THE ONE WITH CHANDLER'S SECRET ADMIRER - PART I
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Ross, Caitlin and Monica are present)
Monica: Have you guys heard from Jennifer or Brad?
Rachel: Jennifer called at 2 am the other night.
Monica: You were up?
Rachel (laughing): Well Ross was.
Ross: We were playing hide the salami.
Monica: Oh. Were you able to help?
Rachel: Yeah. Jennifer had forgot to give Courteney her midnight feeding.
(Joey comes running in)
Joey: Hey! Check this out!
Monica: I thought you were babysitting Michael with Chandler?
Joey: Yeah right that's the most boring way to spend your day.
Rachel: What exactly are you gonna do when Jenna has the baby?
Joey: I'm gonna be the father.
Ross: Which involves taking the baby off of Jenna's hands once in a while so she can have a life.
Joey: Ok, I don't need advice from someone who's never had a life to begin with.
Ross (mad): What'd you want to show us Joe?
Joey: Check it out! You're in the National Enquirer!
Rachel: Give me that! (reading the headline) "Jennifer Aniston's Baby Fathered By Secret Lover! Brad Threatens Divorce!" (flipping to the article inside) A Thanksgiving Day nightmare for Brad Pitt. Jennifer Aniston had her baby delivered by Ross Geller, her secret lover, in front of husband Brad. (to Ross) You've got a lot of explaining to do mister.
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Ross (looking over the article): I can't believe this. That's the picture of me and Jen when we were in that Santa Monica coffee shop when I went to consult on Jurassic Park III.
Rachel: The media will do anything to sell papers.
Ross (to Joey): Can I have this?
Joey: You make money, go buy your own stinking copy you cheap bastard.
(Chandler, Jenna, Phoebe and Michael enter)
Chandler: Hello children.
Monica: What are you doing here?
Chandler: I came for coffee. Why are you here?
Monica: Well I was supposed to meet my secret lover, but I guess that's not gonna happen now.
Chandler: Well if you do find someone else, at least let me tell him what he's getting himself into.
Jenna: Joey, why did you bail on Chandler?
Joey: I didn't bail on Chandler!
Jenna: Then what are you doing here?
Joey: I was part of the advance team. I had to scout the route to ensure that it was safe for Michael.
Phoebe: I'm impressed, you're getting better at the lies Joey.
Joey: Well I've had an excellent teacher.
(Jennifer, Brad, and Courteney enter)
Jennifer: So this is what civilization looks like.
Brad: Hey guys.
Rachel: What are you guys doing in the City?
Brad: Jen needed to be around friends.
Joey: When I feel that way I go to Mitchell Brothers, they know my name there.
Jenna: And if you go there again, the mortician is gonna know your name.
Joey: What's a mortician? (Ross whispers something in Joey's ear) Oh my God!
Ross: Problem solved Jenna.
Jennifer: Actually, Brad and I have a request.
Chandler: Please don't make Monica sing.
Monica: I sing fine!
Chandler: Then why did the glass break during your rendition of Man, I Feel Like A Woman?
Joey: Chandler, are you sure you weren't the one singing?
Jennifer: Brad and I are having Courteney baptized this weekend and we'd like you all to come.
Joey: I thought they only to do that to boys.
Ross: It's not a circumcision, it's a baptism.
Joey: So what do they do to girls?
Jenna: Why did I let him get me pregnant?
Jennifer: Can you all come?
Brad: Great. It's at St. John the Baptist out in Long Island. It's at 2 pm.
Joey: You're gonna have an actual saint baptize Courteney? That's so cool. She could be the next pope.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin and Ben are present)
Ross: What's for lunch?
Rachel: Whatever you're making.
Ben: Can I have ice cream for lunch?
Ben: But I got to have ice cream for lunch when I visited Mommy Carol.
Ross: Do I look like Mommy Carol?
Ben: No, you're much uglier than she is.
Ross: Congratulations, you just won a free pass to your room.
