By Alyssa (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)

I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom FRIENDS.

This fanfic supposedly takes place after ďThe One After Rachel Says Ross.ĒSarah Paulsonís back as Kristen.This fanfic revolves around tension between Ross and Rachel and Chandler and Monica.Comments, suggestions, and anything else are all welcome.Write me at Joya_Preciosa@hotmail.com

 

THE ONE WHERE JOEY CANíT SLEEP

 

Scene A:

(Itís the guyís apartment- Chandlerís room.)

CHANDLER:(Is asleep.)

JOEY:(Enters.He goes over to Chandler and taps him on the shoulder.)

CHANDLER:(Wakes up, looks at Joey quickly, relaxes, and then looks back up again, confused and grumpy.)Joey, what the hell are you doing here?

JOEY:(Like a child.)I canít sleep.

CHANDLER:Why donít you go take some drugs or something?There are sleeping pills in the bathroom.

JOEY:(Still like a child.)I canít swallow pills- theyíre, theyíre too big.

CHANDLER:Well, canít you just find something to do?Why donít you watch some TV or something?

JOEY:Dude, thereís nothing on!

CHANDLER:Go bug the girls then!

JOEY:I did.Rachel threw a pillow at me and Monica hit me!

CHANDLER:Maybe itís because people donít like being waken up at- (Looks at his clock.) Ėthree oíclock in the morning!

JOEY:(Whining.)But Iím bored!

CHANDLER:Go bother someone else!Go over to Phoebeís!

JOEY:Iím not gonna bother a pregnant woman this late!

CHANDLER:You mean early.Oh my gosh, I never thought Iíd actually say this but I wish I was pregnant!

JOEY:Come on man!Iím bored out my mind here!

CHANDLER:Go to Ross!

JOEY:Yeah, right.The last person I want to talk to when Iím bored is Ross.

SCENE B:

(Itís Central Perk.The whole gang is there + Kristen.Monicaís in the right chair and Joeyís in the left.In this order from left to right, Chandler, Kristen, Ross, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.Phoebeís hanging out near Joey on the closest chair by the counter.)

PHOEBE:(To Joey.)Whatís the matter with you, you look awful!

JOEY:Itís so weird- I canít sleep.

CHANDLER:Yes and heís striving to make sure no one else does either.

PHOEBE:What do you mean?

RACHEL:He means Joey was scaring the hell out of me in the middle of the night.

MONICA:And me.

CHANDLER:Which is why Iím staying over at Kristenís tonight.

KRISTEN:And do you know what today is?

CHANDLER:What?

KRISTEN:Our two-month anniversary.We should like- go do something different.Do you want to go to Rhode Island?

CHANDLER:What?

KRISTEN:No itíll be fun, we can just take off.Iíll rent a car and weíll go and just sleep at the first crappy motel we find.What do you say?

PHOEBE:Why donít we just all go out to dinner tonight?

CHANDLER:You want to do that?

PHOEBE:Yeah, to celebrate the fact that nobody can believe youíve made it this far with Kristen.

CHANDLER:Now that makes me feel good.

KRISTEN:†† So weíre going to dinner?

CHANDLER:I guess so.

KRISTEN:What about we go to Rhode Island afterwards?

MONICA:(Clearing her throat.)You know what guys; I donít think Iíll be able to make it to dinner.

ROSS:How come?

MONICA:Well I um, kinda, have a date.

CHANDLER:(Looks surprised.)

RACHEL:Wait a minute, why didnít I find out about this?

MONICA:Well, it he just asked me out earlier today.

PHOEBE:So whatís his name?

MONICA:Uh- Jaime.

RACHEL:So is he cute, whatís he look like?

KRISTEN:Tall, dark, and handsome?

MONICA:You could say that.Heís got, um, the most adorable eyes.Theyíre like a- puppy dogís eyes.

CHANDLER:(Is uncomfortable.)

RACHEL:No, that would be Ross.

ROSS:Oh, stop.Hey, donít we have to catch that movie?We better hurry because afterwards weíve got to be going to dinner.

RACHEL:Oh, right!(She gets up and makes her way to the door.)

ROSS:(Follows Rachel out.)

ROSS/RACHEL:Bye!/See you later!

