THE ONE WITH THE KISS
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK(Chandler and Phoebe are present)
Chandler: Monica's having lunch with Cindy today.
Chandler: Cindy's a lesbian.
Chandler: They're gonna eat pie together.
Chandler: She's gonna pull a Carol and leave me for Cindy.
Chandler: You're obviously not the person I should be talking about this with.
Chandler: Are you even listening to me?
Chandler: Are you listening to me?
Phoebe: Was that you talking? I thought that was all in my head.
BAKER'S SQUARE RESTAURANT (Monica and Cindy Magana are present)
Monica: My God! You're totally right, this pie is to die for.
Cindy: I told you.
Monica: Why haven't I heard about this place before now?
Cindy: Because only lesbians know about this place.
Cindy: I'm kidding. This place just opened last week. I was doing some work down here and I stumbled upon this place.
Monica: What do you do exactly?
Cindy: I'm a model.
Cindy: Does that surprise you?
Monica: Actually no. You're a beautiful woman with a great body. Why wouldn't you be a model?
Cindy: It pays the bills. The traveling gets to you though. It's tough to maintain a relationship when you're traveling so much. But that's the price that you pay.
Monica: How long have you been doing it?
Cindy: Almost eight years. Before that I was a travel agent.
Monica: How'd you make the transition from a travel agent to a model? That seems kinda odd to me.
Cindy: It's a funny story. I was working for Acevedo Travel in Manhattan and one day this woman came in to book a trip to Mexico. She took one look at me and said that I had to go with her.
Monica: Was she a talent agent or something?
Cindy: No. She was an international model.
Monica: So she was really famous.
Cindy: Have you ever heard of Cindy Crawford?
Monica (excited): Cindy Crawford was the one that got you into modeling?
Cindy: No, but the Russian version of Cindy Crawford did. Her name was Mari Maleeva and she was absolutely huge in Eastern Europe at the time. Anyway, I went to Mexico with her and the rest is history.
Monica: What happened to Mari?
Cindy: What happens to most models.
Monica: What's that?
Cindy: She died of a drug overdose a couple of years ago.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Mitch, Chandler and Michael are present)
Phoebe: Where's Monica?
Chandler: I already told you. She's having lunch with lesbian Cindy.
Mitch: Lesbian Cindy?
Chandler: Yeah, Cindy's this woman that Ross and I went to college with. She got together with Carol while they were in college.
Mitch: Who's Carol?
Phoebe: Ross' ex-wife.
Phoebe: It's a long story, but in a nutshell, Carol was straight, married Ross, divorced Ross for another woman, and then left the other woman for a man. She's a very confused woman.
Mitch: Are we on Candid Camera or something?
Chandler: No, it's a true story.
(Ross, Rachel and Caitlin enter. Caitlin is walking, holding Rachel's hand)
Ross: What's up?
Chandler: Oh my God! Caitlin's walking.
Phoebe: Where have you been? Caitlin's been walking for over a week.
Rachel: You knew about Caitlin walking and didn't say anything to us?
Phoebe: I promised Ben I wouldn't say anything.
Rachel: That boy won't talk to his parents but he'll tell Aunt Phoebe anything.
Phoebe: Well that's because his parents ground him when he gets in trouble.
Rachel: He saw us having sex!
Phoebe: How do you expect the boy to learn?
Mitch: Your first wife Carol, she was a closeted lesbian when you married her?
Ross: Yeah she left me for Susan and then she left Susan for Ryan. She's a big time changing teams type of person.
Mitch: That's absolutely wild.
Phoebe: We've got to go Mitch.
Mitch: Where are we going?
Phoebe: To buy a new car for me.
Rachel: You're gonna buy a new car?
Phoebe: Yeah. My grandmother's cab finally died.
Chandler: Where's the cab now?
Phoebe: In car heaven.
Ross: Car heaven?
Phoebe: The junkyard.
Chandler: Ah, did you remember to get your grandmother's ashes out of the cab before you gave it to the junkyard?
