THE ONE WITH ALL THE EX'S
Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
ROSS' APARTMENT (Rachel is sleeping and Ross is watching her)
Ross: God, you're so beautiful. I can't believe we were apart for three years.
Rachel (waking up, smiles at Ross): Hey you.
Ross: Hey sweetie.
Rachel: Isn't this great? I wish we hadn't lost those three years.
Ross: Can I ask you question?
Ross: You might not like it.
Rachel: What is it?
Ross: Have you forgiven me for sleeping with Chloe?
Rachel: Yes. I still don't think your excuse that we were on a break was a good one though.
Ross: Neither do I.
Rachel: But I do know that I love you and have for a long time.
Ross: I love you too.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are looking out the window with binoculars)
Chandler: Do you see them?
Monica: No. Keep quiet.
Chandler: It's not like they can hear us.
Monica: Oh my god.
Chandler: What? What is it? Let me see.
Chandler: Oh my god, Ugly Naked Guy is dressing up as a woman.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are eating breakfast. Joey is sitting in Chandler's barca lounger)
Joey: So, Ugly Naked Guy wants to be a woman. What's the big deal?
Chandler: His underwear was bigger than Monica's when she was fat.
Monica: Thank you for that.
(Ross and Rachel enter holding hands)
Rachel: Hey guys.
Chandler: Well if it isn't the cute couple.
Monica: How was your evening?
Joey: Full of hot sex I bet. (Everyone glares at Joey) What?
Ross: It was nice thank you.
Chandler: What do you two love birds have planned for today?
Rachel: We're going shopping, to lunch and then to dinner.
Ross: Don't forget, I have to swing by the University to pick up my lecture notes.
Monica: Sounds like you have a full day planned.
Chandler: Could it be anymore boring? Shopping and eating? I thought that all new couples did was have sex as much as possible.
Rachel: Anyway, we'd better be going. The stores open at 9.
Ross: Bye guys.
(Ross and Rachel leave)
Chandler (to Monica): We're still a new couple. How about you and I retire to the bedroom?
Monica: Not in your dreams.
Joey: That sounds like Chandler's life before he started dating you Mon.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Joey are present)
Phoebe: Can you believe it, Ross and Rachel back together again.
Joey: I know. First it was Ross and Rachel, then Chandler and Monica, and now Chandler and Monica and Ross and Rachel. Wow, that's confusing. (pause) You know, we're the only two that aren't hooked up together.
Phoebe: Are you thinking what I am thinking?
Joey: What, that we should get together?
Phoebe: No! We need to find our lobsters.
Joey: I don't think food is going to solve our problems.
Phoebe: Our soulmates stupid.
Joey: What's a soulmate?
Phoebe: The persons we're suppose to spend the rest of our life with.
Joey: Oh, I get it. I already know who that is, Yasmine Bleeth.
Phoebe: It is not Yasmine Bleeth. You don't even know her.
Joey: A guy can dream. Who's your soulmate?
Phoebe: David Hasselhoff.
Joey: You watch Baywatch!
Phoebe: Joey, not so loud. Yes, I watch Baywatch.
Joey: That's so cool. You know Pheebs, you could be a Baywatch babe.
Phoebe: I know.
Joey: Pheebs, don't look. (Phoebe looks around)
Phoebe: What? Who is it?
Joey: Pheebs, isn't that Duncan over there.
Phoebe: Oh my God, it is. Duncan!
(Duncan walks over)
Duncan: Phoebe, is that you?
Duncan: God, it's so great to see you again. Hey are you hungry? Do you want to get some lunch?
Phoebe: Sure. (to Joey) I'll see you later. (Phoebe and Duncan exit)
Joey: Well I guess it's just me. (from behind, a woman calls for Joey)
Joey: Kate, is that you?
Kate: Yes! How are you?
Joey: I'm great. It's so great to see you again. How's the soap opera business?
Kate: It sucks, they dropped my character down an elevator shaft.
Joey: Hey that's how they killed Dr. Drake Remoray. God, it's great to see you again. So, how you doin?
