THE ONE WITH THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
Written by:†† firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present, including Courteney)
Chandler:† I see that you left work early Courteney.† Thatís not a good way to impress the boss.
Joey:† Trust me Chandler, she knows how to impress the boss, if you know what I mean.
Monica (to Chandler):† You should take lessons from Courteney.
Chandler:† Are you telling me to sleep with my secretary who happens to be Joeyís girlfriend?
Monica:† Ah noÖ.damn it!† I canít believe I screwed that up!†
Chandler (to Monica):† Letís leave the jokes to the professionals.†
Phoebe:† Whatís everyone doing tonight?
Ross:† Youíre looking at Pheebs.†
Phoebe:† Looking at what?
Rachel:† Weíre not doing anything Phoebe.†
Phoebe (to Ross):† Seriously, what were you looking at?
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from Before)
Monica:† Actually, Chandler and I are meeting with a realtor tonight.
Joey:† Whatís a realtor?
Chandler:† A person that sells real estate.
Joey:† You guys are gonna buy the apartment building?
Monica:† No.† Weíre looking to buy a house on Long Island.†
Monica:† Yeah.† Itís not like we can stay here in the City forever.†
Ross:† Move to Scarsdale.††††
Rachel:† Oh great, here it comes again.
Ross:† What?† Do you have something against Scarsdale?
Rachel:† God no!† Youíve only had us moving there since the first time we were together.† Monica, Chandler, you guys should definitely move to Scarsdale.† Theyíve got a great school system and while the taxes are a little high, Monicaís parents will be close enough to babysit the two kids youíre gonna have.†
Ross:† Rachel, youíre giving away our plan!
Rachel:† Oh.† Sorry.†
Chandler:† Well as lovely as Scarsdale sounds, Monica and I wanna live in Long Island.†
Phoebe:† You guys should live in the Hamptons.
Monica:† Phoebe, youíre the only one of us who can afford to live in the Hamptons.† The rest of us donít have any money.†
Phoebe:† God, it sucks being the only rich friend.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are getting ready to go somewhere)
Rachel:† Would you hurry up!
Ross:† I donít wanna go.†
Rachel:† Youíre going!† If our pending marriage is gonna work, we have got to get all the crap on the table now.†
Ross:† I should have left you on the roof.† (Rachel glares at Ross) Sorry, that was mean.† Look, I have had plenty of practice at marriage.† Why do I have to go to counselor now?† This is my fourth marriage.†
Rachel:† And thanks to you, this is my second.† And by the way, your track record at marriage sucks.
Ross:†† Hey, you were the one that suggested that we get married in Vegas.† And hey, my track record doesnít suck.† (Rachel just looks at Ross)† Ok, it does.† Letís go.† Who are we going to see?
Rachel:† For the tenth time, weíre seeing Dr. Brady Guertin. Jennifer highly recommended him.† She used to see him when she lived in New York.†
Ross:† You told Jennifer about our fight?
Rachel (weakly):† Yes.†
Ross:† Well it looks like I have something to put on the crap table now!
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are hanging out)
Phoebe: Whereís the duck?
Joey:† Oh yeah the duck, yeah, I ate him.†
Joey:† Well I was out of food and Monica and Chandler stopped feeding me.† I had to eat something.
Phoebe:† Then eat the lint in your belly button!† I canít believe you ate the duck!† What about the chick?† Whereís the chick?
Joey:† Yeah, I ate her a couple of weeks ago.† Shake n Baked her.† It was tough getting all the feathers off though.
Phoebe:† I canít believe you!† Youíre a vile, disgusting pig!
Joey:† Come on Pheebs, theyíre just animals.† It was only a matter of time before somebody ate them.†
Phoebe:† My ears! My ears! Iím leaving, you, you flesh eating barbarian!
Joey:† Ah Pheebs, before you leave, could you open the bathroom door?
Joey:† Please just open the door.†
Phoebe (walking towards the bathroom):† Fine.
(Phoebe opens the door and the chick and the duck come walking out.† Phoebe looks on in shock)
Joey:† Iíll see you later Pheebs.
Phoebe:† Iím gonna kick your ass Tribbiani.† That was so not funny!
THE OFFICES OF DR. BRADY GUERTIN (Ross and Rachel are meeting with the Doctor)
Dr. Guertin:† And you two have been together how long?
Ross:† Off and on for about five years.
Rachel:† More off than on.† We dated for a year, he cheated on me, and I dumped him.† Then we got back together a year ago.†
Ross:† Oh, we did get married two years ago.†
Dr. Guertin:† Let me get this straight, youíve already been married once before?†
Ross:† But we were drunk, in Las Vegas and weíd thought it would be funny if we got married.†
Dr. Guertin:† Funny to who?
