THE ONE WITH THE BABYSITTER
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Ross and Chandler are present)
Ross: Feeling any better Joe?
Joey: I didn't even know I was sick.
Ross (to Chandler): It has been two weeks right?
(The waitress brings Joey his water)
Waitress: Your welcome. (She goes to walk away)
Joey: Have you seen my penis?
Waitress (taking the water from Joey and pouring it over his head): Unfortunately yes and it never called me back like it promised it would.
Joey: I forgot that I'd slept with her.
Chandler: And Joey's back.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Michael, Phoebe, Rachel, Caitlin and Ben are present)
Monica (to Phoebe): Are you sure you can handle this?
Phoebe: Of course. I am an adult.
Rachel: Yes, but we're asking you to watch our children, that means you actually have to watch them. You can't fall asleep this time.
Phoebe: We'll be fine. Trust me.
Monica (to Rachel): My Mom could be here in an hour.
Phoebe: No! I'm watching these guys. Everything is going to be ok. Trust me.
Ben: Yeah Mommy, I can help Aunt Phoebe watch Michael and Caitlin.
Rachel: That's true. Ben will be here, he'll keep Phoebe in check.
Monica: Ok Pheebs. We both have our cell phones, call us if any bad happens or you need us to come home.
Rachel: And don't take them anywhere. They're to stay here.
Phoebe: We'll be fine, we're just gonna watch videos all day. Trust me.
(Rachel and Monica leave)
Ben: Did I do ok?
Phoebe: You're were perfect. Are you ready to go to Great Adventure?
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Chandler are present)
Chandler: We'd better go.
Joey: Where are we going?
Chandler: The game. We're going to the hockey game.
Joey: We're not going to the movies to see Die Another Day?
Chandler: No, we're going to see the Rangers play the Sharks.
Joey: What about Ross?
Chandler: I already told you, I only have one extra ticket. Trust me, he won't miss going to the game.
Joey: Ok. But if he gets mad at us, I'm totally blaming you.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Jenna is emerging from the bathroom dressed in only a towel. There's a knock on the door and Jenna goes to answer the door)
Jenna: Who is it?
Man: It's Ross.
Jenna (opening the door): Hey Ross! (Jenna's towel falls partially off, revealing her bare breasts)
Ross (seeing Jenna): Wow! If I wasn't married…..
Jenna (covering herself): Excuse me?
Ross: I mean, is Joey here?
Jenna: He said he was going to the game with you.
Ross: What game?
Jenna: The hockey game.
Ross: I asked Joey if he wanted to go see Die Another Day, not to some hockey game.
Jenna: I don't know what to tell you. Joey's not here.
Ross: Ok then. When you see him tell him thanks for standing me up. I'll see you later. (Ross goes to leave)
Jenna: I'll go to the movies with you if you want. I don't have anything to do today.
Ross: Are you sure?
Jenna: Sure, it'll be like a date.
Ross: God knows I haven't had one of those in a long time.
Jenna: Me neither.
Jenna: Nothing. It's just that every time Joey plans on taking me out, we never actually go out. We always wind in bed for the evening. (pause) Who knows, if you're a good date, the same thing might happen to you.
Ross: That would be something.
Jenna: I was joking.
Ross: I knew that.
GREAT ADVENTURE AMUSEMENT PARK (Phoebe, Ben, Caitlin and Michael are present)
Ben: Can I go on the roller coaster again?
Ben: Do you wanna come?
Phoebe: I can't Ben. I have to watch Michael and Caitlin.
Ben: But they're not gonna go anywhere. They're in the stroller. It's not like they can get out. They're too stupid to figure out how to do that.
Phoebe: You're a smart kid you know that? I'll just put the stroller over here. They'll be fine. Let's go on the roller coaster!
BLOOMINGDALE'S (Rachel and Monica are shopping. They're in the dressing room trying on clothes)
Monica: This doesn't feel right.
Rachel: Of course it doesn’t. It makes you look like a total slut.
Monica: What? You own this dress!
Rachel: Yes, but I'm a slut.
Monica: Anyway, this doesn't feel right. We shouldn't have left our kids with Phoebe. She's gonna do something stupid.
Rachel: Phoebe's gonna be fine.
Monica: You honestly believe that?
Rachel: It wouldn't hurt to go check on her. She might need to find the spare diapers or something.
GREAT ADVENTURE AMUSEMENT PARK (Phoebe, Ben, Caitlin and Michael are present. Phoebe and Ben have gotten off the roller coaster)
Ben: Can we go again?
