THE ONE WITH THE EX-PRIEST
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Ross, and Joey are present)
Rachel: Ross, pass me the cream.
Ross: Here. Have Monica and Chandler left for Bermuda yet?
Rachel: As of this morning. Monica left Phoebe in charge of the restaurant. Hopefully she won't burn the place down while Monica's gone.
Joey: I need a job.
Ross: And out in left field is Joey.
Rachel: I thought Jennifer's agent, or your new agent, lined up a bunch of auditions for you.
Joey: He did, but I lost my date book and I don't know when the auditions are.
Rachel: Did you think to call your agent and ask him when the auditions are?
Joey: And look stupid? I don't think so.
Ross: Yes, losing your date book and missing auditions that your new agent set up for you definitely doesn't make you look stupid.
Joey: I'm glad that you see my point. You gotta get with the program Rachel.
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Ross: What did your agent say?
Joey: He said that I was an idiot and should've called him a month ago when I lost my date book. You're not gonna believe this, but he had the nerve to drop me as a client. He said I was irresponsible!
Rachel: Imagine that.
Ross: What are you gonna do?
Joey: I'm gonna call Jennifer and tell her that her agent sucks. That's what I'm gonna do.
Rachel: Yeah that'll definitely get your agent back.
Joey: Damn right. (Joey goes to leave Phoebe enters) Hey Phoebe, how is hell treating you these days?
Phoebe: It's hot and very uncomfortable. Thanks for asking. (to Ross and Rachel) Hey.
Rachel: Where've you been all week? No one's seen you or heard from you. We've been worried sick.
Phoebe: I've been preoccupied. Although I do have a phone, you could've called or better yet, checked in on me.
Rachel: Well I for one have been real busy.
Ross: And I don't know your phone number.
Rachel: That's gotta be the stupidest excuse I've ever heard. Wait, "we were on a break" can beat that.
Ross (flipping off Rachel): So what have you been preoccupied with Pheebs?
Phoebe: I think I did something terribly wrong.
Rachel: You burned down the restaurant already?
Phoebe: Give me some credit, it's not that bad. No, I think I might have slept with Father John.
Ross: Oh that's definitely not bad at all. The only thing that'll happen to you is that you'll go straight to hell.
Rachel: You seduced Father John?! He's a Priest for Christ's sake. (Phoebe laughs) What's so funny?
Phoebe: Well he is a Priest for Christ's sake.
Phoebe: Never mind the joke went totally over your head.
Ross: What, when, where, why, how, what were you thinking?
Phoebe: Joey had borrowed Father John's car to take Jenna to the hospital.
Rachel: And that caused you to sleep with Father John?
Phoebe: No, no, I told Father John that he could sleep in my bed if he wanted to.
Rachel: Does the phrase "and lead us not into temptation" mean anything to you?
Phoebe: You didn't let me finish! Father John said that he'd sleep on the couch. So I went to bed. When I awoke the next morning, I went out to the family room to wake Father John, but he wasn't there.
Ross: So you didn't sleep with him. He merely slept on the couch, got up early and left. What's the big problem here Pheebs?
Phoebe: I went back into my room to find Father John sleeping in my bed. He came into my room at some point during the night and climbed into bed with me!
Rachel: But nothing happened right?
Phoebe: I don't think so.
Ross: Ok, so he slept in your bed. If you didn't do anything with him, that means he didn't break his vows.
Phoebe: There's only one problem.
Rachel: What's that?
Phoebe: I sleep in the nude. He saw me naked! What man in his right mind wouldn't take advantage of a sleeping naked woman? I had dream sex that night, did it ever occur to you that I may not have been dreaming?
BERMUDA (Monica and Chandler are present. They're checking into the Hotel)
Chandler: You've really outdone yourself this time Mon, this place is awesome.
Monica: Only the best for my Muriel.
Chandler: Please don't call me that anymore Eunice.
(Monica and Chandler approach the reception desk)
Monica: Hi. We have a master suite reserved for under the name Mrs. Monica Bing.
Receptionist (checking): I'm sorry, I don't see your reservation in the computer.
Monica: But it has to be in the computer! I made the reservation two weeks ago!
Receptionist: I'm sorry Mrs. Bing, but we do not have your reservation.
Monica: Where's the manager? I wanna speak to the manager this instant.
Receptionist: Very well, I'll be right back.
Monica (to Chandler): Don't worry honey, I'll get this mess straightened out.
