THE ONE WHERE THEY NAME JOEYíS CHARACTER

 

 

Written by: eze93@yahoo.com

 

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

GYNECOLOGISTíS OFFICE (Monday Morning.Chandler and Monica are awaiting the results)

 

Monica:What do you think about names?

 

Chandler:Yes, I think every baby should have one.

 

Monica:Seriously.

 

Chandler:I havenít even gotten used to the fact that you might be pregnant, we could name the kid Frankenstein for all I care.

 

Monica:Your childhood really screwed you up, didnít it?

 

(The doctor comes in)

 

Doctor:Ok, I have the results, Monica you.Ö

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

GYNECOLOGISTíS OFFICE

 

Doctor:Ok, I have the results, Monica you might want to sit down.

 

Chandler:Sheís pregnant, isnít she?

 

Monica:Oh my God!Iím pregnant!

 

Doctor:Actually, no, youíre not pregnant.

 

Monica:But I havenít had my period and Iím over a week late. Plus, the home pregnancy test said I was pregnant.

 

Doctor:First, the home pregnancy tests arenít always accurate and second, your period could be late because of your birth control pills.

 

Chandler:So weíre not having a baby?

 

Doctor:Iím afraid not.

 

Chandler (to Monica):Are you alright?

 

Monica:Yeah.Are you ready to go?

 

VICTORIA SECRET (Rachelís first day.Rachel is being shown around the office by her assistant, Shannon.)

 

Shannon:And over here is the water cooler.A lot of nothing happens here.At least thatís what we tell those who are in management.

 

Rachel:So what really happens at the water cooler?

 

Shannon:Sorry, youíre part of management.

 

Rachel:And I can find a new assistant very easily.

 

Shannon:Right.If you want the gossip, the water cooler is where you need to hang out.For instance, see her, (points at a woman over an office door) she was dating Rick, the senior photographer for the catalogue.

 

Rachel:Was?

 

Shannon:Until she found that he was actually a she at one point.Of course, anatomically, he is still a she in the lower region.I have to warn you, Rick hits on anything that moves.He especially likes asking out new employees.

 

Rachel:Ok, forget about eating lunch today and thank God for this (wiggles her engagement ring).Whereís my office?

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Phoebe, Joey and Ross are playing cards)

 

Joey:What game are we playing again?

 

Phoebe:Joey, for the thirteenth time, weíre playing Go Fish.

 

Joey:The title of this game has nothing to do with cards.Who named this stupid game?

 

Ross:You know, Go Fish was actually developed byÖ..(Chandler and Monica enter)

 

Chandler:Hello children.

 

Joey:Thank God!

 

Phoebe:Well, are you pregnant? (Monica breaks down in tears) I guess not.

 

Chandler:Monica, come here.(Chandler takes Monica and leads her to their bedroom)

 

Joey:What they are going in there for?Somebody tell Chandler nowís not the best time for sex.

 

Ross (to Joey):You are the biggest idiot I know.

 

(Chandler comes out of the bedroom)

 

Chandler:I havenít seen her this upset since that man at Rossí wedding said she was Rossí mom.

 

Joey:That was pretty funny.(Everyone glares at Joey)Ok, Iíve got to get to the set.(Joey leaves)

 

Phoebe:What did the doctor say?

 

Chandler:He said she wasnít pregnant.He said she was most likely late because of her birth control pills.And then as we were leavingÖ.well letís just say that sheís not late anymore.

 

Ross:Is there anything we can do?

 

Chandler:Just tell Rachel before she asks Monica about it.

 

Ross:Will do.(to Phoebe) Do you wanna come to Rachelís office with me?

 

Phoebe:Sure.I love lingerie.

 

Ross:I donít think they walk around in it Pheebs.(pause)But maybe they do, letís go.†††

GENERAL HOSPITAL SET (Joeyís first day.Heís talking with the executive producer- Sarah and head writer - Colton).

Joey:So have you decided on a name for me yet?

