THE ONE WITH THE BATTLE FOR PHOEBE
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Jenna, Chandler, Monica and Michael are present)
Chandler: He really went over Niagra Falls in a barrel?
Jenna: Yeah, he really did.
Monica: And he didn't hurt himself?
Jenna: It's hard to tell. Joey's naturally stupid so it's hard to test his brain function.
Joey: It's in the papers! It's in the papers!
Chandler: What? We finally invaded Iraq?
Joey: What's Iraq? (pause) No, I'm in the paper!
Monica: Let me see. (takes the paper from Joey and reading out loud) "Greenwich Village man Joey Tribbiani, despondent and depressed because he found out that he was not the father of international movie star Jennifer Aniston's unborn baby, went over Niagra Falls in a barrel late last evening in a suicide attempt. Thankfully, Mr. Tribbiani's attempt was unsuccessful".
Joey: See, my name is in the paper! I'm famous!
Monica: Joey, the paper reported that you were trying to kill yourself!
Joey: So? Do you see your name in the paper? I'm framing this article on my wall! I'm in the paper!
Chandler: Why is the paper reporting that Joey tried to kill himself because he found out that he wasn't the father of Jennifer's unborn baby?
Jenna: That's what Jennifer told the cops so they wouldn't arrest Joey.
Chandler: I wish I had that kind of life, a life where my star power could get people out of trouble.
Monica: Why don't we just concentrate on getting a life honey.
TOYS R US (Chandler is in his office working. Phoebe enters)
Chandler: You're late.
Phoebe: Good morning to you too.
Chandler: I'm sorry. Good morning, you're a half an hour late.
Phoebe: Sorry. I overslept.
Chandler: That's it? That's your excuse?
Phoebe: Well that's the truth. What was I supposed to do? Lie?
Chandler: For starters, yes.
Phoebe: I'm sorry. I was late because I was mugged on my way to work.
Chandler: That's a little better.
Phoebe: Don't you wanna know how I am?
Phoebe: Because I was mugged on my way to work!
Chandler: But that didn't happen!
Phoebe: It could of.
Chandler: And you could've been on time. Why'd you oversleep?
Phoebe: I've just been really tired lately. I work here all day and then I go to work with Monica at night. I'm exhausted.
Chandler: Then I guess you should stop working with Monica.
Phoebe: I can't do that. I'm her business partner.
Chandler: Then you should quit here.
Phoebe: I can't do that either. You're paying me a lot of money to sit around all day and do nothing. Plus, I think Anthony in the mail room has the hots for me.
Chandler: Anthony's gay.
Phoebe: Why do I always attract the gay ones?
Chandler: You're asking me? I have the same problem.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Monica and Joey are present)
Joey (to Ross): Don't you have kids?
Ross: I have two of them.
Joey: Who are they again?
Ross: Ben's almost nine and Caitlin is one.
Joey: Shouldn't they be with you right now?
Ross: One is at school and the other is with my Mom.
Joey: Caitlin's old enough to go to school?
Ross: Yes and she's already taking Calculus.
Rachel: Are you sure you're medically ok Joey?
Joey: I'm fine, never felt better.
Monica: Then why are you here? Don't you need to be at the set?
Joey: The set?
Monica: Your job, your acting job?
Joey: I'm an actor?
Rachel: Not really, but that's what you call yourself.
Joey: I guess I better get to the set. (Joey goes to leave then turns around) Where do I work again?
Monica: You work on the soap opera General Hospital. At least for the next two weeks.
Joey: Thanks. I'll see you guys later.
Rachel: I think Joey's not all there. I think that barrel trip over the falls knocked a few screws loose.
Ross: Which is saying something because Joey never had many screws to begin with.
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is talking with Julie, his office mate)
Ross: How's Eric?
Julie: He went back to his wife.
Julie: It's ok, I was gonna dump him anyway.
Ross: I guess I'm a day late.
Ross: Rachel and I were gonna have you and Eric over for dinner.
Julie: Really? I thought Rachel hates me.
Ross: She does. We had a big fight and I told her that I was having you guys over for dinner. You know, kind of as a punishment.
Julie: I really don't think you should be punishing me. I didn't do anything to you.
