THE ONE WITH THE ANNIVERSARY

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Chandler and Monica are present)

Ross: So will you guys do it?

Monica: Of course we will.

Chandler: Ah, do I get a say in this at all?

Monica: As a matter of fact, you donít.

Chandler: But itís my apartment too!

Monica: So? I lived there first.

Chandler: But this is something that effects the both of us!

Monica: Sheís a baby. Sheíll hardly affect you at all.

Chandler: Please, all the changing and crying and feeding, sheíll disrupt my daily routine.

Monica: You better add playing with yourself to your routine then.

Chandler: Yeah, weíll do it.

Monica (to Ross): See, you threaten to withhold sex, and heíll do anything I ask him too.

Ross: Yes, Iíve learned that thatís a womanís secret weapon. Want your man to do something, threaten to withhold whoopee and heíll cave in five minutes.

OPENING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed)

Rachel: Why are you being so quiet?

Ross: Iím just tired.

Rachel: Whatís going on?

Ross: Nothingís going on.

Rachel: Ok. Donít tell me.

Ross: Thereís nothing to tell Rach.

Rachel: Fine. Goodnight.

Ross: Wanna have sex?

Rachel: No.

Ross: But itís the night before our first wedding anniversary.

Rachel: So?

Ross: Well donít you think we should celebrate? We made it through our first year together.

Rachel: Donít count your chickens just yet, the year isnít here yet. Goodnight.

Ross: Fine, goodnight.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are in bed)

Monica: Could you get off me for a second?

Chandler: But you promised me sex tonight!

Monica: Well unless you want me to throw up in your mouth, Iíd get off of me! (Monica gets out of bed and sprints to the bathroom)

Chandler: If that wonít kill the mood, I donít know what will. (Chandler goes to Monica) Are you ok sweetie?

Monica: Do I look ok?

Chandler: Honestly, no. You look like hell. I guess we better call Ross and tell him that we canít watch Caitlin this week.

Monica: No! Iíll be fine. I just shouldnít have eaten that pepperoni pizza for dinner.

Chandler: Honey, youíve got the flu or something. Youíre gonna get the baby sick.

Monica: I donít have the flu.

Chandler: You just threw up. How do you know you donít have the flu?

Monica: Because Iím pregnant.

(Chandler faints and falls to the floor)

JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are watching TV)

Joey: What the hell was that?

Phoebe: What was what?

Joey: That noise. You didnít hear it?

Phoebe: I thought that was just you passing gas.

Joey: No, right after that. It sounded like a huge gorilla hit the floor at Monica and Chandlerís.

Phoebe: Monica must have just told Chandler that sheís pregnant. (Joey, who has stood up, now faints and crashes to the floor) What is it with these men? You mention the word pregnant and they act like theyíve just walked in on their parents having sex or something.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica is trying to awaken Chandler)

Monica: Chandler? Chandler, are you ok? (pause) Chandler, wake up! (goes to get a glass of water) This outta do it. (throws the water on Chandler)

Chandler: What? What happened? Am I back in Kansas Toto?

Monica: You just fainted honey. Are you ok?

Chandler: Yeah, though I hit my head. I was standing here and all of the sudden my life flashed before my eyes. Funny thing, right before I crashed, I thought I heard you say that you were pregnant.

Monica: I am pregnant Chandler. (Chandler faints again) Ok, this is ridiculous.

(Phoebe and Joey enter)

Phoebe: You told him.

Monica: Twice and he fainted both times.

Phoebe: Yeah, Joey just fainted once.

Joey: I did not faint! I merely had a momentary lapse of consciousness!

Phoebe: Iím pregnant Joey. (Joey faints again) This is kinda fun! Should we just leave them there?

Monica: As much as Iíd love too, no. Go get some water.

Phoebe: But Iím not thirsty.

Monica: Itís for them Phoebe!

Phoebe: But there out cold.

Monica: Weíre gonna throw it on them to wake them up.

Phoebe: Oh. Wouldnít be just as easy to pee on them?

Monica: Phoebe! Thatís gross!

Phoebe: Fine, Iíll get the water. (pause) Here you go.

(Phoebe and Monica throw the water on Chandler and Joey)

Joey (coming to): Christ Phoebe, how many times do I have to tell you that I donít like it when you pee on me!

Chandler: What? What happened? Am I in heaven?

Monica: You just fainted again sweetie.

Joey: What happened to me?

Phoebe: Not much. You just passed out.

Joey: Youíre, youíre, youíre notÖ..

Phoebe: No, IĎm not.