 

Sarah:No, weíre still torn and weíre not sure if we are going to have you be a neurosurgeon either.

 

Joey:But thatís my acting specialty.I donít know the other medical disciplines.

 

Colton:Ah Joey, remember that youíre not a real doctor.

 

Joey:Right, I keep forgetting about that.So what are we down to?

 

Sarah:Well, if we cast you as an Urologist, your name will be Dr. Dick Hertz.If we cast you as a Proctologist, your name will be Dr. Ben Dover.But if we keep you as a Neurosurgeon, your name will be Dr. Richard Head, though everyone will call you Dick for short.

 

Colton:Why donít we do this?Joey, why donít you take these three names home and decide who you want to be?You can bounce the names off your friends.See what they think.

 

Joey:Alright.But Iím already kind of leaning to Dr. Ben Dover. That name just sounds really familiar.By the way, what does a Proctologist do?

 

Sarah:Will get into that tomorrow.

 

Joey:Ok.Great.Well, Iíll see you guys later.(Joey leaves)

 

Colton:Donít you just love messing with gullible actors?

 

Sarah:Heís gotta be the dimmest one weíve ever had.

 

VICTORIA SECRET(Rachelís setting up her office.Ross walks in)

 

Ross:Hey honey.

 

Rachel:Ross, what are you doing here?

 

Ross:What, I canít come see the love of my life at her work?

 

Rachel:You wanted to see if there were any women walking around in the lingerie, didnít you?

 

Ross:Maybe.

 

Rachel:Disappointed?

 

Ross:A little.

 

Rachel:Seriously, what are you doing here?

 

Ross:Actually I brought Phoebe too, sheís over there talking to some guy named Rick.

 

Rachel:No!

 

Ross:Yeah, they really seem to be hitting off.I think itís good for Phoebe, itís been a while since she dated anyone.

 

Rachel:Ross, Rick is a she!

 

Ross:So?(pause)Oh my God!

 

Rachel:What are we gonna do?

 

Ross:Well weíll just wait for Phoebe to finish talking to him, I mean her, and then weíll tell her.

 

Rachel:Ok, sounds like a plan.So why are you here?

 

Ross:Yeah that.Um, Monicaís not pregnant.I wanted to come and tell you before you called her.Sheís really upset.

 

Rachel:No, sheís really not pregnant?

 

Ross:Iím afraid not.

 

Rachel:Well that kinda puts a bummer on an exciting day.Thanks for coming down here that was very sweet of you.

 

(Phoebe enters)

 

Phoebe:Hey Rach!You never gonna believe this, but I just met the nicest guy.Heís a photographer and he said I have beautiful cheekbones.

 

Rachel:Really?What was his name?

 

Phoebe:Rick.

 

Rachel:Ah Pheebs, thereís something you should know about Rick.

 

Phoebe:Oh, what?

 

Ross:Rickís actually a Ricki.

 

Phoebe:As in Rickey Henderson, the baseball player?

 

Rachel:No, as in Ricki Lake.

 

Phoebe:Huh?

 

Rachel:Rick is actually a she.

 

Phoebe:But, but thatís impossible!

 

Ross:Pheebs, this is 2001, nothingís impossible.

 

Phoebe:Damn, I meet a nice guy and he turns out to be a male with a vagina!

 

Ross:Huh, itís kinda like a lesbian in reverse.

 

Rachel:What?

 

Ross:A woman who became a man to like women.She shouldíve just skipped becoming a man and became a lesbian.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Monica:What if I never have a baby?

 

Chandler:Honey, it just wasnít the right time.Donít worry weíll definitely have kids.

 

Monica:Really?

 

Chandler:Of course, if anyone deserves to be a mother, itís you.

 

(Joey enters)

 

Joey:Hey guys.How are you doing Mon?

 

Monica:Iím doing better, thanks for asking Joey.

 

Joey:Well I started my new job today.Yup, Iím the new doctor at General Hospital.