ROSS+RACHEL:(Exit.)

KRISTEN:Were they flirting or something?

PHOEBE:Thatís what it looked like.

KRISTEN:I actually think they would make an adorable couple.Ross and Rachel, itís sweet.

MONICA:Well, actually they did date.And once they fought and broke up-

CHANDLER:(Cutting Monica off.) Twice.

MONICA:We got to see the not so cute side.

CHANDLER:You know, they have been spending a lot of extra time together lately.

MONICA:You donít think that theyíre . . . sealing the deal- again, do you?

CHANDLER:If it did happen theyíd tell us about it.

PHOEBE:Have you guys noticed that Joey hasnít blinked since he last spoke?Heís just staring straight ahead!Itís creepy.

CHANDLER:Joey . . .

JOEY:(Turns to Chandler slowly.)

CHANDLER:Would you like me to get you some Nyquil?

JOEY:Thereís no need.I figured out the problem.

PHOEBE:Oh yeah, what is it?

JOEY:I just havenít been having as much sex as I used to.Iím going to remedy that right now.(He doesnít move.)

KRISTEN:And how do you plan to do that without leaving that chair?

JOEY:(Whining.)I canít do it- Iím too tired.

CHANDLER:In the past week youíve brought home at least three girls and still found the time to hit on Kristen.

KRISTEN:No itís fine, I donít mind.

JOEY:(Changing his voice to flirty.)Really?

KRISTEN:Of course not.I took a self-defense course before I learned kickboxing.I never have a problem with men.

JOEY:(To Chandler.)You do realize that youíre in even bigger danger, right?

SCENE C:

(Itís Rossís apartment.Ross+Rachel enter.)

RACHEL:(Goes over to the couch and sits down.)So you think we should get them a card or something?

ROSS:(Goes into his room.)Nah, neither are the sentimental type.Kristen would probably want something different.

RACHEL:Like what?

ROSS:Like an iguana.Sheís different- sheís really cool.

RACHEL:(Jealous.)Wow, you um, think a lot of her huh?

ROSS:(We hear his voice.)Sheís really . . . fun and- and sexy, I still canít believe Chandler got someone like her.

RACHEL:(Muttering.)Sexier than me?

ROSS:(Comes of his room now wearing formal pants.)What?

RACHEL:(Looking down, slightly embarrassed.)I just wanted to know if you thought she was um- prettier than me.

ROSS:No, I wouldnít say that.

RACHEL:(Looks up at Ross.Smiling.)

ROSS:(Realizing heís staring at her.)So um-(Goes back into his room.) you never heard of this new guy Monicaís with right?

RACHEL:No, never.Itís strange because usually when she meets a new guy sheís always talking about it.I donít know, maybe weíre not as good friends as I thought.We should probably spend some more time together.

ROSS:(Comes out again.Now with a jacket and a tie.)So, weíre set?

RACHEL:Yeah . . . I need to drop by my place to change but weíre half done.

ROSS:Why do need to change?You look fine.

RACHEL:Fine isnít good enough.You look nice though.

ROSS:Thanks . . . (Stares at the floor, embarrassed.)

RACHEL:(Goes over to Ross and stands in front of him.Quickly she leans over and kisses him softly on the lips.After a moment she steps back.)

ROSS:(Softly.)Look, Rachel . . .

RACHEL:I know, I know.That was pretty stupid but I just- itís so great between you and me now.Weíre talking about stuff that we never even talked about when we were together.

ROSS:Yeah, I know.Itís been fun.

RACHEL:I just wanted to um- check if it was friendship or . . . something more.Because for a while there it felt like it could be something more but- it wasnít.

ROSS:(Shakes his head.)No, it wasnít.

RACHEL:So then weíre friends?

ROSS:Always, Rach.(He takes Rachelís hand.)

PHOEBE:(Standing by the door.)Perhaps Iíve seen too much.

RACHEL:Phoebe!You were eavesdropping!For how long?!

PHOEBE:Since around ďItís been fun.ĒAnd believe me it wasnít.You guys are like some old Beverly Hills 90210 rerun!

ROSS:OK, why are you here?

PHOEBE:OK, relax Dylan.I happened to leave my purse here, which has my credit card.And I canít by dinner without my credit card!

