THE ONE WITH CAITLIN'S FIRST BIRTHDAY
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Ross and Chandler are present. Joey is in obvious discomfort)
Chandler: Are you alright there Joe?
Joey: I'm fine.
Ross: You don't look so good.
Joey: Really I'm fine. My lunch's is not agreeing with me, that's all.
Chandler: What'd you have for lunch?
Joey: Two burrito supremes from Taco Bell, a bucket of extra crispy chicken from Kentucky Fried Chicken, a double whopper from Burger King and half of an ex-large pepperoni pizza from Tony's.
Ross: You're describing a whole week's worth of lunches for a normal person, it's no wonder that you're feeling sick.
Joey: Are you kidding me? I have that for lunch everyday.
Joey: Yeah, I eat that for lunch everyday. Of course I usually have a sandwich from Subway too, but I wasn't that hungry today.
Chandler: You eat more food for lunch than what an Ethiopian eats in an entire year.
Joey: I really don't think it's what I ate for lunch that has my stomach in an uproar.
Ross: How could it not be?
Joey: I think it was the two dozen chocolate donuts I had for breakfast that did the trick. I should know better than to have all that fatty food at breakfast. Like my Mom always says, if you can't eat right, then you shouldn't eat at all.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica's old apartment. Phoebe, Monica and Rachel are present)
Monica: I really like what you've done with the place Pheebs.
Phoebe: What's wrong with it?
Monica: Well for one thing, your couch doesn't even match the color of the walls. And don't get me started on what you did to the kitchen.
Phoebe: You're right. And you know what, I don't care. I like this apartment the way it is. My furniture adds life to this apartment. Yeah, this apartment finally has life after suffering for nine years with you living in it.
Rachel: Well as enjoyable as this conversation is, we've got a birthday party to plan here people.
Phoebe: Why do you need our help exactly?
Rachel: I've never thrown a birthday party before.
Phoebe: You threw Ross a party for his birthday last year.
Rachel: Pheebs, dressing up in only a leather jacket is not throwing a birthday party.
Monica: You should tell Ross that. He definitely thought it was a trip to the amusement park, it's all he talked about for two months.
Joey: Ladies. Do you have any food Phoebe?
Phoebe: Not for you.
Joey (opening up the refrigerator): What are you talking about? You've got three slices of vegetarian pizza right here. Oh cool, you have root beer too. Thanks. I'll see you guys later.
Phoebe: He keeps stealing all of my food!
Rachel: Technically he didn't steal it, you were standing right there. You could've stopped him.
Phoebe: My Birth Mom told me never ever stand in front of a feeding bear.
Monica: Get used to it Phoebe, he was constantly raiding Chandler and I's food when we lived here. Why do you think we moved?
Phoebe: I thought you moved because Chandler bought you a new flat?
Monica: That and we needed to get our food bill under control and the only way to do that was to get away from Joey.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Chandler, Caitlin and Michael are present. They're changing diapers)
Chandler: Well I know what Michael got Caitlin for her birthday present. (shows Ross what's inside Michael's diaper)
Ross: Careful there man, Caitlin's older than Michael.
Ross: This is what she'd get Michael if it were his birthday. (shows Chandler what's inside Caitlin's diaper. Chandler starts to gag)
Chandler: You win. Can we just finish changing their diapers please?
Ross: So how's the new place working out?
Chandler: I really like it. I'm not sure if Monica does or not.
Chandler: She hasn't stopped re-decorating since we moved in. She's painted every room, stripped the floors and re-done the bathroom and kitchen.
Ross: So? She's just making it home.
Chandler: It looks exactly like our old apartment.
Chandler: You walk into our new flat and it looks exactly like our old apartment, except it's on a bigger scale. The woman has lost her mind.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are present)
Jenna: Do we have any ice cream?
Joey: No. (pause) Wait a minute, we might. I'll be right back.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Monica and Rachel are present)
Rachel: So should we have a surprise party for Caitlin?
Monica: Rach, Caitlin's only gonna be one, she's not even going to comprehend that she's having a birthday. I think we can get by having a regular party for her.
Phoebe: I agree. If you surprise her, she might cry through the entire party.
Joey: Do you have any ice cream Phoebe?
Phoebe: No, no more food for you!
Joey (opening the freezer): Cool, chocolate chip. Thanks Phoebe. (Joey leaves)
Phoebe: Did you see that? Did you see that? He completely ignored me saying no!
Monica: Huh, kinda like Chandler when I tell him that I'm not in the mood.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Ross, Michael and Caitlin are present)
Chandler: Do you remember Cindy Magana from college?