Chandler (to Monica): But you, you, youíreÖ.

Monica: Yes sweetie, I am.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Joey (to Phoebe): What? What is she? Whatís going on?

Phoebe: Monicaís pregnant.

Joey: Oh yeah, I already knew that. Itís a good thing Iím still lying down though.

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (The next morning. Rachel is still sleeping. Chandler and Monica have come for Caitlin)

Monica: Have you told her yet?

Ross: No, she has no idea. The limo should be here in fifteen minutes.

Monica: Donít you think you should wake her?

Ross: Not while you guys are still here.

Chandler: Oh, we have some news.

Ross: Really? Whatís up?

Monica: Iím pregnant.

Ross: Wow! Congratulations guys!

Chandler: Look at that, he didnít even faint.

Ross: You fainted?

Monica: Twice. Joey fainted too.

Ross: Why did Joey faint?

Monica: The second timeÖ.

Ross: He fainted twice?

Monica: Yeah, I donít know why he fainted the first time, but he the second time he fainted because Phoebe told him that she was pregnant too.

(Rachel emerges from the bedroom)

Rachel: Hey guys. Whatís all the jubilation about and where are you taking my baby?!

Ross: Monicaís pregnant Rach!

Rachel (with no reaction): And where is she taking my child?

Monica: Weíre watching her while you and Ross are in Bermuda this week.

Rachel: Iím not going to Bermuda.

Ross: Yes you are honey. The limo will be here in fifteen minutes.

Rachel: Do you have sh%t in your ears? I said IĎm not going anywhere.

Chandler: Come on Rach, a week in the sun in a romantic place, you canít beat it.

Rachel: Then you go. Iím staying here.

Ross: Go ahead Mon, Iíll take care of Rachel.

Monica: Have a good trip guys.

Rachel: I swear to God, if you leave with my child Iíll call the police so fast on your ass!

Ross: Go.

Chandler: But I really donít want to go to jail again.

Ross: Go.

(Chandler and Monica leave)

Rachel: Whereís the phone?

Ross: You better go get dressed.

Rachel: Weíre not going anywhere!

Ross: Am I gonna have to drag you to Bermuda?

Rachel: You bet your ass! You donít go and plan a trip and not tell me!

Ross: But it was a surprise for our anniversary!

Rachel: Itís our anniversary?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Thatís, thatís today?

Ross: Yeah sweetie, itís today.

Rachel: And Chandler and Monica are watching Caitlin for the week?

Ross: Yes.

Rachel: And weíre really going to Bermuda?

Ross: Yes sweetie. Our bags are packed and the limoís gonna be here in ten minutes.

Rachel: And you didnĎt tell me anything about this?

Ross: No, but Iím sensing that I should have.

Rachel (after a long pause): Happy anniversary sweetie. I love you!

Ross (relieved): I love you too! (pause) You really arenít a morning person are you?

JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Joey are present)

Joey: So are you excited that youíre gonna be a father?

Chandler: Iím absolutely terrified. I mean I knew it was a possibility that Mon could get pregnant if we had sex without birth control, but I figured it take a couple of months, not days.

Joey: When did you stop using birth control?

Chandler: Two weeks ago.

Joey: Wow that is fast.

Chandler: And now sheís pregnant. I know nothing about being a father. I donít know what Iím gonna do.

Joey: Well you could always call your Dad. He knows.

Chandler: Iím not calling my Dad. Heís the last person Iíd call. I donít want my child to grow up to become a gay man in drag.

Joey: What about your mother?

Chandler: Not much better there either. The kid would turn into a trashy romance novelist who accidentally married a gay man. Any other suggestions?

Joey: Nope. (pause) Maybe you should talk to Phoebe?

Chandler: Phoebeís Dadís a deadbeat and her mother killed herself.

Joey: Whatís your point? My wife is a wonderful person. A little weird, but wonderful nonetheless. (pause) I take it back, donít talk to Phoebe.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: When do you go to the Doctorís?

Monica: This afternoon.

Phoebe: Is Chandler going with you?

Monica: I havenít seen Chandler since this morning. I mentioned it to him and all he said was "have fun".

Phoebe: So heís already started acting weird about the whole thing.

Monica: Yeah. I hope heís not like this for the whole pregnancy. Iím gonna need his support.

Phoebe: You want me to talk to him?

Monica: If you want. But I donít know what you could say to him to make this any easier for him. Man, why did I have to marry a man who has screwed up parents?

