Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is in bed, he's sick. Rachel comes in)

Rachel: How are you feeling honey?

Ross: Like a Mack truck ran over my head.

Rachel: Let me take your temperature.

Ross: No, no, I already know I have a fever. I don't need you to take my temperature.

Rachel: Come on, if your temp is over 103 we got to get you to the Doctor's.

Ross (protesting): But it was only 102 an hour ago. I feel a lot cooler now. (starts coughing uncontrollably) See, I feel a hundred times better.

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: Ok.

Rachel (taking his temperature via his ear): It's still 102. Here, here's some Tylenol. This'll bring your fever down. You know, your really lucky I went out and bought this thermometer a week ago. If I hadn't, you'd be bending over right about now.

Ross: My ass appreciates you picking up the new thermometer.

Rachel: Go back to sleep. I'll check on you in a couple of hours.

Ross: Thanks Rach, I love you.

Rachel: I love you too honey.


CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross is present)

Monica: You'll never believe what happened to me at work yesterday.

Chandler: God, here we go again. Look Mon, I don't need to hear another stupid dinosaur story.

Joey: Yeah Monica, face it, your job sucks.

Monica: My job does not suck. I have my doctorate in Paleontology you know. I also got 1500 on my SATs.

Joey: Yes, but that doesn't make you a real doctor. I'm the only one here who can honestly call themselves a doctor.

Chandler: How is Gynecology treating you Joey?

Joey: You spend all day looking at what I look at, and I guarantee you that you'll never have sex again.

Monica: When is the last time you had sex Joey?

Joey: Three years ago.

Rachel: At least he has a job, I haven't worked in months.

Phoebe: You never work Rachel. You're constantly mooching off Monica.

Rachel: Hey, we're happily married. She plays the role of the breadwinner.

Chandler: And what role do you play?

Rachel: The stay at home wife.

Monica: Leave Rachel alone, she has an audition later that she's really excited about.

Phoebe: Trying gay porn again Rach?

Rachel: I've never done gay porn.

Chandler: I don't know about that. I've seen the girl on girl video that you and Monica made.

Monica: When did you see that?!

Chandler: Phoebe and I broke into your apartment while you guys were in San Francisco. But hey, don't feel bad, it was exciting action. Phoebe and I made love for hours after watching that video.

Phoebe: Chandler!

Chandler: Sorry honey.

(Ross enters)

Ross: Hey. (goes over and kisses Rachel on the cheek) How's my favorite sister?

Rachel: I've got an audition today.

Ross: Good for you. There's always room in Hollywood for another Ellen DeGenneres.

Monica: Where have you been?

Ross: At my lawyer's office.

Joey: How's that going?

Ross: Honestly, it doesn't look good. I may be going on a long vacation shortly.

Phoebe: What's the SEC's problem? It's not like you purposely squandered your employees 401K money. So you cost the shareholders $50 billion, so what? That's the beauty of America. It's capitalism at its finest.

Monica: His company put 5,000 people out of work and took their retirement with him. The only place Ross is going is to jail.

MONICA & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel is watching TV as Monica enters)

Monica: Honey I'm home.

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: How'd the audition go?

Rachel: I absolutely blew it.

Monica: What happened?

Rachel: I had to kiss a guy!

Monica: So?

Rachel: I don't kiss guys!

Monica: Rachel, if you're eventually going to work in show business, you're gonna have to learn to kiss a man. It's really no big deal.

Rachel: So you're saying you make it a habit of kissing men when I'm not looking?

Monica: No, no. But unlike you, I was heterosexual for a while. I kissed guys and I had a guy give me the high hard one.

Rachel: Stop! Stop it! You're grossing me out.

Monica: Look, I have to go meet someone tonight, are you gonna be ok?

Rachel: Who are you meeting?

Monica: Don't you mean whom?

Rachel: I'm sorry Ms. I got 1500 on my SATs. Whom are you meeting?

Monica: There's a department meeting at the University.