Phoebe: Grandma! (Phoebe rushes out)
Chandler: I guess not.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are present)
Jenna (emerging from the bathroom): Are you almost ready?
Jenna (looking at Joey): You're still in your gym shorts! We've got to be at the party in twenty minutes!
Joey: So? I've got plenty of time.
Jenna: Why are you procrastinating?
Jenna: Why are you stalling?
Joey: So I don't have to go?
Jenna (hugging Joey): You're going. Now go get dressed. Wait, take a shower first, you stink.
Joey: You smell pretty crappy yourself.
Jenna: I just showered!
Joey (taking Jenna by the hand): So you're saying you don't want to shower again?
BLOOMINGDALE'S (Monica and Cindy are shopping)
Cindy: What do you think of this dress for the reunion?
Monica: I think you'll have most of the guys there wishing that you weren't a lesbian.
Cindy: What about the women?
Monica: If I were a lesbian, I'd want to see you out of it.
Cindy: I think I'll try it on.
(Cindy goes into the dressing room, Monica continues to browse. Monica's cell phone rings)
Monica: Hello? (pause) Hey sweetie. (pause) We're just shopping. (pause) Would you cut it out?! We're not doing scenes from Personal Best. (pause) His extra diapers are under the sink in the bathroom. (pause) No, I'm not gonna buy a slutty dress for the reunion. (pause) Because I'm gonna go naked. Goodbye.
(Cindy emerges from the dressing room in the dress)
Cindy: Well what do you think?
Cindy: You like it?
Monica: I may be straight, but seeing you in that dress would tempt me to change teams.
DODGE CAR LOT (Phoebe and Mitch are present)
Mitch: So what kind of car do you want?
Phoebe: I dunno, something that's fun to drive.
Mitch: How 'bout this?
Phoebe: A Neon? You want me to buy a Dodge Neon? I'm only 33, not 63.
Mitch: I'm sorry, I think these cars a cool.
Phoebe: Then we shouldn't be dating.
Car Salesman: Good afternoon. My name is David Lee Roth, how can I help you?
Phoebe: You're not the David Lee Roth are you?
David: According to my birth certificate, yes that's my name.
Phoebe: Were you the lead singer for Van Halen in the 1980's?
David: No, you must have me mistaken with someone else.
Phoebe: Seriously, we won't say anything. Were you the lead singer for Van Halen in the 1980's?
David: Lady, I really don't know what you're talking about.
Phoebe: So Running With The Devil means nothing to you?
David: Only if your Satan incarnate.
Mitch: Phoebe, leave the man alone.
Phoebe: Do you have any Dodge Vipers on the lot?
David: Yes. We have a black one in the back. Are you interested in the Viper?
Phoebe: Am I Crazy From The Heat?
David: No ma'am. Would you care to test drive the Viper?
Phoebe: Yes. Yes I would.
David: Very well. I'll be right back.
(David walks away to get the car)
Phoebe: That's David Lee Roth! I can't believe he's selling cars now!
Mitch: Who is David Lee Roth?
Phoebe: Did you spend the '80s in a cave or something? David Lee Roth was the lead singer for Van Halen until 1984.
Mitch: Ok, at the risk of being completely embarrassed, who's Van Halen?
Phoebe: They were only the pre-eminent rock group of the 1980s. Don't you remember the song Jump? Or Beautiful Girls?
Mitch: My parents didn't let me listen to rock music.
Phoebe: How did you ever get hot chicks in high school if you weren't up to date on the music scene?
Mitch: I didn't get hot chicks. I dated all the ugly girls.
THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Joey, Jenna and the rest of the Cast are present)
Jenna: This is so exciting!
Joey: Not as exciting as the Yankee-Angels game that I'm missing.
Jenna: Why are you being such a frump?
Joey: I hate these cast parties. They're nothing but an ass kissing fest.
Jenna: You're still upset that the writers put your character in a coma.