Phoebe: Donít feel bad, you couldíve married me. I really didnít have any parents at all. My Dadís a deadbeat and my mother killed herself. And then, twenty-nine years later I find out that my mother really wasnít my mother after all.

Monica: How have you never been on Oprah?

Phoebe: Not for the lack of trying. They just didnít believe me when I told them my story.

BERMUDA (Ross and Rachel are on the beach)

Rachel: I hope Caitlinís ok.

Ross: Sheís fine, sheís with my sister. Monicaís always wanted a baby and now she gets to play Mom for a week.

Rachel: But what if she lets Chandler watch her?

Ross: Then sheíll be screwed up for life.

Rachel: Thatís not even funny.

Ross: Rach, youíve got to relax. Weíre here to have fun. Youíre not gonna have fun if you keeping worrying about Caitlin. Come on, letís go in the water.

Rachel: I think Iím gonna go call Monica.

Ross: No, youíre coming in the water with me.

Rachel: ButÖ..

Ross: I promise, weíll call Monica later to check in. Now letís go in the water.

Rachel: What? Are you afraid to swim by yourself?

Ross: No, I just have something to show you.

Rachel: Well canít you just show me here?

Ross: Not without getting arrested.

Rachel: Are you gonna give the fishies a show?

Ross: Weíre gonna give the fishies a show.

Rachel: But what about all the people on the beach?

Ross: They can watch too if they want.

Rachel: I donít want people to see me naked!

Ross: Weíre gonna be in the water, they wonít be able to see anything. The only thing that might happen is that the fishies could bust out in laughter when they see us naked.

Rachel: Oh, well I have a fabulous body, the only thing the fishies will be laughing at is your incredibly small peepee!

Ross: I donít have a small penis!

Rachel (laughing): Way to go Ross, now the entire beach thinks you have a small penis.

JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Joey are present)

Joey: You know what I was thinking?

Chandler: I didnít know you actually had thoughts.

Joey: Oh, I have thoughts. Deep thoughts.

Chandler: What were you thinking Joe?

Joey: That you shouldíve used a condom.

Chandler: It took you a half-hour to come up with that gem?

Joey: Yeah thatís pretty fast huh?

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hello boys. Mamaís home.

Joey: Come to Papa!

Phoebe: Not now Joey. Go and see Monica.

Joey: I donít want to. All she ever does is follow me with a broom and dustpan when Iím over there.

Phoebe: Well I have to talk to Chandler for a minute. Now leave or Iíll squeeze your balls so tight your eyeballs will pop out of your head.

Joey: Fifteen minutes long enough?

Phoebe: Thatís great. Bye Joey.

(Joey leaves)

Chandler: Do youíre eyeballs really pop out?

Phoebe: Stand up and letís see.

Chandler: I think Iíll stay seated.

Phoebe: Are you going with Monica to the Doctorís?

Chandler: She sent you over here didnít she?

Phoebe: No, she just mentioned that she was going to the Doctorís and wasnít sure if you were going or not.

Chandler: Well Iím not going. (Phoebe hits Joey in the head) Ow! What was that for?!

Phoebe: You need to re-think your answer. Are you going with Monica to the Doctorís office?

Chandler: No! I already told you that! (Phoebe slaps Chandler in the face) What in the hell are you doing?!

Phoebe: Itís called Phoebe therapy.

Chandler: Well knock it off!

Phoebe: Are you gonna go with Monica?

Chandler: Are you gonna keep hitting me if I say no?

Phoebe: Bet your ass.

Chandler: Fine, Iíll go.

Phoebe: See, youíre cured. Youíre not afraid of Monicaís pregnancy anymore.

Chandler: Maybe not, but youíre scaring the hell out of me.

BERMUDA Ė (Ross and Rachel are their room)

Ross (emerging from the bathroom): Are you ready to go yet?

Rachel: No. I have to call Monica.

Ross: I thought we agreed that youíd wait until after dinner.

Rachel: Well Iím changing that ruling. Whatís Monicaís number?

Ross: I donít know.

Rachel: What do you mean Ross (emerging from the bathroom): Are you ready to go yet?

Rachel: No. I have to call Monica.

Ross: I thought we agreed that youíd wait until after dinner.

Rachel: Well Iím changing that ruling. Whatís Monicaís number?

Ross: I donít know.

Rachel: What do you mean you donít know?

Ross: Just that, I donít know. Sheís on our speed dial. Why donít you remember? You lived there after all.

Rachel: Well did I ever call myself when I lived there Mr. Small Penis?

Ross: Ok, if you continue to insult my equipment, Iím not gonna let you play with it anymore.

