Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, Michael, and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: Did you get the condoms that I sent you Chandler?

Monica: That was you?!

Chandler: Are you purposefully trying to ruin my marriage?!

Phoebe: Why would I do that? You're doing a fine job by yourself. (Chandler glares at Phoebe) Relax, it wasn't me. Rachel told me all about your secret admirer.

Monica: If I find the wench that's sending Chandler gifts, I'll kill her.

Phoebe: Are you sure it's not a guy?

Chandler: It's not a guy!

Monica: It's not a guy Phoebe. The last package was sprayed with perfume.

Phoebe: Oh. (pause) Are you sure it wasn't from Chandler's Dad then?


ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (The Geller family is present)

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: What?

Rachel: Are you ready to go?

Ross: Where are we going?

Rachel: To the christening.

Ross: It's not for another five hours Rachel.

Rachel: But we might hit traffic.

Ross: It's Sunday, there's not going to be any traffic.

Rachel: But the cab could break down.

Ross: Then we'll take the bus.

Rachel: But the bus could break down.

Ross: Then why don't you start walking. I'll have the cab pick you up on the way.

Rachel: I'm being ridiculous again aren't I?

Ross: Slightly.

Rachel: I'm just so excited!

Ross: Me too honey. Me too.

Rachel: Do you wanna practice?

Ross: Rach, all we're gonna do is stand there. There's nothing to practice.

Rachel: But I need to kill time. The wait is eating me alive.

Ross: Then why do you go play with your massager.

Rachel: I don't own a massager. (Ross just looks at Rachel) Oh, that massager. Mommy's gonna go lie down for a while kids.

Ross: Lock the door.

Ben: Mommy's gonna play with that vibrating thing isn't she?

JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are present)

Joey: How are feeling?

Jenna: Like an alien is in my stomach.

Joey: That's so cool. That's kinda like that Alien movie.

Jenna: It's nothing like the Alien movie! I've spent the past eight hours throwing up!

Joey: Yeah about that, it's now 12:30, shouldn't your morning sickness be over for today? (Jenna sprints to the bathroom) I guess not. (Joey goes into the bathroom) Sweetie, do you need to skip the christening?

Jenna: Is that today?

Joey: Yeah. It's at 2. We're gonna have to leave in a half-hour.

Jenna: I think I'll be ok. (starts getting sick again) Maybe not.

MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are getting ready to leave)

Monica: Do you have the diaper bag?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: Do you have the handy wipes?

Chandler: They're in the diaper bag.

Monica: Do you have…..

Chandler: It's in the diaper bag.

Monica: You put Courteney's present in the diaper bag?

Chandler: Oh. No, I have that right here in my hand.

(There's a knock on the door)

Monica: Come on in Phoebe. (to Chandler) Do you have my purse?

Chandler: Why would I have your purse? I don't carry a purse.

Monica: I guess that was a dream then.

(There's another knock on the door)

Monica: You have to turn the knob Phoebe.

(the door opens, it's a delivery woman)

Delivery Woman: I'm sorry to enter like this but you wouldn't open the door.

Monica: Can we help you?

Delivery Woman: I have a delivery for a Mr. Chandler Bing.

Chandler: That's me.

Delivery Woman: Sign here please.

Chandler (shutting the door): Thanks.

Monica: We are definitely moving! What is it this time?

Chandler: It's, it's, it's two tickets to Bermuda.

Monica: Bermuda?! That slut wants to go to Bermuda with you! You haven't even taken me to Bermuda!

Chandler: Well we can go now, we have two free tickets.

Monica: I'm not using tickets meant for you and your secret admirer.

Chandler: But I'm not cheating on you!

Monica: Is there a card this time?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: What does it say?

Chandler (reading the card): My dearest lover, I can't wait to see you again in your banana hammock when we get to Bermuda. Love always Meg.

Monica: Who the hell is Meg?!

Chandler: That's what I'd like to know!

Monica: You better be straight with me Chandler! Who is Meg?

Chandler: Monica, honest to God, I don't know anyone named Meg. I'm not cheating on you. You have to believe me.

