(Itís the guyís place.† Joeyís sitting the left side of the counter and Phoebeís standing on the right/in the kitchen.† Thereís a bowl with paint in it, two small bottles of paint, and a pencil sitting on the counter.)
PHOEBE:† (She says this while doing it.)† OK, now you pour in some red paint on top of the blue paint and take this pencil (hands Joey a pencil) and use it to mix the colors around and that will make purple.
JOEY:† (Uses the pencil to mix the two colors.† They form purple.) (He suddenly stares at it in amazement.)† Oh my gosh, it made purple.† Howíd it do that?
PHOEBE:† Joey, I already told you all about it.† Iíve done nothing but explain it to you the past half hour.
CHANDLER:† (Enters when Phoebeís saying that.)† Explain what?
PHOEBE:† Primary colors.
CHANDLER:† It took you half an hour to explain to him about primary colors?
PHOEBE:† Yeah, I finally ended up having to give him an interactive lesson.† You know so he can experience primary colors- but he isnít experiencing very well.† (Looks at Joey disapprovingly.)
JOEY:† (Defensive.)† Hey, Iíve experienced.† I totally get it!
CHANDLER:† (Disbelieving.)† Really?
JOEY:† (Pretending he knows.)† Oh, yeah- yeah!
PHOEBE:† OK, then.
JOEY:† (Looking up and saying quietly.)† No, no.† Howís that again?
(Itís Central Perk.† Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe, from left to right, are sitting on the couch.)
MONICA:† So we already have down Tom Cruise, Hugh Grant . . .
Who else should we use for our infamous movie?
PHOEBE:† (Suggesting.)† Mel Gibson?
RACHEL:† Not my type.
MONICA:† Me neither.
PHOEBE:† Hey, itís my movie too!
(Chandler enters with Kristen but nobody notices.)
RACHEL: OK, forget it.† Why donít we just go see a movie?
PHOEBE:† Which one?
MONICA:† All right, back to square one.
CHANDLER:† Hey guys!
MONICA/RACHEL/PHOEBE:† Cock their heads around.
RACHEL/PHOEBE:† Hi!, Hey!
MONICA:† (Sits there looking uncomfortable.)
PHOEBE:† (Gets up.)† Hey, Kristen!† (Goes to hug her.)
KRISTEN:† Hey Phoebe.
RACHEL:† Youíre Kristen?† Wow Iíve heard so much about you!† (She sticks out her hand.)
KRISTEN:† (Shakes it.)† Youíre Monica right?
RACHEL:† No, Iím Rachel.† Sheís Monica.† (Points to Monica.)
KRISTEN:† (Sticks out her hand.)† Pleased to meet you.
MONICA:† (Hoping to cover up her resentment she smiles as warmly as she can.)† Likewise.
CHANDLER:† Weíre going to go to dinner now so um, we just came to say hi.† (He eyes Monica uncomfortably.)
PHOEBE:† (To Kristen.)† Youíll give me a call later though, right?
KRISTEN:† Of course.† Bye Rachel and Monica, it was nice meeting you.
(Chandler and Kristen exit.)
PHOEBE:† (Sits back down.)
RACHEL:† Boy, she was really pretty huh?
PHOEBE:† And sheís so funny too.
RACHEL:† She seemed very nice.
MONICA:† (Makes a face while saying: )† I donít know . . .
MONICA:† Didnít she seem just a little fake?† (Mimicking Kristen.)† ďPleased to meet you.Ē
RACHEL:† I donít think she sounded fake.
PHOEBE:† Nether did I.
MONICA:† OK, well if you didnít pay enough attention to see the fakeness then I canít help you.
(Itís the hallway and Kristen and Chandler are standing right in front of the guysí apartment door.† Itís later that evening.)
KRISTEN:† So weíre on for tomorrow?
CHANDLER:† She that might not be good because I actually had plans to call the Psychic Friendsí Network with Phoebe.
KRISTEN:† (Smiles.)† Shut up.† (Leans over and kisses Chandler just as Joey opens the door.)
JOEY:† Oh sorry Chandler- Whoa!† You must be Kristen.
KRISTEN:† Youíre Joey right?
JOEY:† Right.† How you doiní?
KRISTEN:† (Looks a little surprised and amused.)
CHANDLER:† (Hits Joeyís arm.)† Really, I barely even know him.
KRISTEN:† Itís all right.† Iíll see you tomorrow then.† (She waves and walks down the hallway and down the stairs.)
