THE ONE WITH MICHAEL'S PLACE
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Monica and Chandler are present)
Ross: Ah, I really like this. No kids, no worries.
Monica: That's easy for you to say, this isn't the first time you've left your baby with Mom.
Chandler: Come on Monica, everything's gonna be fine. Today will be like the day that we first got married.
Monica: What? Are you gonna forget to go to the right church again?
Rachel: She's got you there Chandler.
Chandler (to Monica): It's not my fault that the stupid limo service that you hired didn't pick us up to take us to the right church.
Ross: So do you guys wanna do something together today?
Chandler: Ah, what I had in mine only takes two.
Monica: Then you can have sex with Ross and Rachel and I will go shopping.
Chandler (to Ross): How long did you have to wait until Rachel would sleep with you again after Caitlin was born?
Ross: About a month.
Chandler (to Monica): Your time is up missy. It's been a month, drop your drawers.
Monica: Are you talking to me?
Chandler: Damn right I'm talking to you. Let's go have sex.
Monica: Good, you've just added another month to your sentence.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are in bed)
Jenna: What time is it?
Joey: Do I look like a watch?
Jenna: No, you look like a big dumb idiot.
Joey: It's 10.
Jenna: Crap, I have got a meeting in an hour. I've gotta go.
Jenna: What part of "I have a meeting in an hour" did you not understand?
Joey: Can't you just blow it off?
Jenna (getting out of bed): No, I can't blow it off. I'm an executive, executives don't blow off meetings.
Jenna: I'm sorry Joey, I've got to get home, get changed and get to the office. I'll see you later.
Joey: I know how we could fix this problem.
Jenna: I wasn't aware that we had a problem.
Joey: Well then I know how I can fix my problem.
Jenna: What's your problem?
Jenna (mad): Excuse me? I'm your problem?
Joey: Not exactly.
Jenna: Joey, as much fun as this little game is, I've really got to go.
Joey: Fine, I won't share my solution with you.
Jenna: Great. I'll see you later.
(Jenna leaves the bedroom and walks to the door. Joey emerges from the bedroom)
Joey: Jenna, wait!
Joey: Move in with me.
(Jenna just stands there and stares at Joey)
TOYS R US (Chandler is on the phone. Jenna enters)
Chandler (on the phone): How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? (pause) That's a little extreme don't you think? (pause) But Monica, I love you. I need to make love to you. (pause) Fine. I'll continue my secret relationship with my hand. (Chandler hangs up the phone)
Jenna: Trouble at home?
Chandler: Yeah. Monica won't give it up.
Jenna: Well she did just have a baby.
Chandler: That was a month ago!
Jenna: Women take a little longer then men to crave sex after a child is born.
Chandler: Have you ever had kids?
Chandler: Then what the hell do you know.
Jenna: I'll come back later. (Jenna goes to leave)
Chandler: I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated. What's up?
Jenna: I have a problem.
Chandler: My God, you're not late again are you?
Jenna: No, no. Nothing like that. Joey asked me to move in with him.
Chandler: That's great! We'll be neighbors. Hey, we can even share a cab to work.
Jenna: I don't think I'm ready to move in with him.
Chandler: That'll pass. So when are you moving in?
Jenna: Are all of you guys this stupid?
Chandler: No, only Joey and I. Ross is as sharp as a tack. Why don't you want to move in with Joey?
Jenna: It's too soon.
Chandler: Did you tell him that?
Jenna: I was hoping that you could tell him for me.
Chandler: Are you incapable of making any relationship decisions?
Jenna: Pretty much.
Chandler: Wow, we're more alike then I thought.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Joey and Monica are present)
Monica: Where's Mitch Phoebe?
Phoebe: He's out looking for a job.
Joey: Yeah that's tough. I know what it's like to be unemployed.
Monica: Joey, it's a miracle in and of itself that you can even stayed employed.
Joey: Hey, I've worked for General Hospital for over a year now.
Monica: Speaking of which, why aren't you at the set now?
Joey: They suspended me for a week for repeatedly showing up late. I mean, is it my fault that I forgot to set the clocks back when daylight savings time ended?
Joey: Thanks for your support.
Monica: Ok, I'm gonna tell you guys something but you've got to promise me that you won't tell Chandler.
Phoebe: Ok, I love good gossip.
Monica: This isn't gossip.
