THE ONE AFTER THE SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT

 

Written by:†† Ethan

††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are present)

 

Chandler:Has anyone seen or heard from Joey?

 

Monica:Nope.

 

Phoebe:I still canít believe heís getting married.

 

Monica:I figured you be the next one to get married Phoebe.

 

Phoebe:You did?I donít even have a steady boyfriend.

 

Monica:Youíve done stranger things than that.

 

Phoebe:Like what?

 

Chandler:How Ďbout marrying a gay ice dancer?

 

Monica:Or moving in with Gary after four weeks of dating him?

 

Phoebe:So?

 

Monica:So I figured a cute guy would walk in here one day and a week later youíd be getting married.

 

Chandler:Sounds plausible to me.

 

(A cute guy enters)

 

Monica:Phoebe?

 

Phoebe:Shut up.Thereís my future husband.(Phoebe gets up and goes to talk to him)

 

Monica (to Chandler):I call maid of honor.

 

Chandler:Donít worry, I wasnít about to call it.

 

Monica:Iíd figure Iíd be safe, your father wears dresses after all.†††

 

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before Ė Phoebe returns)

 

Monica:Well?

 

Phoebe:Letís just say that he plays for the other team.

 

Chandler:Thatís never stopped you before.

 

Monica:Yeah Pheebs, you almost converted Duncan.

 

Phoebe:One conversion in a lifetime is all Iím good for.

 

Chandler:When do Ross and Rachel get back from Jamaica?

 

Phoebe:Do we really care?

 

Monica:Phoebe, theyíre friends, donít talk about them that way.

 

Phoebe:Iím sorry.I just canít believe that I spent all that money on their stupid wedding and they didnít thank me.

 

Chandler: Ah Pheebs, they did thank you.You donít remember?They gave you special thanks right before they left the reception.

 

Phoebe:Was that before or after I passed out?

 

Monica:Before.

 

Phoebe:Then itís still their fault that I donít remember.

 

(Joey and Courteney enter)

 

Joey:Hey, whatís up?

 

Chandler:Where have you been?

 

Joey:Having sex with your mother.Where else would I be?

 

Phoebe:Where was Courteney?

 

Joey:She was there too.She was manning the video camera.

 

Monica:Sounds exciting.Can I come next time?

 

Chandler (upset):Stop talking about my mother that way!

 

Courteney:Weíre just kidding boss, Joey and I were picking out wedding rings.Do you want some coffee Joey?

 

Joey:Yeah. But make it a latte.

 

(Courteney goes to get the coffee)

 

Monica:So Joe, taking the big step to the ultimate commitment.Iím so proud of you.

 

Joey (to Chandler):What the hell is she talking about?

 

Chandler:Marriage.

 

Joey:Yeah about that, is there like a rescission period for something like that?

 

Monica:What?

 

Phoebe (to Monica)He wants to know if he can still back out.

 

Monica:I got that.Joey, you donít want to marry Courteney?

 

Joey:I dunno.

 

Chandler:Then why did you ask her?

 

Joey:Caught up in the moment?

 

Chandler:Dude, youíve done some stupid stuff, but this one tops the cake.You canít back out now, Courteneyíll be crushed.

 

Monica:Heís right Joey, youíre relationship with Courteney will be over.Do you really want that?

 

Chandler:Oh my God, she said I was right.Did anybody get that on tape?(Monica glares at Chandler)

 

Joey:I really like her, I just donít think Iím ready for marriage.

 

Chandler:And I was?†† (Monica glares at Chandler again)What are you looking at?I followed through didnít I?

 

Phoebe:Weíre gonna have to talk about this later.Here comes Courteney.

 

Courteney:Here you go honey.

 

Joey:Thanks Court.

 

Courteney:Did Brad and Jennifer leave?

 

Monica:They left this morning.They stopped by and said goodbye and said they knocked on Joeyís door but no one answered.

