THE ONE WITH THE SELLOUT

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Ross, Caitlin, Chandler and Joey are present)

Rachel: How's Monica holding up?

Chandler: Shouldn't you be asking me that question? I'm ready to kill her.

Ross: So the opening's tonight?

Chandler: Yeah. She's got all the restaurant critics from all the major newspapers coming to sample her food.

Joey: I don't see what she's worried about. Food is food. You can't screw up food.

Ross: They've obviously never had Rachel's traditional English trifle.

Rachel: I'll never live that down will I? (Ross and Chandler shake their heads no)

Joey: For what's its worth, I loved your traditional English trifle.

Rachel: Thanks, but that does nothing for me.

Chandler: Whoa, flashback.

Ross: How is that a flashback?

Chandler: Monica tells me that in the bedroom all the time.

OPENING CREDITS

MICHAEL'S PLACE (Monica and her staff are preparing for the opening)

Monica: Where's Gretchen?

Waiter: Oh yeah, she called in sick.

Monica: What?!

Waiter: Hey, don't shoot me, I'm only the messenger.

Monica: Great, opening day and I'm already down a chef.

Waitress: I can cook if you need some help.

Monica: No offence Tracy, but you can't even serve tables correctly.

Tracy: Oh really? Then why did you hire me?

Monica: You have a nice rack. My guy customers have to have something to look at.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey Mon! What you doing?

Monica: I'm running around with my head cut off. What do you think I'm doing?

Phoebe: Sorry, just trying to be a friend.

Monica: I'm sorry. Gretchen called in sick and I don't have a replacement for her. I'm really stuck behind the eight ball.

Phoebe: So do what I do, jump the cue ball over the eight ball.

Monica: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Beats me.

Monica: I'd love to chat but I have to find a replacement chef in the next hour or I'm gonna be screwed.

Phoebe: Ok. I'll see you later. (Phoebe goes to leave) I think I could help you.

Monica: How's that?

Phoebe: I'll be your chef.

Monica: You know nothing about cooking Phoebe. You can't even make a Pop Tart right.

Phoebe: Well I hate to pull rank, but I'm your replacement chef for today.

Monica: Um Pheebs, I own this restaurant, I make all the decisions.

Phoebe: No, no you donít.

Monica: Is any of your hard-earned money in this restaurant?

Phoebe: Is yours?

Monica: I don't have time for this!

Phoebe: Ok, ok. If you must know, I bought into your restaurant this morning.

Monica: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: I gave Chandler $150,000 for 50% ownership in the restaurant. I'm your new partner!

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: It'll be like the catering business all over again. I'll be the money person and you make the food!

Monica: Chandler did what? I'm gonna kill him.

Phoebe: If you do kill him, can I at least get my $150,000 back?

GREENWICH ELEMENTARY SCHOOL (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present. They're talking to Ben's teacher.)

Ben's Teacher: Thanks for coming down.

Ross: Not a problem.

Rachel: Yeah Ms. Meadows, we're happy to be of any assistance.

Ms. Meadows: Please, call me Susie.

Ross: So what did you want us to see you about Susie?

Susie: It's about Ben.

Ross: Oh, did he do something wrong?

Susie: Not exactly.

Rachel: Then what's the problem?

Susie: Ben is a very bright little boy. In fact, Ben is too smart for the second grade. I think it's a disservice to him to have him at this grade level. Every time I ask a question he's the first to raise his hand to answer; he thinks of questions that no one else in his grade level should even be able to ask; his reading level is beyond the grade level and this is despite the fact that sleeps half the time in class; and finally, he never misses a question when he's tested. Since it's early on in the school year, I think now would be a good time to have him skip the second grade and go straight to the next.

(Ross is beaming with pride)

Rachel: Are you sure that's the right thing to do? Socially, Ben interacts better with kids his own age. There's a big difference between an eight year-old and a nine year-old.

Ross: Huh, he must be like his Dad. I skipped the fourth grade you know.

Rachel: And look how you turned out.

(Ross now wants to kill Rachel)

Susie: It's completely your decision. I just think that it would be the best choice for Ben. All I want you to do is think about it for a couple of days and then get back to me. The sooner you make the decision the better. If we promote him now, then he won't miss much instruction. I've already talked to Mr. Sweeney, the third grade teacher, and he supports this idea. I can arrange a meeting with Mr. Sweeney if you'd like.

