THE ONE WITH THE INAPPROPRIATE WORDS
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
PREVIOUSLY ON FRIENDS
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are in bed)
Joey: Man, what a day.
Jenna: You didn’t do anything, how can you say that?
Joey: Hey, I helped Monica pick out Chandler's birthday present. That was a lot of work.
Jenna: You merely went to the ticket office with Monica.
Joey: Yes, but we walked there instead of taking a cab. That's a long walk.
Jenna: When's your birthday again?
Joey: It's February 11th.
Jenna: I got you an early present.
Jenna: Because nature demanded it.
Jenna: I'm pregnant.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Monica is feeding Michael. Chandler emerges from his bedroom)
Chandler: Is Phoebe here yet?
Monica: What, are you having a secret affair with her or something?
Chandler: Yes, and I was hoping to score with her right in front of you.
Monica: Well as long as your cheating on me with someone I know, I guess that's alright.
Chandler: She better show up soon or we're gonna be late.
Monica: Wait. Why is Phoebe showing up here?
Chandler: Didn't I tell you? Phoebe is my new secretary. I hired her yesterday at Donna's request.
Monica: You're kidding me!
Chandler: I wish I were. My work life will now be as hellacious as my personal life.
Monica: I'm going to pretend that you didn't say that.
Chandler: That's probably for the best. It sounded better in my head anyway.
Phoebe: Hey. Are you ready to go to work Mr. Bing?
Chandler: You're late.
Phoebe: No, no I'm not. I finally got my period this morning.
Chandler: Thanks for sharing.
Monica: You're gonna be at the restaurant tonight, right Phoebe?
Monica: You're not gonna be too tired after working all day.
Phoebe: I'd hardly call working for Chandler work.
Monica: Right. What was I thinking? Have fun.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Ben and Caitlin are present. Ross is preparing to leave to go to work. Rachel is feeding Caitlin and Ben is still asleep)
Ross: Are you sure you're gonna be ok?
Rachel: I'm fine. I have been a mother for over a year now, I think I know what I'm doing.
Ross: Ok. Call me at the office if you need anything.
Rachel: Ok. Have a great day. (Rachel kisses Ross goodbye and Ross goes to leave) I love you Ross. Bye.
(Ross stops dead in his tracks)
Ross: What did she say?
Rachel: I think she said bye.
Ross: Oh my God, she said bye! She said bye!
Rachel: It's really amazing isn't it?! Although I'm sure you're disappointed that her first word wasn't dinosaur.
Ross (to Rachel): You're very funny. (to Caitlin) Can you say Dada?
Ross: Close enough. I better go. Bye.
Rachel: Bye. I'll talk to you later.
Caitlin (waving to no one in particular): Bye.
Ross: Bye Caitlin.
Rachel: Would you leave already? (Ross leaves) We're almost done with breakfast sweetie. One more bite. (Rachel feeds Caitlin one more bite, as she does she knocks the bowl to the floor) Aw sh^t.
Rachel: No, no sweetie. We don't say that word. Mommy didn't say that word. Sh^t, that's gonna leave a stain.
Rachel (to herself): Stop swearing in front of your child. (Rachel goes to get paper towel from the kitchen, as she walks, she trips and crashes to the floor) F%ck, that hurt.
Caitlin (from the other room): F%ck.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are present. Continued from before)
Joey: You're, you're, you're, you're kidding right?
Joey: But, but we've been so careful! I mean, I even doubled up on the condoms.
Joey: Well you can never be too safe, so I was wearing two condoms at once when we were getting it on.
Jenna: You were?
Joey: Sure. I mean I know that they're only 97% effective, so I figured that if I wore two at the same time that it'd be 194% effective.
Jenna: Well I don't know what to tell you, but I'm definitely pregnant. The doctor confirmed it yesterday.
Joey: Is it mine?
Joey: That not a good question to ask?
Jenna: Are you accusing me of cheating on you?!
Jenna: Then what are you implying?
Joey: I dunno. Maybe, maybe you went to a sperm bank and had yourself knocked up. It's all the rage these days.
