By Alyssa Vergara (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)

I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom FRIENDS.

This fanfic supposedly takes place after ďThe One With Phoebeís Powers.ĒI know it may seem strange but Sarah Paulsonís still here as Kristen.Comments, suggestions, feedback of all kind are welcome!Write me at Joya_Preciosa@hotmail.com

 

THE ONE WITH THE EMBARRASSING SONGS

 

Scene A:

(Itís the coffee house.Joeyís on the left chair, Monica on the right.Phoebe on the left side of the couch sitting next to Chandler & Ross and Rachel are occupying the right side- sort of snuggling.)

CHANDLER:(Gets up.)Iím going to go to the bathroom.

MONICA:Good- I hope you donít . . . accidentally flush yourself down the toilet or something.

CHANDLER:(Glaring at Monica.)Now thatís never happened to me but Iím sure itís happened to you- considering how much time you spend cleaning toilets.You sure that you werenít a janitor in a past life?(Makes his way to the bathroom.)

PHOEBE:(Peers curiously at Monica.)

ROSS:(To Rachel.)You know I definitely think youíre under-appreciated Rachel.They donít- they donít realize how hard you work and how much you deserve a big promotion.Even higher than you were when you started.

JOEY:Thatís not what you said when she first got a job.

RACHEL+ROSS:(Give Joey dirty looks.)

ROSS:(To Joey.)Oh great!Iím getting criticized by the guy whose latest pick-up line was, ďHey baby, do your hands hurt because youíve been walking through my mind all day?Ē!

JOEY:(Defensive.)Hey itís an honest mistake!Itís not like hands and feet are really all that different anyway!

MONICA:(To Joey.)Do you actually hear yourself speaking?

RACHEL:Whoa-ho.Stole the words right out of Chandlerís mouth there, didnít you?

MONICA:Since when is it strange if I make a sarcastic remark?Everyone else does.Itís not like Chandler is the king of sarcasm or jokes anyway.Do you think heís funny?I donít think heís funny at all.He makes it look like he is but- (Realizes she was too defensive and quiets down.)

RACHEL:Still mad at him, huh?

MONICA:(Nods.)

RACHEL:Itís been almost a week Monica!What could he have done that was so terrible?Besides that janitor crack.

MONICA:Since when are you so nosy?

PHOEBE:Iíd actually like to know too.

MONICA:(Glares at Phoebe.)Fine- he- he called me fat!

PHOEBE:Lying.

MONICA:Itís true.

JOEY:No, Monica, believe me.Of all the things Chandler and I talk about you behind your back- being fat is not one of them!

MONICA:Wait a second- you guys talk about me behind me back?

JOEY:Duh.

MONICA:(Hands on her hips.)What about?

JOEY:OK . . . we also talk about how your obsessed with cleaning, how you yell too much, and how you always have to paint your toenails at five oíclock every Monday- I mean whatís up with that?!

MONICA:So you make fun of me behind my back?

JOEY:No, thereís good stuff too.

MONICA:What?

JOEY:Well- we talk about the time we accidentally walked in on you when you were in your underwear, about the time you and Richard were making out by the window and everyone on the sidewalk was watching, and about the time you wore that black dress that you didnít know was see-through.Naturally I never told you about that one before.

PHOEBE: (Cutting Joey off.)Joey!Thatís disgusting!

RACHEL:I agree!

MONICA:And I am about to go over there and kick you off that chair!

ROSS:(Staring angrily at Joey, he says in a threatening tone:)Run.

JOEY:(Sniffing.)As if Ross could tackle me.

MONICA:If he doesnít do it- I will.

JOEY:(Looks frightened.)Later!(Darts out of Central Perk.)

OPENING CREDITS

SCENE B:

(Central Park.Phoebe and Ross are sitting on a park bench, Ross on the left and Phoebe on the right.Ross is reading the newspaper and Phoebe is holding her guitar, but not playing.Sheís staring to her left.)

PHOEBE:(Tugging on Rossís sleeve.)Ross, that guy is totally checking me out!

ROSS:(Unemotional.)Thatís great Phoebs.

