THE ONE WITH THE INSURANCE ADJUSTER
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK(Chandler and Joey are present)
Joey: How's the ankle?
Chandler: It's healing.
Joey: Did you get the hospital bill yet?
Chandler: No. The insurance company is taking care of that for me.
Chandler: Why are you so concerned with my hospital bill?
Joey: I thought you'd make me pay it.
Chandler: I wouldn't do that to you.
Joey: Thanks man. I've really been worried about it. Surgery is expensive, I didn't know how I was gonna pay for it.
Chandler: Well that's why I have insurance. It's their problem. (pause) Of course when they find out that you were the one who caused the injury they'll probably come after you.
Joey: They would?!
Chandler: Sure. They'll have to get their money back somehow.
Joey: Wait a minute, how are they gonna find out it was me?
Chandler: Well at the hospital the insurance claim adjuster asked how I got injured so I told him.
Joey: You ratted me out?!
Chandler: Not exactly. I just told them that this black haired Italian guy pushed me into the basketball hoop pole.
Joey: You ratted me out! I'll see you around! (Joey gets up to leave)
Chandler: Where are you going? It's not like I gave them your name.
Joey: How many black haired Italian guys do you know?
Chandler: Just you.
Joey: Like I said, I'll see you around.
Chandler: So where are you going?
Joey: I'm going into hiding. There's no way I paying your insurance company back. They're gonna have to find me first.
Chandler: So you're going home?
Joey: Yeah, they'll never find me there. (Joey leaves as Ross and Monica enter)
Ross: Where's Joey going?
Chandler: To hide at home.
Chandler: Because I told him that my insurance company was gonna come looking for him to pay them back for my medical bills.
Monica: And he believed you?
Chandler: I can't help it if that man is as dumb as the pole that he pushed me into.
Ross: I guess we won't be seeing Joey for a few weeks.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present)
Rachel: So have you decided?
Ross: Yeah, I want pork chops for dinner.
Rachel: No, not that. Have you decided if you want to have another baby?
Ross: Oh that. No I haven't.
Rachel: But it's been a whole week!
Ross: Yes, yes it has. I wasn't aware that you were keeping track of time.
Rachel: If you don't want to have another kid right now just say so, don't string me along.
Ross: I wasn't aware that I was stringing you along.
Rachel: Well it's obvious that you don't want to try for another baby right now.
Ross: Oh? How is it obvious?
Rachel: You haven't even thought about it.
Ross: That's not true. I have been thinking about it. I was just thinking about it in the shower. I just haven't made a decision yet.
Rachel: Well I'll make it easier for you.
Ross: What? Are you gonna harvest my sperm when I'm not looking?
Rachel: No, but the sperm receptacle is closed until further notice. (Rachel and Caitlin leave)
Ross: I think this is the first time she's withheld sex from me when I didn't do anything wrong.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are present)
Joey (from the bedroom): Yeah?
Jenna: Aren't you going to work?
Joey: No. I called in sick.
Jenna: Why exactly?
Joey: I can't leave the apartment. The insurance adjuster will find me.
Jenna: Have you been smoking pot again?
Joey (emerging from the bedroom): No. Do you have some?
Jenna: No. But there's a pot farm on the roof if you're looking for some. Seriously, why aren't you going to work?
Joey: I told you. Chandler's insurance company is looking for me. They're gonna make me pay Chandler's hospital bill if they find me, which they're not.
Jenna: Who told you that?
Joey: Chandler did.
Jenna: And you believed him?
Joey: Sure, Chandler would never lie to me.
Jenna: Isn't Chandler the one who told you that he was gonna change his name just because he thought he name was stupid?
Joey: It is stupid.
Jenna: Did he ever change his name?
Jenna: And why not?
Joey: Because Phoebe agreed to name one of the triplets after him. (Jenna just looks at Joey for a minute) That bastard! He's trying to fool me again!
Jenna: You know, you really scare me with your stupidity sometimes.
Joey: It's a gift. Not many people have it.
