Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present. Caitlin's down for her nap)
Rachel: Do you still have that list of celebrities that you're allowed to sleep with?
Rachel: The list. You know that list of celebrities you made when we were together the first time. The same list that you left Isabella Rosselini off of only to meet her at Central Perk.
Ross: I threw it away. Why?
Rachel: You actually threw it away?
Ross: Yeah. That was childish stuff.
Rachel: Since when are you an adult?
Ross: Why are you bringing this up?
Rachel: I was thinking of making a list of my own.
Ross: Really? And who would be on this list, Brad?
Rachel: No, I already banged Brad.
Ross: Right. Who'd you put on your list?
Rachel: Just off the top of my head I'd have to go with Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, David Duchvony, and Tate Donovan.
Ross: Who the hell is Tate Donovan?
Rachel: It was Jennifer's boyfriend before she met Brad.
Ross: And you'd sleep with Jennifer's ex-boyfriend?
Rachel: Right. Forget Tate Donovan. It'd have to be David Schwimmer.
Ross: David Schwimmer? That guy is a total wuss.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Continued from before)
Rachel: Who would you put on your list? And please don't tell me Dorothy Hamill.
Ross: What's the matter with Dorothy Hamill?
Rachel: She's so 1970's.
Ross: A period of sexual liberation.
Rachel: That was 1969 you idiot.
Ross: Fine. I'd have Winona Ryder, Rebecca Romjin-Stamos, Kelly Preston, Nicole Kidman and Julie Bowen.
Rachel: Nicole Kidman? You already went out with Nicole Kidman.
Ross: Yes, but I turned her down when she offered to sleep with me.
Rachel: She didn't offer to sleep with you.
Ross: That's what you think.
Rachel: Stop having delusions of grandeur Ross. Who's Julie Bowen?
Ross: You know that TV show Ed?
Ross: She plays Carol Vescey on Ed.
Rachel: She really is hot. Maybe I should add her to my list.
Ross: But she's a woman!
Rachel: Do you think I care?
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: Where's Michael?
Monica: My Dad took him to the Hershey Chocolate Factory.
Chandler: And Monica's extremely bummed that I didnt let her go.
Monica: I am not!
Chandler: It's for your own safety Monica. We can't afford for you to have to go out and buy new clothes.
Chandler: You honestly think they'd be able to get Monica out of the factory after she got in? You know how chocolate effects her.
Phoebe: Oh that reminds me, I got some of your mail at my place.
Monica: How does chocolate remind you of our mail?
Phoebe: Well that's what's gonna be in your shorts after you see what I got in the mail for you.
Chandler: Then keep the mail. We have plenty of mail at home.
Phoebe: Ok. But the IRS will be at your place later today.
Phoebe: Oh, was I not supposed to open your mail?
Chandler: Later on today?! And you're just telling us now?!
Phoebe: Hey, you're lucky that I remembered to tell you.
Joey: Damn it Phoebe! You were supposed to meet me out front at 10:00!
Phoebe: It's only 9:50.
Chandler: What's going on Joe?
Joey: I have to go to court.
Monica: Got arrested for indecent exposure again?
Joey: No. I learned my lesson the first time. I got a speeding ticket in Phoebe's Viper and I have to go to court to fight the ticket.
Chandler: Then why is Phoebe going with you?
Joey: Because there wasn't proof of ownership for the car in the car when I got pulled over. The officer thought I'd stolen the car. She didn't believe me when I said I had borrowed the car from a friend.
Monica: Let me get this straight. You got pulled over by a female cop and your charming ways had no effect on her?
Joey: Yeah, thanks for pointing that out. Have a fun time at your audit today. Let's go Phoebe.
(Joey and Phoebe go to leave)
Monica: Wait a minute Phoebe! You said that you had forgot that you had mail for us! How in the hell does Joey know that we're being audited today?!
Phoebe: Duh! He knows because three weeks ago when the mail came he was in my apartment. Subsequently I forgot to tell you. It's all quite simple. See ya later!