Ross: Cindy, Cindy Magana….oh, (making a gesture of big boobs) Cindy Magana. How could I forget her? Didn't she win the Ms. Mammary contest every year that she went to school?
Ross: Why are you bringing up Cindy Magana after all these years?
Chandler: How long have we been out of college?
Ross: Me or you?
Chandler: We finished college at the same time Ross.
Ross: No, I finished my Doctoral studies at the same time you finished your undergraduate studies. After all, you did have to repeat Japanese four times.
Chandler: Fine smart ass, how long has it been since we got out of school?
Ross: I dunno, at least ten years.
Chandler: Our class reunion is in a week. Cindy Magana is the head of the reunion entertainment committee and she wants me to be on it.
Chandler: I can't work on a committee with her, I won't be able to concentrate.
Ross: You a married man Chandler. You're not allowed to ogle good-looking women anymore.
Chandler: I know, I know. So will you do it instead?
Chandler: Why not?
Ross: And subject myself to the temptation that is Cindy Magana? I don't think so.
(A voluptuous woman enters Central Perk)
Chandler: Come on, you have more practice at repelling women then I do.
Ross: I'm definitely not helping you now.
Chandler (turning around): Cindy! What are you doing here?
Cindy: You told me to meet you here.
Chandler: Right. You remember Ross Geller right?
Cindy: I'm sorry, I don't remember you. I'm Cindy Magana.
Ross: Yes, I know. Chandler can't stop talking about you. He's really looking forward to working with you on the entertainment committee for our reunion. (Chandler glares at Ross)
Cindy: Wait a minute, I do think I remember you. Weren't you dating Carol Willick in college?
Ross: Yes, yes I was. Actually we got married.
Cindy: Really? I thought Carol played for the other team.
Ross: Carol was straight in college. She didn't turn to lesbianism until after we got married.
Cindy: Huh, she told me the night that we got together that she was a lesbian. I guess she lied.
Chandler (laughing): You got together with Carol in college?
Cindy: Yeah, she was totally hot. I haven't been the same since falling for her. She's the reason I became a lesbian.
Ross: Yeah I know what you mean, I haven't been the same either. (Cindy looks at Ross oddly) Not that I became a lesbian, she just made my life a living hell.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Monica and Rachel are present)
Rachel: Can we have the birthday party here Pheebs?
Monica: What? No way, that's no fair. The parties are always at my place.
Phoebe: Yes, but you decided to move away. From now on, my place is party central.
Monica: I moved down the street. It's not like I moved to the murder capital of the world.
Rachel: Mon, you already live in the murder capital of the world.
Monica: Well if Phoebe moved away, maybe we wouldn't have such a high murder rate.
Phoebe: Do you want to be next?
Rachel: Ok, then it's settled. The party is here tomorrow. Monica, you're in charge of the food, Phoebe you're in charge of the decorations, and I'll invite everyone.
Monica: Everyone's already been invited.
Rachel: Then I guess my job is done.
Phoebe: Get out!
Phoebe: Stop stealing my food!
Joey: I'm not here for food.
Phoebe: Oh. (Joey goes into the refrigerator) Stop stealing my food!
Joey (emerging with a root beer): I told you, I'm not stealing your food.
Phoebe: Then what's in your hand?
Joey: A root beer, which isn't food. It's a drink. See you guys later.
Rachel: Looks like he got you on a technicality.
Phoebe: And my lawyer will get me off on a technicality after I kill him by shoving that soda bottle up his ass.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S FLAT (Monica is making dinner as Chandler and Michael enter)
Monica: Hey honey.
Chandler: Hey. (Michael makes a gurgling sound) Yeah, if you didn't catch that, that was hey Mom.
Monica: How was boys' day out?
Chandler: The usual stuff. He peed, I changed him. He went do-do, I changed him. He cried, I fed him. He slept, I jumped for joy.
Monica: Now you know how I spend my day when I'm watching Michael.
Chandler: Yeah, I guess. (pause) Can we send him back?
Chandler: Can we send him back? You know, you can spread your legs and I can shove Michael back into your uterus.
Monica: It's not that bad.
Chandler: I know. Really can we send him back?
Monica: No. You impregnated me, now you have to live with the consequences.
Chandler: Yes, but you made me impregnate you.
Monica: I did not!
Chandler: Maybe I was just drunk then. Anyway, I've got some news.
Chandler: Ross and I's college reunion is next week.
Monica: Ok. Are we going?
