THE ONE WHERE NO ONE IS TALKING
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are present)
Rachel: I can't believe Ross!
Monica: What'd he do now?
Rachel: He got hired at Columbia University!
Phoebe: God forbid! He got a job! The gates of hell must be open and the demons spewing out!
Rachel: No. It's not the job, it's his boss that I'm upset about.
Monica: Who's his boss?
Rachel: Do you remember Cheryl?
Monica: The dirty girl? How could I forget her? She had quite the ass. She had me considering lesbianism for a brief second when I met her.
Rachel: Well Cheryl is Ross' new boss!
Phoebe: And that's bad why?
Rachel: He dated her Phoebe! It's bad enough that Julie works at Columbia.
Monica: So he's working with two ex-girlfriends? How does he do that?
Rachel: That's what I'd like to know! Anyway, we're not speaking to each other.
Phoebe: Good, I'm not alone on that.
Monica: Why aren't you speaking to Ross?
Phoebe: Because he told you that I fell asleep while watching Caitlin yesterday.
Phoebe: Uh oh.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Ross and Joey are present)
Ross: My wife's not speaking to me.
Chandler: Welcome to the club. Membership has its privileges, you don't have to listen to your wife grate on you all day.
Joey: See, this is exactly why I don't want to get married again. They pressure you to marry them, make you have kids and then you do one thing wrong and they don't speak to you for days. Nah, marriage is not for me.
Jenna: Are you ready to go ring shopping?
Joey: Jenna! Not in front of the guys! How many times do I have to tell you that!
(Joey and Jenna leave)
Chandler: Did she just say they were going ring shopping?
Ross: I think so.
Chandler: You don't thinků.
Ross: For her sake I hope not. (pause) What am I gonna do? Rachel's not speaking to me.
Chandler: I say you enjoy the peace and quiet. I know I always do.
Ross: You're not helping.
Chandler: Only doing what I do best. (pause) How do you normally get out of trouble with Rachel?
Ross: I make her dinner, prepare a bubble bath and put on Kenny G.
Chandler: No, not you, her. (Ross looks at Chandler) There you go, a romantic evening for the two of you. That's all you've got to do.
Ross: You're right. A romantic evening together will be all that it takes. (pause) Do you do that for Monica?
Chandler: Nah, I really enjoy the time when she's not speaking to me.
Ross: You have a very weird marriage.
Chandler: Many people have said that, but few truly understand our love for each other.
Ross: Yeah, include me on that list.
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are present)
Rachel: You fell asleep while watching Caitlin?!
Rachel: For how long?
Phoebe: Not real long.
Monica: You fell asleep for two hours!
Phoebe (to Monica): You bitch!
Rachel: For two hours?! You fell asleep for two hours?!
Phoebe: Repeating it over and over again is not gonna make it any shorter.
Rachel: You're never allowed to baby sit Caitlin again.
Phoebe: I know. Ross already told me that.
Rachel: You mean Ross knew about this?!
Phoebe: Yeah, he walked in while I was asleep. Yeah, he already chewed half my ass. You can chew the other half if it'll make you feel better.
Rachel: I can't believe this! Now I'm not talking to you either.
Phoebe: Why not? (Rachel doesn't say anything) Wow, you're really good at this.
Monica: At least I didn't let you watch Michael last night. God knows, you would've fallen asleep again.
Phoebe: I did not fall asleep. I was already well rested, thank you very much.
Monica: You didn't!
Phoebe: Oh, but I did. Chandler went out with Joey and Jenna after you left for work and left me with Michael. We had a great time watching that stupid purple elephant on TV. So what do you make of that? (Monica doesn't say anything) Ok, I get it, now you're not talking to me either. (Monica nods her head yes) Fine, I do you a favor and all I get is the sounds of silence. Fine, I can play this game too. I'll see you both around.
Monica: I can't believe her.
Rachel: She knows nothing about responsibility. I can't believe she fell asleep while watching Caitlin.
Monica: I'm not talking to Chandler now either.
Rachel: Why not?
Monica: Because he was gonna come to the restaurant to help me but then he told me about how Phoebe fell asleep while watching Caitlin so I let him stay home to watch Michael. And then that bastard turns around and lets Phoebe watch Michael while he goes out with Joey and Jenna!
Rachel: You knew about Phoebe falling asleep?
Rachel: Great, now I'm only talking to Joey and Chandler.
