THE ONE WHERE RACHEL COMFORTS MONICA

 

Written by:†† Ethan

††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast. Rachel is also reading a magazine)

 

Ross:So are you ready to tell everyone?

 

Rachel:Tell Ďem what?

 

Ross:That youíre pregnant.

 

Rachel:No.

 

Ross:Can I tell them?

 

Rachel:No.

 

Ross:So I have to be quiet?

 

Rachel:No.

 

Ross:Iím the best thing thatís ever happened to you.

 

Rachel:No.

 

Ross:Are you even listening to me?

 

Rachel:Huh?

 

Ross:Are you listening to me?

 

Rachel:Not really.

 

Ross:So I can tell them?

 

Rachel:Tell Ďem what?

 

Ross:That youíre a sex addict.

 

Rachel:Sure thatís fine. Now leave me alone.

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel are present)

 

Phoebe:Guess what?

 

Joey:The silicone in your chest is leaking.

 

Phoebe:No.I have a date tonight!

 

Chandler:Thatís great Pheebs.Thank God Iím not in the dating pool anymore, I really hated it.

 

Monica:You should consider getting out of the gene pool too.

 

Ross: Ainít that the truth.

 

Chandler:Well, wellÖ.ok, I donít have a comeback for that. Man, marriage is ruining my sense of humor.

 

Monica:Huh, thatís funny, itís really strengthened mine.

 

Joey:So whoís the lucky guy Phoebe?

 

Phoebe:His name is Norm, he works for the parks department.

 

Joey:Iíd run for the hills.What kinda name is Norm?

 

Chandler:In City Slickers it was the name of the calf that Billy Crystalís character brought home.

 

Ross:What does he do for the parks department Pheebs?

 

Phoebe:He picks up garbage.

 

Joey:Score!

 

Monica:Come on leave Phoebe alone, at least sheís dating Joey.Howíd you meet him?

 

Phoebe:I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich and feeding the squirrels when the wind picked up and blew my sandwich wrapper away.I went to pick it up and there was Norm.We just clicked right away.He told me that I was pretty and wanted to take me to dinner.Needless to say, I said yes.

 

Ross:I bet if you play your cards right, heíll clean your apartment too.

 

Phoebe:Make fun all you want.I, unlike you guys, donít judge people by what they do.I like Norm and Iím gonna go out with him.

 

(Rachel enters)

 

Chandler:Hey itís the sex addict.

 

Ross:Hey sweetie.

 

Rachel:Hey Joey.

 

Ross:Ah, I said hey sweetie.

 

Rachel:Oh sorry, I thought it was my lover on the side who was greeting me.

 

Joey:We still on for later Rach?

 

Rachel:You betcha lover.

 

Ross:What the hell is going on here?

 

Rachel:Would you relax, Joeyís going with me to pick out your birthday present.

 

Ross:Oh.

 

Chandler:How come I wasnít invited?

 

Phoebe:Because youíre not a man.

 

Chandler:Oh.(pause) Hey did anyone see that ice-skating special last night?

 

Monica:And you wonder why youíre not invited.Well I have to go, itís my first day back at work.

 

Chandler:Good luck honey.

 

Rachel:Bye Mon.

 

Ross:Monica, donít forget to call Dad later.

 

Monica:About what?

 

Ross:I donít know.He just said to call him.What am I, your message keeper?

 

Phoebe:Maybe, Ďcause your definitely not a man.

 

Rachel:Wrong Pheebs, heís more man than youíll ever experience.

 

Phoebe:Have you ever slept with Joey?

 

Rachel:Thankfully no.

 

Phoebe:Then you have no idea what youíre talking about.

 

Monica:On that note, Iím leaving.(Monica leaves)

 

Ross (to Rachel):So are you ready to tell them?

 

Rachel:Yeah, I guess.Guys, IímÖ.

 

Ross:Rachelís pregnant!

 

Rachel:Youíre a bastard Ross.

 

Ross:Sorry, I got excited.

 

Phoebe:From the look of your pants Iíd say so.(camera shows a wet spot in Rossí crotch area)

 

Chandler:Sorry about that Ross. Whyíd you wait until Monica was gone to tell us?

