THE ONE WHERE BEN MOVES IN
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Jenna are present)
Jenna: Why didn't you tell me that you knew Brad Pitt?
Joey: Didn't think it was important.
Jenna: Not important? Brad Pitt's only the hottest actor around!
Joey: Wait a minute, just yesterday you told me that I was the hottest actor around.
Jenna: I know.
Joey: So what's changed?
Jenna: The fact that you know Brad Pitt. He's to die for.
Joey: Well if you keep lusting after him, you'll definitely be dying.
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Joey: Don't you have to work today?
Jenna: No, I'm on vacation for the next week.
Joey: So why aren't we at my place messing up the sheets?
Jenna: Because you know Brad Pitt and he's here in town.
Joey: So is his wife Jennifer.
(Jennifer and Brad enter)
Brad: Hey Joe.
Jennifer: How you doin?
Joey: Pretty good sugar.
Brad (to Jenna): I'm sorry, I don't think we met yesterday. I'm Brad, and this is my wife Jennifer.
Jenna: I'm Jenna. I'm a huge fan of yours. You too Jennifer.
Brad: Well thank you.
Jennifer: What do you do Jenna?
Jenna: I'm the Head of Accounting for the East Coast for Toys R Us.
Jennifer: And you're dating Joey?
Jenna: I know, I'm surprised to.
(Ross, Rachel, Ben and Caitlin enter)
Ben: Uncle Brad!
Brad: Hey little guy! How's my favorite little man doing?
Ben: I'm living with Daddy and Mommy Rachel now.
Rachel: Yeah, as of today, Ben's living with us. Carol left for San Francisco this morning.
Jennifer: So you guys won the custody battle?
Ross: I guess. We have Ben for the school year and he lives with Carol during the summer. The only problem we have now is where to put all of Ben's stuff.
Rachel: I told you that we should move to the suburbs.
Ross: Just six months ago we were gonna do that and you vetoed the move. Now you wanna move?
Rachel: I guess.
Ben: Can I have a drink Daddy?
Ross: Sure, what do you want? Juice?
Ben: I want a latte.
Rachel: Little boys don't drink lattes.
Ben: I do.
Ross: Since when?
Ben: Since Mommy Carol got me one a while ago. I really like them. Can I please have one? Please?
Rachel: Fine. You can have one.
Ross: I don't think we should cave.
Rachel: Too late, I already did.
(Rachel goes and gets Ben a latte)
Jennifer: Are you ready to go Brad?
Ross: You're leaving? But you just got here!
Jennifer: We're going out to the Hamptons to look at houses.
Ross: You're moving here?
Jennifer: No, we just would like to have a place on the East Coast to get away to.
Ross: Wow, it must be nice to have that kind of money.
Brad: It is. (pause) You guys wanna come?
Ross: We can 't, we've got to get Ben settled and everything.
Jennifer: Do you wanna come Joey?
Joey: Sure. Can Jenna come too?
Joey: Sorry sweetie, you can't come. I'll see you later.
Jennifer: I was kidding Joey, Jenna's invited as well.
Jenna: You truly are an idiot.
Joey: This is true.
(Brad, Jennifer, Joey and Jenna leave. Rachel and Ben return. Ben drops his latte on the floor)
Ben: Ah f^ck!
Ross: What did you say?!
Ben: I said "Ah f^ck"! I dropped my latte on the floor.
Rachel: We don't use that language young man!
Ross: Who taught you that word?
Ben (meekly): Ryan. He always says it when he gives up a homerun.
Ross: Well we don't use that kind of language, do you understand me?
Ben: Yes Daddy.
Ross: Now go see Gunther and get a rag to clean up your mess.
Ben: Yes Daddy.
Rachel: I can't believe he said that.
Ross: I'm getting the feeling that we've got a long road ahead of us.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Michael is taking a nap)
Phoebe: Mitch called.
Monica: What'd he want?
Chandler (laughing): How's the Cumstain doing?
Phoebe: I don't know, I didn't pick up the phone.
Monica: Why not?