Monica: What did I do? (Rachel takes a napkin and a pen and writes something down and hands it to Monica. Monica reads it out loud) You didn't tell me about Phoebe and now I'm not talking to you either. Good day. (Rachel gets up and leaves) Great, now I have no one to talk to but Joey and Ross.
THE SHANE COMPANY (Joey and Jenna are looking at rings)
Jenna: Oh, look at that one, that's so pretty.
Joey (looking through the display case): Yeah, we're not getting that one.
Jenna: Why not? It's absolutely perfect!
Joey: It's also $7,000. I don't have $7,000. I don't even have $700, so unless you can find something for, (looks at his checkbook), for $212, then you're not getting anything and liking it.
Jenna: You only have $212 in your checking account? How can that be? You make $5,000 an episode on General Hospital.
Joey: I'm saving that money for a rainy day.
Jenna: Well then it's raining.
Joey: It is? Man, I knew I should've not worn this leather jacket.
Jenna: Do you love me?
Joey: Right now or in general?
Jenna: Right now.
Joey: Not so much.
Jenna (hitting Joey): You'd better take that back!
Joey: Why are we even here? You haven't even agreed to live with me yet.
Jenna: What would you say if I was ready to make that commitment?
Joey: I'd run right through that door.
Jenna: Come on, be serious. I've been thinking, I have clothes lived with you for a month and I really like it. I think I'm ready to move the rest of my stuff in.
Joey: If you do, can I move my stuff into your old apartment?
Jenna (hits Joey again): Am I gonna have to kick your ass?
Joey: If you keep hitting me I'm gonna bash your head in. (notices a man glaring at him) That was just a figure of speech, I'd never hit my girlfriend. Do I look like OJ Simpson to you? (the man looks away) Are you sure about this?
Jenna: Yeah, I wanna move in with you.
Joey: Ok. It's a done deal. Ready to go?
Jenna: But what about the rings?
Joey: Sorry, you only get one relationship thing a day. We have to come back some other time.
Jenna: Like tomorrow?
Joey: Yeah right, don't push your luck.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Chandler is eating at the table as Monica comes storming in)
Chandler: Man, the hurricane center needs to better forecasting job. Hey Mon, how are you? (Monica grabs a piece of paper and jots something down and hands it to Chandler. Chandler reads it) Oh, you're not talking to me. (Monica nods her head yes) And what did I do exactly? (Monica writes something down again and hands it to Chandler) Ok, don't you think it would be easier if you just talked? (Monica glares at Chandler) Apparently not. (reads the note) So you're not talking to me because I let Phoebe watch Michael last night and went out with Joey and Jenna? (Monica nods her head yes) I can deal with that. I'll write with you later. (Chandler leaves)
Monica: Maybe I should talk to him that obviously annoys him more than when I give him the silent treatment.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Phoebe and Caitlin are present)
Ross: Rachel's not speaking to me Phoebe.
Phoebe: Really? She's not speaking to me either.
Phoebe: Because she found out that I fell asleep while watching Caitlin yesterday.
Ross: How'd she find out?
Phoebe: I accidentally told her.
Phoebe: I'm sorry. I told Rachel that I wasn't speaking to you either.
Ross: Then why are you talking to me now?
Phoebe: Because I just remember that I'm not supposed to be talking to you. Anyway, I said that I wasn't speaking to you because you told Monica that I fell asleep while watching Caitlin. Anyway, it was an accident.
Ross: Great! Now she's not gonna talk to me for a week.
Phoebe: So you really didn't say anything to Rachel?
Ross: No! I made a promise to you that I wouldn't!
Phoebe: Oh. I guess I just figured that you'd sell me out when she found out about work. I guess we're on speaking terms again.
Ross: I don't know about that, I'm still mad about yesterday.
Phoebe: And yet you continue to talk to me anyway. (pause) Is Rachel coming back here?
Phoebe: I'd better go. I don't wanna be here when all hell breaks loose again.
Ross: Well since she's not talking to me, I'm betting that they're will be no screaming.
Phoebe: Yeah, she'll probably just come in and gun you down. See you later.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Jenna and Chandler are present)
Chandler: I'm afraid of the answer, but I'm gonna ask anyway. Did you guys pick out an engagement ring?
Joey: An engagement ring! Are you friggin crazy?! We've only been dating for a couple of months!
Chandler (backing up on the couch): But you said you were guys were going ring shopping!