Rachel:† To us.† We were drunk.†
Dr. Guertin:† I see.† (to Ross) Anyway, it says here that youíve been married three times already.† Do you like wedding ceremonies or are you just really bad at marriage?
Ross: No.† The first marriage failed because my ex-wife became a lesbian.† The second marriage ended because I refused to give up Rachel as my friend.†
Rachel:† It also didnít help that you said my name at the altar instead of Emilyís.†
Dr. Guertin:† You said Rachelís name at the altar?
Dr. Guertin:† Why?
Ross:† Itís a long story.†
Dr. Guertin:† Thatís why Iím here.† Ok. Weíll come back to that.† And the last marriage was a drunken mistake?†
Rachel:† Was it ever a mistake.† He lied to me and told me that he got an annulment but he never did.† We were married for like four months.†
Ross:† Another case of bad judgment on my part.†
Rachel:† That happens a lot.
Ross:† You should talk.† You kissed your co-worker after we got engaged!
Rachel:† Oh yeah?† And me walking in on you kissing a naked woman on our bed wasnít a bad case of judgment on your part?
Dr. Guertin:† Ah, before you start fighting, if I may interrupt, when is your wedding?
Rachel:† In five weeks.†
Dr. Guertin:† Ok.† I think I should see you three times a week until then.† How does that sound?
Ross:† Three times a week?† Why?
Dr. Guertin:† Because based on what Iíve heard today, itís gonna take that much time to figure you guys out.†
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Courteney are present)
Courteney:† Did you order the pizza?
Joey:† I thought you were going to.†
Courteney:† You said you were going to.
Joey: No I didnít.†
Courteney:† Yes, you did.†
Joey:† Oh.† Do you wanna go out for dinner?
Joey:† Well then what do you want to do?
Courteney:† I wanna move in with you.
(Joeyís face turns white)
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are returning from their visit with the realtor)
Monica:† That last house we saw was so beautiful.† I wanna buy it.
Chandler:† It was half a million dollars!† Do you have $500,000 lying in a mattress someplace that I donít know about?
Chandler:† Well then how are we gonna afford the house?
Monica:† Ask Phoebe for the down payment?
Chandler:† What?† (pause)† Thatís not a bad idea.† You ask her.
Monica:† Are you crazy?† I was just kidding!
Phoebe:† Hey guys!† How was the house hunting?
Monica:† It was great.† We found a house that we really liked.† Actually, Chandler has a question for you.† (Chandler shoots Monica a dirty look)
Phoebe:† Oh.† What?
Phoebe:† Come on, what is it?
Chandler:† Do you have $300,000 we could borrow?† No.† Thatís ok, doesnít hurt to ask.† See you later.† (Chandler goes to leave)
Monica:† Chandler! (Chandler stops)
Phoebe:† You guys need $300,000?† For what?
Monica:† We found this house thatís totally pretty but it costs $500,000.†
Phoebe:† So why didnít you ask me for $500,000?
Chandler: I guess, I guess we didnít want to be too greedy.†
Phoebe:† Well, all you had to do is ask.
Monica:† Youíre gonna give us the money?
Phoebe:† Hell no!† Iím not giving you $500,000.†
Chandler:† How about $300,000.†
Phoebe:† Thatís a little bit more doable.
Phoebe:† Can I have your apartment if you move?
Phoebe:† Interesting.† But Iím still saying no!† But hey, I will give you $300 to cover the appraisal cost.†
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT† (Ross and Rachel have returned from their trip to the counselor)
Ross:† I donít like Dr. Guertin.† He blamed all of our problems on me.†
Rachel:† He didnít blame them all on you.† He said I should have never flown to London to break up your wedding.† And, and, he said I should have never kissed Brad.
Ross:† Fine.† But he was wrong about our break up.†
Ross: We were on a break.
Rachel:† You say that one more time and Iím gonna handcuff you to the bedpost and leave you there.†
Ross:† I was kidding.† I love you.††††
Rachel:† I love you too.† Now go get the handcuffs!
Ross:† What?!† (Sees Rachel is taking off her clothes)† Oh baby!†
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Continued from earlier)
Courteney:† Joey?† Joey?† Are you ok?
Courteney:† Are you alright?
Joey:† Yeah, Iím fine.† So are we going out?
Courteney:† No, I wanna stay in.†
Courteney:† Well we could go to my place if you want, but Phoebe and Ryan are gonna be there.†
Joey:† And thatís why you wanna move in with me?
Courteney:† Is that why youíre acting weird?† I was just kidding.†
Courteney:† Totally.† I know better than to ask you about that.