PHOEBE:(Tugs again.)No, Iím serious.He is so into me.

ROSS:(Looks up.)OK, Iím male.This sort of thing doesnít interest me and if it did then . . . Carol, Susan, and I wouldnít have so many problems.

PHOEBE:But Ross, he is so cute and so-o into me!Do you think I should go up there?

ROSS:(Unemotional, returning to his paper.He mumbles:)†† I donít know.

PHOEBE:(Grabbing the newspaper from Rossís hand.)OK, if you keep ignoring me Iím going to hit you on the head with this!

ROSS:Phoebe, I donít know, OK?He probably- he probably thinks youíre married or something.

PHOEBE:Oh really, why would you say that?

ROSS:(Shrugs.)Because youíre pregnant.

PHOEBE:So guys see pregnant and automatically think married?

ROSS:Perhaps itís a little old fashioned considering the time period but- yes.

PHOEBE:Uggh, where are Monica and Rachel when you need them?

ROSS:Theyíe on their way over here, remember?And when they come you can spill your guts about the guy over there.

PHOEBE: (Thoughtfully.)Do you really think he thinks Iím married?

ROSS:(Getting back to his paper.)Most likely.

PHOEBE:(A determined expression on her face.)Well Iím gonna fix that right now.(She grabs the guitar and begins to sing, loudly.)

When my brother got married to woman like twice his age.

ROSS:(Stares at Phoebe, surprised.He looks around him, embarrassed.)

PHOEBE:(Still singing.)

They couldnít have babies so I had to take the stage.

Iím a pretty cool person- practically everyone thinks so.

Iím also a talented singer, though you already know.

Iím single- not attached

Yeah, there arenít any maybes.

Iím definitely not married-

But Iím having my brotherís babies.

Iím having my brotherís babies.

Iím having my brotherís babies.

And Iím not married.

(Sets the guitar down and looks pleased.)

PEOPLE SURROUNDING ROSS + PHOEBE:(Stare at them oddly.)

ROSS:(Gives Phoebe a ďwhat the hell was thatĒ look and open his hands wide to express his confusion.)

PHOEBE:(Her eyes open wide as if in realization.She snatches the guitar and sings loudly:)And the guy next to me isnít my brother.(She sets the guitar down, pleased with herself.)

ROSS:(Looks around him and grimaces with embarrassment.He puts his hands over his face and then removes them.As if to explain the situation he says to those surrounding them, he says:)A little too much Prozac.

SCENE C:

(Itís the door in front of the guysí apartment.Chandler is obviously returning from work, dressed in work attire with a briefcase to match.)

CHANDLER:(Enters the apartment.He sets his keys on the table.)

KRISTEN:(Is underneath the table, crouched and covering her mouth.)

CHANDLER:(Opens the fridge and screams and does a surprised Chandler hop.We then see a cheap Dracula head sitting in on the top shelf of the fridge.)What the-

KRISTEN:(Shrieks, high-pitched.)

CHANDLER:Bah!(Jumps again.)

KRISTEN:(Pops out from behind him.)

CHANDLER:(Turning to face Kristen.)I canít believe I fell for that.

KRISTEN:Isnít it great?I found it at this stupid little costume place they opened a few blocks from here.Iím looking forward to seeing Joeyís reaction.(Leans in and kisses Chandler quickly.)

CHANDLER:(Stares at her for a moment and the clears his throat.)Look Kristen, we need to talk.

KRISTEN:(Raising her eyebrows.)Whatís up?

CHANDLER:(Swallows hard.)Kristen . . .um . . . Kristen . . . hi Kristen.

KRISTEN:What?

CHANDLER:I think that, well itís not really- what Iím trying to say is. . .

KRISTEN:Are you going to tell me or not because Hollywood Squares is coming on in like five minutes and I donít want to miss it?

CHANDLER:OK, um I think- (stares at the ground)-I think we should, well, we should call it quits.(He looks up in dread of her reaction.)

KRISTEN:(Confused.)On what?

CHANDLER:(At a loss for words.)Well- on the um- the phone calls.

KRISTEN:Phone calls?

