By Alyssa Vergara (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)
(Itís Central Perk.† Ross, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are all there.† Ross is in the left chair reading a newspaper.† Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel - in order from left to right - are all sitting on the couch.)
PHOEBE:† So youíre really gonna do it?
RACHEL:† Iím really gonna do it.† I just canít take it anymore.† He absolutely refuses to sleep with me!† Itís no good having a guy that gorgeous around just to torture you.
PHOEBE:† You know I went through this, remember?† All you have to do is just ask him about it.† It worked for me.
RACHEL:† OK, Phoebs.† This isnít just a like . . . ordinary guy!† This is Joshua.† Joshua!
MONICA:† Well if you donít ask youíll never know why he doesnít want to sleep with you.
RACHEL:† I donít know why not but Iím not going to lower myself to actually asking him about it but still, it just, it just doesnít make any sense!† (To Ross.) You!
ROSS:† (Looking up from paper.)† Yeah?
RACHEL:† You slept with me.† Was I not good?
ROSS:† (Confused.)† What?
RACHEL:† Am I not attractive?† Am I not nice?† Am I not funny?† Am I not sexy?
ROSS:† (Still confused.) Huh?
RACHEL:† (To girls.)† Oh my gosh, this is so typical.† He knows I was the best heís ever had but once itís over he denies it.† What am I going to do with nobody to verify it for me?
ROSS:† What are you talking about?
PHOEBE:† Rachelís going to break up with Joshua.
ROSS:† (Sly.)† Is that so?† He wasnít as good as me- err, he wasnít good in uh, uh, bed, huh?
RACHEL:† On the contrary, I havenít even slept with him yet.
ROSS:† He hasnít slept with you yet?!† (Mutters.)† Gotta be gay.
PHOEBE:† Hey I heard that!† That is such a Joey or Chandler thing to say!† You have been spending way too much time with them!
MONICA:† (Nods in agreement.)
RACHEL:† What if heís right?† Itís the only reasonable explanation.
MONICA:† Reasonable?† Rachel, you donít even know a half or the circumstances that could be involved.†
RACHEL:† Like what?
MONICA:† Well, he could be† not ready . . . emotionally.
RACHEL:† You know maybe you havenít been spending enough time with Joey and Chandler.
ROSS:† Now see I agree.
(Itís the guyís apartment.† Chandler and Kristen are having dinner and sitting at the bar.† Joeyís watching TV in his chair.)
JOEY:† (Thoughtfully.)† Maybe I should do that.
KRISTEN:† (Turning around.)† What?
JOEY:† Go on Leno.† I mean that would really give my career that little boost that it needs.
KRISTEN:† But Joey, honey, you have to be a celebrity to go on Leno.
JOEY:† (Defensive.)† Hey, Iím a celebrity!
CHANDLER:† And ďlittle boost?Ē† I havenít seen you go to an audition for like three weeks.
JOEY:† You guys, Iím not stupid.† All I have to do is go see the show.† Then heíll pick me out of the audience and then heíll interview me!
KRISTEN:† How are you going to be sure heíll pick you out of the audience?
JOEY:† (Arrogantly.)† Kristen, you may not know this, but I was Dr. Drake Romoray.
KRISTEN:† What like, multiple personalities?
JOEY:† (Looks at her for a second, confused and insulted.)† Never mind!
PHOEBE:† (Enters.)† You guys!† Guess what!† Guess what!† Guess what!
CHANDLER:† What Phoebs?
PHOEBE:† I said guess.
JOEY:† Please donít say the babies kicked again because itís getting really old.
CHANDLER:† (Nods.)† Regardless of Monica and Rachelís continuous shrieking.
KRISTEN:† (Smiles, amused.)
PHOEBE:† (As if she couldnít believe they were so stupid.)† No!
KRISTEN:† Then what?
PHOEBE:† Iíve got a new boyfriend!
