By Alyssa (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)

I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom FRIENDS.

This fanfic supposedly takes place after THE ONE WITH PHOEBE’S DOCTOR.  Well Tate Donovan’s gone . . . (obviously) so Joshua is out of the picture.  All of the Ross and Rachel fans may cheer now!  J  As for the Chandler and Monica fans, bummer.  Sarah Paulson’s still here as Kristen.  L  You may have noticed that in my last fanfic, I really didn’t give David Schwimmer as many lines as the rest the cast.  I apologize for that.  I’ll make up for it in the next few fanfics.  And now, on with the show!  Suggestions, comments, everything’s welcome.  Write me at Joya_Preciosa@hotmail.com

 

THE ONE AFTER RACHEL SAYS ROSS   (I know- ironic isn’t it?)

 

SCENE A:

(It’s the girl’s apartment.  Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch in the living room.  Monica’s in the kitchen, at the table eating a salad.)

RACHEL:  Please Phoebe!  I so need your help on this!

PHOEBE:  Oh come on Rach!  You’re not giving me enough information!  You won’t tell me if you’ve all ready gone out with this guy yet, when his birthday is, his sign, his name, or even- even what his butt looks like!  I can’t figure out you’re entire romantic future with some guy I never even heard of!

MONICA:  (Smiling knowingly as she lifts the fork to her mouth.)  I wouldn’t say that.

RACHEL:  (Gives Monica a dirty look.)

PHOEBE:  Now Rachel-

MONICA:  Lobsters!

RACHEL:  (Gives Monica an “I’m going to kill you” look.)

PHOEBE:  What?

MONICA:  (Snickering.)  Nothing.  (She eats another bite of her salad.)

 RACHEL:  Ignore her Phoebs.  Will you help me?

PHOEBE:  No, I need details.

RACHEL:  What, Phoebe!  I hardly ever ask you for anything!

PHOEBE:  So far today you’ve asked me to loan you five bucks, to borrow my necklace and my purple nail polish, and, and, oh yeah- to not tell Monica that you didn’t do the laundry.

MONICA:  (Stops eating and shoots an angry look at Rachel.)  What, you didn’t do the laundry yet?!

RACHEL:  (Looks at Phoebe, her mouth wide open as if she can’t believe that Phoebe just did that.)

PHOEBE:  (Mutters.)  She didn’t buy some more shampoo either.  (Rachel frowns at Phoebe.)

MONICA:  Rachel!  You know I can only use the mango shampoo on the weekdays!  Today’s Monday!  How am I going to take a shower?!  What am I going to do?  This is all your fault!

PHOEBE:  She also-

RACHEL:  (Cutting Phoebe off.)  OK, OK!  You can shut up now!  Believe me I’ll never ask you for another favor again.

PHOEBE:  Oh, no I want to help!

RACHEL:   But . . . you said you needed details and-

PHOEBE:  Oh that was just me trying to pry some info.  Just fetch me my tarot cards and we’ll be all set.

RACHEL:  But, but, you- Phoebe don’t do that!  It’s so mean and so- annoying!

MONICA:    More annoying than “we were on a break?”

OPENING CREDITS

SCENE B:

(It’s the guy’s apartment.  Joey and Chandler are playing foosball.)

CHANDLER:  So then what did you do?

JOEY:   (Sheepishly.)  Well, I, uh- I kicked the director’s car.

CHANDLER:  And how well that proved that you were mature enough to handle the lead role.

JOEY:  Hey I’m mature!  It’s not my fault!  It was his fault!

CHANDLER:  (Smiling mischievously.)  Was not.

JOEY:  Was too-  I see your point.

CHANDLER:  So what happened then?

JOEY:  Huh?

CHANDLER:  After you kicked his car?

JOEY:  Nothing happened, why would something happen?

CHANDLER:  His car alarm went off, didn’t it?

JOEY:  (In disbelief and resentment.)  Dude, were you like there or something?

PHOEBE:  (Enters.)  Do you guys have any brown rice?

CHANDLER:  No, I think we’ve got some ketchup and a box with some leftover pizza though.  (He points to a box of pizza that’s sitting on the counter.)

PHOEBE:  No thanks on the ketchup, but I am kind of hungry so . . . (She walks over to the pizza box and opens it.)  (Scolding.)  You guys, all that’s in here is like ten crumbs and a piece of crust!  You ate an entire pizza by yourselves?!

CHANDLER:  (Sheepishly.)  Actually- two.  (He points to another box that’s sitting on Chandler’s leather chair.)