 

Rachel:I figured it would be best if I told Mon one on one.(Joey starts laughing)Grow up Joey, Iím not gonna sleep with Monica.

 

Joey:A man can dream canít he?Anyway, whoís the father?

 

Ross:For Rachelís sake it better be me.

 

Chandler:I donít know about that, your mailman is pretty hot.

 

Ross:Are you sure youíre not gay?

 

Phoebe:I call Godmother!

 

Ross:Ah, you just canít call Godmother.Thatís for Rachel and I to decide.

 

Phoebe:Thatís what you think.So how far along are you Rach?

 

Rachel:Two weeks.

 

Phoebe:Have you started puking your guts out yet?

 

Rachel:Ah, no.

 

Phoebe:Man, youíve had the best pregnancy so far.Though it can fun getting sick.Did I ever tell you guys how I taped my mouth shut so I wouldnít puke anymore and then got sick and it came out my nose?

 

(Everyone starts gagging)

 

SOMEWHERE IN NEW YORK CITY (Joey and Rachel are shopping)

 

Rachel:I hate shopping for Ross.I never know what to get him.

 

Joey:Oh I knowÖ.

 

Rachel:Iím not giving him a coupon of Rachel love.

 

Joey:Why not?It always works for me.

 

Rachel:Ok, what you and Ross do when youíre together is none of my business.

 

Joey:How about a subscription to Playboy?

 

Rachel:I got him that for Christmas and he still insists on having sex with me.

 

Joey:Is this gonna take all day?

 

Rachel:I dunno.Why?

 

Joey:Iíve gotta find a date for tonight.

 

Rachel:You just need fifteen minutes to do that.Whyís it so important?

 

Joey:It just is ok.

 

Rachel:Oh my God, you still have feelings for Phoebe.

 

Joey:No I donít.Itís just been three days since I last had sex.

 

ALLESANDROíS (Monica is working. Phoebe and Ross show up)

 

Ross:Hey Mon, whatís up?

 

Monica:Iím working you doofus.

 

Phoebe:I told him the same thing but he didnít believe me.

 

Monica:What are you guys doing here?

 

Phoebe:We stopped in to say hi.Oh, and to eat lunch too.

 

Monica:I thought my cooking made you sick the last time you ate when I was working.

 

Phoebe:It did.I took some compazine to ensure that I wouldnít throw up this time.

 

Ross:Has Rachel come to see you yet?

 

Monica:No.Why?

 

Ross:Oh itís nothing.She was just gonna come say hi.

 

Monica:Whatís going on?

 

Phoebe:Nothingís going on Mon.We just came for lunch.

 

Monica:Then why is Rachel coming to see me?

 

Phoebe:Probably to tell you that sheís pregnant.

 

Ross:Phoebe!

 

Monica:Rachelís pregnant?

 

Ross:I donít know anything about it.

 

Phoebe:Yeah, I was just guessing.Weíd better go eat lunch Ross, weíve got a lot to do today.

 

Ross:Bye Mon, weíll see you later.(Ross and Phoebe go to leave)

 

Monica:Come on guys, what does Rachel want to tell me?

 

Ross:Honestly, I donít know.

 

Monica:Ok youíre definitely lying.

 

Ross:No Iím not.

 

Monica:Then why is your hand shaking uncontrollably?

 

Phoebe:I think he really wants to pleasure himself.

 

Monica:Iím not gonna ask again.Is Rachel pregnant?

 

Phoebe:Sheís pregnant.

 

Ross:Damn it Phoebe! We werenít supposed to tell her.

 

Phoebe:Iím sorry.She beat it out of me.

 

Monica:Itís ok guys.Congratulations Ross.Iím happy for you both.But, Iíve got to get back to work.Iíll see you guys later.

 

Ross:Are you sure youíre ok?

 

Monica:Iím fine.Go eat lunch, itís on me.

 

Phoebe:Thanks Mon.Weíll see you later.(Phoebe and Ross leave.Monica returns to cooking and then the camera cuts to her face.Sheís crying.)

