Written by:†† Ethan

††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Monica is present)


Phoebe (to Joey):So did you get your stuff back from Courteney?


Joey:Itís kinda hard when you canít find the person.


Phoebe:Did you check at the office?


Chandler:Wouldnít do him any good.


Ross:Why not?


Chandler:She quit.


Rachel:Did she say where she was going?


Chandler:She left me a message saying she was moving to Florida.


Rachel:There you go Joey, go to Florida.


Joey:Nah, Iíll just buy new stuff.


Phoebe:Oh! Oh! Oh!


Ross:Oh my God, sheís having an orgasm right in front of us!


Rachel:Whatís wrong Phoebe?


Phoebe:Nothing.Joey, let me buy you your furniture and stuff.


Joey:Fine by me.


Ross:Chandler, what time are you supposed to pick up Monica at the hospital?




Rachel:Itís 10:45.


Chandler:So?(pause)Oh my God, I forgot to pick up my wife!(Chandler runs out of the apartment)


Ross:Monicaís gonna kill him.


Rachel:Relax, itís only 9:45.


Phoebe (to Rachel):You are evil incarnate.




CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Chandler and Monica are present. Rachel is trying to hang a welcome home banner.Everyone else is sitting around)


Phoebe:You know the last time Monica and Chandler left us alone in their apartment we moved all of their stuff out.We should do that again.


Joey:That would be funny.


Ross:But highly inappropriate.


Phoebe: Leave it to Ross to spoil all the fun.


Rachel:Are you guys gonna help me with this banner or not?!


Joey:You need help?


Rachel:You think?


Ross:Let me do that sweetie.(takes the banner from Rachel)


Joey:Oh look, Weekend at Bernieís is on.


(Rachel goes and sits down on the couch)


Rachel:I love this movie!


Ross:Ah, Rach, could you help me please?


Rachel:Go help Ross Joey.


Joey:Why do I have to help him?Heís your husband.


Rachel:Because I said so.


Joey:That might work on Ross but itís not working on me.


Rachel:You do it now, or Iíll spill the beans about your secret fetish.


Joey:Thatíll work.(Joey gets up and goes to help Ross)


Ross (to Joey):Whatís this fetish?


Joey:I dunno, but I donít want Rach telling everyone.


MT SINAI HOSPITAL (Chandler has come to get Monica)


Chandler (entering Monicaís room):†† Hey sweetie!How you doing?


Monica:Ok I guess.


Chandler:Whatís wrong?


Monica:Nothing.(pause)I guess Iím just nervous to go back home.


Chandler:How come?


Monica:Because the last time I was there I was in agony and on the way to the hospital.


Chandler:Everythingís gonna be ok Mon.Everyoneís really excited to see you.


Monica (breaking down to tears):You donít get it do you!


Chandler:What donít I get?


Monica:I lost our baby.Everyoneís gonna think Iím a failure!


Chandler:Honey, honey, look at me.Mon, look at me.No one thinks youíre a failure.Everyone understands that what happen was not your fault.Everyone is behind you 100%.Theyíre just happy that youíre ok and youíre coming home.


Monica:Then why do I feel like a failure?




Monica:No, lie to me. Itís what you do best.


Chandler:I donít know why you feel like a failure but I understand why you do.


Monica:What the hell are you talking about?


Chandler:All Iím saying is that itís natural to feel like you failed.But Mon, youíre not a failure.This couldíve happened to anyone.It couldíve happened to Rachel or Phoebe.


Monica:But it didnít.It happened to me.


Chandler:Yes, it happened to you.It happened to us.But Dr. Newer said that in a few months we can try again.


Monica:But what if this happens again?


Chandler:Well what if it doesnít?Then you and I will have a baby Bing to raise in this wonderful world.


Monica (laughing):Ok, itís time to go, youíre starting to get corny on me.


Chandler:Are you gonna be ok?


Monica:Probably.Thanks for being there for me.


Chandler:Like the minister said, ďin sickness and in healthĒ.


Monica:You were paying attention!


Chandler:Yeah, but donít tell anyone.


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone is waiting for Monica and Chandler to arrive)


Ross:Where are they?They shouldíve been here by now.


Rachel:The movieís almost over.Hopefully they can hold out for ten minutes.††


Ross:Rachel!Thatís your sister-in-law whoís coming home and you want to watch the ending to a movie youíve seen 50 times!