Chandler: For their sake, they better find us a room.
Manager: How may I help you?
Monica: The clerk here says that you don't have my reservation in the computer! I reserved our master suite two weeks ago! I want my God damn master suite and I want it right now!
Manager: Ok ma'am, please calm down. Let me check the computer again. What name is the reservation under?
Monica: Mrs. Monica Bing.
Manager: I'm sorry ma'am, we don't have your reservation. Are you sure you're at the right hotel?
Monica: This is the Westin Hotel isn't it?
Manager: No ma'am, this is the Wyndham Hotel. The Westin Hotel is next door.
Monica (embarrassed): Have a good day. (Monica and Chandler leave)
Manager (to the receptionist): That poor bastard, he's really married to a bitch.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey is on the phone)
Joey: Mom? (pause) Oh sorry Brad, you sounded like my mother. I thought I accidentally dialed her. (pause) Yeah, she has a really deep voice. (pause) Is Jennifer there? (pause) Thanks. (pause) Hey Jennifer, it's Joey. (pause) No, no one's in the Hospital. I need a favor. (pause) Please? (pause) But Jennifer, I won't have an agent and I really need to find a job. (pause) Because I didn't want to look like an idiot. (pause) Well yeah, I realize that now. But in my defense, I'm a real slower thinker. The irony to all this is that I just found my date book. (pause) It was in the freezer. (pause) I was reading The Shining again and I must've accidentally put my date book in the freezer instead of The Shining. (pause) It's a really scary book. The freezer freezes the scary parts so I can read them. (pause) Can you help me? (pause) Thanks, I promise, I won't screw up again. (pause) Are you and Brad having sex yet? (pause) Hello?
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are present)
Rachel: Pheebs, did you talk to Father John about what might have happened?
Phoebe: Are you crazy?! I left him in my apartment and went to Wicked Eye.
Ross: You went to a bar at 7:30 in the morning?
Phoebe: Hey! You'd drink heavily if you thought you had just bedded a Priest!
Rachel: Have you heard from Father John since then?
Phoebe: He's called like twenty times.
Ross: What'd he say?
Phoebe: He kept telling me to call him.
Ross: So you haven't talked to him.
Phoebe: How in the world did you get your Doctorate degree?
Rachel: Phoebe, you can't avoid him forever. Just talk to him, what's the worst that could happen?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know, how about finding out that he did have sex with me while I was asleep?
Ross: Don't you think you would've woken up if he were having sex with you?
Phoebe: No, I'm a real heavy sleeper.
BERMUDA (Chandler and Monica are lounging at the beach. Chandler's very uncomfortable)
Chandler: Can we go inside now?
Monica: Honey, you look fine. See, all the guys are wearing them.
Chandler: Yes, but they can fill it out.
Monica: Do you want me to bend over in front of you? That'll help you fill it out.
Chandler: No, that'll cause me to get a pup tent which would be even more embarrassing than wearing this, this thing. Can't I just go put my regular swimsuit on?
Monica: No! I paid a lot of money for that suit. You're wearing the thong.
Chandler: How could you pay a lot of money for this suit? There's not much here to begin with.
Monica: Are we talking about the suit or your equipment?
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Rachel are present)
Phoebe: Thank God Ross went to pick up Ben from school. He was really starting to annoy me with his holier than thou attitude.
Rachel: Pheebs, Ross is anything but holier than thou. Hell he slept with that Copy Girl three hours after we went on a break.
Phoebe: Somebody needs to learn the word forgiveness.
Rachel: Ok, this isn't about me, this about you seducing a Priest!
Phoebe: I didn't seduce him. He's the one that climbed into bed with me!
Rachel: And you're the one who invited him over to watch The Thornbirds!
Phoebe: Which he admitted that he had seen!
Rachel: He did?
Phoebe: Yes. He lied to me when he told me that he hadn't seen it.
Rachel: Priests are allowed to lie?
Phoebe: He said he lied so he'd have something to talk about at confession. Isn't that neat?
Rachel: Pheebs, he's a Priest! He shouldn't be lying.
Phoebe: Don't you think I know that? He also shouldn't be climbing into bed with a sleeping nude woman.
Rachel: Why exactly do you sleep in the nude?
Phoebe: The same reason that I clean in the nude, it's liberating. (There's a knock on the door) What should I do?
Rachel: Most people answer the door.
Phoebe: But what if it's Father John?
Rachel: You're gonna have to talk to him sooner or later. If God's will is that you speak to him now, then you speak to Father John now.