Kate: I'm so happy I bumped into you. I've been wanting to see you. Are you up for lunch?
Joey: Sure, and if things go well, I'll treat you to dessert.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica is cleaning, there is a knock at the door)
Monica: Coming. (Monica trips over a broom) Damn it! (Monica opens the door)
Monica: Oh my God, Richard. What are you doing here?
Richard: I just wanted to see if Chandler asked you to marry him.
CHANDLER'S WORK (Chandler is playing solitare on the computer)
Receptionist: Mr. Bing, there is a Janice here you see you.
Chandler: Tell her I'm in Yemen.
Receptionist: Mr. Bing, I already told her that you here. Should I send her in?
Chandler: Fine. (Janice enters). Janice, what are you doing here?
Janice: My dear Bing-a-ling, I heard you were back from Yemen and I just had to rush over to see you.
Chandler: Ah, Janice, there is something you should know.
SAKS FIFTH AVENUE (Ross and Rachel are shopping. Ok, Rachel is shopping, and Ross is acting interested)
Rachel: Honey, does this skirt make my butt look big?
Ross: No. Sweetie, your butt is perfect. Nothing could make it look fat.
Ross: Of course, everyone, my girlfriend has the nicest ass.
(a man enters the department, sees Rachel and tries to get her attention)
Rachel: Barry, what are you doing here? How's Mindy?
Barry: Actually we're getting a divorce.
Rachel: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Barry: Yeah, apparently she likes women more than she likes men.
Ross: I was married to one of those too.
Rachel: Barry, you remember my boyfriend Ross.
(Barry and Ross shake hands)
Barry: I thought you guys broke up.
Rachel: We did, but we just got back together.
Ross: Yup, she's my lobster.
MONICA AND CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica and Richard are talking at the table)
Monica: So, how are things in the Optometry business?
Richard: They're great. People still can't see without glasses so that keeps me busy.
Monica: How's the grandchildern?
Richard: Again, they're great. They're getting big. They're now asking me for money. So Chandler did it, he asked you to marry him.
Monica: Yeah, it was so romantic. I have never been this happy.
Richard: Even when we were together?
Monica: Richard, I told you already, I love Chandler. You had your chance.
Richard: I know. I'm sorry. I better go. It was great seeing you again. Bye. (Richard hugs Monica and leaves)
CHANDLER'S WORK (Continued from earlier)
Chandler: Janice, I'm engaged.
Janice: No you're not. You're just saying that to get rid of me. That's not gonna work this time.
Chandler: Really Janice, I'm engaged to Monica.
Janice: Chandler, you really shouldn't use your friends in your little games to get rid of me. We're soulmates and I'm not letting you get away this time.
Chandler: Janice, I'M ENGAGED!!
Janice: Chandler, stop it. I know you're lying.
Chandler: Fine, I'll prove it to you, let's go.
Janice: Where are we going?
Chandler: To mine and Monica's apartment.
Janice: Fine, if you want to play this charade out, I'm game.
(Chandler and Janice leave)
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Kate are in bed)
Kate: My God, that was unbelievable.
Joey: That's why Joey love is copyrighted.
Kate: Joey, did you think about me while I was gone?
Joey: Yeah. But I never thought you'd come back.
Kate: So you're glad I'm back?
Joey: Yes. For the first time, I can see a relationship lasting more than two weeks.
Kate: You've never had a relationship last more than two weeks?
Joey: I don't think so. I think I have attention deficit disorder when it comes to relationships.
Kate: Do you think I can cure you of that?
Joey: Oh yeah.
PHOEBE AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Duncan are in bed)
Duncan: Wow, we never did that when we were married.
Phoebe: I wanted to, but you kept telling me that you were gay.
Duncan: I'm an ice dancer. I thought I was suppose to be gay.
Phoebe: I think I should've asked you this already, but how is your wife?
Duncan: Oh, we're not married anymore. Turns out she was a lesbian.
Phoebe: Was she an ice dancer too?
Duncan: No, she was a zamboni operator.
Phoebe: Duncan, is this just a one day stand?