Monica: Don't worry, if you're cheating on me, God will strike you down as soon as we enter that Church.

ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST CATHOLIC CHURCH (The Pitt Family, The Geller Family, The Bing Family, Joey and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: Where's Jenna?

Joey: She's sick.

Phoebe: And you didn't stay home with her? What's the matter with you?

Joey: She told me to come. She said I wasn't helping.

Phoebe: What'd you do? Ask her what she wanted for dinner while she was getting sick?

Joey: How'd you know?

Jennifer (to Rachel): Brad and I would like you to hold Courteney when she's baptized.

Rachel: Really?

Jennifer: Yeah. Ross?

Ross: Yeah?

Jennifer: You're in charge of lighting the baptismal candle.

Ross: I can do that. (pause) When do I do that?

Brad: When the Priest tells you to.

Rachel: Just think of being at home honey, like when I tell you to do something and you just do it, no questions asked.

Phoebe: Where's the Priest?

Brad: He should be here any minute now.

Phoebe: Why is that all Priests are old and ugly as sin these days?

(The Priest enters. He's a young, very handsome man)

Priest: Hello, I'm Father John, I'll be presiding over Courteney's baptism today.

Joey (to Chandler): That's the dude from Robin Hood.

Father John: Actually that was Little John. You're thinking of Friar Tuck.

Caitlin: F^ck.

Rachel: I'm so sorry. She didn't mean to say that.

Father John: It's ok. She's not the first child to think that tuck was actually, well you know.

Monica (to Phoebe): There goes your theory about Priests being old and ugly.

Phoebe: I think I'm in love.

Monica: He's a Priest Phoebe!

Phoebe: So? Haven't you ever seen The Thornbirds?

THE LEFT BANK (Brad and Jennifer have rented a back room at the restaurant to celebrate Courteney's christening)

Phoebe (to Chandler): So I heard you got a present from Meg.

Chandler: Two tickets to Bermuda. The problem is, I don't know who Meg is.

Phoebe: You'll figure it out. (Phoebe walks away)

Chandler: What's that supposed to mean?

Monica: What's up two timer?

Chandler: Was I struck down in the house of God? I'm not cheating on you.

Monica: Well just in case, Father John has agreed to hear your confession. (Monica leaves)

Ross: Dude, going to Bermuda with the mistress. When you get back, I'm getting your ass.

Chandler: I'm not going to Bermuda and you could never kick my ass.

(cut to Phoebe and Father John)

Phoebe: Hi your holiness. My name is Phoebe.

Father John: Please, call me John.

Phoebe: Isn't that your middle name?

Father John: No, John is my first name.

Phoebe: Oh, I thought your first name was Father. Anyway, I really liked your little story, it brought warmth to my heart and other parts of my body.

Father John: Oh?

Phoebe: Have you ever seen The Thornbirds?

(cut to Jennifer, Monica and Rachel)

Monica: I can't believe it.

Rachel: What?

Monica: Phoebe is trying to seduce Father John.

Jennifer: Well God does send people their ultimate temptation at some point in their lives. Kinda like Chandler's right now.

Monica: You know about that?

Jennifer: Well it was kinda hard not to notice you yelling at Chandler when we were at the Church. Who is Meg?

Monica: I don't know. He keeps telling me that he doesn't know who she is and I'm trying really hard to believe him.

Rachel: Maybe Meg is someone Chandler made up and he's just trying to mess with you.

Monica: Well that's a really mean thing to do!

Jennifer: Or maybe you know Meg and just don't realize that you already know her.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Uh oh.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Phoebe just left with Father John.

Jennifer: So much for his vows of celibacy.

(cut to Brad, Ross and Chandler)

Brad: And you have no idea who Meg is?

Chandler: No!

Ross: But Meg's seen you in your banana hammock.

Chandler: I don't even own a banana hammock. I can't even fill out a banana hammock.

Ross: Must be tough being you.

Chandler: What are you smirking at, you can't fill out one either!

Ross: I can too!

