Phoebe: Who? (Monica and Rachel give her a look.) I get it. (Whispering to Monica.) Seriously who?

Rachel: You know whatís even worst. My mother is coming today to check out on the baby and me.

Phoebe: Why is that bad?

Rachel: A whole day with my mother? (Imitating her mother.) Rachel, honey, did you talk to Ross about where the baby should go to college? Sweetheart, why arenít you with Ross? Whatís new in sex?

Phoebe: Sounds like a cool mom.

Monica: I would be honored to have a mother like Mrs. Green.

Phoebe: Are you still on that? Come on the baby shower was like a month ago!

Monica: Still!

Rachel: Oh my god, she is going to force me in to asking Ross to marry me!

Monica: Donít be silly!

Rachel: And then, she is going to ask me all these sex questions.

Phoebe: Wow! Your mother is so cool!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: You see I donít have a real mother so I never had someone around me to listen to me or ask questions.

Monica: Will you once not talk about your unbirth momís death?

Phoebe: I just thought that it was a really good story.

Monica: Look Rachel, itís gonna be okay. If she does ask you a question like that then just change the subject.

Rachel: Thatís a good idea, I should do that.

 

(Chandler enters.)

 

Chandler: Honey, we have to go to you OB-GYN now.

Phoebe: Why? Iím not pregnant! (They all give her a look. To Chandler.) Oh I thought you were talking to me.

Monica: Itís 1:30pm.

Chandler: Yes, our appointment is at 1:35pm.

Monica: Weíre gonna be late!

Chandler: You think?

Monica: Letís go, come on move it move it. (Leaves running.)

Chandler: (To Rachel and Phoebe.) If she is gonna be like that when she is pregnant then we have no problem. (Leaves.)

Rachel: Gosh, itís so great that theyíre gonna have a baby too.

Phoebe: Yeah what a copycat. First me then you and now her?

Rachel: She isnít copying us. She just wants a family.

Phoebe: Thatís not what she told me.

Rachel: Oh shoot, I gotta go, my mother is gonna come to my apartment any minute.

Phoebe: Okay bye bye then. You all leave me alone, fine you guys are the best friends ever.

 

(Rachel opens the door to leave. She is ignoring Phoebe because Phoebe is yelling.)

 

Phoebe: I GUESS I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE THAN GOING TO THE HOSPITAL TO SEE MY NEW BOYFRIEND!!! (To herself calmly.) Oh I still have it, people are scared the hell from me.

 

[Scene: Joeyís apartment, Ross is still watching Baywatch and Joey is sitting next to him.]

 

Ross: So this is Baywatch!

Joey: Yeah! (Stands up to take out the video from the VCR.)

Ross: What, what, what are you doing?

Joey: Taking out the video.

Ross: Why?

Joey: ĎCause I borrowed them from a friend so I can watch it with Chandler.

Ross: What about me? Watch it with me!

Joey: You said it was a waste of time!

Ross: Yes but it isnít apparently.

Joey: Ross you are my friend but I want to watch it with Chandler.

Ross: Well he couldnít care to be here.

Joey: True, he could have canceled his appointment with the doctorÖ Okay Ross pause it.

Ross: Why?

Joey: Iím going to get the beers and lock the doors.

Ross: Why?

Joey: Stop asking just listen. Baywatch is like our heaven. Nothing can disturb Baywatch so we have to make sure no one interrupts us.

Ross: Okay.

 

(Joey quickly gets the beers and locks the door and Ross pushes play after Joey came and sat down.)

 

Joey: Oh mama!

Ross: Oh yeah! Ö So thatís Yasmine Bleeth.

Joey: Aha!

Ross: I heard you and Chandler talk about them running but I never thought it would be this great!

Joey: Now shut up so we can watch this. (Pause.) Donít you have to be at the university now?

Ross: Yeah I was supposed to be teaching them about the Jurassic Period. Oh hell itís in the textbook they can learn it themselves.

 

[Scene: Ross and Rachelís apartment, Rachel is sitting on the couch next to her mother who is holding Emma.]

 

Mrs. Green: Oh isnít she the precious thing you ever seen? I can eat her up with a spoon.

Rachel: Yeah but DONíT.