Jenna: Joey, if the people of the world were dumb as you, we'd still be in the Dark Ages.
Joey: The what?
Jenna: Never mind. I'm late for work and so are you. I'll see you later. Love you.
Joey: But I called in sick.
Jenna: Then tell them that it was a false alarm. Now go to work. (Jenna leaves)
Joey: I liked it better living alone. What was I thinking? She's just like my mother. (pause) Oh my God! I'm sleeping with my mother!
TOYS R US (Chandler is working in his office. Jenna enters)
Jenna: Hey. Are we still on for lunch?
Chandler: That depends. Did he take the bait?
Jenna: Like a hungry shark. The Outback at noon?
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Michael, Phoebe and Ross are present)
Monica (to Ross): So are you having another kid?
Ross: What? Did she tell you that?
Monica: Of course. Who else would she have told?
Phoebe: Told what?
Monica: Rachel didn't tell you?
Phoebe: Tell me what?
Monica: Rachel wants to have another baby.
Phoebe: Why doesn't Rachel tell me anything anymore? Am I not her friend?
Ross: Maybe it's because you have a big mouth.
Phoebe: At least I have something that's big.
Ross: Anyway, I haven't decided yet.
Monica: What's the problem? Don't you want another kid?
Ross: Yeah, yeah I do. I just don't know if I want another one right now. There's just so much going on in our lives and besides, we don't have the room. We're on top of each other as it stands right now.
Phoebe: Well that is the way that you get pregnant. Of course you could do it doggie-style, so I take that back.
Ross: That's not what I meant Phoebe.
Phoebe: I know. I just like saying doggie-style.
Monica: Come on Ross, it's never gonna be a good time to have another kid. You just gotta take off the rubber and sow the seeds of love.
Ross: What in the hell are you talking about?
Monica: You know, you've just got to get Rachel pregnant.
Ross: Ok. If you and Phoebe get pregnant at the same time, I'll knock Rachel up too.
Monica: Like that's gonna happen.
Phoebe: Yeah, me and Mitch haven't even had sex yet, so I don't think getting pregnant is a possibility.
Monica: You haven't slept with Mitch yet?
Phoebe (whispering to Monica): We have but there're little kids around and I didn't want them thinking that I'm a slut.
Monica: But you are a slut.
Phoebe: Shush! Michael will hear you.
THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Joey is shooting a scene. A man enters the set and stops to talk to one of the producers)
Man: Hello. My name is Bill Moe, I'm with Blue Cross/Blue Shield, is there a Joey Tribbiani on the set today?
Producer: Yes. He's shooting a scene at the moment, is there something I can help you with?
Bill: I just need to speak to Mr. Tribbiani. When will he be finished?
Producer: Well we just started shooting so I'm guess he'll be tied up for another four hours or so. Is there a message I can give to him?
Bill: Sure. Give him my card and tell him to call me. It's imperative that I speak to him immediately. Thanks. (Bill leaves)
Director: Cut! Joey, you screwed up your line again.
Joey: I'm sorry Helen, it won't happen again.
Director: Alright, take five and we'll re-shoot the scene again.
(The producer walks over to Joey)
Producer: A Mr. Bill Moe was here to see you. He said he was from Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Here's his card.
(Joey looks at the card, a close up reveals that Bill Moe is an insurance adjuster)
Joey: Oh my God!
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica, Michael and Phoebe are present)
Monica: Is our Board of Health inspection tonight?
Phoebe: Why are you asking me? That's your department.
Monica: What's today?
Phoebe: The day after yesterday.
Monica: I realize that. What day of the week is it?
Phoebe: Duh, the day after yesterday.
Monica (looking at her day planner): It's Thursday. Great, our health inspection is today.
Monica: It's just that the health inspectors are really anal. If they find even one thing wrong they can shut us down for a day. I (Phoebe looks Monica), I mean we, can't afford to be shut down at all.
Phoebe: Well as long as they don't see Raul running around, we'll be fine.
