THE ONE WITH THE BOMB AT THE END
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey, Jenna and Chandler are present)
Jenna: So you broke your hand because Ross beat you at a stupid basketball game?
Jenna: Do you realize how immature that is?
Chandler: Joey's middle name is immature.
Joey: No it's not! My middle name is Francis!
Chandler: I see Francis, I see square, I see Joey's underwear.
(Joey starts laughing)
Joey: I love that rhyme. Do it again!
Jenna: You both are immature idiots! I am surrounded by idiots!
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is eating breakfast at the table. Rachel emerges from their bedroom)
Rachel: Good morning.
Ross: Yeah, I'll make sure I forward that to Ben when I visit him this morning. Hopefully he doesn't have a stomach ache this morning.
Rachel: How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? Don't you think I feel bad enough? Do you really think I need you to remind of how badly I screwed up?
Ross (getting up and grabbing his briefcase): That's only 3 questions, you have 17 to go. I'll see you later.
(Ross leaves, Rachel looks on in shock)
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are present)
Chandler: Hey Pheebs, where's Mitch been? I haven't seen him in a couple of days.
Phoebe: The last I saw of him he was swimming in the East River.
Chandler: It's the middle of November, what's he doing swimming in the East River?
Phoebe (laughing): I'm sure he'd like to know the answer to that too.
Monica: Phoebe and Mitch broke up. Or I should say, Phoebe caught Mitch fooling around with someone else and she dumped him.
Phoebe: Like putting a fish back into the sea.
(Monica starts laughing)
Chandler: What's so funny?
Monica: Nothing, it's nothing.
Chandler: Well I better get off to work or, or….
Monica: You won't get paid.
Chandler: That'll work. Are you coming Phoebe?
Phoebe (excited): You want me to come to work with you?
Chandler: Well it is take your insane friend to work day.
Phoebe: That's so sweet. They're finally thinking of the mentally ill.
Monica: You are working tonight Phoebe, right?
Phoebe: I'll be there. Don't worry about it.
Monica: What's the real reason Phoebe's going to work with you Chandler?
Chandler: I fired my secretary and Phoebe's filling in until I find a new one.
Monica: So it is true, it really is take your insane friend to work day.
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL - ROOM 412 (Ross is visiting with Ben. A cute nurse enters)
Nurse: How's my favorite little patient doing this morning?
Ben: Really good. I really feel better.
Nurse (leaning over Ben and brushing her chest across his arm): Let me just grab your chart here, there we go. Ok, everything looks ok. I'll call Dr. Kaczmarek so she can examine you one more time before we discharge you. Hang in there Ben.
Ben: Thanks Maura.
Nurse Maura: Any time Ben.
(Nurse Maura leaves)
Ben (to Ross): I really like her. She's totally hot. Her boobs feel good on my arm.
Ross (not getting what Ben just said): Yeah, she's the hottest nurse I've ever seen. I wish I were the one that was sick.
Ben: So she could rub her boobs on you?
Ross: Amongst other things. (realizing what he just said) Ben, don't talk like that! You're 7….
Ben: I'm almost 9.
Ross: You're only almost 9, young boys like you don't fantasize about women like Nurse Maura. (Rachel enters the room) That's only something that grown ups should do.
Rachel: What's only something that grown ups should do?
Ross: Nothing. Nothing at all.
Ben: What Daddy meant to say is that grown ups should only fantasize about women like Nurse Maura. She's has great boobs.
Ben: What is she doing here?
Ross: That's your mother Ben. She's here because she cares about you.
Ben: She's not my mother. She's my mean stepmother and I don't want to see her.
Ross: Ben, don't talk about your mother that way. Mommy loves you very much and she's extremely sorry for what happened. (Ben raises his hand) Ben, you're not in class, you don't have to raise your hand to speak.
Ben: No, this means tell it to the hand. I'm not listening to either of you anymore.
Rachel (upset): I'm, I'm late for work. I'll, I'll, I'll call you later.
