By Alyssa(a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa.)

(I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom Friends.This fanfic supposedly takes place after ďThe One With The Dinners Gone Wrong.Ē feedback.All feedback is welcome.Write to Joya_Preciosa@hotmail.com)

 

THE ONE WITH THE GRAPES(Season 5 Premiere)

SCENE A:

(Itís Rossís apartment.Rachelís at the door.Ross is in front of her.)

ROSS:(Where he left off last season.). . . But Iím not apologizing anymore.You know Iím sorry.But I just donít know how to prove it you.

RACHEL:(Stares at Ross, shocked.Clears her throat.)What are you saying?

ROSS:Iím saying take it or leave it Rachel.Do you want to be with me or not?If you really loved me youíd stop punishing me.

RACHEL:(Angry now.)Excuse me, am I not the one that was (starts listing on her fingers) made a very rude list of, cheated on, and- and starved?!How do you get off accusing me, Ross?!

ROSS:(Walking away from Rachel and into the kitchen.)And here we go again.

RACHEL:Oh, would you just shut up Ross!I canít believe you!

ROSS:†† (Inside the kitchen.)Well trust me, itís the truth.

RACHEL:You are so immature!

ROSS:(Coming out of the kitchen, a glass of soda in his hand.He takes a small sip.)Oh, Iím immature, am I?

RACHEL:Very.

ROSS:(Pause as if thinking.)OK, itís your call.(Throws the soda on her face.)

RACHEL:(Agitated and surprised.)Ross!What the hell are you doing?!Do you have any idea how much this sweater cost?!

ROSS:Hmmm. . . no.But enlighten me please?

RACHEL:Argh!I could just- just. . . (pushes Ross with both her hands from his chest.)

ROSS:(Takes step forward and pokes Rachel with his index finger from her shoulder.)

RACHEL:Is that the best you can do?

ROSS:Try me.

RACHEL:Ughh!(Angrily grabs Ross by his sweatshirt and yanks him forward by the neck.)

ROSS:(Quickly grabs Rachel with one arm by the waist and the other hand on her shoulder and kisses her very passionately.)

SCENE B:

(Itís the guysí apartment.Chandler and Monica are standing in front of each other in the middle of the living room.)

I thought we were just friends.

MONICA:(Slides her arms from his neck.)We are.But then again- why was it awkward?

CHANDLER+MONICA:(Stare at each other.)

CHANDLER:(Takes a step forward.)Itís probably because (moves his hand to Monicaís cheek) . . . because (leans in to kiss Monica.)

MONICA:(Closes her eyes as Chandler is leaning in to kiss her.Her eyes suddenly open and she stares at Chandler, shocked.She puts her hand over to her mouth to prevent him from kissing her.)

CHANDLER:(Stares at Monica strangely.His mouth being next to her hand, he says:)You OK?

MONICA:Oh my gosh- what- why- what am I doing?

CHANDLER:(Taking a step back.)Yeah, I was kind of having those same thoughts.

MONICA:Oh my gosh- Chandler Iím sorry but I- I have to get out.(Turns towards the door.)

CHANDLER:(Grabs her arm.)OK- just wait a second, what are you doing?Whatís going on?

MONICA:Whatís going on?Chandler, do you realize I almost just kissed you?I mean you. . . Chandler!

CHANDLER:Well now that weíve established my name, Iíd also like to mention itís not like we havenít done it before.I mean what do you think we were just doing right now?!

MONICA:I know- I know.Thatís what makes it even weirder!(Puts her head in her hands and then begins to pace.)

CHANDLER:Mon . . . would you- like a tranquilizer or something?

MONICA:(Looks back up at Chandler.)You know what, Iím gonna go.

CHANDLER:Wh- why?

MONICA:Because I have to.(Runs out of the apartment.)

CHANDLER:(Stares at the door, in shock and disbelief.)And thatís Iíve been waiting for all summer?!

OPENING CREDITS

SCENE C:

(Itís Rossís bedroom.Ross and Rachel are sleeping, both facing the right.Rossís eyes open.He smiles at Rachel and then pokes her.)

ROSS:Rach?

RACHEL:Mmmm?