(Ross' phone rings)
Ross (answering the phone): Dr. Geller. (pause) Hey Rach, I was just talking about you. (pause) I don't think that's a good idea. (pause) No, that's why God invented bedrooms. (pause) You're wearing what? (pause) I'll be right there. (hangs up the phone)
Julie: What was that all about?
Ross: The mini-fridge is busted in Rachel's office and she wants me to come fix it. I'll see you later. (Ross goes to leave)
Julie: Hey Ross….
Julie: Tell Rachel good luck on conceiving.
THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Joey is watching a scene. An assistant director comes up to him)
Assistant Director: Joey? (no answer) Joey?
Assistant Director: You're up next. We need you to report to wardrobe.
Joey: What's the matter with the clothes that I'm wearing?
Assistant Director: Well for one, you don't look like a Doctor.
Joey: I'm not supposed to look like a Doctor. I'm an actor.
Assistant Director: An actor that plays a Doctor. What's the matter with you?
Joey: How can I be a Doctor if I'm an actor? That makes no sense.
Assistant Director (frustrated): Would you please just report to wardrobe? They're almost ready for you.
Joey: They will give me back my clothes right?
VICTORIA'S SECRET (Rachel is pacing in her office. Ross enters)
Rachel: Where have you been?! Can't you see I'm a woman in heat?!
Ross: I guess I should just call the Chancellor and tell him to move the University closer to your building.
Rachel: Very funny. Take off your clothes.
Rachel: Take off your clothes.
Ross: You wanna have sex here?
Rachel: No, I want to give you a rectal exam. Of course I want to have sex right here. I'm ovulating, it's time to sow the seeds of love.
Ross: I totally love that song.
Ross: Tears for Fears, you know, Sowing the Seeds of Love.
Rachel: How gay are you?
Ross: Forget it. I'm not taking off my clothes.
Rachel: Take off your clothes!
Rachel: Fine. I'll be right back.
Ross: Where're you going?
Rachel: You're gonna take off those clothes.
Ross: What are you gonna do? Get security?
Rachel: Maybe. (Rachel leaves her office)
Ross: What the hell is the matter with me? I'm refusing to have sex with my wife!
MICHAEL'S PLACE (Monica is working in the kitchen. Phoebe enters)
Monica: Where the hell have you been?! You were supposed to be here an hour ago! We haven't had a hostess for an hour! Jessica's been out there trying to act like one and she keeps scaring the guests away!
Phoebe: Ok, I said hello. Could you at least say hello to me first?
Monica: You're right. That was rude. Hello. Now where the hell have you been?!
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Chandler needed me to stay late to take some dictation.
Monica: And you listened to him?!
Phoebe: Well he is my boss.
Monica: I don't care! If you say you're gonna be here at a certain time, I expect to see you at that time!
Phoebe: Well what am I supposed to do? I couldn't just leave Chandler. He needed my help.
Monica: Look, I know Chandler's incapable of helping himself, I am married to him after all. But I need you here to run the business side of our restaurant.
Phoebe: But Chandler needs me too.
Monica: I got a solution. Quit working for Chandler. Who's more important? Chandler or me?
Phoebe: Can I have some time to think about that?
THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Joey is shooting his scene. Or at least he's trying)
Joey (in character): Mr. Mendoza, you have a tumor on your cerebellum. No other Doctor in the world would try what you're asking me to do. But in the interests of science, I must undertake your case.
Mr. Mendoza: What are you going to do Dr. Greco?
Joey: I'm going to open your skull and take out the tumor with a precision guided laser.
Mr. Mendoza: Will it be painful?
Joey: How the hell should I know? I'm just an actor! You really think I know what I'm talking about?
Director: Cut! Joey, what the heck was that?
Joey: What? What was what?
Director: You totally killed the scene.
Joey: We were doing a scene?
Joey: You mean I'm not really a Doctor?
Director: Everyone, take five. (to Joey) Are you ok? Did you hit your head?
Joey: I'm fine. I feel a little confused, I mean, how can someone be an actor and a Doctor all at the same time?
VICTORIA'S SECRET (Ross is looking out Rachel's office window as Rachel enters)
Rachel: Why do you still have your clothes on?
Ross (turning around): Because….My God! Rachel! You're completely naked!