JOEY:  What do you need brown rice for anyway?

PHOEBE:  Oh, it’s for Rachel.  It’s to predict if M.M. is her future husband.

CHANDLER:  What?

PHOEBE:  Well, white rice is traditionally thrown at weddings.  To predict a wedding you need brown rice because it-

JOEY:  Who’s M.M.?

PHOEBE:  Mystery man.

CHANDLER:  And who’s he?

PHOEBE:  She won’t tell me.  It’s OK because after her great-grandmother pays me a visit tonight I’ll know.  So do you have any brown rice?

CHANDLER:  We probably have an a little leftover Chinese food but that’s as close as it comes.

PHOEBE:  Well, one of you go to the grocery store and get me some.

JOEY/CHANDLER:  I don’t think so./ I’m pretty busy.

PHOEBE:  Come on you guys!  It’s for Rachel.

CHANDLER:  We’re still on . . . no.

PHOEBE:  Fine.  (Goes over to the door, and then turns.)  Would you happen to have any red lace or lavender scented candles?

JOEY+CHANDLER:  (Stare at Phoebe.)

CHANDLER:  (Clearing his throat.) You’re kidding, right?

PHOEBE:  It’s for a love spell.

JOEY:  More for Rachel?

PHOEBE:  No for Monica.  She really needs a guy right now but she totally refuses to go clubbing with me or anything!  I guess the spell will help her out.

CHANDLER:  (Frightened.)  She asked you to do a lo-love spell?

PHOEBE:  No.  Monica’s too stubborn.  But the right guy’s out there and if she won’t go find him I’ll have him find her.

JOEY:  So how do you perform this spell?

PHOEBE:  (Shrugs.)  I don’t know.  I figured it would come to me by now.  I think red lace and lavender scented candles are very lovey-dovey.  You see I’m kind of conducting my own spells now- you know experimenting.

JOEY:  Well what types of other spells?

PHOEBE:  (Begins to mark down the number of spells on her fingers while saying them.)  OK, there was the one where I tried to change the color of the tomato- didn’t work, the one when I tried to make Mars switch places with Saturn- didn’t work, and . . . oh yeah, the one where I tried to get Bill Clinton kicked out of office so I that I could become president.

JOEY:  You- You what?

PHOEBE:  Yeah, I know.  I’m still working on that.

PHOEBE:  (Begins to pace back and forth.)  But what else- I can’t think of . . . This is so very strange.

CHANDLER:  Stranger than the fact that your shoes don’t match?

PHOEBE:  (Looks down at her shoes and then looks up, excited.)  Oh, this is so great!

CHANDLER:  Huh?

PHOEBE:  I feel a song coming on!  Quick get me some paper!

JOEY:  I thought you were supposed to be helping Rachel out.

PHOEBE:  Joey, I think that musical history is more important than another one of Rachel’s little crushes.  I mean Beethoven never stopped to help out- Cleopatra! 

SCENE C:

(It’s a New York City department store.  Rachel, Monica, an Kristen are looking around.)

MONICA:  You know, I still can’t believe we are doing this.

RACHEL:  You heard what Phoebe said.  I’ve hurt him in the past so if I want to patch things up I have to get him a meaningful gift.

MONICA:  Well what are you going to get him?

RACHEL:  I don’t know- see anything with dinosaurs?

MONICA:  This refrigerator magnet.  (Holds up a small magnet in the shape of a triceratops.)

RACHEL:  No, he all ready has that.

MONICA:  He does?

RACHEL:  Five- actually

KRISTEN:  What about this?   (She holds up a box of dinosaur stationery.)

RACHEL:  It could work, but he doesn’t really write that much.

KRISTEN:  You know, if this guy is so into dinosaurs then he should meet Ross.  Doesn’t Ross do something with dinosaurs?

MONICA:  Yeah.  Paleontologist.

KRISTEN:  Oh, I studied Paleontology for like three months in college.  And then I switched my major.

RACHEL:  How come?

KRISTEN:  (Wrinkling her nose.)  It was just too boring.

RACHEL:  You guys!  I give up!  It’s been like two hours and I haven’t found anything!

KRISTEN:   It’s been two hours?  I’ve got to go!

RACHEL:  Well, yeah, thanks.  That’s comforting.  On top of that a friend is now deserting me.

KRISTEN:  (Squeezes Rachel’s shoulder comfortingly.)  Look, Rachel I’m really sorry but I’ve got to catch a ride back to Chandler’s.

MONICA:  It’s a little um- late for lunch.

