THE ONE WITH THE BIRTH - PART I
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone is present)
Monica: I canít believe Iím gonna be an aunt again.
Ross: ItĎs pretty amazing isnít it?
Chandler: Whatís amazing?
Monica: That at any time now, Rachelís going to go into labor and finally have her baby girl.
Joey: Yeah, I canít wait to be an uncle again.
Ross: What are you talking about Joey? Youíre not gonna be an uncle again. Youíre not related to us.
Joey: Oh yeah? Then why does Ben call me Uncle Joey?
Phoebe: As a term of endearment Joey. Youíre not really his uncle, just like how I am not really his aunt.
Joey: What?! I am too his uncle. His godfather has to be his uncle.
Chandler: Joey, you arenít his godfather either. I am.
Joey: Is there anything else I should know? Is Carol not really his mother either?!
Rachel: Joey, you were present when she gave birth to Ben, of course sheís his mother.
Joey: This canít be true. Iíve been living a lie for the past eight years! All of the sudden I find out Iím not Benís uncle and Iím not even his godfather! This isnít fair! I wanna be an uncle!
Rachel: Joey, would it make you feel any better if I told you that Ross and I want you to be Alexaís godfather?
Joey: No! Iím still not her uncle. (long pause as the others stare at him) You want me to be Alexaís godfather?
Ross: Yeah Joe, we do.
Joey: She can call me Godfather Joey?
Rachel: Whatever floats your boat honey.
Joey: Cool. What was I going on and on about again?
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Chandler and Phoebe are present)
Chandler: Did you know that our first anniversary is coming up?
Monica: Yeah. You actually think Iíd forget something like that?
Phoebe: Chandler did until I reminded him on the way over here.
Monica (mad): Whatís the matter with you? How could you forget our anniversary?
Chandler: Itís not even here yet! How could I forget? Technically you donít forget until the day of or the day after an important day. So there!
Phoebe (to Monica): Heís got you there.
Monica: Ok then, what day is our anniversary? Donít you dare tell him Phoebe!
Phoebe: Sorry Chandler, youíre on your own.
Chandler: Itís, ahÖ.
Monica: See, you donít even know!
Chandler: I got it! Itís May 12th.
Monica: You are so lucky! Who told you?
Chandler: No one! How could I forget that day? It was the biggest day of my life so far.
Monica: Oh, thatís so sweet. I love you.
Chandler: Of course December 4th is an important day too.
Phoebe: Whyís that?
Chandler: It was the day I lost my virginity to Dawn Garber. Now that was a special day. (noticing Monicaís is glaring at him) But not nearly as important as the day I got married to my beautiful wife Monica.
Monica: What are you doing here? Shouldnít you be with Rachel? She could pop any minute now.
Ross: She sent me to get her some steamed milk.
Chandler: It was your suggestion wasnít it?
Ross: Heck yeah, sheís driving me crazy. Sheís too big to do anything for herself. I actually had to give her a bath this morning. Do you know how sickening it is to give a pregnant women a bath? I mean her tummy is hard, her boobs are enormous and extremely sensitive, and the gas, my God the gas is even worse than Joeyís after he eats chili. I donít think Iíll ever be able to make love to her again.
Chandler: Sheís farting in the tub? Whatís she doing, making it a Jacuzzi?
Ross: I wish. She just lets them rip like sheís a guy or something.
Monica: Well itís almost over Ross.
Phoebe: Yeah Ross, youíre making it sound like itís worse than it really is.
Ross: Am I? How would you know?
Phoebe: Iíve been pregnant. I know what Rachelís going through. Sheís lucky to have you standing by her. Heck, you guys left me when I was eight months pregnant to go to London. I didnít have anyone.
Monica: You said that you didnít mind us leaving you. And hey, itís not our fault Rachel abandoned you. Sheís the one you should be mad at.
Phoebe: Donít worry, Rachel will get whatís coming to her.
Ross: Donít do anything to my wife Phoebe.
Phoebe: Too late.
Ross: What did you do?
Phoebe: Letís just say that Rachel is going to run a marathon.
Monica: What in the heck does that mean?
Phoebe: I put a spell on Rachel when she left me that day in the apartment.
Chandler: What kinda spell?
Phoebe: A spell where if Rachel ever got pregnant, her labor would last so long that if would seem as if she was running a marathon. Sheís in for a very long labor.
Ross: How could you do something like that? Rachel loves you.
Phoebe: Do you want me to get into the spell I put on you? Youíre the reason she left me by myself in the first place. She had to be in love with you. Sure, I told her that you were in love with Emily, but no, she had to go off to London to admit her true feelings for you.