Monica: Ah, who's Raul?
Phoebe: Our pet rat.
Monica: Our what?
Phoebe: Yeah, Raul the rat lives in the walls at the restaurant. Once in a while he comes out for cheese.
Monica: We have a rat?!
Phoebe: Not just any rat, we have Raul.
Monica: Phoebe, if the health department finds out that we have rats, they're gonna shut us down until we get rid of them! And not to mention the bad press we'll get!
Phoebe: So you're saying you're not a fan of Raul?
VICTORIA'S SECRET (Rachel is working in her office. Ross enters)
Rachel: You do realize that I'm not a big fan of yours right now.
Ross: I know. I just came here to tell you my decision.
Rachel: Your decision was very clear this morning Ross. Now I have a lot of work to do so get out of my office. Caitlin's in day care, pick her up, pick up my dry cleaning and start dinner. I'll be home by a quarter of six.
Ross: I want to have another baby.
Rachel: Well that's nice but the sperm receptacle is closed for renovations. (pause) Did you say that you want to have another baby?
Rachel (hugging Ross): Oh honey, I'm so happy. I'd say we could get busy on my desk right now but the sperm receptacle is still closed.
Ross: Why? I said I was ready to have another baby. If the sperm receptacle is closed, then it's going to be impossible to get you pregnant.
Rachel: I only said it was closed for you. The mailman always has unfettered access.
Rachel: I'm just joking, it's that time of the month. But as soon as it's over, we'll be doing it like rabbits. (pause) By the way, what made you change your mind?
Ross: Well I was talking to Julie and Cheryl about it and they….
Rachel: You talked to Julie and Cheryl about it?
Rachel (getting mad): You talked to Julie and Cheryl, both of whom are your ex-girlfriends I might add, about our sex life?
Ross: I'm sensing that I shouldn't have.
Rachel: Get out!
Rachel: Get out! Get out! Get out!
Ross: Ok, ok. I'll go. I love you.
Rachel: Get out!
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, and Jenna are present)
Chandler: Ok, Joey should be showing up any minute now. Are you ready?
Jenna: And I get another lunch out of this?
Jenna: I'm totally ready.
(Joey comes running in. He's dressed all in black, wearing sunglasses and a black knit cap)
Chandler: Hey OJ.
Jenna: You look ridiculous, what the hell is going on?
Joey: I'll tell you what's going on. Chandler's insurance company is after me.
Joey: Yeah, a Mr. Bill Moe came to the set today and dropped off his card. The card said he was an insurance adjuster for Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Is that your health insurance company?
Chandler: As a matter of fact it is. They really came to see you? Man, are you in deep trouble.
Joey: I know! Thankfully I was shooting a scene so I couldn't talk to the guy. I sneaked out the back exit and ran home as fast I could.
Jenna: Why didn't you take a cab?
Joey: Because that's what they expect me to do.
Jenna: Who're they?
Joey: The insurance company people. I can't go anywhere unless I'm in a disguise. If they find me, they're gonna stick me with Chandler's insurance bill.
Jenna: Joey, they're not gonna stick you with Chandler's insurance bill. What happened to Chandler was a complete accident.
Chandler: I don't know about that, he intentionally pushed me into that pole.
Joey: See, and I bet that's what you told the insurance company!
Chandler: I told you Joey, I just told the insurance company that some dark haired Italian guy pushed me into the pole.
Joey: And how many dark haired Italian guys do you know?
Chandler: Just you.
Joey (to Jenna): See, they're gonna send me to jail. I'm gonna die an old man in a rotted out jail cell.
Jenna: Joey, you didn't break any laws, and legally Chandler's insurance company can't stick you with his medical bills.
Joey: Oh really? Are you a lawyer?
Jenna: No. I'm a CPA.
Joey: Then you don't know what you're talking about. I gotta go, this place could have spies. (Joey leaves)
Jenna (to Chandler): This is so much fun!