CHANDLER:Yeah, all those phone calls youíve been making- they- theyíve been too expensive and well . . .

KRISTEN:Chandler Iíve only been here for a couple of days.Iíve only used the phone twice.Once to check up on my classes and the other to call my mother.

CHANDLER:Ah- ha!Mother- Moms live far away.

KRISTEN:Chandler, my mother lives like ten minutes away from here!

CHANDLER:(Retreating.)Oh um- thatís OK then.

SCENE D:

(Itís the girlís apartment.Itís dark.Clearly night.)

ROSS+RACHEL+PHOEBE+MONICA:(Step in.)

ROSS:(To Phoebe.)All Iím saying is sometimes people get the wrong idea with your songs.If you sing something like that sitting next to me- well it implies that-

PHOEBE:(Cutting Ross off.)Ross, relax.I told them you werenít my brother.

ROSS:Yeah, but-

PHOEBE:(Cutting him off- again.)Besides, you look nothing like me.

MONICA:Well itís not as if Ross and I are identical.

ROSS:See!I agree!

PHOEBE:(Taking Rossís hand.)Look, if it makes you feel any better we can go back to the park tomorrow, sit in the exact same spot, and Iíll sing an entire song about how you are not my brother and just my friend.In fact- I can make up several.Iíll sing really loud so everyone will notice us and look at us- and theyíll see that you are not my brother!

ROSS:(Eyeing Phoebe strangely.)No, Iím good.

MONICA:(Lowers her voice and whispers loudly to Phoebe.)Listen, if youíre not going to do it for you- could you do it for me?

RACHEL:(Giggles.)

ROSS:(Sarcastic.)Ha-ha.Very funny, Mon.

PHOEBE:Come on Monica.Weíve got to go.

MONICA:What, we just got here?

PHOEBE:Yes but Iím actually going to go baby clothes shopping and I figured- well I knew that youíd want to come.††† It wonít be long before the babies come and even though Iím not taking them home- well thatís no reason why they canít look nice.

MONICA:Baby clothes, huh?Just let me go get the tissues.(Turns to make her way to the bathroom.)

PHOEBE:(Grabbing Monicaís arm.)No, no wait!(She pulls out two linen hankies from her purse and hands one to Monica.)This is a special occasion, you know.

RACHEL:(Eyeing the hankies and then Monica.)Are you sure thatís gonna be enough?

PHOEBE:Oh, wait.(She pulls out about ten other hankies from her purse.)I got them on sale at some antique store.

MONICA:(Staring at her hankie, her eyes very misty.)Awww, thereís a tiny bumblebee embroidered in the corner.

PHOEBE:A little ahead of me, honey.(Phoebe takes Monica by the arm.)

MONICA:Oh no, no wait.I need my credit cards I left them in my other purse.(She goes over to the counter and grabs her other purse.)

PHOEBE:Mon, you know, thatís very sweet but you donít need to buy me anything.

MONICA:Oh, no, no.I was kinda planning on getting something for me.

RACHEL:(Raising her eyebrow.)Baby clothes?

MONICA:Yeah, you know, for whenever.(Stares at her hands, semi-embarrassed.)

(An awkward moment in which Ross and Rachel stare at Monica strangely.)

PHOEBE:(Loudly.)Well OK then.(She grabs Monica by the hand and they exit.)

ROSS+RACHEL:(Stare at each other.)

RACHEL:(Smiles for a moment and then says softly:) Ross . . .

ROSS:(Grabs Rachel by the waist and kisses her passionately.)

RACHEL:(Her arms around his neck.)This is stupid.

ROSS:(His arms around her waist.He kisses her again.)Very.

RACHEL:(In between kissing Ross.)We are making a mistake.

ROSS:(Stops a moment to kiss forehead and then stares into her eyes.)I completely agree.

RACHEL:(Looks down and then back up.)Whatís happening?

ROSS:(Letting Rachel go he goes over to the kitchen table and takes a seat.)To be honest- I donít know.I guess it all started after you got me that book and- Rachel it just reminded of the way things used to be.

RACHEL:What do you mean?