Joey: I changed one line and they retaliate by putting me in a coma for six weeks. It's not fair.
Jenna: Didn't you get fired from Days of Our Lives the first time for saying that you made up your own lines?
Joey: I didn't get fired, they dropped my character down an elevator shaft. Will you drop it?
Jenna: Fine. But for you information, having your character dropped down an elevator shaft is the same thing as getting fired.
(A staff writer approaches Joey)
Writer: Hey Joey.
Joey: Hey Frank.
Joey: Right, Jenna this is Frank, Frank this is Jenna.
Frank: Nice to meet you Jenna.
Jenna: You too.
Frank: Look, I know that you're still pissed at us, but I came over here to try to patch things up with you.
Joey: Then take my character out of a coma.
Frank: Joey, I would if I could, but you know that we write episodes two months in advance. But trust me, we've got great things in store of your character when he emerges from the coma.
Joey: Like what?
Frank: I can't tell you that. You're just gonna have to be patient. I'll see you later.
Jenna: Did you hear that? They've got big things planned for your character!
Joey: Yeah, but now I have to wait. God, I hate writers even more.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica and Cindy have arrived at the door)
Monica: You really didn't need to help me up with my stuff.
Cindy: Don't be silly. It's the least that I could do.
Monica: So I guess Chandler and I will see you at the reunion.
Monica: Ok. Thanks again. This was fun, we should do it again some time.
Cindy: Yeah, that would be great.
(Monica gives Cindy a hug. As she pulls away, she looks at Cindy for a minute. Cindy then kisses Monica. Monica is caught off guard to say the least)
Monica: I wasn't expecting that.
Cindy: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'll see you later. (Cindy leaves. Monica stands at the door for a minute then enters the flat)
Chandler: Hey Mon.
Chandler: Are you ok? You're all white.
Monica: Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I'm just a little nauseous. I'll be right back. (Monica runs to the bathroom and gets sick)
Chandler (going to check on Monica): Are you alright?
Monica: Yeah, I'm fine. Must have been a bad piece of pie or something. I'm gonna go lie down.
DODGE CAR LOT (Phoebe and Mitch are present)
Mitch: Where did he go? He's been gone for like ten minutes.
Phoebe: Maybe Eddie Van Halen called and told him that they want him back in the band after all.
Mitch: Who's….never mind.
(David pulls up in the Dodge Viper)
David: Get in.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, but I thought I'd be test driving the car.
David: It's the lot's policy that I drive the car off the lot. After that, the car's all yours.
(Phoebe and Mitch get in. David turns on the radio. Panama by Van Halen is playing)
David: As you can see, this car comes equipped with an excellent stereo system.
Phoebe: Yeah. Tell me about this song.
David: I'm sorry?
Phoebe: How did you come up with the title Panama?
David: I really don't know what you're talking about ma'am.
Phoebe: Come on, you're David Lee Roth, you wrote the lyrics to this song! Really, where did you get the line "got an on ramp cutting through my bedroom" from?
David: I think I'll let you two take the car out now. (David gets out of the car and Phoebe gets in the driver's seat) Please obey all traffic laws and bring the car back in one piece or you bought it.
Phoebe: Not a problem. (Phoebe peels out and starts driving)
Mitch: Hold on a minute!
Mitch: My lunch just re-appeared in my mouth!
Phoebe: I'm telling ya, that's really David Lee Roth.
Mitch: Of course it is, he admitted that's what his name is.
Phoebe: No, I'm telling you that that man was the lead singer of Van Halen until they fired him in 1984. I'm gonna prove it to you.
Mitch: How are you gonna do that?
Phoebe: I'm Phoebe, I can do anything I want.
(Police sirens go on behind Phoebe)
Policeman: Pull over please.
Mitch: Apparently not everything.
THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Joey and Jenna are present. They're in someone's office)
Jenna: Joey, this is crazy! We're gonna get caught!
Joey: No we're not. All of the writers are at the party. They'll never know we were here. Here, here it is.