Ross (to Ben): We're not finished talking young man. (Ben raises his hand again) If you raise that hand one more time, I'm gonna break it in two. (Ross leaves Ben's room and runs after Rachel) Rachel! Rach, wait!
Rachel (turning around, with tears streaming down her face): What?
Ross: I'll fix this. Don't worry about it.
Rachel: Your son hates me.
Ross: He's just upset with you. And besides, he's your son too. I'll straighten this out.
Ross: I have no idea. (reaches into his pocket and hands Rachel a handkerchief) You better use this, your face is a mess.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey is asleep on his barcalounger. Monica enters to find Joey asleep. She goes into the refrigerator and grabs a pitcher of ice water and walks over to Joey. She slowly pulls the waistband on Joey's sweats away from his body. Joey, thinking it's Jenna, has a huge smile. In one swift motion, Monica pours the ice water down Joey's sweatpants, Joey screams and jumps out of the chair)
Joey: What the f^ck! Are you f^cking crazy Jenna? (notices Monica standing before him with the pitcher still in her hand) Where'd she go? I'm gonna kill that witch!
Monica: You should really lock your door when you take a nap Joey or a friend could come in a pour ice water down your pants.
Joey: You, you, you, I'm gonna kill you. My boys are absolutely frozen! (looks down his pants) My God! My penis is as small as Ross'!
Monica: You know how big Ross' penis is?
Joey: Rachel told me. I was down and needed a laugh.
Monica: I need your help.
Joey: Well you got a funny way of asking for it!
Monica: I'm sorry, but it was the perfect moment and I've always wanted to do that to someone.
Joey: Then do it to Chandler!
Monica: He never takes naps. Look, Chandler's birthday is coming up and I want to get him something really cool. But I don't have any idea what to get him.
Joey: And I do?
Monica: Well aren't you his best friend?
Joey (snapping his fingers): I got it! Get him a hooker for an evening, he's always wanted to score with a hooker.
(Monica looks at Joey in disgust)
TOYS R US (Phoebe is at her desk in front of Chandler's office. Donna, Chandler's boss, stops by to see Chandler)
Donna: It's good to see you again Regina.
Phoebe: No, no, my name is Phoebe. You must be thinking of one of my sisters. Regina Filange is one of my sisters. Actually there are three of us. Yeah, we're triplets.
Donna: So who are you?
Phoebe: I'm Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay.
Donna: Why is your last name different from Regina's?
Phoebe: Because Regina's been married. Filange was her married last name. She never changed it back to Buffay.
Donna: Ok. (pause) Wait a minute, I thought Regina was a lesbian?
Phoebe: She is.
Donna: Then why was she married?
Phoebe: Right, because she was confused. She thought she was straight but it turns out she wasn't. It's all very soap opera-ish.
Donna: That's very, very, very….
Donna: Yes, interesting. Where have I heard your name before?
Phoebe: Well I am one of Chandler's close friends, I'm sure he's brought me up in conversations.
Donna: No, no that's not it. I've seen you on video before. God, where'd I see you?
Phoebe: On a porn video.
Donna: That's it. You were the star of Phoebe Buffay, The Vampire Layer.
Phoebe: Actually that was my sister Ursula. She uses my name as her screen name so her boyfriend doesn't find out that she's making porn videos. You can tell us apart in person because she has a tattoo on her ankle and I don't.
Donna: You have a very interesting family.
Phoebe: Yup. It's just my two sisters and me. One's a lesbian, one's a porn star, and me, the rich one.
Donna: The rich one?
Phoebe: Yes, I'm worth $65 million. My grandmother hit the lottery on her death bed. She bequeathed her winnings to me.
Donna: I see. You don't have parents?
Phoebe: My mother killed herself and my Dad's a deadbeat. I haven't seen him in years.
Donna: That's terrible.
Phoebe: It's not so bad. I do have my Birth Mom.
