(The girlís place.Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Monicaís looking at Chandler worryingly and Chandlerís reading a magazine, downcast.Chandlerís on the left, Monica on the right.Joey is sitting at the table with a half-eaten sandwich in his hands.
MONICA:Chandler this is your third sick day.Your boss is probably going to fire you.
CHANDLER:So, how bad is it to lose a job that you hate?
MONICA:Arenít you going to at least have lunch?
JOEY:No problem, Iíll eat it!
JOEY:Now youíre talking!
JOEY:Why does he get all the attention?
MONICA:He just broke up with his girlfriend!Besides, arenít you already eating lunch?
JOEY:(Sniffs at what she said.)Lunch?Boy have you got a lot to learn.This is my appetizer.
MONICA:An appetizer for lunch that is a lunch!I mean my gosh Joey how much do you eat all day?Whatís up with that?
JOEY:Hey, I eat only what I need!Now whatís up with you neglecting the rest of the meal?Letís get this party moving people.
MONICA:Why donít you just grab some girl at Central Perk and head over to Sizzler?
(Chandler looks amused.)
JOEY:Thatís a great idea Monica!If I didnít know any better, Iíd think you were an lesbian!
MONICA:All right, thatís it!You are out of here! (She gets up and begins to walk over to Joey.)
JOEY:(Gets up and backs up towards the door with his half eaten sandwich in his right hand.)I was just saying how smart you are. What gives?
JOEY:Donít have to tell me twice.I know when Iím not wanted.(He exits.)
MONICA:(Turns to face Chandler.)Now I know heís your best friend and everything, but donít you sometimes just want to-
(A knock on the door cuts Monica off.She walks over to the door and yanks it open)
JOEY:(Sheepishly.)Can I borrow a twenty?
MONICA:Out!(Slams the door.)
ROSS:(Exits the bathroom.)What was that all about?
MONICA:(Sighs.)My last nerve.(Looks at Chandler and narrows her eyes.)Which is going to blow if you donít eat something!
(Ross goes into the refrigerator and grabs a yogurt, a spoon from the drawer, and proceeds to eat the yogurt.)
CHANDLER:Hey if it makes you feel any better Iíll switch to the food channel, OK?
(Rachel enters as Monicaís saying this.)
MONICA:(Ultrasonic.)My last nerve!My temper! Between the missing fork from my silverware, and Joey being-well Joey, and Chandlerís fasting, and . . .(notices Ross)Ross not eating over the sink!(To Ross.)Oh my gosh, what is wrong with you?
RACHEL:Oh, I had a great day to!Joshua came over and I managed to delay him for two hours and I got him to come back later today. Can you believe that?He is all mine! Oh and he looks so good in everything I put on him.I have never seen a man look so good in a brown leather jacket and a pair of black slacks in my life.(She squeals with delight.)
CHANDLER:See I told you guys you shouldnít let her watch so much crappy teen shows.Theyíve gone to her brain.
RACHEL:Ha-ha.Very funny.Now if youíll excuse me I need to go figure out my outfit for five-thirty.
ROSS:Rach itís only 3 in the afternoon.
RACHEL:OK, people.Did you not hear me?This is Joshua weíre talking about.Time is of the essence!
ROSS:(Mimicking Rachel.)"Time is of the essence!" ( He sets the yogurt and spoon next to Monicaís sink and angrily exits the apartment.)
(Central Perk.Joey enters.Naturally we presume heís searching for a date to Sizzler.He glances around and then sees Phoebe sitting at the counter.He walks over to her.)
PHOEBE:Oh yay!Joey!Want some?(Holds out a plastic baggie with two pickles in it and a jar of peanut butter.)
JOEY:(Makes a face.)I think Iíll pass.Why are you eating that?
PHOEBE:I donít know- pregnancy cravings.
JOEY:Really you get them this soon?