Chandler: If you want to.
Monica: I'll have Phoebe cover for me that night.
Chandler: Ok. I'm gonna go shower.
Monica: Wait. Wait a minute. What's this news that you're afraid to tell me?
Chandler: I'm not hiding anything.
Monica: I guess you've finally learned what happens to you when you hide stuff from me. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, go shower.
Chandler: Ok. (walks into the bedroom and then re-emerges) Ah, I have to work on a reunion committee with a beautiful lesbian.
Monica: A what?
Chandler: A lesbian.
Monica: You said "a beautiful lesbian".
Chandler: I did?
Monica: If she's lesbian, why would I care that you're working on a reunion committee with her?
Chandler: Good point. I'm gonna go shower.
Monica: Caitlin's birthday party is tomorrow.
Chandler: Yeah I know. Michael already gave her his present.
Monica: What was that?
Chandler: Whatever he had for dinner last night.
Monica: Bring the hot lesbian to the birthday party tomorrow.
Chandler (emerging from the bedroom): Why?
Monica: I've never met a beautiful lesbian before. Maybe I'll switch teams and leave you for her.
Chandler: You knew Carol.
Monica: Ok, no offense to Carol, but she was hardly a beautiful lesbian.
Chandler: Yeah, I'll make sure I forward that news to Ross.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (The next morning. 5 a.m. Caitlin and Ben are still asleep. Ross is asleep. Rachel however, isn't)
Rachel (whispering): Ross? (no answer) Ross? Are you awake? (Ross rolls over) Ross? (no answer) Ross!
Rachel: Are you awake?
Ross: I am now!
Rachel: Today's the day.
Ross: Just like any other day. Now will you let me sleep?
Rachel (pushing Ross): Come on, it's Caitlin's birthday! It's time to get up!
Ross: Rachel, Caitlin's only a year old and she has no idea that today's her birthday. Now go back to bed.
Rachel: I'm not tired.
Ross: Well I am. Come on, it's only 5 in the morning, please, I need sleep.
Rachel: Ok, I'll let you go back to bed. (Rachel leaves the bedroom. She comes back with Caitlin, who is crying) Ross?
Rachel: Caitlin's crying.
Ross: That's because you woke her up. (Ross tries to sleep through Caitlin's crying. After a few minutes, he gives up) You win. I can't take this anymore. (Ross grabs Caitlin from Rachel and walks out to the family room)
Rachel (basking in her victory): I am so sly.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Everyone is present including Mr. & Mrs. Geller and Mrs. Green)
Joey (to Chandler): I hear you invited a hot lesbian to the party.
Chandler: At Monica's request, I invited her to stop by.
Joey: I've never known a real hot lesbian before.
Chandler: You've known Susan and Carol.
Joey: Ok, Susan was a lesbian but she wasn't hot and Carol keeps switching teams, she doesn't count.
(Cut to Ross, Mr. Geller and Mrs. Green)
Ross: Thanks for coming guys.
Mrs. Green: Oh please Ross, I'd never miss my little granddaughter's birthday. That's only something my ex-husband would do.
Ross: Ah Mrs. Green, Dr. Green passed away.
Mrs. Green: Of course he did Ross, but does he look present to you?
(Mrs. Green walks away, Ross shakes his head in confusion)
Mr. Geller: So Rachel tells me you're having another baby.
Ross: We're thinking about it.
Mr. Geller: Better tell her that. She told your Mom and I that she's already pregnant.
Mr. Geller: She came over and thanked us for coming and then told your Mom and I that she was pregnant again. Why are you acting so surprised, I thought you already knew.
(cut to Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Mrs. Geller)
Rachel: Isn't this the cutest little jumper?
Phoebe: I made it myself.
Monica: You did not!
Phoebe: Damn, I forgot you were there when I bought it.
(Ross joins the group. Before he can say anything, Mrs. Geller starts talking)
Mrs. Geller: There you are dear, I've been meaning to find you to tell you congratulations.
Monica: Mom, Caitlin's the one having the birthday, not Ross.
Mrs. Geller: I realize that dear, but Ross and Rachel are expecting again.
Mrs. Geller: Oh dear, you haven't told anyone yet. I'm so sorry Rachel.
Rachel: It's ok.
Ross: Ah Rach, can I speak to you out in the hall for minute?
Rachel: Maybe a little later. Ok, who's ready to open birthday gifts?
Phoebe: We already did that Rachel. Man, pregnancy's really screwed up your mind already.
Rachel: Did we cut the cake?