ROSS:Itís morning.

RACHEL:(Eyes open.She takes one look at Ross and says:) Oh.

ROSS:I know.

RACHEL:Oh, this is just so. . . (sees past Ross and her eyes open wide.)

ROSS:What?(Turns to his left.)

CHANDLER+PHOEBE+JOEY+MONICA:(All standing at Rossís doorway.)

JOEY:†† Ross, move!Youíre blocking the view!

RACHEL:(To Ross.)Do people always have to stare at us the morning after we sleep together?

CHANDLER:Oh so youíve. . . had audiences before?

PHOEBE:(Smacks Chandlerís hand.)

MONICA:(Happy.)So the fightís over?

ROSS:(Raising the blanket to his neck.) Yeah.

MONICA:Thatís so great!Phoebe, isnít this great?

PHOEBE:Yay!Iíd hop but (points to her stomach) you know.

JOEY:Aww, now thatís not fair.None of my girlfriends would forgive me if I slept with another woman.

PHOEBE:(Smacks Joeyís hand.)

CHANDLER:Like youíd care.

SCENE D:

(Itís the girlís apartment.Ross and Rachel are on the chair that sits in front of the window watching TV.Joey and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.Monica and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table, eating a late breakfast . . . errr- pancakes will do.)

CHANDLER:Could you pass the syrup?

MONICA:(Deliberately keeping her eyes off Chandler.She reaches for the syrup thatís across from Chandler on the far right side of the table and passes it to Chandler.)

CHANDLER:(Gives Monica a strange look.)So Mon, how was your day?

MONICA:(Playing with her food.)Itís only eleven oíclock, the day hasnít really started yet.

CHANDLER:Well then . . . how was yesterday?

MONICA:(Getting up.)Has anybody seen my .. . (desperately trying to come up with something). . . pencil?!

JOEY:(Turning to Monica.)Oh I think I saw it.Was it like yellowish with a silver thing near the top and a pink eraser?

ROSS:(Sarcastic.)Wow, Joey knows what a pencil looks like.

JOEY:Hey, for your information there happen to be a lot of different kinds of pencils out there.Iíve seen Phoebeís collection.

ROSS:Phoebeís what?

PHOEBE:Oh right- I collect pencils.I have at least two hundred different ones.

ROSS:(Stares at Phoebe strangely.)

PHOEBE:(Looks at Ross.)Oh what.And collecting dinosaur coloring books isnít odd?!

ROSS:(Defensive.) Hey I donít do that . . . (timid) anymore.

RACHEL: Aw, I always thought it was sweet.

PHOEBE:No you didnít.

RACHEL:Phoebe, why donít you just pipe down and get back to your little destroying Tiffany quest.

PHOEBE:Oh yeah!(Turning around to face Chandler.)We must destroy Tiffany!

CHANDLER:Thatís great Phoebs but why are you telling me?

PHOEBE:Just because sheís um- going to stop by your office around one later today. Sound good?Well all-righty.Monica, do you have any sour green apples and mustard?

CHANDLER:Whoa, whoa, wait.Why is she coming by my office?

MONICA:And I am not giving you anything that weird.There will be no weird food in my apartment.

RACHEL:Mon letís not forget . . . you let the flan in.

ROSS:And Joey once brought in that giant sub with applesauce and you never complained.

MONICA:You know, now that you guys are back together youíre beginning to sound a lot alike.

CHANDLER:Phoebe, why?

PHOEBE:Well. . . Joey and I figured that your office would be the perfect place to um- seduce her.

CHANDLER:Itís an office!Itís work!A serious place!An office isnít a place of sex!

ROSS:Chandler, you hate your work.What would you care?

RACHEL:Yeah and remember Joanna?

CHANDLER+MONICA:(In unison.) Shut up!

ROSS:Iím sensing a lot of hostility here.

RACHEL:Donít you guys know youíll never solve any of your own problems by attacking us?

MONICA:(Nervous.)What problems?We have no problems- thereís nothing going on between us.(Laughs nervously.)Not as if there was anything between us cause um . . . you know.

PHOEBE:Have you been drinking from that green bottle in my purse?

