TOW the Blue Condom

Matthew Perry: Last Season on FRIENDS…..

(The instrumental version of the theme song plays as a monologue of scenes of
what happened last season shows up)

(Cut to: Mon and Rachel’s, Ross and Rachel are talking)

Ross: Wait a minute. Um, Rach can you come?

Rachel: Ross, I already told I have a big presentation to do. I can't.

Ross: Well, can't you bump that for me?

Rachel: Ross, if I do I am gonna get fired. No, I can't. I'm sorry.

Ross: Rachel, it's not like i'm asking you for a favor, this is my wedding. If
the tables were turned I'd bump anything to see you get married.

(Rachel gives him a awkward glance)

(Cut to: Rachel’s bedroom)

Chandler's voice: Why didn't you go to Ross' wedding?

Rachel: Because he's my ex-boyfriend and it would be weird to see him getting

Chandler's voice: And because your still in love with him?

Rachel: No, I just.... well it's gonna be to hard for me to sit there and watch
him get married.

(Cut to: Monica and Rachel’s)

Rachel: (O.S.) Uh, Pheebs do you remember where the Chick and Duck's food are?

Phoebe: Yeah, it's in the guys apartment under the sink. Why’d you ask?

Rachel: (coming out of her bedroom with ner suitcase) Cause I'm going to London.

(Cut to: Phoebe on the phone)

Phoebe: We have an emergency. Okay? Rachel’s coming to London.

Joey: Ohh great!!!

Phoebe: (getting really mad) What does everyone keep saying that?! No it’s not
great. No, she’s coming to tell Ross that she loves him.

Joey: (confused) But he loves emily?

Phoebe: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop her!! She’s going to ruin the wedding!!

Joey: Okay.

(Cut to: Wedding Place)

Ross: My God. Rachel! (He walks towards her, grasps her hands and kisses her on
the cheek.) Your here. I can’t believe it. (She giggles.) What happen? Why are
you here?

Rachel: I have to tell you something.

Ross: What is it Rach?

(Cut to: Wedding, it shows Emily and Ross’ at chapel, Emily is saying her vows)

Emily: I, Emily...

Minster: Take thee Ross...

Emily: Take thee Ross...

Minster: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death
parts us.

Emily: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death
parts us.

Minster: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...

Ross: I Ross...

Rachel: (stands up) Wait!!! (everyone looks at her) I have to say something.

Minster: Yes?

Rachel: Ross (pause) I'm still in love with you.

Chandler: Yes!!

(At the end of this you hear “Cause your there for me tooooo!” and the scene
fades out to the beginning of this ep)
(Scene: Continuation from last season, Rachel has just said she loves Ross and
everybody is shocked)
Ross: (says something but we don’t know what it is) Ughnomahey…….
Rachel: What?

Emily: Oh dear. (runs out)

Ross: (chasing after her) Emily wait!

(everyone is quiet)

Chandler: Well, um we’re gonna have an intermission, so uh I would probably say
that this would be the best time to get drunk. (pause) So, anyone here from

Opening Credits/ Commercial Break

(Scene: Outside of the place where the wedding was everyone has gone outside,
Joey is still on the Phone with Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Joey, so what’s going?

Joey: Well, Ross just ran after Emily, and everybody is talking about what a
bitch Rachel is.

Phoebe: Wow, this was the worst wedding I’ve ever listened to.

Joey: Tell me about it! (Felicity comes over to Joey)

Felicity: Hello Joey.

Joey: Felicity, “How you doin”.

Felicity: Joey, do you want to walk me to my hotel room?

Joey: (turned on) Like you wouldn’t believe.

Felicity: Okay.

Joey: Hold on (whispering to Phoebe) Pheebs, I gotta go. I’m about to have sex
with that girl that I hooked up with last night.

Phoebe: What are you gonna do about Ross?

Joey: Nothing, I just figured I’d let that handle it’s self, okay bye! (hangs up
and follows Felicity)

(Scene: The reception at Emily’s parents house Chandler and Rachel are talking.)

Chandler: Well, I have another reason to add to my book of why Ross wouldn’t
have a successful wedding.

Rachel: Will you stop it already. This is all your fault anyway.

Chandler: (thinks) I forgot it was blame Chandler week.

Rachel: Oh, shut up.

Chandler: How is this my fault anyway?

Rachel: Because you told me to tell him I am still in love with him.

Chandler: Okay, uh Rach I think you’ve burned yourself with that hair straighter
one too many times.