Mrs. Green: Honey, Iím not going to. Oh I hear that your father and Ross had a talk together.

Rachel: What?

Mrs. Green: Yes a few days ago, they had lunch together.

Rachel: Ross didnít tell me! Do you know what they had a talk about?

Mrs. Green: No sweetie, I donít talk to your father, why donít you ask Ross.

Rachel: I canít believe it. My dad probably forced him in to not marrying me, he probably freaked Ross out.

Mrs. Green: Oh this is marvelous, you still have feelings for Ross.

Rachel: Who said I did?

Mrs. Green: It is so nice finally seeing you two together. He does have some control issues but still. Before you start denying I heard your father say that he was going to have the wedding in the Plaza.

Rachel: Mom, have you been talking to dad?

Mrs. Green: Why do you ask?

Rachel: Well suddenly you are hearing so many things from him.

Mrs. Green: Canít couples that left eachother still talk?

Rachel: Mom?

Mrs. Green: Okay, we are planning your wedding together.

Rachel: MOM! But Iím not getting married!

Mrs. Green: Thatís not what your father said and thatís not what Ross told your father!

Rachel: What? Whatís going on?

Mrs. Green: Just calm down.

Rachel: (Stands up.) How can I calm down? Youíre planning my wedding without even telling me that I have a wedding!

Mrs. Green: Well we thought that you already understood.

Rachel: Well I donít feel like talking about this now.

 

(Goes to her bedroom then comes back and takes Emma from Mrs. Greenís arms and goes again to the bedroom.)

 

[Scene: Hospital room. Cliff is on the bed as Phoebe enters.]

 

Phoebe: Hey Cliff!

Cliff: Hey Phoebe.

Phoebe: So how are you today?

Cliff: Bad.

Phoebe: Oh why?

Cliff: A night without you made me devastated.

Phoebe: Did you just say that so I would kiss you?

Cliff: Kinda. I was actually going to say, you have the most wonderful eyes, and with your eyes I can be blinded by love.

Phoebe: Okay that earns two kisses.

 

(While they kiss a brunette, attractive lady enters.)

 

Woman: What is this? Is this a new service that you are providing yourself?

Cliff: Julia, what are you doing here?

Julia: Canít I see my boyfriend?

Phoebe: What?

Julia: Yes thatís right, we are going out.

Cliff: No we are not. (To Phoebe.) Iím so sorry, we were dating before and I dumped her but she still comes to me.

Julia: How can you say that?

Cliff: The best thing for you to do is leave now!
Julia: Iím not leaving!

Phoebe: Hey Julia was it? Well uhhhhm let me just tell you what he saidÖ (Yelling.) HE SAID GET OUT! So before I show you what Pheebs is made of you should leave!

Julia: Okay, okay, Iíll be coming back though.

 

(Julia leaves.)

 

Phoebe: So where were we?

Cliff: Youíre not mad?

 

(Phoebe kisses him passionately.)

 

Phoebe: I wasnít Ďcause I really wanted to finish that kiss so. (Pause.) What the hell was that about?

Cliff: Look, Iím so sorry but she is crazy, literally crazy and every since I broke up from her she still thinks that we are dating.

Phoebe: Well as long she is an ex then we have no problem! So when are you getting out of the hospital? Because I was hoping that any time soon I would be forkiní ya.

Cliff: Oh little suspicious. Well you know Iím going to get out of the hospital right now. I donít wanna miss that!

Phoebe: Seriously when?

Cliff: In a week.

Phoebe: In a week? Thatís too long. Oh hell, it gives me time to prepare myself.

Cliff: And me too but that door has a window so I canít Ďcause everyone that passes by would see me.

 

[Scene: The gynecologist. Monica and Chandler are waiting for the results.]

 

(The doctor enters.)

 

Dr. Thomson: Good news. You are infact pregnant.

Monica: I knew it! (To Chandler.) Iím a day late.

Chandler: (Ironically.) Wow!

Dr. Thomson: Now you donít have to worry. The first month is no different from before. You might feel pain in your stomach from time to time and you will have morning sickness. Now-

Monica: Wait, wait, wait whereís my note pad. I need to write these down.

Chandler: Oh my God, you canít remember that? Theyíre just some information, theyíre not cheat facts.