PHOEBE:I donít know.Just being prepared.( She grabs her half-eaten pickle thatís lying on a napkin on the counter and dips it into the peanut butter.She bites itand grimaces.) Do you think Iíll get sick?
JOEY:I donít know about you but I already am.(Holds his stomach.)Could you stop doing that now?
PHOEBE:Iím sorry, Iím sorry.(Sets the pickle back on the napkin and closes the peanut butter jar while saying . . .)So where are the guys?
JOEY:Rachelís at work but maybe sheís back now.Ross, Chandler, and Monica are hanging out at your place and Iím hearing looking for a date and twenty bucks.
PHOEBE:A date and twenty bucks?
JOEY:Yeah.Sizzler.(Rubs his hands together.) Have you happened to see any twenties on the ground anywhere?
PHOEBE:Well what kind of an idiot leaves a twenty-dollar bill lying on the floor?
PHOEBE:Iím sorry.Havenít seen any.
JOEY:Well have you seen any hot chicks anywhere?
PHOEBE:(Points toward the bathroom.)The girl at the table by the bathroomís really pretty.
JOEY:Yeah, but I canít take her anywhere.Have you got any money on you?
PHOEBE:What are you kidding?
JOEY:OK.Have you seen any hot chicks that are rich looking? I might as well hit two birds with one stone.
PHOEBE:You donít have to be rich to have twenty bucks.
JOEY:Well then how come you donít have it?
PHOEBE:I spent it.
JOEY:On what? PHOEBE:A jar of pickles, two lemons, cookie dough ice cream, a jar of peanut butter, and macaroni and cheese.
JOEY:So you're going to just eat macaroni this week?
PHOEBE:No Iíll just combine the food in different ways.You know, adapting my stomach for whatís to come.
JOEY:You have a really twisted logic.
PHOEBE:Well you donít know anything about women.
JOEY:No thatís Chandler.
PHOEBE:Really, itís you.
JOEY:(Defensive.)Hey, I do just fine with women.(Boastful.) Actually, I do better than fine.
PHOEBE:Thatís only because youíre good looking! If you didnít have that you wouldnít be getting anywhere with them. You really arenít taking advantage of the situation.Come on.(Gets up.)
JOEY:What are we doing?
PHOEBE:(Determined.)Iím going to show you how to milk it for all its worth!
(Rossís apartment- his old one from Season 4.Heís on the phone.)
ROSS:Now tell me truth, would I or would I not look good in a brown jacket and black pants?
(Cut to Carol.Sheís on the phone at her and Susanís apartment. Sheís busy tickling Ben whoís laughing really hard.Sheís using her shoulder and chin to support the phone.)
CAROL:Of course you would look good Ross.
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:Hey you know a brown jacket and black pants arenít hard to find.Itís not like their so unusual or anything!Iíve probably worn that before and Rachelís all 'Joshua this,' and 'Joshua that!' 'Iíve never seen any guy look better in that than Joshua did!' Donít you think I am like the love of her life, you know?
(Cut to Carol.)
CAROL:Ross youíve been so good lately.Youíve gotten over Rachel.You havenít called me about her in what . . . 3 months? What would make you want to start again?
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:You know what?Tomorrow I am going to wear my black pants and my brown jacket- of course I donít have a brown jacket anymore.I gave it to the
Salvation Army.Damn, Iím going to buy a new one.Right now.Maybe Iíll even go to Bloomingdaleís for it. Rachelís not there right now.Iíll just do some
investigation and find out what type of jacket she tried to see the guy!
(Cut to Carol.)
CAROL:Now Ross, isnít that just a bit-
(Cut to Ross.)
(Cut to Carol.)
CAROL:I was going to say obsessive, scary, frightening- take your pick.
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:Oh yeah, well weíll see tomorrow when Iíll be showing off my new brown jacket and Rachel will be forgetting all about that Joshua guy.
(Cut to Carol.)
CAROL:(Smiling mischievously.)Joshua, Joshua.That is a great name, isnít it?
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:Bye Carol.(He hangs up.)
