TOW Chandler's Cousin

written by Caitie

(Scene: Joey and Chandler’s, everyone there but Monica)

Chandler: (oh phone) Okay. Buh-bye. (hangs up) (loud) BITE ME!!

Joey: So, your Mom called again, huh?

Chandler: No, worse.

Rachel: Ooh, you Dad called you?

Chandler: Worse than that.

Joey: (terrified) Oh no! Janice called?!

Chandler: No, it was my cousin Karen.

(They all are clueless)

Phoebe: We have no idea who your talking about.

Chandler: My cousin Karen. (they all nod) Karen Walker.

Joey: How old is she?

(Chandler smacks Joey over the fore head)

Joey: Oww! What was that for?

Chandler: Oh, you should never ask how old Karen is. It’s apart of my family.

Phoebe: Wow, so what did she say.

Chandler: She’s coming to visit me.

Ross: Good, this will give us a chance to meet her.

Chandler: Alright, but don’t complain to me if starts to annoy you.

(Monica rushes in)

Monica: Guys, I just saw my Mother and Father having sex in one of the bathroom’s at Hooter’s.

(they all stare at her)

Rachel: But why would they be at-

Monica: (cutting her off) Don’t ask.

Opening Credits/ Commercial Break

(Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross and Rachel are there)

Rachel: I am so bored.

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Good, cause I have an idea. (kisses her)

Rachel: We can’t do this right now.

Ross: (kissing her) Why not?

Rachel: Because the guys are gonna come back soon with Chandler’s cousin. We have to meet her remember and having sex in front of her is not a good first impression.

(Ross kisses her on the neck)

Rachel: Okay, maybe just for fifteen minutes.

(they fall on couch) (Everyone but Chandler come in) (Ross and Rachel jump startled)

Ross: Wow, Rachel you were right, your butt is firmer.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh honey, what a good cover up.

Ross: So, where’s Chandler and Karen?

Joey: Oh, not that bitch.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Joey’s mad because Karen said that he didn’t look like a real Italian and he looked like Sandra Bullock with a haircut.

Joey: Chandler was right she is the most ignorant person in the world.

Monica: She is not.

Joey: I bet you wouldn’t be saying that if you knew that she said your breast were the size of a newborn baby’s butt cheeks.

Monica: Wow, I hate her.

(Chandler walks in with Karen Walker from Will and Grace played by Megan Mullally)

Chandler: Karen for the last time, I am not gay and I am not dating Gunther.

Karen: Okay.

Rachel: Hi. I’m Rachel. We haven’t met. (shakes her hand)

Karen: Yeah, I see that.

Rachel: Did you know that your name is my middle name?

Karen: Wow, your as dumb as you look.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Hi, I’m Ross.

Karen: Oh, honey I’m sorry.

Ross: For what?

Karen: It’s that your parents must have been drunk when they named you.

Chandler: Okay, Karen that’s enough.

Karen: Oh, and it was just starting to get fun! (laughs)

Rachel: So, uh Karen tell us a little bit about yourself.

Karen: Well, I’m married to a rich man, I’m a fantastic dresser and I have a great rack! (laughs)

Rachel: Okay, well uh nice to meet you!

Phoebe: What do you do?

Karen: Well, I’m an assistant to a cheesy fashion designer.

Rachel: Fashion Designer?

Karen: Yeah, her name is Grace Adler, ever heard of her?

Rachel: No.

Karen: Chandler where’s your apartment? You said you would show me it.

Chandler: Okay, come on. (they leave)


Rachel: (mad) I swear I was gonna punch that BITCH in the mouth!!

Monica: I know!

Rachel: She said I was dumb!

Ross: I’m sorry.

Rachel: I don’t look like one of those really sexy but ditsy and stupid girls do I?

Ross: (stares at her) (changing the subject) Hey! You guys wanna get some coffee?

