THE ONE WITH THE BIRTH - PART II

 

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

MT SINAI HOSPITAL (The Waiting Room. The Greens, The Gellers, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are present)

Chandler: I am so bored.

Joey: Me too. Do you wanna playÖ.

Chandler: No, I donĎt wanna play strip poker with you.

Joey: Youíre no fun. You know, Phoebe plays with me all the time.

Chandler: Joey, Iím gonna explain this once. Phoebeís a girl. Iím a boy. Who would you rather see naked?

Joey: Phoebe.

Chandler: Then why donít you ask her if she wants to play strip poker.

Joey: Youíre one smart dude. No one ever explained the point of the game to me before. Thanks man.

Chandler: Anytime moron.

OPENING CREDITS

RACHELíS ROOM (Ross and Rachel are present)

Ross: My parents want to see you. Is that ok?

Rachel: I donít care. How many more people want to see me?

Ross: Well your parents and Monica have, but thatís about it.

Rachel: Then bring in the rest now.

Ross: Isnít that gonna be a little overwhelming?

Rachel: No. Whatís overwhelming is the fact that Alexa wonít come meet the world.

Ross: Iíll go get everyone.

(Ross leaves and goes into the waiting room - no oneís there)

Ross (to male nurse): Excuse me? Do you know what happened to the party of people that were hear for the Geller baby?

Nurse: Yeah, they all went home. Visiting hours are over.

Ross: But visiting hours were over two hours ago, and they were still here. Now, where did they go?

Nurse: Look pal, Iím a nurse, not a tour guide. Why donít you go find them yourself?

Ross: Maybe I will then. (Ross just stands there)

Nurse: Well what are you waiting for?

Ross: Actually, itís better this way. Thanks for your help.

Nurse: Whatever.

(Ross goes back into Rachelís room)

Rachel: Well? Whereís everyone?

Ross: I donít know. Maybe they all went home.

Rachel (filling with tears): Youíre saying everyone abandoned me?

Ross: No honey, I think they just went to get something to eat. Youíve been in labor for over nine hours now. Theyíre all probably just hungry.

(The door to the room swings open - but no one walks in)

Woman: I heard someone I knew was having a baby in here. Donít worry nurse, itís my twin sister.

Man: How many times do I have to tell you honey that Iím not the father?

Rachel (to Ross): Where do I know those voices from?

Jennifer: How about from Los Angeles?

Rachel: Jennifer! Brad! What are you guys doing here?

Brad: Ross called us right after you were admitted. We werenít doing anything so we hopped a flight. Whereís everyone else?

Ross: They heard you were coming and ran away. Honey, Iím gonna find out where everyone went. Iíll be back soon.

Rachel: Take your time. Itís not like Iím gonna deliver this baby in the next ten minutes.

(Ross leaves)

Jennifer: So how are you really doing?

Rachel: It hasnít been that bad. But then again, itís taking forever for me to dilate to ten centimeters. I feel like Iím running a marathon. I can see the finish line, but it keeps getting further and further away.

Brad: Yeah, Phoebe was telling me about that the last time I visited.

Rachel: Telling you about what?

Brad: How she put this spell on you.

Jennifer: Did you have too much to drink on the plane again?

Brad: Iím serious. Phoebe was telling me that she put a spell on Rachel because Rachel abandoned her when she was pregnant. Something about Rachel going to London to tell Ross the she loved him. Anyway, Phoebe said that Rachelís labor would be like running a marathon. I didnít believe her, but seeing you now, I guess it worked.

Rachel (mad): If I could get out of this bed, Iíd kill her!

Jennifer: Do you want me to get back at her for you?

Rachel: Youíd do that for me?

Jennifer: Of course. I love messing with people.

(cut to the cafeteria - Ross, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are present)

Ross: Whyíd you guys leave like that? Rachel thinks you abandoned her.

Joey: Hey, I canít help it if I got hungry. I gotta eat you know. If I miss a meal I start acting stupid.

Chandler: I guess youíve been missing a lot of meals for most of your life.

Phoebe: Hey! Only I am allowed to insult Joey!

Monica: Howís she doing?

Ross: Sheís fine. Sheís frustrated but fine. Oh, Jennifer and Brad showed up.

Monica: Bradís here?

Chandler: Apparently and so is your husband.

Monica: Would you stop? Itís not like I want to sleep with Brad.

Phoebe: Yeah right. Youíd drop your drawers if he asked you to.

Monica: Yeah, youíre right.

Phoebe: Of course I am, Iíd do the same thing.

