THE ONE AFTER RACHEL SAYS ROSS ††(I know- ironic isnít it?)
(Itís the girlís apartment.† Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch in the living room.† Monicaís in the kitchen, at the table eating a salad.)
RACHEL:† Please Phoebe!† I so need your help on this!
PHOEBE:† Oh come on Rach!† Youíre not giving me enough information!† You wonít tell me if youíve all ready gone out with this guy yet, when his birthday is, his sign, his name, or even- even what his butt looks like!† I canít figure out youíre entire romantic future with some guy I never even heard of!
MONICA:† (Smiling knowingly as she lifts the fork to her mouth.)† I wouldnít say that.
RACHEL:† (Gives Monica a dirty look.)
PHOEBE:† Now Rachel-
RACHEL:† (Gives Monica an ďIím going to kill youĒ look.)
MONICA:† (Snickering.)† Nothing.† (She eats another bite of her salad.)
†RACHEL:† Ignore her Phoebs.† Will you help me?
PHOEBE:† No, I need details.
RACHEL:† What, Phoebe!† I hardly ever ask you for anything!
PHOEBE:† So far today youíve asked me to loan you five bucks, to borrow my necklace and my purple nail polish, and, and, oh yeah- to not tell Monica that you didnít do the laundry.
MONICA:† (Stops eating and shoots an angry look at Rachel.)† What, you didnít do the laundry yet?!
RACHEL:† (Looks at Phoebe, her mouth wide open as if she canít believe that Phoebe just did that.)
PHOEBE:† (Mutters.)† She didnít buy some more shampoo either.† (Rachel frowns at Phoebe.)
MONICA:† Rachel!† You know I can only use the mango shampoo on the weekdays!† Todayís Monday!† How am I going to take a shower?!† What am I going to do?† This is all your fault!
PHOEBE:† She also-
RACHEL:† (Cutting Phoebe off.)† OK, OK!† You can shut up now!† Believe me Iíll never ask you for another favor again.
PHOEBE:† Oh, no I want to help!
RACHEL:†† But . . . you said you needed details and-
PHOEBE:† Oh that was just me trying to pry some info.† Just fetch me my tarot cards and weíll be all set.
RACHEL:† But, but, you- Phoebe donít do that!† Itís so mean and so- annoying!
MONICA:††† More annoying than ďwe were on a break?Ē
(Itís the guyís apartment.† Joey and Chandler are playing foosball.)
CHANDLER:† So then what did you do?
JOEY:†† (Sheepishly.)† Well, I, uh- I kicked the directorís car.
CHANDLER:† And how well that proved that you were mature enough to handle the lead role.
JOEY:† Hey Iím mature!† Itís not my fault!† It was his fault!
CHANDLER:† (Smiling mischievously.)† Was not.
JOEY:† Was too-† I see your point.
CHANDLER:† So what happened then?
CHANDLER:† After you kicked his car?
JOEY:† Nothing happened, why would something happen?
CHANDLER:† His car alarm went off, didnít it?
JOEY:† (In disbelief and resentment.)† Dude, were you like there or something?
PHOEBE:† (Enters.)† Do you guys have any brown rice?
CHANDLER:† No, I think weíve got some ketchup and a box with some leftover pizza though.† (He points to a box of pizza thatís sitting on the counter.)
PHOEBE:† No thanks on the ketchup, but I am kind of hungry so . . . (She walks over to the pizza box and opens it.)† (Scolding.)† You guys, all thatís in here is like ten crumbs and a piece of crust!† You ate an entire pizza by yourselves?!
CHANDLER:† (Sheepishly.)† Actually- two.† (He points to another box thatís sitting on Chandlerís leather chair.)
JOEY:† What do you need brown rice for anyway?
PHOEBE:† Oh, itís for Rachel.† Itís to predict if M.M. is her future husband.
PHOEBE:† Well, white rice is traditionally thrown at weddings.† To predict a wedding you need brown rice because it-
JOEY:† Whoís M.M.?
PHOEBE:† Mystery man.
CHANDLER:† And whoís he?
PHOEBE:† She wonít tell me.† Itís OK because after her great-grandmother pays me a visit tonight Iíll know.† So do you have any brown rice?
CHANDLER:† We probably have an a little leftover Chinese food but thatís as close as it comes.