Jenna: Yeah, for a promise ring! Not an engagement ring!
Chandler: Oh. Did you find a promise ring?
Joey: No. I cut our ring shopping short.
Jenna: Because Joey only had $212 in his checking account.
Chandler: And you believed him? Joey has $20,000 sitting in his savings account as we speak.
Joey: Chandler! That was between you and I! Congratulations, now I'm not speaking to you either!
Jenna: And congratulations to you Joey, I'm not talking to you. See you later. Oh, and you can forget about me moving in the rest of my stuff!
Joey: See what you did! Now she's not moving her stuff in! Thanks a lot!
Chandler: I thought you weren't talking to me?
Joey: Starting now.
Chandler: Wanna go see a movie?
Chandler: I thought you weren't talking to me.
Joey: Damn it! Ok, from now on I'm not talking to you!
Chandler: Do you wanna go see a movie or not?
Joey: I said no!
Chandler: Ha, you talked to me again. You really suck at this.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross has put Caitlin down for her nap, Rachel enters)
Ross: Hey Rach. (no response from Rachel) So you're still not talking to me? (Rachel nods her head yes) So Phoebe told you about yesterday? (Rachel nods her head yes again) And you're even more upset at me now? (Rachel grabs a piece of people and writes something down and hands it to Ross) Ah, I don't think my head will fit up there. (Rachel flips Ross off) Come on Rachel, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about Phoebe and Caitlin, but I didn't want you to worry. I talked to Phoebe already and she's agreed that she'll never watch Caitlin again. (Rachel writes something else down and hands it to Ross) Nice language Rachel. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are present)
Joey: I can't believe Chandler told Jenna that.
Phoebe: Well why are you being such a cheap bastard?
Joey: Do you want me not to speak to you either?
Phoebe: Like you could do that. You love me!
Joey: Try me.
Phoebe: I did, you weren't that great.
Joey: For your information, I've been saving up that money to buy the best engagement ring ever. My next marriage will be my last and I want the person who gets the ring to feel really special.
Phoebe: Joey, a $20,000 engagement ring isn't gonna make a girl feel anymore special then a $10,000 or $5,000 ring would. All that matters is the thought.
Phoebe: Yeah, any woman would be happy to have you as her fiancé. And if she wouldn't be happy with a cheaper ring, then you should marry her in the first place.
Joey: You're right. Wanna go shopping?
Phoebe: For what?
Joey: I just have to get Jenna something.
Phoebe: Oh my God! You're not gonna buy her an engagement ring are you?
Joey: No! I may be stupid but I'm not an invalid. I'm gonna buy her a promise ring. Will you come with me to pick it out?
Phoebe: Yeah. (pause) Just out of curiosity, why didn't you get me a promise ring when we were together?
Joey: I dunno. I guess I just wasn't in that place with you.
Joey: Ah Pheebs, you know I'll always have a special place in my heart for you.
Phoebe: Me too Joe. Me too.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Chandler is giving Michael his bottle. Monica's on the couch watching TV)
Chandler: What's that Michael? Yes, Mommy isn't talking to Daddy because Daddy was a bad boy again. (pause) I know Michael, Daddy doesn't like it when Mommy doesn't speak to Daddy either. (pause) No, Daddy didn't do-do in his pants. He went out with Uncle Joey and his girlfriend instead of watching you. (pause) I know Michael. Daddy should've stayed home to watch his son, but Daddy thought it would be fun to go to the movies too. Daddy made a bad choice and now you'll never get the baby brother or sister that you want so badly because Mommy won't put out for Daddy anymore. (cut to Monica who is now busting up on the couch) I know Michael, but Mommy's not as frigid as people think. Deep down inside, she loves Daddy and knows that he screws up just so their relationship can grow stronger. (pause) What's that Michael? No, I don't think dancing naked in front of Mommy is going to make her talk to Daddy again. It'd probably do the opposite.
Monica: Cut it out! I'm trying to be mad at you!
Chandler: I won! I won!
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: The silence game. You spoke to me first!
Monica: You were speaking the whole time!
Chandler: I was speaking to our son, not to you, so technically I won.
Monica: I guess I should no better than to play that game with you. You always know the right things to say.
Chandler: Let me guess, it was the part about dancing naked in front of you that did it.
Monica: Yeah, that's one sight I don't want to see.
Chandler: I'm sorry. It'll never happen again.
