By Alyssa (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)
I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom FRIENDS.
This fanfic supposedly takes place after “The One After Rachel Says Ross.” Sarah Paulson’s back as Kristen. This fanfic revolves around tension between Ross and Rachel and Chandler and Monica. Comments, suggestions, and anything else are all welcome. Write me at Joya_Preciosa@hotmail.com
Scene A:
(It’s the guy’s apartment- Chandler’s room.)
CHANDLER: (Is asleep.)
JOEY: (Enters. He goes over to Chandler and taps him on the shoulder.)
CHANDLER: (Wakes up, looks at Joey quickly, relaxes, and then looks back up again, confused and grumpy.) Joey, what the hell are you doing here?
JOEY: (Like a child.) I can’t sleep.
CHANDLER: Why don’t you go take some drugs or something? There are sleeping pills in the bathroom.
JOEY: (Still like a child.) I can’t swallow pills- they’re, they’re too big.
CHANDLER: Well, can’t you just find something to do? Why don’t you watch some TV or something?
JOEY: Dude, there’s nothing on!
CHANDLER: Go bug the girls then!
JOEY: I did. Rachel threw a pillow at me and Monica hit me!
CHANDLER: Maybe it’s because people don’t like being waken up at- (Looks at his clock.) –three o’clock in the morning!
JOEY: (Whining.) But I’m bored!
CHANDLER: Go bother someone else! Go over to Phoebe’s!
JOEY: I’m not gonna bother a pregnant woman this late!
CHANDLER: You mean early. Oh my gosh, I never thought I’d actually say this but I wish I was pregnant!
JOEY: Come on man! I’m bored out my mind here!
CHANDLER: Go to Ross!
JOEY: Yeah, right. The last person I want to talk to when I’m bored is Ross.
SCENE B:
(It’s Central Perk. The whole gang is there + Kristen. Monica’s in the right chair and Joey’s in the left. In this order from left to right, Chandler, Kristen, Ross, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Phoebe’s hanging out near Joey on the closest chair by the counter.)
PHOEBE: (To Joey.) What’s the matter with you, you look awful!
JOEY: It’s so weird- I can’t sleep.
CHANDLER: Yes and he’s striving to make sure no one else does either.
PHOEBE: What do you mean?
RACHEL: He means Joey was scaring the hell out of me in the middle of the night.
MONICA: And me.
CHANDLER: Which is why I’m staying over at Kristen’s tonight.
KRISTEN: And do you know what today is?
CHANDLER: What?
KRISTEN: Our two-month anniversary. We should like- go do something different. Do you want to go to Rhode Island?
CHANDLER: What?
KRISTEN: No it’ll be fun, we can just take off. I’ll rent a car and we’ll go and just sleep at the first crappy motel we find. What do you say?
PHOEBE: Why don’t we just all go out to dinner tonight?
CHANDLER: You want to do that?
PHOEBE: Yeah, to celebrate the fact that nobody can believe you’ve made it this far with Kristen.
CHANDLER: Now that makes me feel good.
KRISTEN: So we’re going to dinner?
CHANDLER: I guess so.
KRISTEN: What about we go to Rhode Island afterwards?
MONICA: (Clearing her throat.) You know what guys; I don’t think I’ll be able to make it to dinner.
ROSS: How come?
MONICA: Well I um, kinda, have a date.
CHANDLER: (Looks surprised.)
RACHEL: Wait a minute, why didn’t I find out about this?
MONICA: Well, it he just asked me out earlier today.
PHOEBE: So what’s his name?
MONICA: Uh- Jaime.
RACHEL: So is he cute, what’s he look like?
KRISTEN: Tall, dark, and handsome?
MONICA: You could say that. He’s got, um, the most adorable eyes. They’re like a- puppy dog’s eyes.
CHANDLER: (Is uncomfortable.)
RACHEL: No, that would be Ross.
ROSS: Oh, stop. Hey, don’t we have to catch that movie? We better hurry because afterwards we’ve got to be going to dinner.
RACHEL: Oh, right! (She gets up and makes her way to the door.)
ROSS: (Follows Rachel out.)
