THE ONE WITH THE COUPLE WARS
Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present including Duncan and Kate)
Joey: Hey, guess what I got?
Chandler: A new brain?
Joey: You can get new brains?
Ross: Oh yeah, you can get them at any medical supply store.
Rachel: Joey, what did you get?
Joey: An all day pass for eight at Paint Ball World.
Monica: What is paint ball world?
Joey: It's totally cool. It's a place where you can play war games with your friends. You divide into teams and shoot one another with paint balls.
Phoebe: Oh, I could use my keen sense of unagi to beat all of you guys.
Duncan: What is unagi?
Ross: Unagi is a keen sense of awareness. You always know what is coming.
Kate: I thought unagi was a type of eel.
Rachel: It is. We just act like Ross knows what he is talking about.
Ross: Unagi is real.
Rachel: Yeah, it's an eel.
Ross: No, it's not. (pause, Ross is frustrated with Rachel) Joey, when does your pass expire?
Joey: Tomorrow. I was thinking we all could go tomorrow and play war games.
Chandler: Boys against the girls?
Rachel: That's not fair.
Monica: How about couple against couple?
Phoebe: Yeah that would be fun.
Joey: No, it has to be four against four.
Rachel: Alright, then how about Chandler & Monica, Phoebe & Duncan versus Joey & Kate and Ross & I?
Phoebe: But that gives you two people with unagi.
Kate: Somebody has two pet eels?
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Joey: So it's settled. We'll play tomorrow. Everybody will meet at Monica's at 7am.
Joey: Yeah, we have to get there early, it gets crowded.
Ross: Alright seven it is.
Monica: Ok, my team, we're having a meeting tonight at our place at 8pm, don't be late.
Phoebe: I don't want to be on Monica's team anymore.
Monica: Why not? We're going to win.
Phoebe: Yeah, and if we don't, all I'll hear for the next two weeks is you complaining about why we didn't win.
Monica: I will not complain.
Chandler: That would be a first.
Monica: What did you say?
Chandler: I said we'll come in first.
ROSS & RACHEL'S (Ross and Rachel are eating dinner)
Ross: Aren't you excited about tomorrow?
Rachel: What's tomorrow, does the annual white sale start at Macy's?
Ross: No. Aren't you excited about the paint ball game?
Rachel: Oh that, sure I'm excited.
Ross: So how should we ambush Monica's team?
Rachel: What's an ambush?
Ross: It's a surprise attack. You need a high level of unagi to succeed at an ambush.
Rachel: Would you please stop talking about unagi Ross, it's a friggin eel.
Ross (getting up from the table): Fine, if that's the way you're gonna be about it, I'll just defeat them myself.
Rachel (going over behind Ross and putting her arms around his waist): Honey, I didn't mean it that way. Can't we just wait till tomorrow to talk about how we're going to beat them? I mean, I can think of a better way to spend our evening.
Ross: What did you have in mind?
Rachel (unbuckling Ross' pants): How about this?
Ross: I could do that.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (Monica is pacing around the room)
Monica: Where are they? It's 8:03pm, they're late.
Chandler: I don't think they're coming.
Monica: Why not? We have to prepare for tomorrow.
Chandler: Honey, it's just a game. They didn't think you were serious about meeting tonight.
Monica: Why wouldn't they take me seriously?
Chandler: Because I told them not to come?
Chandler: I told them not to come.
Monica (mad): What?
Chandler: I'll say it slower this time, I TOLD THEM NOT TO COME.
Monica (even madder): Why?
Chandler: Because I thought we could spend the evening together doing stuff.
Monica: Oh honey that's sweet. But you're not getting any now. (Monica picks up the phone).
Pheebs, hi it's Monica. Get your ass over here right now. (pause) I don't care if you're eating dinner. Get over here. (pause) Ok, fine we'll see you in ten minutes. (hangs up the phone) See, they're taking me seriously now.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (The next morning. Chandler emerges from the bedroom to find Monica doing exercises)
Chandler: Mon, what are you doing? It's five in the morning, come back to bed.
Monica: No honey, I have to get ready to kick some ass today. You should get up and get ready.
Chandler: Fine, you act like you're in the Army, this soldier is going back to bed.
ROSS & RACHEL'S (It's still five in the morning, Rachel emerges from the bedroom to find Ross doing something weird)
Rachel: Ross, what are you doing?
Ross: I am practicing my unagi.
