THE ONE AFTER ALL THE HEARTACHE

 

Written by:†† Ethan

††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Monica is present)

 

Phoebe (to Joey):So did you get your stuff back from Courteney?

 

Joey:Itís kinda hard when you canít find the person.

 

Phoebe:Did you check at the office?

 

Chandler:Wouldnít do him any good.

 

Ross:Why not?

 

Chandler:She quit.

 

Rachel:Did she say where she was going?

 

Chandler:She left me a message saying she was moving to Florida.

 

Rachel:There you go Joey, go to Florida.

 

Joey:Nah, Iíll just buy new stuff.

 

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! Oh!

 

Ross:Oh my God, sheís having an orgasm right in front of us!

 

Rachel:Whatís wrong Phoebe?

 

Phoebe:Nothing.Joey, let me buy you your furniture and stuff.

 

Joey:Fine by me.

 

Ross:Chandler, what time are you supposed to pick up Monica at the hospital?

 

Chandler:10:30.Why?

 

Rachel:Itís 10:45.

 

Chandler:So?(pause)Oh my God, I forgot to pick up my wife!(Chandler runs out of the apartment)

 

Ross:Monicaís gonna kill him.

 

Rachel:Relax, itís only 9:45.

 

Phoebe (to Rachel):You are evil incarnate.

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Chandler and Monica are present. Rachel is trying to hang a welcome home banner.Everyone else is sitting around)

 

Phoebe:You know the last time Monica and Chandler left us alone in their apartment we moved all of their stuff out.We should do that again.

 

Joey:That would be funny.

 

Ross:But highly inappropriate.

 

Phoebe: Leave it to Ross to spoil all the fun.

 

Rachel:Are you guys gonna help me with this banner or not?!

 

Joey:You need help?

 

Rachel:You think?

 

Ross:Let me do that sweetie.(takes the banner from Rachel)

 

Joey:Oh look, Weekend at Bernieís is on.

 

(Rachel goes and sits down on the couch)

 

Rachel:I love this movie!

 

Ross:Ah, Rach, could you help me please?

 

Rachel:Go help Ross Joey.

 

Joey:Why do I have to help him?Heís your husband.

 

Rachel:Because I said so.

 

Joey:That might work on Ross but itís not working on me.

 

Rachel:You do it now, or Iíll spill the beans about your secret fetish.

 

Joey:Thatíll work.(Joey gets up and goes to help Ross)

 

Ross (to Joey):Whatís this fetish?

 

Joey:I dunno, but I donít want Rach telling everyone.

 

MT SINAI HOSPITAL (Chandler has come to get Monica)

 

Chandler (entering Monicaís room):†† Hey sweetie!How you doing?

 

Monica:Ok I guess.

 

Chandler:Whatís wrong?

 

Monica:Nothing.(pause)I guess Iím just nervous to go back home.

 

Chandler:How come?

 

Monica:Because the last time I was there I was in agony and on the way to the hospital.

 

Chandler:Everythingís gonna be ok Mon.Everyoneís really excited to see you.

 

Monica (breaking down to tears):You donít get it do you!

 

Chandler:What donít I get?

 

Monica:I lost our baby.Everyoneís gonna think Iím a failure!

 

Chandler:Honey, honey, look at me.Mon, look at me.No one thinks youíre a failure.Everyone understands that what happen was not your fault.Everyone is behind you 100%.Theyíre just happy that youíre ok and youíre coming home.

 

Monica:Then why do I feel like a failure?

 

Chandler:Honestly?

 

Monica:No, lie to me. Itís what you do best.

 

Chandler:I donít know why you feel like a failure but I understand why you do.

 

Monica:What the hell are you talking about?

 

Chandler:All Iím saying is that itís natural to feel like you failed.But Mon, youíre not a failure.This couldíve happened to anyone.It couldíve happened to Rachel or Phoebe.

 

Monica:But it didnít.It happened to me.

