THE ONE AFTER ALL THE HEARTACHE
Written by:†† Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Monica is present)
Phoebe (to Joey):† So did you get your stuff back from Courteney?
Joey:† Itís kinda hard when you canít find the person.†
Phoebe:† Did you check at the office?
Chandler:† Wouldnít do him any good.†
Ross:† Why not?
Chandler:† She quit.†
Rachel:† Did she say where she was going?
Chandler:† She left me a message saying she was moving to Florida.†
Rachel:† There you go Joey, go to Florida.†
Joey:† Nah, Iíll just buy new stuff.†
Phoebe:† Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross:† Oh my God, sheís having an orgasm right in front of us!
Rachel:† Whatís wrong Phoebe?
Phoebe:† Nothing.† Joey, let me buy you your furniture and stuff.†
Joey:† Fine by me.†
Ross:† Chandler, what time are you supposed to pick up Monica at the hospital?
Chandler:† 10:30.† Why?
Rachel:† Itís 10:45.†
Chandler:† So?† (pause)† Oh my God, I forgot to pick up my wife!† (Chandler runs out of the apartment)
Ross:† Monicaís gonna kill him.†
Rachel:† Relax, itís only 9:45.†
Phoebe (to Rachel):† You are evil incarnate.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Chandler and Monica are present. Rachel is trying to hang a welcome home banner.† Everyone else is sitting around)
Phoebe:† You know the last time Monica and Chandler left us alone in their apartment we moved all of their stuff out.† We should do that again.
Joey:† That would be funny.
Ross:† But highly inappropriate.
Phoebe: Leave it to Ross to spoil all the fun.†
Rachel:† Are you guys gonna help me with this banner or not?!
Joey:† You need help?
Rachel:† You think?
Ross:† Let me do that sweetie.† (takes the banner from Rachel)
Joey:† Oh look, Weekend at Bernieís is on.†
(Rachel goes and sits down on the couch)
Rachel:† I love this movie!
Ross:† Ah, Rach, could you help me please?
Rachel:† Go help Ross Joey.†
Joey:† Why do I have to help him?† Heís your husband.†
Rachel:† Because I said so.†
Joey:† That might work on Ross but itís not working on me.†
Rachel:† You do it now, or Iíll spill the beans about your secret fetish.†
Joey:† Thatíll work.† (Joey gets up and goes to help Ross)
Ross (to Joey):† Whatís this fetish?
Joey:† I dunno, but I donít want Rach telling everyone.†
MT SINAI HOSPITAL (Chandler has come to get Monica)
Chandler (entering Monicaís room):†† Hey sweetie!† How you doing?
Monica:† Ok I guess.†
Chandler:† Whatís wrong?
Monica:† Nothing.† (pause)† I guess Iím just nervous to go back home.†
Chandler:† How come?
Monica:† Because the last time I was there I was in agony and on the way to the hospital.†
Chandler:† Everythingís gonna be ok Mon.† Everyoneís really excited to see you.†
Monica (breaking down to tears):† You donít get it do you!
Chandler:† What donít I get?
Monica:† I lost our baby.† Everyoneís gonna think Iím a failure!
Chandler:† Honey, honey, look at me.† Mon, look at me.† No one thinks youíre a failure.† Everyone understands that what happen was not your fault.† Everyone is behind you 100%.† Theyíre just happy that youíre ok and youíre coming home.†
Monica:† Then why do I feel like a failure?
Monica:† No, lie to me. Itís what you do best.
Chandler:† I donít know why you feel like a failure but I understand why you do.
Monica:† What the hell are you talking about?
Chandler:† All Iím saying is that itís natural to feel like you failed.† But Mon, youíre not a failure.† This couldíve happened to anyone.† It couldíve happened to Rachel or Phoebe.
Monica:† But it didnít.† It happened to me.†
Chandler:† Yes, it happened to you.† It happened to us.† But Dr. Newer said that in a few months we can try again.†
Monica:† But what if this happens again?†
Chandler:† Well what if it doesnít?† Then you and I will have a baby Bing to raise in this wonderful world.†
Monica (laughing):† Ok, itís time to go, youíre starting to get corny on me.†
Chandler:† Are you gonna be ok?
Monica:† Probably.† Thanks for being there for me.†
Chandler:† Like the minister said, ďin sickness and in healthĒ.†
Monica:† You were paying attention!
Chandler:† Yeah, but donít tell anyone.†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone is waiting for Monica and Chandler to arrive)
Ross:† Where are they?† They shouldíve been here by now.†
Rachel:† The movieís almost over.† Hopefully they can hold out for ten minutes.††
Ross:† Rachel!† Thatís your sister-in-law whoís coming home and you want to watch the ending to a movie youíve seen 50 times!
