THE ONE THE DECISION

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are in bed)

Joey: Wow!

Phoebe: I know!

Joey: We’ve never done that before.

Phoebe: And we’ll never do it again.

Joey: I couldn’t do it again if I tried. You’ve drained me dry.

Phoebe: No, we can never have sex again. You’re engaged to Courteney.

Joey: So?

Phoebe: You have to make a decision Joey, Courteney or me?

Joey: When do I have to decide?

Phoebe: The sooner the better and you are not to mention this to anyone. Do you understand me?

Joey: Yeah, but you’re not winning any points with me right now by being so mean.

Phoebe: Ready for round 32?

Joey: And she’s back in contention.

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Chandler and Monica are present.)

Ross: Are you alright Monica, you look green?

Rachel: Maybe she was kidnapped by Martians. (no one laughs) Come on, that wasn’t slightly funny, what’s the matter with you people?

Chandler: That’s why they leave the jokes to me.

Monica: I’m fine. I must have a touch of something. Could you get me some tea honey?

Chandler: You want honey in your tea?

Monica: No, I want you to get me some tea honey. (pause) Wait, don’t get me anything. (Monica races to the bathroom)

Chandler: I guess she really needed to talk to God on the porcelain telephone.

Rachel: Is she alright? This is the third day that she’s been sick in the past two weeks.

Chandler: She’s fine. She just has this new South American flu that’s been going around.

Ross: So she went to the doctor?

Chandler: Not exactly.

Rachel: Then how do you know it’s the new South American flu?

Chandler: I read about it in the papers.

Ross: You don’t read the paper. You don’t even get the paper.

Chandler: Fine, fine. I made it up. But I had you going for a minute didn’t I?

(Monica returns)

Monica: Hey, where’s my tea?

Chandler: You told me you didn’t want it. How about some greasy pizza?

Monica: Chandler! (Monica races back to the bathroom)

Rachel: You are so mean! I’m gonna make sure she’s alright.

Chandler (to Ross): Can you keep a secret?

Ross: According to Rachel, no.

Chandler: Monica’s pregnant.

Ross: What?!

Chandler: She’s six weeks along. She was pregnant at your wedding.

Ross: How? What? How did this happen?

Chandler: She went to a sperm bank and impregnated herself.

Ross: She did?

Chandler: No you moron. I knocked her up.

Ross: You did this to my sister?

Chandler: Ah, yes?

Ross: Way to go man. Congratulations.

(cut to the bathroom)

Rachel: Are you ok Mon? (You here Monica heaving) I take that as a no. Do you need anything?

Monica: A tissue. Make that tissues.

Rachel (looking around but not finding any, Rachel reaches into the garbage): Here you go.

Monica: Thanks. Wait a minute, these have been used! Rachel! (starts throwing up again)

Rachel: Sorry! I didn’t know that!

(Monica emerges from the stall)

Monica: Man, I’ve got to get rid of this flu.

Rachel: The South American?

Monica: Yeah. How’d you know?

Rachel: Chandler told us.

Monica: Oh.

Rachel: So how many weeks along are you?

Monica: Six. I mean, what are you talking about?

Rachel: I know.

Monica: Who told you? Did Chandler squeal?

Rachel: Monica, I’m a woman. I just know. Oh and congratulations. I’m so happy for you! (Rachel hugs Monica)

Monica: I am so excited! Of course, that’s in between the morning sickness and the periods that I’m not puking up everything I eat. But, you can’t tell Phoebe, Joey or Ross. We don’t want anyone to know until after the first trimester.

Rachel: Why not?

Monica: Just in case something happens.

Rachel: Nothing’s gonna happen. You’re gonna be a great Mommy! Are you ready for lunch?

Monica: Yeah. Oh crap, here we go again!

Rachel: I guess lunch is out of the question.

PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Joey is getting ready to leave)

Phoebe: What are you gonna tell Courteney?

Joey: What da ya mean?

Phoebe: Joey, you spent the night here. Courteney’s gonna wanna know where you’ve been.

Joey: I got that covered. Don’t worry about it.