ROSS:When we were together- I thought you were the sweetest . . . most beautiful woman in the world.And then we broke up- and we fought and we said all those terrible things to each other- and that picture that I had off you- over time it disappeared.And on some level I just missed that person- that picture- so much.

RACHEL:(Quietly.)I said your name.

ROSS:Huh?

RACHEL:(Sits next to Ross.)When Joshua and I were kissing- I said your name.

ROSS:(Smiling.)Have any idea why?

RACHEL:A few.(She leans in to kiss Ross.)

JOEY:(Enters and interrupts them.)

ROSS+RACHEL:(Pull apart quickly.)

JOEY:(Goes over to the couch, sits down, and turns on the TV.)

RACHEL+ROSS:(Stare at Joey, annoyed.)

RACHEL:(Clears her throat.)Hmm . . . Joey?

JOEY:(Turns to them and his eyes widen.)Oh, hey guys!

RACHEL:Shouldnít you do that in your own home?

JOEY:I would . . . but Chandlerís trying to figure out a way to break up with Kristen and he told me that if I interfered- well heíd kill me.

ROSS:What?

JOEY:I know . . . I know.As if he could ever hurt me.I mean what is this national gang up on Joey day?

ROSS:No, I meant why is he breaking up with Kristen?

JOEY:(Shrugs.)Beats me.All I know is- Iím kind of relieved.

RACHEL:(In disbelief.)You?You are relieved that some hot girl isnít going to be hanging around your place anymore?

JOEY:I know it seems strange but-(he pauses and then whines:)this morning all I wanted was just some strawberry jam on some toast!But guess who just went ahead this morning and ate all of the jam without Joeyís permission!Iím telling you that woman is getting greedy!Pretty soon sheís going to be eating up all my pizza- and my sandwiches- and my . . . my-

ROSS:(Finishes off Joeyís list.)Coffee.

JOEY:Yeah!Yeah!Iím telling you guys we are all in trouble!

SCENE E:

(Itís the guysí apartment.Chandler and Kristen are watching TV, Chandler watching in his chair and Kristen is sitting in Joeyís chair.)

KRISTEN:(A tissue in her hand, she wipes off a tear from her eye.)Oh, I just canít believe they are fighting.

CHANDLER:(Stares at the TV and the back at Kristen, in disbelief.)Kristen, itís the Simpsons!Iím sure Homer and Marge appreciate that you care but come on!

KRISTEN:†† Oh lighten up.(She lowers the volume on the TV and then turns to Chandler.)Hey, you know what we should do?

CHANDLER:What?A party?A gallery?!A play?!A physic reading?!Bungee jumping?!What?!

KRISTEN:Gosh, youíre edgy.I was just going to suggest grabbing a cup of coffee but now that you mention it- Iíve always wanted to try bungee jumping.

CHANDLER:(Serious.)Please be kidding.

KRISTEN:I am. (She goes over to Chandler and kisses him before saying suggestively:)But there is something else that we could do?

CHANDLER:(Looks at Kristen for a second and then shakes his head.)Weíve got to talk.

KRISTEN:Ughh!If you say that one more time Chandler I am going to throw you outside the window.Iíve already apologized for the phone calls, the water bill . . . Joeyís jam- which by the way, I find it very strange that he cried over . . . and the electric bill!Gosh, I never knew you were this cheap!What are you going to bother me about now- did I breathe too much air?

CHANDLER:(Scared.)No- but I did.I should probably go.(He begins to make his way to the door.)

KRISTEN:No, wait.What were you going to say?

CHANDLER:I want to break up . . .(Stares at Kristen, in dread.)

KRISTEN:(Slightly angry.)You want to what?

CHANDLER:But the good news is that you can breathe all the air you want!

SCENE F:

(Itís the hallway.Later that night.Phoebe and Monica are making their way to Monicaís apartment door.Phoebe is carrying one bag.Monica is carrying three.)

PHOEBE:Oh, I am so tired.

MONICA:†† Did those guys really have to throw us out of there?

PHOEBE:Yes Monica because the store was closing.

MONICA:Fine.You want to go again tomorrow?