Rachel: I’m gonna get something to drink. (walks away)

(Cut to: Food table, Rachel is getting something to drink)

Rachel: (notices people are staring at her) Why, the hell is everyone looking at
(walks away from food table)

(Cut back to: Chandler, Rachel walks up to him)

Rachel: I gotta get out of here.

Chandler: Why?

Rachel: Everyone’s looking at me.

Chandler: (sarcastic) Ya don’t say!

Rachel: I have to go. I’m going for a walk. (goes to closet to get her jacket,
when she opens it she reveals the Joey and Felicity are making out.)

Joey:(uncomfortable) Uh, anyone need their coat?

(Scene: Ross and Emily’s hotel room)

Emily: (yelling) Ross, how could this happen to me?

Ross: To you?! Hey, I was in this wedding to. I didn’t just happen to you.

Emily: Ross, don’t try and make yourself look innocent because your not.

Ross: Why because Rachel told me she was still in love with me? Because she was
my ex-girlfriend?

Emily: No, Ross that’s not it.

Ross: Then what is it Emily?

Emily: Well, um ever since we decided to get married, you’ve started to become
more and more closer to Rachel.

Ross: And you think that means something?

Emily: (pause) Ross, are you still in love with her?

Ross: To be honest. (pause) I don’t know.

Emily: You are in love with her!

Ross: No, Emily I didn’t say that.

Emily: Well, the look on your face says a whole lot.

Ross: Emily I…

Emily: No Ross. I think you should leave.

Ross. But Emily…

Emily: Ross go!

(Ross stares at her for a moment then her leaves, Emily starts to cry.)

Commercial Break

(Scene: Hallway between Monica and Chandler’s hotel rooms in London, Chandler
and Monica are there talking)

Monica: About last night…

Chandler: What about it?

Monica: Well, I don’t think that we should do it anymore because it might ruin
our friendship.

Chandler: Yeah, I was about to tell you the same thing.

Monica: Chandler, uh thank you for having that one night of 7 times with me, it
was really special.

Chandler: It was special.

Monica: And I gotta tell you, I think that that was probably the best sex I’ve
ever had.

Chandler: (about to cry) Really?

Monica: I said probably.

Chandler: Yeah, um I gotta go get some tissue. (runs away)

(Scene: Bathroom, Joey is in there looking in mirror when Ross enters)

Ross: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hey, Ross how you feelin?

Ross: Not good.

Joey: I’m sorry.

Ross: Hey, wanna hear something funny?

Joey: Sure.

Ross: I’m still in love with Rachel. Ha ha ha.

Joey: (thinks) Dude, that’s not funny.

Ross: Joey, it wasn’t ment to be funny.

Joey: (mad) Then why did you say it was gon be?

Ross: Joey. (stares at him)

Joey: Wait a minute. (thinks) OH MY GOD YOUR STILL IN LOVE WITH RACHEL?!

Ross: Yeah, I need to talk to her do you know where she is?

Joey: (to into it) Man, you don’t know how many nights I dreamed of how you and
Rachel were gonna get back together. I used to cry myself to sleep (about to
cry) and sometimes I wet my bed.

Ross: (flattered) Joey, you dreamed about me and Rachel getting back together?

Joey: Yeah, and one night I had a dream that me, you, Monica and Rachel had a
threesome. (proud) Cool, huh?

Ross: (disgusted)(pause) Yeah sure.

(Scene: Joey and Chandler’s hotel room, Chandler is there packing when Ross

Ross: Hey.

Chandler: Hey, man what’s up?

Ross: The sky.

(Chandler looks at him funny)

Ross: What, it was a joke!

Chandler: What do you need?

Ross: Um, have you seen Rachel?

Chandler: The last time I saw her she was in Monica’s room, why?

Ross: Well, don’t be too angry when I tell you this okay?

Chandler: Okay, shoot.

Ross: I’m still in love with her.

Chandler: (not surprised) Okay.

Ross: That’s it. Your not surprised?

Chandler: No, why would I be?

Ross: Well, because my wedding just got ruined, I was in love with Emily…

Chandler: Sure you were.

Ross: What?

Chandler: Look I guess I’m not surprised because I knew that you two would, you
know, get back together.

Ross: Yeah?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: (hugs him) Man.

(Scene: Plane, Chandler, Joey are sitting near each other.)

Joey: Hey, did you know that Ross is still in love with Rach?

Chandler: Yeah, he told me.

