Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong
to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane
Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is
for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Phoebe (to Monica): I can't believe your wedding's in three days!
Chandler (surprised): It's in three days?! (Monica looks at Chandler) It's in three days. I totally knew that, I was just testing you.
Ross: Chandler, are your parents coming to the wedding?
Chandler: Why? Do you wanna kiss my Mom again you mother kisser?
Joey: I totally forgot about that. Was she good Ross?
Rachel: Be careful how you answer that sweetie.
Chandler: Could we please stop talking about my Mom?
Phoebe: Is your Dad coming to the wedding Chandler?
Chandler: Let's talk about my Mom some more. Was she good Ross?
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Ross: Seriously Chandler, are your parents coming to the wedding?
Joey: Why, do you want to kiss his father too? (everyone stares at Joey) What? It's only funny when Chandler does it?
Chandler: Yes, my parents are coming. My Mom gets in tonight and my Dad gets in tomorrow. Joey's volunteered to take my Dad in.
Joey: What?! I volunteered to take your Mom in.
Chandler: Like I am gonna let my Mom stay with you.
Joey: No way, your Dad is not staying with me.
Monica: Why not?
Joey: Because he's not.
Phoebe: You're afraid to have him stay with you because he's gay.
Rachel: You so are. You're afraid that if he touches you, you'll turn gay.
Ross: You know, I hear that gay people have that power. Susan touched Carol and bingo, Carol became a lesbian. Gay as can be.
Rachel: That happened to this guy at work,
he was straight then all of the sudden he
became gay. Apparently one of our delivery
guys is gay
and he touched the guy, and bang, he was gay.
Joey: See, see, no way. Your Dad is not staying with me. I don't want to become gay. I like women and women like me.
Monica: Joey, they're kidding. You can't become gay by being touched. You're born that way.
Joey: I wasn't born gay.
Chandler: Exactly, you're straight. My Dad doesn't have the power to make you gay.
Phoebe: No, he only has the power to make you want to sleep with men.
Joey: Oh. Ok. Your Dad can stay with me. Wait a minute, I don't want to sleep with men.
Monica: Would you guys cut it out!
Chandler: Joe, you'll be fine and Monica and I will be across the hall with my Mom if you get freaked out.
Phoebe: Yeah Gay boy!
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica, and Nora - Chandler's Mom- enter)
Nora: You guys didn't have to pick me up at the airport.
Chandler: Well technically we didn't pick you up Mom, 'cause neither of us has a car.
Nora: Well you could have at least let me paid the cab fare.
Monica: Is there anything I can get you Mrs. Bing?
Nora: No, I'm fine and stop calling me Mrs. Bing.
Monica: What should I call you?
Monica: No, I can't call you Nora, that's too weird.
Nora: Then call me Mom. I always wanted
a daughter it's just that after Chandler
was born his father became more interested
himself and other men than me.
Chandler: Mom! Too much information!
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Ross: Hey guys. Oh, hello Nora, I mean Mrs. Bing.
Nora (goes over and hugs Ross): Ross, I haven't seen you since we .well you know.
Chandler: Thanks for bringing that up Mom.
Nora: Wow, Rachel you look so different.
And I see that Ross finally won you over
(looks at the ring on Rachel's left ring
finger). See I told
you Ross, a Paolo never sells, it's the nice guy in the long run that wins the race. So when is the wedding?
Rachel: It's in six months.
Monica: Six months?
Rachel: Yeah, we moved it up, we couldn't stand the wait.
(Phoebe and Joey enter)
Phoebe: Hey everyone!
Joey: I'm trying something new. Like it?
Chandler: What, are you four?
Joey: Mrs. Bing, how you doin?
Nora: Oh Joey it's so good to see you again.
Man: Ah, excuse me, does Chandler live here?
Chandler: Dad! What are you doing here? I thought you weren't getting in until tomorrow?
Man: Well I wrapped my show early and caught the first flight out of Las Vegas. Nora, how are you?
Nora: Hello David, good to see you.
Chandler: Well everybody, this is my dad David, Dad this is everybody. And Dad this is my fiancee Monica.
Monica: It's nice to meet you Mr. Bing.
David: Please call me David.
Joey: So you're gay huh?
David: Yes Joey, I'm gay, although I wasn't always gay. I used to be quite the womanizer, that's how I met Nora.
Rachel: Hey Joe, you're a womanizer.
Phoebe: You're halfway to gaydom.
Monica: Phoebe! Knock it off!
Phoebe: Who made you queen of the world?
Joey: I am not a queen!
Phoebe: I was talking to Monica gay boy.
Joey: Stop calling me that.
David: Joey, Chandler told me that you're
nervous about having me stay with you. I
promise I won't let my gayness rub off on
won't even know that I'm there. By the way, aren't the Knicks on right now?
Chandler: Yes they are baby! Bye Mon!