Phoebe: I was pleasuring myself in the bathroom at the time.
Chandler: With a toy or your hand?
Phoebe: The showerhead.
Monica: Too much information Phoebe. Too much information.
Phoebe: You know I was sensing that I shared too much.
Monica: Did you call him back?
Monica: Maybe he realizes he made a mistake in letting you go. Maybe he wants to get back together with you.
Chandler: So why don't you call him?
Phoebe: 'Cause I don't wanna.
Monica: Why not?
Phoebe: I dunno.
Monica: You sound like a two-year old.
Phoebe: Thank you, I've been feeling rather old lately.
Monica: Do you still like him?
Phoebe: Yeah. I really do.
Monica: Then call him!
Phoebe: But what if he doesn't want to get back together?
Monica: Then you can move on and look for someone else.
Phoebe: But I don't want to move on, I want him.
Monica: Then tell me how you not calling him back is going to get what you want?
Phoebe: I just figured I'd send him messages through osmosis.
Chandler: That always works for me.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin and Ben are present)
Ben: Where's Caitlin sleeping?
Rachel: In her room with you.
Ben: But that's my room. She can't sleep in the same room as me she has cooties.
Ross: Your baby sister does not have cooties.
Ben: I want my own room!
Ross: Well we don't have one for you so you're just gonna have to deal with it.
Ben: I wanna go live with Mommy Carol!
Rachel: Keep it up Ben and you'll be on the next plane outta here.
Rachel: He started it.
Ross: Look Ben, until your step mom and I find a house for all of us to live in, you're gonna have to share a room with your baby sister.
Ben: Ok, but I'm not gonna like it. (Ben goes into his and Caitlin's room)
Rachel: Why is being such a brat? He was never like this when he stayed here before.
Ross: I dunno. This has got to be hard for him though, he's lived with his mother for the past eight years and now he has to adjust to living with us and our rules.
(Something crashes to the floor in Ben and Caitlin's room)
(Rachel and Ross rush into the room)
Ross: What did I say about using that word?!
Ben: Sorry, it slipped.
Rachel: What fell?
Ben: My baseball card collection.
Rachel: Well pick it up and put it back on the shelf.
Ross: And congratulations, you've earned a 30-minute stay in your room all by yourself.
Ross: Because you said f^ck.
Ben: Ha ha! You just said it too, you have to go to your room! (Rachel and Ross glare at Ben) I'm really in trouble aren't I?
Ross: Instead of 30 minutes, let's make it an hour. And when you're ready to re-join the family, you better shape up your mouth and your attitude. Am I making myself clear?
Ben: Yes Daddy.
Ross: See you in an hour. (Ross closes the door)
Rachel: The kid's eight years old and he already knows the f-word. I didn't learn that word until I was eleven and I only learned it because my Dad dropped a 2x4 on his foot.
Ross: He must take after me. I learned it when I was four.
Ross: Remember how I washed my Dad's Porsche with rocks when I was four? Yeah, that was the first thing he said to me when he saw what I did.
THE HAMPTONS (Brad, Jennifer, Joey and Jenna are present. They're driving around in Brad and Jennifer's rental car)
Jennifer: Stop! Stop!
Jennifer: There's an open house. I wanna go in. (Jennifer opens her car door)
Brad: Ok, ok. At least let me park the car first.
(They all get out and walk up to the house)
Joey (grabbing a flyer): Jesus Christ! This house is listed for $12 million!
Jennifer: How many bedrooms does it have?
Joey: Ah, ah, 8.
Jennifer: How many bathrooms?
Joey: 12. Why are there more bathrooms then bedrooms?
Jenna: Why would anyone pay $12 million for a house?
Brad: I would.
(They enter the house)
Jennifer: Oh, this house is perfect! Look at the crown molding, marble floors and the spiral staircase!
Brad: It is nice.
Joey: What in the hell is crown molding?
Jenna: Do I look like someone who can afford crown molding?
Brad: Yeah Jen?
Jennifer: Come up stairs with me.
Brad: No, no, we're not doing that.