Ross: That'd be great.

Susie: Thanks for coming down to see me. I look forward to hearing your decision.

Ross: Thanks Susie.

Rachel: Will be in touch.

(Ross, Rachel and Caitlin leave)

Ross: Did you hear that? My boy is as bright as can be.

Rachel: He must take after his step mom.

Ross: What? You're not bright.

Rachel: Do you want to re-phrase that?

Ross: I mean you didn't skip a grade like I did.

Rachel: And who makes more money? Me or you?

Ross (sheepishly): You do.

Rachel: So much for the being bright theory.

CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Chandler are present)

Chandler: So how's it living with Jenna?

Joey: I'm not living with Jenna. She merely moved her clothes and toiletries in.

Chandler: So how's it clothes living with Jenna?

Joey: Pretty good. Did you know that she primarily wears thongs?

Chandler: Great, I have a hard enough time concentrating when she's in the room now.

Joey: You think she's hot?

Chandler: It I wasn't married I would've asked her out myself.

Joey: Like you could compete with Joey Tribbiani.

Chandler: I can't even compete with little Ben.

Joey: Ok, she told me not to tell anyone this, but I have to tell you. I mean, you're my best friend and all.

Chandler: Ok, we're not women.

Joey: Though you act like one.

Chandler: So what's the scoop?

Joey: Jenna talks in her sleep.

Chandler: That's it? That's the juicy gossip? She talks in her sleep? Big deal.

Joey: It's what she says that's a big deal.

Chandler: What does she say?

Joey: You know you have dirty talk when you're having sex with Monica?

Chandler: I wouldn't know, I married Monica and we stopped having sex.

Joey: Then where did Michael come from?

Chandler: That's what I'd like to know!

Joey: Anyway, when Jenna talks in her sleep all she talks about is sexual type things. At first I thought she was talking to me, but when I mounted her, she woke up and asked me what the hell I was doing.

Chandler: So what does she say?

Joey: You know stuff like, "give it to me hard and deep, ride me like a cowboy, lick me there, spank my fat ass", stuff like that.

Chandler: She doesn't have a fat ass.

Joey: I know. I'm telling ya, she talks hotter when she's asleep then when she's awake and we're getting it on. (pause) You should come over one night and listen to her. It's absolutely hysterical.

Chandler: I am not gonna come over and listen to your girlfriend talk sexy when she's asleep.

Joey: Why not?

Chandler: It's wrong.

Joey: When has that ever stopped you before?

Chandler: Ok, so it hasn't. But still, I work with Jenna, I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face in front of her. And, if she found out that you let me listen to her, she'd dump your ass.

Joey: She wouldn't dump me, she loves me. Well if you're not gonna come over at night to listen, I'll do the next best thing, I'll record her and then you can listen to the recording.

Chandler: That might work. I've never really heard a woman talk dirty before.

Joey: You mean Monica doesn't talk dirty?

Chandler: No. Her mouth is as clean as the apartment.

MICHAEL'S PLACE (Monica and Phoebe are present)

Monica: Ok partner, can you hold down the fort here for thirty minutes?

Phoebe: You called me partner! (Monica just looks at Phoebe) I can hold down the fort. Where're you going?

Monica: I've got some business to attend to.

Phoebe: And would this business include hanging Chandler by his ankles from your balcony?

Monica: Try impaling.

Phoebe: Ew, that happened to me in the middle ages. Quite painful. You're coming back though, right?

Monica: I'll be right back. Just don't do anything stupid.

Phoebe: Would I do that?

Monica: Do I have to answer that?

Phoebe: Go. Go impale Chandler. I'll get the staff ready to have the best opening ever.

Monica: You're not to say anything to the staff. Just act like you know what you're doing.

Phoebe: I can do that. I act all the time.

Monica: I'm serious. Don't talk to the staff, don't tell them what to do and for God's sake, don't talk to any food critics if they show up early.

Phoebe: Gotcha. (Monica leaves. A waiter comes in)

Waiter: Where's Monica going? We open in an hour.

Phoebe: Trouble at home. She'll be right back.

Waiter: What kind of trouble?

Phoebe: I can't tell you.

Waiter: But she'll be right back?

Phoebe: Yes.

Waiter: By the way, who are you?

Phoebe: Phoebe Buffay. I'm co-owner of this establishment.

Waiter: Lucifer Angel, nice to meet you.