Ross: I'll come get you when it's time to come out. (Ben goes off to his room. Rachel's laughing) What's so funny?
Rachel: That you're punishing your son for telling the truth.
(There's a knock on the door. Rachel opens it. It's Jennifer and Brad)
Rachel: I thought you guys left for the Hamptons.
Ross: What's up?
Brad: There was one more request that Jennifer and I have.
Rachel: You wanna swap partners?
Brad: Now there's an idea.
Ross: Boy, the Enquirer would have a field day with that.
Jennifer: Brad and I would be honored if you guys would be Courteney's godparents.
Rachel (excited): Really?!
Ross: Is it ok that I'm Jewish?
Brad: It's not a problem, we've already checked with the Church.
Rachel: This is so cool! I'm gonna be a godmother!
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Joey, Monica and Michael are present)
Chandler: Why are you here? Shouldn't you be at the set?
Joey: Well for starters, they killed off my character in yesterday's script. The only thing left for me to do is attend my funeral.
Monica: If you're dead, why would you have to attend your funeral?
Joey: Duh, someone has to be in the casket. I'm dead, I have to be in the casket otherwise the dude wouldn't look like me. It's not like they could put any old person in there. Geez, don't you know anything about show business?
Monica: And hopefully they'll bury you along with the casket.
Joey: They wouldn't do that would they?
Monica: Yeah Joe, you're gonna be six feet under for the rest of your career.
Joey: Six feet under what?
Chandler: If you don't have to be at the set, why aren't you at your apartment doting on Jenna?
Joey: Because Jenna doesn't like to be crapped on. (Monica and Chandler look at Joey puzzled) That's not what doting means is it?
Monica: Why aren't you with Jenna?
Joey: Her parents are coming to see us today and I'm hiding from them.
Chandler: Because he thinks her parents hate him.
Monica: And hiding in the coffeehouse is a place where Jenna would never look?
Joey: Huh, I hadn't thought about that.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Jenna are present)
Phoebe: I know this is really none of my business, but have you told your parents that you're pregnant?
Jenna: Actually I was hoping that they'd die first.
Phoebe: You haven't told them?
Jenna: No. I'm afraid it would kill my Dad. I mean he nearly had a heart attack when he met Joey for the first time.
Phoebe: Yeah, Joey has that effect on people. You're gonna have to tell your parents soon, you're gonna be showing in a couple of weeks.
Jenna: What if I just don't see them until after the baby's born?
Phoebe: That's an idea. But what are you gonna do with the baby when you see them?
Jenna: I guess I'd let Joey watch the baby.
Phoebe: And there's the flaw in your plan. You can't leave Joey alone with a baby. You know what they say, the parents sometimes eat their young.
Jenna: Joey wouldn't eat the baby.
Phoebe: He would if he got hungry and there weren't any food.
Jenna: I think I'll tell my parents today. They're coming into the City to see me.
Phoebe: Do you have a plan? You know, how you're gonna tell them?
Jenna: Yeah, I planned on putting on Madonna's Greatest Hits and singing Papa Don't Preach to my father.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present)
Chandler: Where's the remote?
Monica: Where you left it.
Chandler: Where'd I leave it?
Monica: I don't know.
Chandler: You're really no help at all, you know that?
Monica: I do what I can.
(there's a knock at the door. Monica looks at Chandler)
Monica: Aren't you gonna answer the door?
Chandler: You're closer than I am!
Monica: But what if it's a burglar?
Chandler: Do you honestly think a burglar would knock before entering?
(Monica gets the door. It's a delivery man with a bouquet of roses)
Delivery Man: Hi. These are for….
Monica: Oh Chandler, you shouldn't have.
Chandler: I didn't.
Delivery Man: These are for a Mr. Chandler Bing.
Monica: They are?
Delivery Man: Yes ma'am.
Monica: Who are they from?
Delivery Man: I don't know. Would you please just sign for the flowers?