RACHEL:Why are you so hyper?

PHOEBE:Iím not hyper!Iím just a little worked up thatís all.Now if you donít mind Iíll be heading along now.Iím hungry enough to eat a horse or something.(Goes to the door.)

RACHEL:You donít eat meat.

PHOEBE:Well then a tree!(Exits.)

SCENE D:

(Itís the girlís apartment.Rachelís now dressed more formally and is writing down something on a posted.)

JOEY:(Enters.Heís wobbling around as if he were drunk.)

RACHEL:Hey Joey.Are you OK?

JOEY:Iím fine.So whatís up?(Stumbles around the apartment, nearly knocking over one of Monicaís lamps.)

RACHEL:Iím just writing Mon a note because sheís out on her date and- are you sure youíre OK?

JOEY:Chandler uh- (he closes his eyes for a moment and then they snap back open) Ė gave me some Nyquil.

RACHEL:Then you shouldnít be walking around; you should be in bed.

JOEY:Iíd try, but I have no feeling in my knees.

RACHEL:Why donít you just flop on the couch then?

JOEY:Cause I donít think I can flop.

RACHEL:Why donít you just take a nap on Monicaís bed?

JOEY:Why not yours?

RACHEL:Well, my bedís covered with hangers and clothes right now and- I really donít want you to pass out so Iím stuck on the couch for the night.

JOEY:What about Monica?

RACHEL:Who know, she could get lucky tonight.Plus she has that freakish strength which equals a better chance of getting you off a bed than I would.

JOEY:OK.(Begins to wobble over into Monicaís room.)

RACHEL:(Goes over to the door and opens it and sees Chandler in front of her.)Hey, I was just going out.

CHANDLER:Have you seen my wallet?

RACHEL:No, but feel free to look around.(Exits.)

CHANDLER:(Looks around him.)

(In Monicaís room.Joey has is standing near her bed with his eyes blinking repetitively as if he were trying hard not to pass out.)

JOEY:(We hear him thinking.)Now all I have to do- is just make it to the bed.Oh man, did Rachel leave?!

(In the living room.We see Chandler coming out of the bathroom, still searching.)

(In Monicaís room.)

JOEY:(Still thinking.)Now all I have to do is just take one little step . . .

(In the living room.We see Chandler coming out of Rachelís room.)

(In Monicaís room.)

JOEY:(Suddenly leans over and falls onto Monicaís bed . . . right on top of Monica.)

MONICA:(Her eyes snap open and she suddenly realizes Joeyís on top of her.Their faces are close together.)Joey?

JOEY:(Eyes open in response.)Huh- Monica?

CHANDLER:†† (Standing at the doorway.)Oh my gosh!

MONICA+JOEY:(Look at Chandler.)

MONICA:Itís not what you think.

JOEY:No- it isnít?

CHANDLER:Wait- so this was youíre so-called ďdate?Ē

MONICA:No!I donít even know how- Believe me-

CHANDLER:(Cutting Monica off.He suddenly appears to be angry.)And using ďJaimeĒ instead of Joey.Thatís very clever.I canít even believe this is really happening!

MONICA:Chandler it isnít happening!At least not the way you think it is!

JOEY:(Confused.)Wha- whatís happening?

CHANDLER:I donít know- I canít deal with this right now- I, I better go.(Leaves, shutting the door behind him.)

MONICA:(Pushing Joey off of her.)What are you doing here?

JOEY:I was trying to sleep.

MONICA:In my bed?

JOEY:I thought you were on a date!

MONICA:Oh right, that um- got cancelled.

JOEY:Works for me.(Passes out.)

SCENE E:

(Itís Central Perk.The next day.Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch.Phoebeís in the right chair.)

ROSS:And then she went over to that guy and told him off, in front of everyone!Saying that I knew more in my fingertip than he did in his entire brain.It was unbelievable!She totally defended me!She-

CHANDLER:Yeah-yeah-yeah Rachelís so great!Rachelís so brave!Rachelís so . . . a bodyguard!Would you give it a rest already?

PHOEBE:I know.Thanks to you Iím finishing up two pastries.Although, I am going to miss the fact that every time Ross rambles on I could just eat.Pregnancy turns your whole world upside down.

