Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Joey are present)

Ross: I just can't believe you're getting married. Hell must've frozen over or the sun has stopped shining. Joey Tribbiani is getting married.

Joey: Hey, this will be my third marriage.

Ross: No it won't!

Joey: Phoebe, Ashley and now Jenna, that's three marriages. You're not the only marrying man around here.

Ross: But your marriages to Phoebe and Ashley don't count.

Joey: They totally count.

Ross: Please, you married Phoebe to punish her for stealing, stealing, stealing….whatever it is that she stole and you married Ashley so you could have sex with her on the first date.

Joey: So?

Ross: Those aren't legitimate marriages.

Joey: Well let's review your marriage history Ross. You were married to Carol only to find out that she was a lesbian, you said Rachel's name at the altar when you married Emily thereby ending any chance for a meaningful marriage with her, and you married Rachel the first time in a drunken haze. You've been divorced three times and the only legitimate marriage I see is your current one.

Ross: So I have only been legitimately married once. (Joey nods his head) Wait a minute, you're really saying that I've really been only married one time. Therefore, you are the true marrying man, this will be your third marriage.

Joey: Right. I'm glad we got this mattered settled. You've only been married once and for me, this will be number 3. So if you ever need any marriage advice or help with math, you know where to turn.


ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel, Caitlin and Ben are present)

Rachel: Hurry up Ben, you're gonna be late for school!

Ben (emerging from the bedroom): Mom, I don't feel so good.

Rachel: Really?

Ben: No, I have a stomach ache.

Rachel: Do you need to stay home from school?

Ben: I think so.

Rachel: Ok…..wait a minute, the last time you told me you had a stomach ache you lied to me. I'm not falling for the same prank twice, you're going to school.

Ben: But Mom, I really feel sick! My stomach hurts and I have a headache.

Rachel: Well I have a headache too. Your father banged me pretty hard into the headboard last night. Do you see me complaining? Now go get your backpack and I'll walk you to school.

Ben: But Mom, I really am sick!

Rachel: Well now you're making me sick! Go get your backpack right now!

Ben: Mom!

Rachel: Ben, go get your backpack before I permanently sew it to your back.

Ben: Fine! Don't believe me! I hope you die today!

Rachel: Well I hope your stomach ache is from an alien gestating in your stomach.

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Monica and Phoebe are present)

Monica: Are you working tonight?

Phoebe: Are you?

Monica: Yes I'm working, I'm the head chef.

Phoebe: Then no, I'm not working tonight.

Monica: You haven't worked at the restaurant for a whole week! What is so important that you can't come help me run our restaurant tonight?

Phoebe: I have plans.

Monica: To do what?

Phoebe: Well that hasn't been fully decided yet.

Monica: By who? Mitch?

Phoebe: No, by me.

Monica: You better show up tonight.

Phoebe: And if I don't?

Monica: I'm buying you out.

Phoebe: With what money? You don't have any money. I'm the rich one, I have money. You need me.

Monica: For your information, I don't need you or your stupid money.

Phoebe: What'd you do, whore yourself out in your down time?

Monica (furious): Consider yourself bought out!

(Monica leaves)

Phoebe: Geez, what's her problem?

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Joey, Chandler and Michael are present)

Joey (to Chandler): Are you an idiot?

Chandler: That's big talk coming from the biggest idiot of them all.

Joey: Hey, I'm comfortable with who I am. (Chandler and Ross look at Joey bewildered) We're supposed to go play basketball and you bring your son with you. He can't play basketball. He can't even walk.

Chandler: Well neither can Ross and we're letting him play.

Ross: Hey!

Joey: You know it's true Ross. You absolutely suck.

Chandler: Look Joe, I've got the stroller right here, we can still play basketball. I'll put Michael in the stroller on the sidelines and we can take turns humiliating Ross.

Joey: Oh.

Ross: Hey! I know how to play basketball.

Joey: No you don't Ross.