Rachel: Oh, ok. I think I'm gonna go to the movies with Joey. Jennifer Aniston is in a new movie.

Monica: Here we go with the Jennifer Aniston fantasy again.

Rachel: Oh honey, I'd never leave you for Jennifer Aniston. You have a much nicer rack and I don't think Jennifer's gay.

CHANDLER & PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are eating dinner)

Phoebe: I bought some excellent stuff at the nursery today.

Chandler: I still don't think it's a good idea.

Phoebe: We're not growing it for sale, we're growing it for personal consumption.

Chandler: If we get caught, we're gonna join Ross on his long vacation.

Phoebe: Actually, Ross is probably going to a cakewalk prison, a minimum security type deal. If we get caught, yeah, we're going straight to the big house.

Chandler: Do they still allow conjugal visits between inmates who are married?

Phoebe: They did the last time we were in prison, I don't think it's changed since then.

ROSS' MANSION (Ross is in his study. A woman enters)

Woman: Honey?

Ross: What is it Emily? (yes, that Emily)

Emily: Are you coming to bed?

Ross: No, not yet. I have some business to attend to.

Emily: Ok. I'll see you in the morning.

Ross: Goodnight. (the phone rings, Ross quickly answers it) Hello? (pause) Yeah, she just went to bed. I'll meet you in fifteen minutes at the Plaza.

JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Rachel are present)

Joey: How'd the audition go?

Rachel: I blew it.

Joey: Had to kiss a guy?

Rachel: Of course. God, I'm never gonna make it to Hollywood if I don't learn how to kiss a guy without gagging.

Joey: Do you want my help?

Rachel: What?

Joey: I'm your friend Rachel and a big supporter of your career.

Rachel: That's true, without you I'd never have any head shots.

Joey: Look, I'll read the scene with you from today's audition and you can practice kissing a guy.

Rachel: No, I don't think so.

Joey: Come on Rachel, I don't have cooties. I haven't been with a woman since 1999.

Rachel: Don't you miss having sex?

Joey: Oh, I have sex. I just have it by myself. It's safer that way.

Rachel: I don't know about this. Monica might get mad.

Joey: You're not doing anything wrong Rachel, you're merely acting.

Rachel: But I'm gonna be kissing you!

Joey: So? You're gay and I'm straight. Kissing me is not gonna make you change teams.

Rachel: Ok, I'll go get the script.

(Rachel leaves)

Joey: God, I wish I could make you change teams.

THE PLAZA (Ross is in a master suite waiting for someone)

Ross: Where in the hell is she?

(A woman enters)

Woman: Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

Ross: I only have an hour you know!

Woman: So, it normally only takes you two minutes to reach the promised land anyway.

Ross: What did you tell Rachel?

Monica: I told her that I had a department meeting. What'd you tell Emily?

Ross: That I had some business to tend to.

Monica: And she believed you?

Ross: Emily's British, she'll believe anything that I tell her.

Monica: Did you book the tickets to France?

Ross: Yeah. They're open-ended tickets, as soon as I hear word that the indictments are coming down, you and me are outta here.

Monica: I can't believe you're gonna do this to your sister.

Ross: Hey, it's not my fault Rachel is an invalid that can't do anything right. And hey, she's your wife.

Monica: Please, our marriage has been over for a long time. I've only stayed in it because she's your sister. Once we get to France, it'll be, who's Rachel? Now are you ready for some sex?

Ross: I've only been waiting all day!

JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Rachel are present)

Rachel: I don't think I can do this. Monica's gonna get mad.

Joey: Monica's not gonna get mad. She wants you to succeed as much as I do. Now come on, let's read the scene.

Rachel: Ok. (reading from the script): How could you Peter! You knew she was dying yet you slept with her anyway.

Joey: I was trying a new treatment program. I never thought that she die in the middle of sex.

Rachel: You, you've thrown away three years of love for some romp in the hay with that, that tramp. I never want to see you again.

Joey: Don't go Penelope. Don't leave it like this.

