THE ONE WITH JOEY'S STUNT
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Chandler, Rachel, Ross and Joey are present)
Monica: We should've done this a long time ago.
Joey: Done what?
Chandler: My in-laws have taken the kid for the weekend.
Joey: Then what the hell is Monica talking about?
Rachel: Hey, my in-laws took our kids for the weekend too!
Ross: So that means that we're free for the weekend.
Joey: That still doesn't explain what the hell Monica is talking about.
Monica: Joey, my parents took Michael, Ben and Caitlin for the weekend. That's what I was talking about.
Monica: It means….
Ross: Wait, just give him a minute.
Chandler: While we're waiting for the slow one here, did you guys call Jennifer and Brad?
Rachel: Yeah, they're meeting us here in an hour.
Joey: Wait a minute! So Rachel's in-laws took the kids for the weekend and so did Chandler's and Rachel and Chandler have the same in-laws. Rachel is married to Ross and Chandler is married to Monica, Ross and Monica are brother and sister, therefore, Monica and Ross' parents took the kids for the weekend. Is that right?
Ross: You're right.
Joey: I knew it!
Ross: Haven't you been taking a night course at the University Extension?
Chandler: What are you taking?
Joey: Deductive Reasoning. I'm not doing so well though. I thought the course was going to be about coming up with good reasons for when you screw up, with say your fiancé, but it's nothing like that at all.
Rachel: You don't say.
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Joey: What are we doing with Jennifer and Brad?
Monica: Well for starters, you're not doing anything with them. The four of us (pointing to herself, Chandler, Ross and Rachel) are going away for the weekend with Jennifer and Brad.
Joey: What about me and Phoebe?!
Monica: What about you?
Joey: Why aren't we going?
Monica: Because you weren't invited.
Joey: Whadda ya mean we weren't invited? We're always the life of the freaking party! If Phoebe and I weren't there you to entertain you, you'd all be bored out of your minds listening to Ross talk about the favorite sexual positions of dinosaurs from the Midol period!
Ross: It's Miocene, the Miocene period.
Rachel: I'm sorry Joe. Jennifer and Brad said they only have room for four more people and since we're all married, they thought it best to invite us.
Joey: Fine. I'll see you guys later!
Chandler: Where're you going Joe?
Joey: To yell at Jenna. I told her weeks ago that we should've gotten married already!
Ross: Joey, you've only been engaged for a month.
Joey: Well if we would've rushed things we'd be married by now and going with you guys this weekend. But no, I'm not married yet so I have to stay here. I can't go on some fancy trip and listen to Ross talk about the sexual habits of dinosaurs from the Midol period.
Ross: It's Miocene, the Miocene period!
Joey: What? (Joey leaves, passing Phoebe as she enters) It's just you and me this weekend, they're ditching us.
Phoebe: Ok. (to herself) I knew that not showering was going to come back to haunt me. (to the others) Hey!
Chandler: I think I'll be leaving now. I'll see you guys in an hour.
Ross: What's his problem?
Monica: Beats me.
Rachel: Maybe that's his problem.
Rachel: Maybe you haven't been beating it enough for him lately.
Monica: He gets plenty of practice, believe you me. Maybe he's mad at Joey.
Ross: Why'd he be mad at Joey? Joey was just here and everything was fine between them.
Rachel: I wonder what it is then. Chandler's not the type that just gets up and leaves like that.
Phoebe: Chandler's mad at me.
Rachel: You wouldn't beat it for him?
Monica: That better not be the reason!
Phoebe: No. It has to do with work. Let's just leave it at that. He can't stay mad at me forever.
Ross: What did you do? Actually find something for him to do at work?
Phoebe: I got him in trouble with Donna.
Rachel: Who's Donna?
Phoebe: The chief boss.
Everyone (but Phoebe): Oh.
Monica: What happened?
Phoebe: Two weeks ago….
Monica: Two weeks ago? Chandler's been mad at you for two weeks?
Phoebe: Would you let me finish?!
Phoebe: Two weeks ago Chandler had a staff meeting. It was my first official day as his Executive Assistant.
Rachel: Executive Assistant? (to Ross) I don't even have an Executive Assistant and I make more money than Chandler!