Rachel: Thereís not much to play with so I guess I wonít be missing much.

Ross: That does it! Iím not sleeping with you for the rest of the vacation!

Rachel: Oh honey, Iím only teasing. You know I love it when you slip your male in my mail slot. Come on, whatís Monicaís number?

Ross: I really donít know.

Rachel: How are we supposed to check in our child if we donít know the babysitterís phone number?

Ross: Good point. Just call information.

Rachel: Wait, maybe they have a phone book or something.

Ross: Thereís a bright idea. A Bermudian phone book would have New York City phone numbers in it.

Rachel: Oh, youíre right. Sorry I had a Joey moment. Iíll just call information.

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Phoebe and Caitlin are present)

Joey: Whereís Chandler and Monica?

Phoebe: They went to the Doctorís. Why do you think we have the baby with us?

Joey: Good point. Wait a minute, Chandler went with Monica? Whatíd you do? Threaten to cut off his manhood?

Phoebe: No, I just used Phoebe therapy on him.

Joey: Poor bastard, he probably didnít know what hit him.

BERMUDA Ė (Rachel is calling Monica)

Rachel: Damn, I got the machine again.

Ross: Theyíre probably out for a walk or something. Letís go eat and you can call when we get back.

Rachel: Hold on. Hey Monica, itís Rachel and Ross. Weíre just checking in and hoping everythingís going ok with Caitlin. Give us a call. Our number here at the hotel is 441-555-3029, room 312. Talk to you later.

Ross: Ok, that was the exact message you left on their machine ten minutes ago.

Rachel: I just wanna be sure that they got our message.

Ross: Can we go now?

Rachel: Maybe I should call Phoebe. Maybe she knows where theyíre at.

Ross: Letís go Rach. Iím hungry and the buffetís closing in ten minutes.

Rachel: Arenít you the least bit concerned that Chandler and Monica couldíve forgotten that they are watching our child?

Ross: Actually, no. Theyíre both responsible adults.

Rachel: Youíre telling me that you think Chandlerís a responsible adult?

Ross: Ok, maybe Chandler isnít, but Monica is. Now letís go.

Rachel: Youíre probably right. Letís go eat.

Ross: Thank you. (Ross leaves the room)

Rachel: I just have to put on my shoes and Iíll be right down. Go get us a table. (Rachel rushes over to the phone and dials Monicaís number again)

DOCTORíS OFFICE (Monica and Chandler are in the room waiting for the Doctor)

Monica: Thanks for coming honey.

Chandler: Donít thank me, thank Phoebe. She nearly beat the crap out of me.

Monica: Well thatís not very hard to do.

Chandler: Iíll see you later.

Monica: Honey, Iím kidding. If you werenít a man we wouldnít be here today.

Chandler: Well you couldíve been sleeping with the mailman.

Monica: The mailmanís gay.

Chandler: I forgot about that.

(The Doctor enters)

Doctor: Hello, you must be Chandler and Monica Bing. Iím Doctor Chelsea Kaczmarek.

Chandler: Thatís us.

Monica: Um, excuse me, but whereís Dr. Newer?

Dr. Kaczmarek: Dr. Newerís on sabbatical. She took a yearís leave. Apparently she met some woman that she fell head over heels in love with.

Chandler: Woman?

Dr. Kaczmarek: Yes, Dr. Newerís a lesbian.

Chandler: No wonder why Ross was afraid of Dr. Newer.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Excuse me?

Chandler: Nothing. So do you know the woman she ran off with?

Dr. Kaczmarek: I think her name was Susan Bunch.

Monica: Oh my God! We totally know her!

Dr. Kaczmarek: Really?

Monica: Susanís my brotherís ex-wife ex-lesbian partner. Good for her, Dr. Newerís a fine catch.

Dr. Kaczmarek: I should say so. They went to live in Bermuda for a year. Well letís do you sonogram.

Chandler: Is there where you stick that thing up her, well you know, her vagina.

Dr. Kaczmarek: No, this is where we take a picture of the fetus through Monicaís bellGood for her, Dr. Newerís a fine catch.

Dr. Kaczmarek: I should say so. They went to live in Bermuda for a year. Well letís do you sonogram.

Chandler: Is there where you stick that thing up her, well you know, her vagina.

Dr. Kaczmarek: No, this is where we take a picture of the fetus through Monicaís belly.

Chandler: I totally knew that. I was just checking to see if you knew what you were doing.

Monica (to Chandler): I knew I shouldíve left you at home.