Joey: What? What aren't you doing?
Jennifer: It's the rules and you know it. Now come upstairs with me!
Brad: But Joey and Jenna are here.
Jennifer: Well they can pick another part of the house.
Jenna: Could someone please tell me what in God's name you're talking about?
Brad: Before Jennifer buys a house she has to have sex in it.
Joey: Hey, I have the same rule about new apartments!
Jenna: Joey, you've lived in the same apartment for nine years.
Joey: Yeah, but I had sex in it before I moved in so the streak still stands. Let's go find a room Jenna!
Jenna: I don't think so. The owners could come home.
Jennifer: I know, that's what makes it so exciting.
Brad: That is true.
Jennifer: Are you coming upstairs with me?
Brad: We'll be back in 20 minutes.
Joey: 20 minutes? I'm gonna need at least 45 minutes!
Brad: Just don't come upstairs.
Joey: It's ok. We'll go do it on the dining room table.
Jenna: We will?
Joey: You betcha.
(Brad and Jennifer go upstairs)
Jenna: I don't think we should do this.
Joey: What's the worse that could happen?
CUT TO THIRTY MINUTES LATER - (Brad, Jennifer, Jenna and Joey are in handcuffs. The homeowners are talking with the police.)
Jenna: This is the worst thing that could've happened. I told you we shouldn't have had sex on the dining room table.
Joey: You weren't complaining ten minutes ago.
Brad: The press is gonna have a field day with this. Way to go Jen!
Jennifer: I still think it was worth it. Just let me talk to the homeowners, I'll get us out of this mess.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Michael is taking a nap)
Monica: Phoebe, you've been staring at the phone for the past hour, just call him already!
Phoebe: Ok, ok. I will. (Phoebe picks up the phone and dials) Mitch Cumstain please.
Chandler: You're not calling his apartment?
Phoebe: No, I only have his work number. (pause) Yes, I'm holding for Mr. Cumstain. Thanks.
Chandler: The receptionist must laugh like hell every time Mitch gets a phone call.
Monica: Would you grow up?
Chandler: Like that's possible.
Phoebe: He's on the phone. I'm just gonna hang up.
Monica: Don't! Don't hang up!
Phoebe: Why not?
Monica: 'Cause you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
Phoebe: Ok Ms. Melodramatic, I was just gonna call him back later.
Phoebe: Hello? (pause) Mitch? Hi, it's Phoebe. (pause) I'm fine. (pause) Oh, I was in LA visiting some friends. (pause) Oh, that's so sweet. (pause) Ok, I'll see you around. Bye. (Phoebe hangs up the phone)
Chandler: What happened?
Phoebe: He just called to make sure I was alright.
Monica: He doesn't want to get back together with you?
Phoebe: Do you see me jumping up and down with joy?
Monica: Then go down to his office and see him.
Phoebe: No. If he wanted me back he would've asked me out when I called him back.
Monica: Where's your Tarot Cards?
Phoebe: Where they always are.
Monica: Which is where?
Phoebe: After all these years, you still don't really know me.
Monica: Just get the cards out.
Phoebe (going into her purse): Here. Here you go.
Chandler: You really shouldn't use those things, they're an instrument of the devil.
Phoebe: Do I look innocent to you?
(Monica shuffles the cards and lays them out on the table)
Monica: What do they say?
Phoebe: You didn't have me ask a question. You always have to have a question.
Chandler: Hell, even I knew that.
Monica (picking up the cards and shuffling them): Will Phoebe and Mitch have a romantic relationship together in the next week? (Monica lays out the cards) Will what do they say? (Phoebe looks at the cards and just stands there) Well?
Phoebe: I've got to go. I'll see you later. (Phoebe leaves)
Monica (chasing after Phoebe): Phoebe! Phoebe! What did the cards say?
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Ben and Caitlin are present. Ross goes into Ben and Caitlin's room to get Ben)
Ross: You can come out now.
Ross: So did you think about what you did while you were in there?
Ben: Yes. I'm sorry that I used the f-word.