CHANDLER:† (In disbelief.)† You got a boyfriend even though youíre pregnant.
KRISTEN:† (Stares at Chandler disapprovingly.)
CHANDLER:† I mean, yay Phoebs!
PHOEBE:† I know.† And he is just so . . . (Stares of dreamily.)
KRISTEN:† So whoís the lucky guy?
PHOEBE:† My doctor!
(Thereís a moment of silence.)
JOEY:† Isnít there some kind of law against that?
CHANDLER:† I thought your doctor was a woman.
JOEY:† You know normally Iíd say something about that, but thereís something unsettling about a pregnant woman and her doctor in the scenario.
PHOEBE:† Heís not a woman.† My old doctor actually got switched around to another patient and thatís how I met Robert.
KRISTEN:† So whatís he like?
PHOEBE:† Perfect!† Heís just so . . . so the guy Rachel would want to have!
CHANDLER:† OK, but Phoebs, heís your doctor.† Youíre pregnant, unattached but still pregnant.
PHOEBE:† Whatís wrong with a guy dating a pregnant woman?† They arenít even really my babies and the bumpís gonna disappear in a few months.
CHANDLER:† Youíre his patient.† I donít think doctors are supposed to date their patients.
KRISTEN:† (Sympathetic.)† Yeah.
JOEY:† Since when did this whole thing start anyway
PHOEBE:† This afternoon when I went to my appointment.
CHANDLER:† Heís your boyfriend even though youíve only known him a couple of hours?
PHOEBE:† (Shrugs.)† Stranger things have happened.
JOEY:† Anyway, Iím going to be on Jay Leno.
PHOEBE:† OK, not that strange.
(Itís Joshuaís apartment, his living room.† We donít see anyone around.† All of the sudden, Joshuaís bedroom door is yanked open and Joshua storms out, obviously upset.† Rachel follows.)
JOSHUA:† I canít believe this just happened!
RACHEL:† I know!† I know!† Oh my gosh, Joshua I am so sorry!
JOSHUA:† The first woman Iím serious about since the divorce and then look what happens!
RACHEL:† I know!† Oh Iím so sorry but couldnít we just um (motions back to the bedroom) go back in there?
JOSHUA:† (Takes a momentís pause and it looks as if heís thinking over her suggestion.† He then says flatly: )† No.
RACHEL:† Fine!† Fine just great!† (She grabs her coat on the way to the door. †She then says pointedly: )† Iíd forgive you if you did to me.
JOSHUA:† (Arms crossed.)† No you wouldnít.
RACHEL:† (At a loss for words.)† Yeah well, I . . . (Gives Joshua ďThe way of giving the finger without actually having to give itĒ before closing the door.)
(*Confused, arenít you?† Rest assured, all will be explained in time.)
(Itís the girlís apartment.† Itís dark and appears as if nobodyís there.)
RACHEL:†† (Enters and slams the door, HARD, behind her.)† Agghhh!† (She makes her way to the kitchen.)
MONICA:† (Pop out of bedroom, her hair is mushed and she appears sleepy and grumpy.)† Rachel, if you donít mind, from now on when you come bursting into the apartment in the middle of the night, (her voice gets louder and angrier,) do not slam the door and scream!
RACHEL:† (Pulls out a carton of orange juice from the fridge and opens it.)† Donít start with me Mon, I am not in the mood!
MONICA:† Mood!† Mood!† What mood?† Youíre so lucky I am tolerant right now with your little burst of midnight PMS!† And youíre . . . youíre drinking the juice from the carton!† What is this all about anyway?
RACHEL:† (Stops drinking the juice and sets the carton down on the table.)† I really donít feel like talking about it right now.† All I want to do is just get some rest!† Some peaceful rest!
MONICA:† Hey Iíd be happily shut up now resting peacefully myself if you hadnít-
RACHEL:† (Cutting Monica off, she makes her way to her bedroom.)† Weíll discuss it in the morning!