Phoebe: Ok, no more going to Church for you. God's will, if God had a plan for me it wouldn't have included living on the streets, having my Mom kill herself and having Satan as a twin sister.
(The person knocks again)
Rachel: Answer the door Phoebe.
Phoebe: I'll be right there! (to Rachel) What am I gonna say?
Rachel: Whatever comes naturally.
Phoebe: The thing that comes naturally to me is dirty talk. I can't talk dirty to a Priest!
(Phoebe opens the door. It's a deliveryman)
Delivery Man: Hi, I've got your pizza.
Phoebe: I didn't order any pizza.
Delivery Man: Is this Apartment 19?
Phoebe: No that's directly behind you. You must be new.
Delivery Man: Yeah, how'd you know?
Phoebe: You'll learn soon enough. Joey! Your pizza's here!
(Joey opens the door)
Joey: What took you so long? You said you'd be here in twenty minutes! It's been twenty-three!
(Phoebe goes to go back inside as Father John enters the hallway)
Father John: Phoebe!
Phoebe (rushing back inside): Sorry, she's not here! (she shuts the door) Oh my God, it's Father John!
Rachel: Well talk to him.
Phoebe: Can't I just act like I didn't see him?
(Father John knocks on the door)
Father John: Phoebe, please open the door, I need to talk to you.
Phoebe (in a fake voice): I'm sorry, Phoebe doesn't live here anymore.
Rachel (going to answer the door): This is completely ridiculous. (opens the door) Hi Father John, come on in.
Father John: It's Rachel right?
Rachel: Yes. It's good to see you again. Well I have to go pick up my daughter at my mother-in-law's, I'll see you guys later.
Phoebe (to Rachel): Don't get hit by a truck on the way there!
BERMUDA (Monica and Chandler have returned to their room)
Chandler (taking Monica in his arms): Honey, this is the best thing you've ever done for me.
Monica: Better than the eight-course meal you ate of off me naked? And don't forget the special dessert that was all sticky, sweet and warm.
Chandler: You do make the best cinnamon rolls. But this is still the best thing that you've ever done for me.
(There's a knock on the door)
Monica: It's about to get better. (Monica opens the door) Come on in Jane.
Chandler: What's going on? What's Jane Leeves doing here?!
Monica: It's part of your special trip honey. Jane's gonna join us for an evening of entertainment. I know that you've always wanted to see me with another woman and tonight you're gonna have your wish fulfilled.
Jane: I've heard great things about your sexual prowess Chandler. Why don't you come over here and take off my clothes for me?
(Chandler goes over to Jane and starts undressing her)
Monica: Chandler? Chandler? Chandler!
(Chandler wakes up)
Chandler: What? I didn't do anything I swear!
Monica: Honey, room service is here. What were you dreaming about?
Chandler: Just you honey. Just you.
Monica: Then why did you say "I didn't do anything I swear"?
Chandler: Because Joey's the one that broke your vase.
Chandler: In the dream, in my dream Mon.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, and Ben are present)
Ross: So you left Phoebe with Father John? How you completely lost your mind? She's gonna seduce him again!
Rachel: She didn't seduce him the first time.
Ross: She slept with him!
Rachel: No, he merely climbed into bed with her. Nothing happened. And besides, Father John wasn't completely honest with Phoebe. He lied to her.
Ross: So he did sleep with her?
Rachel: Why is it that all men think about is sex?
Ross: Well are brains are located below our belt, so it's kind of obvious as to why.
Ben: No Daddy, they're in our skull, our brains are in our skull.
Ross: You're right son. You're totally right, our brains are in our skull.
Ben: The only things below our belt are our private parts, or as Mommy refers to it, the playground for women.
Ben: I'm gonna go potty.
Ross: You need to watch your mouth around Ben Rachel!
Rachel: I swear, I never said anything of the sort to Ben.
Ross: Then where did he learn it?
Rachel: Anyway…..Father John lied about how he had not seen The Thornbirds. He told Phoebe that he hadn't seen it, when in fact he had. When Phoebe asked why he lied, he told her that he wanted an excuse to spend time with her.
Ross: Sounds like somebody wants to violate their vows. Phoebe better do the right thing.
Rachel: Which is?
Ross: What da ya mean "which is?" She should tell him that he's a Priest and he should remain celibate!
Rachel: I don't know about that. Phoebe's already on the express train to Hell, why would she do something righteous now?