CHANDLER:Yes, and itís a good thing we have Ross to make us want to throw up.Especially during times of pregnancy.

ROSS:Rachel doesnít have a problem with me complimenting her.

CHANDLER:Rachel doesnít have a problem complimenting herself.

PHOEBE:(Giggles, but then covers her mouth.)

ROSS:(Getting up.)Are you insulting Rachel?You better not be insulting Rachel because I could take you right here and right now buddy?!Just give me a try!

CHANDLER:(Gives Phoebe a look as if to say ďDo you believe this guy?Ē)

PHOEBE:It was kind of mean Chandler.

CHANDLER:Yeah I know.(To Ross.)Iím sorry man.I just have something thatís bothering me.

ROSS:What is?

PHOEBE:I donít know.Donít ask me.

ROSS:I wasnít asking you.

PHOEBE:Then donít look at me when you say things.

ROSS:But, no-

CHANDLER:(Cutting Ross off.)Donít even try it man, itíll only make things worse.

RACHEL:(Coming from behind, she plops down next to Ross.) Hey guys!

CHANDLER:Hey Rach.

RACHEL:Um, if you donít mind . . . Iíd like to talk to Ross alone, OK?

PHOEBE:Well why donít you guys go somewhere else?

ROSS:What?

PHOEBE:You know get lost, take a hike, scram!

RACHEL:Why?

PHOEBE:Well why should Chandler and I have to leave just because you want to have some little . . . Dawsonís Creek moment?

ROSS:Whatís Dawsonís Creek?

CHANDLER:Yeah, what is it?

PHOEBE:(Laughing.)You guys are so old!

RACHEL:You know, actually Phoebs, Iíve never heard of it either.

PHOEBE:(Her smile disappears.)OK, then I need to get out more on weekday nights.(Gets up and makes her way out.)Iíll go now.

CHANDLER:Yeah me too.I need to return to all that wonderful hostility upstairs.

ROSS:You mean the hostility Kristen put towards you after she had pay for your dinner last night because you never found your wallet?

CHANDLER:(Sarcastically.)Funny.How about all the hostility Rachel is going to feel for you after I reveal that when you guys broke up that second time, you went on for weeks about how she put on a couple of pounds?

RACHEL:(Looks at Ross as if she were about to kill him.)

ROSS:(To Chandler.)Youíll pay for that one.

CHANDLER:Oh really, how?

ROSS:I do have access to a phone and Kristenís number.

CHANDLER:(Opens his mouth but nothing comes out.)I think thatís my cue to exit.(Exits.)

ROSS:So what did you want to talk to me about?

RACHEL:Put on a couple of pounds, huh?

ROSS:Iím presuming the subject of our conversation has changed.

RACHEL:Our conversation has become a discussion.A discussion on the debate of how should Ross Gellar die?

ROSS:Could I get some coffee first?

SCENE F:
(Itís the hallways between the two apartments.Chandler is standing in front the door to his apartment.)

CHANDLER:(Unlocks the door and enters.)

MONICA:(Is sitting in his chair.)Hey.

CHANDLER:Hi, what are you doing here?

MONICA:I just thought we should clear some things up.

CHANDLER:(Walks over to the counter and sits down on one of the bar seats.)I actually think theyíre as clear as crystal.

MONICA:Well, youíre wrong.

CHANDLER:Whereís Joey.

MONICA:Uggh.Heís like a log.I canít move him.Heís passed out on my bed.

CHANDLER:Well, that certainly says a lot about one night with you doesnít it?

MONICA:(In a warning tone.)Chandler . . .

CHANDLER:Iím kidding.

MONICA:So I guess youíve thought about the situation a little better now?

CHANDLER:Yes and Iíve drawn a blank.I know that it couldnít have been what it looked like but what else could it have been?

MONICA:It was me asleep on my bed, Joey nearly passed out and looking for a place to sleep, my room was dark so he couldnít see me, and he fell on top of me.And then you came in.

CHANDLER:OK . . .

MONICA:What?(Getting up.)You donít believe me?

CHANDLER:Oh no.Sure I believe you itís just . . .

MONICA:What?