Jenna: I can't believe you! You really think I'd do something like that?!
Jenna: Then why would you even think about something like that?
Joey: Because I'm an idiot?
TOYS R US (Chandler has gathered his office staff in the board room for a meeting)
Chandler: Kevin, I'm going to need the same store sales data by the end of the week.
Kevin: I don't think I can do that Chandler. My group is inundated with work, the earliest I can get the numbers to you is by next Wednesday.
Chandler: I guess you and your group will be working late this week then. I need to get the same store sales data to Donna by Monday morning. Therefore, I need the data from your group by the end of the week.
Chandler: I don't wanna hear it. Have the numbers on my desk by Friday 4 pm. Ok, on to Amy's group….
Phoebe: Can I make a suggestion?
Chandler: No. (to Amy) Amy, I'm still waiting on the sales forecast for the West Coast. When will I have those numbers?
Amy: By tomorrow morning.
Chandler: You do realize that you're already three days late.
Amy: Yes, but half of my group came down with food poisoning last week after I bought the group dinner.
Chandler: That's a lovely story. Have the numbers to me by the end of the day.
Amy (mad): Fine.
Phoebe: Chandler, you're being unreasonable. These people have lives outside of work. Loosen up a little bit.
Chandler: No, no I'm not. Just sit there and take notes. That's your job. Ok on to Veronica. Veronica, do you have the sales forecast for the East Coast ready yet?
Veronica: It's in your office as we speak.
Chandler: Finally! You're only a week behind schedule.
Veronica: I realize that, but I just returned from maternity leave two weeks ago. There were a lot of things that I had to catch up on.
Chandler: I guess that'll teach you not to have a child during our busy season.
Chandler: Not now Phoebe. (to everyone else) Look, I'm tired of you guys slacking on the job. From now on, if the group leaders miss a deadline, there will be hell to pay until I can find group leaders who get things done when they're supposed to be done. Thanks everyone. (The staff files out, leaving Chandler and Phoebe in the board room. To Phoebe) Do I kick ass or what?
Phoebe: Yeah, you're definitely an ass. I'll be at my desk your highness.
(Phoebe leaves leaving Chandler puzzled)
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica is cleaning. Michael is down for a nap as Rachel, Ben and Caitlin enter)
Monica: What are you guys doing here?
Rachel: We came to say hi.
Monica: How are you feeling Ben?
Ben: Better. Is Uncle Chandler here?
Monica: No, he's at work today.
Ben: He actually went to work?
Monica: I know, I'm as surprised as you.
Rachel: Caitlin said her first word.
Rachel: Yeah. She said bye to Ross as he was leaving for work this morning.
Monica: That's so exciting! Has she said anything else?
Rachel: Those are the other reasons why we're here.
Rachel (whispering into Monica's ear): She said sh^t and f^ck too.
Monica (very loud): She said sh^t and f^ck?
Monica: Where'd she learn those words?
Ben: Maybe she's been listening to Daddy and you have sex Mommy.
Rachel (embarrassed): No sweetie, I don't think that's it.
Monica: Then where'd she learn them? Was Joey over there teaching her bad words?
Rachel: I think she learned them from me.
Rachel: I know! I was feeding her breakfast and I accidentally knocked the bowl over and I said, well you know. The next thing I know she repeated what I said.
Monica: Ok. Ok, that explains how she learned that word. But where did she learn the f-word?
Ben: Maybe she's been listening to Daddy and Mommy have sex Aunt Monica. Mommy uses the f-word all the time when they're doing that.
Ben: I'm just saying.
Rachel: Go watch TV so I can talk to Aunt Monica.
Monica: Where'd she learn the f-word?
Rachel: I think she learned that from me too.
Monica: So she has been listening to you and Ross have sex?
Rachel: No! No, I went to get paper towel to clean up the mess that I made when I spilled her bowl and I tripped. I fell to the floor and bruised my wrist. Not thinking, I yelled "f^ck that hurt". Next thing I know, she repeated the word. My girl knows only three words, and two of them are bad ones. Ross is going to kill me!