Ben: That's it.
Rachel: What about your attitude?
Ben: That's adjusted as well Mommy.
Ross: We're going to Auntie Monica and Uncle Chandler's for dinner. If you want to bring anything with you, go get it.
Ben: Do I have to go?
Rachel: Don't you want to see Auntie Monica and Uncle Chandler?
Ben: I love seeing Uncle Chandler!
Rachel: What about Auntie Monica?
Ben: Not so much.
Ross: Why not?
Ben: She smells funny.
Rachel: Well you're too young to stay here by yourself.
Ben: But Mommy Carol lets me stay by myself.
Rachel: Do I look like Mommy Carol?
Rachel: Then you're going. (Ben goes back into his and Caitlin's room to get something) Ross, I know he's your son and I'm only his stepmother, but I am going to kill that boy.
Ross: Not if I kill him first.
BDI ARCHITECTURAL SERVICES (Phoebe is present)
Phoebe (to the receptionist): Hi, I'm here to see Mitch Cumstain.
Receptionist: And you are?
Phoebe: Regina, Regina Filange.
Receptionist: Is he expecting you?
Phoebe: No. I was just dropping by to see how he was progressing on my mansion design.
Receptionist: Very well. Have a seat. I'll let him know that you're here. (The receptionist gets on the phone and calls Mitch) Mitch? (pause) Yes, there's a Ms. Regina Filange here to see you. (pause) I see. Let me ask her. (to Phoebe) Mr. Cumstain says that he doesn't know who you are.
Phoebe: Right. I'm here to engage her services to design my mansion.
Receptionist: Mitch, she wants to hire you to design her mansion. (pause) I see. I'll tell her. (hangs up the phone) Mr. Cumstain said that he's sorry but he's not accepting new clients at this time. He would see you but he's extremely busy. I'm very sorry.
Phoebe: Ok. (Phoebe goes to leave) I canít believe that didn't work. Regina Filange never fails. (Phoebe turns around and goes back to the receptionist)
Receptionist: Did you forget something Ms. Filange?
Phoebe: My name is Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay. I'm here to see Mitch. Could you let him know that I am here to see him?
Receptionist: If you're Phoebe Buffay, then who is Regina Filange?
Phoebe: Oh her. Yeah, I suffer from a multiple personality disorder. Sometimes Regina Filange just pops up out of nowhere.
Receptionist: So is Phoebe Buffay another personality or a real person?
Phoebe: I'm a real person. See, here's my license.
Receptionist (looking at the license): Ah, this license has Regina Filange's name on it.
Phoebe: Oops, wrong one. That's my fake id. Here's the real one.
Receptionist: Fake id? Aren't you like in your 30's?
Phoebe: Yes, but sometimes I like to pass for someone who's younger. It helps when picking up men. Could you please let Mitch know I'm here to see him?
Receptionist: I think I should really call security. You're an absolute nut job.
Phoebe: Please, my entire love life depends on this meeting.
Receptionist: Ok, ok. Have a seat. (picks up the phone) Mitch? (pause) A Ms. Phoebe Buffay is here to see you. (pause) Ok. I'll let her know. (to Phoebe) He'll be right out.
Phoebe: Thank God.
THE HAMPTONS (Joey, Jenna, Brad and Jennifer are present. Joey, Jenna and Brad are in handcuffs outside the house. Jennifer is talking to the homeowners)
Joey: Man, this sucks. The last time I was in handcuffs was much better than this.
Jenna: You've been arrested before?
Joey: Who hasn't?
Brad: Is this as bad as Disneyland Joey?
Joey: No, Disneyland was a piece of cake compared to this.
Jenna: What happened at Disneyland?
Joey: Phoebe and I got kicked out for having sex on the Sky Way ride.
Brad: I wonder what Jennifer is talking about with the owners?
Joey: It better involve dropping the charges. I don't know how I'll explain being arrested for lewd behavior to my parents.
Jenna: If work finds out about this, they'll fire me.