ROSS/RACHEL: Bye!/See you later!
ROSS+RACHEL: (Exit.)
KRISTEN: Were they flirting or something?
PHOEBE: That’s what it looked like.
KRISTEN: I actually think they would make an adorable couple. Ross and Rachel, it’s sweet.
MONICA: Well, actually they did date. And once they fought and broke up-
CHANDLER: (Cutting Monica off.) Twice.
MONICA: We got to see the not so cute side.
CHANDLER: You know, they have been spending a lot of extra time together lately.
MONICA: You don’t think that they’re . . . sealing the deal- again, do you?
CHANDLER: If it did happen they’d tell us about it.
PHOEBE: Have you guys noticed that Joey hasn’t blinked since he last spoke? He’s just staring straight ahead! It’s creepy.
CHANDLER: Joey . . .
JOEY: (Turns to Chandler slowly.)
CHANDLER: Would you like me to get you some Nyquil?
JOEY: There’s no need. I figured out the problem.
PHOEBE: Oh yeah, what is it?
JOEY: I just haven’t been having as much sex as I used to. I’m going to remedy that right now. (He doesn’t move.)
KRISTEN: And how do you plan to do that without leaving that chair?
JOEY: (Whining.) I can’t do it- I’m too tired.
CHANDLER: In the past week you’ve brought home at least three girls and still found the time to hit on Kristen.
KRISTEN: No it’s fine, I don’t mind.
JOEY: (Changing his voice to flirty.) Really?
KRISTEN: Of course not. I took a self-defense course before I learned kickboxing. I never have a problem with men.
JOEY: (To Chandler.) You do realize that you’re in even bigger danger, right?
SCENE C:
(It’s Ross’s apartment. Ross+Rachel enter.)
RACHEL: (Goes over to the couch and sits down.) So you think we should get them a card or something?
ROSS: (Goes into his room.) Nah, neither are the sentimental type. Kristen would probably want something different.
RACHEL: Like what?
ROSS: Like an iguana. She’s different- she’s really cool.
RACHEL: (Jealous.) Wow, you um, think a lot of her huh?
ROSS: (We hear his voice.) She’s really . . . fun and- and sexy, I still can’t believe Chandler got someone like her.
RACHEL: (Muttering.) Sexier than me?
ROSS: (Comes of his room now wearing formal pants.) What?
RACHEL: (Looking down, slightly embarrassed.) I just wanted to know if you thought she was um- prettier than me.
ROSS: No, I wouldn’t say that.
RACHEL: (Looks up at Ross. Smiling.)
ROSS: (Realizing he’s staring at her.) So um- (Goes back into his room.) you never heard of this new guy Monica’s with right?
RACHEL: No, never. It’s strange because usually when she meets a new guy she’s always talking about it. I don’t know, maybe we’re not as good friends as I thought. We should probably spend some more time together.
ROSS: (Comes out again. Now with a jacket and a tie.) So, we’re set?
RACHEL: Yeah . . . I need to drop by my place to change but we’re half done.
ROSS: Why do need to change? You look fine.
RACHEL: Fine isn’t good enough. You look nice though.
ROSS: Thanks . . . (Stares at the floor, embarrassed.)
RACHEL: (Goes over to Ross and stands in front of him. Quickly she leans over and kisses him softly on the lips. After a moment she steps back.)
ROSS: (Softly.) Look, Rachel . . .
RACHEL: I know, I know. That was pretty stupid but I just- it’s so great between you and me now. We’re talking about stuff that we never even talked about when we were together.
ROSS: Yeah, I know. It’s been fun.
RACHEL: I just wanted to um- check if it was friendship or . . . something more. Because for a while there it felt like it could be something more but- it wasn’t.
ROSS: (Shakes his head.) No, it wasn’t.
RACHEL: So then we’re friends?
ROSS: Always, Rach. (He takes Rachel’s hand.)
PHOEBE: (Standing by the door.) Perhaps I’ve seen too much.
RACHEL: Phoebe! You were eavesdropping! For how long?!
PHOEBE: Since around “It’s been fun.” And believe me it wasn’t. You guys are like some old Beverly Hills 90210 rerun!