Monica: Only if he finds out.
Rachel: How is he not going to find out? She's already learned the words!
Monica: Well we have all day to make her unlearn them.
Rachel: She's a child! She's not, not, something that would forget what she's learned!
Monica: Well it works with Joey, it has to work with a one year-old.
TOYS R US (Chandler is working in his office. Phoebe is at her desk just outside Chandler's office. Jenna stops by)
Jenna: Hey Phoebe, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: Duh, I work here.
Jenna: No way, since when?
Jenna: Well welcome aboard.
Phoebe: Yeah, I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be working here.
Jenna: What's wrong?
Phoebe: Don't tell anyone, but my boss is an asshole.
Jenna: Let me guess, he had another staff meeting.
Phoebe: Yes! Is he always so mean to his employees?
Jenna: Only when they're not doing their jobs.
Phoebe: But he was so mean to everyone.
Jenna: In order to be the big boss, you have to be mean sometimes. Chandler's still a good guy. He's just doing his job. By the way, is he in his office?
Phoebe: Yeah, he's probably in there shining his tiara.
Jenna: Guys don't wear tiaras. They wear crowns.
Phoebe: You obviously don't know Chandler well enough. I'll see you later.
Jenna: Where are you off to?
Phoebe: Donna wants to see me.
Jenna: I guess you're right, your time with us is short.
(Phoebe leaves and Jenna enters Chandler's office)
Chandler (not looking up): What now Phoebe?
Jenna: I need you to give me some lovin'.
Chandler (still looking down): We did that an hour ago.
Jenna: Does Monica know?
Chandler (looking up): Hey Jenna! I was just fooling around.
Jenna: With your secretary apparently.
Chandler: What's up?
Jenna: I think I freaked out Joey.
Chandler (flippantly): What did ya do? Tell him that you were pregnant?
Jenna: That's exactly what I did. (Chandler falls out of his chair) And that's about how he took the news.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Ross are present)
Ross (to Joey, who's not really listening to Ross): So I said to her, look I'm your teacher, you're a student, there's no way you can beat me at Trivial Pursuit. Boy, was that a stupid bet, I lost $50 to her because I couldn't remember what the capital of Cambodia was.
Joey: Phnom Penh.
Joey: The capital of Cambodia is Phnom Penh.
Ross: My God! Are you alright?
Joey: I'm fine.
Ross: Quick, what's the capital of Algeria?
Ross: Gunther, did you spike Joey's coffee?
Gunther: No, I spiked yours but the poison obviously didn’t work, you're still alive.
Ross: You're absolutely hysterical Gunther. You're still not taking my wife away from me. (to Joey) Joey, what's wrong? Are you out of Cocoa Puffs again?
Ross: Did you lose Hugsy?
Ross: Come on man, tell me what's up. You're scaring the crap out of me.
Joey: I'm gonna be a father.
Ross: Come on Joe, stop fooling around. You can tell me. What's wrong?
Joey: Jenna's pregnant and I'm gonna be a father. (Ross spits his coffee all over Joey) That's pretty close to how I reacted.
Ross: My God, you're totally serious!
Joey: Of course I'm serious! Do you think I'd joke about something like this?
Joey: Anyway, Jenna's furious with me.
Ross: You asked her if it was yours didn't you?
Joey: Yeah. Isn't that the first question that comes to mind when you're not prepared to find out that you're gonna be a father?
Ross: For most people. I asked Rachel what she was making for dinner.
Joey: See, it causes you to ask questions that you'd normally not ask. What am I gonna do? How am I going to explain to Jenna that I'm happy that we're having a kid together?
Ross: I know of only one person who can help straighten this out for you.
Joey: I can't go to my Mom! She'd kill me if she found out Jenna's pregnant, I haven't even told her that we're getting married!
Ross: We're not going to see your Mom. We're going to see the group Mom.
Ross: No that's the group psychotic. Monica's the group Mom. She'll help you straighten everything out with Jenna.
