THE ONE WITH A BREAKUP AND A TRIP TO THE OTHER SIDE
Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Ross and Joey are hanging out)
Joey: So do you guys think I should ask Kate to move in with me?
Ross: Sure, why not?
Joey: That's what I am asking. (to Chandler) Is he stupid or something?
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Continued from before)
Chandler: Joey, get it over with. Ask her to move in with you.
Joey: You really think I should?
Joey: I see you understood my question this time.
Ross (puzzled): What?
Chandler: Never mind Ross. Joe, just go and ask her.
Joey: Yeah. I'm gonna go ask her. Thanks guys. (Joey leaves)
Chandler: Five, four, three, two, one. (Joey opens the door)
Joey: Hey, get out of my apartment.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica is emerging from her bedroom as Rachel and Phoebe enter)
Monica: Well if it isn't the psychic and the bimbo.
Rachel: What's up you controlling bitch?
Phoebe: Mon, I don't appreciate being called a bimbo.
Rachel: Pheebs, she was referring to me.
Phoebe: Oh. Then don't call me a controlling bitch.
Monica: Pheebs, Rach was talking to me.
Phoebe: Well then who am I?
Rachel: The psychic.
Phoebe: You know, you think I would have foretold that. Man, I gotta stop lighting it up.
Monica: Phoebe! You shouldn't be smoking anything.
Phoebe: I am not smoking just anything.
Rachel: Then what the hell are you lighting up?
Phoebe: Just this stuff. (holds out her hand to reveal little green buds)
Monica: What is that stuff?
Phoebe: I dunno, but it makes me feel real giddy.
Rachel: Phoebe! That's marijuana. That stuff is illegal. Where did you get it?
Phoebe: Frank gave it to me. He said it would relieve my stress.
Rachel: How can you be under stress, you're not even working.
Phoebe: Good point.
Monica: I say we try it.
Monica: I say we light up.
Rachel: Are you crazy? That stuff is illegal.
Monica: So? Are you scared? Come on, we never cut loose anymore.
Phoebe: I'm in.
Rachel: Great, my friends are turning into Cheech and Chong. Fine, I'm in.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Chandler and Ross are present)
Joey: Where the hell is she?
Chandler: Joey calm down, she'll be here.
Joey: How do you know?
Chandler: Ah, I don't.
Ross: Joey, what did she say when you told her that you had to talk to her?
Joey: She said that was good 'cause she had to talk to me too.
Chandler: Oh, that's not good.
Chandler: It's never good when she has to talk to you too.
Ross: He's right Joey. That's not a good sign.
Joey: Have you guys been smoking Phoebe's stuff again?
Chandler: What stuff?
Joey: Oh, never mind. Here comes Kate, get out of here.
Kate: Hey guys.
Chandler/Ross: Hey Kate. We were just leaving. See ya Joe.
Joey: Hey Kate, how you doin?
Kate: Joey, we have to talk.
Joey: Ok, but let me go first.
Joey: Kate, I want you to move in with me.
Kate (who is taken aback): Oh geez. I don't know what to say.
Joey: Say yes.
Kate: I can't.
Joey: Why not?
Kate: God this is going to be hard. Joey, I really care about you, but I just don't see a long-term future with you.
Joey: Ok. So why can't you move in?
Kate: You didn't get what I was trying to tell you did you?
Joey: Get what?
Kate: Joey, I am breaking up with you.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (The girls are as high as the Empire State Building and laughing uncontrollably)
Rachel: And then he told me that Emily wouldn't toot his flute.
Monica: I didn't know Ross could play the flute?
Rachel: He can't.
Phoebe: Well then how could Emily toot his flute? (Rachel stares at Phoebe) Oh. The flute is his….
Monica: No wonder why their marriage failed. (to Rachel) Do you toot Ross' flute?
Rachel: I hum Mozart on his flute.
Monica: I prefer to hum Joplin.
Phoebe: I hum Quiet Riot. (Monica and Rachel stare at Phoebe) What? You know, Bang Your Head.
(Chandler and Ross enter)
Phoebe: Well if it isn't Mr. Flute and his gay companion.
Ross: What the hell are you talking about? Geez, it wreaks of smoke in here. Oh my God, you guys are stoned!
