THE ONE WITH THE NEW FLAT
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Ross and Chandler are present)
Joey: Aren't you moving this week?
Ross: What moving company did you hire?
Chandler: Tribbiani & Geller Moving Services.
Ross: I don't think so.
Chandler: Come on, I helped you move a thousand times.
Joey: Funny, I've never heard of Tribbiani & Geller Moving Services. Are they new to the area?
Ross: He's talking about you and I you idiot.
Joey: Oh. Forget it, I'm not helping you move.
Chandler: Why not?
Joey: Because Monica's a Nazi. If we break one thing she'll expect us to pay for it. No way, I just paid you $10,000, my work here is done.
Chandler: I'll let you move the box with Monica's panties in it.
Joey (thinking): No, no, I already know what Monica's panties look like. They're not nearly as nice as Rachel's.
Ross (mad): You looked at my wife's panties?
Joey: Thousands of times. Do you think I go into your bedroom to look at yours when I visit?
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Everyone is present. There are moving boxes everywhere)
Joey: Where's the box of panties?
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Where's the box that has your drawers in it?
Monica: You are not touching my panties.
Joey: Who said anything about touching? I just like to smell them.
Joey: Oops, I forgot you were here.
Phoebe: Ah Chandler, what do you want me to do with the box full of Penthouses?
Monica: You have a box full of Penthouses?
Ross (taking one out of the box): Cool, you have the one with Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.
Rachel: We're here to move things people, not look at porn.
Ross: You've obviously never seen Pamela Anderson naked.
Rachel: And if you don't put down that magazine right now you'll never see me naked again. (Ross puts the magazine back)
Chandler: Throw the magazines out Phoebe.
Ben: Can I have them Uncle Chandler?
Chandler: Sure. (Ross and Rachel shoot Chandler a look) No, they're not for young boys.
Joey: Then what were you doing with the magazines in the first place Chandler?
Phoebe: From the way these pages are sticking together, I can surmise a guess.
Monica: Phoebe! Ben is present!
Ben: It's ok Auntie Monica, it's not like I've never seen a naked woman before. Daddy has a box full of Playboys in his closet.
Ross (to Ben): How'd you find those?
Ben: I dunno.
Ross: Were you rooting through our closet again?
Ben: No. Caitlin and I were playing hide and seek.
Ross: You are to stay out of our bedroom. Do you hear me?
Ben: Yes Daddy. (pause) Daddy, what was the long thing that vibrates when you turn it on that was on Mommy's side of the closet? (Rachel turns beet red)
Phoebe: Hey Ben, why don't you and I go take out the trash?
Ben: Ok. (Phoebe and Ben leave)
Rachel: I've never been so embarrassed.
Monica: Don't worry about, I'm sure Ben saw worse things when he was living with Carol and Susan.
Rachel: What could be worse than my vibrator?
Monica: Two words. Strap on.
CUT TO AN HOUR LATER
Mitch (entering the apartment): Did someone order some pizzas?
Joey (emerging from the bathroom): The pizzas are here!
Monica: Never mind. Are we ready to start carrying stuff out to the truck?
Chandler: Is the truck here?
Monica: I would hope so. You called for it right?
Chandler: Was I supposed to do that?
Monica: You didn't call for the truck?
Chandler: I thought you were going to.
Rachel: Please, please tell me that someone called for the stupid truck.
Phoebe: I called for the truck. It should be here any minute now.
Monica: Good. (pause) Wait, why did you call for the truck?
Phoebe: Because a week ago I had a dream that we were all standing in this apartment on your moving day wondering why no one had called for the truck. So the next morning I got up and arranged for a truck for you.
Monica: Well thanks Phoebe. You saved Chandler from a good ole fashion whooping.
Chandler: Yeah Pheebs, my ass appreciates it very much.
Mitch: You know, I gotta say that I thought that all your psychic talk was just a bunch of crap, but this definitely proves that you have a gift.
Phoebe (sexily): Wait 'til we're done moving and share my other gifts with you.
Ben: You two are gonna have sex aren't you?
Ross: We don't talk about people's private lives.
Ben: But that's what Auntie Phoebe said she was gonna do with Mitch when we finished moving.
Rachel: She didn't say that.