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin and Bethanne, the babysitter are present)
Rachel: Now I have my cell phone with me. If Caitlin gives you any trouble at all, just call me and we'll come right home.
Bethanne: We'll be fine Mrs. Geller.
Ross: Can we go now? Excuse me wife Bethanne, she's overly protective of our daughter.
Rachel: And you aren't?
Ross: Not until she starts to date. (the phone rings, Ross answers it) Hello? (pause) Who? (pause) Of course I remember you! How are you? How's the show going? (pause) Cool. (pause) You are? (pause) Can you come over for dinner? (pause) Great! We'll see you tonight.
Rachel: Who's, who's, ah, who's coming over for dinner?
Rachel: I'm not having that little conniving bitch over for dinner! It's bad enough that you have to work with her!
Ross: Not that Julie. Julie Bowen.
Rachel: The, the, the one from your list? That Julie Bowen?
Rachel: Bethanne, could you excuse us for a minute?
Bethanne: Yeah. Ah, where should I go?
Rachel: Just get out of here!
Ross: Bethanne, wait for us in the hall. (Bethanne leaves) What's the matter with you?
Rachel: What are you doing inviting Julie Bowen over for dinner?!
Ross: Well .
Rachel: Wait! How in the hell do you know her in the first place?!
Ross: Well .
Rachel: Would you hurry up and answer my question?!
Ross: I met Julie on the plane back from Los Angeles when I went to consult on Jurassic Park III. We sat next to each other in first class.
Rachel: Is she married?
Rachel: Does she know that you're married?
Ross: Yes. I told her all about you.
Rachel: Does she know that she's on your list?
Rachel: The list! The list that you made this morning!
Ross: Well it would be kind of hard for her to know if I just made that list this morning. Look, if you're not cool with having her over for dinner, I'll just call her back and un-invite her.
Rachel: You know her number?!
Ross: Would you relax? She just gave me her cell phone number in case something came up. Rach, that list was just a fantasy game, I really don't want to have sex with Julie Bowen. I'm in love with you.
Rachel: You're totally right. I'm sorry. She can come for dinner.
Rachel: But you have to take her off your list!
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler, and Michael are present. Michael's down for a nap)
Monica: Did you find our tax return yet?!
Chandler: I found the fake one.
Monica: The fake one?
Chandler: The one that shows that we made less money then we really did.
Monica: Where's the real one?
Chandler: I don't know.
Monica: Didn't you mail it off to the IRS?
Chandler: I sent in the fake one.
Monica: We cheated on our taxes?!
Chandler: Define cheat.
(there's a knock at the door)
Chandler: That's the auditor. Just calm down and let me do all the talking, ok?
Monica: You'd better get us out of this!
(Chandler opens the door - it's the IRS auditor)
Auditor: Hi, I'm Rich Nozensos of the Internal Revenue Service. Are you Mr. & Mrs. Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Yes. Come on in.
Monica: Can I get you some coffee?
Rich: Actually, do you have any beer?
Chandler: Get the man a beer!
Monica: Here you go.
Rich: The reason I'm here today is your file was flagged for an audit. This does not mean that the IRS thinks an inaccurate return was file, it just means that your file happened to be selected. You see the IRS audits 3% of taxpayers returns each year.
Chandler: So you here to audit our return from this year.
Rich: No, I am here to audit your return from 2000.
Monica: But we weren't married in 2000.
Rich: I'm aware of that. Did you not get our notice Mrs. Bing? I'm here to audit your 2000 return.
Chandler: So I'm off the hook?
Monica: You're only here to audit me?! I'm the most honest taxpayer there is!
Rich: Then this shouldn't be painful at all. (finishing his beer) Could I get another one of these?
Chandler: I'll get it.
Rich: If you could give me your 2000 tax records Monica, we can get started.
Monica: I'll, I'll be right back. Chandler, could you help me get my records out?
Chandler: But I was gonna get Rich his beer.
Chandler: We'll be right back.
(Chandler and Monica go into the master bedroom)
Monica: You've got to help me!
Monica: Because I lied on my 2000 tax return!
Chandler: But, but you just said that you're the most honest taxpayer that there is!