Phoebe: You can. My stomach just rid itself of its breakfast. I think I'll sit this one out. I'll wait for you with Caitlin and Michael. (notices the stroller is gone) Ben?
Phoebe: Where's the stroller?
Ben: It's right over there.
Phoebe: Oh thank God! I thought someone took Michael and Caitlin. (going over to the stroller) Hello babies! Did you miss me? Do you wanna go on a ride? Ben?
Ben: Yeah Aunt Phoebe?
Phoebe: We're going to the Sky Way ride.
Ben: But Aunt Phoebe the Sky Way is boring and I'm afraid of heights!
Phoebe: You just went on a roller coaster, you're not afraid of heights.
Ben: Yes I am!
Phoebe: Tough, it's time to take Michael and Caitlin on a ride and the Sky Way is the only ride they can go on.
Ben: Can I go on the bumper cars after that?
Phoebe: Sure. You can bump to your hearts contempt.
Phoebe: Never mind. (to herself) The kid's only 8, he's not gonna get a sexual innuendo joke.
Ben: Oh, you meant like sex. Bumping. I get it.
Phoebe: Then again, he has Joey as a de-facto Uncle.
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (Joey and Chandler are at the game. The fan in front of Joey keeps on standing up, blocking Joey's view)
Joey (to Chandler): If that dude stands up again, I'm gonna kick his ass.
Chandler: Do you want to move?
Joey: It's sold out. There's no where else to sit.
Chandler: Well stand up when he stands up.
(The person in front of Joey stands up. Joey stands up)
Man (directly behind Joey): Sit down, I can't see!
Joey (turning around): Well I can't either. Do you think I'm standing for the fun of it?
Man: Hey butthole, sit down before I re-arrange your face!
Chandler: Don't do it Joey. It's not worth it.
Joey: But he called me a butthole!
Joey: He hurt my feelings.
Chandler: Well talk to the person in front of you and ask him to sit down.
Joey (tapping on the shoulder of the person in front of him): Excuse me?
(The person turns around, it's not a man, it's a woman)
Woman: What do you want?
Joey: Ah, ah, ah, ma'am, could you please sit down? I can't see when you stand up.
Woman: So? Do you think I care?
Joey: Come on lady, just sit down.
Woman: Make me.
Woman: I said make me.
Joey (to Chandler) What do I do now?
Woman: Sure, ask your life partner. I'm sure he'll know what to do.
Chandler: I say you slug her.
Joey: But she's a woman!
Chandler: Yes, but she's the ugliest woman on the planet. If you re-arrange her face, it'll make the world a better place.
UNITED ARTISTS CINEMAS (Ross and Jenna are present)
Jenna (whispering): I'm sorry that Die Another Day was sold out.
Ross (whispering): It's ok. I heard that The Ring was good too.
Jenna: Is it scary?
Ross: I don't think so.
(cut to forty five minutes later)
Jenna (burying her head in Ross' shoulder): I can't watch!
Ross: Ew gross!
Jenna: What happened? What happened?
Ross: The Dad just electrocuted himself in the bathtub. You can look now, the scene's finished. (looks at Jenna) Are you ok? You're all pale.
Jenna: I'm just a little light-headed.
Ross: Do you need to go?
Jenna: No, no, I'm fine. Aren't there any sex scenes in this movie?
Ross: I don't think so.
Jenna: Darn. I like to get all hot and bothered before my date takes me home.
Ross: We could stop by Mitchell Brothers before we go home. There's plenty of nudity there.
Jenna: You don't seem to be the Mitchell Brothers type. You've really been there?
Ross: You caught me. But Joey's told me all about it. According to him, if you wanna be turned on, Mitchell Brothers is the place to go.
Jenna (rubbing Ross' arm): Then I guess maybe we should go there.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Outside of the door. Rachel and Monica have come home to check on Phoebe)
Monica: It's quiet.
Rachel: They're probably all taking a nap.
Monica: Phoebe's not supposed to be taking a nap!
Rachel: Would you hurry up and open the friggin door?
(Monica and Rachel enter)
Monica: Phoebe, it's Monica and Rachel. We finished shopping early.
Rachel: She's not here.
Monica: But she has to be here. We told her to stay here!
Rachel: I know that! But when does Phoebe ever listen to either of us!
Monica: I knew I shouldn't have let you talk me into letting Phoebe baby sit my baby!
Rachel: You're blaming me? It was your stupid idea to ask her in the first place!
Monica: We have to find her. Once we find her, we're gonna take her down to the alley and shoot her.
Rachel: Where're we gonna get the gun?
Monica: This is New York City. There's a gun store on every corner right next to a day care center.
