THE ONE WITH THE SPECIAL DELIVERY
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Jenna is present)
Monica: Can you believe this weather that we're having? I mean it's almost Thanksgiving and we haven't had a day of snow yet. It's the end of November and I'm still wearing shorts.
Joey: And yet your legs are so white that it looks like you haven't worn shorts in months.
Monica: Leave my legs alone.
Chandler: Yeah, those legs belong to me. (Monica looks at Chandler) I mean, don't make fun of Monica Joey.
Ross: You know what they say…..
Rachel: That when Ross speaks no one listens.
Ross: Fine. I won't share my bit of wisdom with you all.
Phoebe: Well there you have it, my Thanksgiving wish has finally been fulfilled. I guess we can go on to Christmas.
Joey: What do you want for Christmas Pheebs?
Phoebe: I just want what Rachel's afraid to ask Ross for.
Joey: Diamond earrings?
Phoebe: A full year of not listening to Ross share his wisdom with all of us.
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Rachel: So what time should we come over for Thanksgiving Mon?
Monica: I'm not having Thanksgiving this year.
Monica: I'm not having Thanksgiving this year. Chandler and I are going to visit his Dad over Thanksgiving.
Chandler: That's right! We're not spending Thanksgiving with you losers! We'll be in the city of sin.
Phoebe: Yeah, that title pretty follows wherever Monica goes.
Joey: Then who's cooking?
(everyone looks at Rachel)
Rachel: Whoa, don't look at me. If I cook Thanksgiving dinner everyone's gonna be eating macaroni and cheese.
Ross: And she can't even do that right.
Rachel: I can cook macaroni and cheese thank you very much.
Ross: Yeah right. The last time you tried you forgot to add the cheese. All we had is undercooked macaroni.
Rachel: See if I'm ever cooking for you again.
Ross: And my Thanksgiving wish is now fulfilled.
Phoebe: I'll cook Thanksgiving dinner.
Joey: No way, you don't even eat meat and I don't want to even find out that they make a tofu turkey.
Ross: I guess we could go to my parents for Thanksgiving.
Joey: That sounds like a plan.
Ross: No, I meant Rachel, Caitlin and I.
Monica: What about Ben?
Ross: He's with his mother in California for the week.
Chandler: I knew I should've gotten married, had a kid and then gotten divorced. That way I could send the kid off and enjoy the holiday in….
Monica: You finish that sentence and you're wish will come true.
Phoebe: Come on, I want to have Thanksgiving at my place. It'll be like old times.
Joey: Ah Pheebs, we never had Thanksgiving at your place. We've always had it at Monica's.
Phoebe: Yes, but I live in Monica's old apartment now. The tenant is improved but the place is still the same.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Thanksgiving morning. Chandler, Monica and Michael are present)
Monica: Would you hurry up! We're gonna miss our flight!
Chandler (emerging from the bedroom): That was kind of the plan.
Monica: Stop being a baby. You're Dad's gonna be happy to see us.
Chandler: No, my Dad's gonna be happy to see the bottle of Crown Royal that I got him. The only thing my Dad would be happier to see is Mr. Garabaldi bent over his piano in his birthday suit.
Monica: Don't speak ill of the dead.
Chandler: Do you have the tickets?
Monica: Yeah. Did you remember to pack your underwear this time?
Chandler: Damn it!
Monica: Hurry up! The cab is waiting for us! You know what, just wear the same pair everyday.
Chandler: That's gross!
Monica: Then go commando. Let's go.
Chandler: Fine, but I get my thing caught in the zipper again, I'm blaming you.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present)
Rachel (looking out the window): What time is Monica and Chandler's flight at?
Ross: I think it's at 9.
Rachel: They're not going anywhere.
Ross: Why not?
Rachel: Take a look for yourself.
(Ross looks out the window. The street is covered in snow. The roads are impassable)
Ross: There's like five feet of snow on the ground!
Rachel: The only person who could fly today is Santa.
Ross: Or Monica on her broom.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade as Joey and Jenna enter)
Joey: Hey Pheebs.
Jenna: Hi Phoebe!
Joey: Shouldn't you be cooking?
Joey: Aren't you cooking dinner for everyone?
Phoebe: Is that today?
Jenna: Please tell me your kidding.
Phoebe: I'm kidding.
Joey (looking in the oven): There's no turkey in here Phoebe. Where's the bird?
Phoebe: It's not here yet.
Joey: It's not here?