Rachel: Why should I stay? What could you possibly say to make me want to stay?

Joey: Here's a reason. (Joey grabs Rachel to kiss her. Rachel starts laughing) What are you doing?

Rachel: I'm sorry, this is just too funny.

Joey: Rachel, you're never gonna get anywhere in acting if you don't overcome your phobia of kissing men.

Rachel: So you're saying that if you were an actor, you'd have no problem kissing a man?

Joey: I wouldn't like it, but I could do it. Hell, it's not like I haven't seen my father making out with another man before. Let's do the scene again, no laughing this time.

Rachel: Ok, ok. I'm ready. (pause) Don't you dare slip me the tongue.

Joey: Who do you think I am? Chandler?

Rachel: Here goes nothing. (reading from the script): How could you Peter! You knew she was dying yet you slept with her anyway.

Joey: I was trying a new treatment program. I never thought that she die in the middle of sex.

Rachel: You, you've thrown away three years of love for some romp in the hay with that, that tramp. I never want to see you again.

Joey: Don't go Penelope. Don't leave it like this.

Rachel: Why should I stay? What could you possibly say to make me want to stay?

Joey: Here's a reason. (Joey grabs Rachel and starts to kiss her. Rachel fights against it)

Rachel: I did it!

Joey: I wouldn’t go that far.

Rachel: What do you mean? I kissed you! I kissed a guy!

Joey: Sure we kissed, but it felt like I was kissing a wall. You've got to relax, you've got to kiss me like you'd kiss Monica.

Rachel: I already told you, no tongue.

Joey: No Rachel, you just have to relax. You have to picture in your mind that you're kissing Monica, not me.

Rachel: How'd you learn to do that?

Joey: When I was married to Carol I used to have to picture her, her, thing down there, as something other than what it was.

Rachel: Because you look at them all day long?

Joey: Exactly.

Rachel: Out of curiosity, what did you picture?

Joey: An ice cream cone.

Rachel: An ice cream cone?

Joey: Sure, you lick an ice cream cone, it makes total sense. Are you ready to do the scene again?

Rachel: Ok. Remember, no tongue.

Joey: I know Rach. Now read!

Rachel: Ok. (reading from the script): How could you Peter! You knew she was dying yet you slept with her anyway.

Joey: I was trying a new treatment program. I never thought that she die in the middle of sex.

Rachel: You, you've thrown away three years of love for some romp in the hay with that, that tramp. I never want to see you again.

Joey: Don't go Penelope. Don't leave it like this.

Rachel: Why should I stay? What could you possibly say to make me want to stay?

Joey: Here's a reason. (Joey grabs Rachel and starts to kiss her. They go at for a minute. Joey suddenly breaks it off) Ok, ok, ok, I think you got it.

Rachel: I did?

Joey: Let's just say that Monica is a very lucky woman.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Phoebe (to Ross): So have you picked out your prison cell yet?

Ross: Very funny. I don't think I'm gonna be spending any time in prison.

Monica: What are you gonna do? Flee the country?

Ross: On the advice of my lawyer, I can't answer that.

Chandler: I don't see what the big deal is in going to prison. When I was there, I ruled my cellblock.

Phoebe: Please, the only thing you ruled was which inmate got to violate you on a particular day.

Chandler: Is that never talking about that?

Joey: Anyway, Rachel and Monica, you're due for your annual check-up.

Monica: Yeah, about that Joey, I don't think I want you inspecting my equipment anymore. It really freaks me out that you know what I look like down there.

Rachel: Yeah, and she doesn't want you to lecture her on how to keep her clitoris ring clean.

Monica: Rachel!

Rachel: Sorry, it slipped.

(A group of men dressed in business suits enter Central Perk)

Phoebe: They've come for you Ross.

Ross: I knew I should've stayed home today.

Joey: But Emily was home, wasn't she?

Ross: That bitch never leaves the house.

Chandler: Why are you still married to her then?

Ross: Because it costs me less to stay married to her than it does to divorce her skanky ass. It's all very complicated.