Joey:† Ok. Ok.† How about this, you call for the pizza and Iíll go change my underwear.†
Courteney:† You donít wear underwear.
Joey:† Then I better change my pants because I think I just crapped in them.
THE OFFICES OF DR. BRADY GUERTIN (Ross and Rachel are meeting with the Doctor)
Dr. Guertin:† Nice to see you again.† Ok, before we get started, I want to say one thing to the both of you.†
Dr. Guertin:† In my thirty years of practice, I have never seen a couple with a weirder history than you two.
Rachel:† Thank God, I thought you were gonna say you werenít gonna see us anymore.
Dr. Guertin:† On the contrary, you two need counseling more than any couple I know.† I could write a book about you two.††
Ross:† So should we pick up where we left off?†
Dr. Guertin:† Sure.† Letís see, we were discussing the reasons why you were justified in sleeping with the Copy girl.
Rachel:† There were no good reasons for him to sleep with the Copy girl.†
Dr. Guertin:† I know.† But Ross fails to understand that.†
Ross:† We were on a break!
Rachel (to Dr. Guertin):† See what I have to live with!
CENTRAL PERK† (Joey, Chandler, Phoebe and Monica are present)
Phoebe:† Where are Ross and Rachel?
Monica:† They went to see their counselor.
Chandler:† I still donít see why theyíre going to some shrink.
Joey:† Theyíre going to the shrink so they can better understand each other and make their love for each other grow.†
Joey:† I donít know, I just repeating what Monica said.†
Phoebe:† Mon we have to go, the movieís starting in ten minutes.†
Monica:† Ok.† See you later honey, I love you.†
Joey:† I love you too honey.†
Monica:† Very funny Joey.
Chandler (to Joey):† What did I tell you about sleeping with my wife?
Joey:† Can I talk to you for a minute?
Chandler:† Sure.† But I thought thatís what weíve been doing?
Joey:† I think Courteney wants to move in with me.†
Chandler:† Thatís great!†
Joey:† What?† Itís not great!† It sucks!
Joey:† ĎCause if she moves in then Iíll have to ask her to marry her in a year.†
Chandler:† What are you talking about?† Just because she moves in with you doesnít mean you have to ask her to marry you in a year.† Where did you get that crazy idea?
Joey:† From you.†
Chandler:† I never said that.†
Joey:† But thatís what you did.
Joey:† You moved in with Monica and a year later you asked her to marry you.†
Chandler:† So?† That doesnít mean anything.† Itís not like itís a law or something.†
Joey:† Oh.† So should I ask Courteney to move in with me?
Chandler:† Why are you asking me?
Joey:† Well I figured youíd tell me whether or not I should ask her.
Chandler:† Do you love her?
Joey (quietly):† Yeah.
Joey (a little louder):† Yes
Chandler: I still canít hear you.
Joey (shouting):† I love her, Iím crazy about her.† Did you hear me that time?
Chandler:† The whole coffee house heard you.† (pause)† If you love her and you want her to move in with you, then yes, ask her to move in with you.
Joey:† Thatís what you told me when I was gonna ask Kate to move in with me.† I asked and then she dumped me.
Chandler:† What do you want me to say?
Joey:† Should I ask or not?
Chandler:† I just told you to ask her!
Joey:† Ok, ok. Iíll ask her.†
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT† (Ross and Rachel are lying in bed.† Theyíre not talking to each other)
(long period of silence)
Ross:† Weíre not going back to Dr. Guertin.†
Rachel:† Why not?
Ross:† Because apparently you think itís a great place to drop bombs on me.†
Rachel:† How many times do I have to say Iím sorry?
Ross:† Iíll let you know when you have apologized enough.
Rachel:† Come on Ross, itís not like I slept with him to hurt you.†
Ross:† You slept with Mark!
Rachel:† So, you slept with Chloe.† Look, we had already broken up.† I was sad and it just happened.† It only happened once, I swear.
Ross:† You slept with Mark!
Rachel:† Ok, you repeating that over and over again is not gonna make it go away.†
Ross:† I was right about him.† Admit it, you wanted him from the moment you met him.
Rachel:† Thatís not true!
Ross:† Then why did you sleep with him?
Rachel:† I told you, I was sad.† Itís the same reason why you slept with Chloe.
Ross: Nah uh.†
Rachel:† Please!† You slept with Chloe because I said I wanted a break from us.
Rachel:† Oh, so it was ok for you to sleep with Chloe but itís not ok that I slept with Mark?
Ross:† Itís totally different.† I didnít like Chloe.†
Rachel:† What?† Your telling me that you didnít like Chloe?