Monica: I lied!
Chandler: You've been doing a lot of that lately.
Monica: Well I do live with the biggest liar on the planet.
NEW YORK CITY TRAFFIC COURT (Joey and Phoebe are present)
Judge: Next is docket #2654, Mr. Joseph F. Tribbiani. Mr. Tribbiani, please approach the bench.
Phoebe: Joey! Wake up! The judge wants to see you!
Joey (startled): Huh? What?
Phoebe: The judge wants to see you.
Joey: But Jenna is at home.
Judge: Mr. Tribbiani, if you're in court, please approach the bench.
(Joey approaches the bench)
Joey: Sorry your honor, my girlfriend kept me up late last night.
Judge: How do you plead?
Joey: To what?
Judge: How do you plead? Guilty, innocent or no contest?
Joey: Ok. (pause) I still don't know what I'm pleading to.
Judge: Mr. Tribbiani, you were cited for traveling 74 mph in a 45 mph zone and for failing to have proof of ownership at the time of your traffic stop. You requested a court date. It's the court's impression that you want to fight your ticket. Does this ring any bells to you?
Phoebe (from the back of the courtroom): You were going 74 mph in my car?! I'm gonna kill you!
Joey: Your honor, the defendant wishes to be placed in the witness protection program.
Judge: Who is that?
Joey: The owner of the car that I was driving at the time of my traffic stop. She's here to prove that she owns the car so I can get that violation stripped from my record.
Judge: Mr. Tribbiani, it doesn't matter that she can prove that she owns the car now.
Joey: So I have to pay the fine because she didn't have the registration in the car?
Joey (to Phoebe): Now I'm gonna kill you!
Phoebe: Not if I kill you first!
Judge: There will be no more making death threats in my courtroom! Do you both understand?
Joey: Yes your honor.
Judge: Do you wish to contest the speeding ticket Mr. Tribbiani?
Joey: Yes. I plead guilty.
Judge: If you are going to contest the ticket Mr. Tribbiani, you plead innocent.
Joey: That's what I meant. I plead innocent.
Judge: Very well. Please have a seat Mr. Tribbiani. Sergeant Quadros, please approach the bench and tell the court your version of Mr. Tribbiani's traffic stop.
Phoebe (approaching Joey): You didn't tell me that Sgt. Quadros was officer that pulled you over! She's gonna nail your ass to the wall!
Joey: Well at least she's gonna do it before you do.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Ben and Caitlin are present)
Ross: What are you making for dinner?
Rachel: Hey, youre the one who invited their little friend over for dinner. You figure out what to make for dinner.
Ben: That's probably a good idea Daddy. Mommy only knows how to make Mac and Cheese.
Rachel: I guess you won't be eating dinner Ben.
Ben: I'm gonna go read.
Rachel: That's probably the best idea you've had all day.
Ross: I'll order from Monica's place.
(There's a knock on the door. Rachel answers the door)
Woman: Hi. I'm Julie Bowen. You must be Rachel. Wow, you're much prettier than Ross said you were.
Rachel: He didn't think I was pretty?
Julie: No, no, he definitely thinks your pretty. I just think your stunning.
Rachel (to Ross): I like her.
Ross (hugging Julie): Hey Julie, it's great to see you again.
Julie: Is this your daughter?
Ross: Yes, this is Caitlin. Caitlin, can you say hi to Julie?
Rachel: We're still working on that one.
Ben (emerging from his bedroom): Hi! I'm Ben. I'm almost 9.
Julie: Hi, I'm Julie. I'm 33.
Ben: So when are you finally going to hook up with Ed?
Ben: That lawyer/bowling alley dude on your television show.
Julie: I don't know.
Rachel: Don't you have a book to read Ben?
Ben: Ok. I'll see you later Julie.
Julie: He's a precocious kid.
Rachel: He's too smart for his own good sometimes.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler, and the IRS auditor are present)
Rich: Can I get another beer?
Monica: Did you drive here?
Rich: I took the subway.
Monica: Then another beer it is. Could you show me where the beer is Chandler?