All: Yeah/Sure/ Great Idea etc… (they leave)

(Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is there Helping Karen shop)

Rachel: (holding up a jacket) Try this one on I think it would look great on you.

Karen: ( takes it) Huh, I know it would. (put it on)

Rachel: ( sarcastic) Yeah! (to herself) Dumbass.

Karen: Excuse me?

Rachel: Oh, what? Nothing.

Karen; So, how much is this?

Rachel: Umm, $275.

Karen: Wow, that’s cheap.

Rachel: Sure it is.

Karen: Raquel…

Rachel: Oh, it’s Rachel.

Karen: Oh, I don’t care.

Rachel: Okay.

Karen: Is Chandler involved with anyone?

Rachel: Uh, no why?

Karen: Well, because I might have someone for him.

Rachel: Chandler doesn’t really like to be set up with anyone.

Karen: Yeah, well who asked you?

Rachel: So, who do you have in mind for him?

Karen: Oh, my friend from back home.

Rachel: Oh, yeah?

Karen: Yeah, she’s very nice.

Rachel: Oh.

Karen: I think that they would make a perfect couple.

Rachel: Oh really?

Karen: Uh-huh, see the gal I thinking about fixing Chandler is with is special…. very special.

Rachel: What’s so special about her?

Karen: Oh, she’s a man.

Rachel: Oh that’s so (realizes what she just said) Noooooo!!

(Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are there)

Phoebe: So, what do you think about Karen?

Monica: I think she’s the devil.

Phoebe: I think she’s pretty cool.

Monica: Pheebs, she said that you have the fashion taste of Richard Simmons.

Phoebe: (touched) Oh, that’s so sweet.

Monica: Phoebe, no its no sweet. This woman is going around saying things about people that are not very nice. (about to cry) She made fun of my boobies.

Phoebe: (hugs her) Don’t cry we all make fun of your boobies.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Okay, I shouldn’t have said that out loud.

(Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, everyone there but Monica and Phoebe)

Chandler: No, no, and no!

Karen: Come on! Chandler, just go out with her for a cup of coffee if it doesn’t go well then you don’t have to see her anymore.

Chandler: I told you I don’t go on blind dates. They end to badly.

Karen: See, that’s why you never have good relationships.

Chandler: I do so.

Karen: Nuh-uh. Remember, when I had that birthday party at that big fancy place, and I tried to hook you up with Mary Johnson?

Chandler: Yeah.

Karen: Yeah, you told me that you didn’t want to be in a relationship.

Chandler: Yeah, that was different.

Karen: How?

Chandler: I was seven and she was sixteen.

Karen: Didn’t Grandma tell you to always go for the older ones!

(there is a knock at the door)

Karen: There she is now. Come on Chandler please! Just go on the date!

Chandler: (pause) Okay.

Karen: Good! Now answer the door.

Chandler: Okay, but (gets up) one date! If it goes bad I don’t go out with her again! I don’t want any surprises. (he opens door to reveal Jack from Will and Grace played by Sean Hayes)

Jack: Hi, I’m Jack.

Ross: Speaking of surprises!

Commercial Break

(Scene: Same as before)

Jack: Hi, I’m Jack. (shakes his hand)

Chandler: (shocked) Huhhhhh.

Karen: Jackie.

Jack: Karen. (they hug)

Chandler: (still shocked) Huhhhhh.

Karen: Oh, Jack this is Chandler.

Jack: Oh, so your Chandler. Nice to me meet you.

Chandler: You’re a man.

Jack: I know! I’m Jack.

Chandler: Yes, but your a man.

Jack: (flirting) Your smart, I like that.

Chandler: Sure you do. (to Karen) Karen, can I talk to you in the hall for a sec?

Karen: Okay. (they walk out)

(Cut to: Hallway, Chandler and Karen come out)

Chandler: What the hell is your problem?!

Karen: What?

Chandler: That’s a man!

Karen: Well, duh what else would she be?

Chandler: (sarcastic) Let’s see, umm, a she!