Joey: Hey, you only drop your drawers for me and the guys I approve of.

Chandler: Well Iíd get it on with Jennifer if she asked me to.

Monica: Iíll take those odds.

Chandler: You donít think I could seduce Jennifer?

Monica: You could seduce Brad before you could seduce Jennifer.

Joey: Thatís true. Chandlerís got a way with men. It must be genetic.

Phoebe: I agree. Chandler could totally seduce Brad.

Chandler: You guys suck. Ok Mon, Iíll bet you a $100 that I can get Jennifer to be my back-up before Rachel has her baby.

Monica: Youíre on. And hey, Iíll bet you the same $100 that I can get Brad to be my back-up.

Joey: My moneyís on Monica.

Phoebe: Youíve got nine hours left Chandler. You better get started.

Ross: I canít believe you guys! Rachelís in labor and youíre plotting ways to ruin a perfectly good marriage!

Chandler: Weíre not ruining anything Ross. Weíre just fooling around. Look Mon, the only rule is that we canít tell Brad and Jennifer what weíre doing. Deal?

Monica: Consider youíre money mine then.

Chandler: Yeah, weíll see.

Ross: So I take it that none of you wants to see Rachel?

Phoebe/Joey: I do.

Ross: Letís go then. Wait, whereíre my parents and the Greens?

Monica: They took Dad to his room. He was really tired from all the drugs they gave him. They said theyíd be up after Rachel had the baby.

Phoebe: And the Greens went to the gift shop.

Ross: Laura and Jill too?

Joey: No, they picked up some doctors while we were in the waiting room. They went out for the night.

Chandler: Thatís typical of Laura and Jill, their sisterís in labor and theyíre out cavorting with Doctors.

(cut to Rachelís room - Ross, Phoebe, Joey and Rachel are present)

Ross: How are you doing honey?

Rachel: Iím alright. The contractions really havenít started yet, so I canít complain.

Phoebe: Trust me, youíll be complaining in about eight hours, thatís for sure.

Rachel: Yeah Phoebe, about that, when I get my strength back, Iím gonna shove this IV bag up your ass!

Phoebe: What did I do?!

Rachel: Yeah, Brad told me all about the stupid spell you put on me! If I could kick your ass right now, I would!

Phoebe: Hey, itís not my fault you abandoned me to go to London!

Rachel: I told you why I had to go! I was in love with Ross!

Phoebe: And I told you he was in love with Emily! You went all the way to London to tell him that you loved him only to chicken out when you got there! Mean while youíre pregnant friend was so helpless that the chick and the duck didnít eat for three days!

Joey: You didnít feed the chick and the duck for three days! Who are you? Satan?

Phoebe: Not now Joey.

Rachel: Why donít you just get the hell out of here Phoebe! I donít wanna see you anymore!

Phoebe: Good luck on the delivery. I love you.

Rachel: Get out! You too Joey!

Joey: What did I do?!

Rachel: You were stupid enough to marry her!

Joey: Thatís the last time Iím missing a meal.

(Phoebe and Joey leave)

Rachel (to Ross): Whereíre your parents?

Ross: Dad shot himself in the knee with a nail gun earlier today. My Mom took him to his room. Heís really drugged up on pain medication. They said theyíll come see you after the babyís born.

Rachel: He shot himself with a nail gun?

Ross: Yeah, but heís ok.

Rachel: That mustíve hurt.

Ross: You should see the X-ray. The nail was completely imbedded in his fibula.

Rachel: Wow. He really defined the meaning of getting nailed.

(cut to the waiting room - Brad, Jennifer, Monica and Jennifer are present)

Monica: So how was your flight?

Jennifer: It went fast.

Brad: Weíll we were in the bathroom for an hour.

Chandler: Bad food in first class?

Jennifer (laughing): No, we were doing something else.

Monica: Anyone want coffee?

Jennifer: No thanks.

Chandler: Yeah, could you get me some?

Brad: I want some too. Iíll go with you Monica.

Monica: Ok. I only have a $100 bill, do you have anything smaller?

Brad: Yeah, IĎve got it covered.

(Brad and Monica leave)

Chandler: So Jen, how are things?

Jennifer: Pretty good. I got the lead in a new movie thatís scheduled for release in 2003.

Chandler: Whatís it called?

Jennifer: Terminator 3.

Chandler: Seriously? You get to act with Arnold?

Jennifer: No, IĎm just kidding. The movie still is untitled. Itís another independent film like
The Good Girl was.

Chandler: Do you get naked in it?

Jennifer: Why do all my guy friends ask me that? Do you really wanna see me naked?