 

Chandler:So did they name your character?

 

Joey:Well itís down to three names and each name corresponds to a different medical specialty.They kinda left it up to me.

 

Monica:Are you gonna tell us the names or make us guess?

 

Joey:Right.Letís see, if I play an Urologist, my name will be Dr. Dick Hertz.If I play a Proctologist, Iíll be Dr. Ben Dover and if I play a Neurosurgeon, Iíll be Dr. Richard Head, but everyone will call me Dick for short.(Cut to Chandler & Monica who are laughing uncontrollably)Come on guys, this is a serious decision.

 

Monica (still laughing):Well I definitely feel better now.

 

Chandler:Those names are even funnier then when he called himself Holden McGroin.

 

Monica:What about Josef Stalin?

 

Joey:This isnít a laughing matter, I have to pick a name by tomorrow.Geez, I was hoping for your help.So seriously, which name should I go by?

 

Monica:Joey, none of these names seem funny to you?

 

Joey:No.

 

Chandler:So Dick Hertz means nothing to you?

 

Joey:No.I was kinda leaning towards Ben Dover anyway.Some help you guys have been.Iím gonna talk to a real doctor.

 

Monica:Who?

 

Joey:Ross.He can appreciate the importance in having a good name for a doctor.Iíll see you guys later.

 

Chandler:See you later Dr. Ben Dover.

 

Monica:Bye Dr. Dick Head.(to Chandler) Oh, my stomach hurts.He really has no clue.

 

Chandler:A couple of days ago they were gonna name him Seymour Butz.They should name him after where his brain resides, Peter North.

 

Monica:Or he could play a Gynecologist.Theyíd name him Harry Bush.

 

Chandler:Youíre definitely feeling better.

 

Monica:I can always count on Joey for a good laugh.

 

PIZZA PARLOUR(Phoebe and Ross are eating a late lunch)

 

Ross:I gotta say Pheebs, I havenít had this much fun in a while.We donít hang out together as much as we used to.

 

Phoebe:Too bad you saw Rachel first eh?

 

Ross:Yeah.I guess I wonít be needing you as my back up anymore.

 

Phoebe:Oh well, I guess you wonít get to experience Phoebe love.

 

Ross:Remember that time in the bar?I almost had Phoebe love that night.

 

Phoebe:Yes, but the balls kept getting in the way and you couldnít get it out.

 

Ross:Whoa!Get what out?Iíve never had a problem getting it out.

 

Phoebe:No not that!Your foot, you couldnít get your foot out.

 

Ross:Right!Hey, Iím sorry that thing with Rick didnít work out.

 

Phoebe:Imagine my horror if I found out when we were getting it on?

 

Ross:Yes, that would life threatening.

 

Phoebe:For him.

 

Ross:Thatís what I meant.

 

Phoebe:Do you think Iíll find someone someday?

 

Ross:Of course Pheebs.What guy in their right mind wouldnít want you?

 

Phoebe:Thatís so sweet.Rachelís lucky to have you.Itís just, I just get this feeling that Iím gonna be the last one of us to get married.

 

Ross:Why?

 

Phoebe:Iím the only one not seeing anyone right now.Heck, even Joeyís in a monogamous relationship.Courteneyís perfect for him.

 

Ross:Yeah, theyíre really good together.But hey, that doesnít mean that you arenít gonna meet someone who will sweep you off your feet.Hell, he could be right around the corner.

 

Phoebe:Youíre really good at this.

 

Ross:Good at what?

 

Phoebe:Making someone feel better about themselves. Thanks Ross, I love you.

 

Ross:I love you too Pheebs.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT(Joey is the only one present.Heís on the phone talking to his agent, Estelle)

 

Joey:I dunno Estelle.†† I think Dr. Ben Dover would be a good career move.(pause)Well I know it might be a good experience to play an Urologist, but Dick Hertz sounds too much like a car rental company mascot.(pause)No, I really hate the name Richard.Yes I know theyíd call me Dick, but Dick Head, that doesnít sound Doctory enough.(pause- Chandler and Monica enter) Alright.Talk to you later.††

 

Chandler:Did they turn off your phone again Joe?