 

Chandler:Yes, it happened to you.It happened to us.But Dr. Newer said that in a few months we can try again.

 

Monica:But what if this happens again?

 

Chandler:Well what if it doesnít?Then you and I will have a baby Bing to raise in this wonderful world.

 

Monica (laughing):Ok, itís time to go, youíre starting to get corny on me.

 

Chandler:Are you gonna be ok?

 

Monica:Probably.Thanks for being there for me.

 

Chandler:Like the minister said, ďin sickness and in healthĒ.

 

Monica:You were paying attention!

 

Chandler:Yeah, but donít tell anyone.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone is waiting for Monica and Chandler to arrive)

 

Ross:Where are they?They shouldíve been here by now.

 

Rachel:The movieís almost over.Hopefully they can hold out for ten minutes.††

 

Ross:Rachel!Thatís your sister-in-law whoís coming home and you want to watch the ending to a movie youíve seen 50 times!

 

Rachel:Shut up Ross, theyíre not here yet and the best part is coming up.

 

Joey:How did that actor play dead for the whole film?

 

Phoebe:He saw you act in one of your early plays and used that experience during the filming of the movie.

 

Joey:And they say Iím not a good actor.

 

Ross:No, just a dumb one.

 

(Chandler and Monica enter)

 

Chandler:Hey guys, look whoís home!

 

Everyone:Monica!

 

Monica:Hey.Thanks for being here.It means a lot to me, to us.

 

Joey:Hey Mon, Weekend at Bernieís is on.

 

Monica:Oh Iím sorry Rach, we shouldíve waited in the hall until it was over.

 

Rachel:Donít be silly, Iíve seen the movie 50 times.

 

Ross:Sure you tell her that, but if I ask you to do something you tell me not to bother you until the movieís over.

 

Rachel:Youíre not Monica.So Mon, how are you doing?

 

Monica:Iíve been better, but Iím ok.

 

Phoebe:We were gonna move your stuff out of the apartment again but Ross wouldnít let us.

 

Chandler:Thanks for not doing that Phoebe.

 

Monica:Although it wouldíve been pretty funny.

 

Phoebe:Thatís what Joey and I thought.But no, Dr. No Fun over there rained on our parade.

Ross:It wouldíve been inappropriate!

 

Joey:Man, I havenít heard you use that voice since the ďwe were on a breakĒ era.

 

Rachel:Eh, I hear that voice all the time.You should come over more often Joey.

 

Ross:Iím going home!

 

Rachel:Oh Ross, sit down and stop being a baby, weíre just kidding.

 

Ross (sitting down):We were on a break you know.

 

Rachel:Thatís it, no more baby making for you.(Everyone goes silent and looks at Monica)Oh Mon, Iím so sorry.I didnít mean to bring that up.

 

Monica:Itís ok.Someone was gonna mention it sooner or later and I know you and Ross have been trying for a baby.I really hope you guys get your wish.I donít mean to be a downer, but Iím really tired and need a nap.Iím gonna go lay down.Iíll see you guys later.

 

Joey:Pheebs, we should get shopping.

 

Phoebe:You buying lunch?(Joey shakes his head no)Oh sure, the millionaire has to buy lunch.††

 

Ross:Are you ready Rach?

 

Rachel:Yeah.Are we supposed to be doing something together?

 

Ross:We were gonna go to library remember?

 

Rachel:Now I know why I forgot. Bye Chandler.

 

Chandler:See you guys.

 

(Chandler goes into the bedroom to find Monica crying)

 

Monica:Youíre not supposed to see me like this!

 

Chandler:Oh, I didnít realize you were naked.

 

Monica:Thatís not what I meant!

 

Chandler:I was just trying to be funny.Mon, itís gonna be ok.Rachel just slipped.

 

Monica:Itís not that.I know she didnít mean anything by it.

 

Chandler:Then why are you crying?

 

Monica:I lost our baby you idiot!

 

Chandler:Come here.(takes Monica in his arms)Itís gonna be ok eventually, I promise.