Joey: There you guys are! Doesn't anyone spend time at home anymore?
Ross: You went to our apartment?
Joey: No, I came here first.
Rachel: What's up Joe?
Joey: I got the role of a lifetime!
Ross: As an Italian immigrant who can't speak English?
Joey: No, I lost that role because me English was too well.
Rachel: I can see why they made their decision. What's the role Joey?
Joey: It's this love story about two characters who were friends for a long time and then they go to Italy for a friend's wedding and they wind up falling in love with each other.
Rachel: It sounds like the Monica and Chandler story.
Joey: It's nothing like Monica and Chandler's romance, they went to London, not to Italy and they went there for Ross' second wedding. In the movie, the characters go to Italy for Emily's wedding. It's nothing like Monica and Chandler. It's the exact opposite. What's the matter with you? Are you stupid or something?
Ross: Who's your love interest?
Joey: That the cool part! Courteney Cox Arquette plays my love interest. I get to have simulated sex with Courteney Cox Arquette!
Rachel: Simulated, simulated sex?
Joey: Yeah you just grope each other but there's no actual penetration.
Joey: Yeah it bummed me out too. I mean, how great would it be to get to bang Courteney Cox Arquette?
Rachel: When does filming start?
Joey: In a month. I get to go to LA for three months!
Ross: Have you told Jenna?
Rachel: You're pregnant fiancée. Remember her?
Joey: I'm sure she'll be totally fine with it.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna are present)
Jenna (mad): I don't think so! You're not leaving me here like this just so you can act in some movie!
Joey: But Jenna, I get to headline a movie and have simulated sex with Courteney Cox Arquette!
Joey: I said I get to headline a movie.
Jenna: You just wanna sleep with Courteney Cox Arquette!
Joey: Well that is an added perk.
Jenna: What did you just say?!
Joey: You should really have your hearing checked. I said it was an added perk.
Jenna (throwing the phone book at Joey): You want to cheat on me and you're not even trying to hide it!
Joey: No I'm not!
Jenna: You want to have simulated sex with a beautiful actress because your pregnant girlfriend won't sleep with you anymore!
Joey: That's not true Jenna. I'm just acting. I love you.
Jenna: Then don't do the movie. If you really love me, you won't do the movie.
Joey: But Jenna, this is my career.
Jenna: I mean it, you do this movie, don't expect me to be waiting for you when you return.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Father John are present)
Father John: You didn't call me back so I thought I'd stop by and make sure everything's ok.
Phoebe: Yeah, sorry about that, my phone was disconnected.
Father John: It's not nice to lie to a Priest. Your answering machine wouldn't work if your phone weren't working.
Phoebe: Damn it!
Father John: You were gone when I woke up the other day. Where'd you go?
Phoebe: I had an appointment.
Father John: At 7:30 on a Saturday?
Phoebe: Yeah, my gynecologist only works on Saturday. She works really weird hours.
Father John: Are you done lying to me yet?
Phoebe: I would never lie to you, you're a Priest.
Father John: You've been lying to me the entire time I've been standing here. And by the way, I was a Priest.
John: I left the Priesthood last week. I turned in my collar. After spending the night with you, I realized that I'm not cut out to be a Priest.
Phoebe: Oh my God! You did take advantage of a sleeping nude woman! I wasn't dreaming, you really had sex with me!
John: I didn't have sex with you Phoebe. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just that I was a Priest at the time and I knew I couldn't violate my vows. I merely slept next to you.
Phoebe: But you said that you were gonna sleep on the couch! If I would've known that you were gonna crawl into bed with me, I would've worn pajamas to bed!
John: I'm sorry, I didn’t think that you'd react this way. I thought you'd be happy to hear that I left the Priesthood. I want to be with you. I want to get to know you.
Phoebe: I can't, I just can't. You're totally different to me now.
John: How am I different?
Phoebe: Well for one you're not a Priest anymore. You're just some guy who didn't take advantage of a sleeping nude woman. What guy in their right mind wouldn't take advantage of a sleeping nude woman?
John: A guy who's nice and respects women.
Phoebe: Like that's important to me. Here I was trying to seduce you and all I get is some guy who crawls into bed with me in the middle of the night just to sleep.
John: What did you expect?
Phoebe: If I knew you were gonna climb into bed with me?