Ross: Yes I do! I have been practicing with Rachel.

Chandler: That's who we should've asked to play, Rachel totally rocks.

GREENWICH ELEMENTARY SCHOOL (Rachel, Ben and Caitlin are present)

Rachel: Have a good day at school Ben. Daddy will pick you up at 3:30.

Ben: Mommy, I really feel sick. Please don't make me go to school.

(The bell rings)

Rachel: Hey, there's the bell. You better get in there or the teacher will make you get a tardy slip.

Ben: What's a tardy slip?

Rachel: Never mind. Have a good day.

(Rachel and Caitlin begin to walk away)

Ben: Mom?

Rachel: Yeah Ben?

Ben: I really am sick.

Rachel: That's nice sweetie, but I'm not falling for the same prank twice. Now go to school.

Ben: I really hope you get hit by a bus!

Rachel: You too sweetie.

BANK OF AMERICA (Monica is meeting with a lending officer)

Bank Officer: Good Morning Mrs. Bing, I'm Terry Flynn, I manage the small business banking center for this branch. How can I help you today?

Monica: Good Morning. Thanks for meeting with me.

Terry: My pleasure.

Monica: Ah, here's the thing, I need money.

Terry: Well that's certainly to the point. What do you need it for?

Monica: I need $150,000 to buy out my partner's interest in my restaurant.

Terry: I see. How long have you been in business?

Monica: Four months.

Terry: Oh.

Monica: Is that bad?

Terry: No, no it's not necessarily bad, it's just that in order to get a loan on your restaurant, you need to be in business for at least a year.

Monica: Well thanks for your time. (Monica gets up to leave)

Terry: That's it? You're gonna give up just like that?

Monica: But you told me that I couldn't get a loan on my restaurant.

Terry: So?

Monica: So, I don't have any other collateral for a loan. Unless you're gonna give me a loan without me putting up collateral.

Terry: That's definitely not gonna happen.

Monica: So, thanks for your time. (Monica goes to leave)

Terry: You're giving up again.

Monica: Ok, am I missing something here?

Terry: Do you own a home?

Monica: A flat, my husband and I own a flat.

Terry: How much do you owe on it?

Monica: I dunno, around $300,000.

Terry: How much is it worth?

Monica: We bought it for $700,000 five months ago.

Terry: There's your $150,000.

Monica: Huh?

Terry: I'll lend you $150,000 against your flat.

Monica: You will?

Terry: Sure, as long as you and your husband have good credit and good income, I can get you the loan.

Monica: Can you do it by the end of the day?

Terry: No.

Monica: Oh.

Terry: It'll take about a week. Interested?

Monica: Yeah, yeah I'm interested. Where do we start?

CENTRAL PARK (Ross, Joey, Chandler and Michael are present. Ross is standing on the sidelines watching Michael as Chandler and Joey play one on one)

Joey (shooting the ball): And this one's for the win…...(the ball goes in) and now Chandler owes me $50.

Chandler: That's not game.

Joey: Yes, yes it is. That's 11-7. I win, you lose, you owe me $50.

Chandler: Ross? (Ross doesn't answer him) Ross?!

(Michael, who's in his stroller, starts crying)

Ross: So much for Michael's nap.

Chandler: What's the score?

Ross: How the hell should I know?

Chandler: You haven't been paying attention?

Ross: No, I've been watching that group of women over there stretching before their run.

Joey: Face it Chandler, you lose.

Chandler: Fine, double or nothing I beat you this time.

Joey: You just bet me double or nothing and you lost.

Ross: Chandler lost?

Chandler: No, we stopped playing for the fun of it.

Ross: Then it's my turn to play Joey.

Chandler: Yeah right.

Ross: Come on, I came here to play ball with you guys, not to baby-sit Michael.

Joey: Which you're doing an excellent job of by the way.

Ross (whining): It's my turn! It's my turn!

Chandler (throwing the ball at Ross): Here, get your ass kicked by Joey.

Ross: Thank you.