Phoebe: You wouldnít be related to Satan would you?

Lucifer: No. My parents we're involved in a Satanic cult when I was born. That's why they named me Lucifer. But don't tell Monica, I told her my name was Louie.

Phoebe: Ok, Louie, I won't say a thing. Are your parents still involved in the cult?

Lucifer: Yes, my Dad's a high priest and my Mom's a high priestest.

Phoebe: And are you a member of this cult?

Lucifer: No. I'm a born-again Christian. My parents disowned me.

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin and Ben are present)

Ben (to Ross): Why can't I play with my X-box? You promised me that I could play games for a half-hour after my homework was done.

Ross: Because your step mom and I have to talk about school with you.

Ben: Did I do something wrong?

Rachel: No, Ben, you're not in trouble. We just want to talk about school with you.

Ben: Ok.

Ross: We saw your teacher, Ms. Meadows, today. She said that you're doing exceptionally well in class.

Ben: I know. Her class is totally easy.

Rachel: Why's that?

Ben: Because she teaches me stuff I already know.

Ross (to Rachel): I told you he was bright.

Rachel: Ben, how would you feel if we had you skip second grade and start third grade next week?

Ben: I dunno.

Rachel: Do you know any of the boys in the third grade?

Ben: Yeah. I play with them on the playground sometimes. Other times, I do their homework for them.

Ross: You do their homework for them?

Ben: Yeah. Some of the kids have problems doing their math homework so I do it for them for $10.

Rachel (to Ross): Where does a third grader get $10?

Ben: They steal it from their parents when they're not looking.

Rachel: Do you, do you do their homework for them a lot?

Ben: Yeah. I made $100 last week. I'm saving up to buy an aquarium.

Ross: That must be some big aquarium.

Rachel: Ross! You're not helping.

Ross: Ben, you shouldn't be doing other people's homework for them. It doesn't do them any good because then they're not learning anything.

Ben: But it does me good, I make a lot of money.

Rachel (to Ross): Are you sure Phoebe didn't give birth to Ben?

Ben: Hey that's who I got the idea from. Aunt Phoebe told me that I could make a lot of money if I did homework for people.

Ross: I know who we're talking to next.

Ben: Can I go play now?

Ross: Yes. Go ahead. (Ben goes to leave) Wait, let me see your homework before you start playing games.

Ben: Yes Daddy. (Ben goes to his room to get his homework)

Rachel: Well I was totally against having Ben go to the third grade, but I guess we really don't have any other options.

Ross: He'll be ok Rachel. He already plays with the third graders at recess. There's no sense in letting him stay in the second grade if he's not challenged by the course material.

(Ben returns with his homework and hands it to Ross. Ross looks it over)

Rachel: Is it done right?

Ross: Ben, this is a fifth grader's homework.

Ben: Oops, I gave you the wrong one. I'll go get mine.

Rachel: Houston, I think we have a major problem.

MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Joey are watching TV. Monica comes storming in)

Chandler: I think you'd better leave Joe. (Joey tries to leave)

Monica: Sit down Joey! I'm gonna need your help getting my foot out of Chandler's ass!

Joey (to Chandler): What in the hell did you do now?

Chandler: Is this about Phoebe and her buying into the restaurant?

Monica: Yes! I can't believe you went behind my back and sold me out! Who in the hell do you think you are?

Joey: He's Chandler.

Monica: Get out Joey!

Joey: I'll be across the hall. If you need help getting your foot out of Chandler's ass, just holler. (Joey leaves)

Monica: You've done some stupid things in your life, but this one takes top prize! How dare you sell half of my dream to someone else!

Chandler: Ok, ok. Can I at least explain why I offered Phoebe 50% of the restaurant?

Monica: No! You're gonna give me the money and I'll return it to Phoebe!

Chandler: Yeah about that, that's a major problem because I don't have the money anymore.

Monica: What?! She just gave you the money this morning!

Chandler: I know. But I already spent it.

Monica: On what?!

Chandler: Hookers and wine. (Monica glares at Chandler and then goes to hit him. Chandler ducks out of the way) Ok, maybe this isn't the time to crack jokes. Look, I was gonna surprise you, but I purchased a flat on Beale Street this afternoon. We can move in a month from now.

Monica: You did what?!