Ben: Yes she did. She said it when we were taking out the garbage earlier.
Phoebe: I think I hear the truck now. I'll go meet the driver out front.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S NEW FLAT (Everyone is present)
Rachel: Wow! This place is incredible!
Chandler: And this is just the kitchen and family room. You should see the bedrooms, they are huge.
Joey (to Chandler): Something has to be huge here and God knows it isn't you.
Phoebe: Hey, no fair! That's my joke!
Jenna: What did this cost you Chandler? That's if you don't mind me asking.
Chandler: It was only $700,000.
Chandler: Relax, our mortgage is only $300,000.
Ross: Wait a minute, you said you only put $300,000 down. Where did the other $100,000 come from?
Phoebe: From me!
Monica: Please, please don't tell me that you're moving into the spare bedroom.
Phoebe: Oh, I should've thought of that. No, it's a gift to you and Chandler. I needed to gift some money for tax purposes so I gave some money to Chandler.
Rachel (to Ross): We are finding a place in Scarsdale tomorrow.
Joey: What are you giving Chandler money for? Chandler makes more money than any of us.
Phoebe: Well none of you were buying a house or a flat right now so I gave the money to him. And besides Joey, you owe me at least $100,000. My gift to you is that I'm forgiving your debt.
Joey: I can live with that.
Rachel: How much money a year do you make Chandler?
Rachel: Well it looks like you've been demoted to second string, I make more than you.
Monica: You do?
Rachel: $25,000 more.
Phoebe: Well I guess you and Ross won't need my help when you buy your house in Scarsdale.
Ross: Way to go Rach. We just lost out on a free $100 grand.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S OLD APARTMENT (Everyone is present. The place is empty)
Monica: I can't believe I'm leaving this apartment.
Phoebe: I can't believe that I'm moving in.
Phoebe: I'm moving in. Chandler didn't tell you?
Chandler: Phoebe leased this place. She moves in next week.
Ross: How'd you manage that Phoebe? There's like a waiting list as long as Rip Van Winkle's beard to get into this building.
Joey: Who's Rip Van Winkle?
Chandler: The Boogeyman's cousin.
Phoebe: You see, I'm subleasing this space from Monica and Chandler who in turn were subleasing it from Monica's dead grandmother. So Chandler and Monica get a new place, and I get a rent-controlled apartment.
Rachel: That's no fair! Ross and I should get to live in this apartment. Before Chandler moved in, I lived with Monica.
Ross: Ah honey, we have an apartment. If you look out the window you can see it.
Rachel: Yeah, but that place is a hole compared to this apartment. I wanna live in this apartment.
Phoebe: Well you can't because I'm living here.
Rachel: I'll flip you for it.
Phoebe: I, unlike you and Monica, aren't stupid enough to bet this apartment.
Jenna (to Joey): What is she talking about?
Joey: Monica and Rachel lost this apartment to Chandler and I five years in a bet. I'd still be living here if Rachel and Monica hadn't switched the apartments back when Chandler and I were at the basketball game.
Jenna: You guys really do some strange things.
Phoebe: So who's gonna help me move in?
Rachel: You can count me and Ross out.
Phoebe: That's ok, I'm not losing much, though you can lift heavier objects than Ross.
Ross: Hey! I've been working out.
Phoebe: Ross, running to the fridge and back to the couch is not working out.
Ross: Now I'm definitely not helping you.
Phoebe: I'll give you and Rachel $50,000 if you help.
Rachel: Count us in.
Joey: How much do I get?
Phoebe: Let me put it this way, you can either owe me the $100,000 or you can help me move.
Joey: Say no more.
Phoebe: And of course Monica and Chandler are helping me move.
Monica: We are?
Chandler: Yeah, that $100,000 gift came with stipulations.
Monica: It did?
Chandler: We're pretty much Phoebe's slaves for the rest of the century. She says jump, we ask how high?
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Michael's asleep. Monica and Chandler are in bed)
Monica: I've gotta say it. You've really outdone yourself this time. I really love this place.
Chandler: Well I'm glad you like it.
Monica: I'm gonna jump in the shower.
Monica: You're not gonna join me?
Chandler: You don't know how to take a shower by yourself?
Monica (sexily): I was hoping that you could give me a hand with those hard to reach spots.
