THE ONE WITH THE COUPLE WARS- PART II
Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (Monica and Chandler are lying in bed talking)
Monica: We so have to get back at Ross and Rachel. Who do they think they are? They are not the superior couple.
Chandler: That's right. We're number one. I say we dump flour on them.
Monica: Yeah, I say we whitewash them.
Chandler: Is that the same as pouring flour on them?
Monica: I think so.
Chandler: Then let's whitewash them.
ROSS & RACHEL'S (Ross and Rachel are sitting at the table eating breakfast)
Ross: Ok. We're now at war with Monica and Chandler. We must use unagi carefully now.
Rachel: Ross, what did I tell you about unagi?
Ross: Sorry. We must be aware at all times. They will strike back.
Rachel: Not if we don't get them first.
Ross: I like the way you think. What should we do to them?
Rachel: Well you know how Monica likes everything neat and clean, I say we trash their apartment. We could spill food on the floor, throw their clothes all over the place.
Ross (cutting Rachel): We could spray shaving cream everywhere.
Rachel: Alright, let's get them before they get us.
Rachel: Oh look.
Rachel: The white sale starts at Macy's today. (Ross stares at Rachel in disbelief)
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, Joey and Phoebe are present)
Monica: Have you guys seen Rachel or Ross today?
Phoebe: No. Why?
Chandler: They dumped raw eggs on us last night and we're gonna get them back.
Joey: They did what?
Monica: They dumped raw eggs on us while we were sleeping!
Monica: It's not cool! It's war!
Phoebe: Remind me never to piss you off.
Joey: Actually, I saw Ross and Rachel enter your apartment before I left to meet you guys here. I thought you guys were still home.
Chandler: And how did they get in Joey?
Joey: They had a key.
Monica: Why would they need a key if we were home Joey?
Joey: I don't know! I just live across the hall.
Monica (to Chandler): We'd better go. (Chandler and Monica leave)
Phoebe: We have some weird friends.
Joey: And you're not weird?
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (The place has been trashed. There is food all over the kitchen floor, clothes strewn everywhere, shaving cream sprayed all over the place, it basically looks like a tornado blew through the apartment)
Monica (mad): OH MY GOD! I'm going to kill Ross and Rachel!
Chandler (laughing): Is that Grape Nuts on the floor?
(Chandler walks over to the bay window and looks at Ross & Rachel's apartment. Chandler sees Ross. Ross waves at Chandler and starts laughing).
ROSS & RACHEL'S
Ross: Honey, they're home. They're now officially going to kill us.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S
Chandler: He's laughing at me. He is dead.
Monica: Ross is home?
Chandler: Yeah and he's laughing at me.
Monica: That's it, I'm gonna go kick his ass.
Chandler: Monica, wait I got an idea.
ROSS & RACHEL'S
Rachel: What are they doing now?
Ross: It looks like they're plotting their revenge.
Rachel: Well, we have to set up phase II.
Ross: You're really getting in to this, aren't you?
Rachel: Nobody messes with Rachel.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S
Monica: Okay, what's your plan?
Chandler: Okay, they're expecting us to retaliate right away. I say we don't do anything for a day or two, and then wham, we get them back.
Monica: Go on.
Chandler: We need to think them to think that the war is over. We'll call them and say we want a truce. Then tomorrow we’ll nail 'em.
Monica: What are we going to do to them? They destroyed our apartment, it better be good.
Chandler: I don't know yet, but I'll think of something.
Monica: I knew I loved you for a reason. (Monica kisses Chandler) Let's make us a truce. (Chandler picks up the phone and calls Ross and Rachel)
Chandler: Ross, it's Chandler. You win.
Ross (on phone): Huh?
Chandler: You guys win, we don't want to continue this war any longer. We want a truce.
Rachel: Ross, who is it?
Ross: It's Chandler. (back to the phone) Okay. It's over. Sorry about the apartment.
Chandler: Actually it was kinda funny. You didn't go in my closet did you?
Ross: No. Why?
Chandler: No reason. So the war is over right?
Ross: The war is ended.
Chandler: Alright, we'll see you guys at Central Perk.
Ross: Oh wait Chandler, what do you need that pump for in your closet?
ROSS & RACHEL'S
Rachel: What was that all about?
Ross: They wanted a truce. They know they can't handle my sense of unagi.
Ross: Right, they couldn't handle you either.
Rachel: So no phase II?
Ross: I guess not.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S
Monica: So did they buy it?
Chandler: Hook, line and sinker.
Monica: What now?
Chandler: Now we plan our attack. Tomorrow we break the truce.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Joey: So are you guys done acting like children?
Phoebe: They were acting like children?
Joey: Yeah, they were dumping stuff on each other and thrashing apartments.
Phoebe: Oh, I'm always the last one to find out. I want to play.
Monica: There's nothing to play. The war's over.
Phoebe: Well start a new one.
Joey: Pheebs, you don't want to be part of this war.
Rachel: There is no war, it's over. We won.
Monica: You didn't win, we called a truce.
Chandler: Mon honey, they won. Let it go.
Monica (now remembering the plan): Sorry. (to Rachel) You guys won.
Ross: You couldn't handle our keen sense of unagi.
Rachel: Ross, what did I tell you about that?
Chandler (to Ross): Looks like you're sleeping on the couch.
Rachel: You can say that again.
Chandler: Looks like you're sleeping on the couch.
Ross: Thanks, I got it the first time.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (The next day. Chandler and Monica are sitting at the table)
Monica: So have you figured out what we're going to do to them yet?
Chandler: How 'bout we feather them?