(Monica does so)
Monica: Thanks. (the delivery man leaves) Who's sending you flowers?
Chandler: My secret girlfriend.
Monica: Normally I'd think that was funny. It's not so funny right now. (opening the card and reading) My dearest Chandler, I have been watching you and I can't wait to be with you again. Love your secret admirer. (to Chandler) What the hell is this?
Chandler: I honestly don't know. I swear. I'm not cheating on you. I love you.
Monica: And yet you're getting flowers delivered to you! If you're gonna cheat on me, at least have the courtesy of having flowers delivered somewhere else!
Chandler: Monica, I'm serious, I don't know who they're from. I'd never cheat on you, I love you.
Monica: Yeah that's what a husband would say to his wife when he gets caught with his pants down! (Monica goes into the bedroom and slams the door)
Chandler (to himself): They are rather pretty flowers.
Monica: I heard that you bastard!
JENNA & JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey, Jenna and Phoebe are present)
Joey: Why again is Phoebe here?
Jenna: She's my safety net.
Joey: I thought I was your safety net!
Jenna: If you were my safety net, I wouldn't be pregnant.
Phoebe: I'll only be here until Jenna tells her parents that she's pregnant. Then I'll go.
(Jenna's parents enter)
Joey: You haven't told your parents yet?!
Jenna's Dad: What haven't you told your parents Jenna?
Jenna: Ah, ah….
Phoebe: Joey and Jenna are going to your house for Christmas. It was gonna be a surprise, but I guess you've just found out.
Jenna: Dad, Mom, this is Phoebe. Phoebe this is my Dad, Christian, and my Mom, Kathleen.
Phoebe: It's nice to finally meet you both, Jenna's said some wonderful things about you.
Christian: Really? Like what?
Phoebe: That you're so supportive of her life and her relationship with Joey. She talks about you all the time.
Kathleen: Well that's nice to hear. What do you do for a living Phoebe?
Phoebe: I am a prostitute.
(Kathleen and Christian look at Phoebe in shock)
Jenna: A philanthropist Phoebe, you're a philanthropist.
Phoebe: That's what I said.
Joey: You said you were a prostitute.
Phoebe: Damn it! There I go mixing up my past lives again.
Kathleen: Past lives?
Joey: Please don't get her started.
Jenna: Phoebe contributes money to various charities and volunteers at the VFW.
Joey: Yeah, Phoebe's loaded.
Phoebe: I am not! I haven't touched that stuff in over a week!
Joey: I meant that you're rich.
Phoebe (back pedaling): I knew that. I meant that I haven't touched the money under my mattress in over a week. I don't believe in banks, they're constantly charging frivolous fees.
Christian: Well it's nice to meet you Phoebe. Are you guys ready to go?
Jenna (panicking): Go?
Kathleen: Yes, you're father and I thought it'd be nice if we took you and Joey out for lunch.
Joey: Sounds good to me! How does Burger World sound? They've got the best Double Bacon Cheeseburgers.
Christian: As great as that sounds son, we have reservations at the Russian Tea Room.
Joey: No offense Mr. Eddy, but tea is hardly lunch.
Kathleen: I'll explain it to you in the cab Joey.
Jenna: Wanna come Phoebe?
Christian: We only have a reservation for four. I'm sorry Phoebe.
Jenna: Phoebe's coming.
Christian: But Jenna….
Jenna: Dad, Phoebe's my friend I want her to come with us. Besides, if we don't invite her she's likely to go out and buy the Russian Tea Room before we ever get there and then we won't get to sit down.
Kathleen: You're that rich?
Phoebe (sheepishly): I guess.
Joey: Please, you use $20 bills as toilet paper.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Ben and Caitlin are present. Ross is asleep on the couch. Rachel is reading on the love seat and Ben is playing with Caitlin)
Ben: Look Mom, Caitlin can throw a ball.
Rachel (not looking up from her book): That's neat Ben.
Ben: Here you go Caitlin, do it again.