Chandler: They're in the refrigerator Monica.
Monica: I need your help!
(Chandler and Monica huddle at the refrigerator)
Chandler: What's your problem?
Monica: This is the seventh beer that Rich has had. He's gotta be drunk. I'm thinking if we keep giving him beer, he's gonna mess up the audit and I'm not gonna get caught. Now go down to the store and buy another six-pack.
Chandler: I don't have any money.
Monica: Don't lie to me.
Chandler: But it's cold outside.
Monica: You're gonna be sleeping on the balcony if you don't go down to the store this instant!
Chandler: I hope you get caught.
Monica: Here's your beer Rich.
Rich: Thanks. I have a question for you. You reported that you made $69,000 in 2000 at Allesandro's. Yet the W-2 filed by Allesandro's reported that you made $99,000. Why did you report the lower amount?
Monica: Can I get you another beer?
NEW YORK CITY TRAFFIC COURT (Joey and Phoebe are present. Sgt. Quadros is explaining the traffic stop to the judge)
Sgt. Quadros: Mr. Tribbiani was clocked on radar going 74 mph in a 45 mph zone. When I asked Mr. Tribbiani why he was speeding he stated that if he didn't get home immediately, he was going to be late for his girlfriend's birthday party. When I asked Mr. Tribbiani where his girlfriend lived, he stated that she lived with him in Greenwich Village. Your honor, Mr. Tribbiani was traveling in a direction away from Greenwich Village. The defendant wasn't even smart enough to know how to lie.
Joey: Objection! I'm not stupid! I know how to lie my ass off!
Judge: Sit down Mr. Tribbiani. You'll have your turn. Please go on Sgt. Quadros.
Sgt. Quadros: Mr. Tribbiani also was unable to provide proof of registration at the time of the traffic stop. I cited Mr. Tribbiani for speeding and for failure to have proof of registration.
Judge: Thank you Sgt. Quadros. Do you have any other testimony at this time?
Sgt. Quadros: I didn't cite Mr. Tribbiani for this violation, but he did offer to sleep with me if I would drop the citations in return.
(the camera cuts to Joey who has a big grin on his face)
Phoebe (swatting Joey in the head): I'm telling Jenna.
Judge: Mr. Tribbiani, please approach the bench and explain your side of the story. And don't you dare lie.
Joey: Your honor, if I can't lie, what's the point of explaining my side of the story?
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin, Ben and Julie are present)
Ross: How's your boyfriend? Ah, ah, ah, what's his face?
Julie: What's his face and I broke it off two months ago. He wouldn't make the ultimate commitment.
Rachel: He must've hung out with our friends Joey and Chandler. Thankfully Ross never had that problem, he's done the commitment thing four times.
Ross: Thanks for bringing that up.
Julie: So what's for dinner?
Ross: Crap, I forgot to order dinner. (to Julie) Rachel doesn't cook, well not unless your call Mac and Cheese cooking.
Rachel: Thank you for that.
Julie: Do you wanna go out?
Ross: Nah, I know the head chef at a local restaurant, I'll have them deliver.
Rachel: Some connection you've got there Ross. (to Julie) The head chef he's referring to is his sister.
Ben (emerging from the bedroom): Julie?
Julie: Yeah slugger?
Ben: Would you go out with me sometime? Maybe to a movie or something. Then we could come back to my room and play games.
Julie: How sweet. I'm being hit on by an 8 year-old. I'd love to Ben. Do you want to play Chutes and Ladders or Battleship?
Ben: I was thinking something like hide the salami.
Rachel: Ben! Where'd you learn that?!
Ben: You and Daddy are constantly saying that you're gonna play hide the salami. I figured if the game is that much fun, then Julie and I could play it.
Rachel: We're having a talk later buddy. Go back to your room.
Ben: Can I still date Julie?
Rachel: Go! (to Julie) I'm so sorry Julie. His Uncle Joey is constantly filling his mind with dirty things.
Julie: But he said that he learned the term from you guys.
Rachel: We learned it from Joey.