Brad: Would you two stop comparing your penises and focus on the matter at hand?

Chandler: I seriously don't know who this Meg person is, but if she keeps sending me stuff, she's gonna wreck my marriage.

Ross: Huh.

Chandler: Would you stop picturing me in a speedo!

Ross: No, I just thought of something. I'll be right back.

Chandler: Where're you going?

Ross: To talk to Phoebe.

(cut to Phoebe and Father John outside)

Phoebe: So that's why I have a hard time with God.

Father John: I can understand why you feel that way. It's hard to accept our path in life sometimes, especially when it throws various curves at you.

Phoebe: Have you had any curves thrown your way?

Father John (who's been staring at Phoebe's body): I'll say.

Phoebe: What?

Father John: I mean yes, I've had my share of hardships. Everyone has them Phoebe, we just have to rise above them and move on in life.

Phoebe: Excuse me for asking this, but before you became a Priest, were you ever intimate with a woman?

Father John: Yes. When I was in my early twenties I was deeply in love with my college girlfriend. Her name was Cecelia. She broke my heart senior year of college.

Phoebe: What happened to her?

Father John: She discovered that she was a lesbian and started an affair with her roommate.

Phoebe: Don't feel bad. You're not the first person I've met that has had that happen to them. My good friend Ross, the one that lit the baptismal candle at the christening today, his first wife was a closeted lesbian when they married. She left him for another woman. But he's doing great now. He's married to one of my best friends and has two great kids.

Father John: Well I found my calling in the priesthood.

Phoebe: How long have you been a Priest?

Father John: What's today?

Phoebe: Saturday.

Father John: Almost a week now.

Phoebe: They let you perform baptisms after being on the job for only a week?

Father John: Well the Pastor, Father Dan, likes to watch college football on Saturdays so he asked me to perform the ceremony.

Phoebe: You don't like football?

Father John: No, I love football. It's just that I'm low man on the totem pole. I get all the ceremonies that no one else wants to perform.

JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are present. Jenna's in bed)

Joey: How are you feeling?

Jenna: Better.

Joey: Does that mean you want pizza for dinner?

Jenna (racing to the bathroom): You bastard!

Joey: I guess that's a no vote. (going into the bathroom) Do you need me to call the Doctor?

Jenna: No. Just don't bring up food.

Joey: Ok. Is it ok if I run out to the store?

Jenna: Yeah. What do you need at the store?

Joey: I was just gonna pick-up some potato chips and dip.

Jenna (rushing back to the bathroom): Joey!

CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are present)

Monica: You asked him out?! Are you crazy? He's a Priest!

Rachel: Really Pheebs, this is just sick. You don't date Priests.

Phoebe: What's the big deal? We're just going to the movies. Priests are allowed to go to the movies.

Monica: What are you seeing?

Phoebe: Actually we're renting a movie.

Rachel: What movie?

Phoebe: The Thornbirds.

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: He said he hadn't seen it. What could I do? Tell him no?

Rachel: God knows you're incapable of saying no.

Monica: Did you tell him that the movie is about a Priest who violates his vows by falling in love with a woman?

Phoebe: Surprisingly that didn't come up. I'll see you guys later. I have a date. (Phoebe leaves)

Monica: I swear she's the devil in a blue dress.

Rachel: Speaking of evil, have we heard from Meg?

Monica: No. But if that slut sends one more thing to Chandler, I'm, I'm, I'm going to….

Rachel: Neuter Chandler?

Monica: Exactly.

Rachel: When's the trip to Bermuda?

Monica: I don't know.

Rachel: Your telling me that you didn't even look at the tickets to find out when your husband's supposed to be off to Bermuda with his secret admirer?

Monica: Ok, ok. They're supposed to leave in a week.

Rachel: And you have no idea who Meg is?

Monica: No. Do you?

Rachel: I don't, but I think your brother has figured out who Meg is.

Monica: He has?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Did he tell you?

Rachel: No, he wanted to make sure that he talked to you first.

Monica: Good, I'll finally find out who that slut is.

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Father John are present)

Father John (pointing at the TV): Who's that? She's incredibly hot.