Chandler (sheepishly): I guess.

Jennifer: Well letís get it over with. Letís go find an empty room.

Chandler: I canít do that. Monica would kill me.

Jennifer: Do you wanna see me nude or not?

Chandler: Well Iíve seen Rachel partially nude and she looks just like you, so Iíll just imagine that. (closes his eyes) See, yeah, your boobies are as nice as Rachelís.

Jennifer: No, I really think you should see the real thing. I donít take care of this body for the fun of it.

Chandler: How about this instead?

Jennifer: What?

Chandler: If Brad were to ever die and you didnĎt find anyone after say five years, then you and I would get married. Then Iíd get to see you naked all the time.

Jennifer: What about Monica?

Chandler: Well sheíd have to be dead too. But at the rate sheís going, sheís gonna die long before Brad will.

Jennifer: Why do you say that?

Chandler: ĎCause Iíll probably pull an OJ and get rid of her myself.

Jennifer: That sounds good. I could always use a good back-up.

Chandler: Youíll do it?

Jennifer: Heck yeah. A girl needs to know that she has a man who wants her if her first true love was to die or in your case, murdered.

(Brad and Monica return)

Monica (to Chandler): Here you go honey.

Chandler: Thanks sweetie.

Jennifer: Did you guys have a nice talk?

Brad: Yeah, we spent the entire time making fun of Chandler.

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Come on honey, itís all in good fun.

Jennifer: Well Chandler and I have an announcement to make.

Monica: Oh?

Jennifer: If both of you were to die, Chandler and I are gonna get married. (Monica drops her coffee - letís just say sheís very surprised)

Monica: Excuse me? Run that by me again.

Jennifer: If you and Brad both kick the bucket, then Chandler and I will get married. I guess youíd consider him my marriage back-up.

Brad: Hey, thatís just like the arrangement I have with Rachel. If Ross and Jen croak, then Rachel and I will get married.

Monica: No!

Brad (to Monica): Are you ok?

Monica: IĎm fine. I just stubbed my toe. You know, toe!

Chandler: It sounded like no.

Monica: Shut up gay boy.

Chandler: Donít call me that you dyke.

Brad: Stop with the insults, you know what happened the last time you two did that.

Jennifer: What happened?

Brad: I had to mediate their fight.

Monica: Are you forgetting something?

Brad: What?

Monica: I showed you how to smooth things over with Jennifer.

Jennifer: That was your idea? The whole rose petals and wine deal?

Monica: Yup.

Jennifer (to Brad): And here I was under the impression that you thought of that all by yourself.

(cut to the waiting room - Joey and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: Come on Joey, that was four years ago. The chick and the duck are fine. Theyíre healthy and they love me. We play hide-n-seek together every day. None of your other friends would do that.

Joey: You didnít feed them for three days! They could have died you know!

Phoebe: Well if one of them had gotten really hungry then it wouldíve been survival of the fittest.

Joey: What does that mean?

Phoebe: Well the duck wouldíve eaten the chick if he was really hungry.

Joey: Youíre sick!

Phoebe: Yeah, thatís what people love about me.

(five hours later - cut to the waiting room - Rachelís labor has now kicked in - Ross and Rachel are present)

Rachel: How far apart are they now?

Ross: About a minute.

Rachel: Whereís Dr. Newer?

Ross: Sheís on her way.

Rachel: From where?

Ross: I didnít ask.

(Dr. Newer enters)

Dr. Newer: Howís my favorite patient doing?

Rachel: Just get this thing out of me!

Dr. Newer: That well. Ok, letís see how were doing in the southern hemisphere. Yup, just what I suspected.

Ross: Whatís that?

Dr. Newer: Rachelís at seven centimeters.

Rachel: What does that mean?

Dr. Newer: That youíre not dilating fast enough. Weíre gonna have to try to speed things up a bit.

Rachel: Canít you just reach up there and yank her out?

Dr. Newer: No. But I can give you some more drugs to try to induce labor.

Rachel: Yeah, drugs are good.

Dr. Newer: Thereís only one problem.

Rachel: Now what?

Dr. Newer: I guess I just realized that I shouldíve done that hours ago. Oh well, Iíll go get the drugs.

(Dr. Newer leaves)

Rachel: I want a new doctor Ross. She doesnít know what sheís doing.

Ross: How can you say that? Dr. Newerís been a great doctor.

Rachel: Go find me a new doctor now!

Ross: Ok, ok. Iíll see what I can do.

(Cut to the waiting room - Brad, Jennifer, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and Joey are present)

Jennifer: So Joey, howís married life treating you?