Monica: How will we make the feathers stick?
Chandler: They have to stick?
Monica: YES. That's it, I am planning the attack.
Chandler: Fine. Go ahead General.
Monica: Okay, we're gonna feather them and we'll use honey to make it stick.
Chandler: That won't work. Honey pours way to slowly, they'll wake up before we get a chance to feather them.
Monica: Should we go back to the flour idea?
Chandler: Flour and ice cold water. You dump the flour and I throw the cold water. We'll make a paste.
Monica: I like that idea. They are so dead. When do we strike?
ROSS & RACHEL'S (Rachel is getting ready for bed, Ross is doing something by the bedroom door)
Rachel: Ross, what are you doing?
Ross: Just setting a booby trap.
Ross: My unagi is telling me that the war isn't over.
Rachel: Ross, if you say that word one more time you're sleeping on the couch for a month! And the war is over. They called a truce. Now come to bed.
Ross: Rach, the war isn't over. The truce is a sham. My sister would never let us win.
Rachel: Well maybe Monica has changed. (long pause) Rig the trap, and come to bed.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (it's three in the morning, Chandler and Monica emerge from their bedroom. Suddenly they notice someone is trying to unlock the apartment door.)
Monica (whispering): Ross and Rachel are here.
Chandler (whispering): They gonna break the truce. (Monica just looks at Chandler)
(Phoebe and Joey enter and turn on the lights)
Phoebe: Hey guys, what are doing up?
Monica: What are you doing here?
Joey: We figured you and Chandler would get back at Ross and Rachel tonight and we want to help.
Chandler: Are you sure you want to be part of this? It's only gonna get uglier after tonight.
Phoebe: Yeah, you guys are always leaving Joey and I out of everything.
Monica: We do not.
Phoebe: Yuh huh, you guys are dcouples stuff together and you don't include Joey and I.
Chandler: Pheebs, that's because you have Duncan and Joey has Kate. You guys bring them along.
Phoebe: Oh, that's right. Should I call Duncan?
Monica: It's 3 in the morning.
Joey: So can we play?
Chandler: Sure, but don't say we didn't warn you. This is gonna get ugly.
RO& RACHEL'S (Ross and Rachel are sleeping. Chandler, Monica, Joey and Phoebe are out in the hall finalizing the plan of their attack.)
Monica: Ok, Pheebs and Chandler, you guys dump the cold water after Joey and I pour the flour on them. Remember, make it quick. They'll wake up quickly.
Chandler: Yes sir. (Monica glares at Chandler) Yes ma'am. (Monica still glares at Chandler) What?
Monica: Alright, are we ready?
Phoebe/Joey/Chandler: Yes ma'am.
Monica: Chandler, you've got the key?
Chandler: Right here. Let's go.
(Chandler opens the door and they make their way to the bedroom. Along the way, Joey trips over something and makes a lot of noise. Cut to Ross and Rachel's bedroom)
Rachel (whispering): Ross wake up.
Rachel: Did you hear that?
Ross: No, I was sleeping.
Rachel: There's somebody in our apartment.
Ross: Alright, it's probably Chandler and Monica. Get in the closet. (Ross and Rachel get in the closet)
(Cut to outside the bedroom door)
Monica (whispering): Ok, here we go!
Writer's note, the following sequence happens quickly. All of which is highly improbable, but it's my story.
(Monica opens the door. She trips over a string and falls to the floor. Chandler, Joey, Phoebe were following too close behind and trip over Monica. They're all on the floor. Before they realized what happened, two big buckets full of canola oil pour onto them. We see Ross and Rachel laughing in the closet. The next shot shows Chandler, Monica, Joey and Phoebe lying in canola oil, water and flour.)
Ross (emerging from the closet): That was brilliant guys. I couldn't have planned a better attack.
Monica (wiping her face): I'm gonna kill you.
Rachel (who followed Ross out of the closet): That's what you said before. And Joey and Phoebe, what are two doing here?
Phoebe: We wanted to play war.
Chandler: Well welcome to hell.
Joey: What is this sticky stuff?
Monica: Canola oil.
Rachel: Very good Mon. Don't say I never learned anything from you.
Ross: Do you guys give up yet?
Chandler: We give.
Monica: I give.
Ross: Joey, Phoebe?
Joey: I didn't really want to be here in the first place. I'm tired and I wanna go to bed.
Phoebe: So we can't play war anymore?
Phoebe: How 'bout Yahtzee?
CENTRAL PERK (The next day, everyone is present)
Chandler: I kinda relieved our war is over. Though I thought signing a formal treaty was a bit much. (Chandler looks at Monica)
Monica: What? We needed to document our truce. Whoever breaks it owes the other couple $200 plus dinner at Sarentino's. We can't agree to that without having it in writing.
Ross: And we say that we're related.
Joey: Once again, Phoebe and I don't get anything.
Phoebe: Yeah, what do we lose if we start a war.
Phoebe: Oh. I wouldn't want that. I love you guys.
Rachel: This coffee is good, did they put something special in it?
Ross: I was wondering the same thing, it has a mint taste to it. Chandler, what did you get us?
Chandler: Nothing special, just coffee with a bit of mint added to it.
Rachel: How did they add the mint?
Chandler: See that guy over there with the chewing tobacco in his mouth. He spit in it a couple of times to add the mint flavor.
(Ross and Rachel immediately put their cups done and run to the bathroom)
Monica: And now who is the superior couple.
Phoebe: Don't you owe them $200 and dinner?
Chandler: No. I never had the guy spit in their coffee. That's gross. They got a new mint flavored coffee here.