JOEY:† (Gives Chandler one of those knowing dirty looks.)
CHANDLER:† Shut up!† (Walks into the apartment.)
JOEY:† (Defensive.)† I didnít say anything.† (Follows Chandler and shuts the door behind him.)
CHANDLER:† (Sits down in his chair.)† No Jo, a look from you says it all.
JOEY:† Dude, she is really hot!† How did you get a girl like that?
CHANDLER:† You know, I seem to have no idea how.† I keep thinking that Iím going be hanging out with her, and then all of the sudden Iíll be in my underwear, and then realize that it was all some stupid dream.
JOEY:† Well, I donít really think dreams about underwear and girls are stupid.
ROSS:† (Enters.)† Guys, I just saw this gorgeous girl walking down the stairs.
CHANDLER:† (Smiles proudly.)† Thatís Kristen.
ROSS:† Thatís Kristen.† Howíd you get a girl like that?
CHANDLER:† It was bound to happen someday.† Joey and I have switched places.
JOEY:† (Shocked.)† What?
ROSS:† Kind of to think of it, I havenít seen Joey with a girl in two days.
CHANDLER:† Two days, didnít it used to be more like two hours?
JOEY:† Hey man, I went out with Marie yesterday.
CHANDLER:† And yet you didnít take her home.
JOEY:† How would you know?
CHANDLER:† I sleep in the next room, man.
JOEY:† Well, maybe not but she was really tired.
CHANDLER:† Didnít you stop at Central Perk?
JOEY:† She had de-caff!† OK, OK Ė you know what.† Iím going out.
JOEY:† To a club or a bar or . . . something.† And Iíll be back here with a hot girl in no time.† (Determined, he exits.)
CHANDLER:† (Gets up and goes into the bathroom.)
ROSS:† (Going over to the kitchen and looking around.)† Hey Chandler, you got any mint tea?† My throatís kind of bothering me.
CHANDLER:† (Coming out of the bathroom, holding something in his hand.)† Sorry, you might want to try the girlsí.
ROSS:† Whatís that?† (Meaning what Chandler has in his hand.)
CHANDLER:† (Opens his hand.)† Sleeping pills.
ROSS:† What for?
CHANDLER:† Just so Joey doesnít bug me at three oíclock in the morning to go see whomever he brought home.† I suggest you should take some too.† He might feel the need to drop by your place.
(Itís the girlsí place.† Itís the next day and itís around 4 p.m.† Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the table and Phoebeís at the table reading Monicaís palm.)
MONICA:† Iím telling you Phoebe, this is ridiculous.
PHOEBE: No, no, no.† Youíre acting really weird and I want to find out why.† Letís see.† I think this little spot marks this year of your life.† Now are you acting weird because your motherís gay and your dad had a sex change to please her?
MONICA:† (Dully.)† No.
PHOEBE:† What about Ross becoming a prostitute and moving to L.A. with his pimp?
MONICA:† (Dully.)† No.
PHOEBE:† What about the fact that Rachel wants to have a threesome with you and David Letterman?
MONICA:† Ew, no Phoebe!† Does my life sound like Jerry Springer to you?
RACHEL:† (Coming out of her room.)† Well, I agree.
MONICA:† Thank you Rachel.
RACHEL:† Well, not with that.† Well yeah, with the whole threesome thing.† I mean ew Phoebe.
PHOEBE:† (Makes a face.)
RACHEL:† But I also agree that you have been acting really bitchy lately.
RACHEL:† Fine, really, eh, not nice lately.
MONICA:† I donít know what youíre talking about.
ROSS:† (Enters as Monicaís saying this.)† What are they talking about?
PHOEBE:† Monica acting really weird and all mean lately.
ROSS:† Oh yeah, why is that Monica?
MONICA:† Itís nothing, nothing!† I canít have just one bad day where Iím not all cheerful and nice to everyone.† Rachelís like that at least twice every day!
RACHEL:† OK, those are tiny little 30-minute mood swings.† They are harmless.† You however, have been possessed for like four days already!
PHOEBE:† Possessed!† That explains it!
ROSS/RACHEL/MONICA:† (All turn to Phoebe and say in unison: ) What?!
PHOEBE:† Possessed, the reason Monica is acting so weird is because sheís not Monica!
MONICA:† What?† Phoebe, thatís ridiculous.† I am not possessed!
PHOEBE:† Yuh-huh!† Youíre not even Monica!