Monica: You put a spell on Ross?
Ross: This is ridiculous. Iím leaving.
Chandler: Ross, you didnít get the steamed milk.
Ross: Damn it!
(Ross goes to the counter)
Chandler: So whatís this spell Phoebe? Is his thing gonna turn green or something?
Phoebe: Even better. As soon as Ross gets Rachel to the hospital, heíll keep forgetting why theyíre there.
Monica: Thatís not so bad.
Phoebe: But itíll irritate the hell out of Rachel.
Ross: See you guys later. (Rossís cell phone goes off) Hello? (pause) Rachel? (pause) Your water broke? (pause) Iíll be right there. (to the others) Rachelís water broke! RachelĎs water broke! We have to get to the hospital!
Monica (excited): Well donít just stand there you idiot! Go get Rachel and go to the hospital! Weíre right behind you!
(Ross rushes out)
Chandler: Whereís Joey?
Phoebe: Heís down at the set. Weíll call him from the cab.
Monica: Theyíre having a baby! Theyíre having a baby!
Chandler: You didnít put a spell on her did you?
Phoebe: No, sheís just naturally annoying.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel is waiting patiently for Ross)
Rachel (VO): This isnít so bad. My water broke. I feel fine. Thereís no pain. (she has a small contraction) In Godís name, what the hell was that? Where in the hell is Ross?!
(Ross rushes into the apartment)
Ross: Are you ready?
Rachel: No, Iím just standing here with my suitcases for the fun of it.
Ross: Why do you have more than one suitcase? Youíre going to the hospital, not on vacation.
Rachel: One has clothes in it and the other has my toiletries. Why are you staring at me like that? I just wanna look good when I come home.
Ross: Whatever. Iíve got a cab waiting for us downstairs.
Rachel: Weíre taking a cab?
Ross: Sorry honey, I didnít have time to line up a limo on such short notice.
PHOEBEíS CAB (Phoebe, Monica and Chandler are going to the hospital)
Chandler (to Monica): Have you ever been in Phoebeís cab before?
Monica: Once, when we ran out of gas on the way to Rachelís sisterís cabin. What are the pillows for again? (Phoebe slams on the brakes and Chandler and Monica lunge forward, crashing into the glass) Never mind.
Phoebe: Watch where youíre going you bastard!
Chandler: Ah Pheebs, itís a red light. He has the right-of-way, you donĎt.
Phoebe: Oh. Iíd apologize to him but heís going out of our way.
Monica: I really donít think he heard you anyway Pheebs.
Chandler: We have to call Joey and let him know that the babyĎs on its way.
Phoebe: We could wait until we get to the hospital. Itís not like Rachelís going to be having the baby any time soon.
Monica: Letís call him. Give me your cell phone Chandler.
Chandler: Iím not giving you the phone! Itís my phone and Joeyís my friend. Iím calling him.
Monica: Give me the phone now!
Phoebe: Am I gonna have to stop this car and separate you two?! You donít want me to come back there!
Chandler: Iím calling Joey!
Monica: No youĎre not! I called it first!
Chandler: Weíre not 11! What are you gonna do?! Sit on me?!
Monica: What did I say about making fat jokes gay boy?!
(Phoebe slams on the brakes again. The phone flies into the front seat)
Phoebe: Enough! Iím calling Joey!
Chandler: Give me the phone Phoebe!
Phoebe: Too late, Iíve already dialed.
Chandler (to Monica): Sheís dialing, sheís using my phone!
Monica: I wanted to call Joey!
Phoebe: Joey? (pause) Hi Joey, itís me. Could you hold on a minute? (to Chandler and Monica who are bickering in the back) You two knock it off before I give you something to cry about! (to Joey) Sorry honey, the kids were acting up again. (pause) I know we donít have kids Joey. (pause) I realize that. (pause) But I was just referring to Chandler and Monica. (pause) Yes, I realize that theyíre grown adults. (pause) Joey? Joey? Shut up for a minute Joey! (pause) You need to get to the hospital, Rachelís having her baby. (pause) Yes, right now. (pause) No, I donít think they can make Rachel hold it in until you get there. (pause) I donít know if you can leave the set, youíll have to ask to be excused. (pause) Youíre a man Joey, figure it out for yourself. (pause) Love you too. (to Chandler and Monica) Now no more peeps out of either of you or I wonít buy you ice cream at the hospital.
MT SINAI HOSPITAL (Ross and Rachel have arrived)
Rachel: Get me a wheelchair.