(The men approached the group)

Man #1: Ross Geller?

Ross: Yes.

Man #1: It's time Mr. Geller.

Ross: No thanks, I already ate lunch.

Man #2: Mr. Geller, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you can not afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. (goes on reading Ross his rights)

Ross: Rachel, do me a favor and don't tell Mom and Dad that I was finally arrested. It'll only make their day.

Rachel: Ok. I love you.

Ross: Love you too.

(The men take Ross away)

Chandler: Let that be a lesson to you children, if you're gonna break the law, make sure you don't get caught.

Joey: Then how do you explain spending four years in prison?

Chandler: I don't. I was framed.

Phoebe: How many times do I have to apologize to you? You knew that we were fighting at the time, I needed a break from "us".

Rachel: Most people separate for a period, these two send one another to prison.

Monica: Well I better get to the University.

Rachel: It's Saturday. You have to work on Saturday?

Monica: Yes. I have to prepare my lectures for next week?

Rachel: Can't you do that at home?

Monica: Oh sweetie, you know I can't concentrate on work when you're walking around the apartment in nothing but a T-shirt. I'll see you later.

(Monica leaves)

Rachel: Isn't she the best?

Joey: I think she's cheating on you.

Rachel: What? What would make you say that?

Joey: I'm intuitive, I know these things.

Phoebe: That's a load of crap. There's no way that you're intuitive. You're simply a Gynecologist, and a very bad one at that.

Joey: I'm not a bad doctor.

Phoebe: Please! You fell asleep in the middle of my examination! You gave me a hickey on my vulva!

Rachel: Could we get back to the cheating thing please? Why do you think she's cheating on me?

Joey: She's been doing a lot of stuff without you lately. She's also been walking funny.

Rachel: So?

Chandler: That's a man's first sign that his wife is screwing around on him, they start to walk funny.

Rachel: That still doesn't make any sense. So what if she's walking funny?

Chandler: She's walking funny because she's sore from getting pounded by the high hard one.

Rachel: Monica's gay, she's not screwing some guy.

Joey: For your sake, I hope I'm wrong.

CHANDLER & PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (They have turned the second bedroom into a greenhouse. They're growing an illegal plant)

Chandler: Man, look at those buds. We're going to be seriously high.

Phoebe: And rich.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: We're gonna make a fortune with this stuff.

Chandler: But we agreed that we weren't going to sell this stuff. It's one thing to get caught with pot plants, but if we get caught distributing it, they'll send us away for a long time.

Phoebe: We're not gonna get caught.

Chandler: That's what you said when we robbed the Bank.

Phoebe: We wouldn't have gotten caught, but you had to trip over your own two feet and let your mask fall off.

Chandler: I was stoned. What do you expect?

(There's a knock on the door - Phoebe and Chandler look at one another)

Phoebe: Who could that be?

Chandler: Did you order the pizza yet?

Phoebe: No, I ordered steaks from Cattlemen's. Go get the door.

Chandler: And let you escape down the fire escape? I don't think so. You got away the last time. It's my turn to escape.

Phoebe: For your information, I didn't escape the last time, the police were waiting for me at the bottom of the fire escape.

Chandler: I guess they're starting to catch on to us. (goes to the door) Who is it?

Woman: It's Sgt. Nina Quadros of the New York City Police Department. We have a warrant to search your apartment.

Phoebe: That's not good.

Chandler: Quick, put the plants into the incinerator.

Phoebe: We don't have an incinerator!

Chandler: Man, this is some powerful stuff. I'm seeing things now.

Sgt. Quadros: Mr. Bing, you have five seconds to open the door or we're breaking it down.

Chandler (opening the door): Nina, it's so great to see you again.

Phoebe: Have you been working out? Your ass looks fabulous.

Sgt Quadros: You know the drill. Wait for us outside.

(Chandler and Phoebe go outside, accompanied by an officer)

Chandler (to the officer): Is this your first raid?