MONICA:† (Makes her way to her bedroom.)† Fine!† (She opens the door and glances at Rachel mischievously.† She then says, as sweetly as she can:)† Rest in peace.† (She closes the door.)
RACHEL: (Not quite getting Monicaís clever little joke.)† Well thatís more like it.† (Opens the door and enters her room.)
(Itís Central Perk.† Monica enters.† Itís early in the morning and only Gunther, Chandler and Kristen are there . . . on the couch.† She goes over to Chandler and Kristen.)
MONICA:† Hey guys.† (She offers a weak smile as she plops into the right chair.)
CHANDLER:† (Warmly.)† Hey.† (We notice he slowly moves his hand off Kristenís shoulder and onto the top rim of the couch instead.)
KRISTEN:† Hey Monica!† Want to come see a movie with me?
MONICA:† What?† Right now?† Itís 6 a.m.
KRISTEN:† Yeah, I know.† Chandler woke me up early because he had to go to work and Iím bored so . . . you want to go?
GUNTHER:† (Comes by to grab Chandler and Kristenís now empty coffee cups.† He mutters: )† Man you people really need to get a life.
MONICA:† You know I donít even think theyíre open this early.
KRISTEN:† Well one does.† The Thompson Theater.† Itís not that far away and itís really cheap.† Letís go, what do you say?
CHANDLER:† (Looks uncomfortable.)
MONICA:† (Realizing sheís cornered, she decides to go along with it.)† Sure I . . . I guess.† What are we going to see?
KRISTEN:† Weíll see when we get there.† (Begins to get up.)
MONICA:† Oh, no, no, no.† Wait, wait.† Phoebeís supposed to meet me here.
CHANDLER:† Oh, right.† She called me this morning to tell you that she canít make it.† She said your phone was busy.
MONICA:† Yeah, Rachelís been ordering stuff from QVC ever since five.
CHANDLER:† She broke up with Joshua huh?
MONICA:† I guess so.† She said something about them having a fight but she wonít tell me what happened.† Itís weird.† (Changing the subject.)† Did Phoebe say why she couldnít come?
KRISTEN:† Sheís meeting Robert.
MONICA:† This early?† What are they like hiding out from hospital officials or something?
CHANDLER:† Probably.† Iím pretty sure he could get fired for dating her.
KRISTEN:† Come on Monica.† The movie starts at six twenty-five.† (Gets up and leans over to kiss Chandler good-bye.)
MONICA:† (Looks a bit uncomfortable but is no longer cringing at the sight of that.)† Do you know which movie it could be at least?
KRISTEN:† Well it plays horror movies so thereís definite possibility to a Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, or maybe Poltergeist.
MONICA:† (Getting up.)† Great, a bunch of screaming victims trying to escape murderers and the supernatural.† The healthy start to everybodyís day.
KRISTEN:† Relax.† If you feel the need of a normal Oscar winner the theater across the street will be open afterwards.† Iíll take you to see Titanic or something.
(Itís a typical restaurant. †Phoebe and Robert are having breakfast.† Phoebeís finishing off a plate.† For those of you who wish to know what Robert looks like, well imagine brown hair, brown eyes, tall, and very attractive- well this is Lisa Kudrow heís supposedly dating here.)
PHOEBE:† Waiter!† Waiter!
PHOEBE:† Iíd like my plate refilled.
WAITER:† Of course.† (He takes her plate.)
PHOEBE:† (To Robert.)† I wonít get fat if I eat another plate, will I?
ROBERT:† I donít think so.† Eat whatever you want.† Iíll put it on my bill.
PHOEBE:† (Giggles.)† Now see I really like you!
ROBERT:† Same here.
PHOEBE:† My friends just donít understand.
ROBERT:† Understand what?
PHOEBE:† (She motions with her finger by pointing to him and then to her.)† You and me.
ROBERT:† What about you and me?
PHOEBE:† Well, they think itís wrong for you to be dating me because youíre my doctor.