(Caitlin throws the ball hitting a glass on the table, the glass falls to the floor and breaks. The sound awakens Ross)
Ben: Mommy, Caitlin swore.
Ross: Damn it Ben! What did I say about playing ball in the apartment!
Ben: But I didn't do it! It was Caitlin!
Ross: Stop blaming your sister! She's too young to know how to throw a ball.
Rachel: Actually she isn't. Look.
(Caitlin has picked up the ball again and throws it)
Ross (picking up Caitlin): Sweetie, don't throw the ball when your inside.
Rachel: Like she can understand what you're saying.
Ben: Well she knows how to say sh^t when something breaks.
Ross: Yes, we can thank your Mother for that. And don't you say that word again, do you hear me?
(Chandler, Monica and Michael enter)
Chandler: Hello Gellers.
Monica: How's my favorite nephew?
Ben: I'm good.
Monica: Did you have fun in California?
Ben: Yeah. I got to eat ice cream for lunch.
Chandler: Hey that's what I had for lunch today. You're becoming more and more like your Uncle Chandler everyday.
Rachel: Which we will talk about at a later time.
Ross: What are you guys up to?
Chandler: We have a question that we want to ask you.
Ross: I already told you, we can't swap partners, Monica's my sister. We'd get arrested.
Chandler: Actually I was just wondering if we could borrow Rachel for an evening?
Rachel: You need a babysitter?
Chandler: No, we want to have a threesome with you.
Rachel: Ok, let me go get my lingerie.
Chandler (to Monica): You're right, she really is a slut.
Ross: And you're wife isn't?
Monica: You're calling your little sister a slut?!
Ross: If the shoe fits.
Chandler: Look, Monica and I came here because something happened today that I can't seem to explain to Monica.
Monica: Chandler's cheating on me!
Chandler: Monica! I'm not cheating on you! How many times do I have to tell you that?
Rachel: What's going on?
Monica: Chandler had a dozen roses delivered to him from a secret admirer! The card read: "My dearest Chandler, I have been watching you and I can't wait to be with you again. Love your secret admirer". He's cheating on me!
Ross: Are you cheating on my sister?
Ross: 'Cause I will kick your ass if it's true! (Chandler, Rachel and Monica laugh) I'm serious, I'll kick his ass!
Rachel: Why do you need our help?
Chandler: I need you guys to help find the person that sent me the flowers. It's the only way I can prove to Monica that I'm not cheating on her.
Rachel: How are we supposed to do that?
Chandler: I don't know. Have you noticed anybody staring at me or anything when we're all together?
Ross: I have noticed that Gunther has taken an interest in you. Maybe he sent you the flowers.
Chandler: I'm not gay!
Monica: Yet you exude gayness.
Rachel: Maybe it's Janice. When's the last time you saw Janice?
Chandler: It couldn't be her. She's married.
Monica: Well that didn't stop you!
Chandler: Monica! Give me some credit, if I was gonna cheat on you, it wouldn't be with Janice!
Monica: So you are cheating on me!
Chandler: No! No! No, I'm not cheating on you! Stop turning the tables on me!
Ross: Well I guess there's only one way to find out who sent you the flowers.
Ross: Put yourself in a situation where your secret admirer can see you. Maybe we can flush he or she out.
Chandler: It's not a he!
Rachel: Come on Chandler, you're always having guys checking you out. Your secret admirer could be a guy.
Chandler: I do not have guys checking me out! They're checking out Monica!
Monica: No honey, Rachel's right, they're checking you out.
THE RUSSIAN TEA ROOM (Joey, Jenna, Phoebe and Jenna's Parents are present)
Kathleen: How are your parents Joey?
Joey: There're good. My Dad finally sold his business and retired. My parents are thinking about moving to a warmer climate.
Joey: No, they said something about moving to New Jersey.
Phoebe: Don't you wanna know what's new with Jenna? (Jenna kicks Phoebe under the table) Ow! That hurt!
Christian: What's going on Jenna?