Chandler: I bought a three bedroom flat here in the village for us. It's two blocks from the restaurant and it's absolutely gorgeous. But I was short on the down payment money, so I offered Phoebe an ownership interest in your restaurant. I didn't think you'd mind. After all, you went ahead with the restaurant plans without clueing me in on the deal.

Monica (calmer): You bought us a flat?

Chandler: Yeah. I did. I figured we'd need more room since we have Michael and plan on having another kid in the future.

Monica: Why didn't you tell me?

Chandler: I wanted to surprise you in the same way that you surprised me with the restaurant. Phoebe went to Michael's didn't she?

Monica: Yeah. Gretchen, my Assistant Head Chef, called in sick and Phoebe said that she'd fill in. When I said no, she said she was doing it because you sold her a 50% ownership interest in the restaurant.

Chandler: That bitch!

Monica: Huh?

Chandler: Phoebe was supposed to be a silent investor. I was going to tell you about her purchase until I had showed you our new place.

Monica: Well it looks like you've done two stupid things today.

Chandler: I know the first. What's the second?

Monica: You trusted Phoebe to remain silent.

MICHAEL'S PLACE (It's ten minutes before the Grand Opening and Monica isn't back yet)

Louie: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Louie: The serving staff is starting to panic because Monica isn't here to give them their final instructions.

Phoebe: Ok. I'll do it. Gather the staff.

Louie: Ok. (Louie goes to gather the staff)

Phoebe: Cindy?

Cindy: Yes?

Phoebe: Is the kitchen staff ready to go?

Cindy: Yup.

Phoebe: Good. I'm gonna go give the final instructions to the serving staff and the hostesses. Start doing whatever it is that you guys do.

Cindy: Ok.

(Phoebe goes out to the front. The staff gathers around)

Phoebe: Ok guys, this is it. Here are your final instructions. Are you ready?

All: Yes.

Phoebe: Don't screw up! Now let's go get 'em.

Waiter #2: I don't think she knows what she's doing.

Waitress #1: Of course not, she's a blonde.

(Monica comes rushing in)

Monica: Good Phoebe, you gathered everyone.

Louie: Phoebe already gave us our instructions.

Monica: She did?

Phoebe: Yup.

Monica (whispering to Phoebe): I thought I told you not to talk to the staff.

Phoebe (whispering back): And you should know that I never listen to you.

Monica: Ok. Tonight's the big night. I want everyone at the top of their game. Remember, they're will be at least 20 food critics here tonight, you are to treat them with the utmost respect. Actually, I expect you to treat all the customers with the utmost respect. They're the ones paying your salaries and your tips. I hired you all because I think you're the best. Now make me proud and let's make this restaurant a success. Everyone to your positions and let's open the doors.

Phoebe: That was much better than my speech.

Monica: Well thank you. (pause) What did you say?

Phoebe: I simply said "Don't screw up".

Monica: That'd work too partner.

Phoebe: So did you kill Chandler?

Monica: No. I gave him something that he'll always remember.

Phoebe: So you stuck a high-heeled shoe up his ass?

Monica: I gave him the ride of his life. That's why I was late.

Phoebe: He told you about the flat?

Monica: Yeah. You knew this whole time didn't you?

Phoebe: Yeah. But I promised him that I'd be a silent investor.

Monica (laughing): Phoebe, you were not suppose to say anything to me about buying a 50% interest in the restaurant.

Phoebe: So that's what that means!

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are talking. Ben and Caitlin are in bed)

Rachel: So should we put Ben in the sixth grade?

Ross: No. I donít know what to do about this.

Rachel: Maybe we should just send him to college.

Ross: Yeah right, could you see me teaching Ben about Paleontology?

Rachel: No, he'd never take the course to begin with, he's much too bright to do something that stupid.

Ross: Don't start with me.

Rachel: I'm sorry. Maybe we should just let him go to the third grade. That way he'd be ahead of schedule school wise but not too far removed from kids his age.

Ross: I guess that's the best option. I guess we'll tell him in the morning.

Rachel: Did you really skip the fourth grade?

Ross: Yup.

Rachel: Why?

Ross: Because I was doing math homework for the seventh graders when I was in the third grade. My parents found out about it and told the school administration that they wanted me to skip the fourth grade.

Rachel: If you were so smart, why didn't they put you in the sixth grade?

Ross: Because I was socially inept to handle sixth graders. If I didn't do their homework for them they'd beat me to a pulp. It was awful.

Rachel: That explains a lot.