Rachel: Because Iím in labor and I donít want the baby to shoot out onto the floor!
Ross: Youíre having a baby?
Rachel: No, Iíve been harvesting a watermelon in my uterus for fun of it for the past nine months!
Ross (gets the wheelchair): Here you go. Letís get you checked in. (goes to the front desk) Hi. My wife and I are here to check in.
Receptionist: Check in for what?
Ross (to Rachel): Check in for what?
Rachel: IĎm having a baby you idiot!
Ross: Sheís having a baby.
Receptionist: I heard her. I think the entire maternity ward heard her. Here, fill these out and weíll bring your wife to her room.
Ross (to Rachel): TheyĎre gonna put you in your room. Do you want me to call your family?
Rachel: Could you?
Ross: Sure. What should I tell them?
Rachel: What do you mean ďwhat should I tell themĒ? Iím having a baby!
Ross: Right. Iíll be in in a few minutes.
(cut to Rachel and the nurse)
Nurse: Is your husband ok?
Rachel: I just think heís freaking out.
Nurse: I hope so, Ďcause when you lose your memory like that you normally have a brain tumor or something.
(Ross goes over to the phone and calls his parents)
Ross: Mom? (pause) Yeah, itís Ross. (pause) Iím fine. How are you? (pause) Really? Dad shot himself in the knee with a nail gun? (pause) Arenít you gonna take him to the hospital? (pause) Oh, thatís where you were getting ready to go to when the phone rang. You should take him to Mt. Sinai. (pause) Because Rachel and I are here. (pause) I donít know why weíre here, but Rachel seems to be in a lot of discomfort. (pause) Yeah, now that you mention it, I think sheís having our baby. (pause) Ok, weíll see you when you get here.
(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe arrive)
Monica: Did you call Mom and Dad?
Ross: Yeah, theyíre on their way here. Dad shot himself in the knee with a nail gun. Apparently the nail is imbedded in his fibula.
Chandler: Howíd he do that?
Ross: I dunno. Mom didnít say.
Phoebe: So why are you here again Ross?
Ross: I dunno. All I know is that Rachelís in with the doctor. She said something about her water breaking, whatever that means.
Phoebe (to Chandler & Monica): See I told you the spell would work. Heís now dumber than Joey.
Chandler: Now thatís one thing I thought would be impossible to accomplish.
(cut to an hour later - Ross in is with Rachel)
Ross: How are you doing there honey?
Rachel: Iím alright. The doctor says that Iím at 3 centimeters.
Ross: Whatís that mean?
Rachel: That Iíve got seven centimeters to go before I can have our baby.
Ross: Is that why weíre here? Iíve been trying to figure that out for the last hour.
Ross: Nothing. I just forgot why weíre here. I wonít forget again, I promise.
Rachel: Maybe you should go down to Neurology and have them examine your brain. You keep asking me why weíre here. If you do it again, Iím gonna reach down your throat and pull out your heart.
(cut to the waiting room)
Phoebe: Well, one hour down and seventeen to go.
Monica: Rachelís curse last eighteen hours? Thatís one mean curse.
Phoebe: Yeah, you should wait until you get pregnant, your labor will go on for days.
Monica: Thatís not gonna happen because Iím having a C-Section.
Phoebe: Thatís what you think.
Chandler: Shouldnít Joey be here by now?
Monica: Maybe he went to the wrong hospital.
(The Greens arrive, including Jill and Laura. A half hour has passed)
Mrs. Green: Whereís Rachel? Did she have the baby yet?
Phoebe: No, sheís got sixteen and half hours of labor to go.
Dr. Green: Whoís in there with her?
Dr. Green: Whereís the Doctor?
Chandler: Duh, Ross is in there. He is Dr. Geller after all.
Dr. Green: Leave the stupid jokes to a comedian Chandler. Now where is the Doctor?
Monica: Sheís been in and out of Rachelís room for the past hour and a half. Last we heard, Rachel was at 3 centimeters.
Jill: I told you we didnít have to rush here.
Laura: Youíre just mad because you had to cancel your date with Sergio.
Jill: Iím not mad about that. I donít even like Sergio. I was right in the middle of doing something when Mom called.
Laura: What were you doing?
Jill: Letís just say that I was doing something that 90% of the population does and the other 10% lie and say they donít.
Mrs. Green: You were, you were masturÖyou wereÖ.
Jill: Yeah Mom, I was getting it on with the toy that you gave me for my birthday.
Laura: Thatís gross! Get yourself a man for Peteís sake!