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel and Joey are present.Joeyís on the phone)

 

Joey:Is Crystal there?Hi Crystal, itís Joey.Joey Tribbiani.(pause)I know I was supposed to call you a week ago but Iíve been on assignment in Africa.(pause)Yeah, General Hospital was doing a shoot over there.I was taking care of an elephant.(pause) Do you wanna go out tonight?(pause) Ok.Iíll pick you up at seven.(pause)What should you wear? I donít know, surprise me. (pause) Yes, wearing underwear is optional. (pause)No, I wonít be wearing any.(pause) Ok, Iíll see you at seven.(Joey hangs up Ė to Rachel)Well Iíve got a date for tonight.

 

Rachel:Youíre pathetic. Africa?You donít even know where Africa is.

 

Joey:What?What are you talking about?Africa is in Europe.Besides, Crystal is as hot as they come.

 

Rachel:She sounds real classy.She actually wanted to know if underwear was optional?

 

Joey:Yeah.I only go out with women who donít wear underwear and she knows that.

 

Rachel:You went out with Phoebe.

 

Joey:Technically we didnít go out, we just did it 32 times.Do you wear underwear?

 

Rachel:Sorry, I do.

 

Joey:Thong?

 

Rachel:Iím not answering that question.

 

Joey:Come on Rach, you wear thongs donít you?

 

Rachel:I told you Iím not answering that question.

 

Joey:I think you wear thongs.

 

Rachel:Then let your imagination run wild.Do you think Ross will like the jacket I got him?

 

Joey:Sure.

 

Rachel:Maybe if I gave it to him completely naked.

 

Joey:You can give me the jacket then.

 

Rachel:†† Sorry Joe, Iím a one man woman now.Anyway, I have to go see Carol and Susan, do you wanna come?

 

Joey:Who are they?

 

Rachel:You know who they are.

 

Joey:I do?

 

Rachel:Rossís ex-wife and her lesbian partner.††

 

Joey:We get to see lesbians.Iím totally there.Man, this day just keeps getting better!

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)

 

Chandler:Tell me why again that Norm is picking you up here?

 

Phoebe:So he doesnít know where I live.

 

Chandler:Ah, why are you going out with him if you donít want him to know where you live?

 

Phoebe:Just in case he turns out to be a total loser.

 

Chandler:I thought you said he was cool.

 

Phoebe:He is.But if itís anything like when I first met you, then I wanna be sure that he doesnít know where I live.

 

Chandler:That makes sense.Hey wait a minute!Iím not a loser!

 

Phoebe:Iím kidding.Man, marriage really has destroyed your sense of humor. ††

 

(Monica enters)

 

Monica:Hey guys.

 

Phoebe:How are you doing Mon?

 

Monica:Iím fine.

 

Phoebe:So youíre ok with Rachel being pregnant?

 

Chandler:She knows?

 

Monica:I know and I really am ok with it.So I take it that your date is picking you up here Pheebs.

 

Phoebe:Howíd you know?

 

Monica:Cool vs. Loser, youíre undecided.

 

Phoebe:You know me too well.

 

CAROL & SUSANíS APARTMENT (Carol, Susan and Ben are present.Thereís a knock on the door.)

 

Carol:Who is it?

 

Rachel:Itís Rachel and Joey.

 

(Carol opens the door)

 

Carol:Hey guys.

 

Joey:How you doin?

 

Carol:Pretty good.How you doin?

 

Joey:Iím hungry.You got any food?

 

Carol:Help yourself.(Joey goes into the kitchen)

 

Rachel:You canít take that boy anywhere.

 

Susan:Hi Rachel.

 

Rachel:Hey Susan.Whereís Ben?

 

Susan:Heís in his room moping.Carol and I told him that he couldnít have ice cream for dinner.

 

(Joey emerges from the kitchen.Heís eating ice cream)

 

Joey:Whatís wrong with ice cream for dinner?

 

Susan:Apparently nothing in your case.

 

Carol:So whatís up?

 

Rachel:I got this idea for Rossís birthday present.

 

Joey:You guys are all gonna get it on with him?

 

Rachel:Shut up Joey!