Rachel: That's not entirely true, this trench coat counts as clothes. Now strip!
Ross: I'm not having sex with you in your office. We could get caught.
Rachel: Highly doubtful. After all, it only takes you two minutes anyway.
Ross: I'm definitely not taking my clothes off now.
Rachel: But I'm ovulating!
Ross: Well I have a rash on my, my thing, and I don't want to infect you.
Rachel: You do not have a rash on your thing.
Ross: Yes I do!
Rachel: You do not. I saw you measuring it this morning when you were in the shower. The only thing you have is penis envy.
Ross: That hurt.
Rachel: Not as much as this lamp across the side of your head will if you don't take your clothes off this instant!
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Chandler is watching TV and Michael's in bed. Monica enters)
Chandler: Hey Mon. How was tonight?
Monica: It was fine. Goodnight.
Chandler: You're going to bed?
Monica: That's usually what one means when they say goodnight.
Chandler: Oh. I thought you'd might want to lie on the couch with me. I could rub your feet.
Monica: I don't think so.
Chandler: Ok. What did I do? Is this about me forgetting to feed Michael his dinner?
Monica: You didn't feed Michael?
Chandler: Well I did tonight. I thought you found out about yesterday. But obviously you didn’t, so goodnight.
Monica: You're really unbelievable, you know that?
Chandler: Well I do take pride in my performance in the bedroom.
Monica: No you moron! You stole Phoebe from me!
Chandler: I did nothing of the sort!
Monica: Uh huh! You just had to go and give her a full-time job as your secretary! You don't even need a full-time secretary! You don't even work when you're at work!
Chandler (to himself): I'm gonna kill Phoebe. (to Monica) Phoebe's happy working for me. All she does all day is complain that she has to go spend her evenings with you at the restaurant! According to her, she might as well just work for Satan!
Monica: Take that back!
Chandler: I'm sorry, are the fires of hell getting to you?
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Joey has been brought to the hospital by one of General Hospital's producers)
Producer (to the receptionist): Hi, I'm Johnna. I called here earlier about one of my actors having memory trouble.
Receptionist: I have no idea what you're talking about. My shift just started.
Jacqueline: Look, I need a Doctor to examine my employee. I think he's suffering from a brain disorder.
Joey: Hey, in that case, I can examine myself. After all, I am a Neurosurgeon.
Johnna: Do you see what I mean?
Receptionist (looking at Joey): Wait a minute. Isn't that the guy who went over Niagra Falls in a barrel?
Johnna: Unfortunately, yes.
Receptionist: Wow! Joseph Tribbiani in the flesh! I'm a big fan of his.
Joey: My name is Ross. Dr. Ross Greco.
Johnna: Joey, that's your stage name. Your real name is Joseph Francis Tribbiani.
Joey: How can that be? How can I have two names? And who the hell is Francis?
Johnna (to the receptionist): Could you see that we're seen immediately?
VICTORIA'S SECRET (Rachel has succeeded in getting to take off his clothes. They're going at it on Rachel's desk.)
Rachel: What? What's wrong?
Ross: I think I just stapled my ass.
(Outside of Rachel's office. Katie, Rachel's boss is escorting a group of business women around the office)
Katie: And this is Rachel Geller's office, our Executive Vice President in charge of our Retail Division. Rachel has been with us for nearly two years now. She's an excellent employee and an excellent executive. She runs a very tight ship and produces excellent results. (opens the door to Rachel's office and finds Ross and Rachel going at it) Rachel! (Ross and Rachel fall off the desk to the floor)
Ross (to Rachel): You didn't lock to door!
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica and Michael are present. They're not talking to each other)
Chandler: Michael, tell Mommy to pass the cream.
Monica: Michael, tell Daddy that Mommy said go to hell.
Monica: Hey Pheebs.
Chandler: Sure, you'll speak to her.
Monica: Well she doesn't have horns coming out of her head.
Chandler: Hey, you're the one with the tail and the pitchfork. I only have horns because I'm married to the devil.
Phoebe: What the hell is going on here? Why are you two mad at each other?
Chandler: Luciferina over there wants your soul.
Monica: You stole her soul first!
Phoebe: Ok, for one, my soul only belongs to me. The last time I sold it I wound getting burned at the stake in Salem. I'm not selling my soul ever again, unless of course Elton John suddenly becomes available.