Rachel (seductively): Wouldn't you rather practice something else?
Ross: No, sex is bad for your unagi.
Rachel: If you don't come back to bed right now, you might as well practice your unagi for the next month.
Ross (defeated): I wouldn't want that. (Ross retreats to the bedroom)
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (It's now 7am, everyone is present)
Rachel: Why do we have to be up so early?
Joey: I told you, Paint Ball World gets crowded.
Kate: Still Joey, the place doesn't open until 11am.
Chandler: Joey, the place doesn't open until 11am?
Ross: I vote we kill Joey now.
Duncan: I second that vote.
Joey (protesting): But it takes three hours to get there.
Monica: Three hours?
Joey: Yeah, the place is upstate.
Ross: And this is a detail you didn't share with us?
Rachel: How are we going to get there?
Joey: Phoebe's cab and Kate's car. We'd better get going.
Ross (to Kate): Even though Joey's on our team, I am still going to shoot him.
PAINT BALL WORLD (Everyone is decked out in protective gear. Monica and Ross are wearing army fatigues)
Chandler: Everyone here dresses normally, except for the Gellers of course.
Monica: You'll be sorry when you're sticking out like a sore thumb and I blend in with the surroundings.
Chandler: You're on my team.
Monica: I wasn't talking to you.
Ross: Yeah right, let's just see who wins.
Rachel: Oh my god, a flashback to the football game.
Duncan: What happened at the football game?
Phoebe: Ross and Monica got in a big argument over who won the game.
Ross: We won.
Monica: You so did not.
Kate: Apparently they never settled the argument.
(Paint Ball World Instructor approaches the group)
Instructor: Hi, I'm Bill, I'll be the judge of your game. The object of the game is to capture the other team's flag and eliminate them. There are some simple rules that you must follow. The first, no aiming for private parts.
Joey: Does that include boobies?
Bill: No, boobies are protected by the shield, so they're fair game.
Joey: Cool, I get to shoot at Monica's boobies. (Monica and Kate glare at Joey). Sorry. Go on.
Bill: Thank you. Rule #2, no shooting at people's heads. Rule #3, once you have been hit three times, you're dead. You're out of the game. That's the rules. Any questions?
Ross: What happens if you hit somebody in the head?
Bill: The shot doesn't count.
Ross: That's it?
Bill: Yeah, it's just against the rules. Any other questions? Alright, let's get started. Team one, your base is at the north end of the field. Team two, you're at the south end. Take your positions.
Monica: Alright, Team #1, let's kick some ass.
Duncan (to Phoebe): I say we shoot her now.
Phoebe: She's on our team.
Duncan: I know.
NORTH SIDE OF FIELD (Chandler, Monica, Phoebe and Duncan are talking strategy)
Monica: I say we go after Rachel first. She's their weakest link.
Chandler: I don't know. I think we should go after Joey. He doesn't like things shot at him. I shot him with a rubber band once and he freaked out.
Phoebe: That's because you hit the little general.
Duncan: Who's the little general? Never mind, don't answer that.
Monica: Alright it's settled, we'll go after Rachel first. Then Joey, Kate and finally Ross.
Chandler: How come you're the one making all the decisions?
Monica: I'm the team captain.
Phoebe: Who voted you captain? I wanted to be captain.
Monica: I voted myself captain and that's final. Let's go kick some ass.
SOUTH SIDE OF THE FIELD (Joey, Kate, Rachel and Ross are just sitting around)
Joey: When are they gonna blow the whistle to start this game?
Rachel: What are playing again?
Rachel: What does this thing do? (Rachel pulls the trigger and shoots herself) Oops!
Ross: Rach, you're supposed to shoot the other team. Now you only have two hits left.
Rachel: Calm down Ross, it's only a game.
Ross: Alright, I say we go after Phoebe first.
Joey: Why Phoebe? Why not Monica?
Kate: Because we're hoping Monica's team will kill her for us.
Ross: Exactly. There's no way Chandler will be able to resist not shooting Monica.
( The whistle blows, what follows is a montage of scenes of the game taking place. We see Rachel shoot herself again while tripping over an obstacle. She's eliminated from the game by Monica who shoots her in the butt. Phoebe is eliminated by Kate who shoots her three times while sniping from a tree. Duncan is eliminated next. Joey and Ross snuck up on Duncan who was practicing triple toe loops while guarding his team's flag)
Ross: Alright, we've only lost Rachel. We've got their flag, now all we have to do is get Monica and Chandler.