Officer: No.

Chandler: Mine neither.

Phoebe: Are you married?

Officer: Excuse me?

Phoebe: Do you have a wife?

Officer: Yes ma'am.

Phoebe: Would you be interested in swapping partners?

Officer: Excuse me?

Phoebe: I want to know if you'd swap partners with me and my husband.

Officer: I don't think so. Now please be quiet.

(Sgt. Quadros emerges from the apartment carrying a marijuana plant)

Sgt. Quadros (to Chandler): Would you care to explain this?

Chandler: How did that get in there? God damn it, OJ's framed us again. I'm really getting sick and tired of his pranks. I'll tell you what, he should be out looking for the real killers.

Sgt. Quadros: So you're saying that OJ Simpson planted 10 marijuana plants in your apartment to frame you?

Chandler: Definitely. That's the truth.

Sgt. Quadros (to Phoebe): What's your side of the story?

Phoebe: OJ's mad at me for breaking off our affair. I just couldn't continue seeing a man who doesn't know how his ex-wife and her friend were killed even though all the evidence pointed to him as the murderer. I was afraid for my own safety. Anyway, he's been plotting to destroy my husband and I for over a year now. He must've sneaked into our apartment and planted the marijuana plants while we were out having coffee.

Sgt. Quadros: So these aren't your plants?

Phoebe: I've never seen them before. Where'd you find them?

Sgt. Quadros: In the bedroom.

Phoebe (to Chandler): Did you see any plants in our bedroom?

Chandler: No. You know that I'm allergic to most plants. OJ definitely planted them.

(Another officer emerges from the apartment)

Officer #2: Sgt. Quadros?

Sgt. Quadros: Yes?

Officer #2: We found this in on the kitchen table. (hands her a still smoking doobie)

Sgt. Quadros: And I suppose that OJ Simpson left this doobie on your table before he fled the scene.

Chandler: That's exactly what must've happened. Neither my wife or I smoke pot, it's bad for our lungs.

Sgt. Quadros: Then explain to me why your eyes are so red?

Chandler: Because, because, because, Phoebe was repeatedly poking me in the eye for pissing on the toilet seat.

Phoebe: That's correct. I really hate it when he does that.

Sgt. Quadros: Well we're gonna have to confiscate these plants and use them as evidence for when we finally get around to framing OJ for a crime he didn't commit.

Chandler: He didn't kill his ex-wife and her friend?

Sgt. Quadros: No, no, he definitely did that. It's the drug running that we're trying to nail him for. Good day Mr. and Mrs. Bing.

(The police leave. Chandler and Phoebe go into their apartment)

Phoebe: Can you believe that they bought all that stuff about OJ Simpson being in our apartment?

Chandler: Just goes to show you how you can blame everything on OJ Simpson. You were having an affair with OJ? That was a good one.

Phoebe: I know I should've told you sooner, but there was never a right time.

Chandler: You, you, you actually had an affair with OJ Simpson?!

Phoebe: Well you were in prison and I got lonely. I only did it to pass the time, honest. I thought of you the entire time I was with OJ.

Chandler: Oh. I guess that's payback for me sleeping with your Mom.

IN FRONT OF NEW YORK SUPERIOR COURT (Ross has just been arraigned and is walking to his waiting limo)

Reporter #1: Mr. Geller, are you guilty of the charges brought before the court today?

Ross: The only thing I'm guilty of is loving my country. I guarantee you that I will be cleared of all the wrong doings that I have been accused of.

Reporter #2: So you don't regret driving your company into bankruptcy, robbing your employees of their retirement money and costing 5,000 people their jobs?

Ross: I am only one man. There are 49 other people in the executive ranks that played a major role in running BDI Inc. I did the best I could under the circumstances. Again, I will be cleared of all the wrong doings that I have been accused of.