PHOEBE:† Well, one of you go to the grocery store and get me some.
JOEY/CHANDLER:† I donít think so./ Iím pretty busy.
PHOEBE:† Come on you guys!† Itís for Rachel.
CHANDLER:† Weíre still on . . . no.
PHOEBE:† Fine.† (Goes over to the door, and then turns.)† Would you happen to have any red lace or lavender scented candles?
JOEY+CHANDLER:† (Stare at Phoebe.)
CHANDLER:† (Clearing his throat.) Youíre kidding, right?
PHOEBE:† Itís for a love spell.
JOEY:† More for Rachel?
PHOEBE:† No for Monica.† She really needs a guy right now but she totally refuses to go clubbing with me or anything!† I guess the spell will help her out.
CHANDLER:† (Frightened.)† She asked you to do a lo-love spell?
PHOEBE:† No.† Monicaís too stubborn.† But the right guyís out there and if she wonít go find him Iíll have him find her.
JOEY:† So how do you perform this spell?
PHOEBE:† (Shrugs.)† I donít know.† I figured it would come to me by now.† I think red lace and lavender scented candles are very lovey-dovey.† You see Iím kind of conducting my own spells now- you know experimenting.
JOEY:† Well what types of other spells?
PHOEBE:† (Begins to mark down the number of spells on her fingers while saying them.)† OK, there was the one where I tried to change the color of the tomato- didnít work, the one when I tried to make Mars switch places with Saturn- didnít work, and . . . oh yeah, the one where I tried to get Bill Clinton kicked out of office so I that I could become president.
JOEY:† You- You what?
PHOEBE:† Yeah, I know.† Iím still working on that.
PHOEBE:† (Begins to pace back and forth.)† But what else- I canít think of . . . This is so very strange.
CHANDLER:† Stranger than the fact that your shoes donít match?
PHOEBE:† (Looks down at her shoes and then looks up, excited.)† Oh, this is so great!
PHOEBE:† I feel a song coming on!† Quick get me some paper!
JOEY:† I thought you were supposed to be helping Rachel out.
PHOEBE:† Joey, I think that musical history is more important than another one of Rachelís little crushes.† I mean Beethoven never stopped to help out- Cleopatra!†
(Itís a New York City department store.† Rachel, Monica, an Kristen are looking around.)
MONICA:† You know, I still canít believe we are doing this.
RACHEL:† You heard what Phoebe said.† Iíve hurt him in the past so if I want to patch things up I have to get him a meaningful gift.
MONICA:† Well what are you going to get him?
RACHEL:† I donít know- see anything with dinosaurs?
MONICA:† This refrigerator magnet.† (Holds up a small magnet in the shape of a triceratops.)
RACHEL:† No, he all ready has that.
MONICA:† He does?
RACHEL:† Five- actually
KRISTEN:† What about this?†† (She holds up a box of dinosaur stationery.)
RACHEL:† It could work, but he doesnít really write that much.
KRISTEN:† You know, if this guy is so into dinosaurs then he should meet Ross.† Doesnít Ross do something with dinosaurs?
MONICA:† Yeah.† Paleontologist.
KRISTEN:† Oh, I studied Paleontology for like three months in college.† And then I switched my major.
RACHEL:† How come?
KRISTEN:† (Wrinkling her nose.)† It was just too boring.
RACHEL:† You guys!† I give up!† Itís been like two hours and I havenít found anything!
KRISTEN:†† Itís been two hours?† Iíve got to go!
RACHEL:† Well, yeah, thanks.† Thatís comforting.† On top of that a friend is now deserting me.
KRISTEN:† (Squeezes Rachelís shoulder comfortingly.)† Look, Rachel Iím really sorry but Iíve got to catch a ride back to Chandlerís.
MONICA:† Itís a little um- late for lunch.
KRISTEN:† Yeah, I know but weíre watching Baywatch.
RACHEL:† (In disbelief.)† Baywatch?
KRISTEN:† Cute guys running around in tiny bathing suits.† (Joking.)† Could there be a better way to spend some quality time together?
RACHEL:† (Laughs.)† Of course.† (Mock seriousness.)† Especially when you both are um- dating.
KRISTEN:† (Jokingly.)† My point exactly.