Phoebe: Then I won't promise that I won't tell Chandler.
Monica: Fine, leave Joey and me alone.
Phoebe: But I wanna know!
Monica: Then you can't say anything to Chandler.
Joey: Would you just share the God damn secret?! I have A.D.D. you know!
Monica: Ok, ok. I'm opening a new restaurant!
Joey: Are you gonna serve fried chicken?
Joey: Then why in the hell are you telling me all this?
Phoebe: What's the name of the restaurant?
Monica: Michael's Place.
Joey: Shouldn't it be Monica's place?
Phoebe: She's naming it after her son you moron.
Phoebe: Wait, what about Allesandro's?
Monica: As of Friday, I'm no longer the head chef. Michael's Place opens on Monday.
Joey: What type of food are you serving?
Phoebe: But aren't you Jewish?
Monica: Yeah, but I don't like kosher food.
Joey: I am so there. (pause) I eat for free right?
Phoebe: Where'd you get the money to do this?
Monica: From Chandler's slot machine winnings. I used $300,000 as seed money to buy the equipment I needed and rent the space. It's perfect, the restaurant is right here in the Village.
Phoebe: Did you tell him that you spent some of the money?
Monica: No. I'm his wife, he won't mind.
Phoebe: Can I be there when you tell him?
Monica: No. I'm surprising him by taking him there on Sunday for a romantic dinner. And why do you wanna be there when I tell him?
Phoebe: So I can see him drive a stake through your heart.
Joey: You're gonna christen the place by having sex aren't you?
Phoebe: You're such a slut. (Monica glares at Phoebe) What? That's a good thing.
VICTORIA'S SECRET (Rachel is working in her office. Ross enters with Caitlin)
Rachel: What are you doing here?
Ross: My Mom called me at NYU to tell me that Caitlin has the flu. She didn't want to get Michael and Ben sick so I picked Caitlin up.
Rachel: And you brought her here why?
Ross: I'm going to the Doctor's and I wanted to see if you could go with me. You know, kind of as a safety net just in case I pass out again.
Rachel: I'd love to go honey, but I can't. I've got a staff meeting in a half-hour and I can't get out of it. I've got to fire some people.
Ross: Are you sure?
Rachel: Yes. You'll do fine. Call me later to let me know how she is.
Ross: Ok. Thanks for nothing. (Ross turns to leave)
Rachel: Hey, wait a minute! What did that mean?
Ross: I just can't believe that you'd rather fire people then accompany me with our sick baby daughter to the Doctor's office.
Rachel (shutting her office door): You think I don't care that Caitlin's sick?
Ross: No, I didn't say that.
Rachel (tears filling her eyes): I so want to go with you but I can't. I have to do my job. That's what they pay me for. If I could blow it off, I would, but I can't. So don't you ever get the idea that I don't care about the well being of our child!
Ross: I'm sorry. That was totally unfair. I'll call you later.
Rachel: Thank you. Now get the hell out of my office. I have to fix my makeup.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are present)
Joey: Did you here the good news? Jenna's gonna move in with me!
Chandler: Did she actually say yes?
Joey: No, but I asked her. I mean, who could refuse an invitation to live with Joey? It's a done deal.
Chandler: Joey, I don't think she's gonna be moving in with you anytime soon.
Joey: Oh? And why is that?
Chandler: That's why I'm here.
Joey: You're moving back in?
Chandler: If Monica had her way, yes, I'd be moving back in.
Joey: Then why isn't Jenna moving in? Is she moving in with you and Monica?
Joey: Then she's moving in here with me.
Chandler: You know what, maybe it's best that you talk to Jenna about this. I'm gonna go and hide Monica's underwear. (Chandler turns to leave)
Joey: Hold it right there mister. (Chandler turns around)
Joey: She sent you here to have you tell me that she's not moving in with me didn't she?
Chandler: What makes you think that?
Joey: I'm Joey, I know all.
Chandler: You've been hanging out with Phoebe for too long.
Joey: Is Jenna moving in with me or not?
Joey: Oh. (long pause) Why not?
Chandler: She's not ready.
Joey: What could she possibly not be ready for?
Chandler: I dunno, I didn't ask her.
Joey: Well you just march right on over to her place and find out!
Joey: Go! (Chandler leaves) He is so my bitch.