ROBERT:† Why would they think that?
PHOEBE:† I know, ití so silly.† I mean you canít help the way you feel, right?
WAITER:† (Brings by another plate for Phoebe.)† Here you go.† Another plate for the Mrs. Expecting I see.
PHOEBE:† Oh, yes.† But weíre not married.† And the babies arenít his, theyíre my brotherís.† Although he is my doctor and I am dating him.
WAITER:† OK . . .† (He walks off and grabs a tray full of food at the counter.)
A WAITRESS:† (She comes from behind him, in line to receive her tray.† Glancing at Phoebe and Robert, she says admiringly:)† Arenít they a cute couple?
WAITER:† Donít fool yourself.† Theyíre a Jerry Springer case.
ROBERT:† So am I going to meet your friends?† Prove to them Iím not weird?
PHOEBE:† Of course!† Oh, you know what else they said was weird?† (She begins to eat her food.)
PHOEBE:† The fact that youíre dating me even though Iím pregnant.
ROBERT:† Thatís not weird.† First of all Iíve dated plenty of patients-
PHOEBE:† (Her eyes widen and she sets down her fork.)
ROBERT: - and second of all about thirty of them were pregnant.
PHOEBE:† Yeah um, you know what . . . Iíve got to go now.† (Gets up.)
ROBERT:† (Gets up.)† Wait . . . why?
PHOEBE:† (Grabs her purse.)† Because Iíve got a date with my um, . . . my optometrist!† (She quickly exits.)
†(Itís the guyís apartment.† Chandlerís pacing back and forth and all around the apartment.† Joeyís in his chair, trying to watch TV.)
JOEY:† Dude, could you stop doing that?† Youíre giving me motion sickness and I just woke up!
CHANDLER:† Itís noon.† Itís noon!† (Goes over to Joey and thrusts his wrist in his face.† He taps his watch while saying: )† Noon, noon, noon!
JOEY:† Yeah, and that perfectly proves my point.† I just woke up!
CHANDLER:† Why arenít they back yet?† Those movies couldnít have taken more than four hours!
JOEY:† Well, you said that they were going to see Titanic, right?† Maybe it did take six or five hours with all those movies combined.
CHANDLER:† Then why arenít they back yet?
JOEY:† Dude, why are you being so overprotective about your girlfriend.† Kristenís a big girl, she knows what sheís doing.
CHANDLER:† Did you not hear me man?† Itís noon.† (Begins to jump excitedly.)† Noon, noon, noon, noon, noon!
ROSS:† You really should lay off the coffee man.† (Goes over to Chandlerís leather chair and sits in it.)† So where is everyone?
CHANDLER:† Well Phoebeís with Robert, Rachel took a day off work because sheís all upset about Joshua, and Kristen and Monica are nowhere to be seen, . . . and itís noon!
ROSS:† Yes, youíve said that all ready.† Why arenít you at work?
CHANDLER:† I took an early lunch break, OK?† Why does every body have to be so nosy?† Why canít Joey ever pay the bills?† And why arenít Kristen and Monica back yet?!
JOEY:† Relax man.† After I get on Leno Iíll have plenty of acting jobs lined up and you wonít have to pay anything ever again.
ROSS:† What?† How are you going to get on Leno?
JOEY:† (Leans over to Ross.)† You know, just between you and me man- youíre a little dense.
CHANDLER:† Heís not going to.† He hasnít even sent away for the ticket or anything so he probably wonít even get to see it.
JOEY:† Iíll get Phoebe to do it for me.
ROSS:† But youíd only be in the audience Joey.
JOEY:† Are you kidding, Iíd be upstage in no time!
JOEY:† (Gives Ross an ďI canít believe youíre so stupidĒ look.)† I donít know what to do with this guy anymore!
KRISTEN+MONICA:† (Enter.† In unison they say-)† Hey!
CHANDLER:† Where were you guys?† Itís been awhile!