Joey: Ok. Itís really put a cramp on my lifestyle. I donít have as much meaningless sex anymore.

Phoebe: You can say that again.

Jennifer: So I hear you can date even though youíre married.

Joey: Yeah, but women see my ring and run the other way.

Phoebe: Thatís because you keep using the duckís shampoo as cologne.

Joey: Would you shut up? Iím trying to talk to Jennifer.

Phoebe: Eat me.

Joey: I already did that today.

Jennifer: You know, the funny thing is, Brad and I have a similar agreement. I can date other men that he approves of.

Joey: Really?

Jennifer: Really. Wanna go get some coffee?

Joey: Yeah.

Jennifer: And then maybe we can find an open room and you can show me your equipment.

Joey: Are you sure Bradís ok with this?

Brad: Doesnít bother me at all. Youíre a guy I approve of.

Jennifer: Ready?

Joey: Heck yeah!

(Jennifer and Joey get up and walk away)

Monica: What just happened?

Chandler: Apparently Jennifer and Joey are gonna go get coffee and then Joeyís gonna show Jennifer his equipment.

Phoebe: Equipment?

Monica: His thing Phoebe. His thing.

Phoebe: Oh my God! Whereíd they go?

Brad: Whatís the problem Phoebe?

Phoebe: I canít have your wife getting it on with my husband! Iíve got to stop this!

Monica: Then you better get to coffee shop.

Phoebe: Whereís it at?

Brad: Down the hall and to the left.

(Phoebe races off)

Monica: How was that?

Brad: Phoebe doesnít even know what hit her.

Chandler: Like youíd really let Jennifer sleep with Joey.

Brad: As if. The only person Iíd let Jennifer sleep with is you Chandler.

Chandler: Seriously? Why?

Brad: Because deep down we all know that youíre really gay.

(cut to Rachelís room - Rachel and Dr. Newer are present)

Rachel: I donít feel so good.

Dr. Newer: Itís just the drugs. They can make you a little queasy.

Rachel: I think Iím gonna throw up.

Dr. Newer: Hereís a basin.

(Rachel gets sick as Ross enters)

Ross: Ok, IĎm wishing that I didnít have that pretzel five minutes ago. Are you ok Rach?

Rachel: Do I look ok? (Rachel winces in pain) Ow!

Dr. Newer: Contraction?

Rachel (panting): A very big one.

Dr. Newer (looking between Rachelís legs): Ok, it looks like weíre ready. Youíre fully dilated. If you want anyone from the waiting room in here, youíd better go get them Ross.

Ross: Who do you want Rachel?

Rachel: Does it look like I care?!

Ross: Iíll be right back. Donít push yet Rachel.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Right, wrong thing to say.

(Ross leaves for the waiting room)

Chandler: What time is it?

Monica: Itís four in the morning.

Chandler: Crap, Iíve got to be to work in like four hours.

Monica: Like you were even gonna go to work this morning. I saw your secret calendar. It said ďcall in sick todayĒ.

Chandler: You know about that?

Brad: And you wonder why we make fun of you.

(Ross comes out)

Ross: Sheís started pushing.

Chandler: Funny, I thought she started labor seventeen hours ago. What in the hell have we been sitting around for if she just started pushing?

Ross: Do you wanna come in or not?

Brad/Monica/Chandler: Yeah.

(cut to the coffee shop - Jennifer and Joey are present)

Joey: Do you think she bought it?

Jennifer: Yeah, she should be here any minute now.

Joey: Should we kiss for effect?

Jennifer: Let me put it this way, you try to kiss me and Iíll deck you.

Joey: Gotcha.

(Phoebe approaches)

Phoebe: Joey, can I see you for a minute?

Joey: No. Iím on a date with Jennifer. Go away.

Phoebe: Joseph Tribbiani, you come see me right now!

Jennifer: Iíll be waiting for you Joey.

(Joey and Phoebe move out into the hall)

Phoebe: What do you think youíre doing?

Joey: I told you, Iím on a date with Jennifer. Weíre gonna finish our coffee and then go have sex. Do you wanna join us?

Phoebe: I donít wanna join you! I want you to be faithful to your wife!

Joey: Hey, you said I could sleep with other people if I wanted to.

Phoebe: I didnít know that youíd be sleeping with beautiful movie stars!

Joey: Then I guess you donít know me very well. Look, we can talk about this later. I have to get back to Jennifer.

Phoebe (breaking down to tears): Donít do this Joey! I love you!

Joey: I love you too Pheebs.