TOYS R US (Chandler's office. Chandler and Jenna are talking)
Jenna: So first he asked me if it was his and then he had the nerve to ask me if I artificially inseminated myself!
Chandler: And you didn't do that right?
Chandler: I'm just saying, that's a legitimate question. I know I asked Monica that when she told me she was pregnant with Michael.
Jenna: What is wrong with you men? Are you demented or something?
Chandler: Hey, in my defense, I didn't find out that my Mom dropped me on my head when I was a baby until later on in life.
Jenna (laughing): And I supposed that's how you got yourself out of trouble with Monica after you asked her if she was artificially inseminated.
Chandler: No, she locked herself in the bathroom until I told her that I was going to sing Amazing Grace over and over again unless she came right out.
Jenna: Do you think Joey still loves me?
Chandler: Of course he loves you. Joey may be a child, but he's not insensitive. He's going to be there for you through this whole thing. Loyalty should be Joey's middle name. And besides, you guys are getting married. Trust me, Joey's absolutely thrilled.
Jenna: If he's so thrilled, why'd he ask me if the baby was his?
Chandler: Because he's a man. All men are idiots. How do I know this? I am a man.
Jenna: Not according to your friends.
Chandler: Fine, my friends don't think I'm a man. At least my wife knows the truth.
Jenna: Actually, she's the one that started telling everyone that you aren't a man.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Rachel, Ben, Caitlin and Michael are present. Ben is watching TV. Monica is holding Michael. Caitlin is walking around the flat)
Monica: See, I told you she wouldn't say those bad words again.
Rachel: That's because no one has said them. Not because she's magically forgotten how to say those words. (to Caitlin) Honey, don't touch that. That's dirty.
Monica: What's dirty?!
Rachel: She's trying to put Chandler's sneakers in her mouth.
Monica: Oh, for a minute there I thought you were implying that my house was dirty.
Rachel: Like that could happen.
Rachel: Yeah Ben?
Ben: Can we go home now?
Rachel: In a little while sweetie.
Ben: But I have to go potty.
Rachel: So go, no one's stopping you.
Ben: But I have to go number 2.
Ben: I can't do that here. That means I have to sit on the toilet.
Rachel: Trust me, you won't find a cleaner toilet anywhere else than at Aunt Monica's.
Ben: But Aunt Monica has monsters in her toilet. They'll get me if I sit down.
Monica: Ben honey, there're no monsters in Aunt Monica's toilet.
Ben: Uh huh. Uncle Chandler told me there was.
Monica: Uncle Chandler was only referring to what he leaves behind. Trust me, there're are no monsters in the toilet.
Ben: Ok. But if you here me scream, or I don't emerge in thirty minutes, come rescue me.
Rachel: You'll be fine Ben. Just out of curiosity, why are you going to be in there for thirty minutes?
Ben: Mom, all guys take that long. It's called going to the office.
(Ben enters the bathroom)
Rachel (to Monica): Thank God Caitlin was a girl.
Monica: It's amazing to me, Ben's almost nine and he already refers to going number 2 as going to the office.
Rachel: At least he isn't referring to it as launching the brown fleet. (to Caitlin) Honey, get down from there, you're gonna fall.
(Caitlin falls off the couch)
Caitlin: Sh^t. (starts crying. Rachel goes and picks her up)
Monica: So much for today's deprogramming.
(Ross and Joey enter)
Ross: Hey. (to Rachel) What happened to Caitlin?
Rachel: She fell off the couch.
Joey: I hate when I do that.
Monica: What are you guys doing here?
Ross (to Monica): Joey has some news and a problem that needs to be fixed by you.
Monica: Forget it Joe, I'm still not going to sleep with you.
Joey: That's not it.
Monica: Wow! It must be something really serious then.
Ross: Tell them Joey.
Joey: I don't want to. If I don't tell anyone else, it may just go away.
Ross: It's not gonna go away for another nine months, now tell them.
Rachel: Oh my God! Jenna's….
Joey: Yes. She is.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Monica: Jenna's what?
Joey: Jenna's pregnant.