Joey: Prepare for a butt whipping Ross.

Ross: I don't think that's gonna happen.

Chandler: Have you been sniffing glue again?

Ross: No, just your mother's panties.

Joey: You do that too?

Ross: I'll make you a bet Chandler. I bet you that I beat Joey. If I do, you and Joey each owe me $50. If I lose, I'll pay Joey the $100 to cover your bet and mine.

Chandler: So you're basically paying Joey and me to let you play one game. I'll go along with that.

Joey: No way.

Chandler: What's your problem?

Joey: If Ross loses, I only get $100. I should get $50 from each of you.

Ross: You moron with the New York City education, 50 plus 50 is 100.

Joey: It is? Well prepared to get your ass kicked.

VICTORIA'S SECRET (Rachel is meeting with Kendall, a staff member. Caitlin is in daycare)

Rachel: Man, I've still got a splitting headache.

Kendall: Party too much last night?

Rachel: No. My husband banged my head into the headboard pretty hard. (Sees Kendall staring at her) I probably should've kept that to myself.

Kendall: No, no, not at all. I was just thinking that me and my husband should really get a headboard. It would definitely make things more interesting in the bedroom.

Rachel: Well if you do, make sure you get one that you can attach handcuffs to.

Kendall: Really?

Rachel: You have no idea. (Rachel's phone rings)

Kendall: Aren't you going to get that?

Rachel: And disrupt our employee evaluation session? (thinks about what she's saying) I'm gonna answer the phone. (picks up the phone) Hello, Rachel Geller. (pause) He's where? (pause) My God! Is it serious? (pause) Ok, thanks for letting me know. (to Kendall) I have to go.

Kendall: Is everything all right?

Rachel: No. My stepson was taken to the hospital and I have to get there immediately. Can we finish this later?

Kendall: The sex talk or the evaluation?

Rachel: What?

Kendall: Go, go see your son.

MICHAEL'S PLACE (Monica is working the kitchen. A waiter enters)

Waiter: Do we make sushi?

Monica: Does this look like a Japanese restaurant?

Waiter: So you're saying no?

Monica: I'm not even going to answer that.

Waiter: Sorry. It won't happen again.

Monica: If it does, you'll be finding a new place to work.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey partner!

Monica: What are you doing here?

Phoebe: Well I do own 50% of this restaurant, so I figured I come down and help out.

Monica: Well isn't that special?

Phoebe: I thought so.

Monica: For your information, you're only going to be my partner for the next week, and secondly, we don't need your help.

Phoebe: What? What are you talking about?

Monica: I'm buying your interest out. You'll have your money in a week.

Phoebe: Really? Where'd you get the money?

Monica: According to you, I have been whoring myself out.

Phoebe: Like I was being serious. (Monica just looks at Phoebe) Ok, so maybe deep down I thought that's what you've been doing. But come on, we're partners in one of the most popular restaurants in the Village. I'm not about to let you buy me out of my interest in such a successful restaurant.

Monica: Well that's where you're wrong. You'll have your money in a week. Now why don't you just leave and let me run the restaurant.

Phoebe: Fine, be that way. I come down here as a friend and your partner to help run this great establishment and all I get is hostility. I know when I'm not wanted.

Monica: Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Phoebe: You really are a bitch when you're mad.

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Ok, ok, I'm leaving. But seriously, where'd you get the money?

Monica: If you must know, I'm getting the money from a bank.

Phoebe: Banks lend money? I thought they just took it from you.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Joey, Chandler and Michael are present. Ross and Joey are playing one on one)

Chandler: Man, I saw the miracle on ice in 1980, but this is going to be an even bigger upset.

Joey (guarding Ross): This game isn't over yet.

Ross: You're going down Mr. Tribbiani. (Ross shoots and scores) That's 10 to 5. One more and I win.

Joey: For your information, I'm gonna score the next 4 points to win this game. Check. (bounces the ball to Ross)

Ross (throwing the ball back at Joey): Check. And for your information, 5 plus 4 is 9, not 12.