MONICA:† (Jumps up.)† I am too!
PHOEBE:† I knew that palm seemed unfamiliar.
RACHEL:† (Smiling mischievously.)† Well, since youíre not Monica, you canít order me around anymore.† I donít think Iíll be doing the dishes tonight.
ROSS:† (Starts laughing.)
MONICA:† Oh, yes you are!
RACHEL:† Oh, no Iím not.† In fact, I think Iím just going to go off to lunch now with my new boyfriend- Joshua, and not come home.† Maybe Iíll even, stay out all night without giving you a call!
MONICA:†† What, no!† Phoebe stop it!
PHOEBE:† Yeah OK.† All right Roberta.
MONICA:† Who the hell is Roberta.
PHOEBE:† Duh, you.
MONICA:† I am not Roberta.†
PHOEBE:† Of course you are.† Roberta Manston, an indentured servant who came to America from Great Britain in 1702.
MONICA:† Phoebe, itís 1998!
PHOEBE:† Once again, duh!† Youíre dead.† Long gone.† Youíre just a ghost thatís taken over Monicaís body.† And someday you plan to marry Joey, run for president, and use me, Rachel, and Ross as biology teachers!† All during this time pretending to be Monica Gellar.† No wonder youíve been acting so weird!
(Thereís an awkward silence.)
RACHEL:† Well, Iíve got to meet Joshua.
ROSS:† Iíve got to meet Ben.
MONICA:† Iíve got to meet . . . my room.
MONICA:† (Goes to her room.)
PHOEBE:† That was weird.† Maybe theyíre all possessed!
(Ross is walking down a hall to Susan and Carolís apartment.† I donít believe theyíve ever shown that hall on FRIENDS but you can picture it any way you like.)
ROSS:† (Stops and stares at Susan and a woman who isnít Carol that are standing in front of Carol and Susanís apartment door.† For those of you who would prefer to know what this woman looks like, she has straight brown hair and blue eyes and sheís rather pretty.)
STRANGE WOMAN:† This was really fun.
SUSAN:† Yeah it was.
STRANGE WOMAN:† Do you want to have dinner tomorrow?† We can discuss . . . you know what there.†
SUSAN:† Sure, Iíll just tell Carol Iíve got a late business meeting or something.† She knows Iíve been working hard on the new mayonnaise commercial anyway.
STRANGE WOMAN:† Itís hard to find time isnít it?
SUSAN:† Yes.† I guess Iíll see you tomorrow then.
STRANGE WOMAN:† Canít wait.† (She turns and sees Ross whoís standing there with a bewildered look upon his face.)
STRANGE WOMAN:† Why are you staring at me?
SUSAN:† (Turns and sees Ross.)† Oh my gosh, Ross!
STRANGE WOMAN:† You know him?
SUSAN:† Yeah heís Carolís ex-husband and Benís dad.
STRANGE WOMAN:† Oh, okay-ay, nice meeting you Ross.
ROSS:† (He just stands there looking at her.)
STRANGE WOMAN:† Well, all right then.† (To Susan.)† Call me!
SUSAN:† Uh, Ross? Ross?† Ross?!† Give me some sign that you understand me?!
ROSS:† (Turning to Susan, now angry.)† Youíre cheating on Carol?† Youíre cheating on Carol?!
SUSAN:† Lower your voice and donít be ridiculous.† Sylviaís just a friend!
ROSS:† Oh yeah right!† (Mimicking Sylvia.)† ďCall me.Ē† I canít believe you would cheat on Carol!† You guys have been together for almost five years now!† Do you have any idea how much it would hurt her if she found out about this?!
SUSAN:† Ross just give me a chance to explain!† I would never cheat on Carol!
ROSS:† Well answer me this, is that Sylvia gay too?
SUSAN:† Well, yes, but-
ROSS:† (Cutting Susan off.)† And there you have it!
CAROL:† (Opens the door.)† What are you two fighting about?!† I heard yelling.
ROSS:† (Opens his mouth and then shuts it quickly as he thinks better of it.)† Nothing.† Whereís Ben?
CAROL:† (Goes over to her couch and picks him up.)† Here he is.† Heís all ready for his big day at the park with his daddy!
ROSS:† (Takes Ben from Carol.)† You know Carol, donít you think itís great?
CAROL:† Whatís great.
ROSS:† You.† You have a kid, you have a, um, life-partner, and youíre really nice, pretty, smart, and funny.