KRISTEN:† We went to the movies silly!
MONICA:† (Holds up some shopping bags.)† And then we went shopping!
KRISTEN:† Yeah and we also stopped by the library to go see my friend Melanie who works there.
MONICA:† Oh, wasnít that guy by the history section hot?
KRISTEN:† Absolutely, when I saw him I-
CHANDLER:† (Cutting Kristen off.)† Well you guys couldíve at least called!† I was really worried!
KRISTEN:† Arenít you supposed to be at work?
PHOEBE:† (Enters.)† You guys were so right!† I should have seen it coming!† Iíve spent the past couple of hours on the phone with my three psychic friends and now Iím going to go broke!
KRISTEN:† What are you talking about?
PHOEBE:† You know.† Blue Spirit Moon is right!† I shouldnít blame this on myself, itís your guysí fault!
MONICA:† Again, what are you talking about?
JOEY:† Yeah and whoís Blue Spirit Moon?
PHOEBE:† My psychic friend!† And Iím talking about Robert!
MONICA:† Why, what happened with Robert?
PHOEBE: Well apparently he only dated me because I was his patient and pregnant!† And you guys shouldíve told me!
ROSS:† Phoebe, itís- itís not like itís our fault.
PHOEBE:† Yuh-huh!† Red Octagon-Star told me so!
JOEY:† Whatís an octagon?
(Itís the guyís apartment.† Itís about an hour later now.† Kristen, Phoebe, and Ross are no longer there.† Monica and Chandler are sitting in the leather chairs watching TV.† Joeyís at the counter writing on an envelope.)
JOEY:† (Goes over to the door.)† Iím going to go mail the letter.† Make sure the duck doesnít get out of the bathroom because sheís being punished.
MONICA:† What for?
JOEY:† She ate my sandwich.
CHANDLER:† Well maybe you should stop eating your sandwiches in the bathtub.
JOEY:† (Gives Chandler a dirty look and then exits.)
MONICA:† So why does it bother you?
CHANDLER:† (Sets the TV on mute.)† What bothers me?
MONICA:† Kristen and I being friends.
CHANDLER:† It doesnít bother me, . . . itís just, you already have Rachel and Phoebe.† Why would you need Kristen?
MONICA:† I still donít get it.† Kristen and Rachel have already been in and out of shopping trips, lunch dates, movies, and they even had lunch together.† And sheís already friends with Phoebe.† The girls were even acting really hostile towards me for a while because I didnít want to hang out with Kristen.† And now I did and sheís . . . well, sheís fun.† I really like her.
CHANDLER:† (Childish.)† Phoebe and Rachel are fun.
MONICA:† Chandler, how come it never bothered you when I didnít like her and now it bothers you that I do?
CHANDLER:† Well at least before there was a good reason for it not to bother me because you were jealous . . . and that was cool.
MONICA:† (Frowning.)† Iím going to try and pretend I didnít hear that.
CHANDLER:† But now with you guys all hanging out together itís just- itís just really weird you know?
MONICA:† (Pointedly.)† Well if we all kept avoiding each other it would be weirder.
CHANDLER:† You know, sometimes I get the feeling itís never going to stop being weird.
(They stare at each other for a moment.)
JOEY:† (Enters.)† OK, Iím all set.† Iíll be on Leno in no time and you- (points to Chandler) Ėare going to be the one owing me money for a change!† (He smiles victoriously.)
CHANDLER:† Say, Jo.† Did you happen to forget the stamp?
JOEY:† (His smile fades.)† Ahh man!† (He exits, disappointed.)
MONICA+CHANDLER:† (Stare at each other . . . amused.)
MONICA:† Iím going to get going.† Iíve got a lot of things to do today.† (She gets up and makes her way to the door.)
MONICA:† Bye.† (She opens the door, pauses, and turns to Chandler while holding the door.)† Itíll stop being weird, sooner or later.