Joey: What? The game's only to 11.

Ross: Yes, but I already have 10, so you need to score 7 straight to win by 2.

Joey: Then prepare to blow the biggest lead since, since….a very long time ago. (Joey shoots and scores) There, it's now 10 to 7.

Chandler: I don't think so Joe, it's 10 to 6.

Joey: No, it's 10 to 7.

Ross: So you're gonna resort to cheating?

Joey: I'm not cheating. 5 plus 1 is 7! Now let's finish the game!

Ross: How did you manage to pass the GED?

Joey: I dunno. Maybe I cheated.

Ross: 5 plus 1 is 6! Not 7!

Chandler: Do you need a calculator Joey?

Joey: Shut up Chandler before I kick your ass! So I'm not good at math Ross, sue me. But I'm good at basketball and I'm going to finish kicking your ass!

Ross: Well I think it's time for you to re-look at what your good at. (Ross shoots the ball and it goes in) That my friend, is game.

Chandler: Do you believe in miracles?!

Joey: Damn it! (Joey jumps and punches the backboard) Ow!

Ross: Are you alright?

Joey: I think will be going to the hospital now.

Chandler: Ah Joe, the hospital can't get you your pride back.

Joey: Yeah, but they can cast my broken hand.

MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Rachel comes rushing into the Admissions area with Caitlin in her arms)

Rachel (to the receptionist): Hi. My name is Rachel Geller and my son was brought here from school.

Receptionist: What's your son's name?

Rachel: Ben Willick-Geller.

Receptionist: So you must be the mother who dropped her very ill son off at school this morning.

Rachel: I didn't know he was really sick! I thought he was faking it!

Receptionist: Yeah, most kids like to fake it when they have appendicitis. The pain is normally really easy to conceal.

Rachel: Where is my son?

Receptionist: He's in surgery at the moment.

Rachel: Surgery? Why's he in surgery?

Receptionist: To have his appendix taken out.

Rachel: Is that really necessary?

Receptionist: No, the hospital likes to perform unnecessary surgeries as a means of punishing inattentive parents.

Rachel: What?

Receptionist: Your son is having his appendix removed because the Doctor thought that was the best course of action. Your pediatrician, Dr. Kaczmarek, has been called and she'll explain to you what has happened. Dr. Kaczmarek is waiting for you on the 4th floor in the Pediatric wing.

Rachel: Thanks.

Receptionist: The police will be up later to arrest you for child endangerment.

Rachel: What?!

Receptionist: I'm just kidding. It gets really boring down here sometimes and I like to mess with people when I'm bored.

MICHAEL'S PLACE (Monica is working in the kitchen. The hostess, Maria, enters)

Maria: I'll see you tomorrow Monica.

Monica: Where are you going? We don't close for another three hours.

Maria: Ms. Buffay relieved me.

Monica: Phoebe, I mean Ms. Buffay left over two hours ago.

Maria: Well maybe you should talk to her. She said that she's gonna act as the hostess tonight. She said I could go home. Can I not go home?

Monica: No. Go back to your post and send Ms. Buffay in here!

Maria: Don't get mad at me. I'm just doing what I'm told.

Monica: Well I'm telling you to go back to your post and tell Phoebe to get in here!

Maria: Who's Phoebe?

Monica: Ms. Buffay! (Maria hurries out of the kitchen) I'm going to kill you Phoebe!

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey partner!

Monica: What are you doing here? I thought I told you to go home?!

Phoebe: Yes, yes you did. But as usual, I didn't listen to you.

Monica: Our partnership is over Phoebe! I want you out of my restaurant this instant!

Phoebe: Funny, I don't recall getting my $150,000 from you yet. Until that happens, I'm still your partner and I still have the right to be here. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a line outside the door to attend to.

Monica: Please Phoebe, just go home.

Phoebe: Sorry, I can't do that. I have to protect my investment. I'll be out front if you need me.

