MT SINAI HOSPITAL (The Waiting Room. The Greens, The Gellers, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are present)

Chandler: I am so bored.

Joey: Me too. Do you wanna play….

Chandler: No, I don‘t wanna play strip poker with you.

Joey: You’re no fun. You know, Phoebe plays with me all the time.

Chandler: Joey, I’m gonna explain this once. Phoebe’s a girl. I’m a boy. Who would you rather see naked?

Joey: Phoebe.

Chandler: Then why don’t you ask her if she wants to play strip poker.

Joey: You’re one smart dude. No one ever explained the point of the game to me before. Thanks man.

Chandler: Anytime moron.

RACHEL’S ROOM (Ross and Rachel are present)

Ross: My parents want to see you. Is that ok?

Rachel: I don’t care. How many more people want to see me?

Ross: Well your parents and Monica have, but that’s about it.

Rachel: Then bring in the rest now.

Ross: Isn’t that gonna be a little overwhelming?

Rachel: No. What’s overwhelming is the fact that Alexa won’t come meet the world.

Ross: I’ll go get everyone.

Ross (to male nurse): Excuse me? Do you know what happened to the party of people that were hear for the Geller baby?

Nurse: Yeah, they all went home. Visiting hours are over.

Ross: But visiting hours were over two hours ago, and they were still here. Now, where did they go?

Nurse: Look pal, I’m a nurse, not a tour guide. Why don’t you go find them yourself?

Ross: Maybe I will then. (Ross just stands there)

Nurse: Well what are you waiting for?

Ross: Actually, it’s better this way. Thanks for your help.

Nurse: Whatever.

(Ross goes back into Rachel’s room)

Rachel: Well? Where’s everyone?

Ross: I don’t know. Maybe they all went home.

Rachel (filling with tears): You’re saying everyone abandoned me?

Ross: No honey, I think they just went to get something to eat. You’ve been in labor for over nine hours now. They’re all probably just hungry.

(The door to the room swings open - but no one walks in)

Woman: I heard someone I knew was having a baby in here. Don’t worry nurse, it’s my twin sister.

Man: How many times do I have to tell you honey that I’m not the father?

Rachel (to Ross): Where do I know those voices from?

Jennifer: How about from Los Angeles?

Rachel: Jennifer! Brad! What are you guys doing here?

Brad: Ross called us right after you were admitted. We weren’t doing anything so we hopped a flight. Where’s everyone else?

Ross: They heard you were coming and ran away. Honey, I’m gonna find out where everyone went. I’ll be back soon.

Rachel: Take your time. It’s not like I’m gonna deliver this baby in the next ten minutes.

(Ross leaves)

Jennifer: So how are you really doing?

Rachel: It hasn’t been that bad. But then again, it’s taking forever for me to dilate to ten centimeters. I feel like I’m running a marathon. I can see the finish line, but it keeps getting further and further away.

Brad: Yeah, Phoebe was telling me about that the last time I visited.

Rachel: Telling you about what?

Brad: How she put this spell on you.

Jennifer: Did you have too much to drink on the plane again?

Brad: I’m serious. Phoebe was telling me that she put a spell on Rachel because Rachel abandoned her when she was pregnant. Something about Rachel going to London to tell Ross the she loved him. Anyway, Phoebe said that Rachel’s labor would be like running a marathon. I didn’t believe her, but seeing you now, I guess it worked.

Rachel (mad): If I could get out of this bed, I’d kill her!

Jennifer: Do you want me to get back at her for you?

Rachel: You’d do that for me?

Jennifer: Of course. I love messing with people.

(cut to the cafeteria - Ross, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are present)

Ross: Why’d you guys leave like that? Rachel thinks you abandoned her.

Joey: Hey, I can’t help it if I got hungry. I gotta eat you know. If I miss a meal I start acting stupid.

Chandler: I guess you’ve been missing a lot of meals for most of your life.

Phoebe: Hey! Only I am allowed to insult Joey!

Monica: How’s she doing?

Ross: She’s fine. She’s frustrated but fine. Oh, Jennifer and Brad showed up.

Monica: Brad’s here?

Chandler: Apparently and so is your husband.

Monica: Would you stop? It’s not like I want to sleep with Brad.

Phoebe: Yeah right. You’d drop your drawers if he asked you to.

Monica: Yeah, you’re right.

Phoebe: Of course I am, I’d do the same thing.