Chandler: Elton John is gay.
Phoebe: You would know. Now what's going on?
Chandler: Go ahead Luciferina.
Monica: You call me that one more time and I'm going out to buy a pitchfork and then shove it up your…..
Phoebe (interrupting): Please, he already sticks enough things up there. What's going on?
Monica: You have to decide who you want to work for, me or Chandler?
Phoebe: It's not who, it's whom. It's whom you want to work for.
Phoebe: That's what you guys are fighting about? You're fighting over me?
Chandler: I'm not fighting over you. I'm merely looking out for your best interests. I think you're an excellent Executive Assistant and I don't want to let you go.
Phoebe: Ok, score one for Chandler. You're turn Monica.
Monica: Your breasts bring in a lot of business at the restaurant and if I lose you, we'll lose customers.
Chandler: That's no fair! I can't play the breasts card! If I said I wanted Phoebe to stay because she had nice breasts, you'd kick my ass!
Phoebe: You could've played the nice pubic hair card.
Monica: He's seen your pubic hair?! Let the ass kicking begin!
Chandler: I didn't see her pubic hair!
Phoebe: He didn't, at least not the real deal, only a Polaroid of it.
Monica: What are you doing showing my husband a picture of your pubic hair?! (notices the whole coffeehouse staring at her) Go back to drinking your coffee and stop eavesdropping!
Gunther: Ah Monica, this is a family establishment. There will be no talking about pubic hair in this place.
Monica: Sorry. I won't talk about the hair on your head anymore.
Gunther (to Chandler): She really is the devil.
Phoebe: Ok Monica, it's two to one in favor of Chandler. What's your next compliment?
Monica: I need you at the restaurant because, because, because….damn it!
Phoebe: Ok Chandler, you win! You've bought my soul. That'll be $5 million.
Monica: No! Don't sell your soul to him! He'll just take your soul and play with it. I'll massage your soul, I'll make it grow. I'll make it reach the heavens above us.
Chandler: I'd be careful there Phoebe. That's mighty talk coming from the Princess of Darkness.
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Joey is being examined by a Doctor. Johnna from General Hospital is with him. The doctor is looking in Joey's ear)
Joey: If you can see through to the other side, I don't want to know.
Doctor: Excuse me?
Joey: You know, if there's really nothing in there, I don't want to know. I promised the aliens that I wouldn't rat them out.
Joey: Yeah, they visited me in my barrel after I went over Niagra Falls. They told me that the trip over the falls knocked the sense out of me.
Doctor (to Johnna): Can I see you outside for a moment?
(The Doctor and Johnna leave. A nurse comes in to retrieve Joey's chart)
Joey: Excuse me Nurse? Have you seen my penis?
Nurse: Excuse me?
Joey: Have you seen my penis?
Nurse: I assure you Mr. Tribbiani, your penis is still attached to your body.
Joey: So you have seen it. It's pretty impressive don't you think?
(cut to the Doctor and Johnna)
Johnna: Is he ok?
Doctor: He has a major concussion. Quite frankly, I'm surprised that he can function as well as he is.
Johnna: Really? I don't see that much difference in him. Except of course for the inability to reason and make any sense. Then again, that's how he normally is anyway.
Doctor: He needs rest and shouldn't take part in any strenuous activities for two weeks. He also shouldn't work. Oh, and she be left alone.
Johnna: He lives with his fiance. I'll make sure I tell her what you told me. Thanks a lot.
(The Nurse emerges from Joey's room)
Nurse: Here's his chart Doctor. Don't you ever make me go in there again.
Doctor: What happened?
Nurse: He asked me if I had seen his penis.
Johnna: That sounds like Joey.
VICTORIA'S SECRET (Rachel has been summoned to her boss' office)
Katie: I don't know where to begin. Do you know how disappointed I am in you?
Rachel: Yes ma'am.
Katie: Don't call me ma'am.
Rachel: Yes Katie.
Katie: Don't call me Katie either.
Rachel: What should I call you?
Katie: Just sit there and be quiet.
Katie: Is that being quiet? (pause) Did you not get my memo about the new board of directors touring the executive offices today? (Rachel doesn't answer) Well?