Phoebe: What are you gonna tell her then?

Joey: Nothing.

Phoebe: Nothing? What do you mean nothing?

Joey: Just that, nothing.

Phoebe: So you’re not gonna tell her where you’ve been?! What kind of fiancé are you?!

Joey: Relax Phoebe. Breathe. She slept at her parents last night. There’s no way she’s gonna know that I didn’t come home.

Phoebe: Oh. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

Joey: Exactly. I’ll see you later?

Phoebe: Sure. Just remember what I said, you’re to tell no one.

Joey: Not even Chandler or Ross?

Phoebe: Ok, what part of no one did you not understand?

Joey: I guess the no one part. Sorry. See ya.

Phoebe: Joey, thanks for last night. It meant a lot to me.

Joey: Me too. (Joey leaves)

Phoebe (after shutting the door) And you better choose to stay with Courteney.

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Rachel is working in her office. Phoebe enters)

Rachel: Hey Pheebs, what brings you to the lingerie capital of the world?

Phoebe: This is the lingerie capital of the world? I’ve always wondered where that was.

Rachel (shutting her office door): What’s up Pheebs?

Phoebe: Nothing. I thought I just come by and say hi. Hi! I guess I’ll see you later.

Rachel: Phoebe, what’s the matter?

Phoebe: Really, I’m fine.

Rachel: Ok. But wipe that smile off your face or someone’s gonna think you got lucky last night.

Phoebe: Is it that obvious?

Rachel: You did get lucky last night. With who?

Phoebe: I can’t tell you.

Rachel: But I know you want to.

Phoebe: I can’t. I made a promise.

Rachel: Since when have you been able to keep a secret?

Phoebe: I started keeping them today. I’ll see you later. (Phoebe goes to leave)

Rachel (slowly realizing who it was): Wait Phoebe! Wait! Oh my God, you slept with Joey!

Phoebe (quickly re-entering Rachel’s office and shutting the door): Would you shut up! I don’t think your co-workers on the ninth floor heard you!

Rachel: This is unbelievable! What happened?!

Phoebe: I took your advice and told Joey how I felt and the next thing I know we were in bed. He spent the night.

Rachel: He spent the night?!

Phoebe: Did I stutter or something?

Rachel: What about Courteney?

Phoebe: He said she was staying at his parents. Look, I made a big mistake. I should’ve never told him. I feel so guilty.

Rachel: Why?

Phoebe: Because I could ruin the best thing that ever happened to Joey. I really think he should marry Courteney.

Rachel: Don’t you think Joey should decide who he marries?

Phoebe: I guess.

Rachel: Do you love Joey?

Phoebe: Yeah. But I don’t know if I’m in love with him. Courteney, now, she’s in love with him. They’re perfect together. I just think he should stay with her.

Rachel: Did you tell him that?

Phoebe: No.

Rachel: I think you should.

Phoebe: No way, I’m not taking anymore advice from you. You got me into this mess.

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: You told me to tell how I felt.

Rachel: I didn’t tell you to sleep with him!

Phoebe: Oh. I thought that was implied.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Courteney is pacing around the apartment. Joey enters)

Courteney: Where in the hell have you been?!

Joey: Are you talking to me?

Courteney: You didn’t come home last night! I’ve been up since yesterday waiting for you to come home! Now tell me where you’ve been!

Joey: We had to work overtime on the set, it got late, so I stayed there.

Courteney: I called you at the set at 8 last night and they said you had left hours ago. Now stop lying to me! Where have you been?!

Joey: Ok, ok. Calm down.

Courteney: Are you telling me to calm down?!

Joey: Yes. And apparently it’s not working.

Courteney (calmer): Joey, where have you been since last night?

Joey: I had a friend who needed someone to talk to so I stayed with her to help her. It got late, so I crashed at her place.

Courteney: Who was it? Some girlfriend I don’t know about?

Joey: It was Phoebe. She’s been having a hard time lately and she needed someone to talk to. She was upset and I couldn’t just leave her, she’s one of my closest friends.