Joey: Hey, you only drop your drawers for me and the guys I approve of.

Chandler: Well I’d get it on with Jennifer if she asked me to.

Monica: I’ll take those odds.

Chandler: You don’t think I could seduce Jennifer?

Monica: You could seduce Brad before you could seduce Jennifer.

Joey: That’s true. Chandler’s got a way with men. It must be genetic.

Phoebe: I agree. Chandler could totally seduce Brad.

Chandler: You guys suck. Ok Mon, I’ll bet you a $100 that I can get Jennifer to be my back-up before Rachel has her baby.

Monica: You’re on. And hey, I’ll bet you the same $100 that I can get Brad to be my back-up.

Joey: My money’s on Monica.

Phoebe: You’ve got nine hours left Chandler. You better get started.

Ross: I can’t believe you guys! Rachel’s in labor and you’re plotting ways to ruin a perfectly good marriage!

Chandler: We’re not ruining anything Ross. We’re just fooling around. Look Mon, the only rule is that we can’t tell Brad and Jennifer what we’re doing. Deal?

Monica: Consider you’re money mine then.

Chandler: Yeah, we’ll see.

Ross: So I take it that none of you wants to see Rachel?

Phoebe/Joey: I do.

Ross: Let’s go then. Wait, where’re my parents and the Greens?

Monica: They took Dad to his room. He was really tired from all the drugs they gave him. They said they’d be up after Rachel had the baby.

Phoebe: And the Greens went to the gift shop.

Ross: Laura and Jill too?

Joey: No, they picked up some doctors while we were in the waiting room. They went out for the night.

Chandler: That’s typical of Laura and Jill, their sister’s in labor and they’re out cavorting with Doctors.

Ross: How are you doing honey?

Rachel: I’m alright. The contractions really haven’t started yet, so I can’t complain.

Phoebe: Trust me, you’ll be complaining in about eight hours, that’s for sure.

Rachel: Yeah Phoebe, about that, when I get my strength back, I’m gonna shove this IV bag up your ass!

Phoebe: What did I do?!

Rachel: Yeah, Brad told me all about the stupid spell you put on me! If I could kick your ass right now, I would!

Phoebe: Hey, it’s not my fault you abandoned me to go to London!

Rachel: I told you why I had to go! I was in love with Ross!

Phoebe: And I told you he was in love with Emily! You went all the way to London to tell him that you loved him only to chicken out when you got there! Mean while you’re pregnant friend was so helpless that the chick and the duck didn’t eat for three days!

Joey: You didn’t feed the chick and the duck for three days! Who are you? Satan?

Phoebe: Not now Joey.

Rachel: Why don’t you just get the hell out of here Phoebe! I don’t wanna see you anymore!

Phoebe: Good luck on the delivery. I love you.

Rachel: Get out! You too Joey!

Joey: What did I do?!

Rachel: You were stupid enough to marry her!

Joey: That’s the last time I’m missing a meal.

(Phoebe and Joey leave)

Rachel (to Ross): Where’re your parents?

Ross: Dad shot himself in the knee with a nail gun earlier today. My Mom took him to his room. He’s really drugged up on pain medication. They said they’ll come see you after the baby’s born.

Rachel: He shot himself with a nail gun?

Ross: Yeah, but he’s ok.

Rachel: That must’ve hurt.

Ross: You should see the X-ray. The nail was completely imbedded in his fibula.

Rachel: Wow. He really defined the meaning of getting nailed.

Monica: So how was your flight?

Jennifer: It went fast.

Brad: We’ll we were in the bathroom for an hour.

Chandler: Bad food in first class?

Jennifer (laughing): No, we were doing something else.

Monica: Anyone want coffee?

Jennifer: No thanks.

Chandler: Yeah, could you get me some?

Brad: I want some too. I’ll go with you Monica.

Monica: Ok. I only have a $100 bill, do you have anything smaller?

Brad: Yeah, I‘ve got it covered.

(Brad and Monica leave)

Chandler: So Jen, how are things?

Jennifer: Pretty good. I got the lead in a new movie that’s scheduled for release in 2003.

Chandler: What’s it called?

Jennifer: Terminator 3.

Chandler: Seriously? You get to act with Arnold?

Jennifer: No, I‘m just kidding. The movie still is untitled. It’s another independent film like
The Good Girl was.

Chandler: Do you get naked in it?