Phoebe: I hired a catering service. They're bringing the food in a couple of hours.
Jenna: Have you seen the roads outside?
Phoebe: Yeah, they're paved in asphalt and cars go over it.
Jenna: Phoebe, New York City is snowed in. There's no way the catering service is going to be able to deliver the food.
Phoebe: I did not know that. (picking up the phone)
Joey: Who are you calling?
Phoebe: Rachel. It looks like we're having macaroni and cheese after all.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present)
Chandler: What are you doing?
Monica: I'm calling the cab company.
Chandler: Monica, the roads are impassable. We're not going anywhere.
Monica: No way mister, you're not getting out of seeing your Dad that easily. (on the phone) Hello? (pause) Yeah, I called for a cab but it never showed up. Could you send another one? (pause) So, it's just a little snow. (pause) But my flight to Las Vegas leaves in 90 minutes! (pause) Well can't you just put a snowplow on the front of the cab? (pause) Hello? (to Chandler) They hung up on me.
Chandler: What a surprise.
Monica: How far is it to La Guardia?
Chandler: About 30 miles.
Monica: Well if we run, maybe we can still make our flight.
Chandler: Monica, even OJ Simpson fleeing from the police couldn't make it to La Guardia running in under two and a half hours. Face it, we're not going anywhere.
Monica: I guess we're going to Phoebe's after all.
Chandler: Why don't we just stay here and have Thanksgiving by ourselves?
Chandler: Because I called everyone losers. I can't face them now. I'll look like an idiot.
Monica: So? You look like an idiot everyday.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Joey and Jenna are present)
Joey: Did you get through to Rachel?
Phoebe: No, she's probably banging Ross right now.
Joey: Did you wait two minutes and try again?
Joey: Well it doesn't take Ross much longer than that.
Jenna: How would you know?
Joey: Rachel tells me everything.
(Ross, Rachel and Caitlin enter)
Ross: We're here!
Joey (to Jenna): See what I mean. (to Ross) Did you bring the macaroni and cheese?
Joey: Phoebe doesn't have any food.
Jenna: Phoebe hired a catering service to bring us dinner, but the catering service can't come because the streets are impassable.
Rachel: Phoebe! You had three days to prepare for all of us! You could've gone to the store and bought a stupid turkey!
Phoebe: Like I'm gonna listen to someone who can't even make macaroni and cheese.
Ross: Then what are gonna do for dinner?
Rachel: Joey, do you have any food?
Joey: No. We always eat out.
Phoebe: Well I do have some pop tarts. We could eat those.
(Jennifer and Brad enter)
Brad: Man, have you seen the snow out there? It's really coming down.
Rachel: How did you guys get here? The roads are impassable.
Jennifer: We stayed at the Mark Hopkins last night. We walked here.
Ross: But Jennifer is due at any moment.
Jennifer: I went to the Doctor's yesterday. She said I have at least another week.
Joey: Did you see any turkeys on the way here?
Joey: Do you have any macaroni and cheese?
Jennifer: No. What's going on?
Phoebe: The catering service I hired to bring us food can't get here because of the streets. We don't have any Thanksgiving food. But not all is lost, I do have enough Pop Tarts to go around.
THE STREETS OF NEW YORK (Monica and Chandler are walking to Phoebe's. It's still snowing)
Chandler: I want to go home.
Monica: Well I wanted a baby girl and I didn't get that. Sometimes we don't get what we want. Keep walking.
Chandler: Michael's gonna freeze to death.
Monica: Michael's fine. He doesn't even know he's outside.
Chandler: Can I borrow his scarf?
Monica: No, he needs that to stay warm.
Chandler: But what about me?!
Monica: You should've dressed warmer.
Chandler: I have three sweaters on and four pairs of socks. I can't dress any warmer.
Monica: Well I know this next suggestion is a real stretch for you, but you should grow up and be a man.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Everyone but Monica and Chandler are present)
Joey: Did you try the catering company again?
Joey: What'd they say?
Phoebe: They said the same thing as last time.
Joey: Which was?
Phoebe: Stop calling here. We never got your order in the first place.
Rachel: They never got your order?!
Phoebe: I guess not.
Rachel: God, this is turning into the Thanksgiving from hell!
Jennifer: Uh oh!
Brad: Are you ok honey?
Jennifer: I think we have a problem.
Joey: Yeah, it's called I'm hungry and all we have to eat is Pop Tarts.