JOEY:OK.Thatís it!Iíve had just about enough of this!(Gets up angrily.)

RACHEL:What?

MONICA:Joey honey, whatís the matter?

JOEY:Uh hello?Youíre ignoring me.All of you!I donít even feel like Iím a part of this group anymore!

ROSS:When did this come up?

JOEY:Oh itís so obvious.The only one who even acknowledges my existence anymore is Phoebe!Sheís the only one who ever appreciates me . . . who- who nurtures me.

PHOEBE:(In appalled disbelief.)What Joey that is so, so (clears her throat) err true.

CHANDLER:Um Jo, Iíd really really like to help but there is no way I am nurturing you.

PHOEBE:And that is why Joey is so screwed up!

JOEY:See!That is why- (realizes and says defensively) hey!

SCENE E:

(Itís Chandlerís office and heís at his desk.A buzz comes from the machine at his desk.)

CHANDLER:(Pressing a button.)Please not again.

HELENíS VOICE:Afraid so.

CHANDLER:OK Helen, you can scream whatever profanity you want into the receiver.

HELEN:(Pause.)Would I get paid extra?

CHANDLER:Just get rid off her.

HELEN:Iím afraid that Miss Buffay is quite insistent.

CHANDLER:Just put her on the line.(Picks up the phone.Pause as heís waiting for Phoebe to connect.)

(Cut to Phoebe in the guyís apartment.)

PHOEBE:Oooo, did Bill Gates find the time to take his friendís call?

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER:There is no way you are getting in here, OK?Iíve informed security.

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE:Oh would you stop being such a wienie?!

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER:(Sarcastic.)Now thatís persuasive.

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE:Oh come on!Iíd do it for you!

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER:No, OK?Why donít you just go to the museum or something?

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE:As if old bones and a paleontologist are going to help the seduction mood.

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER:Oh and computers and me do?

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE:Hmmm. . . that is a good point.

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER:See?Now leave me alone!

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE:No!I donít have to and I wonít!Mark my words Joey will meet Tiffany in your office!I donít care if it takes me a million years to make it happen!

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER:Well I donít necessarily have to take your calls.

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE:I can call you at home you know.Iím in your home right now.

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER:I could . . . change my number and the- the lock!

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE:Joey would just give me the new number and a new key.

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER:I could move!

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE:And Iíd be right over.

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER:(Hangs up in frustration.)

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE:OK he may have won the battle but heíll lose the war!

CHICK+DUCK:(Come up from behind.)(Clucking)/(Honking)

PHOEBE:And if heís even thinking of moving Iím keeping the birds!

SCENE F:

(Itís some club.Ross and Rachel are slow dancing very closely.The Policeís ďEvery Breath You TakeĒ is playing.Monica and Joey are at the bar, watching them.)

RACHEL:(Head on Rossís shoulder.)So are we going to the movies later?

ROSS:What do you want to see?

RACHEL:(Moving her head from his shoulder to stare into his eyes.)Anything as long as Iím with you.

ROSS:(Leans in and kisses Rachel softly.)

MONICA:Awww.Arenít they cute?

JOEY:How come youíre not mad at them anymore?

MONICA:Joey, who could be mad at them?

JOEY:Mmm-hmm, cute whatever.Wanna dance?

MONICA:I donít really feel like it.

JOEY:Well then Iím bored.There are no free girls here.Everybodyís with somebody else.When is Phoebe gonna get here for the whole Tiffany thing?

MONICA:Sheís probably still bothering Chandler because he had to work late.Why donít you just ask that girl over there to dance?(Points to her left.)

JOEY:Because thatís a man.

MONICA:Well then heís in a dress.

JOEY:What?Ru Paul does it.

MONICA:Joey, Iím sorry but that is so not a guy.

JOEY:Iím telling you he is.

MONICA:(Teasing.)Well how would you know?

JOEY:(Sarcastic.)Ha-ha.Iím going to call Phoebe.(Turns to walk away but then turns back.)You got any change?

MONICA:Why donít you just look around the floor?

JOEY:Iím not going to do that!Thatís degrading!(Sees a beautiful blonde walk by on a manís arm.)Can I at least steal one of the girls from those other guys?