Donna: Birth Mom?
Phoebe: Yeah, my Birth Mom had us triplets and then gave us to my Mom and Dad. They screwed us up from there.
Donna: Ok, I can't handle any more information today. I think I'm gonna go lie down.
Phoebe: Don't you wanna see Chandler?
Donna: Right, I need to speak to Chandler. I'm gonna go speak to Chandler now. Good day Ms. Buffay.
Phoebe: See you around.
Donna: Why are you here exactly?
Phoebe: Because Chandler needed a fill-in secretary and he asked me to help out.
Phoebe: Don't worry, you're not paying me anything. I'm only doing this for fun.
Donna: Good to hear. I'll be leaving now.
(Donna goes into Chandler's office)
Chandler: Hey Donna. What's up?
Donna: I just had a very interesting conversation with your temporary secretary Phoebe. She's had quite the life.
Chandler: That's a minor understatement.
Donna: I really like her.
Chandler: She's a great person.
Donna: No, I really like her.
Chandler: Ok. But I thought you didn't play for the other team?
Donna: Well I don't but….what I meant to say is good one. No, I want you to find a permanent spot for Phoebe in your department.
Chandler: But she's not qualified to do anything.
Donna: And you are?
Chandler: I'll get right on it.
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (Joey and Monica are present)
Monica: What are we doing here?
Joey: We're getting you Chandler's birthday present.
Joey: Where else would we go?
Monica: I thought we'd go to Bloomingdale's or Saks Fifth Avenue, not here.
Joey: Do you love Chandler?
Monica: No, I'm only married to him for his money.
Joey: In that case you should've married Phoebe. She's got plenty of money.
Monica: Seriously Joey, why are we here?
Joey: You're getting Chandler season tickets to the Knicks.
Monica: That's gonna cost a fortune! I don't have enough money to buy him season tickets to the Knicks.
Joey: You're only buying two tickets for 41 games. They don't have to be great seats, just close enough so he can see the cheerleaders dance during the timeouts.
Monica: Wait, why am I buying two tickets to each game?
Joey: Well he can't go by himself.
Monica: Why not? He has sex by himself.
Joey: All guys have sex by themselves. It's an ingrained behavior. Boys come out of the womb and the first thing they find is their penis. They immediately think, must play with penis. From there on out they look for opportunities to be alone to play with their equipment. It's kinda like women and shopping.
Monica: What are you talking about?
Joey: I really don't know. (pause) Are you gonna get him the tickets or not?
Monica: I don't know. How much is it going to cost?
Joey: About $3,000.
Monica: Are you crazy?! There's no way in hell I'm spending that much money on Chandler.
Joey: How much do you think your engagement ring is worth?
Monica: I don't know, $10,000.
Joey: There you go.
Monica: Is this some other stupid guy logic that I don't understand because I'm a woman?
Joey: He spent $10,000 on you. What's $3,000?
Monica: He bought me this to show his love for me and to ask me to be his wife for the rest of our lives!
Joey: Ok. What does Chandler do at night while you're working at the restaurant?
Monica: He watches Michael. (Joey starts laughing) What's so funny?
Joey: Hey, if that's what you think he does, then that's what he does.
Monica: He doesn't watch Michael?
Joey: No! He hires a babysitter to do that. He hangs out with me.
Monica: What do you guys do?
Joey: That's top secret information.
Joey: Let me put it this way, would you rather Chandler and I be at a basketball game or carousing around New York City, in say, an adult establishment?
Monica: Where's the ticket office?
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Ben and Ross are present)
Ross: You're grounded for three days when we get home.
Ben: What? What did I do?
Ross: You were mean to your mother.
Ben: She was mean to me first! She sent me to school when I told her that I was really sick!
Ross: Yes, yes she did. And she apologized to you for not believing you. She came here this morning because she really cares about you and you treated her like dirt. You don't treat someone I love very much like dirt.
Ben: I hate you!
