THE ONE WITH A DRUG TEST AND ANOTHER BREAKUP
Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Previously on Friends:
Rachel: Then what the hell are you lighting up?
Phoebe: Just this stuff. (holds out her hand to reveal little green buds)
Monica: What is that stuff?
Phoebe: I dunno, but it makes me feel real giddy.
Rachel: Phoebe! That's marijuana. That stuff is illegal. Where did you get it?
Phoebe: Frank gave it to me. He said it would relieve my stress.
Rachel: How can you be under stress, you're not even working.
Phoebe: Good point.
Monica: I say we try it.
Monica: I say we light up.
Rachel: Are you crazy? That stuff is illegal.
Monica: So? Are you scared? Come on, we never cut loose anymore.
Phoebe: I'm in.
Rachel: Great, my friends are turning into Cheech and Chong. Fine, I'm in.
RALPH LAUREN (Rachel is working at her desk, Brad comes in)
Brad: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Oh hi. How are you?
Brad: Good. I was just coming to see if I could take you to….wow, that's some ring that you got on your finger.
Rachel: Isn't it. It's my engagement ring. Ross, my fiancé, gave it to me.
Brad: Oh so you're getting married. (long pause) How long have you been seeing him?
Rachel: Off and on for about seven years.
Brad: Man, I totally misread your signals. God, I feel like a fool. I mean I kissed you and everything.
Rachel: Don't worry about it Brad. It's partially my fault. I should have told you that I was attached. But hey, we can still be friends.
Brad: Ah yes, the famous consolation prize. Anyway, did you hear? The company is instituting a random drug-testing program. They're starting it tomorrow.
Rachel (has a look of horror on her face): Really?
Rachel: Oh my God, oh my God.
Brad: Are you alright?
Rachel: I'm fine. I'm fine. I, I, I have to go.
(Rachel leaves Brad standing in her office).
CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Phoebe are sitting on the couch talking. Rachel storms in)
Rachel: Have you guys seen Ross?
Rachel: Where is he, he wasn't at home either.
Phoebe: Well given that it's 11 am on a Wednesday, I think it is safe to say that he's at work.
Rachel: Why didn't I think of that?
Phoebe: Maybe it's because you killed too many brain cells the other day.
Rachel: That's exactly what I have to talk to him about.
Monica: Rach, what's going on?
Rachel: Ralph Lauren is instituting a random drug-testing program.
Rachel: The first tests are tomorrow. If I get picked, I am gonna fail and lose my job.
Phoebe: I told you not to smoke pot. It's nothing but trouble. (Monica and Rachel glare at Phoebe)
Rachel: What? It was your stupid idea to smoke pot in the first place.
Phoebe: Nah uh!
Monica: Rachel, she's right. It was my idea.
Rachel: Well she supplied it.
Phoebe: Hey, don't blame me.
Rachel: Well who should I blame then?
Monica: What?! Why me?!
Phoebe: 'Cause you're not me.
Rachel: That's it. It is both your faults. I'm gonna go find Ross.
(Rachel leaves. A man approaches Phoebe and Monica)
Man: Ah excuse me, but I couldn't help overhear your conversation. I was just wondering, do you have any weed that I could buy from you?
JOEY'S APARMENT (Ross, Chandler and Joey are hanging out, doing nothing)
Ross: So what do you guys want to do today?
Chandler: Pretty much what we're doing.
Joey: Yeah, the key to a good day is to do as little as possible.
Chandler: Aren't you supposed to be at work Ross?
Ross: My class isn't until 2pm. What time is it?
Joey: It's midnight. Oh wait, my watch must have stopped again.
Chandler (to Joey): You're an idiot. (to Ross) It's noon.
Joey (to Chandler): Why aren't you at work?
Chandler: I called in sick.
Ross: What was your excuse?
Chandler: I told my boss I had a headache.
Joey: A real one or one that Monica cures?
Ross: Hey that's my sister you're talking about!
Ross: Well Chandler, which one?
(there's a knock on the door, Joey goes an answers it)
Joey: Hey Duncan, what's up?
Duncan: Have you guys seen Phoebe? I really need to talk to her.
Ross: I think she's at Central Perk with Monica.
Chandler: So what's the big news?
Duncan: I'd really rather tell Phoebe first.
Joey: Oh come on, you're one of the guys, tell us.
Duncan: I really think I shouldn't.
Ross: Duncan, we won't say a word to Phoebe.
Duncan: Fine. (pause) I'm breaking up with Phoebe.
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is teaching, Rachel comes storming into his classroom)
Ross: And in the Cretaceous Period this family of dinosaurs developed the ability to…..
Rachel: Ross, Ross, where the hell have you been?!
Ross: Ah class, this is my fiancée Rachel. Could you excuse me for a moment? (to Rachel) Let's speak outside.