MONICA:† (Stands there in silence.)
RACHEL:† You know, I swear you and Chandler are like a match made in heaven.
KRISTEN:† Thanks Rachel.† Bye Monica!†
MONICA:† (Forces a smile.)† Bye.
KRISTEN:† (She waves and walks away.)
RACHEL:† Oh my gosh!† This is perfect!† (She holds up a poster with dinosaurs on it.)
MONICA:† Well, if you guys do get back together and he has it up on his wall at his apartment, you are going to complain about it.
RACHEL:†† (Sighs.)† Maybe I should just get him- a tie or something.
(Itís Rossís apartment- the old one from season four.† We hear a knock on the door.† Ross comes out of his bedroom to go answer it.† Itís Joey.)
JOEY:† Hey man, you ready?
ROSS:† Huh?† Joey what are you doing here?
JOEY:† Tennis. (He holds up his racquet.)
ROSS:† What- we never had plans for tennis!
JOEY:† Dude, you forgot?!
ROSS:† But we didnít, did we?
JOEY:† Sure we did, weíve been planning it for- for years!
ROSS:† OK, I almost believed you until that last comment.
JOEY:† Hey, you donít know!† You forgot!
ROSS:† (Crosses his arms.)† Whatís up Joey?
JOEY:† OK. Iíve got a really hot tennis date right now and I need someone to cover her friend- who decided to tag along.
ROSS:† Well how convenient for you.† To have your lame friend Ross just lying around here in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.† Why donít you just get him to do it?
JOEY:† (Acting relieved.)† Exactly.
ROSS:† No way.† (Begins to close the door.)
JOEY:† (Pushes the door back open.)† Come on man!† Iíd do it for you!† And hey, you donít know, she could be cute!
ROSS:† OK.† Wasnít it like a month ago you came to me with a similar situation and I ended up having dinner with you, your date, and her alcoholic friend?
JOEY:† (Admittingly.)† Yeah, and if you had just bought her ďalcoholic friendĒ that little extra bottle of wine she wanted I might have actually been able to date Elizabeth some more.
ROSS:† OK, goodbye.† (Begins to close the door . . . again.)
JOEY:† OK, look.† You come along with us and Iíll- (reaches into his pocket) give you this- (pulls out a quarter.† He stares at it for a moment and then says: ) this uh, piece of silver!
ROSS:† Donít make me do it again.† (He grabs the door handle.)
JOEY:† Iíll- Iíll, Iíll go see your show thing at the museum that youíve been talking about all week.
ROSS:† You were already going to do that.
JOEY:† (Sheepishly.)† Well, not really.† I was just going to call you at last minute saying I was working late.
ROSS:† Working late on what?
JOEY:† The, the- new play Iím in.
ROSS:† Whatís it called?
JOEY:† I donít know yet.
ROSS:† Now you see, this is where you give up and leave.
JOEY:† OK thatís it.† (He pushes the door to the side and brushes past Ross and turns to face him.)† Now youíre going to come with me or Iíll- Iíll . . .
ROSS:† Youíll what?
JOEY:† (Kneels down and puts his two hands together and begins to beg.)† Please do it man.† You have got to see Sandra!† You canít give up a girl like that!† I canít give up a girl like that!† It would kill me!† You donít want me to die, do you?!
ROSS:† (Mock hesitating.)† Well . . .
JOEY:† Come on, itís Joey!
ROSS:† (Sighs, giving in.)† All right, Iíll go.
JOEY:† All right!† (Gets up.)
ROSS:† But you have to come see all of my museum shows for the rest of the year.
JOEY:† (His smile disappears.)
(Itís Monicaís room.† Itís late at night.† We see Monicaís asleep in her bed.)
PHOEBE:† (Enters.† Sheís carrying a small bag.† She tiptoes around Monicaís bed until she is on the right side.† During this time they will be playing the ďPink PantherĒ theme.† We see Phoebe pull out some red lace from the bag.† She lays it in a straight line on the floor.† She then takes out a purple candle, sets it in the middle of the lace, and lights it.† Finally, she pulls out a bag of pretzels, takes one out of the bag, and breaks it in two.† She sets the two pieces of the pretzel in front of the candle.† She then laughs, in a low voice: )† He, he!† And we are clear for love takeoff.† Sheíll find someone in no time.† (She grabs her bag and gets up.)
