THE ONE WHERE RACHEL COMFORTS MONICA
Written by:†† Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast. Rachel is also reading a magazine)
Ross:† So are you ready to tell everyone?
Rachel:† Tell Ďem what?
Ross:† That youíre pregnant.†
Ross:† Can I tell them?
Ross:† So I have to be quiet?
Ross:† Iím the best thing thatís ever happened to you.†
Ross:† Are you even listening to me?
Ross:† Are you listening to me?
Rachel:† Not really.†
Ross:† So I can tell them?
Rachel:† Tell Ďem what?
Ross:† That youíre a sex addict.
Rachel:† Sure thatís fine. Now leave me alone.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel are present)†
Phoebe:† Guess what?
Joey:† The silicone in your chest is leaking.†
Phoebe:† No.† I have a date tonight!
Chandler:† Thatís great Pheebs.† Thank God Iím not in the dating pool anymore, I really hated it.†
Monica:† You should consider getting out of the gene pool too.†
Ross: Ainít that the truth.†
Chandler:† Well, wellÖ.ok, I donít have a comeback for that. Man, marriage is ruining my sense of humor.†
Monica:† Huh, thatís funny, itís really strengthened mine.
Joey:† So whoís the lucky guy Phoebe?
Phoebe:† His name is Norm, he works for the parks department.†
Joey:† Iíd run for the hills.† What kinda name is Norm?
Chandler:† In City Slickers it was the name of the calf that Billy Crystalís character brought home.
Ross:† What does he do for the parks department Pheebs?
Phoebe:† He picks up garbage.†
Monica:† Come on leave Phoebe alone, at least sheís dating Joey.† Howíd you meet him?
Phoebe:† I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich and feeding the squirrels when the wind picked up and blew my sandwich wrapper away.† I went to pick it up and there was Norm.† We just clicked right away.† He told me that I was pretty and wanted to take me to dinner.† Needless to say, I said yes.†
Ross:† I bet if you play your cards right, heíll clean your apartment too.†
Phoebe:† Make fun all you want.† I, unlike you guys, donít judge people by what they do.† I like Norm and Iím gonna go out with him.†
Chandler:† Hey itís the sex addict.
Ross:† Hey sweetie.†
Rachel:† Hey Joey.†
Ross:† Ah, I said hey sweetie.
Rachel:† Oh sorry, I thought it was my lover on the side who was greeting me.†
Joey:† We still on for later Rach?
Rachel:† You betcha lover.†
Ross:† What the hell is going on here?
Rachel:† Would you relax, Joeyís going with me to pick out your birthday present.†
Chandler:† How come I wasnít invited?
Phoebe:† Because youíre not a man.†
Chandler:† Oh.† (pause) Hey did anyone see that ice-skating special last night?
Monica:† And you wonder why youíre not invited.† Well I have to go, itís my first day back at work.
Chandler:† Good luck honey.†
Rachel:† Bye Mon.
Ross:† Monica, donít forget to call Dad later.†
Monica:† About what?
Ross:† I donít know.† He just said to call him.† What am I, your message keeper?
Phoebe:† Maybe, Ďcause your definitely not a man.†
Rachel:† Wrong Pheebs, heís more man than youíll ever experience.†
Phoebe:† Have you ever slept with Joey?
Rachel:† Thankfully no.†
Phoebe:† Then you have no idea what youíre talking about.†
Monica:† On that note, Iím leaving.† (Monica leaves)
Ross (to Rachel):† So are you ready to tell them?
Rachel:† Yeah, I guess.† Guys, IímÖ.
Ross:† Rachelís pregnant!
Rachel:† Youíre a bastard Ross.
Ross:† Sorry, I got excited.
Phoebe:† From the look of your pants Iíd say so.† (camera shows a wet spot in Rossí crotch area)
Chandler:† Sorry about that Ross. Whyíd you wait until Monica was gone to tell us?