Jennifer: It's a little bigger than that Joey.
Ross (noticing water on the floor, underneath Jennifer): Oh My God!
Rachel: I'll call 911.
Brad: Sweetie, you can't have the baby here. You have to wait until we get you to the hospital.
Jennifer: You don't think I don't know that?!
Phoebe: Jen, why don't we move you into my bedroom. You can lie on the bed until the ambulance comes.
(Phoebe and Brad escort Jennifer into Phoebe's room. Monica, Chandler and Michael enter)
Joey: Well if it isn't the "we're not good enough for you" couple.
Monica: Hey, I never said that. Chandler's the one that called you all losers.
Chandler: Thanks for reminding them Monica.
Ross: Why aren't you on your way to Vegas?
Chandler: Have you been outside?
Joey: Did you bring any food?
Chandler: Yes, we put it all in this imaginary grocery basket.
Joey: Look, did you bring any food or not?
Monica: No. Why?
Rachel: Phoebe hired a catering service, or at least she thought she did, needless to say, we don't have anything to eat for dinner.
Monica: Doesn't Joey have any food?
Jenna: We eat out all the time.
Monica: So we have no food?
Ross: We do have Pop Tarts.
(Brad emerges from Phoebe's bedroom)
Brad: Is the ambulance coming?
Rachel: As soon as the road is clear.
Brad: When's that gonna happen?
Rachel: As soon as they can dig the snowplows out.
Jennifer (from the bedroom): Brad! Get your butt in here!
Chandler: What's going on?
Ross (nonchalantly): Jennifer's just having her baby in Phoebe's room. She should be ok.
Joey: Hey, it's four o'clock, the game is on.
(Chandler, Joey and Ross sit down on the couch to watch the game. Phoebe emerges from the bedroom)
Phoebe: Is there a Doctor in the building?
Monica: I don't think so.
Joey: Ross, Phoebe wants you.
Ross: I have a PhD, not a MD.
Joey: I don't care if you have VD, Phoebe needs you!
Phoebe: Come on Ross, you're the best that we've got.
Ross: But I don't know what I'm doing!
Phoebe: I know that, just don't tell Jennifer. Tell her that you know what you're doing.
(Ross and Phoebe enter Phoebe's bedroom. Brad emerges)
Rachel: Can we give you a hand with anything?
Brad: If you could go to medical school and then graduate in the next 30 minutes, that'd be great.
Monica: Chandler could do that, he never takes more than 30 minutes for anything.
Chandler (to Joey): I told you I married Satan.
Brad: Phoebe said she has a computer in the spare bedroom. Could one of you go online and look up delivery babies? Ross is gonna need all the help he can get.
(Monica and Rachel look at one another)
Monica: Don't look at me. I'm a chef, I know nothing about computers.
Rachel: I have my assistant do all my computer work for me.
Jenna: I'll do it. And you two should really join the 21st century.
(cut to Phoebe's bedroom. Ross is looking between Jennifer's legs. He has a ruler in his hand)
Jennifer: What are you going to do with that?!
Ross: I need to see how many centimeters you are.
Ross: I need to see how close you are to delivering. The Doctor looks, looks, you know, down there to determine how far dilated you are. Could you get me a flashlight Pheebs?
Jennifer (to Brad): Sure, go off the pill, let's have a child! Even better, let's deliver our baby in a friend's bedroom!
Brad: You're doing great Jen.
Jennifer: Get out!
Jennifer: Get out! You did this to me! You made me walk a mile in the snow when I was 9 months pregnant for a Thanksgiving less dinner! Get out!
Brad: It was your idea to walk!
Jennifer: Get out!
Ross: Brad, you'd better leave. I've got it covered. I'll come get you when she's ready to push.
Rachel: Here you go honey.
Ross: What's this?
Rachel: Directions on how to deliver a baby.
Jennifer: You told me that you've done this before!
Ross: I meant that I've been in the delivery room twice.
(cut to the balcony. Joey, Chandler and Brad are talking)
Joey: Ok, I've got $50 that Jennifer has the baby on the way to the hospital.
Chandler: And I have $50 that Jennifer has the baby in the hospital.
Brad: So that leaves Jennifer having the baby here at the apartment.
Joey: Right. Are you in?
Brad: $50 that Jennifer has the baby here at the apartment.
Chandler: Just keep it quiet. Monica will kill me if she found out I was betting again.
Joey: Can you even do anything anymore without having to keep it from Monica?