Chandler: Who's the gay companion? (Everyone stares at Chandler) Sorry I just wanted to be clear.
Ross: Where did you guys get the ganja?
Phoebe: My brother gave it to me. He said it would help relieve my stress.
Chandler: How can you be stressed, you're not even working! What's your excuse Monica?
Monica: Everyone else was doing it?
Rachel: Chandler, what's the big deal? So we took a trip to the other side, so what?
Ross: I'm very disappointed in you Rachel.
Rachel: Well that's good to know Dad, I'll keep your feelings in mind. Now if you don't mind excusing us, we're going to raid the pantry now.
(Cut to Ross who isn't pleased)
Chandler: Ross, let it go, we'll talk to them later.
Phoebe: Bye Mr. Flute and his gay companion.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is sitting in his recliner sulking. Ross and Chandler enter)
Chandler: Hey Joe, what did Kate say?
Joey: She said no.
Joey: Something about me not being suited for a long-term relationship or something.
Chandler: Did you guys break up?
Joey: Yeah. I can't believe she left me again.
Ross: Dude, can we do anything for you?
Joey: Nah, I'll be fine. Besides I have the chick and duck to hang out with.
Chandler: You do know that they're barnyard animals. (Joey looks at Chandler) But I hear that they are great listeners. And hey, if you get really depressed, you can smoke herbs with the girls.
Joey: The girls are smoking the wacky weed?
Ross: Yeah, they're high as kites.
Joey: Damn it, I can't catch a break. (Cut to Ross and Chandler who look very confused) Phoebe promised me that she wouldn't let anyone else get baked with her. That was supposed to be our little special thing.
Chandler: Special thing?
Joey: Yeah, you (Chandler) have Monica and Ross has Rachel. Phoebe and I have been smoking bowls together for six months and now she's doing it with the girls. Man, she's cheating on me with two women. Oh my God, she's a lesbian doobie smoker!
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (The girls are asleep, there is food everywhere. Monica is slowly coming to. She gets up and looks around at the messed up apartment)
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God!
Rachel (who is now awake): For Christ's sake, would you stop taking God's name in vain! People are trying to sleep here!
Monica: Look what you guys did to my apartment!
Rachel: What did we do?
Monica: This! (camera pans around the apartment)
Rachel: Mon relax. We'll clean it up. Right after we get some more sleep. (Rachel lies back down on the couch)
Rachel: What now?
Monica: Help me clean up this place now.
Rachel (getting up): You know, you can be such a pain in the ass sometimes. (Monica glares at Rachel) Ok, ok. See, cleaning.
Monica (who has walked over to where Phoebe is sleeping): Pheebs, Pheebs.
Phoebe (still sleeping): Not now Duncan, I'm tired.
Monica: Phoebe Buffay, wake up now!
Phoebe (who's now awake): What the hell is your problem?
Monica: Look at my apartment.
Phoebe: Did you change something?
Monica: It's a mess. You guys made a mess of my apartment!
Phoebe: You know, you were so much more fun on the other side.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is sitting on the couch watching TV, Rachel enters)
Rachel: Hey honey.
Ross: Hi. (Ross gets up and goes in their bedroom)
Rachel: Ross, did I do something wrong?
Ross (from the bedroom): No. Goodnight.
Rachel: It's 7 in the evening. You're going to bed now?
(Rachel walks into their bedroom)
Rachel: Ross, what's wrong?
Ross: Nothing. Your Dad just needs his sleep.
Ross: I said I just need some sleep.
Rachel: Then why did you say "your dad just needs his sleep"?
Ross: Apparently you forget things you say when you take a trip to the other side.
Rachel: You're mad because I had a little fun with the girls?
Ross: No, not at all. In fact, I'm having the guys over for a LSD party this weekend.
Rachel: I don't believe this. You're mad at me because I got high with Monica and Phoebe? Get over yourself. And besides, you smoked pot in college.
Ross: I didn't inhale.
Rachel: So I did? So what?
Ross (long pause): You can come to the LSD party if you want. We're gonna have a trippin' good time.
Rachel: Goodnight Ross. When you stop acting like a child, come and get me.
(Rachel leaves and slams the bedroom door)
Ross: See you later you pot smoking bimbo!
Rachel (from the living room): I heard that you friggin jerk!