Chandler: You do realize that once Joey finds out this is a joke that he's not gonna want to live with you anymore.
Jenna: I know, that's why I never gave up my old apartment.
MICHAEL'S PLACE (Monica and Phoebe are present. The health inspector is doing his inspection)
Phoebe: See, it's totally going well. He's got nothing on us. (sees Raul the rat run across the kitchen floor) At least not yet.
Monica: What does that mean?
Phoebe: Shush! (whispering) Raul the rat is looking for food. I'm gonna go feed him, keep Mr. Health Inspector busy.
Monica (whispering): How am I gonna do that?
Phoebe: You're a woman, do what you do best.
Monica: Cooking is what I do best.
Phoebe: At least I understand why Chandler's always complaining then.
Monica: Phoebe! (the health inspector enters the kitchen) How's everything so far?
Inspector: I'm impressed Ms. Bing. I haven't found a single violation yet. I'll just check the kitchen area and I'll be on my way.
Monica: Ok. Can I get you something to drink?
(Raul the rat runs across the floor behind the inspector, Phoebe follows)
Inspector: No, I'm fine. What's your partner doing?
Monica: Phoebe? Oh she's just looking for dirt on the floor. If she finds any dirt she goes ballistic.
Inspector: Well it's very important to have a clean kitchen floor.
Monica: Yeah, that way if we accidentally drop food on it, we can still serve it.
Inspector: Excuse me?
Monica: I'm sorry, just a little kitchen humor.
(Something runs across the floor, right in front of the inspector)
Inspector: What was that?
Monica: I didn't see anything.
Inspector: That wasn't a rat that ran by here?
Phoebe: Where is it?
Inspector: If you're referring to the rat that ran by here, it went under the stoves.
Monica: Really, we don't have a rat.
Phoebe: Yeah. We don't. It's just, it's just….
Phoebe: Fine. I wasn't going to say this, but I brought my pet hamster to work today because she hasn't been feeling well. And well, she got out of her cage. That's why I've been running around here, I've been looking for her.
Monica: You brought your pet hamster here?! To our restaurant?! You know we can't have pets here at the restaurant.
Phoebe: I know but Betsy been sick. I'm so sorry Mr. Inspector, I'll find Betsy and take her home. She ought to be hungry now anyway.
Inspector: You do realize that I'll have to fine you for this offense Ms. Buffay.
Phoebe: Ok, just don't shut us down.
Inspector: Get the hamster out of here immediately and I won't. Here's your violation. You can pay it down at the City offices. Good day ladies. (The inspector leaves. Suddenly a loud noise is heard)
Phoebe: What was that?
(Monica walks over to the stoves and pulls out a rat trap)
Monica: Rat problem solved.
Phoebe: Raul! You killed Raul!
(The inspector returns to find Monica holding the trap)
Inspector: On other thing…..it's that a rat trap?
Monica: Ah, yeah.
Inspector: And is that a rat in the trap?
Inspector: Can I see the trap please?
Monica: Are you sure you wanna see the trap?
Inspector: Give me the trap. (Monica hands him the trap) Thank you. (he looks at the trap) Ok, I'll be leaving now. Oh and Ms. Buffay, I'm sorry about your pet hamster. At least next time you'll know not to bring her to work. (The inspector leaves)
Phoebe: Betsy? You killed Betsy?
Monica: Who's Betsy? I thought Betsy was a code name for Raul the Rat.
Phoebe: No! Betsy is my sick hamster that I brought to work with me today! You owe me a new hamster! Your stupid trap killed my hamster!
Monica: Oh my God! If this is Betsy, then where is Raul? (And loud noise is heard) Never mind.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is playing video games with Ben. Caitlin is in her playpen)
Ross: You're cheating again Ben.
Ben: No I'm not Daddy, you just suck at this game.
Ross: Daddy has to go talk to Mommy.
Ben: Ok. Good luck.
Ben: It's obvious that Mommy's mad at you again, otherwise you'd finish our game.
Rachel: I'm not talking to you.