Ross: What does that mean?

Rachel: It explains why it took you nine years to ask me out.

Ross: I didn't ask you out for nine years because I thought I was a geek and you'd just laugh at me.

Rachel: As I was saying, it explains a lot, you are a geek.

JOEY'S APARTMENT (It's midnight. Joey's watching David Letterman as Chandler enters)

Joey: I thought you said you weren't coming over because it was wrong.

Chandler: It is wrong. (pause) But I just can't stop thinking about it. Is Jenna asleep?

Joey: I think so. Let me go check. (Joey checks on Jenna and returns) She's out like a light.

Chandler: Is she saying stuff?

Joey: I dunno. I wasn't in there real long. Are you sure you're ready for this?

Chandler: As long as Monica doesn't find out, I'm home free.

Joey: Yeah, maybe you should go back to your place. Monica will find out, she always does.

Chandler: That's because 90% of the time your big mouth gets me in trouble with her. (Joey and Chandler enter the bedroom. Jenna's asleep.) She's not saying anything.

Joey: Hold on a minute, I'll rub her back. Every time I do that she starts talking up a storm. (Joey goes over to the bed and starts rubbing Jenna's back. After a few seconds, she starts talking)

Jenna (in her sleep): Oh yeah, that feels so good. Right there, that's it. Harder, harder. Give it to me, give it to me. Oh Chandler, do it to me hard!

Joey (very loud): What! (Jenna wakes up)

Jenna: What? What is it?

Joey: Nothing, I stepped on a tack. I'm sorry I woke you.

Jenna (noticing Chandler in the room): Why's Chandler in our bedroom at, at (looks at the clock), at 12:10 am?

Joey: Well, he was, he was just gonna borrow some underwear from me.

Jenna: You don't wear underwear Joey.

Joey: Well I was gonna give him one of yours.

Jenna: You were gonna give him some of my underwear. Joey, I only wear thongs. I highly doubt that a thong would support Chandler's boys.

Joey: You've obviously never seen Chandler naked.

Chandler: Hey! Cheap shot!

Jenna: Seriously, why is Chandler over here so late?

Chandler: We were just talking about how it's so great that you're clothes living with Joey. I told Joey that I didn't believe that you moved in your clothes so he said that he could prove it. So we came in here so he could show me your clothes. And look at that, your clothes are definitely here.

Jenna: You expect me to believe that?

Joey: Why not? It's the truth.

Jenna: And the underwear story?

Joey: Also true, Chandler likes to wear women's panties. It makes him feel closer to his father.

Chandler: Yes, my Dad's a transvestite.

Jenna: So you didn't come over here to listen to me talk in my sleep?

Joey: You talk in your sleep? Since when?

Jenna: Joey, I may be dating you, but I'm not as stupid as you are. You're not the first boyfriend of mine to bring his best friend over to hear me talk in my sleep.

Joey: I can't believe you would even accuse me of doing that!

Jenna: Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah?

Jenna: Did you like what you heard?

Chandler: Definitely. I, I mean no. I don't know what you're talking about.

Jenna: Joey, if you ever lie to me again, I'll cut your peepee off. Now I'm going back to bed. I was right in the middle of having sex with Chandler when you woke me up and I'd like to get back to my dream. Oh, and by the way Joey, dream Chandler is way better than you'll ever be.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Chandler and Jenna are present)

Jenna (to Chandler): Joey's not speaking to me.

Chandler: Why not?

Jenna: He's upset that I had dream sex with you last night.

Chandler: Was it good for you?

Jenna: You have no idea. It's too bad you're married.

Joey: Hello! I'm sitting right here!

Chandler: Would you grow up? There's no way in hell Jenna and I will ever have sex together. I'm married and she's your girlfriend.

Joey: Yeah, as I recall you slept with one of my girlfriends already.

Jenna: You did?

Chandler: Yes. I once stole a girl from Joey. Her name was Kathy and she was dating Joey. Kathy and I became good friends and one thing led to another and she dumped Joey for me.

Joey: For which you're still serving time for by the way.

Chandler: That was over five years ago. Let it go.

Joey: Well you just added two years to your sentence for having dream sex with my girlfriend.

Jenna: If it'll make you feel any better Joey, I was having dream sex with Chandler long before I started dating you. So technically, you're the one who's cheating on Chandler.

(Joey looks at Jenna in disbelief as Chandler laughs)