Phoebe: Can I finish the story please?
Rachel: I'm sorry Pheebs, go ahead. (to Ross) Executive Assistant, Chandler should be my Executive Assistant.
Phoebe: Are you done?
Rachel: Oops, sorry.
Phoebe: Anyway, at the meeting Chandler started yelling at his group leaders for not meeting their deadlines. Just when I thought he couldn't get any worse, he said to Mrs. Beaver, who had just returned from maternity leave a week earlier, "I guess that'll teach you not to have a child during our busy season".
Ross: Wow, it sounds like he was a little hard on the Beaver.
Rachel (laughing - to Ross): Kinda like you last night. (notices Phoebe is staring at her) I'm sorry, but he bit me down there.
Phoebe: Anyway, I talked with Donna about what had happened at the meeting and she talked to Chandler. Chandler hasn't said a word to me since.
Monica: No way. There's no way that Chandler would do something like that. I think you got stoned before you went to work Phoebe.
Phoebe: What does that have to do with anything? So I got stoned, so what? That doesn't give Chandler the right to embarrass his employees.
Ross (to Phoebe): You got stoned before you went to work?
Phoebe: You don't?
Rachel: Though you should. I'm sure your students would appreciate a little levity in the classroom.
Rachel: I'm just saying.
Monica: He really said that to Mrs. Beaver?
Phoebe: Yes. I couldn't believe it either. But if you don't believe me, I have the meeting notes right here in my purse.
Monica: I'll be back.
Rachel: Where're you going? Jennifer and Brad are gonna be here soon.
Monica: I'm going to tell Joey and Jenna that they're going away for the weekend.
NEW YORK STATE PARKWAY (Ross, Rachel, Joey, Jenna, Jennifer and Brad are present. They're driving to Niagara Falls for the weekend)
Joey: Where're we going again?
Jennifer: Niagara Falls.
Joey: Where's that?
Ross: The New York/Canadian border.
Joey: How is that possible? How can a place be on a border?
Brad: Pretty easily. It's like the Four Corners in the Southwest. Haven't you ever heard of the Four Corners?
Joey: Sure, it's the submarine shop down on the corner of 3rd and Black St.
Jenna (rubbing her eyes): This is going to be a long weekend.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica and Chandler are present. Monica's in bed)
Chandler: Is everything ok? I mean, you were fine a couple of hours ago and suddenly you can't even move.
Monica: Well excuse me for being a woman!
Chandler: It's just that it's our first weekend without Michael and I was really looking forward to going upstate with those guys.
Monica: And you think I planned on getting my period today? You think I magically told my body, hey, start shedding your uterine lining right now! It'll screw up my husband's plan to go away for the weekend!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm being really insensitive. How are you feeling?
Monica: Ok. Could you run to the store and get me some Midol?
Chandler: Don't you mean Miocene?
Monica: No, I mean Midol. Midol's a pain reliever, Miocene was a period in the Dinosaur ages.
Chandler: Right. I totally knew that.
(Chandler leaves. Moments later, Monica emerges from the bedroom. She picks up the phone)
Monica: Phoebe? (pause) Hey, it's Monica. Could you come over here and give me a hand with something? (pause) Oh, I need to move Chandler's barca-lounger but it's too heavy for me to do by myself. (pause) Yeah, I think he's hiding porno magazines under it. (pause) No, I don’t think your sister is in it. Would you just come over please? (pause) Thank you. (hangs up the phone) No wonder why Chandler is mad at her, she's absolutely exhausting at times.
NIAGRA FALLS (Ross, Rachel, Joey, Jenna, Jennifer and Brad are present)
Joey (to Ross): Dude, have you seen the size of that waterfall? It's absolutely huge!
Ross: Hey Joe, I got a crazy idea. You should go over that waterfall in a barrel. No one's ever done it before, you'd be the first. You thought you were already famous, you go over the waterfall in only a barrel and you'll be a national hero.
Joey: That's a great idea! I'm gonna go look into that. Thanks buddy! (Joey leaves)
Rachel: What did you do that for? You know how impressionable Joey is.
Jenna: Well I for one appreciated what Ross did. Joey was really starting to annoy me.