MICHAEL'S PLACE (Monica and Phoebe are present. They're touring the kitchen)
Phoebe: Man, are these ovens huge or what? You could totally stuff a person in there.
Monica: Yeah, I think the Board of Health would have a problem with that.
Phoebe: Are you sure you're ready to do this?
Monica: Of course. Why wouldn't I be?
Phoebe: It's just that there are so many Italian restaurants here in the Village. What if you don't attract enough customers and you have to close the restaurant?
Monica: That's not gonna happen.
Phoebe: How can you be sure?
Monica: I'm an excellent Chef and I have the will to succeed. This place will be packed, I guarantee it.
Phoebe: Oh, you're gonna be giving away free food?
Monica: No. I've hired the best Chefs in the Village, the best waiters and I've got a leg up on my competition.
Phoebe: So you're gonna have topless waiters?
Monica: No. I've invited all of the food critics from all of the major newspapers in the City to sample my food on opening day. Their rave reviews are gonna be a major boost to my restaurant.
Monica: You know when you wanted to do your Greeting Card business I was supportive of you. Can't you at least be supportive of me?
Phoebe: You're right. I'm sorry. I'm just a pessimist today. Yeah, I didn't have my Total.
DR. KACZMAREK'S OFFICE (Ross, Caitlin and Dr. Kaczmarek are present)
Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok. Caitlin's got a 101-degree temp. Now I've given her a suppository to help bring her fever down but you're gonna have to give her another one in eight hours.
Ross: Ok. (pause) Ah, what's a suppository?
Dr. Kaczmarek: It's like Tylenol.
Ross: Oh, ok. So I just give her a children's Tylenol in eight hours with a glass of water. That's easy enough.
Dr. Kaczmarek: No, no. The suppository is inserted into Caitlin's rectum. The body will take over from there.
Ross: You mean I have to stick this thing up my daughter's butt?
Dr. Kaczmarek: Yes.
Ross: Won't it hurt her?
Dr. Kaczmarek: She'll have some discomfort for sure, but it will pass as soon as the suppository dissolves. She'll probably cry a little, but that's normal. There's nothing to worry about. She'll be fine in 24-48 hours.
Ross: Ok, I'll give her the suppository.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Oh, before you go, one other thing.
Dr. Kaczmarek: You'll need to take her temperature one hour after giving her the suppository.
Ross: And how do I do that?
Dr. Kaczmarek: You take it rectally.
Ross: With my finger?
Dr. Kaczmarek (laughing): No, no, with a thermometer. Do you have one at home?
Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok, see the receptionist before you leave and she'll give you one. Any questions?
Ross: No. Thanks Dr. Kaczmarek.
Dr. Kaczmarek: You're welcome. Tell Rachel I said hello.
Ross: Man, I've gotta say, I'm glad I'm not a baby anymore.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Why's that?
Ross: I don't like things stuck up my butt.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Most men don't.
JENNA'S APARTMENT (Jenna is watching TV on her couch. Chandler knocks on her door)
Jenna: Hey Chandler!
Jenna: So did you talk to Joey?
Chandler: Yes. Yes I did.
Jenna: How'd it go?
Chandler: He wants to know why you don't want to move in with him.
Jenna: I told you, I'm not ready for that.
Chandler: Well apparently that’s not a good enough reason.
Jenna: Oh. (pause) Well tell him that my lease here doesn't expire for another six months and I don't wanna eat the rent.
Chandler: How about this? How about you tell him exactly why you're not ready to live with him.
Jenna: Which is what exactly?
Chandler: That you're afraid of that level of commitment this early in your relationship.
Jenna: I'm not afraid.
Chandler: Then move in with him!
Jenna: I just can't. It's too complicated.
Chandler: How is it complicated?
Jenna: I've never lived with a boy before.
Chandler: For one thing, Joey's a man, not a boy. (Jenna just looks at Chandler) Ok, so he acts like a boy in a man's body. But I've known Joey for a long time and he's not one to just suddenly ask some girl to move in with him. For him to do that….yeah, he's totally in love with you.
Jenna: Maybe I should go see Joey.
Chandler: Please, I'm tired of being the middleman. All these miles are starting to give me leg cramps.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel is making dinner as Ross and Caitlin enter)
Rachel: Hey honey! You didn't call me.
Ross: Yeah, Dr. Kaczmarek's office was a little backed up.
Rachel: So what's the deal with Caitlin?