Phoebe: Then I expected the high hard one, not a cuddling experience. If I wanted that I'd go back to sleeping with women.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Ben and Caitlin are present. Ross and Ben are playing a football video game. Rachel and Caitlin are in the master bedroom)
Ben: You really suck at this Dad.
Ross: Don't use that word.
Ben: You really stink at this Dad.
Ross: It's still early, I can come back.
Ben: You're down by 31 points in the second quarter. I would choke on my own vomit before I'd let you back into this game. You might as well quit now.
Ross: Ha! I got to your forty-yard line with that sweet return! Here comes seven points for me! The quarterback drops back to pass, he throws deep down the sideline, his receiver is there….
Ben: But the cornerback intercepts the ball! There's a wall of blockers…..touchdown! You're now down by 37 points!
Ross: F^ck! I hate this stupid game!
Ben: Mommy! Daddy swore!
Caitlin (from the bedroom): F^ck.
Rachel (emerging from the bedroom, mad): What the f^ck are you doing? You know you're not supposed to f^cking swear in front of Caitlin and Ben!
Caitlin: F^ck. Ma f^ck.
Ross: I'm sorry, it slipped. What's your excuse?
(there's a knock on the door)
Rachel: Come on in.
Joey: Hey. How are things at the Gellers?
Ben: Daddy and Mommy both swore.
Joey: What'd they say?
Ben: They said….
Ross: It's not important Joey! What do you need?
Joey: I need some advice.
Rachel: What's the matter?
Joey: Jenna is threatening to end our relationship if I take that movie offer.
Ross: Then it's pretty simple Joe, you have to pass on the movie offer.
Joey: But this is a huge role for me! If I turn it down I might not get another chance.
Rachel: How'd you tell her?
Joey: I just told her the truth.
Ross: That you were offered a lead in a love story and filming starts in a month in LA.
Joey: And that I get to have simulated sex with Courteney Cox Arquette.
Ben: What's simulated sex?
Ross: Go read a book Ben.
Ross: Because I said so.
Joey: Don't worry buddy, I'll explain it to you later.
Ben: Like how you told me that Daddy's totally whipped?
Joey (to Ross): So what should I do?
Ross: Totally whipped? I'm not totally whipped!
Rachel: Yes you are.
Ross: Rachel! Not in front of Joey! I have a reputation!
Rachel: Joey, Ross is not totally whipped. At least he's not in his mind.
Joey: Can we get back to my problem here?
Rachel: You actually told Jenna that one of the reasons you wanted to do the movie was so that you could have love scenes with Courteney Cox Arquette?
Joey: Not love scenes, simulated sex. You're hard of hearing like her.
Ross: You are an idiot. You don't tell your fiancée that you want a movie role because you get to have simulated sex with a hot co-star!
Joey: What was I supposed to tell her?
Rachel: That you wanted to do the movie because it would be good for your career. You leave it at that. Didn't Jennifer or Brad teach you how to handle telling your significant other a role would require you to have love scenes with another woman?
Joey: No. All they said is that you should tell your girlfriend or wife that you're merely acting and love scenes are part of the job.
Rachel: So they did tell you.
Joey: I already said that they didn't!
Rachel: The problem here Joey is that you told Jenna that you basically wanted to do the movie because you get to have love, I mean simulated sex scenes with Courteney Cox Arquette. You basically told her that you don't love her enough to consider how she would feel seeing you mix it up with another woman on the big screen.
Joey: But it's just acting. Courteney Cox Arquette is married to that idiot who does those 1-800-Collect commercials. Look, I want to do this movie, you guys have got to figure a way to convince Jenna to let me do the movie.
Rachel: Sorry Joey, but you're on your own. You have to figure out how to convince her yourself.
Joey: Ross? Come on man, you've gotta help me?
Ross: I'm with Rachel.
Joey: See, you're totally whipped!
Ross: I am not! And even if I was I think you need to fix this situation by yourself. You need to figure out what's more important in your life, you're acting career, or Jenna.
Joey: I knew I should've flown to Bermuda to talk to Monica and Chandler!
BERMUDA (Monica and Chandler are present. They're at a Dance Club)
Monica: You dance like you're suffering from Parkinson's Disease.
Chandler: Well excuse me I dance like a cheap hooker!
(the music stops and they return to their table)
Monica: Are you having fun?
Chandler: I so needed this vacation. What do you think the others are doing?
Monica: Phoebe's probably burned down the restaurant and is still trying to seduce Father John, Ross is trying to convince Joey that he's not whipped, Rachel is keeping Ross whipped, and Joey is probably screwing up his relationship with Jenna.