Karen: What are you talking about?

Chandler: I thought you were gonna set me up with a girl!!

Karen: Well, technically he is a girl. He’s gay ain’t he?

Chandler: Karen, I’m not gay!

Karen: Uh-huh!

Chandler: Nuh-uh!

Karen: Oh my god! I’m so sorry! I just thought that since you were raisied by a gay man chances are you’d turn out gay.

Chandler: Lucky me, cause I didn’t!

Karen: Oh, I feel so stupid!

Chandler: Well, you should! See, this is why I don’t do blind dates. They either end up stupid, ugly or someone you fix me up with.

Karen: Honey, I’m so sorry!

Chandler: It’s okay can you just go in there and tell him that I am not gay!

Karen: Oh, honey I can’t do that.

Chandler: Wha-well why not?!

Karen: Because If I do I won’t get the money Jack promised me.

Chandler: Oh sugar snaps!

Karen: Wow, you’re becoming me more and more everyday.

Chandler: Yeah, but Karen what am I going to do?

Karen: Go on the date.

Chandler: No, I’m not going on the date.

Karen: Look, if you go on the date I’ll give you half of the money he promised me.

Chandler: Money isn’t gonna solve this.

Karen: I’ll give you 550 bucks.

Chandler: No, Karen you can’t just bribe me.

Karen: 790 bucks.

Chandler: I told you no amount of money is gonna make me go out with him.

Karen: (pause) 1’900 bucks.

Chandler: (pause) Done.

(they go back inside)

(Cut to: Inside Joey and Chandler’s, Chandler and Karen enter)

Ross: So, I am putting to much gel on it?

Jack: Yeah, the bottle says put about the size of a pea…. Not the size of a watermelon.

Ross: Wow, thanks man.

Chandler: Ummm, well uh Jack we have to get going. We don’t want to be late.

Jack: Okay, sure but Ooh Ross…

Ross: Yeah?

Jack: Remember…a pea not a watermelon.

Ross: Okay dude!!

(Chandler and Jack leave)

(Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there when Chandler and Jack enter)

Monica: Hey Chandler! What’s up?

Chandler: (uncomfortable) Oh, nothing … you know nothing.

Monica: Oh, who’s that?

Chandler: Oh, this is Jack. Jack this is Monica.

Jack: Nice to meet cha.

Monica: Dito.

Jack: Chandler and I are on a date.

Monica: Your on a what?

Jack: A date.

Monica: Chandler, wow I didn’t know but it’s okay I won’t tell anyone. (Chandler pulls her over to the counter)

Chandler: No, it’s not that. You know my cousin Karen?

Monica: Oh, eww.

Chandler: Well, she thought that I was you know…

Monica: Yeah, I know.

Chandler: So, she set me up with this lunatic and I have to go on the date because…… because of the reason.

Monica: Okay.

(Fade to: A fancy Resturant, a hour later, Chandler and Jack are there, Chandler looks bored)

Jack: So, when I entered middle school I guess I found I was truly gay when I was in the boys locker room and , John Homes, bent over and his towel fell down. I almost gave him an asthma attack when I grabbed his booty. (laughs)

Chandler: Yeah, ha ha.

Jack: So, Chandler I think this relationship could really work out.

Chandler: Um, what?

Jack: Yeah, I think we could hit it off.

Chandler: No, no no. You see, this was my worst date ever. You just spent a whole hour talking about you and you just got to middle school!!

Jack: Oh, I know but this date was so amazing. I mean, I’m good looking, your paying for dinner….

Chandler: Whoa, uh Jack… don’t take this the wrong way but I’m not gay! I don’t even know why I agreed to go on this date anyway. I guess I did it for the money…but anyway I don’t think that we should go out after this.

Jack: Playing hard to get, huh? Wow, you are so cute. I think you might be the one. Chandler, I know this is only our first date but…. I think we should get married.

Chandler: (dumbfounded) Say again?

The End