KRISTEN:  Yeah, I know but we’re watching Baywatch.

RACHEL:  (In disbelief.)  Baywatch?

KRISTEN:  Cute guys running around in tiny bathing suits.  (Joking.)  Could there be a better way to spend some quality time together?

RACHEL:  (Laughs.)  Of course.  (Mock seriousness.)  Especially when you both are um- dating.

KRISTEN:  (Jokingly.)  My point exactly.

MONICA:  (Stands there in silence.)

RACHEL:  You know, I swear you and Chandler are like a match made in heaven.

MONICA:  (Stiffens.)

KRISTEN:  Thanks Rachel.  Bye Monica! 

MONICA:  (Forces a smile.)  Bye.

KRISTEN:  (She waves and walks away.)

RACHEL:  Oh my gosh!  This is perfect!  (She holds up a poster with dinosaurs on it.)

MONICA:  Well, if you guys do get back together and he has it up on his wall at his apartment, you are going to complain about it.

RACHEL:   (Sighs.)  Maybe I should just get him- a tie or something.

SCENE D:

(It’s Ross’s apartment- the old one from season four.  We hear a knock on the door.  Ross comes out of his bedroom to go answer it.  It’s Joey.)

JOEY:  Hey man, you ready?

ROSS:  Huh?  Joey what are you doing here?

JOEY:  Tennis. (He holds up his racquet.)

ROSS:  What- we never had plans for tennis!

JOEY:  Dude, you forgot?!

ROSS:  But we didn’t, did we?

JOEY:  Sure we did, we’ve been planning it for- for years!

ROSS:  OK, I almost believed you until that last comment.

JOEY:  Hey, you don’t know!  You forgot!

ROSS:  (Crosses his arms.)  What’s up Joey?

JOEY:  OK. I’ve got a really hot tennis date right now and I need someone to cover her friend- who decided to tag along.

ROSS:  Well how convenient for you.  To have your lame friend Ross just lying around here in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.  Why don’t you just get him to do it?

JOEY:  (Acting relieved.)  Exactly.

ROSS:  No way.  (Begins to close the door.)

JOEY:  (Pushes the door back open.)  Come on man!  I’d do it for you!  And hey, you don’t know, she could be cute!

ROSS:  OK.  Wasn’t it like a month ago you came to me with a similar situation and I ended up having dinner with you, your date, and her alcoholic friend?

JOEY:  (Admittingly.)  Yeah, and if you had just bought her “alcoholic friend” that little extra bottle of wine she wanted I might have actually been able to date Elizabeth some more.

ROSS:  OK, goodbye.  (Begins to close the door . . . again.)

JOEY:  OK, look.  You come along with us and I’ll- (reaches into his pocket) give you this- (pulls out a quarter.  He stares at it for a moment and then says: ) this uh, piece of silver!

ROSS:  Don’t make me do it again.  (He grabs the door handle.)

JOEY:  I’ll- I’ll, I’ll go see your show thing at the museum that you’ve been talking about all week.

ROSS:  You were already going to do that.

JOEY:  (Sheepishly.)  Well, not really.  I was just going to call you at last minute saying I was working late.

ROSS:  Working late on what?

JOEY:  The, the- new play I’m in.

ROSS:  What’s it called?

JOEY:  I don’t know yet.

ROSS:  Now you see, this is where you give up and leave.

JOEY:  OK that’s it.  (He pushes the door to the side and brushes past Ross and turns to face him.)  Now you’re going to come with me or I’ll- I’ll . . .

ROSS:  You’ll what?

JOEY:  (Kneels down and puts his two hands together and begins to beg.)  Please do it man.  You have got to see Sandra!  You can’t give up a girl like that!  I can’t give up a girl like that!  It would kill me!  You don’t want me to die, do you?!

ROSS:  (Mock hesitating.)  Well . . .

JOEY:  Come on, it’s Joey!

ROSS:  (Sighs, giving in.)  All right, I’ll go.

JOEY:  All right!  (Gets up.)

ROSS:  But you have to come see all of my museum shows for the rest of the year.

JOEY:  (His smile disappears.)

SCENE E:

(It’s Monica’s room.  It’s late at night.  We see Monica’s asleep in her bed.)