Chandler: So things are still pretty much how they were when we left.
Monica: Pretty much. Do you think that woman is hot?
Chandler: What woman?
Monica: That redhead over there.
Monica: Do you think she's hotter than me?
Chandler (quickly): Definitely not.
Monica: I see that you're learning. (pause) Do you wanna see if she wants to have some fun?
Monica: It's just lately I've been thinking about spicing up our sex life. I just thought that inviting another woman into our bed might be fun. What da ya think?
Chandler (stuttering): Ah, ah, I, I, well, I…..
Monica: Is that a yes? (Chandler nods his head yes) I'll be right back. (Monica goes over to talk to the woman)
Chandler: Lord have mercy!
Monica: Her name is Amber. She'll meet us in our room in an hour.
Chandler: Are, are, are you sure that you want to do this?
Monica: I'm a little nervous, but yeah. It's not like I haven't been with a woman before, Rachel and I had our little tryst after all. Do you wanna do this?
Chandler: I guess. I mean, ah, I don't want you to get jealous seeing me with another woman. I won't do it if you don't want me too.
Monica: Hey, if I get to have fun, then you should too. I have only one rule.
Chandler: Don't look?
Monica: No, you're not to mention a word to this to anyone, especially Joey and Ross.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Jenna is curled up on the barcalounger as Joey enters)
Joey: You win, I won't do the movie.
Jenna: You're doing the movie.
Jenna: You're doing the movie.
Joey: What about the "I mean it, you do this movie, don't expect me to be waiting for you when you return"?
Jenna: Let's just say I had an interesting conversation with a friend of yours.
Joey: Chandler called?
Jenna: No. I talked to Jennifer.
Joey: Jennifer called?
Jenna: She called to see how the audition went. Anyway, she talked to me about how love scenes are on movies, how they really uncomfortable for the actors because of the lights and the crews presence. She allayed my fears and made me realize that love scenes are just part of your job. So, I want you to star in the movie. I know you still love me, and I want to be supportive of your career the way you're supportive of mine.
Joey: Are you sure?
Joey: That makes me so happy. I promise, I won't enjoy groping Courteney Cox Arquette, I'll think of you the entire time.
Jenna: You'd better.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and John are present)
Phoebe: I think you should go.
John: That's it? You don't want to talk about this further?
Phoebe: Talk about what?
John: Our feelings for one another.
Phoebe: I, I, I don't have feelings for you. I had feelings for Father John.
John: I'm still the same person Phoebe.
Phoebe: Could you please just go?
John: What is different now? 10 days ago you were trying to seduce me, now you're acting like I have the plague.
Phoebe: I was not trying to seduce you!
John: So you're saying that you ask Priests out all the time?
Phoebe: Only the good looking ones. But that's not the point.
John: Then what is the point?
Phoebe: You left the Priesthood for me. I can't have that hanging over my head. It's way too much. Heck, I'm already going to hell as it is, I don't need any more help.
John: For starters, Hell only exists if you think it exists. Two, you didn't make me leave the Priesthood, I made that decision myself. And three (long pause)….
Phoebe: And three?
John: You'd think I'd have a third point, but it's not coming to me.
Phoebe: I can't do this. Look, you're a great person and if you hadn't been a Priest, then yeah, I'd go out with you in an instant. But the fact is that you were a Priest. You might someday realize that the Priesthood was meant for you and you'll return to it. I can't handle that possibility.
John: I'm not going to return to the Priesthood.
Phoebe: Good for you. Now if you'll please leave, Father Knows Best starts in five minutes and I don't want to miss it.
John: Ok, I'll leave. But don't think for a minute that I'm not gonna come around again because I am. (John leaves)
Phoebe: There really isn't a Hell? Cool, I can sin all I want!
BERMUDA (Chandler and Monica are present)
Monica: Honey, wake up.
Chandler: What time is it?
Monica: It's 6.
Chandler: Did Amber leave?
Monica: Who's Amber?
Chandler: Damn! It was only a dream!
Monica: You had a threesome in your dream? I had better been there!
Chandler: It was your idea. You invited Amber into our bed.
Monica: Well that's one dream of yours that will never come true. And if you dream cheat on me one more time on this vacation, you're wearing the banana boat on the plane!
Chandler: Ok. (pause) Wait a minute, how'd you find out about my dream with you and Jane Leeves?
Monica: You're gonna have one cold plane ride!