 

Joey:Sorry, I locked myself out.

 

Monica:You locked your door?Why?

 

Joey:So others couldnít get in.

 

Chandler:We should really start doing that too.

 

Monica:So, did you talk to Ross?

 

Joey:No, he wasnít at home.

 

(Ross and Phoebe enter)

 

Ross:Hey.

 

Phoebe:Hi, Iím Phoebe, Rossí new girlfriend.

 

Chandler:Well let me introduce you to the newest doctor on General Hospital.Phoebe, Ross, this is Dr. Dick Hertz.

 

Joey:I told you, itís Dr. Ben Dover.

 

Ross (laughing):What, was Dr. Harry Bush taken?

 

Joey:No.Dr. Ben Dover is more prestigious.

 

Phoebe:I donít get it.

 

Monica:Iíll explain it to you later Pheebs.

 

Ross:Joey, you canít let them name your character Dr. Ben Dover.

 

Joey:Why not?

 

Ross:Do me a favor.Bend over and pick that napkin on the floor.

 

Monica:Chandler!How many times do I have to tell you about you and your stupid napkins!

 

Joey (bending over):Ok, Iíve got the napkin.Whatís your point?

 

Ross:What are you doing?

 

Joey:Iím bending over.(pause)Oh!Thatís why Richard Head is a bad name for a doctor.

 

Chandler:What?

 

Joey:A Neurosurgeon canít be called Dick Head.Itís insulting.

 

Ross:And Ben Dover isnít?

 

Joey:Huh?

 

Monica:Give him a second.

 

Phoebe:He might need a half hour.

 

Joey:Ben Dover.Oh! As in bend over and pick up the napkin.Yeah thatís definitely out.Alright, Dr. Dick Hertz it is.Ok, I have got a date with Courteney, Iíll see you guys later.

 

(Joey leaves)

 

Phoebe:He tells her that heís now Dr. Dick Hertz and that date is over in a jiffy.

 

(Rachel enters)

 

Rachel:Why did Joey just introduce himself to me as Dr. Dick Hertz, Urologist?

 

GENERAL HOSPITAL SET (Joeyís again talking with the executive producer- Sarah and head writer - Colton).

†††

Joey:Well I have decided on Dr. Dick Hertz, Urologist.I canít believe you guys were trying to pull one over on me with Dr. Ben Dover.

 

Colton:Yup, you caught us.Dr. Ben Dover definitely was a prank.Out of curiosity, what didnít you like about Dr. Richard Head?

 

Joey:Well if you shorten Richard to Dick, everyone would be calling me Dr. Dick Head.It just didnít sound professional enough.

 

Sarah:Anything else?

 

Joey:Nope.Although, my friends really seemed to like the name Dr. Harry Bush, but they said it was better suited for a gynecologist.

 

Colton:We could make you a gynecologist if you want?

 

Joey:Really?

 

Sarah:No.Ok, enough with the name game.Joey, your characterís name is Dr. Ross Greco.Youíre going to be the chief Neurosurgeon.Since you deftly called us on our prank, I feel that youíre perfectly suited to play a Neurosurgeon.Here are your lines for the week, weíll see you tomorrow.

Joey:Ok.Thanks so much guys, I really appreciate the opportunity.

 

(Joey leaves)

 

Colton:You know, heís the first actor who actually took the names seriously.

 

Sarah:Yeah, itís pretty scary.Oh, and by the way, the next time weíre hiring an actor to play a doctor, the urologistís name is Dr. Dick Trickle.

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK(Joey and Ross are present)

 

Ross:So what did they name your character?

 

Joey:Dr. Ross Greco.Everyoneís gonna call me Ross though.Hey, Iíll be you on TV.

 

Ross:God help me!

 

THE END