Rachel:† Shut up Ross, theyíre not here yet and the best part is coming up.†
Joey:† How did that actor play dead for the whole film?
Phoebe:† He saw you act in one of your early plays and used that experience during the filming of the movie.
Joey:† And they say Iím not a good actor.
Ross:† No, just a dumb one.†
(Chandler and Monica enter)
Chandler:† Hey guys, look whoís home!
Monica:† Hey.† Thanks for being here.† It means a lot to me, to us.†
Joey:† Hey Mon, Weekend at Bernieís is on.†
Monica:† Oh Iím sorry Rach, we shouldíve waited in the hall until it was over.†
Rachel:† Donít be silly, Iíve seen the movie 50 times.†
Ross:† Sure you tell her that, but if I ask you to do something you tell me not to bother you until the movieís over.†
Rachel:† Youíre not Monica.† So Mon, how are you doing?
Monica:† Iíve been better, but Iím ok.†
Phoebe:† We were gonna move your stuff out of the apartment again but Ross wouldnít let us.†
Chandler:† Thanks for not doing that Phoebe.†
Monica:† Although it wouldíve been pretty funny.†
Phoebe:† Thatís what Joey and I thought.† But no, Dr. No Fun over there rained on our parade.†
Ross:† It wouldíve been inappropriate!†
Joey:† Man, I havenít heard you use that voice since the ďwe were on a breakĒ era.†
Rachel:† Eh, I hear that voice all the time.† You should come over more often Joey.†
Ross:† Iím going home!†
Rachel:† Oh Ross, sit down and stop being a baby, weíre just kidding.†
Ross (sitting down):† We were on a break you know.
Rachel:† Thatís it, no more baby making for you.† (Everyone goes silent and looks at Monica)† Oh Mon, Iím so sorry.† I didnít mean to bring that up.†
Monica:† Itís ok.† Someone was gonna mention it sooner or later and I know you and Ross have been trying for a baby.† I really hope you guys get your wish.† I donít mean to be a downer, but Iím really tired and need a nap.† Iím gonna go lay down.† Iíll see you guys later.†
Joey:† Pheebs, we should get shopping.†
Phoebe:† You buying lunch?† (Joey shakes his head no)† Oh sure, the millionaire has to buy lunch.††
Ross:† Are you ready Rach?
Rachel:† Yeah.† Are we supposed to be doing something together?
Ross:† We were gonna go to library remember?
Rachel:† Now I know why I forgot. Bye Chandler.†
Chandler:† See you guys.†
(Chandler goes into the bedroom to find Monica crying)
Monica:† Youíre not supposed to see me like this!
Chandler:† Oh, I didnít realize you were naked.
Monica:† Thatís not what I meant!
Chandler:† I was just trying to be funny.† Mon, itís gonna be ok.† Rachel just slipped.†
Monica:† Itís not that.† I know she didnít mean anything by it.†
Chandler:† Then why are you crying?
Monica:† I lost our baby you idiot!
Chandler:† Come here.† (takes Monica in his arms)† Itís gonna be ok eventually, I promise.†
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Rachel and Ross are present.† Rachel is bored to tears)
Rachel:† Are you almost done?
Rachel:† How long does it take to find a book on dinosaurs?
Ross:† Donít rush me.†
Rachel:† Hereís one, read this.†
Ross:† Thatís a Barney book.
Rachel:† Well itís about a dinosaur and itís aimed at your education level.†
Ross:† Why donít you go look for the latest In Style magazine or something.† Youíre driving me nuts.†
Rachel:† Fine, but if you keep me here for another 30 minutes youíre not gonna have nuts to drive.
MELOíS PIZZA (Joey and Phoebe are eating lunch)
Phoebe:† How you doin?
Joey:† Not bad, how you doin?
Phoebe:† I could use some Joey love.†
Joey:† I thought we werenít doing that anymore.†
Phoebe:† Weíre not.
Joey:† Then whyÖ.
Phoebe:† I could yearn for Joey love, thatís not against the rules.†
Joey:† I could fill your yearn.†
Phoebe:† Thatís not all you could fill. (pause)† We havenít even gone shopping yet.† Weíre supposed to do that first and then eat lunch.†
Joey:† Sorry, I was hungry.†
Phoebe:† You do realize itís only 11 am.†
Joey:† Yeah.† I figured we could eat now and then you could go shopping.†
Phoebe:† Donít you mean we?
Joey:† No.† I have to go to the set.† Youíre on your own.†
Phoebe:† So youíre saying I have carte blanche in decorating your apartment?
Joey:† Whoís Carte Blanche?† Is she hot?
Phoebe:† No Joey she ugly as hell.† Can I decorate your apartment any way I want?