(Ross reaches the limo. The driver opens the door)

Reporter #3: Mr. Geller, the SEC has documents showing that you sold all of your stock holdings in BDI Inc. over the past six months. The SEC alleges that you knew that the company was in financial trouble and that you sold your holdings to protect your balance sheet. Yet at the same time, you froze all employee retirement accounts and assured them that the company was on solid financial footing. Would you care to address these allegations?

Ross: Not at this time. My actions will be explained when I have my day in court.

Reporter #4: What did you do with the money that you gained from the sale of your stock holdings?

Ross: I paid for my wife's boob job. (pause) That's really none of your business. Good day.

(Ross gets into the limo. Monica is waiting for him)

Monica: Hey.

Ross: God, I'm so glad to see you.

Driver: Where to Mr. Geller?

Ross: To 333 Barker St. in the Village.

Driver: Yes sir.

Monica: I thought that you were going to leave the country before they indicted you?

Ross: I was, but they sealed the indictment so I didn't know about it.

Monica: What did the judge set your bail at?

Ross: $10 million.

Monica: My God! That's a lot of money.

Ross: Well I am worth $4 billion, $10 million is really just piss in a bucket to me. Are you packed?

Monica: Yeah. All I have to do is run in and grab it. If you flee the country, that means that you can never come back right?

Ross: Pretty much. Did you write Rachel a note?

Monica: Yeah, more like a four-page letter. She'll be crushed, but no one ever said marriage is forever.

Ross: God knows I know that.

Monica: Right, I forgot that you've been married eight times.

MONICA & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel is cleaning)

Rachel: She is such a freaking slob! Would it kill her to wash the pot after she uses it?

(Rachel goes into their bedroom. She finds the note that Monica has written. She opens it and starts reading. Joey enters)

Joey: Rachel? Rach, you here? (Joey walks into the bedroom) Hey Rach, are you ready to go to the movies?

Rachel (turns around with tears streaming from eyes): I don't feel like it.

Joey: My God! Who died?

Rachel: Monica left me.

Joey: What?

Rachel: Monica left me. She's fallen in love with someone else.

Joey: Another woman?

Rachel: A man! She's leaving me for a man!

Joey: Did she say who it is?

Rachel (crying harder): Yes!

Joey: Who is it?

Rachel: My brother!

Joey: Monica left you for Tony?

Rachel: Not my younger brother, my older brother!

Joey: Monica left you for Ross?

Rachel: Yes.

Joey (taking Rachel in his arms): It's ok Rach. Everything's gonna be ok.

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Phoebe are present)

Chandler: I don’t know why we come to this place. Nothing ever exciting happens here.

Phoebe: Just because you'd rather go to a strip club does not give you the right to make fun of my favorite hangout.

(Joey and Rachel enter)

Joey: Hey.

Chandler (noticing Rachel's red eyes): Who died?

Joey: No one died.

Phoebe: Then what's the problem Rach?

Rachel: Monica left me for a man.

Chandler: She changed teams again? She's one confused lesbian.

Rachel: But the worst part is that she left me for my brother!

Phoebe: Monica left you for that deadbeat Tony?

Rachel: No, she left me for Ross!

Chandler: Ross?

Joey: Yeah, I was shocked too. Monica and Ross are planning to flee the country so Ross doesn't have to face trial.

Phoebe: We should mess with them then. We should call the FBI and tell them that Ross is trying to flee the country.

Rachel: I've already done that. They're gonna catch my two-timing brother and feed him to the sharks!

(A beautiful woman enters)

Chandler: Whoa! She's hot!

Phoebe: I'd sleep with her.

Joey: You'd sleep with anything that had a pulse.

Phoebe: I wouldn't sleep with you.

Joey: Thank God.

Chandler: That woman really looks familiar. I've seen her somewhere before, I just can't place her.

Phoebe: You're right, she looks totally familiar.

Joey: The only way I'd recognize her was if she had her feet up in the stirrups.

Rachel: I'm going home.

Joey: Come on Rachel, stay here for a little while.

Rachel: I just wanna….(notices the beautiful woman) oh my God! It's Jennifer Aniston!