 

Susan:So whatís your idea?

 

Rachel:I figured that the three of us and Ben take a picture together.Itíd be like a picture of Benís three mommies and Ben of course.

 

Carol:That is a good idea.

 

Susan:Are you sure I should be in it?

 

Rachel:Why wouldnít you be?

 

Susan:Ah, the fact that Ross doesnít like me rings a bell.

 

Rachel:Oh he just acts that way when youíre around.When heís alone with me he always comments on what a great mommy you are.

 

Susan:Really?

 

Rachel:Yeah.

 

Carol:Ah, what about me?

 

Rachel:You too Carol.He thinks you guys are doing a wonderful job raising Ben.Ross just wishes he had more time with Ben.

 

Carol:How does three whole weeks in row sound?

 

Rachel:Are you serious?

 

Susan:Yeah. Carol and I are going away to San Francisco for three weeks.

 

Joey:Ah yes, the gay capital of the United States.

 

Rachel:Joey!

 

Carol:Itís ok Rach, that is why weíre going there.

 

Rachel:So do you guys have time to take the picture?

 

Carol:When do you wanna do it?

 

Rachel:Well being that Rossís birthday is in a week, I figured sometime this week.

 

Susan:How about Wednesday?

 

Rachel:Sounds good.Iíll see you guys them.Letís go Tribbiani.

 

Joey:Can I have this?

 

Susan:Take it.

 

Joey:Lesbians rock.

 

Rachel (to Carol and Susan):Iím sorry I brought Joey, but it was my turn to babysit.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Rachel and Joey are present)

 

Phoebe:Now look, I donít want you guys embarrassing me when Norm gets here.

 

Chandler:We wouldnít do that to you Phoebe, we all care for you.

 

Monica:Yeah Pheebs, Iíll make sure Chandler behaves himself.

 

Ross:What about me?

 

Phoebe:Youíre a geek like Norm, so Iím not really worried about you.†††

 

Ross:Huh, Iím not a geek.I guess Iíll have to embarrass you.

 

Monica:Ross honey, you are a geek.You teach a class about dinosaurs and you have a dinosaur collection that you still play with.

 

Ross:Whatever.

 

(thereís a knock on the door)

 

Phoebe:Now thatís Norm, donít say a word.(opens the door to reveal Norm who is actually a very good looking man)Hey Norm.Ready to go?

 

Norm:Canít I at least meet your friends?

 

Phoebe:Sure.Thatís Monica (points to Monica)Thatís Chandler, Monicaís husband.Oh and thatís Ross, the geek I was telling you about. (Ross is now furious)

 

Norm:Nice to meet you all.

 

Ross:Hey Norm, watch out for Phoebe tonight.She really likes to tie down her dates to the bed post and leave them there.(Now Phoebe is furious)

 

Norm:Thanks, Iíll remember that.

 

(Joey and Rachel enter)

 

Rachel:Hi!I donít know you.Iím Rossís wife Rachel.

 

Norm (to Phoebe):I thought you said Ross was a geek.His wife is totally hot.

 

Phoebe:Trust me, heís a geek.

 

Joey:Hey, you must be Norm.Iím Joey.Watch out for Phoebe, she can go all night if you know what I mean.

 

Norm:Have you dated Phoebe in the past?

 

Joey:No, we just have sex together when our dating lives are slow.

 

Phoebe (who now wants to kill Joey):Ok, thatís why I didnít want you to meet my friends.Ready to go?Bye guys.

 

All:Bye Phoebe, bye Norm.

 

(Phoebe and Norm leave)

 

Joey:Where were they going?

 

Monica:I think they were going to Sorentinoís.

 

Joey:Cool.I better go pick up Crystal.

 

Ross:Whoís Crystal?

 

Rachel:Joeyís underwearless date for the evening.

 

Chandler:Still holding women up to your clothing standards I see Joey.

 

Joey:Of course, thereís no other way to judge a womanís sexual potential.She just better be wearing a dress.

 

Rachel (to Joey):You define the word pig.

 

Chandler:Ready to go Ross?

 

Ross:Yeah.

 

Monica:Where are you two off to?