MONICA:(In a warning tone.)Joey . . .

JOEY:Then how come itís OK for me to steal Tiffany?

MONICA:Because Frank belongs with Alice.

JOEY:(Admits.)Yeah OK.(Brightens.)I think I saw a quarter in the bathroom.(Turns and walks towards the left where I suppose the bathroom will be in my imaginary little club.)

MONICA:(Watches Ross and Rachel again.)

CHANDLER:(Comes up from behind.)Hey!

MONICA:(Jumps up, surprised.)Oh Chandler!I thought you were working late.

CHANDLER:Yeah well I left early to put out a restraining order on Phoebe.Howís the happy couple?(Pointing to Ross and Rachel.)

MONICA:Theyíre adorable.Itís like everything is like it used to be.

CHANDLER:Well not everything.

MONICA:(Stares at Chandler, slightly surprised.)No I suppose not.

CHANDLER:(Clears his throat.)So do you want to dance?

MONICA:(Nervous.)I. . . um. . .

JOEY:(Coming from the left.)I found a dime and some drug dealerís card.

CHANDLER:What are you doing with the drug dealerís card?

JOEY:(Shrugs.)I just didnít want to come out of the bathroom feeling empty-handed.

MONICA:Works for me, Joey, do you want to dance?

JOEY:But I thought you didnít-

MONICA:(Cutting Joey off.)Good.(Grabs Joey and runs away from Chandler.)

CHANDLER:(Stares after them strangely.)

PHOEBE:(Comes up from behind Chandler.)Hi!

CHANDLER:(Jumps up, surprised and then scares.)No!

PHOEBE:Yes!

CHANDLER:Oh no no no!(Runs towards the door.)

PHOEBE:Oh yes yes yes!(Quickly follows.)

SCENE G:

(Itís the girlís apartment.Ross and Rachel are lying on the couch, half asleep.)

CHANDLER:(Enters.)Is Phoebe here?

ROSS:(Sleepily.)No.What are you doing here at three in the morning?

CHANDLER:Iíve been all around the city escaping from the relentless pregnant phenomenon who, for some reason, can outrun me.It was unbelievable I had to hide like fifteen times!Once behind a fire hydrant.

VOICE FROM BEHIND:Itís probably because she has the three kids in her stomach.

CHANDLER:(Jumps up, surprised.)Why does that keep happening today?

RACHEL:(Sleepily.)What did you say, Jo?

JOEY:(Who was the voice form behind, continues.)I said the reason Phoebe can outrun Chandler is because sheís pregnant with triplets, right?So itís like there are four people chasing him instead of one.

CHANDLER:Before I tell you whatís wrong with that statement. . . why are you here?

JOEY:Iím getting something to eat, what does it look like?(Walks over to the refrigerator.)

RACHEL:(Sits up a bit.)Huh.Do you always come over here in the middle of the night for snacks?

JOEY: Not snacks.Banquets.Do you guys have any T-Bone steaks?

RACHEL:Wait a second. . .wait a second.Were you the one who ate our grapes?

JOEY:What?

RACHEL:Ross and I, we happen to keep some red grapes in the corner of the fridge.Did you eat them?

ROSS:(Glares at Joey.)

CHANDLER:A little more than I wanted to know.

JOEY:When?

ROSS:Just whenever (angry) did you eat our grapes?

JOEY:I. . .um. . .

RACHEL:(Expectant.)Well?

JOEY:Later!(Darts for the door.)

CHANDLER:Wait a second. . .is Phoebe at our place?

JOEY:Yeah.Bye!(Reaches for the door.)

CHANDLER:(Grabs Joeyís arm.)Is there any way you can get her out of there?

JOEY:Nope.(Reaches for the door again.)

CHANDLER:(Yanks Joey.)Couldnít you at least try?

JOEY:(Looking past Chandler at the glaring R&R.)Look if I try sheíll suspect that youíre here.Phoebe is very smart with that whole guessing whatís going on thing.Plus, if I donít get out of here now, there will be no me.No Joey!I mean, how would the world survive, huh?