Dr. Thomson: Actually it is a good idea to write these down and especially you as the father. The mother sometimes will forget her memory and you as the father have to be there to guide her.

Chandler: Oh my God, Iím going to be a father.

Monica: Not now honey!!!

Chandler: (To the doctor.) She is having our baby so now Iím clearly in her way, she doesnít need me anymore.

Monica: Iím sorry Iím just really nervous.

Dr. Thompson: You donít need to worry. Do you have any relative around or friends that has had a baby before?

Monica: Yes I do.

Dr. Thompson: They will be a really good help to you. (To Chandler.) You should also see a male that had a baby so they can give you some advice.

Chandler: (Nervous.) Iím gonna be a father.

 

[Scene: Joeyís place, Ross and Joey are still watching Baywatch.]

 

(Phoebe enters.)

 

Phoebe: Hey.

 

(Without taking their eyes off from the T.V.)

 

Ross: (To Joey.) Dude, your door doesnít lock.

Joey: Really?

Ross: Phoebe just entered.

Joey: Oh well!

Phoebe: Fine if you donít care to say hi.

Ross and Joey: (Coldly.) Hi.

Phoebe: Fine I was gonna flash you two but now Iím not gonna.

 

(They suddenly turn around smiling.)

 

Joey and Ross: Hey/ How are you/ How was your day?

Phoebe: Monica is right, use the ďflash thingĒ youíll get what you want.

Ross: Have you seen Rach?

Phoebe: I think she is at your place Ďcause her mother came.

Ross: I better go and say hi.

Phoebe: Bye.

Ross: Bye.

 

(Ross leaves.)

 

Phoebe: So what you doing?

Joey: Watching Baywatch.

Phoebe: So not for me.

Joey: What you talking about? This is Baywatch, lifeguards in bathing suits.

Phoebe: I hope youíre talking about female lifeguards.

Joey: Of course female lifeguards.

Phoebe: Still not interested I mean come on- (sees male lifeguards running.) Oh my! Come to mama.

Joey: Told you.

Phoebe: Theyíre running!

Joey: Yup! Yup! Running! Always running!

Phoebe: Joey, move over!

 

(Phoebe seats next to him.)

 

Joey: So youíre watching it with me?

Phoebe: Oh yeah! Wow!

Joey: How come you never say that to me?

Phoebe: Well you wear shorts and run like that then Iíll even marry you!

 

[Scene: Ross and Rachelís apartment. Mrs. Green is sitting in the living room on the couch.]

 

(Rachel enters the living room with Emma.)

 

Rachel: Mom, did Ross really say that there was going to be a wedding?

Mrs. Green: Honey, youíve been in there for an hour, were you thinking of that the whole time?

Rachel: No! (Mrs. Green gives her a look.) Well yes. I heard that he was going to propose before but in the end he never did.

Mrs. Green: Do you want him to propose?

Rachel: I donít know. I love him but Iím not sure if Iím ready to go in to a sucha a big step.

Mrs. Green: (Laughs.) You just had a baby, thatís even bigger than a marriage. Look the only question is do you love him? And obviously you do.

Rachel: Youíre right, of course youíre right. But weíre still not sure if he is going to propose.

Mrs. Green: Listen, if he doesnít propose now he will someday Ďcause itís you and him.

Rachel: I love Ross and I just need him in my life right now.

A voice from behind her: You do?

 

(Rachel turns around, itís ROSS!)

 

Rachel: Oh my God, how did you get in?

Ross: Using the door.

Mrs. Green: I think Iím going to take Emma and leave you two alone.

 

(Mrs. Green leaves with Emma.)

Rachel: so how long have you been here?

Ross: Long enough to do this. (Kisses Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh wow! (Tries to hide her embarrassment.)  But you know what I said thereÖ I mean they arenít true-

Ross: What you said about your feelings might be not true but mine are! (Kisses her again.)

 

[Scene: Monica and Chandler are walking down the street.]

 

Chandler: Iím a father!

Monica: Honey, I know this is inappropriate right now and selfish but if I hear you say that one more time then you wonít be the dad.

Chandler: But Iím a dad!

Monica: Yes you are but this is about me having a baby, (Chandler gives her a look.) I meant us! Why do I do that? Oh by the way, I narrowed it down to two names, Gracie or Macie.