Dr. Green: Knock it off you two. This is a hospital, not a bordello. Monica, can we see Rachel?
Monica: I donít know. Ross has come out yet to say whether she wants to see all of us or not.
Ross: Hey! Rachelís doing fine. She said sheíll see a couple of you at a time. She wants to see her parents first.
Dr. Green: Lead the way son.
Ross: Did you just call me son?
Dr. Green: I guess I did. Now lead the way Dr. Wethead.
Mrs. Green: Oh sweetie, you look so beautiful.
Rachel: Have you been taking the drugs that are meant for me again Mom?
Dr. Green: Are they treating you ok honey?
Rachel: Yeah Dad. Iím comfortable, Dr. Newer is the best and Ross has been so supportive.
Ross: Thatís right sweetie. Iím here for you. Weíll get through this hernia operation just fine.
Ross: I said weíll get through this hernia operation just fine.
Dr. Green: Whatís the matter with you? Sheís having a baby for Christís sake!
Rachel: Ross, go get Monica.
Ross: Ok. Do you want me to do anything else?
Rachel: Yeah, stay away from me until after the baby is born! I canít believe you keep forgetting that Iím having our baby!
Ross (unfazed by RachelĎs comment): Ok, Iíll go get Monica. I love you Rach.
Mrs. Green: Whatís with Ross Rachel?
Rachel: I donít know Mom. He just keeps forgetting why weíre here. Heís driving me crazy.
Dr. Green: Maybe I should talk to him.
Mrs. Green: That would be nice Leonard. I guess I was wrong, there is an unselfish part of you.
(cut to the waiting room)
Monica: Whatís up?
Ross: Rachel wants to see you.
Monica: Ok. Letís go.
Ross: She doesnít want to see me.
Monica: Why not?
Ross: Sheís mad at me. I canít seem to remember why weíre here. I thought we were here for her hernia operation, but I was wrong. Now I canít see her until after the baby is born. Did you know that sheís pregnant?
Monica: Iíll go in in a minute. Phoebe, can I talk to you in private for a moment?
Phoebe (knowing what she wants): No, you canít. I busy waiting for my husband to arrive.
Monica: Now Phoebe!
Phoebe (to Chandler): Now I understand why youíre not much of a man. She really is a domineering bitch.
(Phoebe goes over to Monica)
Jill (to Chandler): Whatís that all about?
Chandler: How am I supposed to know? I donít have a vagina.
Laura: But arenít you gay?
Chandler: I am not gay! Iím married to Monica! See, hereís my wedding ring!
Laura: I see you canít take a joke.
(cut to Phoebe and Monica)
Monica: Youíve got to break Rossís spell.
Phoebe: I canít do that.
Monica: You have to! Rachel doesnít want him to be present when the babyís born thanks to you and your stupid spell!
Phoebe: Hey, for your information, I didnít think it would work.
Monica: Well it did and now Rachelís banned him from the room!
Phoebe: Ok, Iíll try to reverse it but Iím gonna need some help.
Monica: What do you need?
Phoebe: Well I have almost everything I need in my purse.
Monica: In your purse?
Phoebe: Sure, I carry everything in there.
Monica: What do you need?
Phoebe: The most important part, I need the semen of a righteous man.
Monica: Iíll get Chandler.
Phoebe: No, it has to be a man.
Monica: Well Chandler is the closest thing to a man around here at the moment.
(cut to Rachelís room - The Greens are leaving to go back to the waiting room)
Mrs. Green: Weíll be in to check on you later honey. Remember, if the pain gets to be unbearable, thatís what the drugs are for.
Rachel: Thanks Mom.
Dr. Green: Is Dr. Newerís first name Maureen?
Rachel: Yeah Dad, I think it is.
Dr. Green: Well we have to get you a new doctor then.
Dr. Green: Dr. Newerís a lesbian.
Dr. Green: So, no lesbian is bringing my granddaughter into this world.
Mrs. Green: Leonard, thatís not nice.
Dr. Green: We canít have a lesbian deliver our granddaughter.
Rachel: Dad, I love you, but if you say one more bad thing about Dr. Newer, youíll never see your granddaughter.
Dr. Green: Are you talking back to me young lady?
Rachel: Yes I am. Dr. Newer is an excellent doctor and I donít care that sheís a lesbian. I, unlike you, have an open mind. Dr. Newer is delivering this baby whether you like it or not. Now please leave and get Monica in here!
(Dr. Green leaves)
Mrs. Green: Iím impressed Rachel, standing up to your father like that. Youíve come a long way since youíve moved to City. Iím really proud of you.