Joey: The Knicks rule!
(Joey, Chandler, and David exit)
Nora: Ross, arent you gonna watch the game with the guys?
Rachel: Ross? Yeah right!
Ross: I could watch the game!
Rachel: Then why are you still here?
Ross (quietly): 'Cause I don't like basketball and Joey and Chandler make fun of me 'cause I don't know much about the Knicks.
Rachel: Oh, that's ok honey, I know something you're very good at.
Nora: Sounds like Ross has been reading my books.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (The next morning. Chandler and Monica are sitting at the table eating breakfast)
Chandler: I don't see why you have to go to your parents tonight.
Monica: I told you, it's tradition. Besides, it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before they're married on their wedding day.
Chandler: But I'm already so nervous.
Monica: Why are you nervous?
Chandler: 'Cause marriage is a big deal and I don't ever want to lose you.
Monica: Chandler, I promise I'll never leave you. I love you. Now stop being a baby!
Chandler: I'm not marrying you now, you're mean!
Joey: Hey, what's up?
Chandler: So how's it going with my Dad?
Joey: It's going great. Man, he's great at foosball, way better than you.
Monica: Joey, that's great, see I told you it wouldn't be weird.
Chandler: So what's he doing now?
Joey: Trying on dresses for your wedding.
Joey: I'm kidding, he's talking to your Mom.
Chandler: That's even worse!
Monica: How is that worse?
Chandler: You can't leave those two alone in the same room for more than five minutes before they start fighting.
(Chandler, Monica and Joey go over to Joey's apartment. They open the door to find David and Nora kissing)
Joey: Doesn't look like they're fighting to me.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel & Phoebe are present)
Rachel: So Pheebs, are you bringing someone to the wedding?
Phoebe: Yeah, my new boyfriend.
Ross: Who's your new boyfriend?
Phoebe: It's a secret.
Rachel: As in Joey?
Phoebe: How did you figure that out so quick?
Rachel: Well gee, he was already your secret boyfriend once before.
Phoebe: Fine Ms. Sherlock. Look, Joey didn't have anyone to bring and neither did I, so we decided to go together.
Ross: Then why are you keeping it a secret?
Phoebe: To piss off Monica. She hates it when she doesn't know everything.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Continued for earlier)
Chandler: Would you guys care to explain what in the hell is going on here!?
Nora: Honey there's nothing going on here. I was just saying hello to your father.
Chandler: With your tongue in his mouth?!
David: Son, don't talk to your mother that way.
Chandler: I'm sorry Dad, it's just that
every time Mom's here she kisses someone
she shouldn't be kissing. First it was Ross,
now it's my gay
father. Who's next, Joey?
Joey: Actually Chandler, I meant to tell you about that.
Chandler: You kissed Joey too?
Nora: This morning at Central Perk. He was feeling down because his best friend is getting married so I kissed him to make him feel better.
Chandler: You couldn't have just bought him coffee?
Monica: This is unbelievable! (everyone looks at Monica) I think I'm gonna go pack. (Monica leaves)
Chandler: Joey, could you excuse us?
Joey: Sure. (Joey doesn't move)
Joey: This is my apartment! (Chandler stares at Joey) I think I'll go help Monica pack.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica, Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are present)
Joey: I thought you were packing?
Monica: I packed three weeks ago. Where's Chandler?
Joey: He's talking to his parents. He's pretty upset.
Rachel: Why is he upset?
Monica: Chandler saw his parents kissing.
Ross: Really? I thought his Dad was gay.
Rachel: Maybe he's like Duncan, he swings both ways.
Phoebe: That isn't the whole truth is it Joey?
Joey: Yeah it is.
Monica: No it's not.
Joey: Yes it is Monica!
Ross: Holy !@#$, you kissed Mrs. Bing!
Chandler (to Joey): I need to talk to you.
Joey: It wasn't me, it was Ross. He kissed her first.
Chandler: Outside Joey, now!
Joey: Ok, but before you hit me, can I just say that I'll never kiss your Mom again. Oh, and there was no tongue when we kissed.
Chandler: Joey, I'd shut up while you're behind.
OUTSIDE JOEY'S APARTMENT
Joey: Look Chandler, I didn't mean to kiss your Mom. It just happened.
Chandler: It's alright Joe, forget about it.
Chandler: No you idiot, I'm furious. What the hell were you thinking?
Joey: I dunno, I tend not to think a lot.
One minute we were talking and the next
we were kissing. I am so sorry Chandler,
purposefully kiss your Mom. You gotta forgive me.
Joey: So you forgive me?
Chandler: Yeah. I mean I can't stay mad
at you, after all, Ross set the precedent
when he kissed her. Just remember this,
if you do it again,
the Little General will be cut off from Central Command.
Joey: Who's the Little General? (pause) Oh, that Little General.