(Ross and Rachel go outside of his classroom door)
Ross: What the hell is so important that you have to interrupt me in the middle of my class?
Rachel: Oh please, like those students really care about paleontology. (Ross glares at Rachel)
Ross: What do you need?
Rachel: Ralph Lauren is instituting a random drug-testing program tomorrow. If I get picked I am so gonna get fired.
Ross: I told you not to take that trip to the other side.
Rachel: Would you quit it with that? What am I gonna do?
Ross: There's not much you can do. Marijuana stays in your system for at least 60 days. It also shows up in your hair follicles even longer than that.
Rachel: How do you know all this?
Ross: I am a scientist and a geek. It's an innate gift.
Rachel: So there is nothing I can do?
Ross: You can try to dilute your urine.
Ross: By drinking lots of water and praying that you don't get selected. Look Rach, I've got a class full of students who are dying to hear the rest of my lecture, we'll talk about this later. Bye honey. (quickly kisses Rachel)
Rachel: Dying being the key word.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is answering her door. Duncan comes in)
Duncan: Hey. Ah Pheebs, we have to talk.
Phoebe: Ok. Is this like good news or bad news?
Duncan: It depends on how you look at it.
Phoebe: You're breaking up with me aren't you?
Duncan: Ah….How did you know?
Phoebe: You really don't know me do you?
Duncan: I'm sorry Phoebe, I really am. It's just that I met someone else.
Phoebe: Who is she? Is she as pretty as me?
Duncan: Actually it's a he. And yes, he's pretty.
Phoebe: You're telling me that you're gay again? You keep switching teams.
Duncan: I know, I know. It's just that I got another job as an ice dancer.
Phoebe: What does that have to do with anything?
Duncan: Well it's easier to be a gay ice dancer than a straight one. Look, I wanted to tell you sooner but I was afraid to come out of the closet.
Phoebe: Come out of the closet? The last time you came out of the closet you announced that you were straight, wanted a divorce and were getting married. Now you're coming of out of the closet again?
Duncan: I guess my closet is a revolving door. Actually, I think I am bisexual.
Phoebe: You’re a man and a woman?
Duncan: No, no. It means I like men and women.
Phoebe: So why are we breaking up, I'm a woman?
Duncan: Because I'm going through a stage where I'd rather be with a man.
Phoebe: Alright, whatever.
Duncan: You're not mad?
Phoebe: No, not at all.
Phoebe: No you bisexual freak, I'm mad as hell. Get out!
(Duncan leaves and Phoebe sits down and cries)
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are watching TV)
Rachel: Honey, if I get selected tomorrow, I'm gonna lose my job.
Ross: See, I told you smoking dope is not worth it.
Rachel (annoyed): I realize that now.
Ross: Look, you'll be ok. If you lose your job you can always find another one.
Rachel: I don't want to lose my job, I just got promoted. Damn it, why did I give in to Phoebe and Monica?
Ross: Did Monica sit on you?
Rachel: No, why?
Ross: That's how she made me give in when we were growing up.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica and Joey are present)
Chandler: So has anyone heard from Phoebe?
Monica: No. Why?
Joey: Duncan said he was dumping her.
Chandler: Nicely put Joey.
Monica: Duncan is really going to breakup with her?
Chandler: That's what he told us this morning.
Monica (animated): And you're just telling me now?
Monica: Pheebs, I just heard. Are you alright?
Phoebe: I'll be fine. How did you find out that he dumped me?
Monica: Ah, I didn't. Lucky guess I guess?
Joey: What did Duncan say?
Phoebe: He said he's more into men right now than women.
Chandler: So he's a bisexual?
Phoebe: No, he's all man, trust me. (Monica, Chandler, and even Joey look confused) I can't believe he left me for another man.
Joey: So he came out of the closet again?
Phoebe: Which one? The straight one or the gay one?
Monica: There's more than one closet?
Phoebe: I don't know. Things were going great and all of the sudden he decides to go back to dating men. Did I do something wrong? Am I not enough of a woman for him?
Joey: Ah, don't say that Phoebe. You're too much woman for most men.
Phoebe: Thanks Joey. I think it's time for you to experience some Phoebe love.
Joey (walking towards Phoebe): Let's get it on.
Phoebe: Oh, like I'd ever sleep with Joey.
Joey: Damn it! One of these times you're gonna wanna sleep with me and I'm gonna say no!
Chandler: Like you could ever say no.
Joey: You're right. Who am I kidding? I'd sleep with Phoebe in an instant.
Monica: Would you sleep with me?
Joey: No way, you would be too bossy.
Monica: I'm not bossy!
Chandler: You so are… (Monica glares at Chandler) not bossy.
RALPH LAUREN (The next day. Rachel's office, she's sitting at her desk. Her boss, Kim, walks in)
Rachel: Hey Kim, what can I do for you?