Courteney: Well why didn’t you call and let me know? It was the least you could’ve done.

Joey: You told me you were staying at your parents. I didn’t think I had to call. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.

Courteney: It’s ok. I’m sorry I yelled at you.

Joey: It’s alright. It’s not the first time a woman yelled at me.

(Courteney hugs Joey and notices a bra in his bag)

Courteney: You guys weren’t doing laundry last night were you?

Joey: No. Why?

Courteney: There’s one of Phoebe’s bras in your bag.

Joey: Oops. It must have gotten in their when I was packing up my stuff.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Chandler and Monica are present)

Ross: How are you feeling Mon?

Monica: Better thanks. I tend to feel better in the afternoon.

Ross: That’s a weird flu you’ve got there.

Monica: Tell me about it. Where Rach?

Ross: She’s on her way.

Chandler: You know what, I just realized that I forgot to go to work today. It’s a good thing my boss is out of town.

Monica: Honey, you called in sick this morning to take care of me.

Chandler: Oh.

Ross: Maybe you have the Memory flu.

Chandler: What’s that?

Ross: A virus where you forget everything you should remember.

(Rachel comes storming in)

Rachel: Hey guys! Do I have the dish or do I have the dish?

Monica: Well why don’t you tell us and we’ll decide.

Rachel: Ok. Are you sitting down?

Chandler: Well if we aren’t then I don’t know what I’ve been doing for the last half hour. Man my ass hurts.

Rachel (ignoring Chandler): Ok, Ok, this is really big….

Ross: You’re pregnant!

Rachel: No! Monica’s the one that’s pregnant.

Monica: Rachel!

Ross: It’s ok Mon, I know.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: What? You obviously told Rachel!

Monica: She figured it out! I didn’t tell her.

Chandler: So I told Ross. I’m weak, what do you expect? Anyway Rach, what is it?

Rachel: Phoebe slept with Joey!

All: Oh my God!

Monica: What about Courteney?

Rachel: She doesn’t know.

Ross: How, how did it happen?

Chandler: See, they both got naked and then Joey inserted his…..

Rachel (cutting off Chandler): Phoebe told Joey that she had feelings for him and one thing led to another, and bingo, they’re went to bed together.

Monica: That’s Joey, always thinking with the wrong head.

Rachel: It wasn’t Joey’s idea, it was Phoebe’s.

Ross: Eh, I almost slept with Phoebe once.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Nothing.

Rachel: We’ll come back to you mister.

Monica: What are you so upset about Rachel, you wanted to sleep with Chandler.

Chandler: You still can if you want. (Monica, Rachel and Ross glare at Chandler) I guess I should’ve kept that to myself.

Monica: What’s Joey gonna do about Courteney?

Rachel: Phoebe wants Joey to stay with Courteney. Look here comes Phoebe, now one says a thing about this, ok? It’s supposed to be a secret.

Ross: One that you did a great job of keeping Rach.

Rachel: Shut up Phoebe lover.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey!

All: Hey Pheebs.

Chandler: You’re walking a little funny there Pheebs, are you ok? Did you pull a muscle?

Phoebe: I worked out really hard last night, I’m sore all over.

Ross: Were you lifting weights?

Phoebe: Huh?

Ross: Did you go to the gym and work out with weights?

Phoebe: Oh. No, I worked out at home.

Chandler: Yeah, Monica and I work-out together all the time.

Phoebe: And yet you’re still very flabby.

Chandler: Well…..

Monica (cutting off Chandler): Has anyone seen Joey?

Phoebe: No, why would we care?

Monica: Are you mad at Joey Phoebe?

Phoebe: No. Not at all.

Rachel: So what’s up with you Phoebe?

Phoebe: I just got a massage to relax my muscles. You guys should go to my new masseuse, she’s really great with her hands.

Ross: I’ve already got someone who’s great with their hands.

Rachel: Thanks honey.

Ross: I was talking about Penny my masseuse.

Rachel: Keep it up dumb ass.

Ross: I’m just kidding.

Phoebe: So what are you guys up to?

Monica: Well I have the flu, and Chandler’s Chandler.

