By Alyssa Vergara (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)
I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom FRIENDS.
This fanfic supposedly takes place after “The One With All The Resentment.” Just to give you a little review, the guys and girls have finally switched back apartments. Sarah Paulson is still here as Kristen. And oh yes, Tate Donovan’s back for another round of Joshua. I forgot to mention his name before, apologies to Tate- (as if he would ever come across one of my fanfics. I can only hope.) I’d also like to add there is be a surprising new development in this fanfic! Suggestions for my fanfic and feedback are welcome. Write me at Joya_Preciosa@hotmail.com
SCENE A:
(It’s Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are all there. Ross is in the left chair reading a newspaper. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel - in order from left to right - are all sitting on the couch.)
PHOEBE: So you’re really gonna do it?
RACHEL: I’m really gonna do it. I just can’t take it anymore. He absolutely refuses to sleep with me! It’s no good having a guy that gorgeous around just to torture you.
PHOEBE: You know I went through this, remember? All you have to do is just ask him about it. It worked for me.
RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. This isn’t just a like . . . ordinary guy! This is Joshua. Joshua!
MONICA: Well if you don’t ask you’ll never know why he doesn’t want to sleep with you.
RACHEL: I don’t know why not but I’m not going to lower myself to actually asking him about it but still, it just, it just doesn’t make any sense! (To Ross.) You!
ROSS: (Looking up from paper.) Yeah?
RACHEL: You slept with me. Was I not good?
ROSS: (Confused.) What?
RACHEL: Am I not attractive? Am I not nice? Am I not funny? Am I not sexy?
ROSS: (Still confused.) Huh?
RACHEL: (To girls.) Oh my gosh, this is so typical. He knows I was the best he’s ever had but once it’s over he denies it. What am I going to do with nobody to verify it for me?
ROSS: What are you talking about?
PHOEBE: Rachel’s going to break up with Joshua.
ROSS: (Sly.) Is that so? He wasn’t as good as me- err, he wasn’t good in uh, uh, bed, huh?
RACHEL: On the contrary, I haven’t even slept with him yet.
ROSS: He hasn’t slept with you yet?! (Mutters.) Gotta be gay.
PHOEBE: Hey I heard that! That is such a Joey or Chandler thing to say! You have been spending way too much time with them!
MONICA: (Nods in agreement.)
RACHEL: What if he’s right? It’s the only reasonable explanation.
MONICA: Reasonable? Rachel, you don’t even know a half or the circumstances that could be involved.
RACHEL: Like what?
MONICA: Well, he could be not ready . . . emotionally.
RACHEL: You know maybe you haven’t been spending enough time with Joey and Chandler.
ROSS: Now see I agree.
OPENING CREDITS
SCENE B:
(It’s the guy’s apartment. Chandler and Kristen are having dinner and sitting at the bar. Joey’s watching TV in his chair.)
JOEY: (Thoughtfully.) Maybe I should do that.
KRISTEN: (Turning around.) What?
JOEY: Go on Leno. I mean that would really give my career that little boost that it needs.
KRISTEN: But Joey, honey, you have to be a celebrity to go on Leno.
JOEY: (Defensive.) Hey, I’m a celebrity!
CHANDLER: And “little boost?” I haven’t seen you go to an audition for like three weeks.
JOEY: You guys, I’m not stupid. All I have to do is go see the show. Then he’ll pick me out of the audience and then he’ll interview me!
KRISTEN: How are you going to be sure he’ll pick you out of the audience?
JOEY: (Arrogantly.) Kristen, you may not know this, but I was Dr. Drake Romoray.
KRISTEN: What like, multiple personalities?
JOEY: (Looks at her for a second, confused and insulted.) Never mind!
PHOEBE: (Enters.) You guys! Guess what! Guess what! Guess what!
CHANDLER: What Phoebs?
PHOEBE: I said guess.
JOEY: Please don’t say the babies kicked again because it’s getting really old.
CHANDLER: (Nods.) Regardless of Monica and Rachel’s continuous shrieking.
KRISTEN: (Smiles, amused.)
PHOEBE: (As if she couldn’t believe they were so stupid.) No!
KRISTEN: Then what?
PHOEBE: I’ve got a new boyfriend!
CHANDLER: (In disbelief.) You got a boyfriend even though you’re pregnant.
KRISTEN: (Stares at Chandler disapprovingly.)
CHANDLER: I mean, yay Phoebs!
PHOEBE: I know. And he is just so . . . (Stares of dreamily.)
KRISTEN: So who’s the lucky guy?
PHOEBE: My doctor!
(There’s a moment of silence.)
JOEY: Isn’t there some kind of law against that?
