THE ONE WITH THE PREPARATION FOR BATTLE
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Chandler are present)
Joey: Let me ask you a question.
Chandler: Let me say no.
Joey: Are engagement rings expensive?
Chandler: No they're only a quarter down at the five and dime.
Joey: Was Monica's engagement ring expensive?
Chandler: Let me put it this way, we've been married a year and I've got four more to go until the ring is paid in full.
Joey: How much was it?
Chandler: More than what you owe me.
Joey: That much?
Chandler: That much.
Joey: Man, you spent some serious coin on Monica's ring.
Chandler: What's with the questions Joe? You're not gonna do something stupid and ask Jenna to marry you are you?
Joey: No. I was just wondering how soon I should start saving for her ring.
Chandler: You're, my God, you're getting serious with her.
Chandler: Is she pregnant?
Joey: God no! Why would you even think that?!
Chandler: You're Joey, you never get serious about anything.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Rachel, Monica, Phoebe and Ross are present)
Monica: Have you heard anything from Carol?
Ross: No, not a word.
Rachel: I'm sure she was just upset that Ben chose us instead of her. I seriously doubt she'll do anything.
Phoebe: She probably thinks you and Ross brainwashed Ben.
Rachel: We did not brainwash Ben!
Phoebe: I know that. I'm just saying that she thinks you did.
Monica: What are you gonna do if she takes you to court?
Ross: I haven't thought that far ahead.
Rachel: I seriously doubt that Carol will take us to court. She's not a litigious person.
Phoebe: No, just a very confused lesbian. (Ross and Rachel just look at Phoebe) What? I didn't say anything that you already didn't know.
(there's a knock on the door)
Monica: Who is it?
Man: Pizza delivery.
Monica: Did any of you order a pizza? (Rachel, Phoebe and Ross shake their heads no - Monica opens the door) Ah, we didn't order a pizza.
Man: Don't look at me lady, I just deliver them. It says right here that a Ross Geller ordered the pizza.
Ross (walking over to the door): I didn't order any pizza. There must be some mistake.
Man: Are you Ross Geller?
Ross: Yeah. Why?
Man (hands him some papers): These are for you, consider yourself served. Have a nice day. (The man leaves)
Monica: What is it?
Ross: Carol is suing Rachel and I for sole custody of Ben.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Joey are present)
Joey: You know, I was sitting here thinking….
Chandler: God, I hope you didn't hurt yourself.
Joey: As I was saying, I was thinking that we haven't done anything stupid together in months.
Chandler: Joey, each day you fill your life with stupidity.
Joey: Yeah, but you haven't been helping me lately.
Chandler: What'd you have in mind? Would it get me in trouble with my wife?
Chandler: What is it?
Joey: It involves money and free alcohol.
Chandler: No. No way.
Joey: Come on, it'll be fun.
Chandler: I went without sex for a whole month after the last time we went there. And besides, I just finished paying her back the money I lost.
Joey: That was almost a year ago!
Chandler: Yeah, but she charged me interest and compounded it by the minute.
Joey: We're going.
Chandler: No we're not.
Joey: I've already got Phoebe's cab lined up. We'll leave, gamble for four hours and then drive home in time for dinner. Monica will never know that we went.
Chandler: You do realize that if she finds out I'll be staying with you indefinitely?
Joey: Are you in?
Chandler: Like a penis into a vagina.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Monica are present)
Phoebe: Man, that totally sucks that Carol is suing Ross and Rachel.
Monica: I dunno. If it was my son and he decided to live with his Dad over me, I think I'd fight it too.
Phoebe: Kinda like the way you befriended Julie even though you knew you'd hurt Rachel.
Monica: That's not even close to this situation!
Phoebe: True, I just like to point that out sometimes. Are you ready to go?
Monica: We're going somewhere?
Phoebe: Duh, I only asked you a thousand times already.
Monica: Where're we going?
Phoebe: To Central Perk.
Monica: You never asked me to go to Central Perk.
Phoebe: Oh. I must be talking to you in my head again.
THE LAW OFFICES OF HARRIS BUSH (Ross and Rachel are present)
Ross: So what do you think Harris?