Rachel: Thanks Mom. Now get the heck out of here.
(cut to the waiting room - Monica, Chandler and Phoebe are together in a corner)
Chandler: I donít care, Iím not contributing to a cup.
Monica: Come on Chandler, heís your brother-in-law, heíd do it for you.
Chandler: He would not! I am not doing it.
Phoebe: I told you he wasnít a man.
Chandler: That has nothing to do with it Phoebe. Thereís got to be a better reason then to just help someone break a spell.
Monica: How does no sex for a month sit with you? I guarantee youíll be doing that by yourself for the next month if you donít do this for Rossís sake now.
Chandler: Youíre bribing me?
Monica: Yes. And Iím not kidding around either. Will you contribute or not?
Chandler: Fine, give me the cup.
Joey: Hey guys. Whatís up? Howís Rachel?
Phoebe: Rachelís fine. Sheís still in the early stages.
Joey (Chandler): Why do you have a pee cup? Are they doing random drug testing?
Monica: Chandlerís helping Phoebe break her spell on Ross.
Joey: Ah yes, the semen of a righteous man thing.
Chandler: You know about this?
Joey: Yeah, Phoebe told me about the spell she put on Ross a couple of days ago. Thatís a good thing youíre doing there man, Ross is lucky to have a friend like you.
Chandler: Here, why donít you do it?
Joey: Because I only have sex with women, not cups.
(the Gellers arrive. Mr. Geller is in a wheelchair)
Monica: Mom, Dad. Itís great to see you.
Mrs. Geller: You know, it should be you thatís having a baby. Youíve been married to Chandler longer than Ross and Rachel have been married.
Monica: Itís good to see you to Mom. How you doing Dad?
Mr. Geller: Morphine is a wonderful thing. I canít feel my leg.
Joey: What happened?
Mr. Geller: I was fixing the porch swing and when I leaned over to pick up a nail, the nail gun went off and imbedded itself in my leg. Check out this X-ray.
(Mr. Geller holds up his X-Ray which shows a nail imbedded in his fibula)
Joey: Wow! Thatís really cool!
Mrs. Geller: Yes, Jack is very proud of making an ass out of himself. He definitely pulled a Monica.
Mrs. Geller: Yes dear?
Monica: You promised you wouldnít use that term anymore!
Joey: Whereís Ross?
Jill: Heís down the hallway talking with my father.
(cut to down the hallway)
Dr. Green: Are you alright Ross?
Ross: Iím fine Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: Do you know why youíre here?
Ross: Sure, Rachelís getting a boob job.
Dr. Green: Whatís the matter with you you idiot? Sheís having a baby, not getting a boob job! Have you been smoking dope or something?
Ross: No sir. I just keep having memory lapses. I donít know why either. Itís one of the most important days in our life together, and I keep forgetting why.
(cut to Phoebe and Monica)
Phoebe: Whatís taking him so long?
Monica: I knew I shouldíve gone in there with him. When heís by himself he lasts all day. Iím there, boom, itís over before it even started.
(Chandler emerges from the bathroom)
Phoebe: Thanks Chandler. Ok Mon, the spell will be broken in five minutes. I just have to mix everything together.
Monica: Yeah, you go do that by yourself, thatís one thing I donít want to see.
(cut to down the hallway to Ross and Dr. Green - five minutes later)
Dr. Green: Look Ross, youíve got to pull yourself together.
Ross: I know, Rachelís having our baby. Itís been great talking with you but I have to get to Rachel. (Ross goes to leave) Wait a minute! I remembered why Iím here! Rachelís having our baby!
Dr. Green: I guess my little pep talk worked.
Ross: Whatever it was, itís gone. (hugging Dr. Green) Thanks Dr. Green. (Ross starts to walk away)
Dr. Green: Ross?
Dr. Green: Donít ever hug me again in public.
RACHELíS ROOM (Two hours later. Rachel is growing impatient. Ross enters)
Rachel: What did I tell you about coming in here?
Ross: What? The father canít see his little baby girl be born?
Rachel: You remember!
Ross: Yeah. Howís it going?
Rachel: This is taking forever. I think somebody put a curse on me or something.
Ross: Iíll be right back.
Rachel: Whereíre you going?
Ross: To see if we can speed this process up.
Rachel: Dr. Newer said theyíve done everything they can.
Ross: No, Iím going to see Phoebe.
Rachel: Yeah, like Phoebe has anything to do with me being in labor.
TO BE CONTINUED