Jennifer: Why do all my guy friends ask me that? Do you really wanna see me naked?

Chandler (sheepishly): I guess.

Jennifer: Well let’s get it over with. Let’s go find an empty room.

Chandler: I can’t do that. Monica would kill me.

Jennifer: Do you wanna see me nude or not?

Chandler: Well I’ve seen Rachel partially nude and she looks just like you, so I’ll just imagine that. (closes his eyes) See, yeah, your boobies are as nice as Rachel’s.

Jennifer: No, I really think you should see the real thing. I don’t take care of this body for the fun of it.

Chandler: How about this instead?

Jennifer: What?

Chandler: If Brad were to ever die and you didn‘t find anyone after say five years, then you and I would get married. Then I’d get to see you naked all the time.

Jennifer: What about Monica?

Chandler: Well she’d have to be dead too. But at the rate she’s going, she’s gonna die long before Brad will.

Jennifer: Why do you say that?

Chandler: ‘Cause I’ll probably pull an OJ and get rid of her myself.

Jennifer: That sounds good. I could always use a good back-up.

Chandler: You’ll do it?

Jennifer: Heck yeah. A girl needs to know that she has a man who wants her if her first true love was to die or in your case, murdered.

(Brad and Monica return)

Monica (to Chandler): Here you go honey.

Chandler: Thanks sweetie.

Jennifer: Did you guys have a nice talk?

Brad: Yeah, we spent the entire time making fun of Chandler.

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Come on honey, it’s all in good fun.

Jennifer: Well Chandler and I have an announcement to make.

Monica: Oh?

Jennifer: If both of you were to die, Chandler and I are gonna get married. (Monica drops her coffee - let’s just say she’s very surprised)

Monica: Excuse me? Run that by me again.

Jennifer: If you and Brad both kick the bucket, then Chandler and I will get married. I guess you’d consider him my marriage back-up.

Brad: Hey, that’s just like the arrangement I have with Rachel. If Ross and Jen croak, then Rachel and I will get married.

Monica: No!

Brad (to Monica): Are you ok?

Monica: I‘m fine. I just stubbed my toe. You know, toe!

Chandler: It sounded like no.

Monica: Shut up gay boy.

Chandler: Don’t call me that you dyke.

Brad: Stop with the insults, you know what happened the last time you two did that.

Jennifer: What happened?

Brad: I had to mediate their fight.

Monica: Are you forgetting something?

Brad: What?

Monica: I showed you how to smooth things over with Jennifer.

Jennifer: That was your idea? The whole rose petals and wine deal?

Monica: Yup.

Jennifer (to Brad): And here I was under the impression that you thought of that all by yourself.

Phoebe: Come on Joey, that was four years ago. The chick and the duck are fine. They’re healthy and they love me. We play hide-n-seek together every day. None of your other friends would do that.

Joey: You didn’t feed them for three days! They could have died you know!

Phoebe: Well if one of them had gotten really hungry then it would’ve been survival of the fittest.

Joey: What does that mean?

Phoebe: Well the duck would’ve eaten the chick if he was really hungry.

Joey: You’re sick!

Phoebe: Yeah, that’s what people love about me.

Rachel: How far apart are they now?

Ross: About a minute.

Rachel: Where’s Dr. Newer?

Ross: She’s on her way.

Rachel: From where?

Ross: I didn’t ask.

(Dr. Newer enters)

Dr. Newer: How’s my favorite patient doing?

Rachel: Just get this thing out of me!

Dr. Newer: That well. Ok, let’s see how were doing in the southern hemisphere. Yup, just what I suspected.

Ross: What’s that?

Dr. Newer: Rachel’s at seven centimeters.

Rachel: What does that mean?

Dr. Newer: That you’re not dilating fast enough. We’re gonna have to try to speed things up a bit.

Rachel: Can’t you just reach up there and yank her out?

Dr. Newer: No. But I can give you some more drugs to try to induce labor.

Rachel: Yeah, drugs are good.

Dr. Newer: There’s only one problem.

Rachel: Now what?

Dr. Newer: I guess I just realized that I should’ve done that hours ago. Oh well, I’ll go get the drugs.

(Dr. Newer leaves)

Rachel: I want a new doctor Ross. She doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Ross: How can you say that? Dr. Newer’s been a great doctor.

Rachel: Go find me a new doctor now!

Ross: Ok, ok. I’ll see what I can do.