BERMUDA (Rachel is still trying to get through to Monica)

Rachel: Pick up the damn phone!

(Ross enters)

Ross: Rachel!

Rachel: Hey honey. Iím almost ready.

Ross: Donít worry about it, I ate by myself.

Rachel: You didnít bring me anything back?

Ross: What do you think?

Rachel: Theyíre still not home. Iíve been calling every two minutes for the past ten minutes, and no oneís home. Something happened. Something happened to Caitlin.

Ross: One, Iíve been gone an hour and two, nothingís wrong with Caitlin. They know how to get a hold of us. Now hang up the damn phone and take a walk with me on the beach.

Rachel: I just have to get through.

Ross: Rachel! Relax, everythingís fine. Letís go for a walk and I guarantee you that there will be a call from Monica when we get back to the room.

Rachel: And what if thereís no call?

Ross: Then weíll hop on the next flight to New York.

Rachel: Donít you think thatís a little drastic?

Ross: I canít win with you! Do you wanna just cut the vacation short?

Rachel: No, I love being here with you.

Ross: Then letís go for a walk on the god damn beach!

Rachel: Iím overreacting again arenít I?

Ross: Just a little. Look sweetie, I know itís hard to be away from your child. I went through that with Ben. But Iíll tell you this, Caitlin wonít hold it against us. She wonít remember that we went to Bermuda and left her with a neat freak and a closeted gay man.

Rachel: Iím totally sorry. I promise I wonít freak out anymore.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)

Phoebe: Monica and Chandler should be back any minute now.

Joey: Wanna have sex?

Phoebe: No.

Joey: Why not?

Phoebe: Because we donít live here.

Joey: We could go to our place.

Phoebe: Weíre watching the baby. We canít just go have sex.

Joey: We could put the baby in the guest room. Interested?

Phoebe: You know for being a stupid man, you sometimes have some great ideas. Of course, all of your great ideas surround sex, but hey, youíve got to be good at something.

(Chandler and Monica enter)

Chandler: Hey guys.

Phoebe: The babyís in the guest room sleeping. Joey and I have to go.

Monica: Time for sex?

Joey: Yeah baby!

(Joey and Phoebe leave)

Chandler: Did you check the messages?

Monica: Did you just see me walk in here with you?

Chandler: Sorry. Iíll do it. (Chandler hits the button on the machine)

Answering Machine: You have 53 new messages.

Monica: Did that thing just say we have 53 new messages?

Chandler: I think so.

Machine: Message #1 - Hey Monica, itís Rachel and Ross. Weíre just checking in and hoping everythingís going ok with Caitlin. Give us a call. Our number here at the hotel is 441-555-3029, room 312. Talk to you later.

Monica: Rachelís probably just checking in.

(ten minutes later)

Machine: Message #53: Hi Monica. Itís Rachel again. Give us a call. Talk to you soon.

Chandler: Do you realize that every single one of those messages was from Rachel?

Monica: Sheís just freaking out. She must have thought something was wrong since we werenít home. Iíll call her right now.

Chandler: Youíre not gonna do that when our baby comes are you?

Monica: No. I might be a little wacky, but not obsessive.

Chandler: Oops, I spilled milk on the floor.

Monica: Chandler! Clean that up immediately!

Chandler: Yeah, youíre not obsessive at all.

BERMUDA Ė (Ross and Rachel have returned from their walk. They stop by the reception desk to check for messages)

Rachel: Hi. Are there any messages for Ross or Rachel Geller?

Receptionist: Yes. A Mrs. Monica Bing called. Hereís the message.

Ross: I told you everythingís ok.

Rachel (reading the message): Hi Rachel. Caitlinís doing great and Chandler is getting a lot of practice being a Dad. See you on Saturday. Monica. (to Ross) I guess you were right. Thereís nothing to worry about.

Ross: Rach?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: I love the fact that you care so much to call fifty-three times to check on Monica.

Rachel: How do you know I called that many times?

Ross: ĎCause they just handed me our phone bill.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Joey are present)

Chandler: So when are you and Phoebe gonna start having children?

Joey: Dude, my marriage is a sham, you know that.

Chandler: Are you have unprotected sex?

Joey: Hello no, I always wear a raincoat.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey guys. Can I talk to you for a minute Joey?

Joey (standing up): Sure. Whatís up?

Phoebe: Iím pregnant.

(Joey faints and falls to the floor)

Phoebe (to Chandler): This is so much fun!

Chandler: Youíre not really pregnant?

Phoebe: Hell no, our marriage is a sham. But I got him to faint in public this time.