CHANDLER:That kind of crap usually happens in some cheesy sitcom.

MONICA:Cheesy, eh?Well Iíll be the first to tell you that being with you for a minute is like watching ten cheesy sitcoms in one day.

CHANDLER:(Sarcastically.)And you get to be the boring co-star.

MONICA:(Smiles.She walks over and stands in front of Chandler.)OK, in all seriousness.Are we cool?

CHANDLER:Yeah but um- what about your date?

MONICA:Huh?

CHANDLER:That Jaime guy.

MONICA:Oh, you want the truth?

CHANDLER:Iíll settle for a lie but youíre going to have to pay me back, with interest, when I start questioning you about your clothing size in high school.

MONICA:There never was a date.

CHANDLER:(Shocked.) What?

MONICA:Iím sorry.Itís just- I donít have someone right now, Iím not feeling too good about it, and I didnít feel like spending an entire night celebrating a coupleís anniversary.

CHANDLER:But, I thought . . .

MONICA:Yes Chandler I am past it.It doesnít bother me anymore.Honestly.It doesnít have to do with you or Kristen, it has to do with all relationships in general.I really didnít want to have to be around another couple.It made me feel sad.And I know itís pathetic but itís the truth.

CHANDLER:Wow.

MONICA:I know, pretty embarrassing huh?

CHANDLER:No, itís not.I canít tell you how many times I avoided all of us going out with Ross and Rachel and go to some strip club to make myself feel better.

MONICA:†† Strip club huh?Well I dealt with it by going to sleep early.In itís way itís even sadder.

CHANDLER:Not so sad as the fact that when I was short on cash I just stayed home and looked at Playboy.

MONICA:I feel a little better but then again, all men are like that.

CHANDLER: I guess so.

(An awkward silence.)

MONICA:Iím gonna go.

CHANDLER:You could just hang out here with me.Iím not going to be doing anything.

MONICA:(Mischievously.)Oh, Iím sure of that.

CHANDLER:(Half-joking.)Did saying that make you feel better?

MONICA:No, Iíve got to clean the whole apartment.Itís been two days so . . .

CHANDLER:Right.

MONICA:(Goes over to the door.)Can I ask you a question though?

CHANDLER:Shoot.

MONICA:Did you really believe that I was sleeping with Joey?

CHANDLER:For a second there I actually did.

MONICA:Were you jealous?

CHANDLER:No.Of course not, thatís- thatís ridiculous.

MONICA:Then why did you get mad?

CHANDLER:Well, um . . .

MONICA:OK, now I feel better.(Exits.)

SCENE G:

(Itís Monicaís bedroom.The entire gang is standing by the door, except Joey, who is still passed out on the bed.)

MONICA:I canít believe this!Itís been almost twenty-four hours!

PHOEBE:(To Chandler.)Exactly how much Nyquil did you give him?

CHANDLER:Not a lot, I donít understand why he isnít waking up!

RACHEL:Relax, guys.Let me try something.(She clears her throat.)Pizza!

JOEY:(Doesnít wake up.)

ROSS:Sandwiches!

JOEY:(Doesnít wake up.)

PHOEBE:Oh my gosh!(To Chandler.)Youíve killed him!

CHANDLER:I didnít kill him!

PHOEBE:You know you guys, I really donít think I can stand to be in the same room as a murderer.

CHANDLER:Iím not a murderer!

PHOEBE:And now theyíre going to call me, Iíll have to go on the stand, Iíll have to testify and oh- they probably consider me as an accomplice!This is all your fault!

ROSS:Phoebe, breathe.Now Iím sure thereís got to be something we can do to wake Joey up.

CHANDLER:Iíve got it.

RACHEL:What is it?

CHANDLER:PHOEBEíS NAKED!

PHOEBE:(Looks shocked and angry.)

JOEY:(His eyes open and he slowly gets up.)No sheís not!Whoa- wait is this a dream?

RACHEL:Actually, yes it is.

JOEY:I get why you and Monica and Phoebe are here, but what are the guys doing here?

CHANDLER:Weíre here to um- cheer you on Jo.

JOEY:Really?

CHANDLER:Itís been Rossís life-long goal.

ROSS:(Glares at Chandler.)