Jennifer: So Joey, how’s married life treating you?

Joey: Ok. It’s really put a cramp on my lifestyle. I don’t have as much meaningless sex anymore.

Phoebe: You can say that again.

Jennifer: So I hear you can date even though you’re married.

Joey: Yeah, but women see my ring and run the other way.

Phoebe: That’s because you keep using the duck’s shampoo as cologne.

Joey: Would you shut up? I’m trying to talk to Jennifer.

Phoebe: Eat me.

Joey: I already did that today.

Jennifer: You know, the funny thing is, Brad and I have a similar agreement. I can date other men that he approves of.

Joey: Really?

Jennifer: Really. Wanna go get some coffee?

Joey: Yeah.

Jennifer: And then maybe we can find an open room and you can show me your equipment.

Joey: Are you sure Brad’s ok with this?

Brad: Doesn’t bother me at all. You’re a guy I approve of.

Jennifer: Ready?

Joey: Heck yeah!

(Jennifer and Joey get up and walk away)

Monica: What just happened?

Chandler: Apparently Jennifer and Joey are gonna go get coffee and then Joey’s gonna show Jennifer his equipment.

Phoebe: Equipment?

Monica: His thing Phoebe. His thing.

Phoebe: Oh my God! Where’d they go?

Brad: What’s the problem Phoebe?

Phoebe: I can’t have your wife getting it on with my husband! I’ve got to stop this!

Monica: Then you better get to coffee shop.

Phoebe: Where’s it at?

Brad: Down the hall and to the left.

(Phoebe races off)

Monica: How was that?

Brad: Phoebe doesn’t even know what hit her.

Chandler: Like you’d really let Jennifer sleep with Joey.

Brad: As if. The only person I’d let Jennifer sleep with is you Chandler.

Chandler: Seriously? Why?

Brad: Because deep down we all know that you’re really gay.

Rachel: I don’t feel so good.

Dr. Newer: It’s just the drugs. They can make you a little queasy.

Rachel: I think I’m gonna throw up.

Dr. Newer: Here’s a basin.

(Rachel gets sick as Ross enters)

Ross: Ok, I‘m wishing that I didn’t have that pretzel five minutes ago. Are you ok Rach?

Rachel: Do I look ok? (Rachel winces in pain) Ow!

Dr. Newer: Contraction?

Rachel (panting): A very big one.

Dr. Newer (looking between Rachel’s legs): Ok, it looks like we’re ready. You’re fully dilated. If you want anyone from the waiting room in here, you’d better go get them Ross.

Ross: Who do you want Rachel?

Rachel: Does it look like I care?!

Ross: I’ll be right back. Don’t push yet Rachel.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Right, wrong thing to say.

(Ross leaves for the waiting room)

Chandler: What time is it?

Monica: It’s four in the morning.

Chandler: Crap, I’ve got to be to work in like four hours.

Monica: Like you were even gonna go to work this morning. I saw your secret calendar. It said “call in sick today”.

Chandler: You know about that?

Brad: And you wonder why we make fun of you.

(Ross comes out)

Ross: She’s started pushing.

Chandler: Funny, I thought she started labor seventeen hours ago. What in the hell have we been sitting around for if she just started pushing?

Ross: Do you wanna come in or not?

Brad/Monica/Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Do you think she bought it?

Jennifer: Yeah, she should be here any minute now.

Joey: Should we kiss for effect?

Jennifer: Let me put it this way, you try to kiss me and I’ll deck you.

Joey: Gotcha.

(Phoebe approaches)

Phoebe: Joey, can I see you for a minute?

Joey: No. I’m on a date with Jennifer. Go away.

Phoebe: Joseph Tribbiani, you come see me right now!

Jennifer: I’ll be waiting for you Joey.

(Joey and Phoebe move out into the hall)

Phoebe: What do you think you’re doing?

Joey: I told you, I’m on a date with Jennifer. We’re gonna finish our coffee and then go have sex. Do you wanna join us?

Phoebe: I don’t wanna join you! I want you to be faithful to your wife!

Joey: Hey, you said I could sleep with other people if I wanted to.

Phoebe: I didn’t know that you’d be sleeping with beautiful movie stars!

Joey: Then I guess you don’t know me very well. Look, we can talk about this later. I have to get back to Jennifer.

Phoebe (breaking down to tears): Don’t do this Joey! I love you!

Joey: I love you too Pheebs.