Harris: Please, call me Harry.
Ross: So what'd you think? Does she have a case?
Harris: Unfortunately she does.
Rachel: But they've been divorced for over eight years. Isn't there some law that says you can't seek sole custody after sharing it for so long?
Harris: No, there's not.
Ross: So what do we do?
Harris: You need to decide if you want to fight for custody or not.
Ross: There's no other way to do this?
Harris: Simply, no. If you want to maintain custodial rights to your son, you're gonna have to fight Ms. Willick in court.
(Ross and Rachel look dejected)
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Monica are present)
Monica: Hey Gunther, was Chandler here earlier?
Gunther: Yeah, he was with Joey. They left about twenty minutes ago.
Monica: Did they say where they were going?
Gunther: I'm a barista, not his mother.
Phoebe: Ew, he got you there.
Monica: I wonder where they went.
Phoebe: Leave Chandler alone, it's his day off. He deserves to do something stupid.
Monica: I'm being overbearing again aren't I?
Phoebe (sarcastically): You overbearing? Never.
Monica: So I was thinking that we could…..
Phoebe: Shut up!
Monica: Excuse me!
Phoebe: No. The man I'm gonna marry just walked in.
Monica: You've already been married twice.
Phoebe: Yes but the first one was to a gay ice dancer and the second was for stealing a stuffed animal. Neither of those count. This guy, yeah this guy is the one.
Monica (looking at the guy): He is kinda cute. But come on, you don't even know the guy, he could be a total jerk.
Phoebe: Would you quit talking crap about my future husband. Don't make me hurt you!
Monica: Well go up to him and introduce yourself to him.
Phoebe: No way, that be too obvious.
Monica: Well then how are you gonna meet him?
Phoebe: I think it's time for a quick Tarot reading. (takes out her cards)
Monica: Do you carry those everywhere?
Phoebe: Pretty much. (she spreads three cards out on the table) Cool! He'll ask me out in two hours.
Monica: I still don't understand how you can tell.
Phoebe: Well that's because you didn't let me finish teaching you how to read the cards.
Monica: Phoebe, you were the one who said you didn't want to teach me anymore.
Phoebe: Christ, do you have to remember everything?
THE MIRAGE - ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY (Chandler and Joey are present)
Chandler: Monica is going to kill me. No, first she'll cut off my balls and then she'll stuff them down my throat and then she'll shoot me.
Joey: Would you stop! Monica is not gonna kill you because she's not gonna find out. Our plan is foolproof.
Chandler: Oh really? What's our plan?
Joey: Duh, that she's not gonna find out. I'm telling you, it's foolproof.
Chandler: That's not a plan. That's not even a half of a plan. Little Ben could come up with a more definitive plan than that crap!
Joey: Dude, you have no faith in me.
Chandler: You're just realizing that now?!
Joey: Look, if you're so paranoid about Monica finding out, then we should just go.
Chandler: I suppose we could play for an hour.
Joey: Or four.
Chandler: Well maybe three. We've gotta save an hour to eat lunch.
Joey: Shall we hit the tables?
Chandler: Was I a little hard on the Beaver last night?
Chandler: Sorry, bad Leave It To Beaver joke. Let's let'em ride.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present - they're sitting on the couch silently)
Rachel: What do you want to do?
Ross: I honestly don't know. I'd never thought that it would come to this.
Rachel: Do we have enough money for a lawyer?
Ross: Not really.
Rachel: What are we gonna do then?
Ross: Sell our souls to the highest bidder.
Rachel: I'm sure my parents would give us some money if we ask.
Ross: I don't want to be in debt to your father. It's bad enough that he's my father-in-law.
Rachel: What do you suggest then?
Ross: I'll figure something out. I'm tired, I'm gonna take a nap. Care to join me?
Rachel: Nah, I'll just read or something. (pause) You know, for someone who might lose his son, you're very calm.
Ross (starting to cry): It's bad enough that I only see him once or twice a week, and now that bitch is trying to take him away. Yeah, I'm fighting for my son. We're hiring a lawyer.
Rachel: I guess my BMW is out the window.