CHANDLER:† (Turns on the TV.† Itís Party of Five.)
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT (SARAH):† Bailey, things are just so weird between us.† I donít think theyíre ever going to change.
CHANDLER:† (Blink and shuts the TV off.)† OK, thatís enough of that.
(Itís the girlís apartment.† Rachelís sitting on the couch.† The phone is at her side and so is a small carton of chocolate ice cream.)
MONICA:† (Enters.)† Hey Rach, did the demon leave?
RACHEL:† Iím sorry Monica, I was just really upset earlier.
MONICA:† (Sits down next to Rachel.)† Would you care to tell me why?
RACHEL:† If I do, . . . oh my gosh Monica it was just so weird!† I never expected something like that to happen!
MONICA:† (Frowning.)† Like what?
RACHEL:† Well I had taken your advice and just asked Joshua what was up.
MONICA:† And what did he say?
RACHEL:† He said he was just waiting for me to make the first move.
MONICA:† You bought him candles, you rented at least fourteen romances at the video store, you bought him two tons of Hallmark cards, and guys had at least ten romantic dinners!† Iíd say you had put in at least a hundred first moves.
RACHEL:† Well I know that Monica but I didnít want to ruin it all by arguing some more!
MONICA:† So what happened?† Did you?
RACHEL:† Well we were going to, . . . but then I . . . (Drifts of.)
MONICA:† Oh my gosh!† Will you just tell me?!
RACHEL:† (Quickly.)† Well we were kissing and I kind of muttered- Rossís name.
(An awkward silence.)
MONICA:† You what?
RACHEL:† I said Rossís name but it, it didnít mean anything!
MONICA:† How can you say it didnít mean anything!† This is Ross weíre talking about!
RACHEL:† (Putting her hands over her face.)† I know.† I know.† Thatís why Iím so worried!
MONICA:† Well do you care about Ross again?
RACHEL:† He means a lot to me.† Heís still my friend.
MONICA:† You know what I mean Rach.† Do you still think of him- romantically?
RACHEL:† Thatís the thing† . . . I donít know.
(Itís the guyís apartment.† Joey and Phoebe are sitting on the leather chairs, talking.)
JOEY: †Phoebe, thatís crazy.
PHOEBE:† No Iím serious.† Iím not going to have a boyfriend for a while.† Why did I break up with him?
JOEY:† Maybe because he was insane and letís not forget perverted.
PHOEBE:† I donít think you should be judging people about being perverted.
JOEY:† Look, whatever.† The guy was a creep, all right?
PHOEBE:† Maybe so but I could have at least kept him around for a little bit to make me feel better!† I mean, he was gorgeous!† He was nice!† He bought me three breakfasts!
JOEY:† I thought you guys only were together since like yesterday afternoon.
PHOEBE:† (Defensive.)† Hey Iím pregnant!
JOEY:† Well, still Phoebe-
PHOEBE:† (Cutting Joey off.)† Hey there are three kids inside of me right now Joey!† Three!† Thatís three meals for three kids.† I didnít even get to eat anything!
JOEY:† OK, OK donít get all squinky.† (He says ďsquinkyĒ much like Phoebe did in THE ONE WITH RUSS.)
PHOEBE:† (Her mood changes to pleasantly surprised.)† Youíve practicing your words!
JOEY:† (Trying to act modest yet he smiles proudly.)† Kinda.
PHOEBE:† Iíd give you a hug but I donít think I feel like moving right now.
JOEY:† Well, thatís no problem Phoebs, Iíll hug you.† (Gets up.)
PHOEBE:† (Stops him.)† Joey, Iím in my mood where just the thought of touching a human makes me want to puke.
JOEY:† (Sits back down, deflated.)† I didnít think Iíd ever have a female say that about me.
PHOEBE:† Not you . . . human beings.
JOEY:† Oh all right.† (Realizes.)† Hey!
PHOEBE:† (Puts her hand over her mouth.)