(Phoebe leaves)

Monica (to her assistant chef): Could you hand me the butcher knife please?

Assistant Chef: I'd use a machete, it kills the person faster.

Monica: What? You don't cut meat with a machete.

Assistant Chef: Oh, you need the butcher knife to cut meat, I thought you were going to murder your partner.

Monica: No, I'm gonna wait until we're closed to do that.

MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Joey, Ross, Chandler and Michael enter)

Ross (to the receptionist): Hi. My friend Joey here busted his hand playing basketball.

Receptionist: What do you want me to do about it?

Ross: Well we were hoping that you could help him.

Receptionist: Do I look like a Doctor to you?

Chandler: No, no you don't. You look like a receptionist with a gigantic piece of plywood stuck up her ass.

Receptionist: I like you. Are you married?

Chandler: Yes.

Receptionist: Happily married?

Chandler: For the most part. (Ross shoot Chandler a look) What? You'd say for the most part too if you'd spent the past three nights on the couch.

Receptionist: Here, fill out these forms and I'll get your friend in to see a Doctor.

Ross: Thank you.

(Ross, Joey, and Chandler sit down. Chandler rolls Michael's stroller over to them)

Ross: You have to fill these out Joey.

Joey: I can't.

Ross: Why not?

Joey: I busted up my right hand. It's completely useless.

Ross: Oh right, sorry, I'll fill 'em out for you.

Chandler: Should we call Jenna?

Joey: You can't. She's in New Jersey seeing her parents.

Chandler: Looks like your going without sex then my friend.

Joey: No, I can still do that. I use my left hand for that task.

(A message is delivered over the hospital intercom)

Intercom: Mrs. Rachel Geller to the Pediatric ward please.

Chandler (to Ross): When did Rachel become a candy striper?

Ross: You're hearing things man. They said Mrs. Rachel Gaulor to the Pediatric ward.

Intercom: Mrs. Rachel Geller, please report to room 412 please.

Ross: Oh my God! I'll be back.

Joey: What about my forms?!

Ross: Do them yourself!

(Ross leaves)

Joey (to Chandler): Some friend he is. He knows I can't write.

Chandler: Joey, even when you're completely healthy you can't write.

Joey: Hey, I don't know how to read. I know how to write.

MICHAEL'S PLACE (The restaurant has closed. Monica is finishing cleaning the kitchen as Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Some night huh? We really cleaned up tonight.

Monica: Whatever.

Phoebe: Why are you so angry with me?

Monica: I'm not angry with you.

Phoebe: You're not that good of a liar.

Monica: Does "what'd you do, whore yourself out in your down time?" sound familiar to you?

Phoebe: Duh, it should, I only asked you that earlier today.

Monica: And you still don't understand why I'm angry with you?

Phoebe: Not really.

Monica: You called me a whore!

Phoebe: No I didn't!

Monica: Yes you did!

Phoebe: No, I merely asked if you whore yourself out in your down time.

Monica: That’s the equivalent of calling me a whore!

Phoebe: If you want to look at it that way.

Monica: What other way is there to look at?

Phoebe: Well for one, I was merely asking you where you were going to get the money to buy my interest out.

Monica: By implying that I was whoring myself out!

Phoebe: Ok, what's this really about?

Monica: I don't have time for this. I'm tired, hungry and really don't feel like arguing with you right now. I'm going home.

Phoebe: Why are you hungry? You work in a restaurant. (Monica just looks at Phoebe and leaves) I guess she doesn't like her own cooking.

MT. SINAI HOSPITAL - ROOM 412 (Rachel is talking with Dr. Kaczmarek. Ben is asleep)

Dr. Kaczmarek: So because he was in danger of having his appendix burst, Dr. Duran thought it best to remove his appendix immediately. That's why the surgery was done without your or Ross' consent. It was a life or death matter.