Ross: Look, I'm sorry. I thought that you'd be thrilled that I wanted to have another kid now.
Rachel: I was thrilled. And then I found out that you reached your decision after you talked with your two ex-girlfriends about it.
Ross: But I also talked to Monica and Phoebe too.
Rachel: Oh really? Does the sentence, "if you and Phoebe get pregnant at the same time, I'll knock Rachel up too" sound familiar to you?
Ross: You talked to Monica.
Rachel: No, I talked to Phoebe.
Ross: That's even worse.
Ross: That's neat. I said that's neat.
Rachel: So tell me, what was it that Julie and Cheryl said that made you change your mind all of the sudden?
Ross: They asked me if I loved my wife.
Ross: They asked me if I loved my wife. That's all they said.
Rachel: And what did you say?
Ross: Well at the time I didn't realize that talking to them about this decision was going to get me in trouble with my wife, so I said yes. I love my wife. Right now, I'm not so sure.
Rachel: Why do I feel really confused?
Ross: Because you didn't let me explain myself at your office?
Rachel: Yeah, about that. I'm sorry that I kicked you out.
Ross: It's ok, I'm used to it.
Rachel: Run that by me again.
Ross: Rachel, when you get mad the first thing you do is to tell me to get lost. You never hear me out. You just react and deal with it later.
Ross: It's ok, like I said, I'm used to it.
Rachel: Tell me this, why did you talk to Julie and Cheryl about it in the first place?
Ross: They asked why I was being really quiet at lunch.
Rachel: You had lunch with them?!
Ross: And you say I'm jealous! Come on, it was a staff luncheon. I normally eat lunch with Dr. Diaz.
Rachel: Who is Dr. Diaz?
Ross: She's a…..
Rachel: She's a married professor in the department. Since we're the only two married professors, we usually have lunch together.
Ross: Anyway, Julie and Cheryl asked why I was being so quiet and I told them.
Rachel: Told them what?
Ross: I said I was trying to decide if I should have another kid with you right now. That's all that I said.
Rachel: And they said?
Ross: I already told you. They simply asked if I loved my wife.
Rachel: And that made you change your mind. That simple question.
Ross: Well I wouldn't want to have a kid with someone that I wasn’t in love with.
(Rachel just stand there for a minute)
Ben: Yeah Mommy?
Rachel: Come here for a minute.
(Ben comes to Ross and Rachel)
Ben: What did I do this time?
Rachel: You didn't do anything Ben. Daddy and I have something to ask you.
Ben: No, I don't wanna skip to the sixth grade.
Ross: That's not it son. What it is, I have no idea either.
Rachel: Ben, how would you feel if I had another baby?
Ben: Would it be a girl or a boy?
Rachel: I don't know.
Ben: Well if it was a boy, I'd be happy. I wouldn't be too happy if it was another girl.
Rachel: Why not?
Ben: Because then I wouldn't have anyone to beat up. (Ross looks at Ben) Not that I'd ever beat up my younger brother.
Rachel: Well your Daddy and I have decided that we're gonna have another baby. Is that ok with you?
Ben: Sure. Can I go play?
Rachel: Sure Ben.
Ross: Ah, you didn't ask me if I wanted another baby.
Rachel: But you already said that you did!
Ross: Yes, but that was before you got all Jealous Rachel on me.
Rachel: I'm sorry. I promise I'll work on that.
Ross: Ok. How many more days?
Rachel: Till what? (Ross just looks at Rachel) Oh that, yeah, about two. Can you hold out till then?
Ross: Of course. You are looking at a man who didn't lose his virginity until he was 21 after all. I'm the master of waiting.
Rachel: Thank God you said waiting.
Ross: Yeah, we all know Chandler's the master of what you were thinking.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ben is present)
Monica: Why are you all dressed in black Joey?
Joey: So Chandler's insurance company doesn't find me.
Rachel: And dressing all in black will accomplish that?
Phoebe: Speaking of money Joey, did you ever pay Chandler after you lost the basketball game?