Jennifer: And just think, in six months you'll be married to him for the rest of your life.
Brad: Not if he actually goes over the falls in a barrel.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica is pacing about the flat)
Monica: Hurry up! Hurry up! (Phoebe enters) Hurry up!
Phoebe: Well excuse me for not actually running right over here!
Monica: No, no, no I was just saying hurry up to my eggplant that I have in the oven. I'm really hungry.
Phoebe: Eggplant? I could eat some eggplant.
Monica: Ok. Go wash your hands and I'll fix you some eggplant.
Phoebe: Aren't we gonna move Chandler's barca-lounger first?
Monica: Well we can't move something on an empty stomach!
Phoebe: Fine, keep your panties on. I'll go wash my hands.
(Phoebe enters the bathroom as Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hey, they didn’t have any Midol but the store clerk said that Bufferin works just as well. (looking at Monica) Why are you sweating?
Monica: I must be burning a fever. Could you go get me the thermometer from our bathroom?
(Chandler enters the bedroom as Phoebe exits the bathroom)
Phoebe: Bring on the eggplant!
Monica: Could you get me something from my bedroom first?
Monica: I like to eat eggplant dressed in a negligee.
Phoebe: Get it yourself. And for my sake, I don't wanna know why you eat eggplant in a negligee.
Monica: Please, I'd get it for myself but I don't want the eggplant to burn.
(Phoebe walks into the bedroom. Monica rushes over and slams the door shut and locks it)
Monica: Work it out suckers!
(Chandler comes out of the bedroom bathroom to find Phoebe holding a negligee)
Chandler: She wants us to sleep together?
NIAGRA FALLS (Everyone but Joey is at dinner)
Rachel (to Ross): Where is Joey?
Ross: What are you asking me for? Jenna's the one marrying the guy.
Jenna: I haven't seen him since this afternoon.
Brad: Maybe he's going over the falls as we speak.
Jennifer: Brad! Don't even joke like that! He could get killed!
Jenna: Joey may be stupid, but he's not even dumb enough to do something as stupid as that.
Rachel: Of course this is the man that ate a whole book on a dare. (to Ross) Go find him.
Ross: You go find him! I wanna eat my dinner.
Rachel: If you don't go find him right now, you'll never have dessert again.
Ross: Fine. (Ross gets up from the table. Brad starts laughing)
Jennifer: What are you laughing at? If you don't go with him you're not gonna be having dessert either.
Brad: We'll be back.
(Ross and Brad leave to find Joey)
Jennifer: Now that the guys are gone, I can finally have my talk with the two of you.
Jenna: If this about me marrying Joey, you can save it. I already got a long lecture from my parents.
Jennifer: No, it's not about you marrying Joey. It's about me and Brad.
Rachel: Oh my God! You guys are getting a divorce!
Jennifer: I don't think the cook heard you in the kitchen.
Rachel: Sorry. (whispering) You and Brad are getting a divorce?
Jennifer: No, I want to permanently move to the Hamptons and I need you two to help convince Brad for me.
Jenna: We're gonna have a foursome with Brad?
Rachel: You've been hanging out with Joey for too long.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Phoebe and Chandler are locked in the bedroom. Monica is cleaning the flat)
Chandler: Monica? Open the door!
Phoebe: I think she's ignoring us.
Chandler: Much like the way that I'm ignoring you.
Phoebe: Monica? Chandler's playing with himself in front of me. Please open the door, he's really starting to scare me!
Chandler: Monica! Open the door! Phoebe's humping your pillow and she has a yeast infection!
Monica: Tell Phoebe that I have some cream in the bathroom cabinet.
Chandler: Open the door!
Monica: No. You're not allowed out until you two are speaking to each other again. Now leave me alone, I'm cleaning.
Phoebe (to Chandler): The phone, we'll use the phone.
Chandler: You idiot, she can hear us through the door!
Phoebe: Listen two inch penis, I meant we'll call the police and have them arrest Monica for false imprisonment.
Chandler: That is a good idea. Where's the phone?
Monica: I have the phone out here. You think I'm that stupid?
Phoebe: She's good. You had to marry her, you couldn't have married Joey.