(Jennifer emerges from the coffee shop)

Jennifer: I guess this joke went a little too far, eh Joey?

Joey: Yeah. I think so.

Phoebe: This was a joke?

Jennifer: Yeah, like I’d ever sleep with Joey. We were just getting you back for placing that spell on Rachel.

Phoebe: You guys are so mean!

Joey: We’re mean? You put an eighteen hour labor curse on Rachel!

Phoebe (looking at her watch): Oh my God! We’ve got to get back. Rachel should be in full labor by now.

Jennifer: How do you know?

Phoebe: ’Cause the eighteen hours are up! It’s baby time!

Dr. Newer: That’s good Rachel. Keep breathing, nice deep breaths.

Rachel (to Ross): You are to never touch me again!

Ross: I love you too sweetie.

Chandler (peering between Rachel‘s legs): Wow Rachel, you really do a nice job shaving down there.

Rachel: Thanks Chandler. Now get out!

Chandler: But I want to stay!

Rachel: Get him out of here Ross!

Ross: You better go wait outside.

Chandler: But….

Ross: She’s in charge man. She wants you out. So go.

Chandler: If I knew that was gonna happen I would’ve stayed home with Monica. She’s always bossing me around.

Monica: Get out Chandler!

(Chandler leaves as Joey, Jennifer and Phoebe enter)

Joey: Where’s Chandler going?

Ross: Rachel kicked him out.

Joey (peering between Rachel’s legs): Gee Rach, I didn’t know you shaved down there.

Rachel: Does anyone else want to critique my pubic hair?!

Phoebe: Now that you mention it, I really like the heart shape design.

Rachel: Get them out of here Ross!

Ross: You heard the lady. Joey, Phoebe, you’ve been evicted.

Joey: What’d we do?!

Monica: You looked between Rachel’s legs and commented on her pubic hair. You don’t pass go and you go directly to jail.

Phoebe: But I wanna stay!

Ross: So did Chandler, now get out.

(Joey and Phoebe leave)

Brad (to Jennifer): Isn’t this amazing? One of our close friends is having a baby.

Jennifer: Yeah, you’re not allowed to touch me anymore either.

Ross: Come on Rach, you can do it. Push, push.

Dr. Newer: I see the head. Ok, stop pushing for a moment.

Rachel: Can you yank her out now? I want this to be over with!

Dr. Newer: Ok Rachel, one more big push.

Rachel: Ow!

Ross: That’s it Rach, that’s it. You’re almost done!

Dr. Newer: Stop pushing. There. Nurse, could you clip the cord? (nurse does so) Thanks. Here’s your little baby girl. (handing the baby to a crying Rachel)

Ross: You did it Rachel! You did it!

Rachel: We did it!

Monica: I want one of those so bad. Where’s Chandler? I want him now.

(Monica leaves)

Jennifer (to Brad): I hear there’s an empty room down the hall.

Brad: What happened to the no touching rule? (Jennifer whispers something in Brad’s ear) Oh, then we better correct that.

(Jennifer and Brad leave)

Dr. Newer: Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Geller. I’ll be back in a few moments.

(Dr. Newer leaves - now only Ross and Rachel are present)

Ross: Look at baby Alexa. She’s so tiny. I wish Ben were here to see his baby sister.

Rachel: Who’s Alexa?

Ross: I thought we were naming the baby Alexa.

Rachel: No, the baby’s name is Caitlin.

Ross: But I thought we were naming the baby…..(pause) Caitlin, I really like that name.

Chandler (to Monica): You owe me a $100.

Monica: For what?

Chandler: You didn’t get Brad to be your back-up. I got Jennifer, you didn’t get Brad, you owe me $100.

Monica: Fine, here. (hands him a $100 bill)

Brad: You bet him a $100 that you could get me to agree to be your marriage back-up?

Monica: Yeah, but with all the excitement, I forgot to carry through. It doesn’t matter anyway.

Brad: Why not?

Monica: The $100 I just gave him was his to begin with.

Ross: You weren’t serious about never wanting to have sex with me again were you?

Rachel: Ask me that after I’ve had a good night’s sleep and my uterus goes back to normal. You wouldn’t like my answer right now.

Ross: You did great. I love you.

Rachel: I love you too. Could you take her for a minute?

Ross: Sure. Are you ok? (Ross looks at Rachel who has fallen asleep) Look at that Caitlin, you’ve tired Mommy out already.