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (Joey and Chandler are present. Joey is sitting sulking in his chair)
Chandler: Do you just wanna go? This game is a rout anyway.
Joey: Sure, it's not like I've seen any of it anyway.
Chandler: I'm getting her to sit down.
Joey: Forget about it.
Joey: You're gonna get your ass kicked.
Chandler: She's a woman! (tapping the woman on the shoulder) Miss, could you please sit down so my friend can see?
Woman: Sorry, I can't do that.
Chandler: Why not?
Woman: Because I don't feel like it.
Chandler: So you're not gonna sit down?
Chandler (pushing the woman): Sit down!
Woman: Don't push me!
Chandler: Sit your fat ass down!
Woman: I'm warning you!
Chandler: What are you gonna do? Sit on me?
Joey: I'll handle this Chandler. (to the woman) Sit your ugly ass down!
Woman: Did you just call me ugly?!
Joey: Yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
Woman: I don't know how about this? (punches Joey in the nose)
Joey (stunned): You bitch! (he hits her back, decking the woman)
Man (directly behind Joey): You're dead! You hit my wife! (The man hits Joey in the face, knocking him off his feet)
Chandler: Yo buddy!
(Chandler slugs the guy in the face, knocking him out cold)
Chandler: There, now you're as ugly as your wife! (to Joey) Are you ok?
Joey (blood streaming from his nose): I think my nose is busted.
Chandler: And to think you wanted to go to the movies with Ross. Where else could you get your nose busted by a woman?
Joey: Thanks for pointing that out. What's the deal with your hand?
Chandler: I think that guy had a steel plate in his head.
Chandler: I think I busted my hand.
PHOEBE'S CAR (Phoebe, Ben, Michael and Caitlin are on their way home from Great Adventure. Ben's cell phone rings)
Phoebe: What are you doing with a cell phone? I don't even have a cell phone!
Ben: My Mom got it for me in case I got into trouble.
Phoebe: Why would you get in trouble?
Ben: She told me to carry it with me whenever I was with you. (answering the phone) Hello? (pause) Hey Mom! (pause) We went to the amusement park. (pause) Sure, she's right here. (to Phoebe) Mommy wants to speak to you. (hands Phoebe the phone)
Rachel (from Monica's flat): Where in the hell are you?
Phoebe: I'm on the Expressway heading back into the City.
Rachel: We told you not to take the kids out!
Phoebe: I know, I know.
Rachel: Then why did you?
Phoebe: Because we were bored.
Rachel: Monica and I were only gone for an hour! How could you be bored?
Phoebe: You were checking in on me! I can't believe you!
Rachel: Phoebe! Why'd you take the kids out?!
Phoebe: I'm sorry. There was nothing to do at Monica's.
Rachel: What happened to the videos that you were going to watch with the kids?
Phoebe: They said they had seen them.
Rachel: Ok, Michael can't talk and Caitlin only knows a couple of words. Now why did you take the kids to an amusement park?!
Phoebe (looking down to pick up Michael's pacifier): I don't know!
Rachel: You're fired! You're never allowed to watch our kids again!
Ben: Aunt Phoebe watch out!
Phoebe: Oh sh^t!
(Phoebe slams into a stopped car in front of her)
Rachel: Phoebe? Phoebe? Are you still there? (to Monica) I think something bad just happened.
UNITED ARTISTS CINEMAS (Ross and Jenna are present. The movie has ended. Jenna is asleep)
Ross: Wow, that was one scary movie. Ready to go Jenna? (noticing Jenna's asleep) Jenna? (shaking Jenna) Jenna? Jenna, the movie is over. (checking to see if she's breathing) Jenna, wake up! Oh crap!
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM (Joey and Chandler are present)
Joey (to the receptionist): Hi there, we need to be seen.
Receptionist: Really, I thought you were just here for the fun of it. What happened to you? Did you get in a fight?
Chandler: Yes. Yes we did. My friend here has a broken nose and I have a busted hand.
Receptionist: You're Chandler Bing aren't you?
Receptionist: I'll tell the Doctor that you're back. Just have a seat over there.
Joey: You weren't kidding, they really know you by name here.
Chandler: Hey, at least I wasn't beaten up by a girl.
(cut to the Ambulance bay)
Doctor: What do we have?
Paramedic: We have a white female who collapsed in a movie theater. According to her friend, she's pregnant.
Doctor: Take her to curtain two. (to Ross) Is this your wife?
Ross: No. She's my friend's fiancee.
Doctor: Did you get her pregnant?
Ross: No! I'm married!
Doctor: That still doesn't mean that you couldn't have gotten her pregnant.