Monica: Holy sh^t!
Ross: Monica! Caitlin's talking now! Don't use that word around her!
Monica: Sorry, it slipped.
Joey: F^ck, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Ross: Joey! You're language!
Rachel: Really guys, you really need to watch your language around Caitlin. (Monica shoots Rachel a look) I'm just saying. She's at an impressionable age.
Monica (to Rachel): Maybe you should've thought of that this morning. (to Joey) Well that's great news Joey, but what's the problem?
Monica: Let me guess, first you asked Jenna if it was yours and then you asked her if she artificially inseminated herself?
Rachel: Hell, that's better then what's for dinner.
Monica: Ross asked you that?
Rachel: He's not a normal man.
Ross: I panicked!
Monica (to Joey): So you're here to have me fix your problem.
Joey: Yeah. Since you're the group Mom, Ross said that you could help me.
Monica: I'm the group Mom?
Rachel: Of course you are. You're constantly telling all of us what to do.
Monica: You should've come to see me this morning then Rachel.
Rachel: I had a feminine problem.
Joey: The itch got you down Rach?
Rachel: Amongst other things.
Monica: Ok Joey, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go to the florist and buy 9 long-stem roses. Then you're gonna go to the store and buy Jenna her favorite ice cream. Then you're gonna go home, draw her a warm bubble bath and cook her dinner.
Joey: But I don't know how to cook!
Monica: Right. Ok, order food in.
Monica: Do you want her to love you again or leave you? I'll call the restaurant and have them deliver the food to you. You got all that?
Joey: Roses, bubble bath, and food. Check.
Ross: You might wanna put on some Kenny G. Chicks love that.
Rachel: In God's name, why did I marry you?
Ross: Because I have a large penis.
Joey: Don't flatter yourself dude. You're penis is average.
Rachel: Would everyone stop using the word penis?! There's a little one present!
Joey (to Ross): See, even your wife thinks you have a small penis.
Monica: Joey, why do you know the size of Ross' penis?
Joey: Rachel told me about it when she was drunk a couple of months ago.
TOYS R US (Chandler has been summoned to Donna's office. Chandler enters to find Donna and Phoebe waiting for him)
Chandler (to Donna): Oh, I didn’t know Phoebe was here. I can come back if you want.
Donna: Actually, Phoebe's the one that requested me to speak with you. Sit down Chandler.
Chandler: Ok. (Chandler sits next to Phoebe)
Donna: Did you have a staff meeting this morning Chandler?
Chandler: Yes. Yes I did.
Donna: It seems that you were a little hard on Beaver this morning.
Chandler (laughing): That's impossible, my wife said no to me this morning.
Chandler: Oh, nothing Donna. I thought you were talking about something else.
Donna: Did you tell Mrs. Beaver (looking at her notes) "that'll teach you not to have a child during our busy season"?
Chandler: Ah, ah, I may have said that to Veronica in passing. Who's Mrs. Beaver?
Chandler: Oh. It won't happen again.
Donna: You do realize that what you said is a form of sexual harassment.
Chandler: No, I didn't.
Donna: Excuse us for a minute Phoebe.
Donna: Chandler, I really like you. You've done a great job since you came on board.
Chandler: Thanks, I'm trying really hard.
Donna: You've been driving your employees too hard. I'm starting to get complaints and I don't like complaints.
Donna: It's one thing to demand a strong work ethic from your employees, it's another to embarrass them in front of their peers when they don't meet your expectations.
Chandler: Ok. I can work with that. But I've only been driving my employees hard because you expect me to deliver results to you. If you want something by the end of the week, I have to make sure that you get the results you want. In order to do that, I have to have my staff meet their deadlines. They haven't been meeting their deadlines, and that gets me in trouble with you.
Donna: I haven't looked at it that way. You're absolutely right. I've been driving my top lieutenants too hard.
Chandler: I don't know about that.
Donna: Stop kissing my ass.
Donna: Tomorrow morning the senior staff is meeting. There're are gonna be some changes around here.