PHOEBE:  (Enters.  She’s carrying a small bag.  She tiptoes around Monica’s bed until she is on the right side.  During this time they will be playing the “Pink Panther” theme.  We see Phoebe pull out some red lace from the bag.  She lays it in a straight line on the floor.  She then takes out a purple candle, sets it in the middle of the lace, and lights it.  Finally, she pulls out a bag of pretzels, takes one out of the bag, and breaks it in two.  She sets the two pieces of the pretzel in front of the candle.  She then laughs, in a low voice: )  He, he!  And we are clear for love takeoff.  She’ll find someone in no time.  (She grabs her bag and gets up.)

MONICA:  (Still sleeping, she mutters: ) Chandler.

PHOEBE:  (Her eyes widen.  Whispering anxiously: )  What did you just say?

MONICA:  (Still sleeping, she repeats, smiling: ) Chandler.

PHOEBE:  (Worried now, whispering loudly.)  Oh no, no, no!  I must have measured the pretzel wrong!  (We now hear her thoughts in her head.)  It can’t be, I’ve made her fall in love with, with . . . no, it’s too horrible to say.  Oh my gosh!  OK, relax, relax.  You’ll get through this, besides, there’s no way she could be in love with-

MONICA:  (Cutting Phoebe off.)  Chandler.

PHOEBE:  (Slapping her forehead with her hand.  We hear her thoughts again.) What have I done!  I must stop this!  (She goes over to the candle and blows it out.  She eats the pretzel pieces and rolls the red lace into a ball.  She shoves the lace and the candle, put them in the bag, grabs her bag, and makes her way out the door.)

SCENE F:

(It’s Central Perk.  We assume it’s the next morning.  Ross and Joey are sitting on the couch drinking coffee, Joey on the left and Ross on the right.)

ROSS:  Look, I’m just making that clear to you that I am never doing that again.

JOEY:  Oh come on Ross, it wasn’t that bad.

ROSS:  Not that bad?  Joey, you set up with your date’s mom!

JOEY:  I don’t know what you’re getting so worked up about.  It thought you like Moms, you sure liked Chandler’s.

ROSS:  (Glares at Joey.) 

RACHEL:  (Enters.  She’s carrying a shopping bag.)  Hey guys!  (She goes over and takes a seat next Ross, very close.)

ROSS:  (Confused at why she’s sitting so close.)  Hi.

JOEY:  (Stares, at them confused.)

RACHEL:  I’ve got a present for you!  Guess what it is!

JOEY:  (Hopefully.)  A sandwich?

RACHEL:  (Glares at Joey.)  No.

JOEY:  Porn?

RACHEL:  Ew, no!  It’s for Ross.

ROSS:  (Looks surprised.)

JOEY:  (Disbelief.)  Wait a minute, wait a minute.  You got Ross a present?

RACHEL:  Uh-huh.

ROSS:  Why?

RACHEL:  Well- (She leans over to pick up the shopping bag, making sure Ross gets a good view of her leaning over.) –I was just shopping with the girls yesterday and I just found this and I- (comes back up)- I just knew you would love it.  (She pulls out a picture book and hands it to Ross.)

ROSS:  (Reading the title.)  The Wide World of Dinosaurs.

RACHEL:  It’s a picture book and the illustrations are pretty cool.  I thought it would be really good for you and Ben to read together, you know?  Show him what his daddy’s interested in.  (Stares longingly into Ross’s eyes.)

ROSS:  (Staring into Rachel’s eyes.)  I- I don’t know what to say.  That’s so- so sweet Rachel.  I can’t believe you did this.

RACHEL:  (Smiles shyly.)  Well, I uh- was um, looking at it and it was just so um . . .

(Ross and Rachel stare at each other.)

JOEY:  Uh, hello?

PHOEBE:  (Enters.)  Hey you guys, is Monica here?  (She sits down in the right chair.)

ROSS:  No, why?

PHOEBE:  Well I did something really stupid and I just want to avoid seeing her.  (She grabs a book out of her big purse and begins to read it.)

JOEY/ROSS/RACHEL:  (Stare at each other for as moment.)

RACHEL:  Um, Phoebs?

PHOEBE:  (Lowering her book.)  Yeah?

RACHEL:  What stupid thing did you do?

PHOEBE: Oh, right.  (Puts her book on the table.)  Well, I made her fall in love with Chandler.

ROSS:  You made her what?

PHOEBE:  (In all seriousness.)  I made Monica fall in love with Chandler.

JOEY/ROSS/RACHEL:  (Start laughing hysterically.)

PHOEBE:  You guys!  This isn’t funny!  I totally screwed up her life and she is going to kill me once she finds out it’s my fault!

JOEY:  Phoebe, do you even get what you’re saying?

RACHEL:  Yeah honey, it’s- (covers a giggle) - it’s ridiculous!