Duncan: Not if you don't want it to be.
Ross: Rach, this will take just a minute.
Rachel: It's alright.
Woman: Can I help you? Dinosaur guy, is that you?
Ross: Chloe! You still work here? (Cut to Rachel who looks less than amused)
Chloe: So, how have you been? I haven't seen you in ages.
Ross: I'm good. I'm working down at NYU teaching Paleontology. Actually, I need a copy of these notes.
Chloe: Do you need a Ross special?
Ross: No, just the copies. (Chloe turns to do the copies) Rach, can you believe she still works here?
Rachel: Unbelievable. You'd think she'd have more ambition. I'm gonna wait for you outside. (Rachel turns to leave)
Ross: Rach, is everything alright?
Rachel: Everything is fine. I'll see you out front. (Rachel leaves)
Chloe: Here you go dinosaur boy. That'll be $3.50.
Ross: Thanks. Good to see you again. (Ross goes to leave)
Chloe: Don't be a stranger.
IN FRONT OF COPY STORE
Ross: Hey, are you ready to go eat?
Ross: Rach, what's wrong, you seem distant all of the sudden.
Rachel: It's nothing.
Ross: Come on Rach.
Rachel: Ok. I have forgiven you for sleeping with Chloe, but it was really hard to see her again.
Ross: I understand. It was hard for me too.
Rachel: How was it hard for you?
Ross: I knew it was hard for you. What's hard for you is hard for me.
Rachel: That's so sweet. Let's go get some food, I'm starving.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (Monica is in her bedroom, Chandler and Janice enter)
Chandler: Monica, are you here? (Monica emerges from the bedroom)
Monica: Yeah, how are you honey (sees Janice), oh it's Janice.
Janice: Hi Monica. So Chandler tells me you guys are engaged. Like that could happen.
Monica: Actually Janice, we are engaged and the wedding is in July.
Janice: Ok Chandler, how much are you paying Monica to go along with your charade?
Chandler: I am not paying her anything Janice, she's my fiancee.
Monica: Look Janice, I think you'd better go. (Monica goes over to Chandler and kisses him passionately)
Janice: Ok. Fine. Have it your way Chandler. But we're meant to be together. When this charade ends, I'll be there waiting for you. (Janice leaves)
Chandler (happily, dancing around): She's gone! I will never see her again.
Janice: I forgot my purse. Bye Bing-a-ling.
Monica: Get out Janice.
Chandler: I owe you my life for taking me away from her. May I show you my appreciation in there (points to the bedroom).
Monica: I'd love to be appreciated.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present, including Kate and Duncan)
Rachel: Can you believe Mindy is a lesbian?
Monica: Something about that girl always freaked me out.
Joey: She's a lesbian? Cool.
Kate: Joey, how is that cool?
Joey: Haven't you ever seen porn?
Phoebe: Duncan's ex-wife was a lesbian too.
Chandler: Maybe she hooked up with Mindy.
Joey: Now that would be cool.
Monica: I saw Richard today.
Chandler: Richard, as in mustache man? What did he want?
Monica: To wish us luck on our engagement.
Chandler: He didn't want to try and steal you again?
Monica: He tried, weakly, but I told him that he had his chance.
Chandler: That's right, you're mine now. (Monica glares at Chandler). Ok, you're not mine, you're my fiancee.
Ross: Nice save Chandler.
Rachel: You'll never guess who Ross and I bumped into today, Chloe.
Chandler: As in hot copy girl Chloe? (Monica again glares at Chandler) But not as hot as you Mon.
Joey: It would be cool if she was a lesbian. (Everyone stares at Joey) What?
Phoebe: This is so weird. Everyone bumped into their ex's today. Today is ex-day.
Monica: And Chandler, if you keep it up, you're gonna be my ex.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (Chandler is looking out the window and Monica is in the bedroom)
Chandler: Monica, come here quick!
Monica (emerging from the bedroom): What is it?
Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy is wearing a mini-skirt and black pumps.
Monica: Ew, that's gross. I don't need to see that.
Chandler: Come to think of it, neither do I.