Kim: Pee in this cup.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Kim: You've been selected to participate in our random drug-testing program. Knowing you, it's a mere formality, you just have to pee in the cup. Here you go. (Kim hands her the cup)
Rachel (nervously): Thanks. When do I have to do this?
Kim: Right now.
Rachel: But I don't have to pee.
Kim: I'll give you fifteen minutes. Drink some water. I'll be right back.
(Rachel picks up her phone and dials)
Rachel: Ross, it's me.
Ross: Hey honey.
Rachel: Ross, I've been selected for drug-testing, what am I gonna do?
Ross: Make sure you don't pee on your hand.
Rachel: Ross! Help me!
Ross: Well I can't come down there and pee for you.
Rachel: That's a great idea. Come down here now.
Ross: Rach, as much as I'd love to, I can't. I have to teach a class in five minutes. You'll be fine.
Rachel: I'm gonna fail the test!
Ross: Don't worry about it, it will all work out.
Rachel: You're no help. I might as well have called Joey.
(Kim reappears - quick fifteen minutes huh-)
Kim: Are you ready Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah, I guess so.
(Kim and Rachel walk down to the bathrooms. Rachel enters and Kim follows right behind her)
Rachel: What are you doing?
Kim: I have to watch you pee.
Rachel: I can't pee in front of you!
Kim: No, you go in the stall and do your business and I stay out here and make sure you're not cheating.
Rachel: Why would I cheat? I have nothing to hide. Why even take the test? Come on Kim, you know me, I can't even smoke cigarettes. Why would I do drugs?
Kim: Then you have nothing to worry about. Now pee in the cup, I have a meeting to get to.
Rachel: We can do this later if you want?
Kim: Rachel, pee in the damn cup before I do it for you.
Rachel: Why don't you?
Kim: Do what?
Rachel: Pee in the cup for me.
Kim: Rachel, pee in the cup now!
Rachel: Ok, ok, no need to get pissy.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Chandler and Phoebe are present)
Monica: How are you doing Phoebe?
Phoebe: I'm actually alright. I've got this thing going on with this guy, it's kinda cool.
Monica: Already? Duncan just dumped you yesterday.
Phoebe: So, I have known this guy for a long time.
Chandler: Who is he?
Phoebe: Oh, you don't know him. Hey there's Ross.
Ross: Hey. Has Rachel shown up yet?
Monica: Does it look like she's here?
Ross: Very funny. She called me at work and told me that she got selected for drug-testing.
Phoebe: She's screwed. I told her that pot was bad.
Monica: You did not!
Phoebe: Seems like the green bud has clouded your memory too.
Chandler: Was she gonna try to cheat?
Ross: How do you cheat on a drug-test?
Chandler: Well, first you drink a lot of water, then when you have to pee… (realizes everyone is staring at him) ah, I don't know.
(Rachel enters and you can tell she's been crying)
Ross: Rach, what's wrong?
Rachel: I failed the drug test and they suspended me without pay for a whole month. How am I gonna pay the rent?
Ross: Ah, Rach, I pay the rent. (Rachel glares at Ross) But that's not important.
Monica: What did they say?
Rachel: Kim came into my office and said I tested positive for marijuana. She wanted to know why?
Phoebe: What did you tell her?
Rachel: I told her that my old roommates were smoking pot around me and I must've inhaled the smoke.
Monica: Thanks for blaming it on us!
Chandler (ignoring Monica): Apparently your explanation didn't work.
Rachel: You think? Kim said nice try. She said she had heard that excuse before.
Rachel: Yeah, she said that her last assistant used the same excuse.
Ross: Well at least they didn't fire you.
Rachel: Yeah, I guess. Actually, Kim said that Ralph Lauren himself tested positive for marijuana today.
Monica: Why did he have to take the test, he owns the company?
Rachel: What do I care? He's the only reason I kept my job. Since he tested positive, he told all department heads that those who tested positive were not to be fired, just suspended.
Joey: Hey. What's up?
Phoebe: Rachel tested positive for marijuana at work and was suspended without pay for a whole month.
Joey: Really? That sucks. Of course I am used to going a whole month without a paycheck.
Chandler: Yes, but in Rachel's case, it's involuntarily.
Ross: Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson. Drugs are not our friends.
Rachel: Thank you Mr. Rogers.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler is at the closed bedroom door pleading to Monica)
Chandler: Come on Mon, I said you weren't bossy.
Monica (from behind the door): You're sleeping on the couch.
Chandler: Come on, let me in.
Chandler: Monica, open the damn door now!
Monica (opens the door): Don't get bossy with me! (slams the door shut)
Chandler: Fine! The wedding's off!
Monica (opens the door and walks towards the front door): Fine!
Chandler: Where are you going?
Monica: To show Joey I'm not bossy. (Monica leaves)
(Chandler stands confused. Then he realizes what she meant and runs out of the apartment to go get Monica)