PHOEBE:  No, it’s not!  I put that love spell on Monica and it worked!  Just not the way I wanted it to.

JOEY/ROSS/RACHEL:  (Start laughing again.)

PHOEBE:  OK.  Fine don’t believe me.  But I’d watch out!  I used a screwed up spell once- I can do it again!  And before you know it Joey will be in love with Chandler-

JOEY:  (Looks terrified.)

PHOEBE: -Ross will be in love with me, and Rachel- Rachel- Rachel will be in love with Gunther!

GUNTHER:  (Is at the counter.  He overhears Phoebe and his eyes widen at her last comment.)

ROSS/RACHEL:  (Look shocked.)

PHOEBE:  Not so funny any more, is it?  (Gets up, grabbing her book and her purse.)  I’ll be off now.  I’ve got to undo that last spell and perform some new ones.  (She makes her way to the door, leaving the other guys speechless.  Just as she is opening the door Gunther grabs her arm.)

GUNTHER:  Here’s twenty-five.  (Hands her a twenty-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill.)  I’ll give you anything else you want for some rush delivery on that last one you mentioned.

SCENE G:

(It’s Monica’s apartment.  She’s at the table having breakfast with Kristen, both cereal.  Monica’s on the left, Kristen’s across on the right.)

KRISTEN:  So for now it looks like I’m taking fashion designing.  Which is pretty cool.

MONICA:  How can you manage so many classes?

KRISTEN:  Well, I’m pushing off my creative watercolors class to see what fashion designing is like.

MONICA:  But don’t you have at least one thing that you like to do more than anything else?

KRISTEN:  Taking photos, I guess.  But that could change?  Who knows?  I could be a really great fashion designer.  What’s your favorite thing to do?

MONICA:  Clean- err, I mean cook.  Yes, of course, cook.

KRISTEN:  Oh, I used to be a chef.

MONICA:  (Narrows her eyes.)  You what?

KRISTEN:  But I gave that up years ago.  (Sips her orange juice.)

MONICA:  (Frowning at Kristen, that chef-thing obviously bothers her.)

PHOEBE:  (Enters, takes one look at Monica.)  No!  MONICA DON’T KILL HER!

MONICA:  What?

KRISTEN:  (Putting down her glass of orange juice.)  What?

PHOEBE:  (Tries to play it off.)  Oh, um sorry.  I was just um-  Hey, look at that!

KRISTEN:  Look at what?

PHOEBE:  That thing that’s on top of Monica!

MONICA:  (Looks up.)  I don’t see anything.

PHOEBE:  Then maybe you need to get your eyes checked.  Come on, I’ll go check them for you.

MONICA:  What?

PHOEBE:  In your room, right now, let’s go!

KRISTEN:  (Looks amused.)

PHOEBE:  (Grabs Monica by the hand, pulls her into her room, and shuts the door behind her.)

MONICA:  What- wait- Phoebe!

PHOEBE:  Uh-huh, yeah?

MONICA:  What’s going on?

PHOEBE:  OK, um, as you already know, you are in love with Chandler.

MONICA:  (Looks shocked and worried.)  No, no I’m not.

PHOEBE:  Oh please, it’s written all over you.  And I told the other guys-

MONICA:  You told the other guys that- that I . . .

PHOEBE:  I figure they have a right know.

MONICA:  Phoebe, how could you- how do you know- (stops herself) it’s ridiculous.

PHOEBE:  No, it’s not.  I came in here last night, I cast the love spell, and-

MONICA:  (Cutting Phoebe off.)  Hold it.  Love spell?

PHOEBE:  Um, yeah.  I sorta, kinda, cast a spell on you . . . and it made you fall in love with Chandler.

MONICA:  That’s insane!

PHOEBE:  No, I came in here last night while you were sleeping.  I fixed up the lace, the candle, and the pretzels-

MONICA:  (Cutting Phoebe off.)  Pretzels?

PHOEBE:  Yes, but that’s beside the point.  Anyway, the second I was done with the spell you started talking in your sleep and you said “Chandler.”

MONICA:  (Understanding now, she calms herself.)  So I said “Chandler.”  Big deal.  It probably was just some stupid dream with all of us hanging out at Central Perk or something.

PHOEBE:  Not the way you said it.

MONICA:  Whatever, it was just a stupid dream!

PHOEBE:  Well if you’re not in love with Chandler then who are you in love with?

SCENE H:

(The girl’s apartment.  While Monica and Phoebe are arguing, Kristen’s finishing off her cereal.)