 

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Rachel and Ross are present.Rachel is bored to tears)

 

Rachel:Are you almost done?

 

Ross:No.

 

Rachel:How long does it take to find a book on dinosaurs?

 

Ross:Donít rush me.

 

Rachel:Hereís one, read this.

 

Ross:Thatís a Barney book.

 

Rachel:Well itís about a dinosaur and itís aimed at your education level.

 

Ross:Why donít you go look for the latest In Style magazine or something.Youíre driving me nuts.

 

Rachel:Fine, but if you keep me here for another 30 minutes youíre not gonna have nuts to drive.

 

MELOíS PIZZA (Joey and Phoebe are eating lunch)

 

Phoebe:How you doin?

 

Joey:Not bad, how you doin?

 

Phoebe:I could use some Joey love.

 

Joey:I thought we werenít doing that anymore.

 

Phoebe:Weíre not.

 

Joey:Then whyÖ.

 

Phoebe:I could yearn for Joey love, thatís not against the rules.

 

Joey:I could fill your yearn.

 

Phoebe:Thatís not all you could fill. (pause)We havenít even gone shopping yet.Weíre supposed to do that first and then eat lunch.

 

Joey:Sorry, I was hungry.

 

Phoebe:You do realize itís only 11 am.

 

Joey:Yeah.I figured we could eat now and then you could go shopping.

 

Phoebe:Donít you mean we?

 

Joey:No.I have to go to the set.Youíre on your own.

 

Phoebe:So youíre saying I have carte blanche in decorating your apartment?

 

Joey:Whoís Carte Blanche?Is she hot?

 

Phoebe:No Joey she ugly as hell.Can I decorate your apartment any way I want?

 

Joey:Sure, just donít make it all girly and stuff.I gotta go.See ya later.Oh, and thanks for lunch. (kisses Phoebe on the lips)

 

Phoebe:Thatís against the rules Tribbiani!

 

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross is looking for Rachel)

 

Ross (VO):She better not have left me here.Where is she?Oh cool, the new Dinosaur Monthly is out.Wait a minute, I have to find Rach.(sees Rachel at a table.Sheís fallen asleep)Rach, Rach, wake up!

 

Rachel:Huh?

 

Ross:You fell asleep.

 

Rachel:Now I know how you felt when you read my letter at the beach house.

 

Ross:Huh?

 

Rachel:Does this look familiar?(holds up a bunch of binder paper)

 

Ross:What is that?

 

Rachel:Itís the letter I wrote you at the beach house.I canít believe you kept it.

 

Ross (defensive):Where did you find that?

 

Rachel:I found it this morning while you were in the shower.I was trying to make some room in your desk.I canít believe you kept it.

 

Ross:Well I sometimes used it as a sleeping aid if I couldnít sleep.Can we go now?

 

Rachel:Very funny.Why are you acting all weird?

 

Ross:Iím not acting weird.Iím just ready to go.

 

Rachel:Ross.

 

Ross:What?

 

Rachel:Whatís bothering you?

 

Ross:Nothing.Can we go?

 

Rachel:No.We canít.Not until you tell me whatís bothering you?

 

Ross:Did you find anything else in that drawer?

 

Rachel:No.Just this.

 

Ross:Ok.Can we go?

 

Rachel:No.

 

Ross:Come on.Iím fine.

 

Rachel:Why are you turning all red?

 

Ross:Iím not turning all red.

 

Rachel:You look like youíre about to explode into Red Ross.

 

Ross:I just donít like people digging around in my stuff thatís all.

 

Rachel:I didnít mean to find it, I just did.And hey weíre married now, whatís yours is mine.

 

Ross:I donít go reading your diary.

 

Rachel:I donít have a diary for you to read.Whatís the big deal?Itís not like someone else wrote it.††

 

Ross:Then why did you take it out?

 

Rachel:Because I was touched that you kept it.Besides, it reminded me that I have something to tell you.

 

Ross:Youíre not gonna write another long letter again are you?