CHANDLER: I thought your doctor was a woman.
JOEY: You know normally I’d say something about that, but there’s something unsettling about a pregnant woman and her doctor in the scenario.
PHOEBE: He’s not a woman. My old doctor actually got switched around to another patient and that’s how I met Robert.
KRISTEN: So what’s he like?
PHOEBE: Perfect! He’s just so . . . so the guy Rachel would want to have!
CHANDLER: OK, but Phoebs, he’s your doctor. You’re pregnant, unattached but still pregnant.
PHOEBE: What’s wrong with a guy dating a pregnant woman? They aren’t even really my babies and the bump’s gonna disappear in a few months.
CHANDLER: You’re his patient. I don’t think doctors are supposed to date their patients.
PHOEBE: Really?
KRISTEN: (Sympathetic.) Yeah.
JOEY: Since when did this whole thing start anyway
PHOEBE: This afternoon when I went to my appointment.
CHANDLER: He’s your boyfriend even though you’ve only known him a couple of hours?
PHOEBE: (Shrugs.) Stranger things have happened.
JOEY: Anyway, I’m going to be on Jay Leno.
PHOEBE: OK, not that strange.
SCENE C:
(It’s Joshua’s apartment, his living room. We don’t see anyone around. All of the sudden, Joshua’s bedroom door is yanked open and Joshua storms out, obviously upset. Rachel follows.)
JOSHUA: I can’t believe this just happened!
RACHEL: I know! I know! Oh my gosh, Joshua I am so sorry!
JOSHUA: The first woman I’m serious about since the divorce and then look what happens!
RACHEL: I know! Oh I’m so sorry but couldn’t we just um (motions back to the bedroom) go back in there?
JOSHUA: (Takes a moment’s pause and it looks as if he’s thinking over her suggestion. He then says flatly: ) No.
RACHEL: Fine! Fine just great! (She grabs her coat on the way to the door. She then says pointedly: ) I’d forgive you if you did to me.
JOSHUA: (Arms crossed.) No you wouldn’t.
RACHEL: (At a loss for words.) Yeah well, I . . . (Gives Joshua “The way of giving the finger without actually having to give it” before closing the door.)
(*Confused, aren’t you? Rest assured, all will be explained in time.)
SCENE D:
(It’s the girl’s apartment. It’s dark and appears as if nobody’s there.)
RACHEL: (Enters and slams the door, HARD, behind her.) Agghhh! (She makes her way to the kitchen.)
MONICA: (Pop out of bedroom, her hair is mushed and she appears sleepy and grumpy.) Rachel, if you don’t mind, from now on when you come bursting into the apartment in the middle of the night, (her voice gets louder and angrier,) do not slam the door and scream!
RACHEL: (Pulls out a carton of orange juice from the fridge and opens it.) Don’t start with me Mon, I am not in the mood!
MONICA: Mood! Mood! What mood? You’re so lucky I am tolerant right now with your little burst of midnight PMS! And you’re . . . you’re drinking the juice from the carton! What is this all about anyway?
RACHEL: (Stops drinking the juice and sets the carton down on the table.) I really don’t feel like talking about it right now. All I want to do is just get some rest! Some peaceful rest!
MONICA: Hey I’d be happily shut up now resting peacefully myself if you hadn’t-
RACHEL: (Cutting Monica off, she makes her way to her bedroom.) We’ll discuss it in the morning!
MONICA: (Makes her way to her bedroom.) Fine! (She opens the door and glances at Rachel mischievously. She then says, as sweetly as she can:) Rest in peace. (She closes the door.)
RACHEL: (Not quite getting Monica’s clever little joke.) Well that’s more like it. (Opens the door and enters her room.)
SCENE E:
(It’s Central Perk. Monica enters. It’s early in the morning and only Gunther, Chandler and Kristen are there . . . on the couch. She goes over to Chandler and Kristen.)
MONICA: Hey guys. (She offers a weak smile as she plops into the right chair.)
CHANDLER: (Warmly.) Hey. (We notice he slowly moves his hand off Kristen’s shoulder and onto the top rim of the couch instead.)
KRISTEN: Hey Monica! Want to come see a movie with me?
MONICA: What? Right now? It’s 6 a.m.
KRISTEN: Yeah, I know. Chandler woke me up early because he had to go to work and I’m bored so . . . you want to go?
GUNTHER: (Comes by to grab Chandler and Kristen’s now empty coffee cups. He mutters: ) Man you people really need to get a life.
MONICA: You know I don’t even think they’re open this early.
KRISTEN: Well one does. The Thompson Theater. It’s not that far away and it’s really cheap. Let’s go, what do you say?