ROSS/RACHEL/JOEY:  (Enter.)

KRISTEN:  (Putting her bowl and glass by the sink.)  Hey guys!

ROSS/RACHEL/JOEY:  Hi./Hey Kristen/ How you doin’?

RACHEL:  (Hits Joey’s arm.)

KRISTEN:  (Moves towards the door.)  I hate to leave but I’ve got some classes so- (Shrugs.)  what ‘cha gonna do?  I’ve also got to go say goodbye to Chandler before he goes to work.  Bye!  (She exits.)

ROSS/RACHEL/:  Bye./See you later.

JOEY:  (Opens the door, following Kristen.)

ROSS:  Where are you going?

JOEY:  Back to sleep, I’m tired.  (He exits.)

(Ross and Rachel stare at each other for a moment.)

ROSS:  So I never really got to thank you for um . . . (holds up the book.)

RACHEL:  Yes, you did.  (She goes over to the kitchen table and takes a seat- the right one.)

ROSS:  No, but really Rachel.  This was just (Takes a seat next to her.) so great.  I still can’t believe you did it.

RACHEL:  (Smiles.)  It was, wasn’t it?

ROSS:  (Nods.)

(They stare at each other for a moment.  Rachel reaches over and grabs Ross’s hands.  She scoots her chair a bit and then stares into his eyes.  She moves in towards him.  They’re faces are very close and she moves her right hand to his left shoulder.)

ROSS:  (Before Rachel can kiss him.)  I’ve got to go to work.  (Gets up and makes his way to the door.)

RACHEL:  (Gets up and follows him.  She puts her hand on his arm as he grabs the door handle.)  Right now?

ROSS:  Yeah.  (He stares at Rachel for a moment.)  Do you have anything to do tonight?

RACHEL:  No.

ROSS:  Do you want to um- do something with, with me?

RACHEL:  Yeah, uh, what about the other guys?

ROSS:  Well, if you want them to come they could but- we never really do anything by ourselves, you know?  Maybe we could go see a movie or go to dinner.  Because we’re, well, we are friends.

RACHEL:  (Nods.)  Yes, of course, we’re friends.

(They stare at each other again.)   

MONICA:  (Emerging from her room, frustrated.)  Phoebe, I am not in LOVE WITH CHANDLER!

PHOEBE:  You know, denial is the first sign.

MONICA:  (Goes into the bathroom.)  I need some Tylenol.

PHOEBE:  (Follows her.)

MONICA:  And there is no way you are coming in here!  (Shuts the door.)

ROSS:  I guess that’s my cue to go.  Bye Rach, bye Phoebs!  (He exits.)

RACHEL:  (Stares at the door.)

PHOEBE:  Rachel?

RACHEL:  (Stares at the door.)

PHOEBE:  Rachel?

RACHEL:  (Stares at the door.)

PHOEBE:  Earth to Rachel?

RACHEL:  (Turns to Phoebe.)  Yeah?

PHOEBE:  What is the matter with you?  Have you finally joined us on this planet?

RACHEL:  Yes, I have but have you?

PHOEBE:  That wasn’t funny.

MONICA:  (From the bathroom.)  HA! HA! HA!

SCENE I:

(It’s the guy’s apartment.  Joey and Chandler are in their leather chairs.  Kristen’s in one of the bar chairs next to them.  They’re all eating popcorn.)

CHANDLER:  So what you’re telling me is that you want me to double date with you, even though I already have a hot girlfriend?

JOEY:  Right.

CHANDLER:  So all that I would have been getting out of it was just the pleasure of doing a favor for you?

JOEY:  Yeah.  So what do you say?

CHANDLER:  Man, are you kidding me?

JOEY:  Come on, please!

CHANDLER:  Hey, I have no reason to.  In fact Kristen probably has a problem with me going out with another girl anyway, right Kristen?

KRISTEN:  Do whatever you want.  Just don’t sleep with her.

JOEY:  (Stares at Kristen in amazement.)  Now I’m telling you this girl is my soul mate.

CHANDLER:  Dude!

JOEY:  What?  Let’s not forget you and Kathy.

CHANDLER:  That was completely different, it-

KRISTEN:  You, guys! Shh!  It’s on. (Baywatch comes on the screen.)

JOEY:  And there’s Yasmine.

CHANDLER:  Yes!

KRISTEN:  Shh!  They’re running.

JOEY:  (Stares at Kristen and then turns to Chandler.)  Now are you sure you really need a girlfriend right now?