Ross: Good, you were supposed to hear me!
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica sitting on the couch)
Chandler: You know I was looking forward to eating those cookies.
Monica: I was hungry. I had a moment of weakness.
Chandler: You ate two dozen cookies!
Monica: But I can make you more.
Chandler: Forget it. There's nothing you can say to make me feel better.
Monica: I love you.
Chandler: That's not gonna work.
Monica (sexily): Are you in the mood for a little Joplin?
Chandler (long pause): Would you hum the Entertainer?
Monica: Whatever you want. You’re the boss.
Chandler (stands up and starts dancing): I'm the boss! I'm the boss! (Looks at Monica who is glaring at him) Ok, I am the boss tonight only.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are present)
Joey: I can't believe you cheated on me. God this day has sucked. First Kate dumps me and then you cheat on me.
Phoebe: I didn't mean to cheat on you. I got talked into it. (pause) Kate dumped you?
Joey: Yeah she dumped me. She said she didn't see a long-term future with me. Wait a minute, don't change the subject. You cheated on me. Geez Pheebs, that was supposed to be a special thing we did together, and now you're acting like a swinger.
Phoebe: I swear Joey, I'll never do it with anyone else again. I just couldn't stay monogamous forever. I'll make it up you, I'll do whatever you want me to.
Joey: You'll do anything?
Phoebe: Yeah, just name it.
Phoebe: Anything but have sex with you.
Phoebe: Ah Joey, you know if I wasn't dating Duncan, I'd sleep with you in an instant.
Joey: Who's Duncan?
Phoebe: You know what, we should stop smoking this stuff altogether. (throws her remaining buds in the garbage)
Phoebe: Because if you get any dumber you'll have to dye your hair blonde.
Joey: You're blonde.
Phoebe: I know. See, I insult myself without even knowing it.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (the next morning. Ross emerges from the bedroom and sees Rachel sitting at the table)
Ross: Good morning.
Ross: Look, I'm sorry I overreacted.
Rachel: Is that it?
Ross: And I'm sorry I called you a bimbo, I was mad.
Rachel: I'm sorry I called you a jerk.
Ross: Are we cool?
Rachel: No, we're not.
Ross: Ah, why not?
Rachel: Look Ross, you can't control everything I do. I should be free to do whatever I want whenever I want. You're just going to have to accept that.
Ross: I'm not trying to control you.
Rachel: Please, I decide to cut loose and the first thing you do is tell me that you're very disappointed in me.
Ross: I just don't see why you had to get stoned.
Rachel: Because I had never done it before ok.
Rachel: Yes. I wanted to experience it once. I wanted to cut loose a little, be a bad girl.
Ross: You don't cut loose with me?
Rachel: Of course I do honey, but that's different. I wanted to do something crazy with my girls.
Ross: So is this going to be a recurring thing?
Rachel: No. I just wanted to try it once.
Ross: So did you enjoy your trip to the other side?
Rachel: Yeah. It was crazy. I've never laughed so much in my life.
Ross: Ok, I have to be honest. The reason I was so upset is that I had a friend in college who was also studying paleontology. He is the one who introduced me to the stuff. I experimented with it and decided it wasn't for me.
Rachel: What happened to him?
Ross: The stuff became so important to him that he dropped out of school. He pissed away a promising career for a little green bud. I guess I just got scared when I saw you guys yesterday.
Rachel: Ross, I don't know what to say. Look, I want you to know that I tried it and I'm not going to do it again.
Ross: You're not just saying that to appease me are you?
Rachel: No, I really mean it. I'm glad you care for me so much. I love you.
Ross: I love you too.
Rachel: Can I still come to your LSD party this weekend? I have never tried that stuff.
CENTRAL PERK (Later that day. Everyone is present)
Ross: So what did you guys do last night?
Chandler: Not much, just sat back and enjoyed a little Joplin.
Monica: That Joplin is really talented don't you think?
Chandler: You better believe it.
Rachel (to Phoebe and Joey): So what did you guys do?
Joey: Not much, just hummed a little Quiet Riot with Phoebe.
(Monica and Rachel spit out there coffee)
Monica: With Phoebe?
Phoebe: Oh chill out Monica. VH1 was doing a Behind the Music special.