 

Rachel:Why donít we just drop it then.

 

Ross:What is it?

 

Rachel:I wanna do it right here in the library.

 

Ross:Youíre crazy.Weíll get caught.

 

Rachel:Follow me.

 

Ross:Oh babyÖ..wait, how does the letter remind you that you wanna do it in the library?

 

Rachel:Does it matter?

 

JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey is getting home from the set.He walks in to find Phoebe sitting on a couch waiting for him)

 

Joey:Hey Pheebs!

 

Phoebe:What the hell took you so long honey?

 

Joey:I kept forgetting my lines.Wow, this apartment looks great.

 

Phoebe:Thanks.

 

Joey:Wait a minute!This is all the stuff from your apartment!

 

Phoebe:I know!Doesnít it fit great!

 

Joey:You were supposed to buy new furniture.

 

Phoebe:I did.Itís at my place.

 

Joey:You were supposed to buy it for me!

 

Phoebe:No, you said I had carte blanche.

 

Joey:For Christ Sakes!Who is Carte Blanche?!

 

Phoebe:You told me I could do what I want!

 

Joey:Yeah, by buying me new furniture, not giving me yours!

 

Phoebe:Oh well.Wanna have sex?

 

Joey:No.I wanna see your apartment.(Joey leaves, Phoebe sits back down on the couch. Joey re-enters)I wanna see it now Buffay!

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler is on the phone.Monica is asleep in their bedroom)

 

Chandler:I donít know Mom. (pause) I donít know what to do.She keeps breaking down on me and I feel helpless.(pause)I tried that, but that only makes her cry harder.(pause) I am not gonna get her drunk Mom.(Monica emerges from the bedroom) Look, sheís up, I gotta go. Ok, Iíll talk to you later.

 

Monica:Who was that?

 

Chandler:It was your mom.

 

Monica:Since when did you start calling my mother ďmomĒ?

 

Chandler:It was her idea.How are you?

 

Monica:Tired.

 

Chandler:Youíve slept most the day.Are you sure youíre not sleeping too much?

 

Monica (snappy):Iím just tired.††

 

Chandler:Hey, Iím just trying to help you!

 

Monica (breaking down in tears again):Donít yell at me!

 

Chandler (taking Monica in his arms, tears filling his eyes):Iím sorry.I just donít know how to help.

 

Monica:Are you crying?

 

Chandler:Yes.

 

Monica: Youíre doing better than you think you are.

 

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross and Rachel are getting it on)

 

Rachel:Would you hurry up!

 

Ross:It wonít inflate!Maybe if you blow on it?

 

Rachel:This is not how this is supposed to happen!

 

Ross:Well pardon me for ruining your fantasy!

 

(a Security Guard approaches)

 

Security Guard:What are you guys doing?

 

Rachel:He lost his contacts and weíre looking for them.

 

Security Guard:And thatís why your panties are on the floor?

 

Rachel:He was doing some diving and they fell out.

 

Security Guard (to Ross):Donít you work here at the University?

 

Ross:Yeah.

 

Security Guard:What department?

 

Ross:Paleontology.

 

Security Guard:Ah, that explains it.Your wife is looking for a special bone and your contact lenses. Well Iíll let you get back to your exploration.Oh, and make sure you use protection.

 

Ross:That was close.

 

Rachel:Not as close as I am. Hurry up!

 

PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe have come to look at Phoebeís new furniture)

 

Joey:Man, you went all out.Look at how big that TV is!Can you imagine what porn looks like on a screen that big!

 

Phoebe:Not bad eh?

 

Joey:You know that Iím living here now.

 

Phoebe:No youíre not!

 

Joey:Yes I am.

 

Phoebe:Ah, no youíre not.

 

Joey:You were supposed to buy me new furniture and stuff, not yourself.Your punishment is that you have to live in my apartment for a month.

 

Phoebe:With the chick and the duck?

 

Joey:Are you crazy?No way, the chick and the duck come with me.