Joey:† Sure, just donít make it all girly and stuff.† I gotta go.† See ya later.† Oh, and thanks for lunch. (kisses Phoebe on the lips)
Phoebe:† Thatís against the rules Tribbiani!
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross is looking for Rachel)
Ross (VO):† She better not have left me here.† Where is she?† Oh cool, the new Dinosaur Monthly is out.† Wait a minute, I have to find Rach.† (sees Rachel at a table.† Sheís fallen asleep)† Rach, Rach, wake up!
Ross:† You fell asleep.†
Rachel:† Now I know how you felt when you read my letter at the beach house.†
Rachel:† Does this look familiar?† (holds up a bunch of binder paper)
Ross:† What is that?
Rachel:† Itís the letter I wrote you at the beach house.† I canít believe you kept it.†
Ross (defensive):† Where did you find that?
Rachel:† I found it this morning while you were in the shower.† I was trying to make some room in your desk.† I canít believe you kept it.†
Ross:† Well I sometimes used it as a sleeping aid if I couldnít sleep.† Can we go now?
Rachel:† Very funny.† Why are you acting all weird?
Ross:† Iím not acting weird.† Iím just ready to go.†
Rachel:† Whatís bothering you?
Ross:† Nothing.† Can we go?
Rachel:† No.† We canít.† Not until you tell me whatís bothering you?
Ross:† Did you find anything else in that drawer?
Rachel:† No.† Just this.
Ross:† Ok.† Can we go?
Ross:† Come on.† Iím fine.†
Rachel:† Why are you turning all red?
Ross:† Iím not turning all red.†
Rachel:† You look like youíre about to explode into Red Ross.†
Ross:† I just donít like people digging around in my stuff thatís all.†
Rachel:† I didnít mean to find it, I just did.† And hey weíre married now, whatís yours is mine.†
Ross:† I donít go reading your diary.†
Rachel:† I donít have a diary for you to read.† Whatís the big deal?† Itís not like someone else wrote it.††
Ross:† Then why did you take it out?
Rachel:† Because I was touched that you kept it.† Besides, it reminded me that I have something to tell you.†
Ross:† Youíre not gonna write another long letter again are you?
Rachel:† Why donít we just drop it then.
Ross:† What is it?
Rachel:† I wanna do it right here in the library.†
Ross:† Youíre crazy.† Weíll get caught.†
Rachel:† Follow me.†
Ross:† Oh babyÖ..wait, how does the letter remind you that you wanna do it in the library?
Rachel:† Does it matter?
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey is getting home from the set.† He walks in to find Phoebe sitting on a couch waiting for him)
Joey:† Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe:† What the hell took you so long honey?
Joey:† I kept forgetting my lines.† Wow, this apartment looks great.
Joey:† Wait a minute!† This is all the stuff from your apartment!†
Phoebe:† I know!† Doesnít it fit great!
Joey:† You were supposed to buy new furniture.†
Phoebe:† I did.† Itís at my place.†
Joey:† You were supposed to buy it for me!
Phoebe:† No, you said I had carte blanche.†
Joey:† For Christ Sakes!† Who is Carte Blanche?!
Phoebe:† You told me I could do what I want!
Joey:† Yeah, by buying me new furniture, not giving me yours!
Phoebe:† Oh well.† Wanna have sex?
Joey:† No.† I wanna see your apartment.† (Joey leaves, Phoebe sits back down on the couch. Joey re-enters)† I wanna see it now Buffay!
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler is on the phone.† Monica is asleep in their bedroom)
Chandler:† I donít know Mom. (pause) I donít know what to do.† She keeps breaking down on me and I feel helpless.† (pause)† I tried that, but that only makes her cry harder.† (pause) I am not gonna get her drunk Mom.† (Monica emerges from the bedroom) Look, sheís up, I gotta go. Ok, Iíll talk to you later.†
Monica:† Who was that?
Chandler:† It was your mom.†
Monica:† Since when did you start calling my mother ďmomĒ?
Chandler:† It was her idea.† How are you?
Chandler:† Youíve slept most the day.† Are you sure youíre not sleeping too much?
Monica (snappy):† Iím just tired.††
Chandler:† Hey, Iím just trying to help you!†
Monica (breaking down in tears again):† Donít yell at me!
Chandler (taking Monica in his arms, tears filling his eyes):† Iím sorry.† I just donít know how to help.†
Monica:† Are you crying?
Monica: Youíre doing better than you think you are.
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross and Rachel are getting it on)
Rachel:† Would you hurry up!
Ross:† It wonít inflate!† Maybe if you blow on it?
Rachel:† This is not how this is supposed to happen!
Ross:† Well pardon me for ruining your fantasy!