NEW YORK CITY TRAFFIC COURT (Joey and Phoebe are present. Joey is set to explain his side of the traffic stop to the judge)
Judge: Are you going to make your case Mr. Tribbiani?
Joey: Yes your honor.
Judge: Well what are you waiting for?
Joey: I was trying to come up with a good story for you your honor.
Judge: Stick to the facts Mr. Tribbiani.
Joey: Ok. (pause) Could we have a brief recess?
Judge: For what reason?
Joey: I can't remember the facts.
Judge: Mr. Tribbiani, tell your side of the traffic stop now or be found guilty.
Joey: Hey, whatever happened to being innocent until proven guilty?
Phoebe: Yeah right Joey, you haven't been innocent since you were 12.
Judge: No comments from the peanut gallery!
Joey: You see your honor, I was traveling down, down, whatever avenue I was pulled over on listening to Yanni on the car stereo.
Phoebe: Yanni? You hate Yanni.
Judge: Bailiff, please remove that woman from the courtroom.
Phoebe: No, please don't. I promise, I won't say another thing.
Judge: Very well. Proceed Mr. Tribbiani.
Joey: I looked down to change the CD on the car stereo and accidentally dropped the CD. When I bent over to pick up the CD from the floor, I accidentally stepped on the accelerator. It was seconds later that the police officer turned on her siren and pulled me over. So as you can see, my speeding in a 45mph zone was a total accident.
Judge: You're saying that dropping a Yanni CD caused you to step on the accelerator.
Joey: No, I was putting in my Metallica CD. That's what I dropped on the floor.
Phoebe: You don't even like Metallica.
Joey: Shut up Phoebe!
Judge: Bailiff ..
Phoebe: Sorry, I forgot.
Judge: Mr. Tribbiani, how fast were you going before you dropped the CD onto the car floor?
Joey: I'm not really sure. It couldn't have been over 40mph. I'm a real careful driver.
Judge: Then explain to me how the car accelerated from 40mph to 74mph in a matter of seconds.
(Joey stands for a minute at the podium totally confused)
Joey: Ah, physics?
Judge: Did you ever take Physics Mr. Tribbiani?
Judge: That's evident.
Joey: Look, all I know is that I was traveling at a safe speed, accidentally dropped the CD, which caused me to accidentally push the accelerator down and the car's speed went up to 74mph. I'm not psychic .
Joey: Whatever. The car's speed went up to 74mph on accident. I went to hit the brake just as the officer turned on her siren.
Judge: Sgt. Quadros, did Mr. Tribbiani attempt to put on the brake before you signaled for him to pull over?
Sgt. Quadros: No your honor. He made a move to pass a slower vehicle in front of him.
Judge: A slower vehicle?
Sgt. Quadros: Yes, an ambulance, an ambulance that was in emergency mode.
Judge: Is this true Mr. Tribbiani?
Joey: I dunno.
Judge: Are you done with your side of the story Mr. Tribbiani?
Joey: Yes your honor.
Judge: Ok. You may sit down Mr. Tribbiani. I'm going to take a moment before I render my verdict. (short pause) Mr. Tribbiani, if you'd please stand. (Joey stands up) Mr. Tribbiani, I find you guilty of the said traffic offense. The traffic citation will appear on your driving record for three years and you will pay a $369 fine. (hits the desk with the gavel) Next case.
Joey: $369? You're fining me $369?
Judge: Would you like me to suspend your license as well?
Joey: Have a good day.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica and the IRS auditor are present)
Rich: Thanks for the beer.
Monica: Not a problem.
Rich: You still haven't answered my question from an hour ago.
Monica: What was it again?
Rich (who is now drunk): You reported that you made $69,000 in 2000 at Allesandro's. Yet the W-2 filed by Allesandro's reported that you made $99,000. Why did you report the lower amount?
Monica: Huh? I only made $69,000 in 2000. Please, I was a head chef, not the owner of the place.
Rich: No, I think you made $99,000. It says it right here on this W-2 that Allesandro's filed with us.
Monica: May I see that?