MONICA:† (Still sleeping, she mutters: ) Chandler.
PHOEBE:† (Her eyes widen.† Whispering anxiously: )† What did you just say?
MONICA:† (Still sleeping, she repeats, smiling: ) Chandler.
PHOEBE:† (Worried now, whispering loudly.)† Oh no, no, no!† I must have measured the pretzel wrong!† (We now hear her thoughts in her head.)† It canít be, Iíve made her fall in love with, with . . . no, itís too horrible to say.† Oh my gosh!† OK, relax, relax.† Youíll get through this, besides, thereís no way she could be in love with-
MONICA:† (Cutting Phoebe off.)† Chandler.
PHOEBE:† (Slapping her forehead with her hand.† We hear her thoughts again.) What have I done!† I must stop this!† (She goes over to the candle and blows it out.† She eats the pretzel pieces and rolls the red lace into a ball.† She shoves the lace and the candle, put them in the bag, grabs her bag, and makes her way out the door.)
(Itís Central Perk.† We assume itís the next morning.† Ross and Joey are sitting on the couch drinking coffee, Joey on the left and Ross on the right.)
ROSS:† Look, Iím just making that clear to you that I am never doing that again.
JOEY:† Oh come on Ross, it wasnít that bad.
ROSS:† Not that bad?† Joey, you set up with your dateís mom!
JOEY:† I donít know what youíre getting so worked up about.† It thought you like Moms, you sure liked Chandlerís.
ROSS:† (Glares at Joey.)†
RACHEL:† (Enters.† Sheís carrying a shopping bag.)† Hey guys!† (She goes over and takes a seat next Ross, very close.)
ROSS:† (Confused at why sheís sitting so close.)† Hi.
JOEY:† (Stares, at them confused.)
RACHEL:† Iíve got a present for you!† Guess what it is!
JOEY:† (Hopefully.)† A sandwich?
RACHEL: †(Glares at Joey.)† No.
RACHEL:† Ew, no!† Itís for Ross.
ROSS:† (Looks surprised.)
JOEY:† (Disbelief.)† Wait a minute, wait a minute.† You got Ross a present?
RACHEL:† Well- (She leans over to pick up the shopping bag, making sure Ross gets a good view of her leaning over.) ĖI was just shopping with the girls yesterday and I just found this and I- (comes back up)- I just knew you would love it.† (She pulls out a picture book and hands it to Ross.)
ROSS:† (Reading the title.) †The Wide World of Dinosaurs.
RACHEL:† Itís a picture book and the illustrations are pretty cool.† I thought it would be really good for you and Ben to read together, you know?† Show him what his daddyís interested in.† (Stares longingly into Rossís eyes.)
ROSS:† (Staring into Rachelís eyes.)† I- I donít know what to say.† Thatís so- so sweet Rachel.† I canít believe you did this.
RACHEL:† (Smiles shyly.)† Well, I uh- was um, looking at it and it was just so um . . .
(Ross and Rachel stare at each other.)
JOEY:† Uh, hello?
PHOEBE:† (Enters.)† Hey you guys, is Monica here?† (She sits down in the right chair.)
ROSS:† No, why?
PHOEBE:† Well I did something really stupid and I just want to avoid seeing her.† (She grabs a book out of her big purse and begins to read it.)
JOEY/ROSS/RACHEL:† (Stare at each other for as moment.)
RACHEL:† Um, Phoebs?
PHOEBE:† (Lowering her book.)† Yeah?
RACHEL:† What stupid thing did you do?
PHOEBE: Oh, right.† (Puts her book on the table.)† Well, I made her fall in love with Chandler.
ROSS:† You made her what?
PHOEBE:† (In all seriousness.)† I made Monica fall in love with Chandler.
JOEY/ROSS/RACHEL:† (Start laughing hysterically.)
PHOEBE:† You guys!† This isnít funny!† I totally screwed up her life and she is going to kill me once she finds out itís my fault!
JOEY:† Phoebe, do you even get what youíre saying?
RACHEL:† Yeah honey, itís- (covers a giggle) - itís ridiculous!
PHOEBE:† No, itís not!† I put that love spell on Monica and it worked!† Just not the way I wanted it to.