Chandler: Oh. Will you help me reach those same spots?
Monica: If you're nice to me.
(Monica and Chandler go into the bathroom and take off their clothes. Monica turns on the shower)
Chandler: Are you cold?
Monica: No. Why?
Chandler: Your nipples are standing at attention.
Monica: That's only because they want your attention.
Chandler: Oh Mama!
(Monica gets in the shower. Chandler goes to follow her)
Monica (at the top of her lungs): Cold! It's Cold!
Monica (jumping out of the shower): There's no hot water! Why don't we have hot water?!
Chandler: We don't have hot water?
Monica: Do I look warm to you?
Chandler (feeling the water): Huh.
Monica: Don't tell me.
Chandler: It doesn't look like we have hot water. (the power goes off) And it doesn't look like we have any power either.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin and Ben are present. Caitlin and Ben are asleep. Ross and Rachel are in bed. Ross is reading a magazine)
Ross (reading): Huh?
Rachel: What ya doing?
Ross (ignoring Rachel): I'm trying to solve the world's hunger problem. What do you think I'm doing?
Rachel: Are you feeling lucky?
Ross (reading): Not particularly.
Rachel: I'm horny.
Ross (still reading): You're always horny.
Rachel: I want you.
Ross: That's nice.
Rachel: Put down the stupid magazine and make love to me!
Ross (dropping the magazine): What?
Rachel: I've been trying to tell you that I want to have sex with you but your more interested in, in….(picking up the magazine) how to please your mate. (Rachel looks at the magazine) Why are you reading my Cosmo?
Ross: I was just looking at the pictures.
Rachel: You were reading my magazine!
Ross: No, no I wasn't. I was merely looking at the bra ads.
Rachel: Did you learn anything?
Ross: If how to do a bikini wax means learning something, then yeah.
Rachel: Do you wanna see my bikini wax job?
Ross: Are dinosaurs extinct?
(Ross and Rachel start making out on the bed. Slowly their pajamas start coming off)
Rachel: I'm off the pill.
Ross: I know.
Rachel: Are you sure you're ready for this?
Ross: I'm sure.
Rachel: Then why do you have a condom in your hand?
Ross (throwing the condom away): Sorry, bad habit.
(Ross and Rachel start to get steamy and all sorts of nakedness. Suddenly Ben pops out of the closet with Caitlin)
Ben (to Caitlin): See Caitlin, this is how babies are made.
(Ross, who is on top of Rachel, looks at Ben with a look of shock)
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are present)
Jenna: I'm tired.
Jenna: That usually means that I'm ready to go to bed.
Jenna: Are you tired?
Joey: Not particularly.
Jenna: I'm going to bed.
Joey: See ya tomorrow.
Jenna: So this is how it's gonna be?
Joey: If you're talking about you going to bed, then yeah.
Jenna: No, that's not what I'm talking about.
Joey: Then once again I have no clue as to what you are talking about.
Jenna: What I meant is that I move in with you, and you suddenly don't act interested in going to bed with me anymore.
Joey: Whoa! You said you were tired and that you were going to sleep. You said nothing about sex. I'm always up for sex.
Jenna: Is that why you asked me to move in? So you could have sex whenever it was convenient for you?
Jenna: Then why did you ask me to move in?
Joey: I don't know. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Jenna: Do you want to think about your answer again?
Joey: I don't think it's gonna change.
Jenna: You know what, I'll make this easy for you. I'm leaving.
Joey: Where are you gonna sleep? It's not like Chandler and Monica live next door anymore.
Jenna: I'll go to my parents.
Joey: You don't have a car and your parents live two hours from here.
Jenna: That you know, yet you don't know why you asked me to move in with you?
Joey: Ok, are you going somewhere with this?
Jenna: I'm leaving. Don't bother trying to find me.
Joey: Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Joey: I really just don't understand why you're so upset. It's not like I did anything wrong. You said you were tired and going to bed, and the next thing I know you're mad at me and leaving for some unknown destination. Yeah, You're obviously just loopy tonight.
Jenna: You've got a lot to learn about relationships! If you ever decide to grow up, call me! (Jenna leaves. The Duck comes out of the bathroom making all sorts of noise)
Joey (to the Duck): Beats me buddy, maybe she had some bad pizza or something.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica and Chandler are in the bedroom in the dark. Michael is still asleep)
Monica: Did you call the power company?
