TOW all the babies

(Scene: Rachel and Monica’s, Chandler and Phoebe are there watching tv)

Phoebe: Aren’t Ross and Rachel, supposed to get back soon?

Chandler: Yeah, I think so, although I really I couldn’t hear what Rachel
was saying over the sound of them having sex.

Phoebe: Yeah, beautiful isn’t it?

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: I never thought that Ross and Rachel would get back together. After
that whole “WE WERE ON A BREAK” thing I thought it was over.

Chandler: I didn’t. I always knew that they would find a way back to each
(Phoebe gets a worried look on her face)

Phoebe: (in a panic) Oh god.

Chandler: What is it Pheebs?

Phoebe: My water just broke.

Chandler: Oh don’t worry I’ll get you another one.

Phoebe: No, Chandler my water just broke.

Chandler: Yeah, I said I’ll get you another one.


Chandler: Oh. (realizes) OH!

Phoebe: Yeah. Uh, you have to get me to the hospital.

Chandler: (panicking) Oh, okay. Uh, I’ll call a cab. (picks up phone, starts
to dial then stops) Pheebs I’m scared.

Phoebe: God, where’s Monica when you need her?

Opening Credits/ Commercial Break

(Scene: The Hospital, Phoebe is arriving there with Chandler)

Phoebe: Hi.

Nurse: Hi, how may I help you?

Phoebe: Well, uh I have three babies about to come out of me.

Chandler: Yeah, and she also had like some yucky, floamy, stuff coming out
of her…

Nurse: (cutting him off) Hey!

Chandler: Sorry.

Nurse: Ma’am, you’re going into labor.

Phoebe: (sarcastic) Hey, ya think!

Nurse: Excuse me there’s no need for you to get sassy.

Phoebe: And there’s no need for you to get stupid.

Nurse: Excuse me?

Chandler: I’m sorry Ms. Nurse Lady but she’s just under a lot of pressure
right now, and she’s a agitated.

Nurse: Are you the father?

Chandler: No, the father is my brother (realizes what he just said) Wait a
minute that sounded kinda stupid. I don’t have a brother. The father is her

Phoebe: Yeah.

Nurse: Yeah, cause that sounded a lot less stupid.

(Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross and Rachel enter carrying luggage)

Rachel: Hey. (sees no one is there) Oh. Where the hell is everybody?

Ross: I don’t know. (yelling) Mon? Are you here? (goes to her bedroom)

(Rachel sees a note on the table)

Rachel: (reading it) Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. (thinks) What?

(Ross walks back over to her)

Rachel: Hey, look at this. (hands him note)

Ross: (reading) Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. (thinks) What
the—(realizes) Oh my Phoebe went into Labor!!

Rachel: Are you serious?!

Ross: Yeah, you can tell from the note.

Rachel: How?

Ross: Because this is Chandler’s hand writing and he’s the only one that
wou;d freak out like this.

Rachel: You’re right. We gotta get to the hospital. (they leave)

(Scene: The Delivery Room, Chandler enters wearing some kind of doctor’s

Chandler: Hey, the doctor said he will be in here to see you in a few, but
he has to get your file first.

Phoebe: Yeah, but why are you wearing a doctor’s uniform?

Chandler: They said I could. Cool, huh?

Phoebe: No, not really.

Chandler: So, I called Frank and Alice and they will be here ASAP.

Phoebe: Okay. Ooh, did you call Joey or Mon?

Chandler: No, but I’ll call them now. (gets his cell phone so he can call)

(the doctor comes in)

Dr. Fallon: Hello, Ms. Buffay I’m Dr. Fallon.

Phoebe: Hi.

Dr. Fallon: (looking at her file) I'll be back in a minute to do your
internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great.

Phoebe: Thank you.

Dr. Fallon: Okay. (leaves) (Ross and Rachel rush in)

Ross: (out of breath) Oh, god Pheebs are you okay?

Phoebe: Yeah, pretty much.

Rachel: Okay, thank good god.

Phoebe: Ooh, hey how was your trip?

Ross: Your having three babies and that’s all you can say?

Phoebe: Okay, well Ross what’s up with your hair?

Ross: What do you mean? Does it look bad?

Phoebe: (lying) No, it looks great!

(Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Joey are there talking)

Joey: I have to get a girlfriend. Did you know I have not had sex in 2

Monica: What you don't use your hand any more?(they all laugh.)

Joey: (fake laughing.) You know Monica I feel sorry for you not having a
boyfriend and all, you know since Ross told all the guys we know that you
were a LES-bian.

Monica: Okay. That's enough. Joey why don't you just call one of those
dating service hotlines?

Joey: Monica I'm desperate, I'm not Ross.

(a really pretty woman walks up to him.)