Rachel:† I figured it would be best if I told Mon one on one.† (Joey starts laughing)† Grow up Joey, Iím not gonna sleep with Monica.†
Joey:† A man can dream canít he?† Anyway, whoís the father?
Ross:† For Rachelís sake it better be me.†
Chandler:† I donít know about that, your mailman is pretty hot.
Ross:† Are you sure youíre not gay?
Phoebe:† I call Godmother!
Ross:† Ah, you just canít call Godmother.† Thatís for Rachel and I to decide.
Phoebe:† Thatís what you think.† So how far along are you Rach?
Rachel:† Two weeks.†
Phoebe:† Have you started puking your guts out yet?
Rachel:† Ah, no.†
Phoebe:† Man, youíve had the best pregnancy so far.† Though it can fun getting sick.† Did I ever tell you guys how I taped my mouth shut so I wouldnít puke anymore and then got sick and it came out my nose?
(Everyone starts gagging)
SOMEWHERE IN NEW YORK CITY (Joey and Rachel are shopping)
Rachel:† I hate shopping for Ross.† I never know what to get him.†
Joey:† Oh I knowÖ.
Rachel:† Iím not giving him a coupon of Rachel love.†
Joey:† Why not?† It always works for me.†
Rachel:† Ok, what you and Ross do when youíre together is none of my business.†
Joey:† How about a subscription to Playboy?
Rachel:† I got him that for Christmas and he still insists on having sex with me.†
Joey:† Is this gonna take all day?
Rachel:† I dunno.† Why?
Joey:† Iíve gotta find a date for tonight.†
Rachel:† You just need fifteen minutes to do that.† Whyís it so important?
Joey:† It just is ok.†
Rachel:† Oh my God, you still have feelings for Phoebe.†
Joey:† No I donít.† Itís just been three days since I last had sex.†
ALLESANDROíS (Monica is working. Phoebe and Ross show up)
Ross:† Hey Mon, whatís up?
Monica:† Iím working you doofus.†
Phoebe:† I told him the same thing but he didnít believe me.†
Monica:† What are you guys doing here?
Phoebe:† We stopped in to say hi.† Oh, and to eat lunch too.†
Monica:† I thought my cooking made you sick the last time you ate when I was working.†
Phoebe:† It did.† I took some compazine to ensure that I wouldnít throw up this time.†
Ross:† Has Rachel come to see you yet?
Monica:† No.† Why?
Ross:† Oh itís nothing.† She was just gonna come say hi.†
Monica:† Whatís going on?
Phoebe:† Nothingís going on Mon.† We just came for lunch.†
Monica:† Then why is Rachel coming to see me?
Phoebe:† Probably to tell you that sheís pregnant.†
Monica:† Rachelís pregnant?
Ross:† I donít know anything about it.†
Phoebe:† Yeah, I was just guessing.† Weíd better go eat lunch Ross, weíve got a lot to do today.†
Ross:† Bye Mon, weíll see you later.† (Ross and Phoebe go to leave)
Monica:† Come on guys, what does Rachel want to tell me?†
Ross:† Honestly, I donít know.†
Monica:† Ok youíre definitely lying.†
Ross:† No Iím not.†
Monica:† Then why is your hand shaking uncontrollably?
Phoebe:† I think he really wants to pleasure himself.†
Monica:† Iím not gonna ask again.† Is Rachel pregnant?
Phoebe:† Sheís pregnant.†
Ross:† Damn it Phoebe! We werenít supposed to tell her.†
Phoebe:† Iím sorry.† She beat it out of me.†
Monica:† Itís ok guys.† Congratulations Ross.† Iím happy for you both.† But, Iíve got to get back to work.† Iíll see you guys later.†
Ross:† Are you sure youíre ok?
Monica:† Iím fine.† Go eat lunch, itís on me.†
Phoebe:† Thanks Mon.† Weíll see you later.† (Phoebe and Ross leave.† Monica returns to cooking and then the camera cuts to her face.† Sheís crying.)