Ross: It was never in the window to begin with Rach.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Monica are present)
Monica: Are we gonna be leaving anytime soon? I've got things to do you know.
Phoebe: You do not. Look, in an hour he's gonna ask me out and it's gonna be the start of the greatest romance ever.
Monica (getting up): You know what? I'm gonna jump start this little courtship for you.
Phoebe: What are you gonna do?!
Monica: I'm just gonna go tell him that you like him.
Phoebe: No! You can’t do that! You'll screw up the future!
Monica: You're putting your faith in the future of your romantic life on some Tarot cards which may or may not be right, that's hardly a secure future. I hardly think me telling him that you think he's cute is gonna change anything.
Phoebe: Please, I'm begging you!
(The guy starts to walk over to Phoebe)
Monica: Looks like I don't have to do anything.
Guy (to Phoebe): Are these your Tarot cards?
Phoebe (shyly): Ah, yeah.
Guy: Hi, my name is Mitch Cumstain.
Phoebe (laughing): Are you serious?
Mitch: Yeah. What's so funny?
Phoebe: Nothing, nothing's funny. My name is Phoebe, Phoebe Buffay. That's my friend Monica over there.
Monica: Hey. (to Phoebe) I'll talk to you later. (Monica leaves)
Mitch: I normally don't do something like this, but would like to grab some lunch or something?
Phoebe: I suppose so. You're buying right?
Phoebe: Good 'cause I left my wallet at my ex-husband's apartment.
(Mitch looks at Phoebe funny as they get up and leave)
THE LAW OFFICES OF HARRIS BUSH (Ross and Rachel are present)
Harris: Are you sure you want to do this?
Rachel: We wanna nail her ass to the wall!
Harris: Ok then. I'll prepare our response to the lawsuit today and file it with the court tomorrow morning. Now please realize that this could be a long, drawn out process. It's also likely to get very ugly.
Rachel: But Ben won't be there right?
Harris: Wrong. Ben will be there for the majority of the case and he'll have to testify as to which parent he wants to live with.
Ross: There's no way to shield him from all this?
Harris: Sure, it's called settling this mess out of court.
Rachel: Maybe we should give that a try.
Harris: If you want, I'll call Carol's lawyer and ask to set up a meeting to discuss a settlement.
Rachel: At no charge?
Harris: Sorry, no. But you and Ross are free to try yourselves.
Ross: I think that's what will do. Go ahead and file our response. Rachel and I will try to settle this with Carol without your help. Thanks Harris.
Harris: Please, call me Harry. It may say Harris Bush on the door, but all my friends call me Harry Bush.
THE MIRAGE - ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY (Chandler and Joey are present. Chandler is playing the slots. Joey approaches him)
Joey: How you doin'?
Chandler: Ok, I'm not some hot girl. Never, ever do that again.
Joey: Sorry. How are you doing?
Chandler: I dunno, I've lost about fifty bucks. How 'bout you?
Joey: I'm down a grand.
Chandler: We've only been here for three hours! How'd you lose so much money so fast?
Joey: You see I was playing poker and I thought I had a great hand and I got into a betting war and lost.
Chandler: What'd you have?
Joey: Two pair.
Chandler: What?! Are you stupid or something? You don't win with two pair in Atlantic City!
Joey: But I always win with that when I'm playing with Phoebe.
Chandler: Then you deserve to lose. (Chandler pulls the lever on the machine. It comes up 7's across the board. The machine starts to make loud sounds and a light is going off - Chandler's hit the slot jackpot) Oh my God! What'd I do?
Joey: Dude, you just won $662,536.52!
Chandler: No! This can't be happening!
Joey: You're rich!
Chandler: I'm dead!
Joey: What? What are you talking about?
Chandler: I can't hide $662,536.52 from Monica!
Casino Worker: Congratulations sir! You just hit The Mirage's slot machine jackpot! You've won $662,550! Phil, let's get a picture of this for the paper.
Chandler: No, no photos for the paper. The money's bad enough. The paper will just be another nail in my coffin!
Casino Worker: The wife doesn't know you're here does she?
Chandler: What do you think?