Chandler: We're finally getting a Coke machine?
Donna: No. I said changes, not fulfilling dreams. You're excused. See you tomorrow morning. Tell Phoebe that I'm glad she had the courage to come talk to me.
Chandler: Yeah, I'll make sure she gets the message.
(Chandler leaves and runs into Phoebe in the hall)
Phoebe: Is everything cool?
Chandler: With work? Yeah. Between us? No.
Phoebe: But Chandler….
Chandler: See you later Phoebe.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey is in the bedroom as Jenna enters)
Joey (emerging from the bedroom with roses. He's dressed in a suit): My fair lady, these are for you.
Jenna (taking the roses): My God! Are you feeling alright?
Joey: If you'll please strip.
Jenna: I'm really not in the mood for sex right now.
Joey: Who said anything about sex?
Jenna: Why else would I get naked?
Joey: Follow me. (takes Jenna's hand and leads her into the bathroom) Your bath has been drawn.
Jenna: Wow! (Jenna starts taking off her clothes) What's this all about?
Joey: What? I can't do something romantic for the woman I love?
Jenna: Joey, your idea of romance is an extra large pizza, a six pack of beer and a Bruce Willis movie.
Joey: Ok, are you gonna ruin the moment or get in the stupid bath?
Jenna (getting in the bath): Is this your way of saying your sorry for this morning?
Joey (incredulously): What should I be sorry for?
Jenna: I love it.
Joey: I am sorry. I was truly insensitive. I'm extremely happy that I'm gonna be a father and even more happy that you're the one who's gonna be the mother. I really love you.
Jenna: I love you too.
(there's a knock on the door)
Joey: That must be dinner.
Joey: You think I know how to cook?
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin and Ben are present. They're eating dinner)
Rachel: Do you like it?
Ross (lying): This tastes great. What is it again?
Rachel: It's beef stew. I found the recipe in Martha Stewart Living.
Ben: Are you sure you followed the directions?
Rachel: Is it that bad?
Ross: No, it's great. I'm really proud of you, trying to cook and all.
(Caitlin pushes her bowl to the floor)
Ross: Ben! What did I say about using that word?
Ben: I didn't say it. Caitlin did!
Rachel: I'll go get some paper towel.
Ross: Caitlin honey, we don't say that word. Wait a minute, where in the hell did she learn that word?
Ben: She learned it from Mommy this morning.
Ben: Mommy fell and bruised her wrist and she said the f-word when she did it. Caitlin learned it from Mommy. She also learned sh^t from Mommy too.
Rachel (emerging from the kitchen): What?
Ross: You taught our daughter how to swear?! She's only a year-old!
Rachel: I did nothing of the sort!
Ben: You didn't hear it from me.
Rachel: Ben, you little….
Rachel: Exactly. (realizing what's happened) No Caitlin, don't say that word anymore.
Ross: I can't believe this! I go to work thinking that the only word my daughter knows is "bye" and I come home to find that she also knows two dirty words!
Rachel: It was an accident. I wasn't thinking. I didn't think that she could say those two words.
Ross: Well apparently they're now her favorite words. We're gonna take our daughter to the store and she's gonna point at something and say "sh^t!
Rachel: Well if you'd stop saying the friggin' word maybe she'll forget it.
Ross: She's a bright child! She's not Joey!
Rachel: I'm sorry! It's not like I planned for her to learn inappropriate words!
Ross: You could've taught her something like Mama or Dada!
Ross: You see, she can say Dada. She doesn't need to learn….oh my God! She said Dada!
Rachel: How quickly we forget what we were arguing about.
Rachel: And we're back to square one.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Chandler are present)
Monica: How was the office?
Chandler: It was ok. Typical office stuff.
Phoebe: Hey guys!
Monica: Hey Pheebs!
Chandler: I'll see you later Mon.
Monica: Where're you going?
Chandler: Wherever Phoebe isn't.
Monica (to Phoebe): What's that all about?
Phoebe: He's just upset because I told him that Britney Spears lip syncs when she's in concert. It ruined his day.