Jenna: Here's what?
Joey: It's one of the scripts for an episode two months from now. My character should be out of the coma by then.
Jenna: Joey, this isn't a good idea. If you get caught, you're gonna get fired.
Joey: You're not gonna believe this.
Joey: My character finds a cure for breast cancer and gets Angelique too.
Jenna: Who's Angelique?
Joey: What do you mean who's Angelique? You told me you were watching the show.
Jenna: I only watch your scenes.
Joey: But I've been in a coma all week.
Jenna: Therefore there hasn't been much to watch. Now who's Angelique?
Joey: She's the character on the show who has breast cancer. According to the script she's on her deathbed when I suddenly find the cure for breast cancer. I save Angelique and she's so happy that she leaves Romero for me.
Jenna: Wait a minute, I thought you were married to Gwen?
Joey: No, Gwen left me for Eric after she poisoned my drink and I lapsed into the coma. You haven't been watching the show have you?
Jenna: Well it's not like I have a job or anything.
(Joey hears someone coming from outside the office)
Joey: Quick, shut off the lights. Someone's coming!
Jenna: I told you we were gonna get caught!
(Joey and Jenna hide behind a desk. Frank, the writer, enters with a woman)
Frank: I really should be doing this Angela. You know we're not supposed to let you know what we're gonna do with your character in the coming months. It kills the spontaneity of the show.
Angela: Look, I have just heard rumors that I'm gonna be paired with Joey's character and I wanna know if it's true or not.
Frank: I really can't tell you that.
Angela: I'll make it worth your while. (Angela kisses Frank)
Frank: I suppose I could give you a sneak peak of a script.
Angela: As long as my character isn't hooking up with that slime ball Dr. Ross Greco, I'll be happy. Joey is always insisting that his female co-workers kiss him with tongue, and I refuse to do that. God knows where his filthy little mouth has been.
(Joey, mad, goes to stand up but Jenna pulls have down)
Frank: Then I don't think you're gonna like what we have in store for Angelique.
Frank: Because we have Dr. Greco saving Angelique on her deathbed. Angelique is so grateful that she leaves Romero for Dr. Greco.
Angela: What?! I'll quit before I allow you to pair me up with that idiot Joey Tribbiani!
(Joey pops up from behind the desk)
Joey: I don't wanna kiss your skanky ass either! You've been ridden some many times that all the jockeys have saddle sores!
Frank: What are you doing in here Joey?
Joey: Ah, just looking for the bathroom?
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel and Caitlin are present. Rachel is feeding Caitlin)
Rachel: Come Caitlin, you have to eat your applesauce. (Puts the food in Caitlin's mouth. Caitlin promptly spits back at Rachel) No honey, Mommy doesn't want any applesauce right now. This is for you. (Puts the food in Caitlin's mouth again. Caitlin once again spits it back at Rachel) Ok, ok, you're not hungry. Just don't expect me to feed you at midnight again, you only get away with that once. (there's a knock on the door. Rachel answers it, it's Monica)
Rachel: Hey, what's going on?
Monica: I need to talk to you.
Rachel: Sure, come on in.
Monica: Thanks. Ah, why do you have applesauce in your hair?
Rachel: Because Caitlin thinks it's funny to spit her food into my hair.
Monica: Is Ross here?
Rachel: No, he and Ben went to the movies.
Rachel: What's the matter?
Monica: I'm really confused.
Rachel: About what?
Monica: Something happened to me today that I totally wasn't expecting.
Rachel: Chandler clean the flat?
Monica (laughing): Like that would ever happen.
Rachel: Then what?
Monica: Do you remember Cindy?
Rachel: The beautiful lesbian that showed up at Caitlin's birthday party?
Monica: That's the one.
Rachel: What about her?
Monica: Well I went out to lunch and then shopping with her today. We had a really great time.
Rachel: So why are you confused?
Monica: Because when I said goodbye to her at my door, I gave her a hug.
Rachel: So? I give you hugs all the time.