Phoebe: That's, ah, I forget her name. She falls in love with some guy in the movie.

Father John: Who does she fall in love with?

Phoebe: Be patient. This is a mini-series. It'll start to make sense in about an hour.

Father John: We're gonna watch the entire mini-series tonight?

Phoebe: No, just the first two hours. You'll have to come back if you want to see the rest of the movie.

Father John (laughing): If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to seduce me.

Phoebe: Would I do that?

(Ross enters)

Ross: Hey Phoebe! (sees Father John) Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company.

Phoebe: Father John, this is my friend Ross. He's the one whose first wife left him for another woman.

Father John: You were a godparent to Jennifer and Brad's daughter right?

Ross: Yeah.

Father John: It's good to see you again. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get back to the movie.

Ross: Pheebs, can I talk to you for a minute?

Phoebe: Sure.

Ross: Could I talk to you out in the hall for a minute? (Phoebe and Ross walk outside) Are you nuts? You're trying to seduce a Priest?

Phoebe: I'm doing nothing of the sort! We're just friends. Would I seduce a Priest?

Ross: Yes comes to mind!

Phoebe: What do you need? I'm on a date at the moment.

Ross: You just said you guys were just friends!

Phoebe: We are, it's just a friendly date. There will be no exchanges of body fluids tonight, I promise you that.

Ross: And the next time?

Phoebe: What do you need?

Ross: It's about Chandler's secret admirer. I think I've figured out who it is.

Phoebe: Really? Who do you think it is? (Ross whispers something into Phoebe's ear) It can't be!

Ross: But it has to be her. There's no other explanation.

Phoebe: But she wouldn't do something like that.

Ross: Yeah she would.

Phoebe: What are you gonna do? Are you gonna tell Chandler?

Ross: I'll drop some hints to Chandler, but I'm gonna let him figure it out.

Phoebe: He's never gonna figure it out!

Ross: With the right hints he will.

Phoebe: Keep me posted. I've got to get back to Father John. You want to watch the movie with us?

Ross: No, I trust that you won't do anything stupid.

Phoebe: You trust me?

Ross: Let me put it this way, I trust Father John has the willpower to resist Phoebe Buffay.

Phoebe: He better have a strong will.

Ross: Phoebe!

Phoebe: I'm kidding. I wouldn't seduce a Priest.

MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler, Michael, Rachel and Caitlin are present)

Chandler: Where's Ross?

Rachel: I have no idea but if you see him, tell him that I'm looking for him.

Chandler: Is he in trouble?

Rachel: No, I'm just ovulating again. If he comes here, would it be ok if we borrow your bed for 30 minutes?

Chandler: It takes Ross that long? Man, he's got some stamina.

Monica: Something you definitely lack.

Rachel: Don't feel bad Chandler, the first two minutes are for Ross, the next twenty-eight are for me.

Monica: At least Ross lets you get to the Promised Land, Chandler just falls asleep.

Chandler: Well, well, well….I'm just gonna go…. (Chandler goes into the bedroom and slams the door)

(There's a knock at the door)

Rachel: Who could that be? It's almost 9:30.

Monica: It's gotta be the neighbor above us. They're always complaining that we slam the doors too much. (Monica opens the door, it's another delivery man)

Delivery Man: Is this the Bing residence?

Monica: Yes, yes it is. Can I help you?

Delivery Man: I have a delivery for a Mr. Chandler Bing. Could you sign here please?

Monica: Yeah. (signs) What is it?

Delivery Man (handing her a box): This is for Mr. Bing. (the delivery man leaves)

Monica: Chandler? Chandler sweetie, come out here, you've got another delivery.

Chandler (from the bedroom): Open it yourself!

Rachel: Wow, he really gets crouchy when you put his sexual abilities down.

Monica: And Ross doesn't?

Rachel: Ross never had any abilities to begin with so there's nothing to make fun of. Open the box!

Monica (opening the box): Let's see, he's gonna flowers, condoms, two tickets to Bermuda and now…..(pulling out five videos)

Rachel: What is it?

