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Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

Previously on Friends:

Rachel: Then what the hell are you lighting up?

Phoebe: Just this stuff. (holds out her hand to reveal little green buds)

Monica: What is that stuff?

Phoebe: I dunno, but it makes me feel real giddy.

Rachel: Phoebe! That's marijuana. That stuff is illegal. Where did you get it?

Phoebe: Frank gave it to me. He said it would relieve my stress.

Rachel: How can you be under stress, you're not even working.

Phoebe: Good point.

Monica: I say we try it.

Rachel: What?

Monica: I say we light up.

Rachel: Are you crazy? That stuff is illegal.

Monica: So? Are you scared? Come on, we never cut loose anymore.

Phoebe: I'm in.

Monica: Rachel?

Rachel: Great, my friends are turning into Cheech and Chong. Fine, I'm in.


RALPH LAUREN (Rachel is working at her desk, Brad comes in)

Brad: Hey Rachel.

Rachel: Oh hi. How are you?

Brad: Good. I was just coming to see if I could take you to….wow, that's some ring that you got on your finger.

Rachel: Isn't it. It's my engagement ring. Ross, my fiancé, gave it to me.

Brad: Oh so you're getting married. (long pause) How long have you been seeing him?

Rachel: Off and on for about seven years.

Brad: Man, I totally misread your signals. God, I feel like a fool. I mean I kissed you and everything.

Rachel: Don't worry about it Brad. It's partially my fault. I should have told you that I was attached. But hey, we can still be friends.

Brad: Ah yes, the famous consolation prize. Anyway, did you hear? The company is instituting a random drug-testing program. They're starting it tomorrow.

Rachel (has a look of horror on her face): Really?

Brad: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh my God, oh my God.

Brad: Are you alright?

Rachel: I'm fine. I'm fine. I, I, I have to go.

(Rachel leaves Brad standing in her office).

CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Phoebe are sitting on the couch talking. Rachel storms in)

Rachel: Have you guys seen Ross?

Monica: No.

Rachel: Where is he, he wasn't at home either.

Phoebe: Well given that it's 11 am on a Wednesday, I think it is safe to say that he's at work.

Rachel: Why didn't I think of that?

Phoebe: Maybe it's because you killed too many brain cells the other day.

Rachel: That's exactly what I have to talk to him about.

Monica: Rach, what's going on?

Rachel: Ralph Lauren is instituting a random drug-testing program.

Monica: When?

Rachel: The first tests are tomorrow. If I get picked, I am gonna fail and lose my job.

Phoebe: I told you not to smoke pot. It's nothing but trouble. (Monica and Rachel glare at Phoebe)

Rachel: What? It was your stupid idea to smoke pot in the first place.

Phoebe: Nah uh!

Monica: Rachel, she's right. It was my idea.

Rachel: Well she supplied it.

Phoebe: Hey, don't blame me.

Rachel: Well who should I blame then?

Phoebe: Monica.

Monica: What?! Why me?!

Phoebe: 'Cause you're not me.

Rachel: That's it. It is both your faults. I'm gonna go find Ross.

(Rachel leaves. A man approaches Phoebe and Monica)

Man: Ah excuse me, but I couldn't help overhear your conversation. I was just wondering, do you have any weed that I could buy from you?

JOEY'S APARMENT (Ross, Chandler and Joey are hanging out, doing nothing)

Ross: So what do you guys want to do today?

Chandler: Pretty much what we're doing.

Joey: Yeah, the key to a good day is to do as little as possible.

Chandler: Aren't you supposed to be at work Ross?

Ross: My class isn't until 2pm. What time is it?

Joey: It's midnight. Oh wait, my watch must have stopped again.

Chandler (to Joey): You're an idiot. (to Ross) It's noon.

Joey (to Chandler): Why aren't you at work?

Chandler: I called in sick.

Ross: What was your excuse?

Chandler: I told my boss I had a headache.

Joey: A real one or one that Monica cures?

Ross: Hey that's my sister you're talking about!

Joey: Sorry.

Ross: Well Chandler, which one?

(there's a knock on the door, Joey goes an answers it)

Joey: Hey Duncan, what's up?

Duncan: Have you guys seen Phoebe? I really need to talk to her.

Ross: I think she's at Central Perk with Monica.

Chandler: So what's the big news?

Duncan: I'd really rather tell Phoebe first.

Joey: Oh come on, you're one of the guys, tell us.

Duncan: I really think I shouldn't.

Ross: Duncan, we won't say a word to Phoebe.

Duncan: Fine. (pause) I'm breaking up with Phoebe.

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is teaching, Rachel comes storming into his classroom)

Ross: And in the Cretaceous Period this family of dinosaurs developed the ability to…..

Rachel: Ross, Ross, where the hell have you been?!

Ross: Ah class, this is my fiancée Rachel. Could you excuse me for a moment? (to Rachel) Let's speak outside.

(Ross and Rachel go outside of his classroom door)

Ross: What the hell is so important that you have to interrupt me in the middle of my class?