Ross: Are you gonna treat my friend or am I gonna have to kick your ass?
(Cut to the Ambulance bay)
Doctor: Give me the bullet.
Paramedic: We have a car accident victim. White female, 33 years of age, broken right ankle, moderate seat belt bruise to the sternum. IV fluid administered en route. Another ambulance following with three children who were also in the car.
Doctor: Are the children seriously injured?
Paramedic: Minor lacerations, nothing serious.
Doctor: Curtain three. (to the Nurse) Get complete labs, a portable chest and call radiology.
(cut to the reception area - it's an hour later - Monica and Rachel have arrived)
Monica (to the receptionist): Hi, my name is Monica Bing and this is my friend Rachel Geller. The hospital called to tell us that our children were brought here by an ambulance after a car accident. Where are they?
Receptionist: Who are you?
Rachel: Their mothers.
Receptionist: You're a lesbian couple?
Monica: No! Look lady, tell us where are children are before I shove my cell phone up your….
Rachel: What my friend is trying to say is where can we find our children?
Receptionist: They're still in the emergency department. Ask for Dr. Weaver, she'll bring you to your children.
Rachel: Thank you.
(cut to the Emergency Department - Ross is sitting in the waiting room waiting to hear news on Jenna. Chandler, with a cast on his hand and Joey, with a face shield on, emerge from their rooms and happen upon Ross)
Chandler: What are you doing here?
Ross: I could ask you the same thing.
Chandler: I asked you first.
Ross: Jenna was brought here after she collapsed at the movies.
Joey (not registering what Ross has said): Ok, but that still doesn't explain why you're here.
Ross: Did you hear what I said?
Joey: Yeah, Jenna was brought here after she collapsed at the movies. My God! You took my fiancée out on a date!
Chandler: Why is Jenna here at the hospital?
Joey: What? Have you not been listening to Ross? He said that she's here because she collapsed at the movies.
Chandler: And that doesn't concern you?
Joey: Sure it does. But let me ask you this, wouldn't you be upset if Ross took your wife to the movies?
Chandler: Maybe if we were in Appalachia.
Ross: Joey you idiot, you're fiancée is in the hospital!
Joey: Oh my God! Jenna! (Joey runs off)
Ross (to Chandler): What happened to you?
Chandler: I decked a guy with a steel plate in his head at the hockey game.
Ross: What happened to Joey?
Chandler: He got his ass kicked by the ugliest amazon woman on the planet.
Ross: Joey lost a fight to a woman?
Chandler: Not really, she hit him on the nose and then he decked her. That's when I got involved.
Ross: So you jumped in to beat the crap out of the woman after she had been knocked out.
Chandler: No, the guy behind us was her husband. He hit Joey and then I decked him and broke my hand on his face.
Ross: Yeah right. You probably broke your hand tripping over your seat.
Chandler: I wonder how much it would hurt someone if I hit them with my cast.
(Rachel and Monica enter the waiting room and see Ross and Chandler)
Rachel: Is this our new hangout?
Monica: What are you guys doing here?
Ross: The long version or the short one?
Rachel: Knowing you, we better take the short version or we'll be here until next Monday.
Ross: It's a good thing we're in the Emergency Room, you're gonna need it.
Ross: Let's see, I'm here because Jenna collapsed at the movies. Chandler and Joey got into a fight at the hockey game, which I wasn't invited to I might add, and now it's your turn. Why are you guys here?
Rachel: Phoebe was in a car accident.
Ross: I thought Phoebe was watching the kids today.
Rachel: They're here too.
Chandler: I told you never to let Phoebe watch your children.
Monica: Michael was with Phoebe.
Chandler: You let Phoebe watch Michael? Are you insane? How irresponsible can you be?
Monica: How'd you break your hand?
Chandler: This isn't about me!
Ross: Are the kids ok?
Rachel: They're fine. Phoebe got it pretty bad though.
Chandler: Serves her right.
(cut to Jenna's room. Joey is speaking with the Doctor)
Doctor: She's gonna be fine. Her blood sugar just dropped and that's pretty common during pregnancy. She just needs to make sure that she eats and doesn't miss any meals.
Joey: Can she go home?
Doctor: Yeah. We'll discharge her in an hour.
Joey: Thanks Doc.
Doctor: You're welcome. (pause) Hey, aren't you the guy who went over Niagra Falls in a barrel a couple of weeks ago?
Joey (proud): Yeah.
Doctor: Did they give you your brain back yet?
Joey: Someone took my brain?
Doctor: Either that or your just incredibly stupid.