JOEY/ROSS/RACHEL:† (Start laughing again.)
PHOEBE:† OK.† Fine donít believe me.† But Iíd watch out!† I used a screwed up spell once- I can do it again!† And before you know it Joey will be in love with Chandler-
JOEY:† (Looks terrified.)
PHOEBE: -Ross will be in love with me, and Rachel- Rachel- Rachel will be in love with Gunther!
GUNTHER:† (Is at the counter.† He overhears Phoebe and his eyes widen at her last comment.)
ROSS/RACHEL:† (Look shocked.)
PHOEBE:† Not so funny any more, is it?† (Gets up, grabbing her book and her purse.)† Iíll be off now.† Iíve got to undo that last spell and perform some new ones.† (She makes her way to the door, leaving the other guys speechless.† Just as she is opening the door Gunther grabs her arm.)
GUNTHER:† Hereís twenty-five.† (Hands her a twenty-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill.)† Iíll give you anything else you want for some rush delivery on that last one you mentioned.
(Itís Monicaís apartment.† Sheís at the table having breakfast with Kristen, both cereal.† Monicaís on the left, Kristenís across on the right.)
KRISTEN:† So for now it looks like Iím taking fashion designing.† Which is pretty cool.
MONICA:† How can you manage so many classes?
KRISTEN:† Well, Iím pushing off my creative watercolors class to see what fashion designing is like.
MONICA:† But donít you have at least one thing that you like to do more than anything else?
KRISTEN:† Taking photos, I guess.† But that could change?† Who knows?† I could be a really great fashion designer.† Whatís your favorite thing to do?
MONICA:† Clean- err, I mean cook.† Yes, of course, cook.
KRISTEN:† Oh, I used to be a chef.
MONICA:† (Narrows her eyes.)† You what?
KRISTEN:† But I gave that up years ago.† (Sips her orange juice.)
MONICA:† (Frowning at Kristen, that chef-thing obviously bothers her.)
PHOEBE:† (Enters, takes one look at Monica.)† No!† MONICA DONíT KILL HER!
KRISTEN:† (Putting down her glass of orange juice.)† What?
PHOEBE:† (Tries to play it off.)† Oh, um sorry.† I was just um-† Hey, look at that!
KRISTEN:† Look at what?
PHOEBE:† That thing thatís on top of Monica!
MONICA:† (Looks up.)† I donít see anything.
PHOEBE:† Then maybe you need to get your eyes checked.† Come on, Iíll go check them for you.
PHOEBE:† In your room, right now, letís go!
KRISTEN:† (Looks amused.)
PHOEBE:† (Grabs Monica by the hand, pulls her into her room, and shuts the door behind her.)
MONICA:† What- wait- Phoebe!
PHOEBE:† Uh-huh, yeah?
MONICA:† Whatís going on?
PHOEBE:† OK, um, as you already know, you are in love with Chandler.
MONICA:† (Looks shocked and worried.)† No, no Iím not.
PHOEBE:† Oh please, itís written all over you.† And I told the other guys-
MONICA:† You told the other guys that- that I . . .
PHOEBE:† I figure they have a right know.
MONICA:† Phoebe, how could you- how do you know- (stops herself) itís ridiculous.
PHOEBE:† No, itís not.† I came in here last night, I cast the love spell, and-
MONICA:† (Cutting Phoebe off.)† Hold it.† Love spell?
PHOEBE:† Um, yeah.† I sorta, kinda, cast a spell on you . . . and it made you fall in love with Chandler.
MONICA:† Thatís insane!
PHOEBE:† No, I came in here last night while you were sleeping.† I fixed up the lace, the candle, and the pretzels-
MONICA:† (Cutting Phoebe off.)† Pretzels?
PHOEBE:† Yes, but thatís beside the point.† Anyway, the second I was done with the spell you started talking in your sleep and you said ďChandler.Ē
MONICA:† (Understanding now, she calms herself.)† So I said ďChandler.Ē† Big deal.† It probably was just some stupid dream with all of us hanging out at Central Perk or something.
PHOEBE:† Not the way you said it.
MONICA:† Whatever, it was just a stupid dream!
PHOEBE:† Well if youíre not in love with Chandler then who are you in love with?