Rachel: Oh please, like those students really care about paleontology. (Ross glares at Rachel)

Ross: What do you need?

Rachel: Ralph Lauren is instituting a random drug-testing program tomorrow. If I get picked I am so gonna get fired.

Ross: I told you not to take that trip to the other side.

Rachel: Would you quit it with that? What am I gonna do?

Ross: There's not much you can do. Marijuana stays in your system for at least 60 days. It also shows up in your hair follicles even longer than that.

Rachel: How do you know all this?

Ross: I am a scientist and a geek. It's an innate gift.

Rachel: So there is nothing I can do?

Ross: You can try to dilute your urine.

Rachel: How?

Ross: By drinking lots of water and praying that you don't get selected. Look Rach, I've got a class full of students who are dying to hear the rest of my lecture, we'll talk about this later. Bye honey. (quickly kisses Rachel)

Rachel: Dying being the key word.

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is answering her door. Duncan comes in)

Phoebe: Hey.

Duncan: Hey. Ah Pheebs, we have to talk.

Phoebe: Ok. Is this like good news or bad news?

Duncan: It depends on how you look at it.

Phoebe: You're breaking up with me aren't you?

Duncan: Ah….How did you know?

Phoebe: You really don't know me do you?

Duncan: I'm sorry Phoebe, I really am. It's just that I met someone else.

Phoebe: Who is she? Is she as pretty as me?

Duncan: Actually it's a he. And yes, he's pretty.

Phoebe: You're telling me that you're gay again? You keep switching teams.

Duncan: I know, I know. It's just that I got another job as an ice dancer.

Phoebe: What does that have to do with anything?

Duncan: Well it's easier to be a gay ice dancer than a straight one. Look, I wanted to tell you sooner but I was afraid to come out of the closet.

Phoebe: Come out of the closet? The last time you came out of the closet you announced that you were straight, wanted a divorce and were getting married. Now you're coming of out of the closet again?

Duncan: I guess my closet is a revolving door. Actually, I think I am bisexual.

Phoebe: You’re a man and a woman?

Duncan: No, no. It means I like men and women.

Phoebe: So why are we breaking up, I'm a woman?

Duncan: Because I'm going through a stage where I'd rather be with a man.

Phoebe: Alright, whatever.

Duncan: You're not mad?

Phoebe: No, not at all.

Duncan: Really?

Phoebe: No you bisexual freak, I'm mad as hell. Get out!

(Duncan leaves and Phoebe sits down and cries)

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are watching TV)

Rachel: Honey, if I get selected tomorrow, I'm gonna lose my job.

Ross: See, I told you smoking dope is not worth it.

Rachel (annoyed): I realize that now.

Ross: Look, you'll be ok. If you lose your job you can always find another one.

Rachel: I don't want to lose my job, I just got promoted. Damn it, why did I give in to Phoebe and Monica?

Ross: Did Monica sit on you?

Rachel: No, why?

Ross: That's how she made me give in when we were growing up.

CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica and Joey are present)

Chandler: So has anyone heard from Phoebe?

Monica: No. Why?

Joey: Duncan said he was dumping her.

Chandler: Nicely put Joey.

Joey: What?

Monica: Duncan is really going to breakup with her?

Chandler: That's what he told us this morning.

Monica (animated): And you're just telling me now?

Chandler: Sorry?

(Phoebe enters)

Monica: Pheebs, I just heard. Are you alright?

Phoebe: I'll be fine. How did you find out that he dumped me?

Monica: Ah, I didn't. Lucky guess I guess?

Joey: What did Duncan say?

Phoebe: He said he's more into men right now than women.

Chandler: So he's a bisexual?

Phoebe: No, he's all man, trust me. (Monica, Chandler, and even Joey look confused) I can't believe he left me for another man.

Joey: So he came out of the closet again?

Phoebe: Which one? The straight one or the gay one?

Monica: There's more than one closet?

Phoebe: I don't know. Things were going great and all of the sudden he decides to go back to dating men. Did I do something wrong? Am I not enough of a woman for him?

Joey: Ah, don't say that Phoebe. You're too much woman for most men.

Phoebe: Thanks Joey. I think it's time for you to experience some Phoebe love.

Joey (walking towards Phoebe): Let's get it on.

Monica/Chandler: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Oh, like I'd ever sleep with Joey.

Joey: Damn it! One of these times you're gonna wanna sleep with me and I'm gonna say no!

Chandler: Like you could ever say no.

Joey: You're right. Who am I kidding? I'd sleep with Phoebe in an instant.

Monica: Would you sleep with me?

Chandler: Monica!

Joey: No way, you would be too bossy.

Monica: I'm not bossy!

Chandler: You so are… (Monica glares at Chandler) not bossy.

RALPH LAUREN (The next day. Rachel's office, she's sitting at her desk. Her boss, Kim, walks in)

Rachel: Hey Kim, what can I do for you?

Kim: Pee in this cup.