(a Security Guard approaches)
Security Guard:† What are you guys doing?
Rachel:† He lost his contacts and weíre looking for them.
Security Guard:† And thatís why your panties are on the floor?
Rachel:† He was doing some diving and they fell out.†
Security Guard (to Ross):† Donít you work here at the University?
Security Guard:† What department?
Security Guard:† Ah, that explains it.† Your wife is looking for a special bone and your contact lenses. Well Iíll let you get back to your exploration.† Oh, and make sure you use protection.†
Ross:† That was close.
Rachel:† Not as close as I am. Hurry up!
PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe have come to look at Phoebeís new furniture)
Joey:† Man, you went all out.† Look at how big that TV is!† Can you imagine what porn looks like on a screen that big!
Phoebe:† Not bad eh?
Joey:† You know that Iím living here now.†
Phoebe:† No youíre not!
Joey:† Yes I am.†
Phoebe:† Ah, no youíre not.
Joey:† You were supposed to buy me new furniture and stuff, not yourself.† Your punishment is that you have to live in my apartment for a month.†
Phoebe:† With the chick and the duck?
Joey:† Are you crazy?† No way, the chick and the duck come with me.†
Phoebe:† Fine, but weíre not having sex anymore.†
Joey:† I thought we already established that rule.†
Phoebe:† Then you have to wear underwear for the whole month.
Joey:† I donít own any underwear.†
Phoebe:† You do now.† I bought you some when I went shopping.†
Joey:† Boxers or briefs?
Phoebe:† Boxers.† We wouldnít want to kill innocent swimmers.†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch)
Monica:† This is nice.
Monica:† This.† This, the cuddling, itís nice.†
Phoebe:† Hey guys!
Monica:† What are you doing here?† Itís 9 oíclock.†
Phoebe:† Oh yeah, Joey and I switched apartments.†
Chandler:† Why exactly?
Phoebe:† Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine.† So my punishment is that I have to spend a month at Joeyís.
Monica:† He obviously forgot that heís punishing us as well.†
Phoebe:† I see that your sense of humor is coming back.† So how are you really doing?
Monica:† Better thanks.†
Chandler:† Speaking of Joey, where is he?
Phoebe:† I dunno.† Why?
Chandler:† Nothing, he was just gonna do something for me.†
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Rachel:† Whatís up guys?
Chandler:† Nothing, just cuddling on the couch.†
Rachel (to Ross):† How come we never do that?
Ross:† Because youíre always telling me to get away from you.†
Rachel:† Whatever.† How are you Mon?
Monica:† Better.† Iím definitely feeling better.† Did you know Phoebeís living across the hall at Joeyís for the next month?
Rachel:† Really?† Why?
Phoebe:† Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine.†
Rachel:† Sounds like Joeyís punishing Chandler and Monica too.†
Phoebe:† Geez, everyoneís a comedian around here.†
(Joey enters with flowers)†
Joey:† Hey, sorry Iím late.†
Phoebe:† Joey, you shouldnít have.† (goes to take the flowers)
Joey:† Donít worry, I didnít.† (to Monica)† These are for you.†
Monica:† Thanks Joey, thatís sweet of you.†
Joey:† Donít thank me, thank Chandler.†
Monica:† You did this?
Chandler:† Read the card.†
Monica:† ďTo Monica, I love you more than life itself.† Youíll always be me baby.† Love always, ChandlerĒ.† Oh sweetie, thank you so much.† I love you.†
Chandler:† I love you too.†
Joey:† Now how about we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds have some time to themselves.†
Ross:† Good idea.† Bye Guys.†
Rachel:† Lunch tomorrow Mon?
Phoebe:† Can I come?
Rachel:† Of course.† Youíre buying.†
Phoebe:† Sticking it to the millionaire again.†
Chandler:† See you guys later.
(Everyone goes to leave)
Joey:† Hey for anyone whoís interested, thereís a porn marathon going on at my place.† Porn on a big screen TV, you canít beat it.†
Phoebe:† I think weíll let you beat it in private Joey.†
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are getting ready for bed)
Rachel:† Have you seen my underwear?
Ross:† Not since this afternoon.
Rachel:† Oh my God, Iíve been walking around with no underwear on since we left the library.†
Rachel:† And liberating.† Now I know why Joey goes commando all the time.
Ross:† Good thing you werenít wearing a skirt or a dress.†
Rachel:† Thatís what makes it exciting.† Imagine if I was?
Ross:† The Lincoln Log just woke up.†
Rachel:† The wind blows and the log wakes up.† Not that Iím complaining.† Now what should I wear to bed?
(Rachel jumps into bed)
Rachel:† My, thatís definitely not petrified wood Dr. Geller.†
Ross:† And itís ready to go into the flume.†