Chandler: Why does that sound so unflattering?

Ross: And Rachel has this secret but she won’t tell us what it is. (Rachel glares at Ross)

Rachel: I made a promise and I’ll keep that promise.

Phoebe: I think Rachel should tell you guys what it is. What do you think Rachel?

Rachel: I wouldn’t want to upset the person that told me the secret.

Phoebe: Yeah, but I think that person knew that you’d blab the secret anyway, so I think everyone already knows.

Rachel: I’d never blab!

Chandler: So Pheebs, you and Joey, pretty cool.

Phoebe (to Rachel): I told you that you’d blab. Yes, Joey and I bumped uglies.

Monica: Uglies?

Phoebe: Sexual intercourse.

Chandler: How many times?

Monica: Chandler!

Phoebe: 32 times.

Ross: No wonder why you’re so sore.

Rachel: I’m impressed. Maybe I will sleep with you Phoebe.

Ross: What about me?

Rachel: You know how to have sex by yourself. You were a geek in high school after all, you’ve had plenty of practice.

Ross: You can forget about our baby making plans.

Phoebe: I have to go see Joey, I’ll see you guys later.

Rachel: What are you gonna tell him?

Phoebe: He called me, he’s made his decision.

Monica: What is it?

Phoebe: Well let me find out first and then I’ll tell you.

Monica: Sorry, I thought you knew already.

Phoebe: I do, but Joey doesn’t know that.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: My psychic ability. It’s never failed me yet. Bye.

Chandler: Ten bucks says Joey stays with Courteney.

Monica: We are not betting over this situation.

Chandler: Make it fifty.

Monica: I’m in.

Ross: I’ll take Joey and Phoebe for fifty.

Rachel: You guys are pathetic.

Ross: Are you in or not?

Rachel: Of course I’m in, fifty on Joey and Courteney.

Monica: I thought you said we were pathetic?

Rachel: I did, and then I realized I’m pathetic too.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Joey is staring at the wall. Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey Joey! (no answer) Joey!

Joey (depressed): Oh, hey Pheebs.

Phoebe: What’s up?

Joey: I made my decision.

Phoebe: Oh. By the look of things around here, I see it didn’t go over to well. (there are busted dishes on the floor, magazines spread out everywhere, etc.)

Joey: What ya mean, I haven’t told Courteney yet.

Phoebe: Then what the hell happened here?

Joey: I did that. I got mad at myself.

Phoebe: What’s going on Joey?

Joey: Phoebe, I love you. You’re my closest girlfriend, but we can’t have a relationship. I can’t risk our friendship, it means too much to me.

Phoebe: Thank God!

Joey: You’re not crushed?

Phoebe: That’s what I wanted to here. I really think you should stay with Courteney, she’s perfect for you.

Joey: That’s the other thing.

Phoebe: There’s something else?

Joey: I’m breaking my engagement to Courteney. After sleeping with you, I realized that I’m not ready to settle down. I enjoy being a womanizer too much. And besides, if we’re not married at forty, I’m marrying you anyway.

Phoebe: Unless I get married in the meantime.

Joey: Like that’s gonna happen. Are we cool?

Phoebe: Totally.

Joey: Wanna go to bed?

Phoebe: Joey, I’m not gonna go to bed with you!

Joey: And we’re right back where we started. I love you Phoebe.

Phoebe: I love you too Joey.

CLOSING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed talking)

Ross: Can I ask you a question?

Rachel: Sure honey.

Ross: What’s this?

Rachel: That’s my, my personal assistant.

Ross: You have sex by yourself too?

Rachel: Sometimes, but only when you’re not around.

Ross: I’m always around.

Rachel: Well we weren’t dating two years ago and I needed it then. Can I please have that back?

Ross: Why? You don’t need it anymore.

Rachel: If you don’t give it back, I will need it.

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: If you don’t give it back I won’t let you give me the real thing. Now give it!

Ross (handing it over to her): Are you ready for the real thing?

Rachel: No, I think I’ll go solo tonight. Goodnight.

THE END