Rachel: Excuse me?

Kim: You've been selected to participate in our random drug-testing program. Knowing you, it's a mere formality, you just have to pee in the cup. Here you go. (Kim hands her the cup)

Rachel (nervously): Thanks. When do I have to do this?

Kim: Right now.

Rachel: But I don't have to pee.

Kim: I'll give you fifteen minutes. Drink some water. I'll be right back.

(Rachel picks up her phone and dials)

Rachel: Ross, it's me.

Ross: Hey honey.

Rachel: Ross, I've been selected for drug-testing, what am I gonna do?

Ross: Make sure you don't pee on your hand.

Rachel: Ross! Help me!

Ross: Well I can't come down there and pee for you.

Rachel: That's a great idea. Come down here now.

Ross: Rach, as much as I'd love to, I can't. I have to teach a class in five minutes. You'll be fine.

Rachel: I'm gonna fail the test!

Ross: Don't worry about it, it will all work out.

Rachel: You're no help. I might as well have called Joey.

(Kim reappears - quick fifteen minutes huh-)

Kim: Are you ready Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah, I guess so.

(Kim and Rachel walk down to the bathrooms. Rachel enters and Kim follows right behind her)

Rachel: What are you doing?

Kim: I have to watch you pee.

Rachel: I can't pee in front of you!

Kim: No, you go in the stall and do your business and I stay out here and make sure you're not cheating.

Rachel: Why would I cheat? I have nothing to hide. Why even take the test? Come on Kim, you know me, I can't even smoke cigarettes. Why would I do drugs?

Kim: Then you have nothing to worry about. Now pee in the cup, I have a meeting to get to.

Rachel: We can do this later if you want?

Kim: Rachel, pee in the damn cup before I do it for you.

Rachel: Why don't you?

Kim: Do what?

Rachel: Pee in the cup for me.

Kim: Rachel, pee in the cup now!

Rachel: Ok, ok, no need to get pissy.

CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Chandler and Phoebe are present)

Monica: How are you doing Phoebe?

Phoebe: I'm actually alright. I've got this thing going on with this guy, it's kinda cool.

Monica: Already? Duncan just dumped you yesterday.

Phoebe: So, I have known this guy for a long time.

Chandler: Who is he?

Phoebe: Oh, you don't know him. Hey there's Ross.

(Ross enters)

Ross: Hey. Has Rachel shown up yet?

Monica: Does it look like she's here?

Ross: Very funny. She called me at work and told me that she got selected for drug-testing.

Monica: No!

Phoebe: She's screwed. I told her that pot was bad.

Monica: You did not!

Phoebe: Seems like the green bud has clouded your memory too.

Chandler: Was she gonna try to cheat?

Ross: How do you cheat on a drug-test?

Chandler: Well, first you drink a lot of water, then when you have to pee… (realizes everyone is staring at him) ah, I don't know.

(Rachel enters and you can tell she's been crying)

Ross: Rach, what's wrong?

Rachel: I failed the drug test and they suspended me without pay for a whole month. How am I gonna pay the rent?

Ross: Ah, Rach, I pay the rent. (Rachel glares at Ross) But that's not important.

Monica: What did they say?

Rachel: Kim came into my office and said I tested positive for marijuana. She wanted to know why?

Phoebe: What did you tell her?

Rachel: I told her that my old roommates were smoking pot around me and I must've inhaled the smoke.

Monica: Thanks for blaming it on us!

Chandler (ignoring Monica): Apparently your explanation didn't work.

Rachel: You think? Kim said nice try. She said she had heard that excuse before.

Phoebe: Really?

Rachel: Yeah, she said that her last assistant used the same excuse.

Ross: Well at least they didn't fire you.

Rachel: Yeah, I guess. Actually, Kim said that Ralph Lauren himself tested positive for marijuana today.

Monica: Why did he have to take the test, he owns the company?

Rachel: What do I care? He's the only reason I kept my job. Since he tested positive, he told all department heads that those who tested positive were not to be fired, just suspended.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey. What's up?

Phoebe: Rachel tested positive for marijuana at work and was suspended without pay for a whole month.

Joey: Really? That sucks. Of course I am used to going a whole month without a paycheck.

Chandler: Yes, but in Rachel's case, it's involuntarily.

Ross: Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson. Drugs are not our friends.

Rachel: Thank you Mr. Rogers.


CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler is at the closed bedroom door pleading to Monica)

Chandler: Come on Mon, I said you weren't bossy.

Monica (from behind the door): You're sleeping on the couch.

Chandler: Come on, let me in.

Monica: No!

Chandler: Monica, open the damn door now!

Monica (opens the door): Don't get bossy with me! (slams the door shut)

Chandler: Fine! The wedding's off!

Monica (opens the door and walks towards the front door): Fine!

Chandler: Where are you going?

Monica: To show Joey I'm not bossy. (Monica leaves)

(Chandler stands confused. Then he realizes what she meant and runs out of the apartment to go get Monica)