Ross: You seem to hate everyone lately.
Ben: No, only you and Mommy. You're mean to me!
Ross: Ben, if I wanted to be mean to you, I wouldn't be here right now.
(Nurse Maura enters)
Ben: Whatever. Can you go now? I want to go to sleep.
Ross: Fine. I'll be back later.
Ben: Don't bother! I hate you! I don't need you or Mommy! I'll take care of myself!
Nurse Maura: How's my favorite patient doing?
Ross: He's fine. (pause) Did you check to see if he has a two by four up his butt?
Ben: I don't have a two by four up my butt!
Nurse Maura: What was that all about Ben?
Ben: I hate my Mommy and Daddy. They're mean to me. I don't need them.
Nurse Maura: Really? So where are you going to go when you leave here later today?
Ben: To California.
Nurse Maura: Who's in California?
Ben: My real Mommy.
Nurse Maura: How are you going to get there?
Ben: I'll walk if I have to.
Nurse Maura: That's a really far walk.
Ben: Yeah. But I'm young, I can walk forever.
Nurse Maura: Well I guess we should get you discharged before it gets dark out. A little boy could get lost in a big cold city like this. I'll be back. (Nurse Maura gets up to leave)
Ben: Nurse Maura?
Nurse Maura: Yeah Ben?
Ben: Can't I stay here until tomorrow and leave when it's sunny out?
Nurse Maura: Nope. You have to go today.
Ben: But where am I supposed to go?
Nurse Maura: That's why little boys have Mommy and Daddy's. They worry about stuff like that for you. But hey, you're ready to be on your own, at least until you get California. I'm sure you'll figure it all out.
(Nurse Maura leaves, Ben sits in bed scared)
Nurse Maura: If that won't do it, I don't know what will.
TOYS R US (Chandler is in his office. He calls for Phoebe over the intercom)
Chandler: Phoebe! Get your butt in here right now!
Phoebe (at her desk and answering back): Go f^ck yourself, I'm playing Tetris on the computer.
Chandler (to himself): She's already like a regular employee. (pushes the intercom button again) Ms. Buffay, could I see you for a minute?
Phoebe (answering back): I'll be right there Mr. Bing.
(Phoebe enters Chandler's office)
Chandler: How's it going out there?
Phoebe: This job is totally easy. The only person who called for you was Monica and I told her that you were busy.
Chandler: That's excellent! I didn't even have to tell you what to do when she calls and you did exactly what I wanted you to do.
Phoebe: Just a warning, be prepared to explain to Monica why you were screwing Paula from Collections.
Chandler: You didn’t!
Phoebe: No. I actually told her that it was Paul from Collections.
Chandler: Fine, as long as it wasn't another woman. Wait a minute, what the hell am I saying?
Phoebe: Monica didn't call. I'm just messing with ya. What do you need?
Chandler: How'd you like a full-time job?
Phoebe: Would I have to show up everyday?
Phoebe: Then I don't want a full-time job.
Chandler: But you have to. You have to want a full-time job.
Phoebe: No, no I don't. The only thing I want is to get married again but given the fact that all men are scum, I don't see that happening any time soon.
Chandler: Hey, I'm not scum.
Phoebe: Yes, but you're not a man now are you?
Chandler: Look, Donna wants you to work here.
Phoebe: She does?
Chandler: Yes. She told me I have to find a full-time position for you in my Department.
Phoebe: I'd be working for you?
Phoebe (laughing): Like you could control me.
Chandler: Look, you have to take the job or….
Phoebe: Or what?
Chandler: Or I'll have to disappoint Donna.
Phoebe: So, you're always disappointing people.
Chandler: Like who?
Phoebe: Monica for one.
Chandler: I do not disappoint Monica!
Phoebe: Must be someone else in your bedroom then.
Chandler: Look, do you want the job or not?
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?
Chandler: I haven't figured that out yet.
Phoebe: You want me to take a job not knowing what it is I'm gonna be doing? Who do you think I am, Joey?