Chandler: I tried but we don't have phone service either.
Monica: We don't have phone service?
Chandler: Did I stutter?
Chandler: I used my cell phone but the power company said they couldn't do anything until morning.
Monica: That doesn't explain why we don't have phone service.
Chandler: Oh, that's simple. I forgot to call to have them turn it on.
Monica: You never called the power company either did you?
Chandler: Do we hot water? Do we have lights? (Monica looks at Chandler) Yeah, I forgot to request service.
Monica: I want to move back into our old apartment right now!
Chandler: Well that wouldn't do us any good.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because I did remember to shut off the power and telephone service to our old apartment.
Monica (burying her head in her arms): You truly are an idiot!
Chandler: Think of it as getting back to nature.
Monica: I don't want nature! I want a warm shower and I want to be able to see what I'm doing!
Chandler: So you're saying that you're upset.
Monica: Why didn't I marry Richard when I had the chance?!
Chandler: That was low.
Monica: Do you think I care?
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel and Ben are talking in the family room. Caitlin's in bed)
Ben: Are you guys gonna yell at me or are you just gonna sit there and stare?
Ross: Do you wanna make it to your next birthday?
Ross: Then shut the hell up!
Rachel: What did your father say about you going into our room?
Ben: He said don't go into it unless asked.
Ross: Then what in the hell were you doing in our closet when you were supposed to be in bed?!
Ben: I dunno.
Ross: You're gonna have to do better than that!
Rachel: Ross, yelling at Ben is not going to accomplish anything at this point. Ben, do you understand why your Dad and I are very upset and disappointed in you?
Ben: I think so.
Rachel: Come on Ben, be straight with us. Why were you in the closet with your baby sister?
Ben: I just wanted to show Caitlin how babies were made.
Ross: Ben, your baby sister is almost a year old, she doesn't understand, nor does she need to know at this point, where babies come from. Now why were you in the closet?
Ben: I dunno.
Ross: Do you wanna go live with Mommy Carol?
Ross: Then why were you in the closet?!
Ben (staring at the floor): Because I wanted to see how babies were made.
(Ross and Rachel just look at each other)
Rachel: Ben, what you did was wrong. When your Dad and I decide to tell you how babies are made, then we'll tell you. But you're too young to fully understand what you saw your Daddy and I doing. What your Daddy and I were doing is a special thing that grown ups do to show their love for each other. That special thing is between them and not anyone else. What you did violated our trust in you. Daddy and I can't express our love for each other if we have to worry about you popping out of closets. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Ben: Not really.
Ross: Ben, you have to respect our privacy. If Mommy and Daddy's bedroom door is closed, that means that you don't enter without knocking. You don't hide in the closet with your baby sister and pop out when Mommy and Daddy are naked.
Ben: Ok. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. Can I go to bed?
Ben: Ok, goodnight.
Ross: Hold on a minute young man.
Ross: You're grounded for the next week. No TV, no video games and you're to be in bed at 8.
Ben: But Dad…..
Ross: I don't wanna hear it Ben. You decided to violate our trust in you, you're gonna have to earn it back. Now give your mother a kiss goodnight and go to bed.
Ben: Yes Daddy. (to Rachel) Goodnight Mommy. I'm sorry.
Rachel: Goodnight Ben, I love you.
(Ben goes into his room)
Ross: The boy is nine years old and he's seen his parents making love in their own bedroom.
Rachel: Yeah. But just think, in three years we're gonna have to explain to him what we were doing.
Ross: Just out of curiosity, was I doing it right?
Rachel: Oh yeah, you should read Cosmo more often.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are present)
Monica: Did you call the power company?
Chandler: For the fourth time, yes, I called the power company.
Monica: And did….
Chandler: And for the fourth time, yes, I called the phone company too.
Phoebe: Rough first night at the new place?
Monica: I'll say. We had no hot water, no power and no telephone service. It was horrible.
Joey: Sounds like living at my place before Jenna moved in.
Chandler: Yes, but in our case, it wasn't planned. Speaking of whom, where is Jenna?
Joey: I dunno.