Chandler: For the last time, I'm not gay!
Phoebe: Oh right, that's your father. A honest mistake.
Chandler: There's gonna be a murder in here if you don't open the door right now Monica!
Monica: Well you've finally figured out mine and Phoebe's plan. Phoebe, the knife is under the mattress. Attack Chandler from the left side, he's completely defenseless on that side.
Phoebe: Oh look, there is a knife under the bed.
NIAGRA FALLS (Ross and Brad are looking for Joey)
Ross: Excuse me sir, but have seen a clueless Italian man walking around here? He's about 6 feet tall, answers to the name Joey.
Man: He wouldn't be the same guy who was looking for a barrel to go over the falls in would he?
Ross: Yes. That's the idiot.
Man: Yeah, I've seen him. I sent him up the riverbank about a mile.
Brad: Why exactly?
Man: That's where you can go to sign up to go down the river and over the falls in a barrel.
Ross: And you sent him there? Are you crazy?
Man: Why? Did you see a couple of men dressed in white looking for me?
Man: Good. If you see them, don't sell me out.
(The man leaves)
Ross: I don't believe this. Joey's gonna try to go over the falls in a barrel.
Brad: I guess all we can hope for is that they give him a helmet.
Ross: Why? It's not like he could get any dumber.
NIAGRA FALLS - UP THE RIVERBANK (Joey has come upon an old shack. He goes inside to find an old man)
Joey: Hey. Is the place where you can pick up a barrel?
Old Man: Who wants to know?
Joey: Joey Tribbiani.
Old Man: Who's that?
Old Man: Who's me?
Joey: I already told you, Joey Tribbiani.
Old Man: So you're some kind of smart aleck. So you want to go over the falls in a barrel?
Joey: Yes sir.
Old Man: Well I can't help you.
Joey: Why not?
Old Man: Because I don't have any barrels, just moonshine. You want some moonshine? It'll dull your senses before you go hurtling towards your death.
Joey: That's, that's ok. Where do I find the place where they have the barrels?
Old Man: Up the riverbank another 200 feet or so. Ask for OJ. He'll set you up.
Joey: Thanks old man.
Old Man: My name's Donald. Donald Trump.
Joey: The rich dude?
Old Man: That's my bastard of a son. He lives in a gold tower while his dad lives in a shack down by the river.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (An hour later. Phoebe and Chandler are sitting on the bed, backs to each other. Monica approaches the door)
Monica: It doesn't sound like you guys are talking in there.
Phoebe: Well it's kind a hard to talk when you have something long and hard thrusting in and out of your mouth.
Monica: Damn, you found my stash of lollipops. I'm still not letting you out. Talk it out or your staying in there indefinitely. (Monica goes back to the couch)
Chandler: You had to sell me out didn't you?
Phoebe: I didn't sell you out.
Chandler: You told on me!
Phoebe: No, I merely told Donna that you told Mrs. Beaver that she shouldn't have had her child during our busy season. You were merely hard on the Beaver.
Chandler: I was not hard on the Beaver!
Monica (from the couch): Please, you're constantly biting me down there!
Chandler: Ok, so I insulted Veronica. I didn't mean to do it. It just happened. You could've come to voice your concerns with me and instead you ran to Donna to tell on me!
Phoebe: I tried to voice my concerns to you! You merely said, and I quote "just sit there and take notes. That's your job".
Chandler: A job which you suck at by the way.
Phoebe: I do not suck!
Monica (from the couch): Please, Mitch told me how you both suck and swallow!
Phoebe: I'm gonna run through that door and carve her a new ass!
Chandler: There's not much to work with, she doesn't have much of an ass to work with.
Phoebe: Chandler, if I would've known that you were gonna get reprimanded by Donna, I never would've gone to see her in the first place.
Chandler: What did you think was going to happen? Did you think she was going to call me into her office and say, hey, great insult on Mrs. Beaver, keep up the good work?
Chandler: Face it, you have a lot to learn about working in a corporate environment.
Phoebe: So insulting the people that you work with is commonplace in corporate America?
Chandler: Look, this isn't about me. This about you and your need to be the righteous one all the time and you've found someone who won't buy into your new age crap!