Chandler: You could be my secretary.
Phoebe: No. It's gotta be better than that.
Chandler: But you're not qualified to do anything else.
Phoebe: Sure I am!
Chandler: Fine. What are you qualified to do?
Phoebe: Well I know how to answer the phone. I can type and take notes at meetings. I can set appointments too.
Chandler: Those are things that my secretary does for me.
Phoebe: But I don't want to be your secretary.
Phoebe: Ok, ok. I'll be your executive assistant.
Phoebe: It's a fancy name for a secretary.
Chandler: Consider yourself hired.
Phoebe: Not so fast.
Chandler: Now what?
Phoebe: What does it pay?
Chandler: Fine, I'll pay you $40,000 a year.
Phoebe: Forget it that's not enough.
Chandler: How much do you want?
Phoebe: I want $40,001.
Chandler: You've got a deal.
Phoebe: Nice doing business with you. I'm going back to my desk. Tetris beckons.
Chandler: I've done some stupid things in my career, but this one takes the cake.
Phoebe (from her desk): I heard that.
Chandler (looking down at the phone): Stupid intercom.
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Ross, Rachel, Nurse Maura, Dr. Kaczmarek and Ben are present. Ben is in his room being examined by Dr. Kaczmarek. Ross, Rachel and Nurse Maura are in the hall outside Ben's room)
Nurse Maura: He's going to be a little sore for a couple of days, but other than that, he's perfectly fine.
Ross: Thanks for all your help, we really appreciate it.
Nurse Maura: It's been my pleasure. He's a great little boy.
Rachel: Can we see him now?
Nurse Maura: Why don't we wait until Dr. Kaczmarek is done with her examination. She'll be right out.
(cut to inside Ben's room)
Dr. Kaczmarek: Well Ben, it looks like you're ready to go home.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Yes. You're free to go.
Ben: My Mommy and Daddy aren't coming to pick me up?
Dr. Kacmarek: No. You told Nurse Maura that you were going to California. She told your Mommy and Daddy and they wish you a safe trip.
Ben: But I don't want to go to California. I want to stay here in New York.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Then why did you say that you wanted to go to California?
Ben: Because I was mad at my Mommy and Daddy. I'm not mad at them anymore.
Dr. Kaczmarek: That's too bad. But look on the bright side, they bought you some new shoes so you don't wear your old ones out on your long walk to California.
Ben: But I don't want to go to California! It's dark out and I don't know how to get there!
Dr. Kaczmarek: Well what do you want to do?
Ben: I want to stay here.
Dr. Kaczmarek: You can't stay here Ben. You're all better now. You told Nurse Maura that you were ready to be on your own. You've made your decision and your parents are not going to stand in your way. If you need some money for a hotel room or something, I can give you some. Now go get changed.
Ben: But Dr. Kaczmarek, I'm scared!
Dr. Kaczmarek: You'll be fine Ben. You're a big boy now.
(Dr. Kaczmarek leaves and joins Ross, Rachel and Nurse Maura in the hall)
Ross: Is everything set?
Dr. Kacmarek: Yes. But I gotta tell you, I don't like this plan one bit. We could scar the boy for life.
Rachel: What in God's name is going on?
Ross: It's Mommy time.
Ross: It's time for the caring Mommy to go in and rescue her son.
Nurse Maura: Dr. Kaczmarek and myself, with Ross' blessing, have told Ben that he's on his own. He told me he wanted to go to California to be with his real Mommy because you and Ross were mean. Ben's been told that you and Ross aren't coming to pick him up to take him home. All you have to do is go in there and tell him that he can come home.
Rachel (to Ross): This is your stupid plan?! You're gonna scare the boy to a heart attack!
Ross: I didn't know what else to do. After you left, he got mad at me because I defended you. He now hates me too.
Rachel: You and me are having a long talk when we get home. (Rachel goes into Ben's room)
Ross: She's not being serious.