Monica: And then she kissed me, and the weird thing is I think I kissed her back.
(Rachel just stares at Monica)
DODGE CAR LOT (Phoebe and Mitch have returned to the lot. David comes over to the car)
David: So? What do you think?
Phoebe: I really like it. How much is it?
David: This one goes for $74,999.
Mitch: You're kidding me.
David: No, these are very popular among the rich crowd.
Phoebe: Then consider me a member.
Mitch: You're gonna buy this car?
Phoebe: You still want me to buy that stupid Neon don't you?
Mitch: Well it is more practical.
Phoebe: Do I look practical to you?
Phoebe: Then I'll take it.
David: Great. Do you need to talk to someone in our Finance Department?
Phoebe: What's that?
David: They're the department that handles car loans for our buyers.
Phoebe: No, I'm gonna pay in cash.
Mitch: You have $75,000 in your purse?
Phoebe: Don't all rich people?
Mitch: But what if you're mugged?
Phoebe: Huh, never thought about that. I guess the mugger wouldn't have to mug anyone else for a year. So David, when you were with Van Halen, you carried $100,000 in cash on you right?
David: For the last time, I'm not who you think I am. I've never even heard of this Van Halen.
Phoebe: Really? Well tell me who the bass player for Van Halen was?
David: How could I tell you that if I've never heard of Van Halen before?
Phoebe: I guess I won't buy the car then.
Phoebe: I'm not gonna buy a $75,000 car from a man named David Lee Roth if he isn't the real David Lee Roth who was the lead singer for Van Halen in the 1980s.
Mitch: So you're gonna buy the Neon instead?
Phoebe: No. I'm not buying anything from this place. Their employees aren't who they say they are.
Mitch: But the man is David Lee Roth, he's just not the David Lee Roth that you're thinking of.
Phoebe: Let's go Mitch.
(The lot manager approaches Phoebe, Mitch and David)
Lot Manager: How are you folks today?
Phoebe: I was fine until I came here.
Lot Manager: Oh? What seems to be the problem?
Phoebe: You're salesman here won’t admit that he was the lead singer for Van Halen in the 1980s.
Lot Manager: Can I see you for a minute David?
David (uneasy): Sure.
Mitch: Phoebe, this isn't funny anymore. You're gonna get the salesman fired.
Phoebe: Then he should have never told me his name was David Lee Roth.
Mitch: But that's the man's name!
(The lot manager and David return)
Lot Manager: Miss? I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
Phoebe: It's Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay.
Lot Manager: I thought I recognized you. I really enjoyed your movies.
Phoebe: He's referring to my sister Ursula who uses my name as a screen name for her porn career.
Mitch: Now I know why you don't speak to your sister.
Lot Manager: Phoebe, David here has something to tell you. Go ahead David.
David: Phoebe, I am in fact the David Lee Roth. I was the lead singer for Van Halen until I was fired in 1985.
Phoebe: Well that's nice, but I don't believe you.
Mitch: Phoebe, what more do you want? The man admitted he was the lead singer for Van Halen.
Phoebe: I want David to name the other band members of Van Halen, their birthdays, and the release date for 1984.
Lot Manager: Is this really necessary Ms. Buffay?
Phoebe: Do you want me to take a $75,000 car off your lot today?
David: Don't worry about it Peter, I'll do it. On bass was Michael Anthony, date of birth June 20th, 1954; on drums was Alex Van Halen, date of birth May 8th, 1953; and on guitar and keyboards was Eddie Van Halen, date of birth January 26th, 1955. The release date for 1984 was December 31, 1983 and as an added bonus, the song Top Jimmy was based on a band called Top Jimmy and the Rhythm Pigs who were tearing up the LA club scene in the early 1980s.
Phoebe (reaching into her purse): Here's $75,000, I'll take the car. And it's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Roth, I'm a huge fan of yours.
David: Just don't tell anyone that I'm selling cars now. It's bad enough that you figured it out.