Joey: Wow, love it’s a beautiful thing isn’t it?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: (singing) L- is for the way you look at me.

Chandler: (singing) O- is for Oh please don’t sing.

Joey: Sorry, It’s just amazing. Ross and Rachel are getting back together.

Chandler: Sure.

Joey: They are so different. I mean, She’s like (sexy) Oooo, Rachel! And he’s
like (disgusted) Ewww, Ross! She’s like (excited) Oh my god there she is! And
he’s like, (annoyed) Does he ever go anywhere else?! She’s like (happy) Hey! And
he’s like, (sad and like Ross does) Hiiiiiiii. She’s like……

Chandler: (cutting him off) I think I got it!

(Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Phoebe is there when Joey, Chandler and
Monica enter)

Phoebe: Oh, hey!

Chandler/ Joey/ Monica: Hey/ Pheebs/Hi etc….

Phoebe: You’re backe but where’s Ross and Rachel?

Chandler: Oh, Rachel wanted to stay and see a little bit more of London, and uh
Ross (lying) is sorting stuff with Emily.

Phoebe: Oh, good. I totally wanted it to work out between them.

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: So, where’s the Chick and Duck?

Phoebe: What Chick and Duck?

Joey: (panicking) What do you mean what Chick and Duck?!

Phoebe: Just kidding! (laughs)

Joey: Oh. (laughs)

(Phoebe mouths “OH MY GOD” to Monica)

(Scene: Monica’s hotel room in London (which is now Rachel’s), Rachel is sitting
down reading when Ross enters)

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: (as if she didn’t expect him) Oh, hey. Wha-uh- What are you doing here?

Ross: Can I talk to you about something?

Rachel: Yeah, sure sit down.

Ross: (sits down near her) Well, that thing you said to me earlier..

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: At my wedding…

Rachel: Umm huh.

Ross: In front of everybody..

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: In the middle…

Rachel: (cutting him off) Yeah, Ross I got that part, okay?

Ross: Okay, Rachel that was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
And when you said that it made me think of our time together and how great we
were. Then I realized what am I doing with her you know?

Rachel: (like she’s blah) Yes, yes I do.

Ross: And when we were we arguing I thought to myself “Wow, Rachel is an amazing
woman.” I was in love with Emily for six weeks but Rach, I’ve been in love with
you since the first time I laid eyes on you. Rachel I want to be with you.
Rachel, I love you.

Rachel: Well, uh I have to pee. (goes to bathroom)

(Fades to: Rachel comes out of bathroom)

Ross: Hey, Rachel are you okay?

Rachel: Well, uh yes and no.

Ross: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well, Ross what you just said to me was exactly what I wanted you to say
and I would so kiss you right now if it weren’t for Emily.

Ross: Emily?

Rachel: Yes, when I told you I was still in love with you. I realized how much
this was going to ruin you and Emily and…

(Ross kisses her)

Rachel: Oh god.

Ross: I know: (kisses her again) (they start to take off each others clothes)

Rachel: Wait, do you have a condom?

Ross: Oh no. I left it them in my bag, and that’s in Emily’s room.

Rachel: Oh well. Well we don’t have to have sex. We can just cuddle. (they

(pause) (Ross realizes something)

Ross: Ooh! (digging in his pocket) Ta-Da! (he takes out the condom that she gave
him before he left for London)

Rachel: (surprised) THE LITTLE BLUE CONDOM!!

Ross: Yeah! (they kiss)

Rachel: I love you, Ross.

Ross: I love you too, Rachel.

Rachel: And I also love the condom.

(Ross gives her a weird look)

Rachel: You know what, let’s just have sex.

Ross: Okay. (they kiss)

Commercial Break

Ending Credits

(Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler and Joey are sitting there, talking)

Joey: Hey, do you think that if I had stayed in London me and Felicity would
have hit it off?

Chandler: No.

Joey: You’re just saying that because you didn’t get any action in London.

Chandler: Sure I didn’t.

(knock at door) (Joeys gets it)

Joey: Yes?

Felicity: Hello Joey.

Joey: How’d you get here?

Felicity: I followed you.

Chandler: Cool, Joey you got another stalker!

Felicity: Talk New York to me.

Joey: Not right now.

Felicity: (MAD) what did you say?

Joey: I said no!

(Felicity pulls out a knife and tries to stab Joey)

(Cut to: Joey waking up in a cold sweat, frightened)

Joey: That wasn’t about Ross and Rachel.

The end