CHANDLER: (Looks uncomfortable.)
MONICA: (Realizing she’s cornered, she decides to go along with it.) Sure I . . . I guess. What are we going to see?
KRISTEN: We’ll see when we get there. (Begins to get up.)
MONICA: Oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait. Phoebe’s supposed to meet me here.
CHANDLER: Oh, right. She called me this morning to tell you that she can’t make it. She said your phone was busy.
MONICA: Yeah, Rachel’s been ordering stuff from QVC ever since five.
CHANDLER: She broke up with Joshua huh?
MONICA: I guess so. She said something about them having a fight but she won’t tell me what happened. It’s weird. (Changing the subject.) Did Phoebe say why she couldn’t come?
KRISTEN: She’s meeting Robert.
MONICA: This early? What are they like hiding out from hospital officials or something?
CHANDLER: Probably. I’m pretty sure he could get fired for dating her.
KRISTEN: Come on Monica. The movie starts at six twenty-five. (Gets up and leans over to kiss Chandler good-bye.)
MONICA: (Looks a bit uncomfortable but is no longer cringing at the sight of that.) Do you know which movie it could be at least?
KRISTEN: Well it plays horror movies so there’s definite possibility to a Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, or maybe Poltergeist.
MONICA: (Getting up.) Great, a bunch of screaming victims trying to escape murderers and the supernatural. The healthy start to everybody’s day.
KRISTEN: Relax. If you feel the need of a normal Oscar winner the theater across the street will be open afterwards. I’ll take you to see Titanic or something.
SCENE F:
(It’s a typical restaurant. Phoebe and Robert are having breakfast. Phoebe’s finishing off a plate. For those of you who wish to know what Robert looks like, well imagine brown hair, brown eyes, tall, and very attractive- well this is Lisa Kudrow he’s supposedly dating here.)
PHOEBE: Waiter! Waiter!
WAITER: Yes?
PHOEBE: I’d like my plate refilled.
WAITER: Of course. (He takes her plate.)
PHOEBE: (To Robert.) I won’t get fat if I eat another plate, will I?
ROBERT: I don’t think so. Eat whatever you want. I’ll put it on my bill.
PHOEBE: (Giggles.) Now see I really like you!
ROBERT: Same here.
PHOEBE: My friends just don’t understand.
ROBERT: Understand what?
PHOEBE: (She motions with her finger by pointing to him and then to her.) You and me.
ROBERT: What about you and me?
PHOEBE: Well, they think it’s wrong for you to be dating me because you’re my doctor.
ROBERT: Why would they think that?
PHOEBE: I know, it’ so silly. I mean you can’t help the way you feel, right?
WAITER: (Brings by another plate for Phoebe.) Here you go. Another plate for the Mrs. Expecting I see.
PHOEBE: Oh, yes. But we’re not married. And the babies aren’t his, they’re my brother’s. Although he is my doctor and I am dating him.
WAITER: OK . . . (He walks off and grabs a tray full of food at the counter.)
A WAITRESS: (She comes from behind him, in line to receive her tray. Glancing at Phoebe and Robert, she says admiringly:) Aren’t they a cute couple?
WAITER: Don’t fool yourself. They’re a Jerry Springer case.
ROBERT: So am I going to meet your friends? Prove to them I’m not weird?
PHOEBE: Of course! Oh, you know what else they said was weird? (She begins to eat her food.)
ROBERT: What?
PHOEBE: The fact that you’re dating me even though I’m pregnant.
ROBERT: That’s not weird. First of all I’ve dated plenty of patients-
PHOEBE: (Her eyes widen and she sets down her fork.)
ROBERT: - and second of all about thirty of them were pregnant.
PHOEBE: Yeah um, you know what . . . I’ve got to go now. (Gets up.)
ROBERT: (Gets up.) Wait . . . why?
PHOEBE: (Grabs her purse.) Because I’ve got a date with my um, . . . my optometrist! (She quickly exits.)
SCENE G:
(It’s the guy’s apartment. Chandler’s pacing back and forth and all around the apartment. Joey’s in his chair, trying to watch TV.)
JOEY: Dude, could you stop doing that? You’re giving me motion sickness and I just woke up!
CHANDLER: It’s noon. It’s noon! (Goes over to Joey and thrusts his wrist in his face. He taps his watch while saying: ) Noon, noon, noon!
JOEY: Yeah, and that perfectly proves my point. I just woke up!
CHANDLER: Why aren’t they back yet? Those movies couldn’t have taken more than four hours!
JOEY: Well, you said that they were going to see Titanic, right? Maybe it did take six or five hours with all those movies combined.