Chandler: Sounds like Macyís and I do not want my child to be named after a store. What is it with you and names that end in ďiĒ and ďeĒ?

Monica: Or what about Nestle?

Chandler: Chocolate? Really? You see our baby named after a chocolate?

Monica: Well what are your ideas on names?

Chandler: Logan.

Monica: (She looks around.) Who? Whereís Logan?

Chandler: No I meant Logan for our child.

Monica: Logan doesnít sound like a girls nameÖwhat about Loga?

Chandler: Youíre still stuck on having a baby girl right?

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: Just wanna make sure weíre on the same page.

 

(Now theyíre infront of Central Perk and they see Mrs. Green with Emma from the window.)

(They enter the coffee house.)

 

Monica: Hi Mrs. Green!

Chandler: Hello.

Mrs. Green: (Ignoring Monica.) Why hello Chandler!

Chandler: (To Monica.) Seems like she is still on that incident in the baby shower. Iíll just do the talking.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: So Mrs. Green, a day alone with your grandchild, pretty exciting huh?

Mrs. Green: Yes it is, I had to take care of her because I think Ross and Rachel are well what you kids say now ďshagginí it upĒ.

Chandler and Monica: What?

Monica: My God.

Mrs. Green: But I think Iím not supposed to be telling you but oh well.

Chandler: Oh letís go surprise them! (Monica and Mrs. Green give him a look.) Clearly not a good idea!

 

[Scene: Ross and Rachelís apartment. They just finished kissing.]

 

Rachel: Wow, I did not see this coming.

Ross: Totally.

Rachel: So what does this mean? I mean is this just a normal kiss or a kiss that meant something?

Ross: Well Rach, if you donít know the answer then I canít help you. (Ross gets up.)

Rachel: Iím just kidding (pulls Ross back to the couch.)

Ross: So I guess now weíre ďRoss and RachelĒ the secret couple.

Rachel: Secret?

Ross: Well Iím not ready to tell anyone, are you?

Rachel: Well I guess you werenít ready to tell me that you had lunch with my dad.

Ross: Hey who told you?

Rachel: Doesnít matter just nice to see you making a commitment.

Ross: So weíre not telling anyone yet right?

Rachel: Sneaking around will be fun so why not! (Pause.) Oh gosh!

Ross: What?

Rachel: We left Emma to long with my mom.

Ross: Oh yeah, poor woman we should go help her out.

Rachel: No, I meant poor Emma! Probably dehydrated by my motherís stories.

Ross: Sheís only a month old.

Rachel: Still if she can hear Janiceís laugh in my stomach then obviously she can hear my momís stories.

 

[Scene: Joeyís apartment, Joey and Phoebe are still watching Baywatch.]

 

Phoebe: So this is Baywatch, very interesting.

Joey: I know.

Phoebe: You should try to get an audition for this.

Joey: I tried but they said I was too fat to be a lifeguard here.

Phoebe: They said that?

Joey: Yeah but I donít mind I prefer eating. Ohh that reminds me, Iím hungry.

 

(Monica and Chandler enter.)

 

Chandler: Oh Baywatch!

 

(Pause.)

 

Monica: Fine donít ask how it was at the gynecologists.

Phoebe: Mon, how was it at the gynecologists? (Still watching Baywatch.)

Monica: Well Iím officially pregnant! Yey!

Chandler: I was psyched too!

Phoebe and Joey: Thatís great!

Joey: But you know we celebrated it before so can we now continue watching Baywatch?

Monica: Fine if a stupid show like that is more important than me-

All except Monica: Whoa!

Chandler: What did you just say?

Joey: Stupid?

Phoebe: Take it back.

Monica: (Surprised.) Since when do you watch Baywatch?

Phoebe: Since I realized that Iím a very cool person.

 

(Chandler sits next to Phoebe and Joey, Monica goes infront of the T.V.)

 

Monica: So bunch of people saving other people is entertaining?  I mean- (sees them running.) Oh my! (Sees the male lifeguards running.) Oh my, my, my, my, thatís some kind of package that guy has.

 

(They all laugh.)

Monica: What?

Chandler: You mean Michael Bergin? (He starts laughing again.)

Monica: Whatís wrong with him.