Woman: Hi, my name is Tina and I was wondering if you would like to join me
in getting a drink?

Joey: (annoyed) Not now I'm trying to think.

Woman: Okay. (she goes to sit down)

Joey: Geez. Now where am I gonna find a date?
( Monica stares at Joey.)

Joey: (realizing what he just did.) Oh god! ( he runs after the woman.)

Gunther: (from counter) Monica.

Monica: Yeah?

Gunther: You have a phone call. It’s Chandler.

Monica: (gets IT) Hey Chandler.

Chandler: Hey, you have to get down to the hospital.

Monica: Why?

Chandler: Phoebe’s in labor.

Monica: Oh my god!

Chandler: I know! Get down here and get Joey too.

Monica: Okay. I’ll be there. Bye.

Chandler: Bye.

Monica hangs up and goes over to Joey)

Joey: (to woman) So, how bout you call up your friends and we get together
and have a threesome?

Woman: (punches him in the face) Freak! (leaves)

Monica: Joey, we have to get to the hospital.

Joey: (holding his nose) Yeah, I know. She broke my nose.

Monica: No. That’s not important. Phoebe went into labor.

Joey: Oh god!

Monica : I know.

(they leave)

Commercial Break

(Scene: The delivery room, Frank and Alice rush in)

Frank: Oh Phoebe. (hugs her)

Phoebe: Hey, Frank. Alice. (sarcastic) What’s up!

Frank: Hey. Sorry we took so long but when Chandler called and said that
your water broke we thought he was kidding because you know, he’s Chandler.

Alice: Yeah. We laughed for a little bit until we realized he was serious.

(Dr. Fallon comes back in)

Dr. Fallon: Okay, Ms. Buffay, let’s see what we got here. Oh, you’re having

Phoebe: Oh Really? Thanks for reminding me!

Dr. Fallon: Well, I’ll be back in a few.

(Scene: Hospital, Monica and Joey come in, Joey is holding his nose)

Monica: Hello.

Nurse: Hi, how may I help you?

Monica: Well, uh I need to know what room Phoebe Buffay is in.

Nurse: (checking) Okay, she’s in room 219.

Monica: Yes, thank you. (remembers) Oh, can you get a doctor for this man?

Nurse: Why, What happened to him?

Monica: He got punched in the face by a woman.

Nurse: By a woman? Wow, what a wuss you are. (to Joey) Right this way.

(Scene: Delivery Room, Monica enters)

Monica: Hey Pheebs.

Phoebe: Oh, Mon thank god you’re here.

Monica: Am I too late?

Phoebe: No, we haven’t started yet.

Monica: How are you?

Phoebe: I’m doing okay, but the babies could go for a nice beer.

Monica: The babies?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, their have some weird cravings.

Monica: Sure.

Phoebe: So, where’s Joey?

Monica: Oh, he got punched in the mouth by a girl.

Phoebe: By a girl?!

Monica: Yeah.

Phoebe: Wow, he’s been living with Chandler way to long.

Monica: So, uh he’s in another room getting taken care of.

Phoebe: I hope my baby’s okay.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Nothing.

(Scene: Another Hospital Room Joey and Rachel are there)

Rachel: Joey, honey I’m sorry about your little accident.

Joey: Yeah, me too. I feel so stupid.

Rachel: Oh, I wish there was something I could do.

Joey: (sexy) Well, maybe there is baby.

(Rachel is so disgusted that she pinches Joey’s broken nose really, really

Joey: (in pain) Owwwww!

(a doctor comes in)

Dr. Thompson: Hello, Mr. Tribbiani.

Joey: (in pain) Hey Doc!

Dr. Thompson: I’ve looked over these x-rays and it’s looks like the WOMAN
who punched you, broke your nose.

Joey: Can I see the x-ray?

Dr. Thompson: Sure. (hands it to him)

Joey: (looking at is totally confused) Doc, why did you give me a picture of
a woman’s vagina?

Dr. Thompson: (like he’s stupid) That’s an x-ray of your nose.

Joey: Oh, I guess beauty and brains don’t mix, huh? (laughs) (notices
no one else is laughing and stops)

Rachel: So, Doc anyway… what can we do about this?

Dr. Thompson; Well, we can either patch it up or he can go into surgery.

Joey: Are there any other options?

Dr. Thompson: No.

Joey: Aw crap!

Rachel: Okay, uh Joey why don’t you just get your nose patched up.

Joey: But it will hide my pretty face!

Rachel: Joey?

Joey: Alright.

(Scene: Delivery room, the doctor, and everyone else is there but
Rachel and Joey)

Dr. Fallon: Okay, Phoebe you’re at ten centimeters. Time to start having
some babies.

Phoebe: Oh.