 

Courteney:We must have been in the shower.

 

Chandler:Both of you?

 

Joey:Donít worry, we didnít leave your mother out.She was there too.

 

MONTEEGO BAY, JAMAICA (Ross and Rachel are lounging by the pool)

 

Ross:Can we go back to the room now?

 

Rachel:No.

 

Ross:But I wanna show you something.

 

Rachel:If itís what I think it is, I have seen it four times already today.

 

Ross:But itís our honeymoon.Thatís what is expected.

 

Rachel:Look, I can barely walk as it is.If you want to have sex again on our honeymoon, you have to let my soreness go away.

 

(It starts to rain heavily.Ross and Rachel get up from their seats and head for cover)

 

Ross:You know, I checked the weather in Aruba this morning and you know what it said?

 

Rachel:I donít care.

 

Ross:Well Iím gonna tell you anyway.It was going to be sunny, 90 degrees with a wind out of the south.

 

Rachel:Youíre a geek.

 

Ross:I told you we shouldíve gone to Aruba.††

 

Rachel:If you say that one more time, Iím gonna buy you a one-way ticket to Aruba.

 

Ross:I betcha it wonít rain in Aruba this week, unlike Jamaica where itís rained everyday that weíve been here.††

 

Rachel:How would you know?This is the first day weíve left the hotel room.

 

Ross:I looked out the window during intermission.

 

Rachel:You looked out the window?You told me you were ordering room service.

 

Ross:I was ordering room service, while I looked out the window.

 

Hotel Manager (VO):Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to advise you that the Weather Service has posted a hurricane watch for the island for the next three days.It appears that we will be on the southern end of the storm, but there is a possibility that the island could be hit head on by Hurricane Emily.

 

Rachel:I knew that bitch would get her revenge somehow.

 

Ross:Huh?

 

Rachel:They named the hurricane Emily.You know, youíre ex-wife who tried to ruin our wedding.It figures that the hurricane would be named after her.

 

Ross:They couldíve just as well named it Hurricane Gunther.Anyway, we wouldnít be having this discussion if we had gone to Aruba.

 

Rachel:Thatís it. Consider the tunnel of love closed.(Rachel walks away)

 

Ross (chasing after Rachel):What did I do?(Rachel just looks at Ross)Come on, I was only kidding, re-open the tunnel of love.Rach?Rachel?I love you!(looks at the other guests)We just got married.

 

Male Guest:Get used to it, itís all down hill from here.†††

 

JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Monica and Joey are present)

 

Monica:Joey, you canít back out now.Be strong.Follow through.Getting married to Chandler is the best thing I ever did.

 

Joey:You obviously havenít heard Chandlerís side of the story.(Monica gives him a miffed look)That was probably something I should have kept between Chandler and I.Anyway, look, I really do love Courteney, but Iím just not ready for marriage.Itís too big of a step too soon.I should have never opened my mouth.Itís just that we were at the wedding and I saw how happy Ross and Rachel were and it just slipped.

 

Monica:Joey, Chandler wasnít ready for marriage either. Apparently heís not ready yet despite the fact that he is already married.But come on, itís the next step in your relationship.You either step up to the plate and hit the homerun or strikeout.

 

Joey:Ok, you had me until you started talking about baseball.

 

Monica:Iím just trying to tell you not to be afraid.You can do this.Donít throw your relationship with Courteney away because youíre afraid to fail.

 

Joey:Monica, I just canít do it.Long-term relationships and me donít go together.Itís like peanut butter and jelly, the two just donít mix.

 

Monica:Ah Joey, peanut butter and jelly do mix.†† Thatís why they call a P&J sandwich.

 

Joey:Is that what that stands for?

 

Monica:Ok, just promise me you wonít do anything about this until you think everything through.

 

Joey:Think what through?

 

Monica:Whether or not you wanna marry Courteney.