Joey: Yeah, he's pretty much a dead man now.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica is cleaning the kitchen as Phoebe and Mitch enter)
Phoebe: Hey Mon. You remember Mitch right?
Monica: Hi Mitch. So what did you two do today?
Mitch: Phoebe and I went to lunch, to the zoo and then we came here.
Monica: You went to the zoo?
Phoebe: Yeah, we went to see Chandler's extended family.
Phoebe: Oh, and congratulations Mon, you're a rich woman now.
Monica: What? What are you talking about? I haven't left here for hours.
Phoebe: You'll see. Ready to go Mitch?
Mitch: Yeah. Ah, could I use the bathroom first?
Phoebe: Sure, it's right in there. (Mitch goes into the bathroom)
Monica: Wow, you two have really seemed to have hit it off.
Phoebe: He's so fun to be with. I really like him.
Monica: Just don't fall to hard Pheebs.
Phoebe: I think it's too late for that.
Monica: Just remember what it was like with David.
Phoebe: Who's David?
Monica: The scientist who went to Minsk.
Phoebe: This is totally different. Mitch is an architect. He's helping redesign Ground Zero.
Monica: Just be careful, that's all.
Phoebe: Trust me, I'm marrying this guy.
(Mitch emerges from the bathroom)
Mitch: That's much better. (to Phoebe) Ready to go?
Phoebe: Yeah. See ya Mon.
Mitch: It was nice seeing you again Monica.
Monica: You too. Bye guys. (Phoebe and Mitch leave. Monica goes into the bathroom and then comes rushing out) My God, you think he could've flushed the toilet after dropping that bomb!
CAROL & RYAN'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are outside the door)
Ross: Just be calm Rach. We're here to try to settle this thing without a long custody fight.
Rachel: I'll be fine.
Ross: Just don't call her a bitch if things get nasty.
Rachel: I'll be fine.
(Ross knocks on the door and after a moment, Carol answers it)
Carol: Oh, it's you guys. What do you want?
Ross: Rachel and I want to try and settle this thing with Ben with you and Ryan without going to court.
Carol: Fine. Come on in. (Ross and Rachel enter)
Rachel: Where's Ryan?
Carol: The Giants are in Arizona. He's there with the team.
Rachel: Where's Ben?
Carol: He's staying with my parents for a couple of days. So what do you guys propose?
Ross: Well that's what we want to talk to you about. We don't have a specific proposal just yet. It's just that Rachel and I don't think a long custody battle is in Ben's best interest.
Carol: So you're saying that you're gonna let me take Ben to San Francisco.
Ross: No, I'm not saying that.
Carol: Then I guess we don't have anything to talk about.
Rachel: Why are you being such a bitch?!
Carol: I don't have to take this. Get the hell out of my apartment!
Rachel: You're not taking Ross' son away from him!
Ross: Rachel, calm down! Let's talk about this like mature adults.
Carol: I've got nothing to say. Ben is my son and he's going with me to San Francisco.
Ross: Carol, Ben doesn't want to go to San Francisco with you. He wants to stay with Rachel and I.
Carol: That's only because you forced him to make that choice.
Rachel: We did not!
Ross: Carol, you know I'd never make Ben do that. He made the decision all by himself. Why can't you just honor that?
Carol: Because I'm his mother and I know what's best for him! Now get out!
Ross: Fine, we'll leave. I can't believe you're willing to put our son through a custody battle. It's only gonna get worse from here.
(Ross and Rachel go to leave)
Rachel: See you in court you c%nt!
(Carol slams the door on Rachel and Ross)
Ross (mad): Is that keeping your cool?
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Chandler are present)
Chandler: I should just tell her. I should just tell her that we went to Atlantic City and I won $662,500 playing the slots.
Joey: And go without sex for the next three months?
Chandler: Or I don't tell her and set up a secret bank account and put the money in there and when it comes time to buy a house I tell her that I got a huge bonus at work. Think that'll work?
Joey: Yeah right.
Chandler: You're not helping.
Joey: When do I ever help?
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica is watching the news)
Monica (to herself): Where in the hell is Chandler? It's almost six o'clock and he's not here. He'd better not be in jail.