Dr. Fallon: Okay, I only want the mother, the father and the Doctors in

(They all say goodbye to Phoebe and give her a good luck kiss and leave
except Chandler)

Dr. Fallon: You’re a doctor?

Chandler: Sure, you said I was.

Dr. Fallon: Good, cause I could really use an assistant.

Chandler: Okay! (gets behind him)

Dr. Fallon: Are you ready. Time to start pushing.

(Cut to: Joey in the other with Rachel)

Dr, Thompson: Okay, time to start screaming.

Joey: What?!

Dr. Thompson: Okay, this may hurt a little.

Joey: Okay.

(The Doctor cracks Joey’s nose in place) (Joeys screams)

(Cut to: The Delivery room, Frank, Alice and Chandler are there, the
doctor is delivering the babies)

Dr. Fallon: Phoebe, push! Come on you can do it!

Chandler: Come on Pheebs!

Phoebe: (pushing) Urgh!

Chandler: (disgusted) Doc, I think a piece of her vagina just came out!

Doctor: That’s the baby’s head.

Chandler: Oh.

Frank: Yes, the baby’s got a head!

Dr. Fallon: Okay, the shoulders, the arms…

Phoebe: (pushing) Urghhhhhhhh!

Dr. Fallon: Okay, you have a baby boy! (holds the baby up)

(Cut to: Waiting Room, Chandler and Frank run in excited)

Frank: Yesss!

Ross: What?! What?!

Chandler: They have a baby boy!

Frank: Yeah. Frank Jr. Jr. here’s!

Monica: Oh.

Ross: How does he look?

Frank: So, gross!

Chandler: Yeah. (they go back in)

(Cut to: Joey, in the other hospital room, Rachel is still there with him.
He is still screaming because the doctor is fixing his nose)

Dr. Thompson: (he puts like a patch thing on Joey’s nose) Mr. Tribbiani!

Joey: (about to cry) What?!

Dr. Thompson: We’re done!

Joey: Really?

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: Oh.

(Cut to: The Delivery Room)

Dr. Fallon: Phoebe you need to push for me again, okay?

Phoebe: Really? Wow, I thought that one push was it.

Dr. Fallon: Okay, push Phoebe!!!

Phoebe: Urgh!!! (pushing)

Chandler: Ewww!!!!!!

Alice: Come on out little Leslie!

Frank: Come on!

Dr. Fallon: Push one more time.

Phoebe: Urggggghhhh!!!!

Dr. Fallon: Come on! I see the arms! Push for me one more time!

Phoebe: Urrrrrrrrgggghh! (pushing)

Dr. Fallon: It’s a girl. (holding baby up)

Chandler: Wow, that’s absolutely-positively a girl!!

Phoebe: Oh God!!

(Cut to: Delivery Room, Frank comes out)

Frank: Yess!!!!

Monica: What?!

Frank: We got another baby out!

Ross: Yeah.

Frank: I didn’t think it was possible looking at the size of her head.

Monica: (unsure) Oh.

(Cut to: Delivery Room, frank comes back in)

Frank: Okay, I’m back you can start.

Dr. Fallon: Good. Phoebe this is the last time. I need you to push for
me okay?

Phoebe: Okay.

Dr. Fallon: Push!!

Phoebe: Urrrggggh!!! (pushing and squeezing Chandler hand)

Chandler: Ouch!!!

Phoebe: Urrgggh!! (pushing)

Chandler: Owwww!!

Dr. Fallon: One more time!

Phoebe: Urrrggghhhhhh!!! (pushing)

Chandler: Owwwww!!!!!!!

Frank: It’s a girl!

Dr. Fallon: Yeah. (holding up baby)

Chandler: I’m a girl?!

Frank: Wow, that comes as no surprise.

(Fades to: Later on, Everybody is there)

Joey: Wow, look at these little babies.

Rachel: Yeah, makes me want to have one.

(Ross looks at her)

Rachel: What?! I’m just kidding!

Frank: Guys, uh me and Alice are gonna makes some calls okay?

All: Yeah/sure/okay etc…

(Frank and Alice leave)

Phoebe: (starting to laugh) Wow, I feel so good.

Chandler: Pheebs, what’s funny?

Phoebe: Oh, you’ve ruined this day a lot.

Chandler: How?

Phoebe: First you get Joey punched in the nose, the you turn my baby into a

All: Oh. (laughing)

Commercial Break

Ending Credits

(Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, Monica, Phoebe and Rachel are there sitting in
leather pants and sipping tequila)

(The screen reads 3 days later)

Monica: Wow, this was the best week ever.

Rachel Yeah, first I get Ross and Phoebe has the babies and now we’re
sitting in our leather pants and sipping tequila.


Monica: We’re sad aren’t we?

Phoebe: (sips some tequila) Pretty much.

All: Yeah.

The end