PHOEBE:Hmmm. . . I donít think so.

MONICA:We could go shopping for um- cribs.

PHOEBE:Nah.

MONICA:Mobiles?

PHOEBE:Nah-uh.

MONICA:Rattles?

PHOEBE:OK, goodbye Mon.(She leans over and kisses Monica on the cheek.)

MONICA:Bye.(She enters her apartment.)

PHOEBE:(While Monica is entering Phoebe is exiting.)

MONICA:(Sets the bags down.She notices Joeyís asleep on the couch and goes over to him.She shakes his shoulder.)

JOEY:(Stirs and awakens.)Hey Mon.

MONICA:Shouldnít you be asleep in your own bed?

JOEY:Yeah well Chandler was breaking up with Kristen earlier and he didnít want me to be around so he made me leave.And then I came over here and Ross and Rachel were- (he pauses a moment and begins to act like a little boy)- being mean to me for some reason and then Ross left and Rachel started yelling at me and-

MONICA:(Cutting Joey off.)Wait a second.Chandler broke up with Kristen?

JOEY:Guess so.

MONICA:(Anxious.)Did he say why?

JOEY:Well no but itís probably because she ate my jam.

MONICA:Huh?

JOEY:(Looks at Monica for a moment and then gets up.)Itís late.I donít feel like explaining stuff.(He walks over to the door.)

MONICA:But Joey-

JOEY:(Cutting Monica off.)And you be sure to tell Rachel that I do respect other peopleís privacy.Sheís the one whoís always gossiping and stuff.(He exits.)

MONICA:(Frustrated.)Oh!(She then stares at the three bags on the floor.)I must be broke.

SCENE G:

(Itís Central Park.The same bench.Phoebe is sitting there with Joey.Joeyís on the right and Phoebeís on the left.Oh yes- also Phoebe has her guitar.)

JOEY:Why are we here again?

PHOEBE:To see the really cute guy that was here yesterday.

JOEY:How can you be sure heíll be here?

PHOEBE:Because this morning I found a Cheerio in my Fruit Loops.

JOEY:Well, how does that . . .

PHOEBE:(Cutting Joey off.)Shhh!There he is!I want him to hear the song I wrote last night.

JOEY:Whatís it about?

PHOEBE:Itís about this Italian guy whoís an actor and is always seeing a lot of women and- he loves sandwiches.

JOEY:But um-

PHOEBE:(Interrupting Joey.)Donít worry.Iíll them itís not you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Itís the girlís apartment.Itís breakfast time.Joey, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are having breakfast at the table.Ross and Rachel are on the couch.)

JOEY:

MONICA:So whyíd you break up with her again?

CHANDLER

ROSS:Hello?Older brother right here!

MONICA:Look, all I can say is that what he did- it was just as bad as him calling me fat, OK?

PHOEBE:Ooo!Did he say that you reminded him of his grandma?

ROSS:Why, who said that to you?

PHOEBE:No one- no wait, you think I look a grandma?That is so rude!(Gets up and makes her way to the door.)

ROSS:Wait- I didnít . . .

PHOEBE:No, I am officially offended!Just you wait, tonight Iíll have so many jokes about your job and youíll- youíll pay!In fact, I may even may them into a song!(Exits.)

ROSS:(To Rachel.) Is there any way you can stop that?

RACHEL:(Flirty.)I donít know, what do I get?

MONICA:†† (Muttering.)Iím not sure about you but I feel nauseated.

ROSS+RACHEL:(Glare at Monica.)

MONICA:So Phoebe can be a little bitter and I canít?(Gets up.)Thatís it!Iím going to go get some more rest because I now am officially offended.(Makes her way to her room.)

ROSS:By what?

MONICA:†† By the fact that you guys are making me sick so early in the morning.(Exits into her room.)

RACHEL:(Looks from Monicaís bedroom door to Ross and smiles.)

ROSS:(Smiles back.)

JOEY: Aw, now Iím offended!(Gets up and exits.)

*Authorís note:Next up is the hour long season finale.Itíll bring up many surprises and Kristen wonít be here!Yay!