CAROL:† Well, yeah.† Thanks Ross.† (Looks at Ross strangely.)
SUSAN:† (Has a worried and angry look on her face.)
ROSS:† I mean no one would ever dream of losing or hurting such a pretty, great, smart, and funny woman.† Now would they?† Especially a woman who has a kid.
CAROL:† Is there a, a point?
ROSS:† Maybe Susan got it.† Did you Susan?† (He turns to Susan whoís standing there with a very angry look on her face.)
SUSAN:† No Ross, Iím not even sure if you spoke in English.
ROSS:† Funny.† Weíll see about that one.† (He turns and exits.)
SUSAN:† (Closes the door.)† (She nervously laughs when she looks at Carol.)
CAROL:† Is he on something?
SUSAN:† More like somethings.
(Itís the guyís apartment.† Joey and Ross are there.† Itís now around nine oíclock p.m.† Joeyís making a sandwich and Ross is walking around the apartment, whining.)
ROSS:† I mean itís been bothering me all day.† How could she do this to poor Carol?† I wasnít able to enjoy my day with Ben- How could she do this?† I canít even think of eating anything.† Iím nauseous, I just- How could she do this?
JOEY:† (Sits down at the table with his sandwich.)† I donít know, it depends.† Was this Sylvia chick hotter than Carol?
ROSS:† (Stares at Joey for a moment.)† Maybe I should be talking to Chandler.† Where is he anyway?
JOEY:† Out with Kristen.† By the way, why didnít you pick up the phone last night?† I called you like five times.
ROSS:† Iím I was in a pretty deep sleep last night and I didnít check my messages yet.† What was wrong last night?
JOEY:† Nothing was wrong!† I kept calling so you could hear Melissa!
ROSS:† Whoís Melissa?
JOEY:† The hot girl I picked up at the bar, remember?
MONICA:† (Enters.)† You guys, can I say here for a little while?† Every ten minutes Phoebeís calling me saying something about Roberta.
ROSS:† Well, why donít you just unplug the phone?
MONICA:† That wouldnít be right.† Something in the apartment would be out of order and it would just keep bugging me and . . . (Notices Joey and Ross are staring at her weirdly.)† Fine, now youíve all turned against me.
ROSS:† I think Iím going to be heading home.† Itís been a really confusing day and I want a little extra sleep.
JOEY:† Ross, donít forget to wake up when I call around three in the morning.
ROSS:† Why would you be calling me at three in the morning?
JOEY:† So I can prove to you that Iíve got a hot girl over here.
ROSS:† You donít have to.† I believe you.
JOEY:† Now you see Ross, thatís not good enough.
ROSS:† (Stares at Joey weirdly and the exits.)
JOEY:† Well, what time is it Monica?
MONICA:† (Looks at her watch.)† Seven minutes after nine, why?
JOEY:† Iím going to be heading down to a club.
MONICA:† Joey itís a weekday!† Canít you save these things for their appropriate times?
JOEY:† (Ignoring Monica.)† The night is young.† When Chandler comes back could you please tell him where I am?
MONICA:† Heís not in his room.† Where is he?
JOEY:† With Kristen.† Just tell him for me OK?
MONICA:† (Looking hurt.)† Yeah, sure.
JOEY:† (Grabs his coat and exits.)
MONICA:† I wonder if thereís any alcohol here.† (She says this while approaching the fridge.† She takes out a half-drunken glass bottle thatís has a golden-pink colored liquid in it.)† (Wrinkling her nose, she says: )† I donít even want to know.† (She looks around.)† (We hear her thinking: )† Maybe I should just leave Chandler a note about Joey and go home and unplug the phone.† (She goes over the kitchen counter, grabs a posted, and begins to write the note.)
(Chandler and Kirsten enter while sheís still writing it.† Chandler has his arm around Kirsten)
CHANDLER:† (Happily.) Hey- (Realizes itís Monica and says more softly.)† Hey Mon.
KIRSTEN:† Howís it going Monica?
MONICA:† (Obviously hurt but doing her best to cover it up.)† Good, good.† I was just writing you a note Joey told me to leave for you.† Iíll be going now.
KIRSTEN:† Then so should I.
CHANDLER:† (Looking at Kirsten.)† So soon?† I thought we were going to hang out for a while.
KIRSTEN:† I know but Iíve got an early day tomorrow.
MONICA:† (Slightly interested.)† Really?† What do you do?