 

Chandler:I told you, weíre going to the coffee house.

 

Monica:Fine.

 

Rachel:Ross, arenít you gonna ask me if you can go?

 

Ross (whining):Rach, what did I tell you about that?

 

(Chandler and Ross go to leave)

 

Chandler (to Ross):Dude, youíre more whipped then I am.

 

Monica:I heard that Chandler.

 

Chandler:We better go before Monica changes her mind.

 

(Chandler and Ross leave)

 

Rachel:I guess itís just like old times, you and I alone on a Saturday night.Actually, thereís something I have been meaning to tell youÖ.

 

Monica (breaking down in tears):I know.Youíre pregnant.

 

SORENTINOíS (Phoebe and Norm are having dinner)

 

Norm: So was Joey being serious?

 

Phoebe:About what?

 

Norm:That you two have casual sex.††

 

Phoebe:Had.We had casual sex once.We donít do that anymore.

 

Norm:So thereís nothing going on between you two.

 

Phoebe:Nope.Heís just my best friend.Enough about me, what do you like to do?

 

Norm:I like to pick-up garbage.I walk down the street and if I see garbage, I have to pick it up.

 

Phoebe:Oh, so youíre like an environmentalist.I really like people like that.

 

Norm:No itís much more than that.I hate garbage.I feel it is my duty to rid New York City of all its garbage.

 

Phoebe:Wow!Thatís like superhero stuff.

 

Norm:Well, I donít like to brag.

 

(Joey and Crystal enter)

 

Phoebe (hiding behind the menu):Oh my God, what is he doing here?

 

Norm:Who?

 

Phoebe:Joey, Joeyís here with his date.

 

Norm:Should I invite them over?

 

(Joey sees Norm and Phoebe)

 

Phoebe:No.

 

Joey:Hey guys, funny to bump into you here.Norm, Phoebe, this is Crystal.

 

Norm/Phoebe:Hi.

 

Joey:Do you mind if we join you?

 

Phoebe:Yes we mind.

 

Norm:Come on Phoebe, thatís no way to treat your friends.Have a seat guys.

 

Crystal:I just love this place Joey, itís so much classier than the place we normally go.

 

Phoebe:Whereís that?

 

Crystal:Burger World.

 

Joey:So what are you guys doing after dinner?

 

Norm:Weíre going to the movies.Have you seen Rock Star?

 

Phoebe:Yes he has.

 

Joey (to Phoebe):No I havenít.Isnít that the movie Jennifer is in?

 

Phoebe:Yes it is Joey.

 

Joey:We are so there.†† (to Crystal)Weíre going to the movies.

 

Crystal:Wow!A fancy dinner and a trip to the movies, youíre gonna get so lucky Joey.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Continued from before)

 

Rachel:Who told you Mon?

 

Monica:Phoebe and Ross.

 

Rachel:Iím gonna kill those two.Come here honey, itís gonna be ok.

 

Monica:I really am happy for you.

 

Rachel:I know.I didnít mean for you to find out from them.I wanted to tell you myself.

 

Monica:I know.I donít know why Iím crying, I really am happy for you.

 

Rachel:Youíre crying because, well you know why.

 

Monica:I thought I was over the whole miscarriage thing.I guess Iím not.

 

Rachel:Mon, you lost something that was very important to you.Thatís gonna take some time to get over.Hey, donít forget, the doctor said you can still have children.

 

Monica:But youíre the one knocked up and not me.

 

Rachel:True.(pause) But hey, that doesnít mean we canít sleep together anymore.

 

Monica:Sorry, I donít sleep with pregnant women.

 

Rachel:If only your brother was like that.

 

Monica:This is why I love you.

 

Rachel:What?

 

Monica:Youíre always there to comfort me when Iím down.

 

Rachel:Thatís what best friends are for.

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

JOEYíS (PHOEBEíS) APARTMENT (Joey is in bed with someone)

 

Joey:Well that was definitely better than the last time.

 

Woman (from under the covers) speaks but you canít hear her.

 

Joey:I didnít hear you.Come up for air.

 

Phoebe:I said, you bet your ass that was better than last time.†††††††