Phoebe: You didn't see her this morning?
Phoebe: Did she leave before you got up?
Monica: Then where is she?
Joey: That's what I'd like to know.
Chandler: What did you do now?
Joey: I didn't do anything. One minute she was telling me that she was tired and going to bed and the next thing you know she was accusing me of not knowing why I asked her to move in with me.
Monica: What did you say to her when she asked the question?
Joey: I said "I dunno".
Chandler: Joey, I know that I'm no relationship expert….
Monica: This is true.
Chandler: But when a woman asks why you asked her to move in, you don't say "I dunno".
Joey: Well what was I supposed to say?
Phoebe: Did you read Dating For Dummies?
Phoebe: You obviously didn't retain anything.
Monica: Joey, you were supposed to say because I love you.
Joey: Ok, I love you too Monica but that's not solving my problem here.
Monica: No Joey, you were supposed to say that to Jenna.
Joey: But I had told her that I loved her that morning.
Joey: So that doesn't mean that the "I love you" stands for the rest of the day?
Chandler: I too was once under that impression Joe. But unfortunately, it doesn't work that way anymore.
Joey: You mean I gotta say "I love you" all the time?
Monica: Until it hurts.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Jenna is moving out her stuff, Joey enters)
Joey: Why is there a moving truck downstairs?
Jenna: I'm moving out. Oh, and consider us broken up too.
Joey: Don't you think you're being a little extreme?
Joey: But I love you. I don't want you to leave.
Jenna: No Joey, what you want is a roommate, not a partner. You want someone to help pay your bills, cook your meals and have sex with you at your convenience.
Joey: That's so untrue. I love living with you.
Jenna: Then why did you ask me to move in with you?
Joey: Because I'm in love with you and I want to with you. Not just for sex, not just for cooking and paying the bills, but because you make me happy.
Jenna: You obviously talked to the others about our fight and that's what they told you to say to me. You need to learn to think for yourself. I just hope that your next girlfriend isn't as stupid as I was.
Joey: You're not stupid. You're absolutely brilliant. That's exactly what they told me to tell you.
Jenna: And you're stupid enough to admit it to me?
Joey: I guess.
Jenna: I'll be back for the rest of my stuff. (Jenna goes to leave)
Joey (who's now crying): Jenna, please don't go.
Jenna: Are you crying?
Joey: Fine, I'm crying. Just don't tell anyone.
Jenna: Why are you crying?
Joey: Because the best thing that ever happened to me is about to walk out my life and I can't do anything about it because she won't listen to me.
Jenna: What do you want to say?
Joey: I just want to say that I love you. I love you and don't want you to go.
Jenna: Why did you ask me to move in with you?
Joey: Because I love you and want to be with you as much as possible.
Jenna: Why didn't you just say that last night?
Joey: Because I was loopy?
Jenna: What's the real reason Joey?
Joey: You're just involved with a guy that's little slow on the relationship front. I didn't realize that maybe you really didn't know why I asked you to move in with me. The real reason is that I'm totally in love with you.
Jenna: I love you too.
Joey: Can I help you move your stuff back in?
Joey: You're still leaving? But I thought we made up.
Jenna: I was thinking that as long as your bed is still in this apartment, that we can get my stuff later.
Joey: Ok. Wanna go get a pizza? (Jenna looks at Joey) Oh, you want to have sex. See, I told you I was slow on the uptake.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, Ross and Rachel are present)
Chandler: So he just popped out of the closet while you and Rachel were….you know….
Ross: Yeah. I didn't know whether to cover Rachel up or kill him right then and there.
Monica: So you guys were completely nude?
Ross: And right in the middle of everything.
Monica: What did you say to Ben?
Rachel: We told him that what he did was wrong and violated our trust in him.
Ross: And grounded him for a week.
Chandler: Yeah, I remember walking in on my Dad when I was young.
Monica: Don't you mean your Mom and Dad?
Chandler: No, my Mom was at work. My Dad was getting naked with the pool man.
Ross: What did you do?
Chandler: I asked my Dad what he was doing.
Rachel: What did he say?
Chandler: He said that he was taking the pool's man temperature. It wasn't until years later that I realized that he wasn't using a thermometer.
Ross: What was he using?
Chandler: What do you think?