Monica: Porn videos! The bitch sent him porn videos!

(Chandler emerges from the bedroom)

Chandler: What videos did she send?! (Monica glares at Chandler) I mean porn videos, why would I be interested in porn?

Monica: Let's see here, there's Debbie Does Dallas, The Greatest Lays of Jenna Jameson, The Last American Nymph, Phoebe Buffay, The Vampire Layer….

Rachel: I've seen that one! (Monica glares at Rachel) Sorry.

Monica: And Fill My Back Door.

Chandler: All excellent choices. (Monica glares at Chandler again) I think I'll return to the bedroom now. (Chandler goes back into the bedroom)

Rachel: Is there a card this time?

Monica (looking into the box): Yeah, it's right here. (reading) My Dearest Chandler, these videos should give you some idea how I'd like to spend our time in Bermuda. Can't wait to rub oil all over your body. Love Always, Meg.

Rachel: Maybe we should watch one of the videos. You know, just to see what she wants to do to your husband.

Monica: I'm not watching porn! I don't watch porn!

Rachel: Yet you and Chandler make videos all the time.

Monica: We do not!

Rachel: So Bang a Bing doesn't ring any bells with you?

Monica: How'd you find out about that?!

Rachel: I'm married to Chandler's best friend, I find things out. Unfortunately I might add.

Monica: Well at least I wasn’t so bored before the christening that I had to play with my vibrator for an hour.

Rachel: You bitch! How'd you find out about that?

Monica: I'm married to Ross' best friend.

JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV as Jenna emerges from the bedroom)

Jenna: Joey?

Joey: Yeah pumpkin?

Jenna (putting her hand over her mouth): What did I say about bringing up food?!

Joey: Sorry. What's up sweetie?

Jenna (putting her hand over her mouth again): Sweetie?! Are you trying to kill me?

Joey: What's up Jenna?

Jenna: I think we should go to the hospital. It's been over 18 hours now, and I'm still feeling really nauseous.

Joey: Ok. I'll go ask Phoebe for her car keys. I'll be right back. If you're hungry, there's some left over pizza in the refrigerator.

Jenna (running to the bathroom): You idiot!

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Father John are present)

Father John: There sure is a lot of sex in this movie.

Phoebe: Yeah, but there's no nudity so that kinda blows.

Father John (laughing): That’s a good thing or I'd be in real trouble.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Pheebs?

Father John: You should really lock your door.

Phoebe: Joey, I'm kinda in the middle of something. Take whatever you want and go away.

Joey: Isn't that Little John?

Father John: It is, but actually it's Father John.

Joey: You're allowed to date?

Father John: The Church is much more liberal now.

Joey: So you gonna get some tonight?

Father John: Not that liberal.

Joey: Must suck to be you.

Phoebe (mad): What do you need Joey?

Joey: I need to borrow your car.

Phoebe: You can't.

Joey: But you let me borrow it all the time! I've gotta get Jenna to the hospital! This is no time to start restricting my privileges! So I stole so bananas from you, I told you that I was gonna replace them!

Phoebe: Joey, my car is still in the shop. Remember? I had an accident and the car was damaged.

Joey: That was over a month ago!

Phoebe: But the parts just came in. You're gonna have to take the bus.

Joey: I can't take the bus! I don't have any money!

Phoebe: Then call 911.

Father John: You can take my car Joey. It's parked in the lot across the street. I'll call down to the attendant and tell him to give you the car.

Joey: Thanks Father. My fiancée and I really appreciate it.

Father John: Go my son. You're interrupting my movie.

Joey: Hey, I've seen that movie. That's the one about the Priest who breaks his vows with the really hot chick.

Phoebe: Joey!

Joey: I'm leaving. Thanks again Father.

Father John: I guess I just found out what the movie is about.

Phoebe: Father John, I can explain….

Father John: You're not the only one who hasn't been totally honest. I've seen the movie before.

(Phoebe looks at Father John is shock)

MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Joey, Jenna and a Doctor are present)

Joey (to the Doctor): Is it anything serious?