 

Phoebe:Fine, but weíre not having sex anymore.

 

Joey:I thought we already established that rule.

 

Phoebe:Then you have to wear underwear for the whole month.

 

Joey:I donít own any underwear.

 

Phoebe:You do now.I bought you some when I went shopping.

 

Joey:Boxers or briefs?

 

Phoebe:Boxers.We wouldnít want to kill innocent swimmers.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch)

 

Monica:This is nice.

 

Chandler:Huh?

 

Monica:This.This, the cuddling, itís nice.

 

Chandler:Definitely.

 

(Phoebe enters)

 

Phoebe:Hey guys!

 

Chandler/Monica:Hey.

 

Monica:What are you doing here?Itís 9 oíclock.

 

Phoebe:Oh yeah, Joey and I switched apartments.

 

Chandler:Why exactly?

 

Phoebe:Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine.So my punishment is that I have to spend a month at Joeyís.

 

Monica:He obviously forgot that heís punishing us as well.

 

Phoebe:I see that your sense of humor is coming back.So how are you really doing?

 

Monica:Better thanks.

 

Chandler:Speaking of Joey, where is he?

 

Phoebe:I dunno.Why?

 

Chandler:Nothing, he was just gonna do something for me.

 

(Ross and Rachel enter)

 

Ross:Hey.

 

Rachel:Whatís up guys?

 

Chandler:Nothing, just cuddling on the couch.

 

Rachel (to Ross):How come we never do that?

 

Ross:Because youíre always telling me to get away from you.

 

Rachel:Whatever.How are you Mon?

 

Monica:Better.Iím definitely feeling better.Did you know Phoebeís living across the hall at Joeyís for the next month?

 

Rachel:Really?Why?

 

Phoebe:Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine.

 

Rachel:Sounds like Joeyís punishing Chandler and Monica too.

 

Phoebe:Geez, everyoneís a comedian around here.

 

(Joey enters with flowers)

 

Joey:Hey, sorry Iím late.

 

Phoebe:Joey, you shouldnít have.(goes to take the flowers)

 

Joey:Donít worry, I didnít.(to Monica)These are for you.

 

Monica:Thanks Joey, thatís sweet of you.

 

Joey:Donít thank me, thank Chandler.

 

Monica:You did this?

 

Chandler:Read the card.

 

Monica:ďTo Monica, I love you more than life itself.Youíll always be me baby.Love always, ChandlerĒ.Oh sweetie, thank you so much.I love you.

 

Chandler:I love you too.

 

Joey:Now how about we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds have some time to themselves.

 

Ross:Good idea.Bye Guys.

 

Rachel:Lunch tomorrow Mon?

 

Monica:Sure.

 

Phoebe:Can I come?

 

Rachel:Of course.Youíre buying.

 

Phoebe:Sticking it to the millionaire again.

 

Chandler:See you guys later.

 

(Everyone goes to leave)

 

Joey:Hey for anyone whoís interested, thereís a porn marathon going on at my place.Porn on a big screen TV, you canít beat it.

 

Phoebe:I think weíll let you beat it in private Joey.

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are getting ready for bed)

 

Rachel:Have you seen my underwear?

 

Ross:Not since this afternoon.

 

Rachel:Oh my God, Iíve been walking around with no underwear on since we left the library.

 

Ross:Sexy.

 

Rachel:And liberating.Now I know why Joey goes commando all the time.

 

Ross:Good thing you werenít wearing a skirt or a dress.

 

Rachel:Thatís what makes it exciting.Imagine if I was?

 

Ross:The Lincoln Log just woke up.

 

Rachel:The wind blows and the log wakes up.Not that Iím complaining.Now what should I wear to bed?

 

Ross:Nothing.

 

Rachel:Again?

 

Ross:Again.

 

(Rachel jumps into bed)

 

Rachel:My, thatís definitely not petrified wood Dr. Geller.

 

Ross:And itís ready to go into the flume.

 

THE END††