Jenna: Nothing. I just accidentally kicked Phoebe. Yeah, I have been having these uncontrollable movements lately.
Joey: I told her to take Immodium AD, but she won't listen to me.
Kathleen: So have you guys set a wedding date yet?
Joey: We have?
Jenna: We're getting married the first weekend in May.
Joey: When were you planning on telling me?!
Jenna: The week before.
Joey: Oh. I guess that's plenty of notice.
Christian: Are you having the wedding in Marlton?
Jenna: No, we're having it here in the City at St. Basil's.
Jenna: It's just easier to have it in the City Dad. All of our friends live in the City and most of Joey's family isn't allowed to leave the City due to their parole conditions.
Joey: This is true.
Jenna: I made that last part up you idiot.
Joey: I knew that.
Phoebe: Who's your maid of honor?
Phoebe: That's your best man Joey.
Joey: Well he could be a maid of honor, he is gay after all.
Phoebe: No he isn't!
Joey: Well he could be if he'd just realize that he's gay.
Jenna: I haven't decided who's going to be my maid of honor.
Phoebe: I'll give you $50,000 if you let me be your maid of honor.
Joey: Done. We'll expect a cashier's check tomorrow.
Jenna: Phoebe was kidding Joey.
Phoebe: Not really. (Kathleen and Christian look at Phoebe) Ok, I was kidding around. You can't slip one by Jenna, although Joey was successful at doing just that.
Christian: What is going on Jenna? Is there something that you need to tell us?
Jenna: Can't it wait until we're done eating?
Joey: I don't think so. I really want to know what it is that you have to tell your parents. (Jenna tries to kick Joey under the table but misses) You missed. (Jenna kicks Joey) Ow! You got me that time.
Kathleen: Did you get fired from your job?
Kathleen: I was talking to Jenna.
Joey: Then no, I didn't.
Jenna: I didn't get fired. I really think I should wait until after lunch.
Joey: Come on honey, the suspense is killing me!
Jenna: You already I know what I'm going to tell them you idiot!
Joey: I do? (Jenna whispers into Joey's ear) That's it? That you're pregnant? They'll be fine with that.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin, Ben, Monica, Chandler and Michael are present)
Chandler: Do you see anyone checking me out?
Ross: That guy over there seems to be really interested in you.
Chandler: Let me clarify my question, are any females checking me out?
Rachel: No. Just that guy.
Ben: Dad, why is a guy checking out Uncle Chandler?
Ross: I'll explain it to you when you're a little older Ben.
Ben: Is it because Uncle Chandler's a closeted gay man?
Ross: No. And where did you hear that?
Ben: Uncle Joey told me.
Chandler: It looks like I'm in the market for a new best friend.
Ross: I thought I was your best friend!
Chandler: And the position is filled.
Monica: Well we've been here for over an hour and there's no sign of your secret admirer. I think it's time to go.
Ben: But Aunt Monica, that guy really seems to like Uncle Chandler.
Monica: I'll be right back.
Chandler: Where are you going?
Monica: To confront that guy.
Chandler: My secret admirer is not some guy! It's a woman! It's a gorgeous woman!
Rachel: Sounds like someone is living in a fantasy world.
Monica: I'm just gonna talk to him.
Chandler: Fine. But don't tell him my name!
(Monica goes over to talk the guy)
Rachel: Chandler if that really is your secret admirer, then he already knows your name.
Monica: He wasn't checking you out.
Chandler: Thank God!
Monica: Apparently he was checking me out. I just told him that I was flattered but married to a closeted gay man. I told him to call me after my husband comes out of the closet.
Chandler: I told you I wasn't cheating on you with some guy. (pause) You told him what?!
THE RUSSIAN TEA ROOM (Continued from before)
Kathleen: You're, you're….
Jenna: Yes Mom, I'm expecting. I wanted you to hear it from me first, but my stupid fiancé beat me to it!
Christian: Then I guess we're having the wedding this weekend.