THE GELLER'S HOUSE (The Rehearsal Dinner is wrapping up. Cut to Chandler and Monica who are by the front door)
Monica: Chandler, are you ok? You're being awfully quiet.
Monica: Chandler, what's wrong?
Chandler: Nothing's wrong, I'm fine. It's
just really stressful having both of my
parents here. That and my guy friends seem
to have this thing
for my Mom.
Monica: Are still nervous about tomorrow?
Chandler: Yeah. Are you?
Monica: No not really.
Chandler: You're kidding?
Monica: I am. I am scared as hell.
(cut to Ross and Rachel)
Ross: I remember my wedding rehearsal dinner when I married Emily.
Ross: No, I don't miss Emily. I just remember feeling that it wasn't right without you being there.
Ross: Yeah. I mean, you're my best friend
and I really wanted you there. I don't think
I've told you this, but I was still in love
when I said your name at that wedding. I was just so afraid to admit it to myself.
Rachel: That's so sweet. You know that I love you, right?
Ross: I could use some convincing.
Rachel: Here? Now?
Ross: My old room is right upstairs.
(Cut to Joey and Phoebe)
Joey: So you're saying that if we're not married by the time we're thirty-five, you and I will get married?
Phoebe: Sure, why not? That's four years
from now. Heck, you will have dated over
500 women by that time. You should be able
to find a
wife or two out of those 500 women, but if you don't you'll always have me.
Joey: But what if you get married?
Phoebe: Then you're screwed.
(Cut to Jack, Judy, David and Nora)
David: You have a beautiful daughter in Monica, we'll be lucky to call her family.
Judy: Yes, I never thought she'd marry. Thank God for Chandler.
Jack: So David, is it true that your show in Las Vegas is called Viva Las Gaygas?
Jack: What? I am just making conversation.
David: Yes, it's called Viva Las Gaygas.
Jack: Are all the performers gay?
Jack: I worked with a gay person once. He never hit on me though.
Nora: Well then consider yourself lucky.
WEDDING DAY - AT THE CHURCH (Ross and Joey
are waiting with Chandler at the front of
Church by the altar. Rachel and Phoebe
are in the back of the Church with a nervous Monica.)
Ross: Remember, her name is Monica.
Chandler: I know! Only a moron would say the wrong name at a wedding.
Chandler: I'm sorry man, I'm just extremely nervous. I can't believe you've done this three times.
Ross: Well actually, I really only remember doing it twice. The third time I have no recollection of.
Joey: And now you're gonna be doing it for the fourth time. You're halfway to Elizabeth Taylor's number of marriages.
Ross: Yes Joey, and I plan on surpassing her, don't tell Rachel.
Ross: No you idiot.
(Cut to the back of the Church)
Rachel: How are you doing there Mon?
Monica: I think I am gonna be sick.
Phoebe: Are you pregnant? (Monica shoots Phoebe a look)
Monica: No. I'm just very nervous.
Phoebe: Relax. When I got married, I was totally relaxed.
Rachel: Pheebs, you've never been married.
Phoebe: I was married to Duncan.
Monica: You were relaxed because you thought he was gay.
Phoebe: And look how that turned out he is gay.
(Woman walks in)
Woman: Are you ready dear? It's time.
Monica: I'm ready. (Rachel and Phoebe hug Monica.)
Rachel: I love you Mon.
Phoebe: Everything's going to be great. Chandler's lucky to have you.
(Cut to the front of the Church, Chandler
is waiting for Monica, Ross and Joey have
moved to the back of the Church to escort
Rachel and Phoebe down the aisle. Pachabel's Canon in D starts playing and the procession begins. Joey and Phoebe are first,
followed by Ross and Rachel. The Bridal Chorus starts and the congregation rises, Monica is escorted down the aisle by her
father. Monica is already crying.)
Mr. Geller (to Chandler): Take good care of my little harmonica.
Chandler: Yes sir.
Mr. Geller: Call me dad.
Chandler: Yes dad.
(Chandler and Monica turn to face the Minister.
Ross and Joey are next to Chandler on the
right side and Rachel and Phoebe are next
Monica on the left side.)
Minister: We are gathered here today to
join Monica Geller and Chandler Bing in
matrimony. If there is anyone here who has
why these two shouldn't wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. (Pause) Then we shall proceed. Monica, repeat after me. I, Monica, take
thee Chandler to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Monica: I, Monica, take thee Chandler to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Minister: Now, Chandler, repeat after me.
I, Chandler, take thee Monica to be my lawfully
wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness
in health, till death parts us.
Chandler: I, Chandler, take thee take thee take thee .
Ross: Chandler, are you alright?
Chandler: I'm fine.
Monica: Chandler, what's wrong?
Chandler: I'm sorry Monica, I can't marry you. (Chandler leaves the altar, Monica breaks into tears and an uneasy silence grips the audience).
TO BE CONTINUED