Ross: She has the flu and a 101-degree temperature. And as an added bonus, she threw up on me in the cab.
Rachel: So what do we have to do?
Ross: We have to give her suppositories every eight hours.
Rachel: Ok. (pause) What's a suppository?
Ross: It's like Tylenol for babies. We take the suppository and put it in her butt. Then an hour later we take her temperature with this rectal thermometer.
Rachel: We stick that up her butt? Won't that hurt her?
Ross: Dr. Kaczmarek said that she'll cry from the discomfort but will feel better when her fever breaks in 24-48 hours.
Rachel: Sounds like you got everything handled. I told you that you didn't need me there.
Ross: Yeah, I'm really sorry that I questioned your commitment to our daughter.
Rachel: I know.
Ross: So did you fire a bunch of people?
Rachel: Just three.
Ross: What'd they do?
Rachel: They were falsifying their expense accounts.
Ross: Don't you do that?
Rachel: Yes, but I'm the Executive Vice President in charge of Purchasing for the United States, I can do what I want.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler is reading on the couch as Phoebe and Monica enter)
Chandler: Hey ugly. What's up Phoebe?
Monica: How are you needle dick? Did my Mom bring Michael back?
Chandler: He's taking a nap in his room. So what have you guys been up to?
Phoebe: We were touring this new restaurant that a friend of mine is opening.
Chandler: Really? Who's opening it?
Monica: Nobody that you would know.
Phoebe: I don't know. He might know her.
Monica: No, no he doesn't.
Chandler: Who is it Phoebe?
Phoebe: Christy Canyon.
Chandler: The porn star? (Monica glares at Chandler) I don't know how I knew that.
Phoebe: Yes, we were close friends when we both lived on the street.
Chandler: Anyway, Joey asked Jenna to move in with him.
Monica: Are you serious? Joey?
Chandler: Dead serious.
Phoebe: What did she say?
Monica: Joey must be crushed.
Phoebe: She said no? How stupid is she? Joey's a blast to live with. I'm gonna go talk to her. (Turns to leave)
Chandler: Phoebe don't! Joey's talking to Jenna right now. You'll just screw it up.
Phoebe: Please, when have I ever screwed any of Joey's relationships up?
Monica: Ah, you slept with Joey when he was still seeing Courteney.
Phoebe: Ok, that's a minor detail I overlooked.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are present)
Joey: Thanks for coming over.
Jenna: Well we did have dinner plans.
Joey: Yeah, I'm not really hungry right now.
Jenna: My God! Are you seriously ill or something? You're always hungry.
Joey: Let's just say that a broken heart will kill a man's hunger.
Jenna: That's totally unfair! You can't pressure me into moving in with you!
Joey: Don't you love me?
Jenna: Yes. I love you very much.
Joey: Then why don't you want to live with me?
Jenna: Because we've only been dating for a couple of months. I'm just not ready to take that step.
Joey: I see. (pause) Ready to go eat?
Jenna: I thought you weren't hungry?
Joey: It passed. Let's go eat.
TWO DAYS LATER
THE STREETS OF GREENWICH VILLAGE (Monica and Chandler are walking)
Chandler: Could you at least tell me where we're going?
Monica: No. It's a surprise. We're almost there.
Chandler: This better involve food 'cause I'm starving.
Monica: Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't.
Chandler: You look beautiful tonight by the way.
Monica: Thanks. You look pretty good too.
Chandler: Just pretty good?
Monica: Yeah, you've been dragging toilet paper on your shoe for the past three blocks, you lose points for that. (They arrive at Monica's new restaurant) We're here!
Chandler: The place is pitch black.
Monica: I know, it hasn't opened for business yet.
Chandler: You mean I walked ten blocks to go to a restaurant that hasn't opened yet? Is this some kind of sick joke? (notices Monica has taken out a set of keys and is opening the door) What are you doing?
Monica: Hush. Give me a second. (Monica turns on the lights) Surprise!
Chandler: Ah honey, there's no one here. Why are you yelling surprise?
Monica: Welcome to Michael's Place!
Chandler: Is Michael some secret boyfriend of yours that I don't know about?
Monica: No, no. I named the place after our son Michael.
Chandler: Oh. (pause) Wait, wait a minute. This is your restaurant?
Chandler: What, when, where, why, how?