Rachel: You told me not to speak.
Katie: Answer the damn question!
Rachel: I didn’t get the memo.
Katie: Of course not. It's probably stapled to your husband's bare ass.
Rachel: Katie, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen.
Katie: You know, if I didn't like you so much and didn't think you were a valuable part of this company, I'd boot your ass to the street.
Rachel: You're not gonna fire me?
Katie: Well if I did I'd look like a complete hypocrite. You're not the first executive to get caught with her pants down.
Katie: Two weeks my boyfriend, I mean my husband and I got caught having sex in my office. Of course we waited until everyone else had left, but the janitor still got an eyeful. That mistake has cost me a lot.
Rachel: Your marriage?
Katie: God no. My husband could give a rat's ass that I was cheating on him. I had to pay the janitor $20,000 to keep his mouth shut so the entire executive staff wouldn't find out about it.
Rachel: So it was you! I mean, I had heard a rumor about that happening.
Katie: Apparently my bribe didn't go very far.
Rachel: I really am sorry Katie. It's just that I'm ovulating and today was the prime day to conceive. I didn't think I'd get caught with my pants down. I mean, my husband usually only lasts two minutes, I thought the odds were in my favor.
Katie: Why didn’t you at least lock the door?
Rachel: We have locks on our door?
Katie: Anyway, if you do it again, you're fired. Do you understand?
Rachel: Yes. Thanks for being so understanding.
Katie: Now go home and have sex with your husband.
Rachel: I don't think that's gonna happen. After what happened, I'll be lucky to see him naked in the next month.
Katie: I seriously doubt that. He is a man after all.
Rachel: You'd think. Thanks again. (Rachel goes to leave)
Katie: Rachel, remember, if you…..
Rachel: Do it again, I'm fired.
Katie: No, I was gonna say make sure you lock the door next time.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Johnna has brought Joey home to Jenna)
Jenna: He has a concussion?
Johnna: It's either that or Post Stupidity Disorder.
Jenna: I guess it could be either one.
Johnna: The Doctor said to make sure that he gets plenty of rest and doesn't participate in any strenuous activities over the next two weeks.
Jenna: Thanks for taking care of him today.
Johnna: Don't worry about it. As long as he's ok, that's all that matters. I'll see you guys later.
Joey: How you doin?
Jenna: You've outdone yourself this time mister. You take that stupid plunge over Niagra Falls and all you get for your effort is a major concussion.
Joey: Hey, I got visited by aliens too, that counts for something.
Jenna: You really scare me sometimes.
Joey: Speaking of something scary, have you seen my penis?
Jenna: Too many times, too many times.
Joey: It's pretty huge eh?
Jenna: Well it's bigger than your brain. (Joey starts laughing) That was an insult you idiot.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Chandler, Michael and Phoebe are present. No one is talking. After two minutes, Phoebe finally speaks)
Phoebe: I got it!
Chandler: Well that's why they invented penicillin. If you got it, penicillin can cure it.
Monica: You're gonna give your soul to Mr. Bad Joke over here?
Chandler: Well that's better than giving it to the Wicked Witch of the East.
Phoebe: Stop! Just stop it! (pause) I've come up with a game to decide who gets my services!
Monica: What's the game called?
Phoebe: The Battle for Phoebe!
Chandler: Do Monica and I get to put on boxing gloves and beat the crap out of one another?
Phoebe: Ah, no.
Monica: That’s a good thing Chandler. I'd kick your ass all the way to California.
Chandler: How is that possible? You don't even know how to read a map!
Phoebe: Cut it out! Do you wanna play or not?
Phoebe: Ok. I'm going to ask each of you five questions that have to do with my life's history.
Monica: Which life? You've said that you've had many.
Phoebe: True. (pause) No, no, only questions about my current life. The first one who gets five right wins. Who wants to go first?
Monica: I do!
Chandler: No way! I want to go first!
Monica: Just like in the bedroom. You're always a selfish bastard. Let him go first Phoebe, I still kick his ass.
Phoebe: It's amazing to me that you two are still married.
Chandler: The game Phoebe! The game!
Phoebe: Ok. Chandler, what is my dead beat dad's first name?
Phoebe: Correct. Monica, which past boyfriend's name of mine is tattooed on my butt?