Ross: Now Rachel.
Rachel: I guess I'll be right back.
(Ross and Rachel go to leave, as Ross opens the door, Cindy Magana enters)
Cindy: Is this the birthday party?
Ross: Yeah Cindy. Go ahead in.
(Ross closes the door behind him. Cut to Cindy inside)
Monica: Hey, you must be Cindy.
Cindy: Hi. And who are you?
Monica: I'm Monica, Chandler's wife.
Cindy: Oh, he's always talking about you. It's great to finally meet you.
Monica: He's always talking about me?
Cindy: Yeah. You seem much nicer than how he describes you.
(Chandler approaches, Joey is following him closely)
Chandler: Hey Cindy.
Monica (to Chandler): When Ross and Rachel are done talking in the hall, then it's you and me. Got it?
Joey: Hi, Joey Tribbiani.
Cindy: Hi, Cindy Magana.
Chandler: Can I get you something to drink or anything?
Cindy: Water would be great. Where can I put my coat?
Phoebe: Hi, I'm Phoebe. This is my apartment. You can put your coat in that room over there. And I must say, you're the hottest lesbian I've ever met. If I weren't involved in a serious relationship right now, I'd ask you out myself.
Cindy: Well I'm flattered.
Phoebe: Honey, you're anything but flattered, your chest is bigger than mine and Monica's combined and that's saying something 'cause my hooters are fake.
(cut to the hallway to Ross and Rachel)
Rachel: It's some party huh?
Ross: Why did you tell my parents that you're pregnant?
Rachel: It slipped.
Ross: It slipped? You let the fact that you inherited $500,000 from your deceased father slip, not the fact that you may or may not be pregnant. My parents are congratulating me for getting you pregnant again and I have no idea what they're talking about. Do you know how embarrassing that is? So I'm only gonna ask you this once, are you pregnant?
Rachel (after a long pause): Define being pregnant.
Ross: I don't have time for games Rach! Now are you pregnant or not?
Rachel: I'm a maybe.
Rachel: I might be pregnant. I haven't taken the test to be sure yet.
Ross: How late are you?
Rachel: I'm not late.
Ross: Then how do you know that you're pregnant?
Rachel: I can just tell.
Ross: What? Is this some sort of ESP medicine that you're practicing?
Rachel: I've been throwing up after meals for two days. At first I thought it was just the flu or something, but now I really think that I'm pregnant.
Ross: And you decided to tell my parents first that you might be pregnant instead of telling your husband.
Rachel: Well they asked how we were doing and I meant to say that we're trying to get pregnant, it came out that I am pregnant. And I didn't tell you first because I'm not sure that the baby is yours.
Rachel: It could be the mailman's.
Ross: A mailwoman delivers our mail Rach.
Rachel: Can I help it she owns a strap on?
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Michael's asleep)
Monica (emerging from the bedroom): Honey?
Chandler (quickly changing the channel on the TV): Not now, I'm watching the baseball game.
Monica: Really? Who's playing?
Chandler: The teams.
Monica: And they are?
Chandler: Ok, fine. I'm watching soft-core porn on the Playboy Channel.
Monica: Come here for a minute.
Chandler: Do I have to? This model's about to take her top off.
Chandler (getting up): Just so you know, I'm only doing this because you're the only person I get to have sex with now that I'm married.
Monica: And I wouldn't count that egg before it hatches either.
(Chandler walks into the bedroom. It looks exactly like their old bedroom in the apartment)
Chandler: My God!
Monica: Do you like it?
Chandler: It's like we never moved.
Monica: You don't like it?
Chandler: No, no I do. I really do. It's just that….
Monica: It's just that what?
Chandler: It's just that it looks exactly like our old bedroom.
Chandler: So I thought when we moved here that you'd decorate the place with a new theme. Instead, you've decorated it exactly like our old apartment.
Monica (dejected): Oh.
Chandler: Hey, it's not that I don't like it, 'cause I do. I guess I just thought that you'd decorate the place differently, that's all. But if you want our new place to look like our old apartment, then that's fine with me.
Monica: Great! I like it the way it is. I'm gonna go shower.
(Chandler emerges from the bedroom)
Chandler: She really needs a psychiatrist. (There's a knock on the door - Chandler answers it)
Cindy! What are you doing here?
Cindy: I was in the neighborhood and I decided to stop by. Monica said that I could come and see the new place, I hope you don't mind.
Chandler: No, not at all. It's just that Monica's in the shower right now.
Cindy: Oh. I can come back. I really wanted to see her.