Joey: Ah, we can't do that, we already have plans.
Christian: Joey, shut the hell up before I shove this cornish hen down your throat. You two are getting married this weekend.
Joey: I'm gonna go to the bathroom. (Joey gets up and leaves)
Jenna: Look Mom and Dad, this is a good thing. Joey and I are getting married anyway and we just got a head start on having children. We were planning on having children anyway.
Christian: You had sex before you got married!
Phoebe: Who hasn't had sex before they got married?
Kathleen: I didn't. I waited until I got married.
Christian: Jenna, you're getting married this weekend and that's final. Then you and Joey can move in together and get on with your lives.
Phoebe: Well they've already done the moving in thing, marriage is just the last step for those two.
Kathleen: You're living with Joey?
Phoebe: I'm sensing that you didn't know that. I think I'll join Joey in the bathroom. (Phoebe gets up from the table)
Jenna: Yes, Joey and I are living together.
Christian: Well of course you are! That's why you're pregnant!
Jenna: Dad, I'm pregnant because my birth control failed.
Christian: You were using birth control?! What kind of Catholic uses birth control?
(Joey returns and sits back down)
Joey: I'm one Catholic that's always used a condom. I have used condoms since I was 12.
Jenna: Joey, did you wash your hands?
Joey: Damn it! (Joey returns to the bathroom)
Jenna: Mom, Dad, I know you're a little disappointed…..
Christian: A little? Try very disappointed!
Jenna: I'm marrying Joey and I'm having our baby. If you don't like it, you don't have to come to the wedding and you don't have to be a part of your grandchild's life. We're getting married in May as planned and the baby is due in late March. You have until then to make up your mind.
Kathleen: Do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?
Jenna: No. We've decided not to know until the baby is born.
Kathleen: I'm happy for you Jenna. It may not be the way your father and I did things, but I'm still happy for you. I'm finally happy that you found someone who makes you happy.
Jenna: Thanks Mom.
Christian: I'll be right back.
Jenna: Where are you going Dad?
Christian: To the bathroom.
Phoebe: Did you know that they have a tampon machine in the bathroom? They're only a quarter. I bought some extras if you want one.
(cut to the bathroom)
Christian: Joey, come out here.
(Joey emerges from the stall)
Joey: You're not Chandler.
Christian: Joey, I have only one thing to say to you.
Joey: Before or after you hit me?
Christian: Take good care of my daughter and be the best father that you can be to my grandkid.
Joey: I will. I won't let you down.
Christian: If you do, I'm gonna hunt you down and make your life a living hell.
Joey: Fair enough. Though Jenna does that pretty well herself. (Christian just looks at Joey) I was just kidding.
Christian: I wasn't.
TO BE CONTINUED
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler, and Michael are present)
Chandler: Thanks for dinner Mon, that was great!
Monica: Consider it your last meal before your execution.
Chandler: For God's sake, I'm not cheating on you!
(There's a knock on the door)
Monica: What do we have here, another special delivery from the secret admirer?
Chandler (opening the door): Maybe it's Ed McMahon and the prize patrol.
Delivery Man: Hi, I have a delivery for a Mr. Chandler Bing.
Chandler: I'm Chandler Bing.
Delivery Man: Sign here please.
Monica: What is it this time?
Chandler: I dunno. It's gift-wrapped.
Monica: Open it. (Chandler opens the package) What is it?
Chandler: I don't want to tell you.
Monica: Tell me what it is!
Chandler: It's a box of condoms.
Monica: Is there a card?
Chandler: Yeah. It says "Make sure you wear your raincoat when we finally get together. It's wet and warm inside and we need to be careful". This is definitely from a woman.
Monica: How do you know?
Chandler: Take a whiff.
Monica: That's perfume.
Chandler: I know of only two people who wear this perfume and that's you and Janice.
Monica: Then it must be Janice. You're secret admirer is Janice!
Chandler: A part of me is really wishing that it was that guy at Central Perk.