CHANDLER: Then why aren’t they back yet?
JOEY: Dude, why are you being so overprotective about your girlfriend. Kristen’s a big girl, she knows what she’s doing.
ROSS: (Enters.)
CHANDLER: Did you not hear me man? It’s noon. (Begins to jump excitedly.) Noon, noon, noon, noon, noon!
ROSS: You really should lay off the coffee man. (Goes over to Chandler’s leather chair and sits in it.) So where is everyone?
CHANDLER: Well Phoebe’s with Robert, Rachel took a day off work because she’s all upset about Joshua, and Kristen and Monica are nowhere to be seen, . . . and it’s noon!
ROSS: Yes, you’ve said that all ready. Why aren’t you at work?
CHANDLER: I took an early lunch break, OK? Why does every body have to be so nosy? Why can’t Joey ever pay the bills? And why aren’t Kristen and Monica back yet?!
JOEY: Relax man. After I get on Leno I’ll have plenty of acting jobs lined up and you won’t have to pay anything ever again.
ROSS: What? How are you going to get on Leno?
JOEY: (Leans over to Ross.) You know, just between you and me man- you’re a little dense.
CHANDLER: He’s not going to. He hasn’t even sent away for the ticket or anything so he probably won’t even get to see it.
JOEY: I’ll get Phoebe to do it for me.
ROSS: But you’d only be in the audience Joey.
JOEY: Are you kidding, I’d be upstage in no time!
ROSS: How?
JOEY: (Gives Ross an “I can’t believe you’re so stupid” look.) I don’t know what to do with this guy anymore!
KRISTEN+MONICA: (Enter. In unison they say-) Hey!
CHANDLER: Where were you guys? It’s been awhile!
KRISTEN: We went to the movies silly!
MONICA: (Holds up some shopping bags.) And then we went shopping!
KRISTEN: Yeah and we also stopped by the library to go see my friend Melanie who works there.
MONICA: Oh, wasn’t that guy by the history section hot?
KRISTEN: Absolutely, when I saw him I-
CHANDLER: (Cutting Kristen off.) Well you guys could’ve at least called! I was really worried!
KRISTEN: Aren’t you supposed to be at work?
PHOEBE: (Enters.) You guys were so right! I should have seen it coming! I’ve spent the past couple of hours on the phone with my three psychic friends and now I’m going to go broke!
KRISTEN: What are you talking about?
PHOEBE: You know. Blue Spirit Moon is right! I shouldn’t blame this on myself, it’s your guys’ fault!
MONICA: Again, what are you talking about?
JOEY: Yeah and who’s Blue Spirit Moon?
PHOEBE: My psychic friend! And I’m talking about Robert!
MONICA: Why, what happened with Robert?
PHOEBE: Well apparently he only dated me because I was his patient and pregnant! And you guys should’ve told me!
ROSS: Phoebe, it’s- it’s not like it’s our fault.
PHOEBE: Yuh-huh! Red Octagon-Star told me so!
JOEY: What’s an octagon?
SCENE H:
(It’s the guy’s apartment. It’s about an hour later now. Kristen, Phoebe, and Ross are no longer there. Monica and Chandler are sitting in the leather chairs watching TV. Joey’s at the counter writing on an envelope.)
JOEY: (Goes over to the door.) I’m going to go mail the letter. Make sure the duck doesn’t get out of the bathroom because she’s being punished.
MONICA: What for?
JOEY: She ate my sandwich.
CHANDLER: Well maybe you should stop eating your sandwiches in the bathtub.
JOEY: (Gives Chandler a dirty look and then exits.)
MONICA: So why does it bother you?
CHANDLER: (Sets the TV on mute.) What bothers me?
MONICA: Kristen and I being friends.
CHANDLER: It doesn’t bother me, . . . it’s just, you already have Rachel and Phoebe. Why would you need Kristen?
MONICA: I still don’t get it. Kristen and Rachel have already been in and out of shopping trips, lunch dates, movies, and they even had lunch together. And she’s already friends with Phoebe. The girls were even acting really hostile towards me for a while because I didn’t want to hang out with Kristen. And now I did and she’s . . . well, she’s fun. I really like her.
CHANDLER: (Childish.) Phoebe and Rachel are fun.
MONICA: Chandler, how come it never bothered you when I didn’t like her and now it bothers you that I do?
CHANDLER: Well at least before there was a good reason for it not to bother me because you were jealous . . . and that was cool.
MONICA: (Frowning.) I’m going to try and pretend I didn’t hear that.
CHANDLER: But now with you guys all hanging out together it’s just- it’s just really weird you know?
MONICA: (Pointedly.) Well if we all kept avoiding each other it would be weirder.