Monica: Yes it will.
Chandler: I know, I was just apologizing for all the future times that I screw as well.
Monica: Are you hungry?
Chandler: Yeah. Wanna go out?
Monica: Sure. Wanna have dessert first?
Chandler: There's ice cream?
Monica: Let me put it in a way that you can understand. Do you want to make love now or after dinner?
Chandler: We get to have sex? Did I do something right for a change?
Monica: You married me, so I guess you're ahead of the game.
THE SHANE COMPANY (Joey and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: This one's pretty.
Joey: Wow, that's the same ring that Jenna was ogling. Is that like women's intuition or something?
Phoebe: No. I was just saying that the ring was pretty. If she really like it then you should get it for her.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Sure. She'll love it.
Joey (to saleswoman): Excuse me Miss, but I could I see this ring please.
Saleswoman: Certainly. (gets the ring) Would your girlfriend like to try it on?
Phoebe: Oh, I'm not his girlfriend. I'm his hired escort for the evening.
Phoebe: Yes, he picked me up in front of the Hilton Hotel. I get paid $500 an hour to go out on the town with him.
Saleswoman: I see. (to Joey) This is a very beautiful ring. It's one of the best rings we have here in the store. What's your girlfriend's ring size?
Joey: I dunno. Let me see your hand Phoebe. (Phoebe shows Joey her hand) Yeah, her ring finger's about the same size as my friend's.
Phoebe (to Joey): Good cover. We wouldn't want Jenna to find out that you were out with a lady of the evening.
Joey: Please excuse my friend Phoebe, she suffers from a multiple personality disorder. Tonight she thinks she's a high priced call girl. You should've seen her last night, she was going around telling everyone that she was Princess Diana.
Saleswoman: So do you like the ring?
Joey: It's perfect. I'll take it.
Saleswoman: Will that be cash, check or charge?
Joey: Check. How much is it?
Joey: Really? I thought it was $7,000.
Saleswoman: That was this morning's price. We discount all of our jewelry in the evening.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is preparing dinner. Rachel enters with Caitlin)
Ross: Hey Rach. Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes. I made your favorite, chicken kiev. (Rachel enters the kitchen and grabs Caitiln's baby food and sits her down in her highchair. She doesn't say a word to Ross the whole time) Apparently you're not hungry and still not talking to me.
Rachel (to Caitlin): Here you go sweetie. Open wide. Here comes the mashed carrots. (Caitlin takes a spoonful) That's a good girl.
Ross (to Rachel): Do you want me to do that? (Rachel doesn't answer him) Would you like me to jump off the fire escape? (Rachel nods her head yes) I'll be in our room if you need me.
Rachel (to Caitlin): That's right, we're not speaking to Daddy today. He's a bad man. He's working with two ex-girlfriends and also thinks withholding information from Mommy is funny.
(The phone rings. Rachel continues to feed Caitlin thinking Ross will answer it. The answering machine clicks on)
Answering Machine: Yes, I'm calling for Mrs. Rachel Geller. This is Nurse Peters at County Hospital.
(Rachel rushes over and answers the phone)
Rachel: Hello? (pause) Yes, this is she. (pause) What? (pause) But that can't be, I just saw him last week and he was perfectly fine. (pause) How serious is it? (pause) He's what? (pause) Oh my God! (drops the phone)
(Ross enters from the bedroom)
Ross: Rachel? Who was on the phone? (Rachel turns around, she's crying and is white as a ghost) My God, did your dog die again?
Rachel: It's my Dad. My Dad's dead. He died of a heart attack while operating this afternoon. They tried to revive him for 45 minutes but he didn't respond. My God, my Dad was only 59 and he's gone.
(Ross goes over and hugs a crying Rachel)
Ross: It's gonna be ok, you'll get through this, I promise.
JENNA'S APARTMENT (Jenna is in bed reading, Joey enters the apartment)
Jenna (to herself): Someone's in the apartment. (she lies there for a second) Ok, I'm not moving. Do something! (she grabs her lamp and turns off the light)
Joey (entering her bedroom): Man it's dark in here. Where's the light switch? (he gets hit over the head and crashes to the floor)
(Cut to ten minutes later. Joey is lying on the bed and Jenna is hovering over him)
Jenna: Are you ok sweetie?
Joey: I've gotta mean headache. Who hit me?
Jenna: I did.
Joey: What you do that for?!
Jenna: I thought you were an intruder.