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel and Joey are present.† Joeyís on the phone)
Joey:† Is Crystal there?† Hi Crystal, itís Joey.† Joey Tribbiani.† (pause)† I know I was supposed to call you a week ago but Iíve been on assignment in Africa.† (pause)† Yeah, General Hospital was doing a shoot over there.† I was taking care of an elephant.† (pause) Do you wanna go out tonight?† (pause) Ok.† Iíll pick you up at seven.† (pause)† What should you wear? I donít know, surprise me. (pause) Yes, wearing underwear is optional. (pause)† No, I wonít be wearing any.† (pause) Ok, Iíll see you at seven.† (Joey hangs up Ė to Rachel)† Well Iíve got a date for tonight.†
Rachel:† Youíre pathetic. Africa?† You donít even know where Africa is.
Joey:† What?† What are you talking about?† Africa is in Europe.† Besides, Crystal is as hot as they come.†
Rachel:† She sounds real classy.† She actually wanted to know if underwear was optional?
Joey:† Yeah.† I only go out with women who donít wear underwear and she knows that.†
Rachel:† You went out with Phoebe.†
Joey:† Technically we didnít go out, we just did it 32 times.† Do you wear underwear?
Rachel:† Sorry, I do.†
Rachel:† Iím not answering that question.
Joey:† Come on Rach, you wear thongs donít you?
Rachel:† I told you Iím not answering that question.†
Joey:† I think you wear thongs.†
Rachel:† Then let your imagination run wild.† Do you think Ross will like the jacket I got him?
Rachel:† Maybe if I gave it to him completely naked.†
Joey:† You can give me the jacket then.
Rachel:†† Sorry Joe, Iím a one man woman now.† Anyway, I have to go see Carol and Susan, do you wanna come?
Joey:† Who are they?
Rachel:† You know who they are.
Joey:† I do?
Rachel:† Rossís ex-wife and her lesbian partner.††
Joey:† We get to see lesbians.† Iím totally there.† Man, this day just keeps getting better!
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)
Chandler:† Tell me why again that Norm is picking you up here?†
Phoebe:† So he doesnít know where I live.†
Chandler:† Ah, why are you going out with him if you donít want him to know where you live?
Phoebe:† Just in case he turns out to be a total loser.
Chandler:† I thought you said he was cool.
Phoebe:† He is.† But if itís anything like when I first met you, then I wanna be sure that he doesnít know where I live.†
Chandler:† That makes sense.† Hey wait a minute!† Iím not a loser!
Phoebe:† Iím kidding.† Man, marriage really has destroyed your sense of humor. ††
Monica:† Hey guys.
Phoebe:† How are you doing Mon?
Monica:† Iím fine.†
Phoebe:† So youíre ok with Rachel being pregnant?
Chandler:† She knows?
Monica:† I know and I really am ok with it.† So I take it that your date is picking you up here Pheebs.
Phoebe:† Howíd you know?
Monica:† Cool vs. Loser, youíre undecided.†
Phoebe:† You know me too well.†
CAROL & SUSANíS APARTMENT (Carol, Susan and Ben are present.† Thereís a knock on the door.)
Carol:† Who is it?
Rachel:† Itís Rachel and Joey.†
(Carol opens the door)
Carol:† Hey guys.†
Joey:† How you doin?
Carol:† Pretty good.† How you doin?
Joey:† Iím hungry.† You got any food?
Carol:† Help yourself.† (Joey goes into the kitchen)†
Rachel:† You canít take that boy anywhere.
Susan:† Hi Rachel.†
Rachel:† Hey Susan.† Whereís Ben?†
Susan:† Heís in his room moping.† Carol and I told him that he couldnít have ice cream for dinner.†
(Joey emerges from the kitchen.† Heís eating ice cream)†
Joey:† Whatís wrong with ice cream for dinner?
Susan:† Apparently nothing in your case.†
Carol:† So whatís up?
Rachel:† I got this idea for Rossís birthday present.†
Joey:† You guys are all gonna get it on with him?