(Jennifer returns, her handcuffs are off. A police officer comes over and lets Joey, Jenna and Brad out of their handcuffs)
Brad: What did you say to them?
Jennifer: I convinced them to drop the charges.
Joey: Did you promise to sleep with the husband?
Joey: Just asking, that's what I would've done.
Brad: You would have slept with a guy?
Joey: No, no. I would've slept with the wife.
Jenna: You're sick.
Brad: So what did you tell them honey?
Jennifer: I made them an offer they couldn't refuse.
Brad: Which was?
Jennifer: I offered them $14 million for their house and they took it. They were so happy they dropped the charges. Apparently the husband worked for WorldCom and is in deep do-do with the feds. He needs the money to hire a really good lawyer.
Brad: So you're saying that we bought this house?
Joey: Don't you need a loan?
Jennifer: Nah, we have $20 million sitting in an account in Switzerland. We'll just wire the money to their account.
Joey: Man, I wish I had $20 million.
Jenna: Speaking of which, you still owe me $100 for those head shots.
Joey: Think of me as Enron, you give me money and I never give it back.
BDI ARCHITECTURAL SERVICES (Phoebe is present and waiting for Mitch)
Receptionist: Can I get you anything?
Phoebe: Do you have any whiskey?
Receptionist: Ah, no. Do you want water or something?
Phoebe: I'm alright.
(Mitch comes to the front)
Mitch (hugging Phoebe): Hey Phoebe. I'm so glad you're alright.
Mitch: Why are you here?
Phoebe: Can we go to your office?
Mitch: Sure. (Phoebe and Mitch go to his office. Phoebe enters and sits down in a chair. Mitch shuts the door behind him) So what's up?
Phoebe: Not much.
Mitch: Then why are you here?
Phoebe: Just to say hi.
Mitch: Ok. (pause) So why are you really here?
Phoebe: To convince you to take me back.
Phoebe: I'm not leaving until you take me back.
Mitch: Phoebe, we've been through all this, I can't handle your past. It's all too weird.
Phoebe: But we're meant to be together.
Mitch: How do you figure that? We went out for only two weeks.
Phoebe: It's in the cards.
Mitch: Excuse me?
Phoebe: It's in the cards. The cards said that you're gonna take me back and give me another chance.
Mitch: Have you been reading Hallmark cards or something?
Phoebe: No, not those type of cards, Tarot Cards. The Tarot Cards said that you're gonna take me back within a week.
Mitch: What are Tarot Cards?
Phoebe: A means of predicting the future.
Mitch: See, this is exactly what I can't handle. It's impossible to predict the future.
Phoebe: That's not true.
Phoebe: I'll prove it to you. (looks in her purse) Damn, I left them at Monica's.
Mitch: Left what?
Phoebe: My Tarot Cards.
Mitch: Phoebe, I really need to get back to work. Can we talk about this later?
Phoebe: Oh wait, I have my traveling set of cards right here! And no, we're talking about this right now.
Mitch: If that's what it takes to convince you that we're not getting back together, then fine.
Phoebe: Ask a question, any question.
Mitch: This is ridiculous.
Phoebe: Come on, be a good sport. Ask anything. Ask something that you'd never think would happen.
Mitch: Fine. Will I get fired from this job?
Phoebe (she shuffles the cards and lays them out): Uh oh!
Phoebe: This isn't good.
Mitch: What is it?
Phoebe: Your gonna get canned today.
Mitch: Ok, this has gone on long enough. You've got to go Phoebe.
(Just then Barry, the senior partner, enters Mitch's office)
Barry (to Mitch): Oh, I didn't realize that you had company.
Mitch: Is it important?
Barry: Yeah. Can I see outside for a minute?
(Mitch leaves with Barry. Phoebe starts looking around Mitch's office, picks up an old fashioned pen and spills ink on a bunch of drawings. She puts the pen back and sits back down. Mitch enters, he's white as a ghost)
Phoebe: So do you believe me know?
Phoebe: What happened?
Mitch: They laid me off because business has been slow.
Phoebe: So will you take me back?