Phoebe: I was totally wrong about you. You truly are an asshole.
NIAGRA FALLS (Ross and Brad have re-joined Rachel, Jenna and Jennifer at the bar)
Brad: This is a sight you don't see very often, two pregnant ladies saddled up to the bar.
Rachel: Make that three pregnant ladies.
Brad: Ok, three pregnant ladies saddled up to the bar.
Ross (to Rachel): There's only the three of you at the bar. Where's the other pregnant lady?
Rachel: You're looking at her.
Ross: You're….you're….you're? How can that be?
Jennifer: Well that can be a consequence of exploding the missile in the dark silo.
Ross: You mean….you mean?
Rachel: No. I'm just fooling around. I'm not pregnant.
Ross: Rachel! That's not even funny! (Ross goes to leave)
Rachel: Where're you going?
Ross: To change my underwear.
Rachel: I'm sorry, they put me up to it. Did you guys find Joey?
Jennifer: Then what are you doing back here? Do you not want dessert for the rest of your lives?
Brad: We looked everywhere for Joey. He has also made plans.
Ross: Joey's been asking people where he can find a barrel so he can over the falls in it.
Ross: Joey's planning on going over the falls in a barrel. That is if he can find someone stupid enough to give it to him.
Rachel: Let's go.
Ross: Where're we going? It's dark out and it's cold.
Rachel: And one of your close friends is about to go over the falls because you told him to do it! We have to find him and stop him!
Jennifer: I'm right behind you Rachel. Brad and I will help you.
Brad: We will?
Jennifer: I'm not even going to answer that.
Jenna: You're gonna leave me here by myself?
Rachel: You're going with us.
Jenna: But I'm pregnant!
Jennifer: I'm eight months pregnant, my ankles are the size of Texas and my underwear is so far up my crack that my ass is numb. Do you see me complaining?
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Phoebe and Chandler are locked in the bedroom. Monica is watching a movie on TV)
Chandler: I'm an asshole?
Phoebe: Very much so.
Chandler: Well you're a little flower girl.
Phoebe: You're a closeted gay man.
Chandler: You're dumber than Joey!
Phoebe: You doomed your son to a life of ridicule and embarrassment when you fathered Michael!
Chandler: You're a walking douche bag!
Phoebe: You're a fudge packer!
Chandler: You can't be in a serious relationship with a guy because you're afraid that he'll find out how screwed up you really are!
Phoebe: You're lower than scum!
Chandler: You're gonorrhea discharge!
Phoebe: You're one of my closest friends and I love you!
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I ran out of insults. Wait, I got another one. You're penis is so small that Monica has to use a microscope to find it so she can give you oral pleasure!
Chandler: You're vagina is so wide that the Federal Government is thinking of using it as an Expressway through New York City!
Monica (at the door): How are you guys doing in there?
Phoebe: You're a pile of rhinoceros dung!
Monica: I'll come back.
NIAGRA FALLS (Everyone is looking for Joey. They're walking along the riverbank)
Rachel: So how do you like the Hamptons Brad?
Brad: It's ok. I really miss Los Angeles though.
Jenna: What do you miss about it?
Brad: I dunno. I think I miss the filthy air.
Ross: Can't we just go back to our rooms? It's cold out here. I think I'm getting frostbite on my toes.
Rachel: Shut up Ross. (to Brad) So you don't think you could permanently live in the Hamptons?
Brad: It's a nice place to visit, but it's not the same as Hollywood Hills.
Jennifer: Don't you want our baby to grow up in a safe environment?
Brad: Sure I do.
Rachel: Don't you think living in the Hamptons is much safer than the Hollywood Hills?
Brad: I don't know, I haven't really thought about it.
Ross: For God's sake, get to the point!
Jennifer: What's your problem?
Ross: Brad, the girls obviously are trying to get you to stay in the Hamptons to raise your baby. Just say yes so we can get on to finding Joey before he joins the six feet under club.
Brad (to Jennifer): Is that what this is about?
Jennifer: Is that what this is about what?
Brad: You wanting to stay in the Hamptons permanently.
Jennifer: I don't know, we haven't really talked about it. I'd never make that decision unilaterally without talking to you first.