Chandler (laughing): Why? Do you have a thing for my wife?
Cindy: Maybe. See ya Chandler. (Cindy leaves and closes the door. Chandler stands in shock)
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Mitch and Phoebe are watching TV. Joey enters the apartment to raid the refrigerator)
Joey: Hey Pheebs. What's up Mitch?
Mitch: Hey Joey.
Phoebe: Why are you here?
Joey: Jenna and I don't have any food.
Phoebe: Well I don't have any food for you.
Joey: Come on, I'll replace everything I eat.
Phoebe: No. This gravy train is closed.
Joey: You have gravy?
Phoebe: Get out of the refrigerator now!
Joey: Ok, ok. I won't eat anymore food. (pause) Can I at least have a root beer?
Joey: It's a root beer. I'll buy you some first thing tomorrow. I promise.
Phoebe: No! Now go home.
(Joey closes the refrigerator and smuggles a root beer under his shirt)
Joey: Thanks for nothing Phoebe.
Phoebe: You're welcome. Now get out!
Mitch: He took a root beer anyway.
Phoebe: I know.
Mitch: But you told him not too.
Phoebe: I know. But he never listens to me anyway.
Mitch: So you're just gonna let him take your drinks anyway?
Phoebe: After he drinks that root beer, he won't be stealing from me anymore.
Mitch: Why not?
Phoebe: Because I drank the root beer in those bottles and replaced it with my pee.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Ben and Caitlin are present)
Ross (emerging from his bedroom): Ben? Ben?
Ben: Yeah Daddy?
Ross (notices Ben in front of the TV): Why are you watching TV?
Ben: Because I'm bored.
Ross: Did you forget something?
Ben: I don't think so.
Ross: You're still grounded. Shut off the TV and go read a book.
Ben: But I already read all of my books.
Ross: Then here, read this.
Ben: What's this?
Ross: It's Daddy's lecture for tomorrow.
Ben (whining): But I'm not ready to go to sleep yet.
Ross: You will be after reading that, now go.
(Rachel emerges from the bathroom)
Rachel: Where's Caitlin?
Ross: I thought she was with you.
Rachel: No, I tend to like going potty alone.
Ross (panicking): Caitlin? Caitlin?
Rachel: How could you let her out of your sight?!
Ross: I thought she was with you!
(Ross and Rachel look down the hall, Caitlin comes gingerly walking towards them)
Rachel: Oh my God!
Ross: Well I'll be damned.
Rachel: Come here baby, come see Mommy.
(Caitlin slowly makes her way to Rachel's arms. Rachel picks her up)
Ross: Wow! That's all I can say. She's walking!
Rachel (with tears in her eyes): That's so sweet. Her birthday present to herself is taking her first steps. This is so exciting. Her little brother or sister will regret that they didn't get to see her take her first steps.
Ross: You're? You're pregnant?
Rachel: No. The test was negative.
Ross: Then why did you say that?
Rachel: Because it's just a matter of time until I am pregnant.
(Ben emerges from his bedroom)
Ben: Why are you guys being so loud? I'm trying to read Daddy's boring lecture.
Rachel: Caitlin took her first steps. Isn't that exciting?
Ben: I guess.
Ross: I thought you'd be excited to know that Caitlin took her first steps. In a couple of months she'll be walking well enough to follow you around the apartment.
Ben: I know. She's already started doing that.
Rachel: What are you talking about?
Ben: Caitlin's been walking for about a week.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Chandler and Monica are in bed. Michael's asleep in his room)
Chandler: I was thinking about taking you to lunch tomorrow on my lunch hour.
Monica: Oh that's so sweet, but I can't, I have plans.
Chandler: You have plans?
Monica: Yeah, Cindy and I are getting together for lunch.
Chandler: Cindy, as in lesbian Cindy?
Monica: Yeah. What, are you jealous?
Chandler: No. I just didn't think you needed any more friends.
Monica: Yeah, we talked about getting some lunch and then eating some pie for dessert.
Chandler: You're gonna eat pie? You're gonna eat pie with Cindy?
Monica: Yeah. Cindy says she knows this place where they serve the pie hot and moist. She says it's to die for.
Chandler: And you do know that Cindy is a lesbian.
Monica: Yeah, so?
Chandler: Just checking.
Monica: Seriously, what's the big deal?
Chandler: Nothing, it's nothing.
Monica: Come on, tell me.
Chandler: Fine. Pie to a lesbian is a euphemism for, well you know, a female body part located down there.
Monica: You know what, you really are sick.