CHANDLER:Fine go, go.

JOEY:Great!Later!(Darts out of the apartment.)

CHANDLER:Uggh.Looks like Iím staying here tonight.Iím going to go ask Monica for some blankets and pillows and stuff.(Walks over to Monicaís door.)

RACHEL:Wait, no, Chandler, you canít go in there!

CHANDLER:What?Joeyís the one who sleeps naked.

RACHEL:But-

CHANDLER:Look Mon wonít care if itís the middle of the night.OK?Sheíll be cool with it, I promise.

RACHEL:But sheís not alone in there.

CHANDLER:(Surprised, turns to face Ross and Rachel.)Sheís not?

ROSS:No.She ran into an old friend of hers and brought him home.

CHANDLER:(Shocked and hurt.)She- she what?

ROSS:I think maybe she had a little too much to drink.I would have stopped her but Rachel and I were at the movies.

CHANDLER:So he- heís in there right now?

RACHEL:Yeah.His nameís Devon something.We met him a few hours ago when he went out for a glass of water.

CHANDLER:(Bitter.)Oh so his nameís Devon something?Devon.What the hell kinda name is that?!

ROSS:Isnít that one of your cousinsí name?

CHANDLER:I donít get it I mean how could she sleep with some guy that she met a club?

RACHEL:Heís an old friend.

CHANDLER:But itís been a long time!

ROSS:Why are you so upset about this?

CHANDLER:I am not upset!Iím just concerned for my friend, thatís all!Thatís all it is!Just being concerned!What like youíve never been worried for me when I went home with someone that I found at some club?

ROSS:Well itís not like weíve had the opportunity. . .

CHANDLER:So uh- what does he look like?

RACHEL:Why, you want to ask him out?

CHANDLER:Just tell me.

RACHEL:He was good-looking.

CHANDLER:Dammit!

ROSS:Shhh- youíll wake them.

CHANDLER:(Relieved.)Theyíre not awake.

RACHEL:Well not anymore.But you shouldíve heard them before-

CHANDLER:Oh would you give it a rest already!

SCENE H:

(Itís the girlsí apartment.Ross and Rachel are cooking breakfast.)

ROSS:Are the waffles done yet?

RACHEL:No, any luck on the maple syrup?

ROSS:None.Think that Joey and Chandler have any?

RACHEL:What are you kidding?

ROSS:Oh, I just realized.

RACHEL:Well what about jam?

ROSS:(Peeking into he fridge.)Nope- Joey must have been here.

RACHEL:Itís OK.We can just put some strawberries on them.

ROSS:Oh but we already used those to replace the grapes.

RACHEL:Damn that Joey!

ROSS:(Goes over to Rachel and puts his arms around her.)Itís OK.(Puts his hand on her cheek.)Iíll run out and get us some.

RACHEL:(Kisses Ross very softly on the mouth.)No I will.

ROSS:(Kissing Rachelís forehead.)I wouldnít let you.

CHANDLER:(From the couch.)OK if you guys promise to stop doing that Iíll go get them.

SCENE I:

(Itís the guyís apartment.Joeyís sitting in his chair watching TV.)

PHOEBE:(Coming out of Joeyís room wearing a curly brown afro wig.)OK, letís go!

JOEY:(Jumps out his chair.)What the hell are you?!

PHOEBE:OK maybe we havenít been spending enough time together.

JOEY:Phoebe?

PHOEBE:Uh-huh.

JOEY:Why is there a dog on your head?

PHOEBE:Itís not a dog Joey itís a wig!Itís going to help us get past security at Chandlerís work.

JOEY:How?

PHOEBE:Well Chandler told them to be on the lookout for a pregnant blonde woman, right?

JOEY:(Nods.)

PHOEBE:Well itís a disguise.

JOEY:(Wrinkling his forehead.)Well I hate to break it to you Phoebe but I donít think thatís going to cut it.

PHOEBE:No?

JOEY:Itís obviously a wig.

PHOEBE:Hmmm.I really didnít put enough effort then.Donít worry.Iím an expert at disguise I just havenít been using my talents.

JOEY:Why not?

PHOEBE:Because I donít think itís fair to the other super heroes.