Rachel:Shut up Ross, theyíre not here yet and the best part is coming up.


Joey:How did that actor play dead for the whole film?


Phoebe:He saw you act in one of your early plays and used that experience during the filming of the movie.


Joey:And they say Iím not a good actor.


Ross:No, just a dumb one.


(Chandler and Monica enter)


Chandler:Hey guys, look whoís home!




Monica:Hey.Thanks for being here.It means a lot to me, to us.


Joey:Hey Mon, Weekend at Bernieís is on.


Monica:Oh Iím sorry Rach, we shouldíve waited in the hall until it was over.


Rachel:Donít be silly, Iíve seen the movie 50 times.


Ross:Sure you tell her that, but if I ask you to do something you tell me not to bother you until the movieís over.


Rachel:Youíre not Monica.So Mon, how are you doing?


Monica:Iíve been better, but Iím ok.


Phoebe:We were gonna move your stuff out of the apartment again but Ross wouldnít let us.


Chandler:Thanks for not doing that Phoebe.


Monica:Although it wouldíve been pretty funny.


Phoebe:Thatís what Joey and I thought.But no, Dr. No Fun over there rained on our parade.

Ross:It wouldíve been inappropriate!


Joey:Man, I havenít heard you use that voice since the ďwe were on a breakĒ era.


Rachel:Eh, I hear that voice all the time.You should come over more often Joey.


Ross:Iím going home!


Rachel:Oh Ross, sit down and stop being a baby, weíre just kidding.


Ross (sitting down):We were on a break you know.


Rachel:Thatís it, no more baby making for you.(Everyone goes silent and looks at Monica)Oh Mon, Iím so sorry.I didnít mean to bring that up.


Monica:Itís ok.Someone was gonna mention it sooner or later and I know you and Ross have been trying for a baby.I really hope you guys get your wish.I donít mean to be a downer, but Iím really tired and need a nap.Iím gonna go lay down.Iíll see you guys later.


Joey:Pheebs, we should get shopping.


Phoebe:You buying lunch?(Joey shakes his head no)Oh sure, the millionaire has to buy lunch.††


Ross:Are you ready Rach?


Rachel:Yeah.Are we supposed to be doing something together?


Ross:We were gonna go to library remember?


Rachel:Now I know why I forgot. Bye Chandler.


Chandler:See you guys.


(Chandler goes into the bedroom to find Monica crying)


Monica:Youíre not supposed to see me like this!


Chandler:Oh, I didnít realize you were naked.


Monica:Thatís not what I meant!


Chandler:I was just trying to be funny.Mon, itís gonna be ok.Rachel just slipped.


Monica:Itís not that.I know she didnít mean anything by it.


Chandler:Then why are you crying?


Monica:I lost our baby you idiot!


Chandler:Come here.(takes Monica in his arms)Itís gonna be ok eventually, I promise.


NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Rachel and Ross are present.Rachel is bored to tears)


Rachel:Are you almost done?




Rachel:How long does it take to find a book on dinosaurs?


Ross:Donít rush me.


Rachel:Hereís one, read this.


Ross:Thatís a Barney book.


Rachel:Well itís about a dinosaur and itís aimed at your education level.


Ross:Why donít you go look for the latest In Style magazine or something.Youíre driving me nuts.


Rachel:Fine, but if you keep me here for another 30 minutes youíre not gonna have nuts to drive.


MELOíS PIZZA (Joey and Phoebe are eating lunch)


Phoebe:How you doin?


Joey:Not bad, how you doin?


Phoebe:I could use some Joey love.


Joey:I thought we werenít doing that anymore.


Phoebe:Weíre not.


Joey:Then whyÖ.


Phoebe:I could yearn for Joey love, thatís not against the rules.


Joey:I could fill your yearn.


Phoebe:Thatís not all you could fill. (pause)We havenít even gone shopping yet.Weíre supposed to do that first and then eat lunch.


Joey:Sorry, I was hungry.


Phoebe:You do realize itís only 11 am.


Joey:Yeah.I figured we could eat now and then you could go shopping.


Phoebe:Donít you mean we?


Joey:No.I have to go to the set.Youíre on your own.


Phoebe:So youíre saying I have carte blanche in decorating your apartment?


Joey:Whoís Carte Blanche?Is she hot?


Phoebe:No Joey she ugly as hell.Can I decorate your apartment any way I want?