(The girlís apartment.† While Monica and Phoebe are arguing, Kristenís finishing off her cereal.)
KRISTEN:† (Putting her bowl and glass by the sink.)† Hey guys!
ROSS/RACHEL/JOEY:† Hi./Hey Kristen/ How you doiní?
RACHEL:† (Hits Joeyís arm.)
KRISTEN:† (Moves towards the door.)† I hate to leave but Iíve got some classes so- (Shrugs.)† what Ďcha gonna do?† Iíve also got to go say goodbye to Chandler before he goes to work.† Bye!† (She exits.)
ROSS/RACHEL/:† Bye./See you later.
JOEY:† (Opens the door, following Kristen.)
ROSS:† Where are you going?
JOEY:† Back to sleep, Iím tired.† (He exits.)
(Ross and Rachel stare at each other for a moment.)
ROSS:† So I never really got to thank you for um . . . (holds up the book.)
RACHEL:† Yes, you did.† (She goes over to the kitchen table and takes a seat- the right one.)
ROSS:† No, but really Rachel.† This was just (Takes a seat next to her.) so great.† I still canít believe you did it.
RACHEL:† (Smiles.)† It was, wasnít it?
(They stare at each other for a moment.† Rachel reaches over and grabs Rossís hands.† She scoots her chair a bit and then stares into his eyes.† She moves in towards him.† Theyíre faces are very close and she moves her right hand to his left shoulder.)
ROSS:† (Before Rachel can kiss him.)† Iíve got to go to work.† (Gets up and makes his way to the door.)
RACHEL:† (Gets up and follows him.† She puts her hand on his arm as he grabs the door handle.)† Right now?
ROSS:† Yeah.† (He stares at Rachel for a moment.)† Do you have anything to do tonight?
ROSS:† Do you want to um- do something with, with me?
RACHEL:† Yeah, uh, what about the other guys?
ROSS:† Well, if you want them to come they could but- we never really do anything by ourselves, you know?† Maybe we could go see a movie or go to dinner.† Because weíre, well, we are friends.
RACHEL:† (Nods.)† Yes, of course, weíre friends.
(They stare at each other again.)†††
MONICA:† (Emerging from her room, frustrated.)† Phoebe, I am not in LOVE WITH CHANDLER!
PHOEBE:† You know, denial is the first sign.
MONICA:† (Goes into the bathroom.)† I need some Tylenol.
PHOEBE:† (Follows her.)
MONICA:† And there is no way you are coming in here!† (Shuts the door.)
ROSS:† I guess thatís my cue to go.† Bye Rach, bye Phoebs!† (He exits.)
RACHEL:† (Stares at the door.)
RACHEL:† (Stares at the door.)
RACHEL:† (Stares at the door.)
PHOEBE:† Earth to Rachel?
RACHEL:† (Turns to Phoebe.)† Yeah?
PHOEBE:† What is the matter with you?† Have you finally joined us on this planet?
RACHEL:† Yes, I have but have you?
PHOEBE:† That wasnít funny.
MONICA:† (From the bathroom.)† HA! HA! HA!
(Itís the guyís apartment.† Joey and Chandler are in their leather chairs.† Kristenís in one of the bar chairs next to them.† Theyíre all eating popcorn.)
CHANDLER:† So what youíre telling me is that you want me to double date with you, even though I already have a hot girlfriend?
CHANDLER:† So all that I would have been getting out of it was just the pleasure of doing a favor for you?
JOEY:† Yeah.† So what do you say?
CHANDLER:† Man, are you kidding me?
JOEY:† Come on, please!
CHANDLER:† Hey, I have no reason to.† In fact Kristen probably has a problem with me going out with another girl anyway, right Kristen?
KRISTEN:† Do whatever you want.† Just donít sleep with her.
JOEY:† (Stares at Kristen in amazement.)† Now Iím telling you this girl is my soul mate.
JOEY:† What?† Letís not forget you and Kathy.
CHANDLER:† That was completely different, it-
KRISTEN:† You, guys! Shh!† Itís on. (Baywatch comes on the screen.)
JOEY:† And thereís Yasmine.
KRISTEN:† Shh!† Theyíre running.
JOEY:† (Stares at Kristen and then turns to Chandler.)† Now are you sure you really need a girlfriend right now?