Dr. Kaczmarek: I think she is, and I honestly don't blame her.
Ross: Neither do I.
(cut to Ben's room)
Rachel: Ben? Ben, are you still in here?
Ben (emerging from the bathroom): Mommy?
Rachel: Hey kiddo. I'm here to pick you up. Are you ready to go home?
Ben: I don't have to go to California?
Rachel: Not if you don't want to. Mommy wants you to stay. That's why I'm here. Do you want to come home?
Ben: Yes! (rushes over to Rachel and gives her a big hug) I'm sorry Mommy! I didn't mean to be mean to you!
Rachel: I'm sorry too Ben. I promise I'll listen to you the next time your sick.
Ben: I love you Mommy.
Rachel: I love you too Ben.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Michael's down for the night. Chandler and Monica are in bed)
Monica: Your birthday is tomorrow.
Chandler: It is?
Monica: Yeah. You actually forgot?
Chandler: I stopped counting after I turned 30.
Monica: What? Are you a woman or something? (pause) Never mind.
Chandler: Funny. You're very funny.
Monica: I got you something special for your birthday.
Chandler: You pierced your nipples?
Chandler: I guess that dream won't come true anytime soon. What'd you get me?
Monica: I'm not telling you now.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I just think you'd look really cool with pierced nipples.
Chandler: Well I like the way they look on Phoebe, I'd figure they'd look even better on you.
Monica: You, you were looking at Phoebe's breasts?
Chandler: No, no. Remember? We walked in on her and Joey having sex on our couch. That's the only time I've seen her boobs.
Monica: It better be.
Chandler: So what'd you get me?
Monica: Ok, close your eyes.
Chandler: Oh, very sexy. Just don't sit on my face without warning me first.
Monica (disgusted): You can open your eyes now.
Chandler: You're, you're not naked. You're still fully clothed.
Monica: And you can count that out as part of your birthday present too.
Chandler: What did you get me? What did you get me?
Monica: You're gonna have to wait until tomorrow.
Chandler (looking at the clock): Ha, it just turned 12:01. It's officially tomorrow. Give me my present!
Monica: I don't have a present for you yet. I'm taking this one back. You don't deserve this present.
Chandler: I love you.
Monica: You're gonna have to do better than that.
Chandler: I love you and you rule the world.
Monica: Ok. Close your eyes.
Chandler: You're gonna get naked now?
Monica: Do you want the present or not?
Monica: Ok, open your eyes.
Chandler (he does): You're still clothed! You really suck at this sexy birthday present thing.
Monica: According to Joey, I got you something even better than a sexy birthday present.
Chandler: Huh? To Joey, the only thing sexier than a sexier birthday present are season tickets to the Knicks. (Monica just smiles at Chandler) You got me season tickets to the Knicks?
Monica: Happy Birthday honey.
Chandler: Wow! This is so cool. This is so much better than having sex with your wife. (realizing what he said) I didn't say that. I love having sex with you.
Monica: It's still not gonna happen.
Chandler: But it's my birthday!
Monica: So? I got you season tickets to the Knicks. The way I look at it is that I don't have to have sex with you if I don't feel like it.
Chandler: Ok. But if we don't have sex, we'll never conceive that second kid that you want so badly.
Monica: Would you like me to sit on your face or go straight to the lone soldier first?
Chandler: It's my birthday, surprise me. (Chandler gets a startled look on his face) Ah, that wasn't one of the choices.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are in bed)
Joey: Man, what a day.
Jenna: You didn’t do anything, how can you say that?
Joey: Hey, I helped Monica pick out Chandler's birthday present. That was a lot of work.
Jenna: You merely went to the ticket office with Monica.
Joey: Yes, but we walked there instead of taking a cab. That's a long walk.
Jenna: When's your birthday again?
Joey: It's February 11th.
Jenna: I got you an early present.
Jenna: Because nature demanded it.
Jenna: I'm pregnant.