(cut the family room. Monica, Rachel and Jenna are talking)
Rachel: Ok, the last time I talked to Jen, she said that they were gonna name the baby Matthew, David or John if it was a boy. If it's a girl, she was thinking Courteney, Lisa or Jennifer.
Rachel: Her father's name is John.
Jenna: What's the bet?
Rachel: This is a baby's name, not Texas Hold 'Em. The bet's $50. We each get a boy's name and a girl's name. Monica, you're first.
Monica: I'll take Matthew and Courteney.
Jenna: John and Lisa.
Rachel: Ok, I have David and Jennifer.
Monica: Just keep it quiet, I can't let Chandler find out that I'm betting again.
Jenna: Why not?
Monica: Because I still haven't told him that I lost $4,000 in Atlantic City two weeks ago.
Rachel: Yes, the foundation of every good marriage, nondisclosure.
(cut to the bedroom. Ross is between Jennifer's legs, holding a flashlight in one hand and the directions on childbirth in the other)
Brad: Yeah honey?
Jennifer: Where's the f^cking ambulance?!
Brad: The streets are plowed yet.
Brad: Are you ok?
Ross: Sorry about that Jen. (to Brad) I accidentally put the ruler in too far.
(cut to an hour later. Ross emerges from Phoebe's bedroom)
Ross: I need towels, hot water and surgical gloves.
Rachel: The towels are here, the hot water is ready but we don't have any surgical gloves.
Phoebe: Yeah we do. Check my underwear drawer, there should be some in there.
Joey: Why do you have surgical gloves?
Phoebe: Bend over and I'll show you.
(cut to Phoebe's bedroom. Ross is instructing Jennifer)
Ross: Ok Jen, you're almost ready. (to Brad) How far apart are the contractions?
Brad: About 30 seconds.
Jennifer: Can't you just do a C-section?
Ross: Ok, let's focus on one delivery method at a time. If you have another kid, I'll make sure that I'm well versed on C-sections at that time. Rachel?
(Joey enters the room)
Joey: She's feeding Caitlin. Need help?
Ross: Hold this flashlight and keep it pointed at Jennifer's vagina.
Joey: Ok. (peers between Jennifer's legs) Huh, I would've thought that you'd keep a close shave down there.
Jennifer: Get him out of here!
Ross: Chandler, get in here! You're dismissed Joey.
Joey: What'd I do?
Ross: You officially went from being a help to being a moron.
Joey: Fine. Let gay boy help you.
Chandler: What'd you need?
Ross: Hold the flashlight and keep it pointed at Jennifer's vagina. And don't make any comments about her pubic hair.
Chandler: That why Joey got booted?
Ross: You think? (to Jennifer) Ok Jen, time to push.
(cut to the family room)
Rachel: Is it still snowing?
Phoebe: Do I look like a weatherman?
Monica: It's still snowing.
Jenna: Are there any Pop Tarts left?
Joey: Nope. I ate the last 10.
Joey: I was hungry!
Rachel (pointing to the TV): Check it out.
TV Announcer: 70% of New York City is without power at this hour as the strongest Nor'Easter since 1985 has ravaged the City. Streets are impassable and snow is accumulating at 7" per hour.
Rachel: It's a good thing we haven't lost….(the power goes out) power.
Ross: I need help in here!
(cut to the bedroom)
Brad: I found some candles in the bathroom. How's she doing?
Jennifer: I'm just peachy honey. The power's out, I'm having a baby and I'm not at the friggin' hospital!
Brad: Well as long as you're doing ok.
Ross: Ok Jen, it's time to push again.
Jennifer: Are you just making this up as you go along?!
Ross: No, I'm following the directions. They're pretty simple actually.
Jennifer: Just get the beast out of me!
(the rest of the gang gathers in the room)
Joey: Whatever you do, don't make any comments about Jen's pubic hair. She really hates that.
Jenna: What were you doing look at her pubic hair?!
Ross: That's it Jen, push! Push!
Brad: You're doing great honey. Keep pushing!
Jennifer: I wanna go home!
Ross: You're almost done Jen. Ok, rest.
Monica: Wow, Ross really seems to know what he's doing.
Joey: Of course he does Monica, he's a doctor.
Rachel: Leave it be Mon, you'll only confuse him even more.
Ross: Ok, time to push again Jen. Ready?
Jennifer: I need a drink!
Joey: I've got some Jack Daniel's next door. I'll go get it.