Rachel: God, this is all my fault. If I had only listened to him this morning when he told that he didn't feel well, I would've been there. I just thought he was faking his stomach ache.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Let me guess, he had pulled the fake stomach ache bit before to stay home from school.

Rachel: Yeah. He totally fooled me.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Don't feel bad, you're not the first parent who's sent a sick kid to school.

Rachel: But Ben isn't just sick, he had his appendix taken out!

Dr. Kaczmarek: True. But look, when my son was 7 he told me he had a sharp pain in his groin area. I figured he just pulled a muscle while playing. For two weeks he told me that the pain wasn't going away. I finally got tired of listening to him complain so I took him to see another Doctor. Imagined how embarrassed I was when I found out that my 7-year-old son had a hernia. Apparently he had tried to lift my husband's weights and hurt himself. My point is, don't feel too bad, we all make mistakes as parents.

Rachel: Thanks for sharing that Dr. Kaczmarek, but it really doesn't make me feel better about myself right now.

(Ross enters)

Ross: What in God's name is going on here Rachel?

Rachel: What are you doing here?

Ross: I asked you first!

Rachel: Ben had has appendix taken out. He had appendicitis. Your turn, what are you doing here?

Ross: Joey broke his hand on the basketball hoop after I beat him one on one.

Rachel (laughing): Really, what are you doing here?

Ross: I'm serious! I beat Joey and he got mad and broke his hand on the basketball hoop. Why is my son in the hospital?

Dr. Kaczmarek: Ben has appendicitis and he had to have emergency surgery. He's fine now, and can go home in a couple of days. I'll check on him a little later.

Rachel: Thanks Dr. Kaczmarek.

(Dr. Kaczmarek leaves)

Ross: Thank God you were there for Ben. He must've been really scared.

Rachel: Oh, it was nothing. He was a brave little boy.

Ross: Why didn't you call me?

Rachel: Because you left your cell phone at home.

Ross: Oh. Well at least his Mom was there for him. He'll definitely feel closer to you now.

Rachel: Yeah. I'm sure he will.

MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica is watching TV. Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey Mon!

Monica: What part of "I'm tired, hungry and really don't feel like arguing with you right now" did you fail to understand?

Phoebe: I thought that was just business. I'm here as a friend. What ya doing?

Monica: I'm plotting ways to murder you. All I have to figure out is how to get away with it.

Phoebe: Do you need help?

Monica: Just leave Phoebe, I really don't want to spend any more time with you today.

Phoebe: Is that any way to treat a friend?

Monica: Friends don't call someone a whore.

Phoebe: Who called you a whore? I'll hunt them down and kill 'em myself.

Monica: Fine, hunt yourself down and kill yourself. It'll do us all a big favor. (Phoebe bursts into tears and starts to cry uncontrollably) Phoebe, I was only kidding. I was just frustrated with you. Come here, what's wrong?

Phoebe (in between sobs): It's, it's, it's Mitch!

Monica: Did something happen to him?

Phoebe (in between sobs): I stopped by, by, by, his apartment, he wasn't, wasn't alone.

Monica: Ok. What happened next?

Phoebe: Some, some, some woman was riding him like he was carousel horse! She kept going up and down, up and down! She was giving me motion sickness!

Monica: The bastard cheated on you!

Phoebe (crying harder): Yes! And now you don't even want me as your partner anymore!

Monica: Yes I do honey. I just had a bad day. I'm so sorry for hurting you.

Phoebe: You've had a bad day?! My boyfriend was some bitch's carousel horse! He told me has going to Connecticut for the week!

MT. SINAI HOSPITAL - THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE BEN'S ROOM (Joey, Chandler and Michael come from end of the hallway, as Ross, who's holding balloon, comes from the other)

Joey: Thanks for getting me a balloon man. It means a lot to me.

Ross: The balloon is for Ben you moron.

Joey: So you break my wrist and you don't get me anything?

Ross: Joey, you broke your wrist all by yourself. All I did was humiliate you on the basketball court. Oh, you both owe me $50.