SCENE J:

(Itís outside Chandlerís office building.Thereís a security guard hanging out around the door.Phoebe and Joey approach.Phoebeís wearing a long loose black dress.On her head is a curly red wig and her eyes are smothered with blue eyeshadow.Joeyís wearing a purple and blue striped suit and his hair is black.Heís also equipped with Elvis-wannabe sunglasses.)

SECURITY GUARD:(Stares at them strangely.)

PHOEBE:(In a southern accent.)Well I suppose weíll be going in now.†† To like um- you know . . . meet our client.

JOEY:(Nods.)

JOEY+PHOEBE:(Attempt to enter.)

SECURITY GUARD:Um excuse me?

PHOEBE:Yes?

SECURITY GUARD:Could I please have your names?

PHOEBE:Why?

SECURITY GUARD:Well. . .not to be rude but you do seem to be a little. . .

PHOEBE:A little what?

SECURITY GUARD:Suspicious.

PHOEBE:How so?

SECURITY GUARD:Well itís just-

JOEY:(Cutting the security guard off he speaks in a very deep voice like he did when he called Mrs. Buffay in THE ONE WITH PHOEBEíS DAD.)Well now. . . see here Mr., my girlfriend and I, weíre just trying to go about our business.

SECURITY GUARD:Now thatís all good and well Sir but could I please have your girlfriendís name?

PHOEBE:Itís Filangi. . . Regina Filangi.

SECURITY GUARD:(Points to Joey.)And him?

JOEY:Uh. . . Holden McGroin.

SECURITY GUARD:Would you happen to know a Ms. Buffi (he pronounces it so that it sounds like ďGoofyĒ) or a Mr. Tribbiano?

PHOEBE a.k.a. Regina Filangi:Sir, I can honestly say that we have never met a Ms. Buffi or a Mr. Tribbiano.

JOEY a.k.a. Holden McGroin:But I think he meant-

PHOEBE a.k.a. Regina Filangi:Silence Holden!(To Security Guard.)Poor dear talks too much.

SCENE J:

(Itís Chandlerís office.We hear a buzz.)

CHANDLER:(Presses a button.)Yes Helen?

HELEN:A Mr. And Miss. Geller are here.They claim to be your friends.

CHANDLER:Well you can send in Ross but Iím not so sure about the other one.

HELEN:They say they have to talk to you about that Phoebe girl that called about a million times yesterday.

CHANDLER:Well then theyíre both welcome . . .I guess.

PHOEBE+JOEY: (Enter and close the door behind them.)

CHANDLER:No!Helen, help me!

PHOEBE:Oh would you just stop being such a baby!

CHANDLER:Helen!Thereís a pregnant hooker in here with her pimp!

PHOEBE:Amusing but Tiffany will be over here any minute now.

CHANDLER:Howíd you get her to come over here?

PHOEBE:We told her that we might want to hire her for our salon?

CHANDLER:What salon?

PHOEBE:Reginaís salon- would you please keep up?

(We hear a buzz.)

CHANDLER:(Goes over to his desk and presses a button.)Is Tiffany there?

HELEN:(Dryly.)Howíd you guess?

CHANDLER:Just send her in.

TIFFANY:(Steps in.Sheís played by Sarah Michelle Geller.)

JOEY+CHANDLER:(Mouths drop open.)

TIFFANY:(To Phoebe.) Ms. Filangi?

PHOEBE:That would be me.Iíd like you to meet my associate Mr. Joseph Tribbiani. (Stares at Joey whose jaw is still on the floor.)Stop it, youíre scaring her.

SCENE K:

(Itís Central Perk.Ross and Rachel and on the right corner of the couch.Phoebeís in the middle and Chandlerís on the left.Rachel on the right chair and Joeyís on the left.)

ROSS:So we called the supermarket and from now on weíre having the grapes delivered every Friday.

MONICA:OK, does everyone have to know that?

PHOEBE:I actually found it interesting.Do you think they could start delivering my fruit loops?

CHANDLER:Lucky you, theyíre already in your head.

PHOEBE:Hey for your information my fruit loops head came up with the plan that ultimately got Frank and Alice back together.