Joey: No. Not yet. But I'm gonna.
Chandler: I know you are man, you're good for it.
Ross: A strange guy in a business suit just entered.
Joey (slouching down on the couch): Oh my God! They've found me!
(The businessman goes up to the counter and asks Gunther something. Gunther points at Joey. The man walks over)
Man: Are you Joey Tribbiani?
(A woman approaches Joey from the other side)
Woman: Joey? (Joey ignores her) Joey, it's me, Christina. How are you?
Joey: Go away! You've got the wrong guy.
Jenna: She better have the wrong guy.
Man: Mr. Tribbiani, my name is Bill Moe, I with Blue Cross/Blue Shield. May I ask you a few questions?
Bill: Excuse me?
Joey: I'm really not Joey Tribbiani. My name is OJ, OJ Simpson.
Gunther: Joey, your agent's on the phone for you.
Joey: Damn it Gunther! I told you my name is OJ, OJ Simpson.
Gunther: Then it's the police, they found the real killer.
Bill: Mr. Tribbiani?
Joey: Fine. You found me. What do you need?
Bill: Did you have a one on one basketball game with a Mr. Chandler Bing?
Bill: I see. Did you push Mr. Chandler Bing into a basketball pole causing him to tear ligaments in his right ankle?
Bill: Yes or no Mr. Tribbiani.
Bill: Ok. Here's Blue Cross/Blue Shield's bill for Mr. Bing's medical expenses during his stay at Mt. Sinai Hospital. Will you be paying cash, check or charge?
Joey: You expect me to pay this? The bill's for $10,000!
Bill: Yes Mr. Tribbiani we do. If Mr. Bing had hurt himself on accident, then we would cover the bill, but since you intentionally sought out to injure Mr. Bing, you must reimburse us for his medical expenses. So, will you be paying cash, check or charge?
Joey: Check. (Joey takes his checkbook out) Who should I make it out to?
Bill: Make the check out to Fidelity National Title.
Joey: But I thought you worked for Blue Cross/Blue Shield?
Bill: I do. Fidelity National Title is merely an uninterested third party. This way if your check bounces they can go after you.
Joey: Right. (writes the check) Here you go.
Bill: Nice doing business with you. Mr. Bing, could I see you outside for a minute?
Chandler: Sure. (Chandler gets his crutches and joins Mr. Moe outside)
Joey: I knew that bastard ratted me out.
Monica: What in the hell is going on here?
Ross: Beats me.
Rachel: I don't think I've ever heard of anyone having to reimburse an insurance company for someone else's medical bills.
Jenna: Seems weird to me too.
Joey: Well it just happened. Now I don't have any money to pay Chandler back.
Ross: Like you were ever gonna make due on that bet in the first place.
Joey: True, but he doesn't know that.
Monica: Yes, but his wife does.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ben and Chandler are present)
Joey: Where did Chandler go?
Monica: Beats me. Though I am enjoying the peace and quiet.
(Chandler enters with Mr. Moe)
Joey: What now? I already paid the bill.
Chandler: For which Monica and I are eternally grateful.
Chandler: The $10,000 was for our closing costs on our new place.
Joey (realizing he's been had): You mean….then who the hell is that?
Chandler: And here I thought you could spot a fellow actor.
Bill: Hi, Bill Spencer.
Joey: This was all a joke?
Chandler: Think of it as an insurance policy for me. I knew damn well that I could never get you to settle our bet, so I devised a little scheme to ensure that you'd pay.
Joey: But I would've paid! All you had to do was ask!
Monica: Joey, you just admitted to Ross that you were never gonna pay Chandler the money you lost.
Joey: Damn it! I forgot you heard that. Well it's a good thing that the check will bounce as high as the Empire State Building.
Jenna: Joey, you can go to prison if you bounce a $10,000 check.
(Joey gets up)
Chandler: Where are you going?
Joey: To transfer funds to the account. I don't wanna go back to jail!