Newswoman (from TV): And in lighter news…..a Greenwich Village man won $662,500 playing the slots at the Mirage in Atlantic City today. Let's go to Laura Greco who interviewed the man. Laura…..
Monica (to herself): I wish I could win that much money.
Laura (from TV): Congratulations Chandler! What do you plan on doing with the money?
Chandler: I don't know yet.
Joey: I'll tell you one thing, he's not telling his wife.
Monica (shutting off the TV): Chandler! I'm gonna kill you!
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Rachel: Hey Mon.
Monica: Who died?
Ross: Carol won't settle our custody suit out of court.
Rachel: She's being a real bitch!
Ross: Would you cut it out!
Monica: Chandler won $662,500 playing the slots at the Mirage in Atlantic City!
Monica: I know! I'm as surprised as you!
(Chandler and Joey enter)
Chandler: What's for dinner Mon?
Monica: Don't Mon me!
Chandler: Whoa! What did I do?
Monica: Where were you today?
Chandler: Joey and I went to the Yankee game.
Joey: Yeah, I eat 36 hot dogs. I don't feel so good right now.
Rachel: That's what happens when you eat 36 hot dogs.
Monica: Do you wanna re-think that answer?
Ross: Maybe we should go.
Monica: No. You're staying.
Chandler: What are you all bent out of shape for? We only went to a baseball game.
Monica: Really. I think I'll put the news back on. Let's see what's on channel 10.
Newsman (from TV): And in lighter news, Chandler Bing, a Greenwich Village man, won $662,500 playing the slots at the Mirage in Atlantic City today. When asked what he was gonna do with the money he simply said "I don't know". Personally, this anchorman liked his friend's response better - " I'll tell you one thing, he's not telling his wife."
(everyone looks at Chandler and Joey)
Joey: You are so busted.
Chandler: Thanks for pointing that out.
Monica: Well? What do you have to say for yourself?
Monica: Where's the money now?
Joey: In a secret bank account down at Citibank.
Chandler: No, no it's not!
Joey: Dude, you're already busted. You might as well come clean.
Chandler: The money's in a CD account at Citibank. It's earning 3.4% interest as we speak.
Ross: How, how, how….
Chandler: Sevens across the board. I was as surprised as you are.
Monica: You do realize that you in for the sex of your life?
Chandler: You're not mad?
Monica: Oh, I mad that you didn't trust me enough to tell me that you went to Atlantic City, but I have 662,500 reasons why you're gonna be the luckiest man on the face of the planet tonight.
Chandler: What about tomorrow?
Monica: Then it'll be back to the no sex for a month thing.
(Phoebe and Mitch enter)
Phoebe: We're back! Mitch, this is Ross and Rachel.
Rachel: Nice to meet you.
Phoebe: And that's Chandler and Joey.
Chandler: What's up?
Joey: Have I met you before?
Mitch: I don't think so.
Joey: What's your last name?
Joey (laughing): Seriously, what's your last name?
Mitch: It really is Cumstain.
Joey: Poor bastard.
Monica: Mitch, I don't mind you using my bathroom but I need you to follow the rules.
Mitch: Did I do something wrong?
Monica: When it' yellow it's ok to let it mellow, but when it's brown we flush it down.
Mitch: I only went pee. It was already brown when I got in there. I didn't flush the toilet 'cause I wasn't sure if you were saving, saving that, for something.
Monica: But I didn't do that. Who did? (Monica sees Chandler making way towards the door) Chandler!
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are present)
Joey: That'll teach you to never forget to flush the toilet again.
Chandler: So much for the night of hot sex.
Joey: Well as long as she doesn't find the Citibank account, you've got nothing to worry about.
Chandler: True. It's a good thing the money's someplace else.
Joey: It's not at Citibank.
Chandler: You think with your big mouth I'm gonna tell you where it's at?
Joey: Well then I think this big mouth will go tell Monica that the money is at Citibank.
Chandler: You wouldn't.
Joey: Like I have anything to lose.
Chandler: It's at Bank of America.
Joey: You really like playing with fire don't you?
Chandler: Pissing Monica off is the hallmark of our marriage.