CHANDLER: You know, sometimes I get the feeling it’s never going to stop being weird.
(They stare at each other for a moment.)
JOEY: (Enters.) OK, I’m all set. I’ll be on Leno in no time and you- (points to Chandler) –are going to be the one owing me money for a change! (He smiles victoriously.)
CHANDLER: Say, Jo. Did you happen to forget the stamp?
JOEY: (His smile fades.) Ahh man! (He exits, disappointed.)
MONICA+CHANDLER: (Stare at each other . . . amused.)
MONICA: I’m going to get going. I’ve got a lot of things to do today. (She gets up and makes her way to the door.)
CHANDLER: Bye.
MONICA: Bye. (She opens the door, pauses, and turns to Chandler while holding the door.) It’ll stop being weird, sooner or later.
CHANDLER: (Nods.)
MONICA: (Exits.)
CHANDLER: (Turns on the TV. It’s Party of Five.)
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT (SARAH): Bailey, things are just so weird between us. I don’t think they’re ever going to change.
CHANDLER: (Blink and shuts the TV off.) OK, that’s enough of that.
SCENE I:
(It’s the girl’s apartment. Rachel’s sitting on the couch. The phone is at her side and so is a small carton of chocolate ice cream.)
MONICA: (Enters.) Hey Rach, did the demon leave?
RACHEL: I’m sorry Monica, I was just really upset earlier.
MONICA: (Sits down next to Rachel.) Would you care to tell me why?
RACHEL: If I do, . . . oh my gosh Monica it was just so weird! I never expected something like that to happen!
MONICA: (Frowning.) Like what?
RACHEL: Well I had taken your advice and just asked Joshua what was up.
MONICA: And what did he say?
RACHEL: He said he was just waiting for me to make the first move.
MONICA: You bought him candles, you rented at least fourteen romances at the video store, you bought him two tons of Hallmark cards, and guys had at least ten romantic dinners! I’d say you had put in at least a hundred first moves.
RACHEL: Well I know that Monica but I didn’t want to ruin it all by arguing some more!
MONICA: So what happened? Did you?
RACHEL: Well we were going to, . . . but then I . . . (Drifts of.)
MONICA: Oh my gosh! Will you just tell me?!
RACHEL: (Quickly.) Well we were kissing and I kind of muttered- Ross’s name.
(An awkward silence.)
MONICA: You what?
RACHEL: I said Ross’s name but it, it didn’t mean anything!
MONICA: How can you say it didn’t mean anything! This is Ross we’re talking about!
RACHEL: (Putting her hands over her face.) I know. I know. That’s why I’m so worried!
MONICA: Well do you care about Ross again?
RACHEL: He means a lot to me. He’s still my friend.
MONICA: You know what I mean Rach. Do you still think of him- romantically?
RACHEL: That’s the thing . . . I don’t know.
SCENE J:
(It’s the guy’s apartment. Joey and Phoebe are sitting on the leather chairs, talking.)
JOEY: Phoebe, that’s crazy.
PHOEBE: No I’m serious. I’m not going to have a boyfriend for a while. Why did I break up with him?
JOEY: Maybe because he was insane and let’s not forget perverted.
PHOEBE: I don’t think you should be judging people about being perverted.
JOEY: Look, whatever. The guy was a creep, all right?
PHOEBE: Maybe so but I could have at least kept him around for a little bit to make me feel better! I mean, he was gorgeous! He was nice! He bought me three breakfasts!
JOEY: I thought you guys only were together since like yesterday afternoon.
PHOEBE: (Defensive.) Hey I’m pregnant!
JOEY: Well, still Phoebe-
PHOEBE: (Cutting Joey off.) Hey there are three kids inside of me right now Joey! Three! That’s three meals for three kids. I didn’t even get to eat anything!
JOEY: OK, OK don’t get all squinky. (He says “squinky” much like Phoebe did in THE ONE WITH RUSS.)
PHOEBE: (Her mood changes to pleasantly surprised.) You’ve practicing your words!
JOEY: (Trying to act modest yet he smiles proudly.) Kinda.
PHOEBE: I’d give you a hug but I don’t think I feel like moving right now.
JOEY: Well, that’s no problem Phoebs, I’ll hug you. (Gets up.)
PHOEBE: (Stops him.) Joey, I’m in my mood where just the thought of touching a human makes me want to puke.
JOEY: (Sits back down, deflated.) I didn’t think I’d ever have a female say that about me.
PHOEBE: Not you . . . human beings.
JOEY: Oh all right. (Realizes.) Hey!
PHOEBE: (Puts her hand over her mouth.)