Doctor: It looks like she has E Coli.

Joey: No, she has Blue Cross/Blue Shield through work.

Doctor: Excuse me?

Joey: Her insurance, her insurance is through Blue Cross/Blue Shield, not E Coli.

Doctor: I'm sorry, E Coli is a bacteria. You can get it from undercooked meat. Has she eaten any meat in the past 48 hours?

Joey: We did go to Burger World yesterday, but they're fine cuisine, I doubt she picked up there.

Doctor: Isn't your fiancée pregnant?

Joey: Yeah.

Doctor: She shouldn't be eating at Burger World. She should be eating healthy.

Joey: But Burger World is healthy! They make the best burgers in New York City.

Doctor: Burgers which are high in fat, which isn't good for you.

Joey: They sure taste good.

Doctor: Anyway Mr. Tribbiani, we're going to keep Jenna overnight, give her some antibiotics and fluids and she should be ready to go home tomorrow. Do you happen to know the number to the Burger World that you ate at yesterday?

Joey: You kidding me? I've got it memorized. The number is 555-8113. Ask for Tico, he's the manager. Tell him Joey sent you. I get a 1% discount there, he'll give to you if your nice. You gonna pick up some burgers when your shift is over?

Doctor: No. I'm going to call the Health Department and have them do a surprise inspection.

(Joey stands in shock)

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Father John are present)

Phoebe: You've seen this movie?

Father John: Yes, four times.

Phoebe: Then why did you tell me that you hadn't?

Father John: So I'd have something to confess at confession.

Phoebe: That's so sweet.

Father John: The truth is, I wanted to hang out with you. You're a really nice person. If I wasn't a Priest, I would've asked you out myself.

Phoebe: That's even sweeter. (pause) But you are a Priest and even though my plan tonight was to try to seduce you, I can't do that to you. I don't want God mad at me.

Father John: God is not vengeful Phoebe.

Phoebe: Tell that to my dead mother.

Father John: Maybe I better go.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Father John: Wait, I can't go, Joey has my car.

Phoebe: Damn. Oops, I mean darn.

Father John: Damn isn't a swear word.

Phoebe: Good thing to hear, I use that word all the time. (pause) You can sleep in my room if you want. Don't worry, I'll sleep on the couch.

Father John: How about you sleep in your room, and I'll sleep on the couch?

Phoebe: Fine by me. Goodnight.

Father John: See you in the morning. (Phoebe goes to enter her room and then turns around)

Phoebe: Oh, one other thing, if I emerge from my bedroom tomorrow morning completely nude, don't be alarmed, it just means that I forgot that you stayed the night.

Father John: Well I hope you do forget.

Phoebe: What?

Father John: Sorry, just a little Priestly humor.

MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler, Michael, Rachel, and Caitlin are present)

Monica: Why are you still here?

Rachel: Because Ross told me to meet him here.

Monica: Why?

Rachel: I dunno. He said he had something to tell you.

Monica: Tell me what?

Rachel: Don't you think I would've told you already if I knew?

Chandler (emerging from the bedroom): Staying the night Rachel?

Rachel: No. I'm just waiting for Ross.

Chandler: You can stay if you want. You can sleep next to me and Monica, nude preferably.

Monica: Keep it up buddy and you'll be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life.

Chandler: I don't know about that, I'll always have Meg. (Monica glares at Chandler) I think I'll go to bed now.

(Ross enters)

Ross: Hey, sorry I'm late.

Rachel: Where've you been?!

Ross: I was out looking for Chandler.

Rachel: Chandler's been here the whole time!

Ross: Oh.

(Chandler emerges from the bedroom)

Chandler: Can't you see I'm trying to sleep in here?

Monica: Then why do you have a Playboy in your hand?

Chandler: Hey Ross, what are you doing here?

Ross: I've figured out who Meg is.

Chandler: You have? Who is it?

Ross: In a minute.

Monica: How, how'd you find out who it is?

Ross: A little investigative work, a little brain power.

Rachel: A little brain power being the operative word.