Joey:Sure, just donít make it all girly and stuff.I gotta go.See ya later.Oh, and thanks for lunch. (kisses Phoebe on the lips)


Phoebe:Thatís against the rules Tribbiani!


NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross is looking for Rachel)


Ross (VO):She better not have left me here.Where is she?Oh cool, the new Dinosaur Monthly is out.Wait a minute, I have to find Rach.(sees Rachel at a table.Sheís fallen asleep)Rach, Rach, wake up!




Ross:You fell asleep.


Rachel:Now I know how you felt when you read my letter at the beach house.




Rachel:Does this look familiar?(holds up a bunch of binder paper)


Ross:What is that?


Rachel:Itís the letter I wrote you at the beach house.I canít believe you kept it.


Ross (defensive):Where did you find that?


Rachel:I found it this morning while you were in the shower.I was trying to make some room in your desk.I canít believe you kept it.


Ross:Well I sometimes used it as a sleeping aid if I couldnít sleep.Can we go now?


Rachel:Very funny.Why are you acting all weird?


Ross:Iím not acting weird.Iím just ready to go.






Rachel:Whatís bothering you?


Ross:Nothing.Can we go?


Rachel:No.We canít.Not until you tell me whatís bothering you?


Ross:Did you find anything else in that drawer?


Rachel:No.Just this.


Ross:Ok.Can we go?




Ross:Come on.Iím fine.


Rachel:Why are you turning all red?


Ross:Iím not turning all red.


Rachel:You look like youíre about to explode into Red Ross.


Ross:I just donít like people digging around in my stuff thatís all.


Rachel:I didnít mean to find it, I just did.And hey weíre married now, whatís yours is mine.


Ross:I donít go reading your diary.


Rachel:I donít have a diary for you to read.Whatís the big deal?Itís not like someone else wrote it.††


Ross:Then why did you take it out?


Rachel:Because I was touched that you kept it.Besides, it reminded me that I have something to tell you.


Ross:Youíre not gonna write another long letter again are you?


Rachel:Why donít we just drop it then.


Ross:What is it?


Rachel:I wanna do it right here in the library.


Ross:Youíre crazy.Weíll get caught.


Rachel:Follow me.


Ross:Oh babyÖ..wait, how does the letter remind you that you wanna do it in the library?


Rachel:Does it matter?


JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey is getting home from the set.He walks in to find Phoebe sitting on a couch waiting for him)


Joey:Hey Pheebs!


Phoebe:What the hell took you so long honey?


Joey:I kept forgetting my lines.Wow, this apartment looks great.




Joey:Wait a minute!This is all the stuff from your apartment!


Phoebe:I know!Doesnít it fit great!


Joey:You were supposed to buy new furniture.


Phoebe:I did.Itís at my place.


Joey:You were supposed to buy it for me!


Phoebe:No, you said I had carte blanche.


Joey:For Christ Sakes!Who is Carte Blanche?!


Phoebe:You told me I could do what I want!


Joey:Yeah, by buying me new furniture, not giving me yours!


Phoebe:Oh well.Wanna have sex?


Joey:No.I wanna see your apartment.(Joey leaves, Phoebe sits back down on the couch. Joey re-enters)I wanna see it now Buffay!


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler is on the phone.Monica is asleep in their bedroom)


Chandler:I donít know Mom. (pause) I donít know what to do.She keeps breaking down on me and I feel helpless.(pause)I tried that, but that only makes her cry harder.(pause) I am not gonna get her drunk Mom.(Monica emerges from the bedroom) Look, sheís up, I gotta go. Ok, Iíll talk to you later.


Monica:Who was that?


Chandler:It was your mom.


Monica:Since when did you start calling my mother ďmomĒ?


Chandler:It was her idea.How are you?




Chandler:Youíve slept most the day.Are you sure youíre not sleeping too much?


Monica (snappy):Iím just tired.††


Chandler:Hey, Iím just trying to help you!


Monica (breaking down in tears again):Donít yell at me!


Chandler (taking Monica in his arms, tears filling his eyes):Iím sorry.I just donít know how to help.


Monica:Are you crying?




Monica: Youíre doing better than you think you are.


NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross and Rachel are getting it on)


Rachel:Would you hurry up!


Ross:It wonít inflate!Maybe if you blow on it?


Rachel:This is not how this is supposed to happen!


Ross:Well pardon me for ruining your fantasy!