Rich: Sure. Do you have anymore beer?
Monica: No, you drank the whole 12-pack.
Rich: Oh. That stuff is like water to me.
Monica: You don't say? (looks at the W-2) You're mistaken Rich, this clearly says that I only made $69,000 in 2000.
Rich: Are you sure?
Monica: Would I lie to you? You're an IRS auditor.
Rich: Let me see that. (looks at the W-2) Look at that, you did only make $69,000. Boy do I feel like an ass, not only did you file a correct return, the IRS owes you more money. I'll expedite your refund immediately. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
Monica: Not a problem. Ah, how much does the IRS owe me?
Rich: From the looks of things, I'd say you're due a $4,500 refund.
Rich: Can I use your facilities?
Monica: Right in there.
Chandler: Hey, I got more beer.
Monica: It took you over an hour to get more beer?
Chandler: No that only took ten minutes. I stopped by Central Perk for a latte. How'd the audit go?
Monica: I won. They're giving me an additional $4,500.
Chandler: How'd you swindle that?
(Rich emerges from the bathroom)
Rich: Thanks again for the beer. (to Monica) When did the other two guys get here?
Chandler: Never mind.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Ben, Caitlin and Julie are present)
Julie: Thanks so much for having me over.
Rachel: It was our pleasure. How long are you gonna be in town?
Julie: A couple of weeks.
Rachel: Then I guess we'll have to have you over again.
Julie: That'd be really nice.
Ben: Cool, we can still go out on our date!
Julie: Sure Ben, I'd really like that.
Ben: I'll have my people call your people.
Julie: I don't have any people Ben.
Ben: Then I guess I'll just have my people call you.
Ross: Who exactly are your people Ben?
Ben: You and Mommy.
Julie: Ok, I'd better go.
Rachel: Thanks for coming. I hope it works out between you and Ed.
Rachel: The lawyer/bowling alley dude.
Julie: Yeah, watch February sweeps.
Ross: I'm gonna go with Julie until she flags a cab.
Rachel: Good idea, I'm sure Joey is lurking somewhere around here.
Julie: Bye Caitlin.
Rachel: Caitlin! No! (to Julie) That's the other word we're trying to get her to unlearn.
(Ross and Julie leave - cut to five minutes later, out in front of the building. Julie is getting into her cab)
Julie: It was great seeing you again. I've thought about you a lot since our plane ride together.
Ross: You have?
Julie: Don't worry, just in a friendly way. I know you're married.
Ross: Very much so.
Julie: Are you free on Monday?
Ross: Yeah. Why?
Julie: I need a shopping partner. Interested?
Ross: Yeah. But I'd better check with Rachel first.
Julie: Yeah, we wouldn't want her to think that I was up to no good. See ya later.
Ross: See ya.
(cut to five minutes later - Ross has returned to the apartment)
Rachel: Did she get a cab ok?
Ross: No, some gunman gunned her down right in front of me.
Rachel: You're absolutely a riot.
Ross: Ah, Julie wanted to know if I could go shopping with her on Monday.
Rachel: Don't you have to work?
Ross: Winter break.
Rachel: I don't care. I really like her, she's really sweet.
Ross: You want to sleep with her don't you?
Rachel: I'm sorry, but that lesbian fantasy of yours isn't going to come true.
Ross: So is it ok?
Rachel: Yeah. Knock yourself out. (pause) Just remember, she's not on your list anymore.
Ross: I know. That's why I replaced her with Heidi Klum.
Rachel (laughing): You could never land Heidi Klum.
Ross: I don't know about that. She was interested on the plane, at least she was until I told her that I was married.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, and Michael are present)
Chandler: I wonder if Joey won his court case?
Monica: Do you really think that could happen?
(Joey and Phoebe enter)
Chandler: Did you win?
Joey: No. The judge didn't believe my story.
Phoebe: Yes, Joey's a very bad liar. He actually thought that the judge would believe that he accidentally stepped on the accelerator when he dropped a CD on the car floor.
Monica: It could happen.
Phoebe: Sure it could, if the car was equipped with a CD player in the first