Phoebe: Correct. Chandler, what's my favorite sexual position?
Chandler: Doggie style.
Monica: How do you even know that? I don't even know that!
Chandler: Joey has a big mouth.
Phoebe: Monica, in what year did my Mom kill herself?
Monica: When you were 16!
Phoebe: And what year was that?
Monica: How old are you now?
Chandler: No way! She doesn't know! She got the question wrong!
Phoebe: I'm afraid he's right. Ok, so far the score is Chandler 2, Monica 1. Chandler, at what age did I lose my virginity?
Phoebe: Geez, I may be a slut but give me a little credit! That answer is wrong, I was 13.
Chandler: Yeah, that extra year makes you less of a slut.
Phoebe: Monica, what is my Birth Mom's name?
Monica: Phoebe Sr.!
Phoebe: Chandler, what kind of car do I currently own?
Chandler: A Dodge Viper!
Phoebe: Monica, who sold me the Dodge Viper?
Monica: David, David, ah…..
Phoebe: Three seconds.
Monica: David Lee Roth!
Phoebe: Chandler, who is Phoebe's best friend?
Monica: What? I thought Rachel and I were your best friends.
Phoebe: You thought wrong. Monica, true or false, I slept with Chandler's boss' daughter.
Monica: Ah, I don't know. Ah, true!
Chandler: You, you slept with another woman?
Phoebe: Sure, why not? It's not like I don't know a female's anatomy. I am a woman after all. Ok, that's four to four. It all comes down to these final two questions. I have saved the toughest questions for last. Are you guys ready?
Chandler: I'm ready.
Monica: Can I go pee first?
Phoebe: No. You may not.
Monica: But I really have to go.
Phoebe: Then go in your pants.
Chandler: Yeah Mon, you have practice at that. Hell, you even know how to wet the bed.
Monica: Hey! I had an unborn child pushing down on my bladder that night!
Chandler: You were two weeks pregnant!
Phoebe: Are you guys done? (Monica and Chandler nod yes) Chandler, why was Mitch swimming in the East River in November?
Phoebe: Why was Mitch swimming in the East River in November?
Monica: He's never gonna get it. I'm gonna win. I'm gonna win.
Chandler: Keep it up and you'll be swimming in the East River and this time the Coast Guard won't mistake you for a beached whale.
Phoebe: You have five seconds Chandler.
Chandler: I don't know! I don't know!
Phoebe: Guess! Three, two, one….
Chandler: Because he did it on a dare from you!
Phoebe: I'm sorry. That's incorrect.
Monica: You suck! I'm gonna win!
Chandler: Why was he swimming in the East River in November?
Phoebe: I can't tell you that.
Chandler: Then how do I know if I was really wrong?!
Phoebe: Fine. But if the cops find out, you'll be joining him.
Chandler: Forget it, I don't need to know.
Phoebe: Monica, for the game, how many times did Joey and I have sex the first night that we spent together?
Chandler: Ew, I know that one.
Monica: I know this. I know this. Come on, think. Joey told you, Joey told you.
Chandler: Feeling the pressure fatty?
Monica: Come on Monica, think. It's an unbelievable number, much greater than Chandler's night of three times.
Chandler: You bitch!
Phoebe: Two seconds Monica.
Monica: 32! It was 32 times!
Phoebe: You're correct. Chandler, you have been defeated. Once again you have proven that women are superior to you.
Chandler: Hell, if that's all we were trying to prove, we shouldn't have even played the stupid game.
Phoebe: Chandler, I hereby resign as your Executive Assistant.
Chandler: Resignation accepted.
Monica: I win! I win! I won Phoebe's soul! (to Phoebe) You're mine sucker!
Phoebe (to Chandler): Don't worry Chandler. I know an excellent replacement. Her name is Regina Filange. I'll report to your office tomorrow morning.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed)
Rachel: Are you still mad at me?
Ross: What do you think? I got caught with my pants around my ankles.
Rachel (going under the covers): Are you still mad at me?
Ross: That's not gonna work Rachel.
Rachel (from under the covers, down by Ross' waist): Are you still mad at me?
Ross: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Rachel: Why not? (flips the covers back) Oh my God, you really do have a rash down there.