(Jennifer emerges from the coffee shop)

Jennifer: I guess this joke went a little too far, eh Joey?

Joey: Yeah. I think so.

Phoebe: This was a joke?

Jennifer: Yeah, like Iíd ever sleep with Joey. We were just getting you back for placing that spell on Rachel.

Phoebe: You guys are so mean!

Joey: Weíre mean? You put an eighteen hour labor curse on Rachel!

Phoebe (looking at her watch): Oh my God! Weíve got to get back. Rachel should be in full labor by now.

Jennifer: How do you know?

Phoebe: íCause the eighteen hours are up! Itís baby time!

(cut to Rachelís room - Brad, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Rachel and Dr. Newer are present)

Dr. Newer: Thatís good Rachel. Keep breathing, nice deep breaths.

Rachel (to Ross): You are to never touch me again!

Ross: I love you too sweetie.

Chandler (peering between RachelĎs legs): Wow Rachel, you really do a nice job shaving down there.

Rachel: Thanks Chandler. Now get out!

Chandler: But I want to stay!

Rachel: Get him out of here Ross!

Ross: You better go wait outside.

Chandler: ButÖ.

Ross: Sheís in charge man. She wants you out. So go.

Chandler: If I knew that was gonna happen I wouldíve stayed home with Monica. Sheís always bossing me around.

Monica: Get out Chandler!

(Chandler leaves as Joey, Jennifer and Phoebe enter)

Joey: Whereís Chandler going?

Ross: Rachel kicked him out.

Joey (peering between Rachelís legs): Gee Rach, I didnít know you shaved down there.

Rachel: Does anyone else want to critique my pubic hair?!

Phoebe: Now that you mention it, I really like the heart shape design.

Rachel: Get them out of here Ross!

Ross: You heard the lady. Joey, Phoebe, youíve been evicted.

Joey: Whatíd we do?!

Monica: You looked between Rachelís legs and commented on her pubic hair. You donít pass go and you go directly to jail.

Phoebe: But I wanna stay!

Ross: So did Chandler, now get out.

(Joey and Phoebe leave)

Brad (to Jennifer): Isnít this amazing? One of our close friends is having a baby.

Jennifer: Yeah, youíre not allowed to touch me anymore either.

Ross: Come on Rach, you can do it. Push, push.

Dr. Newer: I see the head. Ok, stop pushing for a moment.

Rachel: Can you yank her out now? I want this to be over with!

Dr. Newer: Ok Rachel, one more big push.

Rachel: Ow!

Ross: Thatís it Rach, thatís it. Youíre almost done!

Dr. Newer: Stop pushing. There. Nurse, could you clip the cord? (nurse does so) Thanks. Hereís your little baby girl. (handing the baby to a crying Rachel)

Ross: You did it Rachel! You did it!

Rachel: We did it!

Monica: I want one of those so bad. Whereís Chandler? I want him now.

(Monica leaves)

Jennifer (to Brad): I hear thereís an empty room down the hall.

Brad: What happened to the no touching rule? (Jennifer whispers something in Bradís ear) Oh, then we better correct that.

(Jennifer and Brad leave)

Dr. Newer: Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Geller. Iíll be back in a few moments.

(Dr. Newer leaves - now only Ross and Rachel are present)

Ross: Look at baby Alexa. Sheís so tiny. I wish Ben were here to see his baby sister.

Rachel: Whoís Alexa?

Ross: I thought we were naming the baby Alexa.

Rachel: No, the babyís name is Caitlin.

Ross: But I thought we were naming the babyÖ..(pause) Caitlin, I really like that name.

CLOSING CREDITS

(cut to the waiting room - Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)

Chandler (to Monica): You owe me a $100.

Monica: For what?

Chandler: You didnít get Brad to be your back-up. I got Jennifer, you didnít get Brad, you owe me $100.

Monica: Fine, here. (hands him a $100 bill)

Brad: You bet him a $100 that you could get me to agree to be your marriage back-up?

Monica: Yeah, but with all the excitement, I forgot to carry through. It doesnít matter anyway.

Brad: Why not?

Monica: The $100 I just gave him was his to begin with.

(cut to Rachelís room - Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present)

Ross: You werenít serious about never wanting to have sex with me again were you?

Rachel: Ask me that after Iíve had a good nightís sleep and my uterus goes back to normal. You wouldnít like my answer right now.

Ross: You did great. I love you.

Rachel: I love you too. Could you take her for a minute?

Ross: Sure. Are you ok? (Ross looks at Rachel who has fallen asleep) Look at that Caitlin, youíve tired Mommy out already.