(cut to Ross, Rachel, Monica and Chandler and the kids. They're in Phoebe's room. Phoebe is asleep)
Ben: Is Aunt Phoebe gonna be ok?
Ross: Aunt Phoebe is gonna be fine.
Rachel: At least until she gets out of the hospital. Then Mommy's gonna send her right back.
Phoebe (waking up): Where am I?
Chandler: You're in the magical land of Narnia.
Phoebe: Wow, it's totally different than what I thought it'd be like.
Monica: You're in the hospital Phoebe.
Phoebe: I am?
Monica: You were in a car accident.
Phoebe: Is my car ok?
Monica (to Rachel): Can you believe this? She wants to know if her car is ok.
Phoebe: Why does my ankle hurt so badly?
Ross: You broke it in the accident.
Phoebe: Are the children ok?
Chandler: They're fine. They only had some scratches.
Rachel: Which is less then what you're gonna get when you finally get to go home.
Rachel: You don't seem too concerned that she could've killed your children.
Ross: I'm concerned, but now is not the time.
Joey: Hey, I just found out that Phoebe's here. She was in some kind of car accident. Have you seen her?
Chandler: No, as a matter of fact we haven't seen Phoebe. We're just visiting her twin sister Ursula.
Joey: Oh. (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doing Ursula?
Phoebe: I'm Phoebe you idiot!
Joey (to Chandler): Wow, Ursula must have a serious concussion, she thinks she's Phoebe.
Rachel: Joey, that is Phoebe.
Joey: Oh. How you doing Pheebs?
Phoebe: I've been better.
Joey: How's the car?
Monica (throwing up her arms): These two are meant for each other.
Chandler: True, but thankfully it didn't work out. Between her irresponsibility and his stupidity, their children would've caused the President of the United States to keep the armed services on high alert at all times.
Ross: Well we better get Ben and Caitlin home. It's been a long day.
Monica: Yeah, we'd better get Michael home too. Let's go Chandler.
Phoebe: Monica, Rachel, can I speak to you guys in private for a minute?
Rachel: Just get some rest Phoebe. We'll kill you later.
Chandler: Hey Pheebs, if it'll make you feel any better, Joey got his ass kicked by a woman today.
Phoebe (laughing): Piss Monica off one too many times Joe?
(Ross, Joey and Chandler leave)
Phoebe: Monica, Rachel, I know you're extremely upset with me right now.
Rachel: That doesn't even begin to describe how I feel Phoebe.
Monica: Would you let her finish?
Rachel: You're defending her?
Monica: No, I just want to her what she has to say before we smother her to death with her pillows.
Phoebe: Look, all I have to say is that I'm extremely sorry. I would never do anything to endanger your children's lives, at least not on purpose. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't forgive me either. I know that what I did was totally irresponsible and I have no excuse, but all I was trying to do was give your kids a chance to have some fun with their Aunt Phoebe. If you had been there to see Ben's face when he got off the roller coaster, or Michael and Caitlin's face when the clown made them an animal balloon, you'd see why I took them to the amusement park. Everything was great, at least until I hit that stopped car. All I could think of in the ambulance, besides how much my ankle was killing me, was how you guys were gonna kill me. So I came up with a way. If you go back to my apartment, you'll find a .44 Magnum in my underwear drawer. That should put me out of my misery right away. (pause) Oh, and for what's it worth, I love you guys.
Rachel: Ok. (to Monica) You stay here, I'll go get the gun.
Rachel: I was kidding. I can't believe I'm gonna say this. (to Phoebe) It's ok Phoebe. You made a mistake, a very bad one, but a mistake nonetheless. I forgive you. I love you too.
Monica: Yeah Pheebs, it's ok. Thanks for babysitting.
Phoebe: So I can still baby sit?
Rachel: Let me put it this way, you'll get to baby sit again when they get that bullet out of your forehead.
Phoebe: But I don't have a bullet in my forehead.
Rachel: You will if I ever catch you trying to baby sit Ben and Caitlin again.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are in bed)
Joey: So you're not mad at me?
Jenna: Why would I be mad at you?
Joey: Because I wasn't there for you.
Jenna: Yeah, I know that. But I didn't know that I was gonna collapse at the movie theater. There was no reason to believe that you knew that was gonna happen.
Jenna: Besides, I had a lot of fun with Ross. I'm just sorry that we didn't get a chance to go to Mitchell Brothers after the movie was over.
Joey: Why were you gonna go to Mitchell Brothers?
Jenna: You know how I like to be turned on before I bring my date home for some loving.
Joey: Right, I can't believe I forgot that.
Joey: Goodnight. (realizing what Jenna actually was implying) What?!