KIRSTEN:† Iím a photographer and I teach a kickboxing class.
MONICA:† How do find the time?
KIRSTEN:† I donít know.† But if anything ever gets in the way of my free time Iíll just drop it.† I guess Iím kind of impulsive.
MONICA:† (Quietly.)† Oh.
KIRSTEN:† (To Chandler.)† So tomorrow for lunch good for you?
CHANDLER:† Sure where?
KIRSTEN:† Iíll just meet you in Central Perk and we can walk around afterward and decide.
CHANDLER:† Great.† (Leans over to kiss Kristen and she pulls closer to make it a long one.)
KRISTEN:† Bye Chandler, Monica.† (She exits.)
MONICA:† (Without a word she makes her way to the door.)
MONICA:† (Pauses at the door and turns to him.)† What?
CHANDLER:† Are you OK?
MONICA:† Iím fine, why?
CHANDLER:† Itís just earlier at the coffeehouse Phoebe mentioned something about you being . . . possessed.
MONICA:† Ugh, I am going to kill her.
CHANDLER:† Now that actually just supported her point of view.
MONICA:† (Smiles.)† Goodnight Chandler.† (She turns.)
CHANDLER:† Are you sure youíre OK?
MONICA:† (More cold now.)† I said I was fine.
CHANDLER:† Well you donít seem fine.
†MONICA:† All right, Iím not fine.
MONICA:† Why?† Chandler, ever since you got together with Kristen youíve done nothing but rub my nose in it!
CHANDLER:† Thatís a lie.
MONICA:† No itís not!
CHANDLER:† Hey I canít help it if youíre jealous.† And thereís no reason why you should be either.† Youíre the one who was all uncertain about this and decided not to even give it a chance.
MONICA:† I didnít decide anything.
CHANDLER:† Well maybe isnít a good enough answer.
MONICA:† And this is how you get back at me for it?
CHANDLER:† Iím not getting back at you for anything.† Youíre just jealous!
MONICA:† With good reason.† Chandler that girl is everything Iím not.† Sheís funny, sheís smart, sheís sexy, sheís impulsive, sheís holding down two jobs and isnít afraid to do what she wants, and I bet her mother never made her feel like a failure.† (She looks down embarrassed.)
(An awkward silence.)
CHANDLER:† Thatís not true.
MONICA:† (Sighing.)† Yes it is.
CHANDLER:† No itís not.† Monica you are gorgeous, youíre sexy, youíre fun, and youíre smart!† You may not be very impulsive but youíre one of the nicest and most sensitive people I know.† OK?† So donít do that to yourself.
(Monica walks over to Chandler and hugs him.† You may have remembered a scene similar to this one in THE ONE WITH THE FLASHBACK, from season 3.)
CHANDLER:† Feel better?
(Monica looks up and she and Chandler stare at each other for a moment.† She kisses his cheek very quickly and then his mouth.† Chandler kisses her back and tightens his hand around her waist.† After a moment, they kiss ends and they break away.)
MONICA:† (Looking at Chandler.)† Iím sorry.† This was a really stupid thing to do, knowing that youíre with Kristen now.
CHANDLER:† It was just as much my fault as yours.
MONICA:† Thatís what I should have said after that first fight.† Bye. †(She turns and exits, closing the door behind her.)
CHANDLER:† (Staring at the door.)† OK, when did my life become a soap opera?
(Itís Central Perk and I guess itís the following morning.† Joeyís in the left chair and Phoebeís on the right.† Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch, Monica on the left side, Rachel on the right.)
PHOEBE:† Roberta, could you please pass me the coffee cream?
MONICA:† (Turning to Phoebe with narrowed eyes.)† For the last time, my name is not Roberta.
PHOEBE:† Why are you still in denial?
MONICA:† Iím not in anything!
JOEY:† Iíd call that denial.
MONICA:† (Turns to Joey.)
JOEY:† I mean, um, um, Phoebe, be quiet!
MONICA:† (Looks satisfied.)
RACHEL:† Theyíre right Phoebs.† I think youíve taken this whole possession thing a little too far.
PHOEBE:† Donít you guys understand.† That girl isnít Monica, sheís Roberta.† And she may be staying for awhile so you guys should just accept it.
MONICA:† Phoebe, one more word out of you and I am never getting you another Christmas present again in my life.
PHOEBE:† (Looks dumbfounded.† Then she quickly says: ) Iíll shut up now.