JOEY:Yes and- (Goes over to Phoebe and hugs her tightly)- I love you for it.

PHOEBE:Um- Joey thatís great but I think youíre going to squeeze the babies out of me if you continue to do that.

JOEY:(Letís go.)Oops, sorry.

MONICA:So youíre certain that Tiffany will stay away from Frank?

PHOEBE:Excuse me, did you not hear that she has the opportunity to go out with Joey?Now I taught him well.

JOEY:Speaking of which, well taught Joey is meeting Tiffany right now.She asked for you to join us.

PHOEBE:No, I donít really feel like getting dressed up right now.Sorry.

ROSS:Joey, how much longer do you estimate youíll be dressing like a loan shark?

JOEY:If a hot 22-year old girl likes it- forever.

RACHEL:Well when is the black dye going to wash out?

JOEY:Whenever I want it to.Itís spray.I was thinking about maybe putting a little bit of gel on it, you know?

CHANDLER:Now Ross can help you out with that.

ROSS:Actually. . . I could.Joey, which brand name would you prefer?

JOEY:I donít know but I just want to get myself a look going on.

CHANDLER:Yes and the look just screams polyester.

JOEY:Hey do you ever hear me complain about your sweater vests?

CHANDLER:Whatís wrong with them?

PHOEBE:Nothing except that you seem to have a collection.

CHANDLER:Oh and I suppose wearing pencils would really update my wardrobe?

PHOEBE:Couldnít hurt.

ROSS:(Stands up.)Hey, we need to get going.The video rental place closes at nine.

RACHEL:Oh OK.(Gets up.)

JOEY:Yeah Iíve got to get going to.

JOEY+ROSS+RACHEL:(Exit.)

PHOEBE:(Gets up.)The loo calls.(Begins to walk to the bathroom.)

MONICA:(Staring after her.)What did she just say?

CHANDLER:That sheís going to go meet some Lou guy.

MONICA:(Stands up.)Iím going to head off.

CHANDLER: Meeting Devon?

MONICA:(Freezes.She turns to Chandler and walks back to the couch before sitting down again.)So you heard about him?

CHANDLER:I spent the night last night to get away from Phoebe.

MONICA:Oh. . . are you mad?

CHANDLER:Oh, am I mad that you came to your senses- of course not.

MONICA:You know I never meant it to come off like that.

CHANDLER:I know.Youíre smart Monica.I canít blame you for figuring out that dating me would not be a good idea.

MONICA:Chandler. . .

CHANDLER:Yeah I know.So. . .do you like this Devon guy a lot?

MONICA:No.Actually I consider him a drunken mistake.

CHANDLER:Oh yeah- whyís that?

MONICA:Because heís the most arrogant prick Iíve ever met.He spent most of this morning hitting on Rachel and Ross spent most of this morning wanting to kill him.

CHANDLER:Oh.Well I know that feeling.

PHOEBE:(Comes back.)Do you think I should order apple or peach pie?

MONICA:I prefer apple myself.

CHANDLER:So how was Lou?

PHOEBE:Kind of dirty.I figured I could wait until I got home.

CHANDLER:Why, whoís at home?

PHOEBE:Oh ew!(Gets up.)Iím leaving!(Exits.)

CHANDLER:(To Monica.)What did I say?

SCENE L:

(Itís the girlsí apartment.Nobodyís around.Phoebe and Joey enter.)

JOEY:So where do you think everyone is?(Takes a seat at the table.)

PHOEBE:Isnít it obvious?

JOEY:What?

PHOEBE:Well. . . notice all this cooking crap spread around?

JOEY:(Nods.)

PHOEBE:It look like Monica was making something and then ran out of ingredients so she went to pick them up.

JOEY:And Chandler?

PHOEBE:Itís like eight oíclock.Heís probably at Central Perk.

JOEY:Mmm-hmm and Ross and Rachel?

PHOEBE:(Clears her throat while pointing to a bowl of grapes sitting on the couch.)

JOEY:Oh.(Pause.) Want to join Chandler?

PHOEBE:Yeah I think so.

JOET+PHOEBE:(Make their way to the door.)