Mitch: Did the cards say that I will?
Mitch: I'll think about it.
Phoebe: Ok, I'll be at Monica and Chandler's. Bye.
Mitch (to himself): She is so weird and yet I'm extremely attracted to her.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (The Bing and Geller families, Jennifer, Brad, Joey, Jenna and Phoebe are present. Caitlin and Michael are in their playpens)
Ben: Can I watch TV?
Ben: Why not?
Ross: Because I said so.
Ben: That's not a very good reason.
Ross: That's it. You and me outside, right now.
(Ben and Ross go outside)
Rachel (to Monica): Wanna trade Michael for Ben?
Chandler: Ben acting like a brat?
Chandler: That's normal.
Rachel: Why exactly?
Chandler: After my parents divorced, I had a difficult time whenever I lived with either of them for an extended period of time. I didn't know how to act. Each parent had their different set of rules and stuff. So I coped by acting out. Give him some time, he'll adjust.
Brad: Cut it out Chandler, you're scaring the crap out of me.
Chandler: Didn't think I had any wisdom did you?
Joey: What's for dinner?
Monica: I dunno. What are you making?
Joey (laughing): That's a good one Mon. (Monica just looks at Joey) Oh, you weren't joking.
Jennifer: I guess Brad and I will just have to take you all out for dinner.
Joey: I like that idea.
Jennifer: Just don't order a whole cheesecake to go this time Joey.
Joey: You remembered that?
Jenna (to Joey): You really have no clue when it comes to etiquette.
Joey: I generally don't have a clue at all.
(Ross and Ben return)
Ross: So what's for dinner?
Brad: Jen and I are taking everyone out.
Ben: Cool! Can we go to Chuck E. Cheese?
Brad: Ah, no.
Ross: God damn it Ben! What did I say about using that word?!
Rachel: I'll handle this. Come on Ben.
(Rachel takes Ben into the bathroom)
Jennifer: That kid's developed quite the filthy mouth.
Ross: His future stepfather taught him the word.
(There's a knock on the door. Everyone freezes for a minute)
Jenna: Isn't anyone gonna answer that?
Monica: I'll get it. (Monica opens the door. It's Mitch) Hey Mitch! Come on in.
Mitch: Is Phoebe here?
Phoebe: I'm right here.
Mitch: Can I talk to you in the hall for a minute?
Phoebe: You can say whatever you need to say in front of everyone.
Mitch: I really don't want to.
Phoebe: Well I didn't want to go to your office to see you, but I did. Now out with it.
Mitch: I have been thinking and I want to give us another chance. Will you go out with me tonight?
Phoebe: No. I have plans.
Phoebe: What? I thought we were all going to dinner.
Jennifer: You can bring Mitch, it's Mitch right?
Mitch: You're, you're Jennifer Aniston.
Mitch: I'm a huge fan of yours.
Phoebe: Hey! You're supposed to be wooing me!
Mitch: Right. Phoebe, will you go out with me tonight?
Phoebe: Yes. Yes I will and if you're good, I'll even sleep with you.
Brad: Subtle, real subtle Pheebs.
(Rachel and Ben emerge from the bathroom)
Rachel (to Ben): Tell your father what happens to you when you use the f-word.
Ben: Mommy Rachel washes my mouth out with soap.
Rachel: Will you use that word again?
Ben: Probably not. The soap tastes like sh^t.
(Everyone just looks at Ben. Rachel grabs Ben's hand and drags him back into the bathroom)
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (The Geller family is present. Ben and Caitlin are asleep. Ross and Rachel are in bed)
Ross: What a day.
Rachel: Yeah. Ben better adjust to living with us soon, or he's not gonna make it to his 9th birthday.
Ross: So, do you wanna f^ck?
Rachel: Excuse me?!
Ross: I'm sorry, do you wanna make love?
Ross: Why not?
Rachel: At this moment I'm anti anything that could get me pregnant again. (Ross gets out of bed) Where're you going?
Ross: To kill Ben. That little boy has been here for one day and he's already ruined my sex life.