Brad: Yeah, but you would talk to Rachel and Jenna about it behind my back and use them to convince me to stay in New York.
Jennifer: I would never do that!
Jenna: Then why did you ask Rachel and I to do exactly that?
Jennifer: I knew I should've asked Rachel and Monica to do that for me.
Jennifer: I want to live permanently in the Hamptons.
Brad: Ok. Then we'll live here permanently. I'll put our mansion in the Hills up for sale when we return to the Hamptons.
Jennifer: We're gonna sell our place in the Hills?
Jennifer: But I don't want to sell our place in the Hills.
Brad: Well you're gonna have to make a choice then. We stay here in New York and sell our place in Hollywood or we go back to Los Angeles and live there.
Jennifer: But that's not fair.
Brad: But that's how it's gonna be.
Ross: Uh oh.
Ross: There's a bunch of people gathered on the river's edge about 50 feet from us.
Ross: I think Joey's found his barrel.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Phoebe and Chandler are locked in the bedroom. Monica is watching MTV)
Phoebe: How long have we been in here?
Chandler: Do I look like a clock?
Phoebe: Right. I've known you for almost ten years now, and I still have no idea what you are.
Chandler: It's 11pm.
Phoebe: Damn, she's had us in here for five hours.
Chandler: I guess we should just get it over with and make up.
Phoebe: Are you sure? This has been kind of fun, you know, insulting one another.
Chandler: Yeah, it has. I haven't had this much fun in quite a while.
Phoebe: How can that be? You're married. Don't you have sex every night?
Chandler: I wouldn't call having sex by yourself having sex every night.
Phoebe: I guess we should lock you and Monica up in here for a few days until you finally have sex.
Chandler: In that case, you better give us food and water. We'll be in here for at least a month.
Phoebe: Chandler, I'm really sorry that I got you in trouble with Donna. I just did what I thought was best.
Chandler: I know that.
Phoebe: Then why, before tonight of course, haven't you spoken to me?
Chandler: Because I was upset that you pointed out a flaw in me.
Chandler: Sometimes my humor shouldn't be used at the workplace and you called me on it and I didn't like it. No one's ever stood up to me the way you did and I didn't know how to handle it.
Phoebe: How is that possible? You live with Monica.
Chandler: Yeah, but in her case, I resigned myself a long time ago to the fact that she's always right. It makes our marriage much simpler. Work is the only place where I get to flex my muscle, and I guess I sometimes flex a little too much.
Phoebe: So are we cool?
Chandler: We're cool.
Phoebe: Monica? Monica, open the door. We've made up.
Chandler: Mon? Mon, are you out there? Open the door!
(cut to Monica who is asleep on the couch)
Phoebe: I bet that bitch is asleep.
Chandler: Well I'm going to bed.
Phoebe: What am I supposed to do?
Chandler: Well the bed does have room for two people.
Phoebe: You want me to sleep with you?
Chandler: Well I haven't had sex with a woman in a while, so sure. Why not?
Phoebe: It's been a while for me too. Do you like the top or bottom?
Chandler: The bottom.
Phoebe: I guess we'll teach Monica not to lock us in her bedroom with two horny people.
Chandler: Ah, we're not really going to have sex are we?
Phoebe: You think I'd stoop that low? (pause) Don't answer that, we just made up.
NIAGRA FALLS (Everyone has joined the group on the river's edge)
Rachel: Excuse me Miss, what's going on?
Woman: This guy's gonna go over the falls in a barrel.
Ross: This wouldn't happen to be a guy about 6 feet tall, 200 pounds with dark hair would it?
Woman: That's right.
Brad: Oh my God! He's gonna do it!
Jennifer: Ross! Do something!
Ross: And what am I supposed to do?
Jennifer: Stop him!
(Ross races to the river's edge, just as the barrel releases into the open water)
(Ross re-joins the others)
Jenna: Did you stop him?
Ross: Does he look like he's here? We'd better get to below the falls.
(Cut to Joey in his insulated barrel)
Joey (to himself): I'm gonna be a hero! I'm gonna be on national TV and everything! Oh no! What have I done? I'm gonna die!