Monica: I used some of the money that you won in Atlantic City as seed money. I open for business on Monday!
Chandler: How much, how much, how much….?
Chandler: Ok, ok. I need to sit down. (Chandler sits down on a chair) Ok, I'm still out of breath, I better stand. (Chandler stands up)
Monica: You're not mad at me are you?
Chandler: I don't know what I am. I mean the place is beautiful and all but we just had a kid and I was planning on using that money to buy us a home and send Michael and our future kids to college.
Monica: I understand that Chandler. But when this restaurant's successful, we'll be rolling in the dough.
Chandler: But what if the place fails to catch on?
Monica: Ok, have you been talking to Phoebe?
Monica: I know what I'm doing Chandler. You've got to trust me.
Chandler: I do trust you. At least I did until now.
Chandler: Why did you do all this behind my back? You spent $300,000 that wasn't yours without even talking to me about it.
Monica: I wanted it to be a surprise and I didn't think that you'd mind me spending some of the money on something that will benefit us in the long run.
Chandler: This place better succeed.
Monica: It will. I guarantee it.
Chandler: Oh, you're gonna have topless waiters?
Monica: I need a new set of friends.
Chandler: So do we get to eat?
Monica: Yes. My Assistant Head Chef Gretchen will be here any minute to prepare what ever Italian dish you want.
Chandler: Cool. (pause) Aren't you Jewish?
Monica: Yes, but like I told Phoebe, I don't like kosher food.
Chandler: What's for dessert?
Monica: Something you haven't had for a month.
Chandler: I love cheesecake! (Monica looks at Chandler) Just testing, I knew you meant sex.
THE NEXT MORNING
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are in bed)
Jenna: What time is it?
Joey: Do I look like a clock?
Jenna: No, you look like someone who's been hit hard by the Ebola virus.
Joey: It's 7:30.
Jenna (stretching): Oh! It's time to get up and go to work.
Joey: Do that again.
Joey: I like how your nipples point straight up when you stretch like that.
Jenna: I'm getting up.
Joey: I'm going back to sleep.
Jenna: Don't you return to the set today?
Jenna: But I thought today was the day that your suspension was over.
Joey: Yeah me too.
Jenna: So what happened?
Joey: Apparently the suspension ended yesterday and when I didn't show up for work, they called Estelle and told her that they were extending my suspension for another week.
Jenna: You're lucky you're such a good actor, if you weren't, they'd have fired your ass by now.
Joey: What can I say? I'm the most recognizable soap actor for women who are over 50. My fans just can't resist the Joey Tribbiani charm.
Jenna (putting her clothes on): I should really leave some work clothes over here so I don't have to run home every morning to get changed for work.
Joey: Or even better yet, you should just move all of your clothes over here. It'd save you a lot of trouble.
Jenna: I'm not moving in with you. We've already covered that.
Joey: Who said anything about moving in? All I said was bring your clothes over here. Besides, I don't need any more stereo equipment or a TV. You don't need to bring your bed here either since you sleep with me.
Jenna: So I'd just bring my clothes?
Joey: And your makeup and other bathroom crap.
Jenna: And I wouldn't be moving in with you?
Joey: No. No you wouldn't. Technically speaking, moving all of your clothes and toiletries to here does not constitute you moving in because you didn't bring your furniture, TV and stereo equipment. Oh, and you'd still be paying rent for your place.
Jenna: I like that idea. Wow! This is so exciting! I get to stay with you without actually moving in with you! What a concept!
Joey: And people say Joey Tribbiani isn't a bright man.
Jenna: I've gotta go. I'll call you later. Love you. (Jenna kisses Joey goodbye and leaves)
Joey (to himself): Chandler's a genius. That plan worked perfectly. She's moving her clothes and stuff in, but not her other crap. I got her to move in with me without her even knowing it. (pause) Whoa wait a minute, the earth must have stopped rotating, I called Chandler a genius.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Chandler are present)
Phoebe: Did my plan work?
Chandler: Like a charm.
Phoebe: So she's moving her stuff in?
Phoebe: Here's my bill. It was nice doing business with you.
Chandler: I'll pass this on to Joey. (looks at the bill) Wait a minute! This is a bill for $10,000! We agreed on $100!
Phoebe: Let me see that. (looks at the bill. Picks up a pen and puts a mark on the paper) Sorry about that, I put the decimal point in the wrong spot.