(Cut to Carol.Susan enters their apartment.)
BEN:Hi Susan!(He sits up to watch some TV.Just imagine Blueís Clues or something- I donít know.)
SUSAN:(To Ben.)Hey honey.(To Susan.)What a day I had.(She sets her keys on the counter.)
CAROL:Your telling me. Ross called.
SUSAN:Itís been a while.What did Rachel do now?
CAROL:She has a crush on some guy named Joshua.
SUSAN:There goes our phone bill.
CAROL:Donít worry.It was short this time.
SUSAN:Only three hours?
CAROL:A surprising two hours!
SUSAN:Ah, an improvement!
(Itís the girlís apartment, Monicaís living room.Monicaís in the kitchen doing the dishes.Chandler is looking through Monicaís movies in the cabinet in which the her TV sits on top of.)
CHANDLER:Monica, do you have any movies that donít have Meg Ryan in it?
MONICA:Of course I do.
CHANDLER:Iím not interested in Hugh Grant either.
MONICA:Well Iím sorry!I didnít plan ahead with Austin Powers.
CHANDLER:For that one Joey could kill you.
MONICA:Look just pick one.Itís either that or the documentary on dung beetles that Ross taped yesterday.(Sheís finished the dishes and goes over to sit on the couch.)
CHANDLER: Itís bad enough that Iím not a woman.Now youíre asking me enjoy a Meg Ryan movie after my girlfriend cheated on me. MONICA:Itís more enjoyable than a dung beetle.
CHANDLER:Point well taken.(Pops a video into the VCR and joins Monica on the couch.Sheís on the right, heís on the left.)
(Monicaís oven timer rings.She gets up and goes over to it.)
MONICA:(As she opens the microwave and lifts a small tray out:)No, mini-chocolate chip cookies.(Comes back over to Chandler with the tray.)Your favorite.
CHANDLER:Thatís so great thanks.
MONICA:So youíll eat?
CHANDLER:Eh, maybe tomorrow.
MONICA:(Hits a pillow against his head.)
(Itís Central Perk.Joeyís at the table thatís closest to left side of the entrance.Heís sharing it with some pretty girl and sheís sitting on the right and heís on the left.)
JOEY:And then they just fired me!I worked like a dog for that role and there it went, it just uh- (From behind Phoebe is sitting at another table.She holds up a napkin that reads:it was gone, as if it had never been.)
JOEY:It was gone, as if it had never been.(He says this with false emotion and then lays his head in his arms.)
GIRL:(Deeply moved.)Joey, honey its all right.
JOEY:And I was planning to take Melanie out today with the money I would have gotten.Someplace real nice.And I knew she was disappointed in me, but to- to (Phoebe holds up another napkin.)
JOEY:To sleep with another guy!Behind my back!
GIRL:Oh, Joey honey.You deserve so much better than her, now you know that.
JOEY:(Reading.)Maybe not, you know?Maybe I did something terrible to deserve all this.
GIRL:Hey look.Do you want to go get some early dinner? Iíll pay, wherever you want to go.Itís my treat.
JOEY:Really, youíd uh- do that for me?I mean you donít even know me.
GIRL:I think itíll be worth it.(Takes Joeyís hand and smiles warmly.)
PHOEBE: (Turns to the counter.)Gunther, more napkins please!
GUNTHER:We ran out.Could we have some of the old ones back? None of the waitresses want to go to the store to pick some up.
PHOEBE: Youíre the boss, why donít you tell them what to do?
GUNTHER:Well, because I treated Rachel so nicely they are threatening to sue me for not receiving the same Ė kind manner.
PHOEBE:Oh no.(Turns to Joey and writes on her hand an lifts it up for him to see.)
JOEY:(To girl.)(Heís frowning as heís reading this.) Go, there are no more napkins.
JOEY:Um, letís go now.
GIRL:I need to got to the bathroom but Iíll be right out. (She goes to the bathroom.)