Chandler: Who's Jennifer Aniston?

Phoebe: She's a Hollywood actress that Rachel's had the hots for. She's also on Rachel's freebie list.

Joey: Freebie list?

Phoebe: A list of five people that Rachel can sleep with without it affecting her marriage to Monica.

Chandler: Huh, Ross must've been on Monica's list.

(Jennifer comes over)

Jennifer (to Rachel): Hi. I'm Jennifer. I don't normally do this, but you are incredibly hot. Would you like to grab some lunch or something?

Rachel: Sure! Are you, you're not….

Jennifer: Yes, I am a lesbian. Ready to go?

Rachel: Yeah. I'll see you guys later.

(Jennifer and Rachel leave)

Chandler: That's such a waste. That woman was absolutely gorgeous yet she adheres to the penis embargo. Beautiful women should not be allowed to become lesbians.

Phoebe: Honey, think of what you're saying. If beautiful women can't be lesbians anymore, think of what that'll do to porn movies.

Chandler: Man, I don't know what I was thinking there for a minute. Nothing's finer than watching two women in a 69er.

SOMEWHERE OVER THE ATLANTIC OCEAN - THE GELLER PRIVATE JET (Ross and Monica are in their seats drinking champagne)

Ross: To our new life.

Monica: To our new life. (they both drink) What did you tell Emily?

Ross: Who?

Monica: Your wife, your wife Emily. What did you tell her?

Ross: Damn, I knew I forgot to do something. Oh well, she'll figure it out.

(the jet hits turbulence)

Pilot (over the intercom): Mr. Geller, please make sure you and your companion are buckled up. We've got no choice but to fly through this storm. It's going to get a little bit bumpy.

Monica: In a couple of hours we'll be in France.

Ross: Yeah, and in a couple of hours it will be all over the newspapers that I fled the country.

(the plane goes into a deep dive)

Monica: What's going on?!

Ross: I don't know!

Pilot (over the intercom): Pull up! Pull up!

Co-Pilot (over the intercom): She's not responding! Mayday, Mayday! JFK International, this is Eagle-44, we have a mechanical problem! Repeat, we have a mechanical problem!

Monica: Oh my God! We're gonna die!

Ross: This can't be happening! I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is asleep)

Ross (in his sleep): I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die! I love you Monica!

(Rachel comes rushing in)

Rachel: Ross! Ross!

Ross (awakened): Huh? Where am I? Did I survive the plane crash?

Rachel: There was no plane crash honey. It was just a dream.

Ross: So you're not a lesbian?

Rachel: Last time I checked, no.

Ross: So it was a dream. God, it was so weird. Chandler and Phoebe were married and in and out of jail, Joey was a Gynecologist who hadn't had sex with a woman for over three years, and you and Monica were lesbian lovers. The weird part is that you were my sister in the dream and Monica left you to go to France with me. Even weirder, I was married to Emily. Oh, and near the end of the dream, you hooked up with Jennifer.

Rachel: Sounds like this flu has really taken its toll on you. What did you do in the dream?

Ross: I was the CEO of BDI Inc. I had driven the company into bankruptcy, raided the employees retirement accounts and other really bad stuff. I was arrested, posted bail and fled the country with Monica. We were somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean when the plane started to crash. You woke me up right before we hit the water. It was like I was in some Bizarro world.

Rachel: Wow, your clothes are soaked, your fever must have broke.

Ross: I guess it's true when they say that fevers will cause a person to have some really weird dreams.

Rachel: Yeah. Do you want something to eat or anything?

Ross: Sure. What are you cooking?

Rachel: Ok, we're not in dreamland anymore. What take-out food do you want?


ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is asleep. Rachel is in bed next to him reading)

Ross (talking in his sleep): I don't care! You slept with Joey!

Rachel: I'd never sleep with Joey.

Ross (talking in his sleep): That's not the point Chandler! You're my life partner and you cheated on me!

Rachel: Must have been the rectal thermometer experience that caused this dream. That's the only explanation.