Ross:† Exactly. †We were both drunk and I made a mistake.† You slept with Mark willingly.†
Rachel (disgusted):† Fine. Iím not gonna argue with you about this anymore.† I love you, not Mark.† Whatís in the past is in the past.† (Ross gets out of bed)† Where are you going?
Ross:† To sleep on the couch.†
Ross:† Because I donít feel like sleeping with you tonight.† You have Mark cuties.
Rachel (getting out of bed and grabbing Rossís arm):† Hey!†
Ross:† Let go of me.†
Rachel:† No.† Look Ross, I made a mistake in sleeping with Mark.† But you have no right to feel like I betrayed you in anyway.† We had broken up and the last time I checked, that doesnít mean I cheated on you.†
Ross:† But you slept with him.† Heís the reason I lost you in the first place.
Ross:† You were to blind to see it, but he was after you from the moment he met you.†
Rachel:† Thatís not true!
Ross:† Eh!† Rachel, who was the first person you hugged when you found out you got the job at Bloomingdaleís.
Rachel (long pause- then weakly):† Mark.†
Ross:† See.† That was the beginning of the end.† You hug Mark instead of your boyfriend.†
Rachel:† I never realized that.† Oh honey, Iím so sorry.†
Ross:† And you wonder why I was so jealous of Mark.†
Rachel:† Why didnít you say anything?
Ross:† I tried, but every time I tried to bring it up, you got mad at me.†††
Rachel:† Iím sorry.† I donít know what to say.† I do know this though, I have never ever love anyone as much as I love you.† What we have is so special to me and I want nothing more than to be your wife and be with you forever.†
Ross:† If I ever hear you say you slept with Mark again, Iíll throw you out the window.†
Rachel:† And if you ever bring up Chloe again, Iíll cut off your peepee.†
Ross:† Where are the handcuffs?
Rachel:† In the bedroom, why?
Ross:† Youíve been a bad girl and you need to be arrested and strip searched.† (Ross chases Rachel into their bedroom)
JOEYíS APARTMENT† (Joey and Courteney are in bed)
Courteney:† That was, oh my God, I donít know how to describe it.†
Joey:† I know.† Iím that good.†
Courteney:† I canít stop shaking.† That, that defines the Big O.†
Joey:† Move in with me.
Joey:† Move in with me.†
Courteney:† You want me to move in with you?
Joey:† Because I like to be around you.†
Courteney:† You want me to move in with you?
Joey:† Well I do have a spare bedroom to fill.†† Come on Courteney, move in with me.
Courteney:† Oh my God, I donít know what to say. †
Joey:† How about yes?
Courteney:† Yes!† Yes!† Iíll move in with you!†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are in bed)
Chandler:† Man I wish we had more money.†
Monica:† I know, I so wanted that house.†
Chandler:† Well at least we have each other.†
Monica:† Oh honey, thatís so sweet.† (pause)† But if a rich man comes along, Iím dumping you and buying that house.†
Chandler:† You do that.† Iíll marry Phoebe and weíll see who gets the house first.†
Phoebe:† Hey guys!
Monica:† Phoebe, what are you doing here?† We could have been having sex.†
Phoebe:† I waited two minutes before I entered.† It doesnít take Chandler much longer than that.
Monica:†† Sheís right you know.
Chandler:† Still.† Iím improving my stamina.†
Monica:† Yes you are.† (to Phoebe)† What do you need?
Phoebe:† I have decided to lend you guys the $300,000.†
Phoebe:† Sure, itís only money.†
Chandler:† You donít have to do this Pheebs.
Phoebe:† I know, but I really want to.† I donít need the money, I still have plenty left.
Monica:† Thanks so much Phoebe.† (to Chandler)† Weíre gonna get our house!
Chandler:† I think its time to prove to you that Iíve gotten more stamina!
Monica:† Bring it on baby!
(Chandler and Monica start making out)
Monica:† Oh, Pheebs, do you think you could leave us alone now?
Phoebe:† Can I join you?
Chandler:† Sure, the more the merrier.
CENTRAL PERK† (Everyone is present)
Phoebe:† Geez, everything is changing.† You guys (points to Monica and Chandler) are moving to Long Island, Ross and Rachel are getting married, and Courteneyís moving in with Joey.†
Joey:† Ah Pheebs, weíll always be there for you.†
Chandler:† Yeah, they havenít even accepted our offer yet.†
Monica:† But they will!† Yeah baby!
Phoebe:† Ross, why are your wrists bruised?
Ross:† Oh that, yeah, Rachel and I were playing a game.†
Joey:† What kinda game?
Rachel:† Letís just say heís been a very bad boy and I had to teach him a lesson.†
Joey:† You guys stole Courteneyís handcuffs didnít you!