JOEY:(Goes over to Phoebe and hugs her.)Phoebs, youíre a genius!I mean I canít believe this.A hot girl and a plate at Sizzler, for free!All thanks to you and Ėuh
(Notices the stacks of napkins by Phoebeís side,) twenty trees!
PHOEBE:Ok, first thank you.Two, Iím good arenít I?Three, you canít ask her to take you to Sizzler, thatíll blow your cover.Four, Iím taking these home to
recycle.And five, Iím good arenít I!
PHOEBE:Now donít make me say it again!
JOEY:No, no, no.What did you mean by she canít take me to Sizzler.
PHOEBE:I made you out to be this, you know- like really deep guy!And eating at Sizzler isnít what deep guys do.No what you do is take a stroll with her and when you see a hot dog cart you say, ďI canít make you spend that much money on me.Could I just get a hot dog instead?Ē
JOEY:Just a hot dog?
PHOEBE:Ok, which do you prefer, food or sex?
JOEY:Phoebe, how is that going to get me sex?
PHOEBE:Sheíll think youíre sweet and considerate and sheíll be all, 'No.Youíve had a bad day, let me get you something to eat.' And youíll be all, 'Hanging out here and walking with you is better than ten four-star restaurants.'
JOEY:Hey, thatís pretty good.
PHOEBE:Like I said, Iím good arenít I?
(Itís the Bloomingdaleísí personal shopping department room.Rachel is waiting impatiently by the door, gazing at her watch and tapping her fingers against the upper-right corner of the desk.)
RACHEL: Where is he?(She moves over to the mirror and begins to unbuttons two buttons of her blouse.) (Thoughtfully see says: )Hmm.
(The door opens and Joshua enters.)
JOSHUA: Hey Rachel.
RACHEL: (Turns around quickly.)Hey Joshua, oh I almost forgot you were coming!
JOSHUA:Hey, do you still have my clothes?
RACHEL:Yeah!(She pulls out the three jackets that were lying on the armchair.)And I hope you donít mind but I kinda took the liberty of finding some more things for you to try on!(She points to about five suits, six jackets, and three pairs of pants hanging on a rack in the left corner of the room.) JOSHUA:Wow.You know thatís uh- thatís great but I decided on just one jacket for today and I like the black one. RACHEL:Black, yes, yes black . . . excellent choice.(She holds it up and hands it to Joshua.)So is this for that party you mentioned?
JOSHUA:(Taking the jacket.)Yeah, my ex-wife is going to be there.Thatís why I want to look really good.
RACHEL:(Her eyes light up.)Ex?Oh now I can tell you how to look good for your ex!I mean look at this suit. (Grabs a finely cut Italian gray suit from the rack.)
This suit would look fabulous on you and trust me, there is nothing that attracts a woman better than gray!
JOSHUA:(Examining the suit.) Really?
RACHEL:Gray, itís distinguished, itís elegant, itís powerful, and-and (mutters) your butt would look great in it.
RACHEL:So what do you say to it?
JOSHUA:(Thoughtful.)It is a really nice suit.
RACHEL:Why donít you go try it on?If that one doesnít do it for you weíll try another one.Or another! I can have every suit in the store lined up just for you. JOSHUA:Wow, you really like to strike a sale.
RACHEL:Well you know thatís me-striving for excellence!(She tosses her hair provocatively.)
JOSHUA:Does-does your hair bother you?
JOSHUA:Itís just uh- because I noticed youíre always flipping your hair- does it bother you?
RACHEL:No, no, not at all actually.
JOSHUA:Itís just that I could get you a discount because my sisters own a high quality salon.
RACHEL:No, I really donít need it.
JOSHUA:Just as a thank you for helping me pick out these great clothes, I-
RACHEL:(Cutting Joshua off.)Well I really donít think-
JOSHUA: (Cutting Rachel off.)Tell me something, have you ever thought about some kind of a layered cut?Youíd look really good in it.