Joey: But I just had to pay $400 for x-rays and a cast!

Ross: Then learn how to lose gracefully.

Chandler: Can we see Ben?

Ross: Yeah I guess. He was still sleeping when I was in there with Rachel before.

Joey: Now he's really like his godfather, he has an appendectomy scar too.

Chandler: For one, I'm the kid's godfather, and two, it's a good thing your hair hides your lobotomy scar.

Joey: What's a lobotomy scar?

Ross: It's what Doctors give to patients to make them smarter.

Joey: Then I guess it's a good thing that I got that scar.

(Ross, Joey, Chandler and Michael enter Ben's room. Rachel is sitting by the bed brushing her hand through Ben's hair)

Ross (to Rachel): He still asleep?

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: Did the Doctor give him a lobotomy too?

Rachel: What is the matter with you?!

Joey: Right, he's already a bright kid.

Chandler: I can't come to this hospital anymore.

Rachel: Why not?

Chandler: I walked down the hall and all the nurses say "hello Mr. Bing, it's good to see you again".

Joey: Everyone has their own happy place Chandler. Unlike most guys who go to a strip club or a bar, you go to the hospital to feel loved.

(Ben awakens)

Ben: Daddy?

Ross: Hey son. How do you feel?

Ben: Better. How'd I get here?

Ross: Mommy brought you here.

Ben (looking at Rachel, then mad): No she didn't! She sent me to school even though I told I her was sick! She wouldn't believe me! She told me I had an alien gestating in my stomach!

Joey: Cool, that's just like the Alien movie where the alien explodes out of that guy's gut. (Ross and Rachel glare at Joey) I'm just saying.

Ross: Ben, Mommy did bring you here. You're just a little loopy from the drugs.

Ben: No she didn't! The ambulance came to school and got me! Get her out of here! Get Mommy out of here! I don't wanna see her! I hate her!

Joey: That's some powerful drugs that they gave the kid. (Ross and Rachel glare at Joey again) Chandler and I will wait in the hall.

(Chandler, Michael and Joey leave)

Ross: Mommy cares for you buddy, that's why she brought you here. She loves you.

Ben: Daddy, you don't understand! Mommy sent me to school even though I told her that I was sick! She wouldn't listen to me! Get her out of here!

Ross: Don't talk to your mother that way.

Ben: She's not my mother. She's my mean stepmother!

Ross: I'm warning you Ben. One more word and…..

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: What?

Rachel: I sent Ben to school. I didn't think he was sick. I thought he was pulling the stomach ache prank again and I didn't want to fall for it twice. I'm sorry, I made a mistake.

Ross: You could've killed my son! I need a cigarette!

Rachel: Honey, you don't even smoke.

Ross: With the judgment you've shown today, I honestly don't think that you're in any position to tell me what it is I do and what I don't do!

(Ross leaves the room)

Ben (to Rachel): What are you still doing here?

Rachel: Ben, I really am sorry. I really do love you.

Ben: Get out! I hate you! I really hope that bus hits you when you cross the street!

Rachel: I'm sorry Ben.

(Rachel, dejected, leaves)

Rachel (to Chandler): Where'd Ross go?

Chandler: I have no idea.

Rachel (to Joey): Ross really beat you one on one?

Joey (sarcastically): No, I broke my hand for the fun of it.


CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Phoebe enter)

Monica: That was so much fun.

Phoebe: There's nothing like ending a relationship with a bang.

Monica: Are you sure we won't get arrested?

Phoebe: Nah. I have done that to at least ten ex-boyfriends. Besides, it will look to the police like Mitch was involved with the mob. That's the sort of thing mobsters do to one another.

Monica: Why'd we wear latex gloves again?

Phoebe: So there's no fingerprints on anything.

Monica: I wonder what's it like to be thrown into the East River in a laundry bag in November.

Phoebe: I don't know. But it's definitely cold enough to give a man a mean case of shrinkage.