Joey: Does an intruder have a key to your apartment?
Jenna: Oh, I didn't think of that. (pause) What are you doing here anyway? I'm not speaking to you, remember?
Joey: I know. Though you're doing a sh^tty job of it at this moment.
Jenna: Am I gonna have to hit you over the head again? Seriously, why are you here?
Joey: I wanted to give you something.
Jenna: I'm sorry, but my body's not accepting sexually transmitted diseases this week.
Joey: Fine, I'll leave. (Joey goes to leave)
Jenna: Would you stop being a baby and give whatever it is that you want to give to me to me!
Joey: I don't wanna. You're being mean to me. First you hit me over the head with your lamp and then you said that I have a sexually transmitted disease. You don't deserve what it is that I have for you.
Jenna: I'll sleep with you if you give it to me.
Joey (thinking for a second): That'll work. Here, I want you to have this. (gives her the ring box)
Jenna: Oh my God! You went and got me a promise ring!
Joey: Actually it's an engagement ring.
Jenna (going white): What? But I thought we agreed thatů.
Joey: Just kidding. Open it up! Open it up!
Jenna (opening the ring box): Oh, it's the one that I liked in the store! But this ring was $7,000. I thought you couldn't afford it?
Joey: Let's just say I got a good deal.
Jenna: Did you steal it?
Joey: No. But if and when I go shopping for engagement rings for you, I'm shopping in the evening.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica and Michael are present. Michael's down for the night. Chandler and Monica are in their bathrobes and sitting on the couch)
Chandler: We forgot to have dinner.
Monica: Yes, but you definitely filled up on dessert.
Chandler: You definitely taste sweet.
Phoebe: Good, you're both up.
Monica: And still not speaking to you.
Phoebe: Look, I just came over to apologize. Chandler and I shouldn't have tricked you. I know I'm very sorry and from the look of things, it looks like Chandler apologized as well.
Chandler: Five times.
Chandler: And back to the doghouse we go.
Monica: I'm sorry that I haven't spoken to you all day. It was a childish thing to do. Still friends?
Phoebe: At least until some better group of friends comes along.
(Joey and Jenna enter)
Jenna: Hi guys.
Chandler: Wow, look at that ring!
Monica: Oh my God! You guys are engaged!
Joey: No! We're not engaged! Christ, we've only been dating for a couple of months! It's a promise ring. A promise ring. I'm only promising Jenna that someday, if she's good, that I'll ask her to marry me.
Monica: Oh. Then what the hell am I getting all excited for?
Jenna: And there's even better news. Chandler and I will be sharing cabs to work!
Chandler: Monica made arrangements for me to move with you?
Jenna: No. I'm moving in with Joey!
Monica: But I thought you were already living with Joey.
Jenna: No, only my clothes and toiletries were living with Joey. Now I'm moving the rest of my stuff in.
Phoebe (to Monica): Don't feel bad, that arrangement made no sense to me either.
(Ross enters. He's visibly upset)
Chandler: My God, who died?
Ross: For once, that joke's not gonna be funny.
Monica: Someone died for real?
Ross: Yeah. Rachel's father passed away this afternoon.
Phoebe: What happened?
Ross: He had a massive heart attack while performing an operation.
Phoebe: Did the patient die too? (Everyone looks at Phoebe) Ok, not an appropriate question.
Joey: How's Rachel?
Ross: She's absolutely devastated. She was on the phone to her Mom when I left to tell you guys. The funeral will be in two days and Rachel would really like it if you guys could come.
All: We'll be there.
Ross: I've gotta go. I'll talk to you guys later. (Ross leaves)
Joey: Huh, that kinda puts a damper on things.
Chandler: Yeah, it makes you really think about what's important in life and what's not.
(Monica notices Phoebe is crying)
Monica: Are you ok Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah. I just wish I had all you guys when my Mom died. It would've made things so much easier.
(The group gathers around Phoebe and gives her a hug)
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is talking with Rachel. Caitlin's in her crib)
Ross: How's your Mom?
Rachel: She's ok. She actually had a civil conversation with my father just last night. Apparently Jill's getting married and they were talking about how to pay for it.
Ross: I guess this just makes us realize how stupid it is to not talk to one another when we fight.
Rachel (laughing): Don't think you're getting out of this fight that easy mister, once this is all over, I'm going back to not talking to you.
Ross: I love you too Rachel.