 

Joey:Right.I knew that.Sorry, all this talk about baseball and sandwiches has me hungry again.

 

CHANDLERíS WORK (Chandler is working in his office, he calls Courteney on the intercom)

 

Chandler:Courteney could I see you for a minute?

 

Courteney:Iíll be right there.

 

(Courteney enters)

 

Chandler:Take a seat.

 

Courteney:Why are you being so serious?

 

Chandler:Because Iíve got some bad news.

 

Courteney:What is it?

 

Chandler:Did you finish those reports I asked you for?

 

Courteney:No, Iím still working on them.Why?

 

Chandler:They were due on my desk two days ago.What have you been doing?

 

Courteney (weakly):Looking at wedding dresses on-line.

 

Chandler:Well thanks to you I just got my head handed to me on a silver platter by my boss.Thankfully, crap rolls down hill.

 

Courteney:What are you saying?

 

Chandler:I have to fire you.

 

Courteney:What?!

 

Chandler:I needed those reports for a meeting with upper management and I made a total fool out myself in the meeting this morning.You missed another deadline and I canít cover for your mistakes anymore.I have to let you go.Your last day is Friday, Iím sorry but I donít have any other options.

 

Courteney:Youíre firing me?

 

Chandler:Yes.Look I donít like this either, but someone has to take the fall.

 

Courteney:Why didnít you tell me how important those reports were?I wouldíve done them right away.

 

Chandler:I did tell you that they were important and I also told you that I needed them two days ago.

 

Courteney:But you didnít ask for them yesterday.††

 

Chandler:It doesnít matter.Itís over.

 

Courteney:And I lose my job, thanks a lot.I thought you cared about me and thought of me as a friend.

 

Chandler:I do care and I think of you as a friend.But this is business and when things donít get done, somebody usually pays with their job.

 

Courteney:Well thanks a lot.Iím going home, unless of course youíre gonna fire me for that.See you around.

 

CENTRAL PERK†† (Phoebe, Joey and Courteney are present)

 

Joey:He fired you?Iím gonna kick his ass!

 

Courteney:Donít get involved Joey, itís my problem.

 

Phoebe:Then Iíll kick his ass!

 

Courteney:Come on guys just drop it.I made my bed and Iíll sleep in it.

 

Joey:Ah, you didnít make the bed this morning.

 

Courteney:I know.

 

Joey:Then why did you say you did?

 

Phoebe:Itís a metaphor Joey, a metaphor.

 

Joey:A what?

 

Phoebe:Never mind.

 

(Chandler enters)

 

Chandler:Hey.

 

Joey:Youíve got some nerve showing your face around here.

 

Chandler:Stay out of it Joey, you donít know the whole story.

 

Phoebe:What is the full story Chandler?

 

Chandler:I canít you tell you Phoebe, itís between Courteney and I.What happens at work stays at work.

 

Courteney:Well Iíve gotta go.Iíll see you guys later.

 

Joey:Where are you going?

 

Courteney:Wherever Chandler isnít.

 

Joey (to Chandler):Way to go man.Way to go.

 

(Joey and Courteney leave)

 

Chandler (to Phoebe):Go ahead, let me have it.††

 

Phoebe:Whyíd you fire her?

 

Chandler:My boss made me do it.

 

Phoebe:Isnít it convenient when we can blame someone else.

 

Chandler:Itís not that easy Phoebe, I was in really hot water.It was either me or her and it wasnít my fault that she didnít finish those reports that I asked her to.

 

Phoebe:You didnít fight for her job?

 

Chandler:What da ya mean?

 

Phoebe:Geez, youíre as dumb as Joey.Did you try and save her job?Did you ask your boss to give her one more chance?

 

Chandler:What do you think?

 

Phoebe:I donít think you did.I think you caved to his demands.You rolled over like a dog.

Well?

 

Chandler:Ok, so I acted like a dog.But you wouldíve done the same thing if you were in my shoes.