Monica: Well as much fun as this sounds, I'm tired and I'm going to bed.

Ross: Are you sure you wanna do that Meg?

Monica: What? I'm not Meg. My name is Monica.

Ross: Yes, but your initials, at least before you got married were MEG. Monica Eunice Geller.

Chandler (laughing uncontrollably): Your middle name is Eunice?

Monica: Shut up Muriel.

Rachel (to Monica): Wow, your parents really did hate you.

Monica: So my initials spell MEG, that doesn't mean I'm Meg. I mean why would I send my own husband flowers, condoms, two tickets to Bermuda and porn videos?

Chandler: Yeah Ross, why would Monica do something like that? (to Monica) And if Meg really is you, why'd you keep accusing me of cheating on you?

Monica: I'm not Meg.

Ross: But you are.

Monica: Listen Dr. Geller, you're way out of your league here. The only thing you're little soiree into private investigation is going to get is sh^t on your face.

Caitlin: Sh^t.

Rachel: Someday that child is going to learn other words.

Ross: Fine, don't believe me. But I have the proof to blow you out of the water.

Monica: The only thing you have is the ability to last two minutes in the bedroom. I'm going to bed.

Rachel: Goodnight Meg.

Monica: I'm not Meg!

Ross: Here is receipt to Tony's Florist for 12 dozen roses, to be delivered to a Mr. Chandler Bing. The purchase was charged to the credit card of a Mrs. Monica Bing. Since you can buy condoms anywhere I couldn't track down that purchase. The trip to Bermuda was a little hard to verify, but thanks to my friend Colette at Azevedo Travel….

Rachel: Who's Colette?!

Ross: Can I finish?

Rachel: Who's Colette?!

Ross: She's a friend of Julie's.

Rachel: Well that makes it so much better!

Ross: Anyway, Colette was able trace the airline tickets to Bermuda. A Mrs. Monica Bing paid for them by credit card for travel one week from today. Hotel arrangements for a master suite were reserved under the name Mrs. Monica Bing for six nights. And finally the porn videos, this one was to easy. If Monica had been smart, she would've purchased them on-line, making the purchase nearly impossible to trace. Instead she went down to The High Hard One, the only porn shop in the Village and purchased the videos there. She didn't charge them by the way, she paid cash. It's just that Victor never forgets a pretty woman who buys porn videos. There you have it Monica, you're Meg.

(Everyone looks at Monica)

Chandler: Why would you do that?

Monica: I had my reasons.

Chandler: Would you care to share them with me?

Monica: What Ross failed to uncover was the limo service which is supposed to pick up Chandler at his office. When Chandler was to get into the limo, he would've found me with a sign saying "My name is Meg". But thanks to Ross, that surprise is completely ruined. So thanks Ross, I appreciate you screwing up my little secret admirer fantasy game.

Ross: I'm so sorry Mon, I didn't know. I thought I was helping Chandler out.

Chandler: You did all this for me?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: And you didn’t tell anyone?

Monica: Only my Mom. I had to make arrangements for Michael.

Rachel: That's gotta be the most romantic thing I've ever seen. I mean, you bought Chandler porn videos! But why exactly did you get Fill My Back Door? (pause) You know what, don't answer that. We'd better go Ross. We'll see you guys tomorrow.

Chandler: Bye guys.

Ross: I really am sorry Monica. It's just that Chandler was upset that you thought he was cheating on you and he's my best friend. I wanted to prove to you that he was innocent.

Monica: It's ok. I'll pay you back eventually. I guess I didn't think things all the way through. I knew I should've talked to Phoebe about my plan.

Chandler: Why's that honey?

Monica: Because Phoebe's an ex-felon and thinks like a criminal.


PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (The next morning. Phoebe wakes up. Phoebe's nude as usual. She gets out of bed and puts on a robe. She walks out to the family room to wake Father John. Father John isn't on the couch)

Phoebe: Typical male, he didn't even leave a note. (Phoebe goes back into her bedroom to make the bed only to find Father John sleeping) Oh great, now I'm definitely going to hell.