Rachel:† Shut up Joey!
Susan:† So whatís your idea?
Rachel:† I figured that the three of us and Ben take a picture together.† Itíd be like a picture of Benís three mommies and Ben of course.†
Carol:† That is a good idea.†
Susan:† Are you sure I should be in it?
Rachel:† Why wouldnít you be?
Susan:† Ah, the fact that Ross doesnít like me rings a bell.
Rachel:† Oh he just acts that way when youíre around.† When heís alone with me he always comments on what a great mommy you are.†
Carol:† Ah, what about me?†
Rachel:† You too Carol.† He thinks you guys are doing a wonderful job raising Ben.† Ross just wishes he had more time with Ben.†
Carol:† How does three whole weeks in row sound?
Rachel:† Are you serious?
Susan:† Yeah. Carol and I are going away to San Francisco for three weeks.†
Joey:† Ah yes, the gay capital of the United States.†
Carol:† Itís ok Rach, that is why weíre going there.
Rachel:† So do you guys have time to take the picture?
Carol:† When do you wanna do it?†
Rachel:† Well being that Rossís birthday is in a week, I figured sometime this week.
Susan:† How about Wednesday?
Rachel:† Sounds good.† Iíll see you guys them.† Letís go Tribbiani.†
Joey:† Can I have this?†
Susan:† Take it.†
Joey:† Lesbians rock.†
Rachel (to Carol and Susan):† Iím sorry I brought Joey, but it was my turn to babysit.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Rachel and Joey are present)
Phoebe:† Now look, I donít want you guys embarrassing me when Norm gets here.†
Chandler:† We wouldnít do that to you Phoebe, we all care for you.†
Monica:† Yeah Pheebs, Iíll make sure Chandler behaves himself.†
Ross:† What about me?
Phoebe:† Youíre a geek like Norm, so Iím not really worried about you.†††
Ross:† Huh, Iím not a geek.† I guess Iíll have to embarrass you.†
Monica:† Ross honey, you are a geek.† You teach a class about dinosaurs and you have a dinosaur collection that you still play with.†
(thereís a knock on the door)
Phoebe:† Now thatís Norm, donít say a word.† (opens the door to reveal Norm who is actually a very good looking man)† Hey Norm.† Ready to go?
Norm:† Canít I at least meet your friends?
Phoebe:† Sure.† Thatís Monica (points to Monica)† Thatís Chandler, Monicaís husband.† Oh and thatís Ross, the geek I was telling you about. (Ross is now furious)
Norm:† Nice to meet you all.
Ross:† Hey Norm, watch out for Phoebe tonight.† She really likes to tie down her dates to the bed post and leave them there.† (Now Phoebe is furious)
Norm:† Thanks, Iíll remember that.
(Joey and Rachel enter)
Rachel:† Hi!† I donít know you.† Iím Rossís wife Rachel.†
Norm (to Phoebe):† I thought you said Ross was a geek.† His wife is totally hot.†
Phoebe:† Trust me, heís a geek.
Joey:† Hey, you must be Norm.† Iím Joey.† Watch out for Phoebe, she can go all night if you know what I mean.†
Norm:† Have you dated Phoebe in the past?
Joey:† No, we just have sex together when our dating lives are slow.†
Phoebe (who now wants to kill Joey):† Ok, thatís why I didnít want you to meet my friends.† Ready to go?† Bye guys.
All:† Bye Phoebe, bye Norm.†
(Phoebe and Norm leave)
Joey:† Where were they going?
Monica:† I think they were going to Sorentinoís.
Joey:† Cool.† I better go pick up Crystal.†
Ross:† Whoís Crystal?
Rachel:† Joeyís underwearless date for the evening.†
Chandler:† Still holding women up to your clothing standards I see Joey.†
Joey:† Of course, thereís no other way to judge a womanís sexual potential.† She just better be wearing a dress.†
Rachel (to Joey):† You define the word pig.
Chandler:† Ready to go Ross?
Monica:† Where are you two off to?