Phoebe: Don't be ashamed David. Before I inherited millions, I lived on the streets for a period. You'll bounce back. Besides, who is Van Halen kidding? Gary Cherone? He can't hold a candle to you.
David: Thanks. Enjoy the car.
THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Joey, Jenna, Frank and an Executive Producer are present)
Executive Producer: Joey, you've really stepped in it this time.
Joey: Stepped in what?
Executive Producer: Let me put it this way, you went into the writers' offices and snooped around. You don't do that.
Joey: I'm sorry Bob. I just wanted to find out what happens to my character when I get out of the coma.
Bob: Fine. If you really want to know, I'll tell you. First you emerge from the coma and then you discover a cure for breast cancer. You save Angelique from her deathbed, have an affair with her and then you get murdered by a jealous Romero.
Joey: You're gonna kill off my character?!
Frank: Ah, that wasn't in the story arcs.
Bob: Re-writes start on Monday. The way I look at it Joey, you've got four months left here with General Hospital, I'd start updating your resume if I were you.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel, Caitlin and Monica are present. Caitlin's in her playpen)
Rachel: You kissed Cindy?
Monica: I don't know. It all happened so fast. One second we were hugging and the next she was apologizing for kissing me.
Rachel: What'd you do after that?
Monica: I went inside and threw up lunch.
Rachel: What did Chandler say?
Monica: I didn't tell him anything. I just said that my stomach was upset.
Rachel: Where's Chandler now?
Monica: He's at home with Michael. Is there any way I can explain this to him so that he'll understand that it was an isolated incident?
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah there is. But if it was an isolated incident, why do you feel confused?
Monica (burying her head in her lap): Because I think I'm attracted to Cindy.
Monica: I just can't stop thinking about what happened.
Rachel: But that doesn't mean that you're attracted to Cindy. You were just caught off guard.
Rachel: Yeah, it's not like you and I have never kissed before.
Rachel: And it's not like you and I didn't do other stuff together too. As I recall, it got rather wild.
Monica: Stop, stop it.
Monica: I keep picturing myself doing those things with Cindy.
Rachel: You need to tell Chandler what happened. I'm sure he'll be upset, but he loves you and as long as you love him, this whole thing will blow over.
Monica: I do love Chandler. I really do. I really don't want Cindy, I want Chandler. How should I tell him?
Rachel: I dunno. Just blurt it out.
Monica: Maybe I should have Ross tell him.
Monica: Well for one, he has practice in these things, he was married to Carol after all. He knows what it's like when your wife tells you that she kissed another woman and liked it.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Michael's asleep)
Chandler: You're being awfully quiet.
Monica: Yeah. Sorry.
Chandler: It's kinda nice. It doesn't happen often.
Monica (hitting Chandler): Take that back!
Chandler: See, things aren't so bad.
Monica: I have something to tell you.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I should have taken the garbage out but I forgot. I'll go do it right now.
Monica: It's not that. Cindy and I kissed this afternoon.
Monica: Cindy and I kissed this afternoon.
Chandler: You're talking like cheek to cheek kisses right?
Monica: More like mouth to mouth. (Chandler looks at Monica and then gets up to leave) Where're you going? Shouldn't we talk about this?
Chandler (upset): Yeah, I'm going to Ross'. I don't know how to react and since he has personal experience in this arena, I think I'll talk to him first, you freaking lesbian.
(Chandler leaves. Monica stares at the wall)
IN FRONT OF CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Ben, Phoebe and Mitch are present)
Ross: This car is awesome! Can I take it for a spin?
Ross: Why not?
Phoebe: Because this car must be driven faster than 45 mph and you're driving capabilities don't allow that.
Mitch: Tell him who you bought the car from.
Ross: Who'd you buy it from?
Phoebe: The salesman's name at the Dodge lot was David Lee Roth.
Ross: Who's David Lee Roth?
Ben: Dad, are you a total geek? David Lee Roth was only the lead singer for Van Halen until he was fired in 1985.