 

Phoebe:Remind me never to count on you if weíre in a perilous situation.

 

Chandler:So you are saying I should volunteered myself to get fired?

 

Phoebe:No, Iím saying you shouldíve fought for Courteney.Sheís been through a lot in the past few months and sheís been a good support for you at work.According to Courteney, your employees actually like you now.

 

Chandler:Iíll be back.

 

Phoebe:Where are you going?

 

Chandler:I just have something to do.If you see Monica, tell her Iíll be home late.

 

(Chandler leaves)

 

Phoebe:I should get a job, I really miss getting fired.

 

CHANDLERíS WORK (Chandler enters his bossí office)

 

Bill:Chandler, burning the midnight oil?

 

Chandler:No sir, I need to talk to you about something.

 

Bill:Can it wait until tomorrow?

 

Chandler:Ok.Iíll see you in the morning.

 

Bill:Oh, by the way, did you fire Ms. Cox?

 

Chandler:Thatís what I wanted to talk to you about.

 

Bill:You didnít fire her?

 

Chandler:No, I did.

 

Bill:Good.For a minute there I thought youíd be stupid enough not to follow my orders.

 

Chandler:About that sir, I think we made a mistake.I donít think we should have fired Courteney.

 

Bill:Whoís Courteney?

 

Chandler:Iím sorry, I donít think we should have fired Ms. Cox.Look sir, Ms. Cox is a fine employee who made a mistake.We should give her another chance.

 

Bill:I wish I could do that, but in my division, youíre not allowed to screw up as bad as she did.

 

Chandler:Ok.But look, it was partially my fault that she didnít get those reports finished.I didnít supervise her well enough.

 

Bill:So are you saying I should fire you?

 

Chandler:WellÖ..

 

Bill:Well?

 

Chandler:Yes, if you have to fire someone, fire me.

 

(long pause)

 

Bill:Give Ms. Cox her job back tomorrow morning.

 

Chandler:What about my job?

 

Bill:Donít worry, Iím not gonna fire you.It takes a lot for an employee to share the blame.That doesnít happen a lot around here.Actually, this corporation is full of a bunch of ass kissers who would jump off a building if I told them to do it.We need to keep supervisors who are willing to share the blame and risk losing their jobs over it.†† Now Iím going home to my wife who should be dressed in a scantily clad negligee by now, unless of course you want to continue wasting my time.

 

Chandler:No sir.Iíll see you tomorrow.†††† (Chandler turns to leave)

 

Bill:Chandler?

 

Chandler:Yeah sir?

 

Bill:If you screw up again, Iíll have your ass.

 

Chandler:Right sir.Goodnight.

 

JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Courteney are present)

 

Joey:How you doin?

 

Courteney:Iím alright.I just donít know what Iím gonna do.

 

Joey:You could be my personal assistant.What da ya think?

 

Courteney:It wouldnít be good for our relationship.

 

Joey:How about my personal sex slave?

 

Courteney (laughing):You mean you have other sex slaves besides me?

 

Joey:Only Chandlerís mom.Can I ask you something?

 

Courteney:Sure.What?

 

Joey:Do you promise not to get upset?

 

Courteney:As long as you donít tell me that you donít wanna marry me anymore.

 

Joey:Oh.Forget about it.

 

Courteney:Oh my God!You donít wanna marry me anymore do you?

 

Joey:Sure I do!

 

Courteney:†† Joey, tell me the truth.Do you still want to marry me?

 

Joey:I donít know.I feel really confused.Do you wanna marry me?

 

Courteney:Yes I do.But I wonít if youíre not 100% convinced that you wanna marry me.Well?

 

Joey:Can we sleep on it?

 

Courteney:No, we canít.

 

MONTEEGO BAY, JAMAICA (Ross and Rachel are lying in bed Ė itís still raining)

 

Ross:Are you still not talking to me?(Rachel doesnít answer him)Look, Iím sorry I made the crack about the rain.Hey Iíve got an idea, letís go swimming.