Chandler:† I told you, weíre going to the coffee house.†
Rachel:† Ross, arenít you gonna ask me if you can go?
Ross (whining):† Rach, what did I tell you about that?
(Chandler and Ross go to leave)
Chandler (to Ross):† Dude, youíre more whipped then I am.†
Monica:† I heard that Chandler.†
Chandler:† We better go before Monica changes her mind.†
(Chandler and Ross leave)
Rachel:† I guess itís just like old times, you and I alone on a Saturday night.† Actually, thereís something I have been meaning to tell youÖ.
Monica (breaking down in tears):† I know.† Youíre pregnant.†
SORENTINOíS (Phoebe and Norm are having dinner)
Norm: †So was Joey being serious?
Phoebe:† About what?
Norm:† That you two have casual sex.††
Phoebe:† Had.† We had casual sex once.† We donít do that anymore.†
Norm:† So thereís nothing going on between you two.†
Phoebe:† Nope.† Heís just my best friend.† Enough about me, what do you like to do?
Norm:† I like to pick-up garbage.† I walk down the street and if I see garbage, I have to pick it up.
Phoebe:† Oh, so youíre like an environmentalist.† I really like people like that.†
Norm:† No itís much more than that.† I hate garbage.† I feel it is my duty to rid New York City of all its garbage.†
Phoebe:† Wow!† Thatís like superhero stuff.†
Norm:† Well, I donít like to brag.†
(Joey and Crystal enter)
Phoebe (hiding behind the menu):† Oh my God, what is he doing here?
Phoebe:† Joey, Joeyís here with his date.†
Norm:† Should I invite them over?†
(Joey sees Norm and Phoebe)
Joey:† Hey guys, funny to bump into you here.† Norm, Phoebe, this is Crystal.
Joey:† Do you mind if we join you?
Phoebe:† Yes we mind.
Norm:† Come on Phoebe, thatís no way to treat your friends.† Have a seat guys.†
Crystal:† I just love this place Joey, itís so much classier than the place we normally go.†
Phoebe:† Whereís that?
Crystal:† Burger World.
Joey:† So what are you guys doing after dinner?
Norm:† Weíre going to the movies.† Have you seen Rock Star?
Phoebe:† Yes he has.†
Joey (to Phoebe):† No I havenít.† Isnít that the movie Jennifer is in?
Phoebe:† Yes it is Joey.†
Joey:† We are so there.†† (to Crystal)† Weíre going to the movies.†
Crystal:† Wow!† A fancy dinner and a trip to the movies, youíre gonna get so lucky Joey.†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Continued from before)
Rachel:† Who told you Mon?
Monica:† Phoebe and Ross.†
Rachel:† Iím gonna kill those two.† Come here honey, itís gonna be ok.†
Monica:† I really am happy for you.†
Rachel:† I know.† I didnít mean for you to find out from them.† I wanted to tell you myself.
Monica:† I know.† I donít know why Iím crying, I really am happy for you.†
Rachel:† Youíre crying because, well you know why.†
Monica:† I thought I was over the whole miscarriage thing.† I guess Iím not.†
Rachel:† Mon, you lost something that was very important to you.† Thatís gonna take some time to get over.† Hey, donít forget, the doctor said you can still have children.†
Monica:† But youíre the one knocked up and not me.†
Rachel:† True.† (pause) But hey, that doesnít mean we canít sleep together anymore.†
Monica:† Sorry, I donít sleep with pregnant women.†
Rachel:† If only your brother was like that.†
Monica:† This is why I love you.
Monica:† Youíre always there to comfort me when Iím down.†
Rachel:† Thatís what best friends are for.†
JOEYíS (PHOEBEíS) APARTMENT (Joey is in bed with someone)
Joey:† Well that was definitely better than the last time.†
Woman (from under the covers) speaks but you canít hear her.
Joey:† I didnít hear you.† Come up for air.†
Phoebe:† I said, you bet your ass that was better than last time.†††††††