Jennifer: Somebody take Joey outside and shoot him!
Ross: Push! Push!
Jennifer (pushing): I can’t do this! Just kill me now!
Ross: Stop pushing. The head's crowning. Chandler, give me the forceps.
Chandler: Here you go.
Ross: These are salad tongs.
Chandler: I'm sorry. Let me run to the medical supply store and get you the real thing!
Ross: Don't push Jennifer. Don't push until I tell you.
Rachel (to Monica): He really does sound like a doctor.
Joey: For Pete's sake! He is a doctor!
Ross: Ok Jen, one last big push. On three, one, two, three, push!
(Jennifer pushes for the final time. Then collapses in exhaustion into Brad's arms)
Chandler: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
Ross: Give me some towels. (Chandler hands him some towels. Ross wipes the blood off the baby.) Give me the soup baster.
Joey: There's soup? Why didn't anyone tell me there was soup?!
(Ross suctions the baby's mouth. The baby starts crying)
Ross: Scissors please.
Chandler: Here. Are you sure you wanna do that?
Ross: I've come this far. (clips the cord) Congratulations Jennifer and Brad, you have a baby girl. (hands Jennifer the baby)
Jennifer: My baby girl. Oh, come to Mommy.
Rachel: What are you gonna name her Jen?
Jennifer: What do you think Brad?
Brad: Well if was a boy I was gonna say Ross since he delivered the baby. What do you suggest Ross?
Ross: No, no, I really don't feel comfortable naming your child. I really think you guys should.
Jennifer: We both like Courteney. How about Courteney?
Brad: Courteney Rachel Pitt. I like that.
Joey: You should name the baby Courteney Pitt Rachel. Get it? Her initials would be CPR.
Jennifer: Do me a favor, never have children.
Jenna: It's too late for that.
Jennifer: You guys are expecting?
Jennifer: I'm sorry, I was just kidding around.
Jenna: Don't worry about it. You're not the first one to have that thought.
Monica (excited): So you're naming the baby Courteney?
Monica (pointing at Rachel and Jenna): I win! Pay up suckers!
Jennifer: You bet on what I'd name the baby?
Monica (weakly): Yeah.
Brad: Don't be mad at Monica honey, I won the bet with the guys.
Brad: I bet them that you'd have the baby here in the apartment.
Monica (to Chandler): What did I tell you about betting?!
Chandler: I could ask you the same thing!
(cut to four hours later. The ambulance has finally arrived. Jennifer is being taken to the hospital with her newborn. Power has been restored)
Paramedic: Who delivered the baby?
Ross: I did.
Paramedic: Excellent job. You should consider a career as a Paramedic.
Jennifer: Thanks so much Ross. I really appreciate it. And I'm really sorry that I called you a f^cking loser.
Ross: Don't worry about it. We'll come see you in the hospital.
Brad: Thanks again guys. You were great. Especially you Joey, we really appreciated you staying out of the way.
Joey: I do what I can.
Monica: Bye guys.
Phoebe: You owe me for a new bed.
Brad: King size ok?
Phoebe: Sure. Chandler's the only person I know who'd prefer a Queen.
Chandler: The gay jokes never end.
Joey: Don't worry about it dude, that's just your thing. Like how my thing is that I'm smooth with the ladies, you're just smooth with all things gay. Don't fight it, embrace it.
Chandler: Phoebe? Do you still have that gun in your underwear drawer?
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Jennifer and Brad are in their private room)
Jennifer: Turn on the news. I wanna see if they have anything more on the storm.
Brad: Ok. (turns on the TV)
Reporter: A miracle of sorts happened today in a Greenwich Village apartment. Actress Jennifer Aniston and her husband Brad Pitt welcomed their new baby girl to the world. Unable to get to the hospital due to weather conditions, Ms. Aniston's baby was delivered by a friend. Dr. Ross Geller, a Paleontology professor at Columbia University, successfully delivered the baby by utilizing instructions obtained via the WebMD website. We asked Dr. Geller for a comment on today's events but he declined to answer any questions at this time. Back to you in the studio.
News Anchor: That's Lisa Eiben reporting from Greenwich Village. In other news, actor Robert Downey Jr. was arrested in Hollywood, California for possession of an illegal substance. Mr. Downey…..
Jennifer: Looks like Rob fell off the wagon again.
Brad: How did the press find out that we had our baby today?
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey is on the phone)
Joey: Yes, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. They had their baby in my friend's apartment.