(The girlís apartment; the living room.Chandler and Monica are just finishing the movie.Chandler shuts the turns the TV off. Monica has a tissue in her hand and is sniffing.)
CHANDLER:Can I ask you something?
MONICA:Shoot.(She says between sniffles.)
CHANDLER:Why is it I canít spill one drop of water on the floor and you can dump the Atlantic Ocean into it?
MONICA:Just give me two minutes before I kill myself for what Iíve done.
CHANDLER:Maybe I should be heading to bed now.
MONICA:To bed, Chandler itís only six oíclock!And you havenít eaten anything!
CHANDLER:I took a bite of the cookie.
MONICA:You are going to starve.
CHANDLER:Trust me, tomorrow Iíll be eating like a pig.
MONICA:Couldnít you just eat normally?
CHANDLER:Now whatís the fun in that?
MONICA:Are you OK?
CHANDLER:Iíve been better, obviously.
MONICA:After I broke up with Richard I didnít eat for two days so I guess I understand where youíre coming from.
CHANDLER:Oh, thanks. (Thereís an awkward silence.)
MONICA:So what do you want to do now?
MONICA:Donít even joke about that.I mean at least Richard never cheated on me- (Suddenly realizes what she said and covers her mouth up with her hand.)
MONICA:Oh my gosh, Chandler I am so sorry!(She reaches over and hugs him.)
(They hug for a moment and neither lets go.Then they slowly break apart so that their faces are very close.They stare into each otherís eyes for a moment before
Chandler leans over and kisses Monica very softly on the lips. They both close their eyes and then Chandler quickly pulls back. Monicaís eyes open and it dawns on her what just happened.Sheís wearing a surprised and worried look on her face.They both turn from each other and stare down guiltily.)
CHANDLER:(Awkward and embarrassed, he stares at his hands.) Iím sorry.That was uh- pretty stupid
MONICA:Itís OK.Iím sorry for putting my foot in my mouth.
CHANDLER: Perfect, and Iím sorry for um- doing that.I better go now.
MONICA:Yeah, I guess you should.
MONICA:Bye! (Chandler gets up and walks out.
On his way to his apartment Rachel enters the hallway and says: )
RACHEL:Hey Chandler, feeling any better?
CHANDLER:(Without looking at Rachel.)Iím gonna order a pizza. (He shuts the door.)
RACHEL:(Mutters to herself while entering the girlsí apartment.) Could this day get any worse?Hey Mon.
MONICA:What, I ... I didnít do anything!
MONICA:Nothing, exactly nothing.
MONICA:OK, this, all of this- itís just- itís giving me a headache. Iíve got to go to bed.(She enters her room and shuts the door.)
RACHEL:(Calls loudly, hoping Monica could hear her.)Wait, donít you want to hear about how things with Joshua went?
PHOEBE:Hey Rach.Want some peanut butter and pickle? (Holds out the jar and the baggie.)
PHOEBE:Well how about some napkins?(Holds out a clear plastic garbage bag full of napkins.)
(Somewhere in the front of Bloomingdaleís.Iíve never been there, or New York so Iím using my imagination here.I suggest you do the same.)
ROSS:Now youíre telling me there is absolutely no way I can get access to Joshuaís store records?
CLERK:First of all, you donít even know the guyís last name. Secondly, thatís private information and itís none of your business. ROSS: Now I know the person who sold him his clothes hereís name.Itís Rachel Green.I even know her middle name, itís Karen. See?
CLERK:As impressive as that is sir, it doesnít change the situation much.
ROSS:Look she works in personal shopping. Couldnít you just poke around in your computer or something?Thereís no harm done as long as I offer a litter uh compensation.(Pats his pocket suggestively.).
CLERK:(Rolls her eyes.)I really donít think so.
ROSS:Itíll be easy!She couldnít have sold outfits to more than one Joshua.I mean letís be perfectly honest with each other.How many Joshuas do you know?