Joey: Nothing heís just way out of your league.

Monica: Well if I knew him I could have him!

Phoebe: Oh yeah right.

Monica: So who do you like Pheebs?

Phoebe: Definitely Charlie Brumbly.

Monica: Donít you think that he is out of your league? I mean if you can get Charlie then I can get Michael.

 

(They all start laughing again.)

 

Chandler: (Laughing.) Okay, give that a try! (Monica gives him an evil look.) Okay donít!

 

[Scene: Joeyís apartment, continuation from before, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are all staring at Baywatch.]

 

Monica: We almost forgot to tell you!

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Guess what Chandler and I found out. You know Rach and-

Chandler: Honey! Can I see you for a minute?

Monica: Wait let me finish, so-

Chandler: Now!

Monica: Whoa mister! Donít take that tone with me.

Chandler: Okay I wonít but come for a sec.

 

(Both go in to the bathroom.)

 

Monica: What happened?

Chandler: What are you doing?

Monica: I was gonna tell them about Rach and Ross.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: ĎCause itís good gossip.

Chandler: Look I think we should give them some privacy, I mean Rachel and Ross.

Monica: Since when do you care so much?

Chandler: Well when they found out about us they kept the secret I mean Rach did.

Monica: But they also tried to have fun with us.

 

(Chandler starts smiling.)

 

Monica: Why you smiling? Got lucky? (Still smiles trying to show Monica something.) Oh we can have fun of our own with them.

Chandler: Exactly!

Monica: Oh gosh you are so smart! (She kisses him.)

(They go in to the living room.)

 

Phoebe: So Mon, what were you gonna tell us before.

Monica: Uhhhmm, Iím gonna have a baby.

Joey: We already know that, you were gonna say something about Rachel.

Monica: Uhhhmm, Rachel went shopping for a whole day three days ago! You know since she isnít pregnant anymore.

Phoebe: (Pause.) I donít know what to do with that!

Chandler: Well Monica is just sad that she canít borrow her clothes anymore Ďcause in eight months and two weeks she is gonna have our own baby, so soon she wonít fit in her clothes!

Monica: (Starts crying.) I totally forgot about that! IíM GONNA BE FAT AGAIN!

Phoebe: (To Chandler.) All you had to do was to shut up!

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

[Scene: Chandler and Monicaís apartment, everyone is there including Emma and Mrs. Green.]

 

Ross: Coffee house anyone?

Chandler: Iíll go.

Joey: Me too!

Ross: What happened to your whole-day-Baywatch-watching plan?

Joey: I needed a rest.

Chandler: So letís go to the coffee house.

 

(Chandler and Joey get up to leave. Ross bends over to Rachel to whisper in her ear.)

 

Ross: Remember a secret!

Rachel: Yeah, see you tonight.

 

(Monica and Chandler look at eachother smiling Ďcause they know whatís going on with Rachel and Ross.)

 

Ross: So see ya all.

 

(The guys leave.)

 

Mrs. Green: This is so nice, just the girls.

Rachel: Oh Mon, do you have any foundation? I think mine is going away from all the sweat.

Monica: No but Joey does.

Phoebe: Whatís Joey doing with a foundation?

Monica: It was a gift from Chandlerís father, he said Joey needed it.

 

(Rachel gets up.)

 

Mrs. Green: Oh honey, donít get up, you must be still tired from the birth Iíll go get it for you. Where is it?

Monica: I think itís in the bathroom, the drawer under the sink where he keeps his make-up.

Rachel: Joey uses make-up?

Phoebe: Also gifts from Mr. Bing?

Monica: No they were from Chandler.

(Mrs. Green leaves.)

(The camera shoots to the street.)

 

Joey: (To Ross and Chandler.) Oh shoot, I left the VCR on, Iíll be back.

Ross: (To Chandler.) Since when does he care about electricity?

Chandler: Beats me.

 

(Joeyís apartment, Mrs. Green enters.)

 

Mrs. Green: (Sees Baywatch on the TV.) Wow! My, that is some touchy. (Sits on the couch and watches Baywatch.)

 

(Joey enters while-)

 

Mrs. Green: (Yelling.) RUN JASON, RUN LIKE THE WIND!

 

(Joey gets scared and immediately leaves.)