 

Rachel:Thereís a hurricane lurking outside and you want to go swimming?Are you insane?

 

Ross:Insanely in love.

 

Rachel:Can we go skinny dipping?

 

Ross:Probably, I bet weíll have to pool to ourselves.

 

Rachel:Letís go.

 

(Ross and Rachel rush out of the hotel room)

 

(cut to the pool a little later- Ross and Rachel are swimming and playing with each other in the middle of a hurricane)

 

Ross (shouting):Isnít this fun?!

 

Rachel (shouting):What?!

 

Ross:Isnít this fun?!

 

Rachel:This is absolutely crazy!

 

Ross:I told you Emily would never bring us down!

 

Rachel:I love you!

 

Ross:This sure beats Aruba!

 

JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Continued from before)

 

Joey:Do you wanna get a pizza?

 

Courteney:No, I want you to answer my question.

 

Joey:Yeah ok.What was it again?

 

Courteney:Forget it Joey.Iím leaving.

 

Joey:Courteney donít go!

 

Courteney:What?

 

Joey:I love you.

 

Courteney:At this point Joey, thatís not enough anymore.

 

Joey:And I want to marry you.

 

Courteney:Are you sure?

 

Joey:Are you sure that the three blind mice were really blind?

 

Courteney:Huh?

 

Joey:That not a metaphor?Forget about it.I wanna marry you.Youíre the one for me.

 

(Courteney rushes into Joeyís arms as Chandler enters)

 

Courteney:You are gonna get so lucky tonight!

 

Joey (to Chandler):What are you doing here?

 

Chandler:I came to talk to Courteney.

 

Courteney:Well this isnít the best time.Weíll see you later.

 

Chandler:Fine.Just make sure I see you at work tomorrow at 8:30 am.

 

Courteney:Why would I be at work early when youíve already fired me?

 

Chandler:Because I went to Bill and got you your job back if you want it.

 

Courteney:Well thatís nice, but I donít need your charity.

 

Chandler:Ok.But if you do want it back, Iíll see you tomorrow.(Chandler goes to leave)

 

Courteney:Wait a minute.Youíre serious?You got me my job back?How?

 

Chandler:I told Bill that if was partially my fault and that if he had to fire someone, it had to be me.

 

Courteney:You really did that?

 

Joey:I think so.

 

Courteney:Shut up Joey!

 

Joey:Here we go again with people telling me to shut up.

 

Courteney:I canít believe this.You fell on a sword for me?

 

Chandler:Yeah, it was the least I could do.You just reminded me that itís my job to protect my employees if I can.So Iíll see you tomorrow?

 

Courteney:Yes, Iíll see you tomorrow.†† (Courteney gives Chandler a hug)

 

Joey:Sorry to interrupt, but ah Chandler, where did you get stabbed and shouldnít you be at the emergency room?

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica and Chandler are in bed)

 

Monica:Let me get this straight.First you fired Courteney, and then you got her job back?

 

Chandler:Yeah, am I great or what?

 

Monica:Youíre an idiot.Why didnít you just take the fall the first time?

 

Chandler:Ok, so Iím not great.I was scared.How would I supply clothing and shelter for our baby?

 

Monica (shocked):You know?I mean what baby?

 

Chandler:Mon, I found the test this morning.

 

Monica: And youíre not freaked?

 

Chandler:Totally freaked.But totally happy.

 

Monica:We canít tell anyone for a few weeks ok.

 

Chandler:Tell them about what?

 

Monica:The baby.

 

Chandler:What baby?

 

Monica:Right.What baby?

 

Chandler:Congratulations.

 

Monica:I love you.

 

Chandler:If itís a boy, can we name him Bada?

 

Monica:Bada?

 

Chandler:You know, Bada Bing.

 

THE END

 

††