(a Security Guard approaches)


Security Guard:What are you guys doing?


Rachel:He lost his contacts and weíre looking for them.


Security Guard:And thatís why your panties are on the floor?


Rachel:He was doing some diving and they fell out.


Security Guard (to Ross):Donít you work here at the University?




Security Guard:What department?




Security Guard:Ah, that explains it.Your wife is looking for a special bone and your contact lenses. Well Iíll let you get back to your exploration.Oh, and make sure you use protection.


Ross:That was close.


Rachel:Not as close as I am. Hurry up!


PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe have come to look at Phoebeís new furniture)


Joey:Man, you went all out.Look at how big that TV is!Can you imagine what porn looks like on a screen that big!


Phoebe:Not bad eh?


Joey:You know that Iím living here now.


Phoebe:No youíre not!


Joey:Yes I am.


Phoebe:Ah, no youíre not.


Joey:You were supposed to buy me new furniture and stuff, not yourself.Your punishment is that you have to live in my apartment for a month.


Phoebe:With the chick and the duck?


Joey:Are you crazy?No way, the chick and the duck come with me.


Phoebe:Fine, but weíre not having sex anymore.


Joey:I thought we already established that rule.


Phoebe:Then you have to wear underwear for the whole month.


Joey:I donít own any underwear.


Phoebe:You do now.I bought you some when I went shopping.


Joey:Boxers or briefs?


Phoebe:Boxers.We wouldnít want to kill innocent swimmers.


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch)


Monica:This is nice.




Monica:This.This, the cuddling, itís nice.




(Phoebe enters)


Phoebe:Hey guys!




Monica:What are you doing here?Itís 9 oíclock.


Phoebe:Oh yeah, Joey and I switched apartments.


Chandler:Why exactly?


Phoebe:Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine.So my punishment is that I have to spend a month at Joeyís.


Monica:He obviously forgot that heís punishing us as well.


Phoebe:I see that your sense of humor is coming back.So how are you really doing?


Monica:Better thanks.


Chandler:Speaking of Joey, where is he?


Phoebe:I dunno.Why?


Chandler:Nothing, he was just gonna do something for me.


(Ross and Rachel enter)




Rachel:Whatís up guys?


Chandler:Nothing, just cuddling on the couch.


Rachel (to Ross):How come we never do that?


Ross:Because youíre always telling me to get away from you.


Rachel:Whatever.How are you Mon?


Monica:Better.Iím definitely feeling better.Did you know Phoebeís living across the hall at Joeyís for the next month?




Phoebe:Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine.


Rachel:Sounds like Joeyís punishing Chandler and Monica too.


Phoebe:Geez, everyoneís a comedian around here.


(Joey enters with flowers)


Joey:Hey, sorry Iím late.


Phoebe:Joey, you shouldnít have.(goes to take the flowers)


Joey:Donít worry, I didnít.(to Monica)These are for you.


Monica:Thanks Joey, thatís sweet of you.


Joey:Donít thank me, thank Chandler.


Monica:You did this?


Chandler:Read the card.


Monica:ďTo Monica, I love you more than life itself.Youíll always be me baby.Love always, ChandlerĒ.Oh sweetie, thank you so much.I love you.


Chandler:I love you too.


Joey:Now how about we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds have some time to themselves.


Ross:Good idea.Bye Guys.


Rachel:Lunch tomorrow Mon?




Phoebe:Can I come?


Rachel:Of course.Youíre buying.


Phoebe:Sticking it to the millionaire again.


Chandler:See you guys later.


(Everyone goes to leave)


Joey:Hey for anyone whoís interested, thereís a porn marathon going on at my place.Porn on a big screen TV, you canít beat it.


Phoebe:I think weíll let you beat it in private Joey.




ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are getting ready for bed)


Rachel:Have you seen my underwear?


Ross:Not since this afternoon.


Rachel:Oh my God, Iíve been walking around with no underwear on since we left the library.




Rachel:And liberating.Now I know why Joey goes commando all the time.


Ross:Good thing you werenít wearing a skirt or a dress.


Rachel:Thatís what makes it exciting.Imagine if I was?


Ross:The Lincoln Log just woke up.


Rachel:The wind blows and the log wakes up.Not that Iím complaining.Now what should I wear to bed?








(Rachel jumps into bed)


Rachel:My, thatís definitely not petrified wood Dr. Geller.


Ross:And itís ready to go into the flume.