(20 minutes pass. Everyone has gathered below the falls)
Ross: They've sent a boat out to fish Joey out of the water after he goes over the falls.
Brad: Did anyone call the paramedics?
Jenna: Why would they call the paramedics? He's gonna be ok right?
Jennifer: He's gonna be fine.
Jennifer: Shut up Brad! He's gonna be fine Jenna.
Rachel: This is all your fault Ross!
Ross: Why is it my fault?
Rachel: Does " Hey Joe, I got a crazy idea. You should go over that waterfall in a barrel" ring any bells with you?
Ross: I didn't think he'd actually do it!
(Cut to Joey, who is 20 feet from the falls)
Joey: I've got to get out of this thing! Maybe the river will suddenly reverse direction. That would be so cool. (The barrel goes over the falls) Sh^t! Here comes lunch! (the barrel smacks down onto the water below) That's gonna leave a bruise!
(Cut to the others)
Ross (pointing): Look, he made it!
Brad: Dead or alive is the question.
Jenna: Please, please let him be ok. Please let him live!
Rachel: I've always wondered what it's like staring death in the face.
Ross: You obviously haven't seen yourself in the mirror when you're mad. (Rachel shoots Ross a look) Hey, death is staring straight at me.
(cut to the boat. The captain has fished Joey out of the water)
Captain: You're lucky to be alive son. Some people want to speak to you.
Joey: The press?
Captain: No, the police.
Captain: That stunt you just pulled, that's totally illegal. It's punishable by a year in jail and $100,000 fine.
Joey: It is?!
Captain: Of course it is. They make laws so stupid people don't throw themselves over the falls in only a barrel.
Joey: I'm not gonna be famous?
Captain: No, you'll definitely be famous. You'll just enjoy your fame in a jail cell.
(Cut to an hour later. Joey is talking with the police. Jennifer has joined him. The others are standing a few feet away)
Ross: I can't believe he actually did it. He really is stupid.
Rachel: You told him to do it!
Ross: Just goes to show how stupid he really is. He's never listened to me before.
Jenna: What's gonna happen to him?
Brad: He'll probably spend some time in jail. He should be out before your baby is born.
(cut to Joey and Jennifer)
Jennifer: Like I was saying Officer, this is all my fault. Joey was crushed when I told him that I'm not carrying his baby.
Officer: Aren't you married to a Hollywood superstar?
Jennifer: Yes. Yes I am.
Officer: Then why do you expect me to believe that this idiot could even father your child?
Jennifer: Because, because, because we had a one night stand. I was mad at my husband and Joey came over to comfort me. One thing led to another and we slept together. I felt so guilty that I told Joey that the baby was his.
Officer: That makes no sense at all.
Jennifer: You do strange things when you've had an illicit affair.
Officer: Fine. We won't arrest you Mr. Tribbiani. You will however have a large fine to pay.
Joey: How large?
Joey: $100,000?! I don't have a $100,000!
Jennifer: Shut up Joey.
Jennifer: You have a $100,000. Trust me.
Joey (to the officer): I'll pay the fine.
Officer: The court will be in touch.
(Jennifer and Joey join the others)
Joey (to Jennifer): Where am I gonna get $100,000?
Jennifer: Consider it a wedding present from Brad and I.
Joey: Damn, what would've I gotten if I'd actually gotten you pregnant?
Brad: A serious ass kicking.
Jenna (hitting Joey): Have you completely lost your mind? You could've killed yourself!
Joey: Hey, if I would've known that I was going to get arrested and fined, I wouldn't have done it. (to Ross) You think that you would've known that was gonna happen!
Ross: You think I would.
Rachel: Well at least your ok. Out of curiosity, what was it like?
Joey: Well at first it was like being weightless, then it felt like I ran into a brick wall at 60 mph. It was, it was the best amusement park ride that I've ever been on!
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Chandler and Phoebe are asleep on the bed. Chandler has his arm draped over Phoebe. They're spooning. Monica, who has just awoken, walks into the bedroom and climbs into bed. Hours later, morning comes. Monica awakens first and finds Chandler and Phoebe still in the spooning position)
Monica: Oh my God! Did we have a threesome?