Joey: I'll go after Chandler, you get your sister.
Ross: Where's Kate?
Joey: She's still sitting up in the tree guarding our flag. They'll never see her. This game is in the bag.
Ross: Alright let's split up. You go get Chandler, I'll get Monica.
SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE FIELD
Monica: We're in serious trouble. We've lost Duncan and Phoebe and they've only lost Rachel.
Chandler: Relax Mon, it's only a game.
Monica: It's only a game? I never lose, I always win. I thought you'd know me by now.
Chandler (pointing his gun at her): How about I shoot you right here and get the game over with?
Monica: If you do, you can forget about our engagement. Now lets go finish them off.
(Back to the montage again. We see Chandler and Joey squaring off. Joey is behind a tree shooting at Chandler who is hiding behind a junk car. Joey is hit three times by Chandler and is eliminated, but Joey continues to shoot at Chandler anyway and hits Chandler three times. An argument ensues and Bill, the referee, rules that Chandler is out of the game. Next we see a battle between Monica and Ross which Monica wins. Monica begins to walk towards Ross' team's flag, boasting about her team's superiority.)
Monica: That's right, we're number one. You guys are losers.
Ross: Monica, aren't you forgetting about someone?
Kate (from the tree): Me. (Kate barrages Monica with paint balls. Monica stands in shock, realizing she has lost the game). It looks like we won.
Monica: That's no fair, she can't hide in a tree.
Bill: Sorry, but she can. Your team loses.
Monica: Well, well lets play again. We'll win this time.
Rachel: No way, I can't even sit down. You had to shoot me in the ass.
Chandler (laughing): Well you do have extra cushion there. (Rachel glares at Chandler).
Ross: Honey come here, I'll rub your ass.
Ross: Just trying to help.
Monica: Come on guys, we have to play again.
Joey: Forget about it Mon, the game is over. We won, you didn't.
Monica: But you guys cheated.
Ross: We did not.
Monica: Did too.
Ross: Did not.
Monica: Did too.
Rachel (to Phoebe): This is going to be a long ride home.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present, including Duncan and Kate)
Joey: Well that was a fun day. We should do it again sometime.
Rachel: No way. My ass still hurts.
Ross (to Rachel): Aw come here honey. (Rachel sits on Ross' lap) Does that feel better?
Rachel: A little. (Rachel kisses Ross)
Monica: You guys know that you cheated.
Joey: Monica, we did not cheat. Kate killed you fair and square.
Monica: But you killed Chandler after you were dead.
Joey: Well Bill didn't see it that way. He said we both died at the same time.
Chandler: Would you two knock it off. Who cares who won?
Phoebe: Yeah, Ross' team just had better unagi.
Ross: Thank you Phoebe.
Kate: Do we have to keep referring to unagi? Can't we just say we had a better plan than they did?
Duncan: Speaking of unagi, is anyone else hungry?
ROSS & RACHEL'S (Ross and Rachel are lying in bed talking)
Ross: You have to admit today was fun.
Rachel: Yeah, I can't believe I shot myself twice.
Ross: That's alright honey, it was your first time.
Rachel: I have a big welt on my ass.
Ross: I think it's sexy.
Rachel: Well you try sitting down with a welt on your ass.
(Suddenly, Monica and Chandler burst into the room and fire water balloons at Ross and Rachel, soaking both of them)
Monica: Now look who won.
Chandler: We'd better get out of here.
Ross/Rachel: You guys are dead. (Ross and Rachel get out of bed to chase Monica and Chandler who have left. Then they realize they're in their soaked pajamas)
Rachel: We'll get them tomorrow.
Ross: No, we'll get them later tonight.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (Monica and Chandler are asleep in their bedroom. Ross and Rachel, dressed in black, enter the apartment).
Ross: It's a good thing you still have a key to the apartment.
Rachel: I know. Monica wasn't very smart starting a war between us couples.
Ross: Well this egg mixture will surely piss them off. Are you ready?
Rachel: I have never been more ready.
(Ross and Rachel enter the bedroom. Ross goes over to Chandler's side and Rachel to Monica's side. They dump the egg mixture on Chandler and Monica. Chandler and Monica awake alarmed).
Monica: What the hell? (She sees Rachel and Ross quickly leaving the bedroom)
Chandler (screaming): You guys are going to get it!
Monica (screaming): You have so crossed the line!
TO BE CONTINUED