ROSS: OK, why are you here?
PHOEBE: OK, relax Dylan. I happened to leave my purse here, which has my credit card. And I can’t by dinner without my credit card!
RACHEL: Why are you so hyper?
PHOEBE: I’m not hyper! I’m just a little worked up that’s all. Now if you don’t mind I’ll be heading along now. I’m hungry enough to eat a horse or something. (Goes to the door.)
RACHEL: You don’t eat meat.
PHOEBE: Well then a tree! (Exits.)
SCENE D:
(It’s the girl’s apartment. Rachel’s now dressed more formally and is writing down something on a posted.)
JOEY: (Enters. He’s wobbling around as if he were drunk.)
RACHEL: Hey Joey. Are you OK?
JOEY: I’m fine. So what’s up? (Stumbles around the apartment, nearly knocking over one of Monica’s lamps.)
RACHEL: I’m just writing Mon a note because she’s out on her date and- are you sure you’re OK?
JOEY: Chandler uh- (he closes his eyes for a moment and then they snap back open) – gave me some Nyquil.
RACHEL: Then you shouldn’t be walking around; you should be in bed.
JOEY: I’d try, but I have no feeling in my knees.
RACHEL: Why don’t you just flop on the couch then?
JOEY: Cause I don’t think I can flop.
RACHEL: Why don’t you just take a nap on Monica’s bed?
JOEY: Why not yours?
RACHEL: Well, my bed’s covered with hangers and clothes right now and- I really don’t want you to pass out so I’m stuck on the couch for the night.
JOEY: What about Monica?
RACHEL: Who know, she could get lucky tonight. Plus she has that freakish strength which equals a better chance of getting you off a bed than I would.
JOEY: OK. (Begins to wobble over into Monica’s room.)
RACHEL: (Goes over to the door and opens it and sees Chandler in front of her.) Hey, I was just going out.
CHANDLER: Have you seen my wallet?
RACHEL: No, but feel free to look around. (Exits.)
CHANDLER: (Looks around him.)
(In Monica’s room. Joey has is standing near her bed with his eyes blinking repetitively as if he were trying hard not to pass out.)
JOEY: (We hear him thinking.) Now all I have to do- is just make it to the bed. Oh man, did Rachel leave?!
(In the living room. We see Chandler coming out of the bathroom, still searching.)
(In Monica’s room.)
JOEY: (Still thinking.) Now all I have to do is just take one little step . . .
(In the living room. We see Chandler coming out of Rachel’s room.)
(In Monica’s room.)
JOEY: (Suddenly leans over and falls onto Monica’s bed . . . right on top of Monica.)
MONICA: (Her eyes snap open and she suddenly realizes Joey’s on top of her. Their faces are close together.) Joey?
JOEY: (Eyes open in response.) Huh- Monica?
CHANDLER: (Standing at the doorway.) Oh my gosh!
MONICA+JOEY: (Look at Chandler.)
MONICA: It’s not what you think.
JOEY: No- it isn’t?
CHANDLER: Wait- so this was you’re so-called “date?”
MONICA: No! I don’t even know how- Believe me-
CHANDLER: (Cutting Monica off. He suddenly appears to be angry.) And using “Jaime” instead of Joey. That’s very clever. I can’t even believe this is really happening!
MONICA: Chandler it isn’t happening! At least not the way you think it is!
JOEY: (Confused.) Wha- what’s happening?
CHANDLER: I don’t know- I can’t deal with this right now- I, I better go. (Leaves, shutting the door behind him.)
MONICA: (Pushing Joey off of her.) What are you doing here?
JOEY: I was trying to sleep.
MONICA: In my bed?
JOEY: I thought you were on a date!
MONICA: Oh right, that um- got cancelled.
JOEY: Works for me. (Passes out.)
SCENE E:
(It’s Central Perk. The next day. Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch. Phoebe’s in the right chair.)
ROSS: And then she went over to that guy and told him off, in front of everyone! Saying that I knew more in my fingertip than he did in his entire brain. It was unbelievable! She totally defended me! She-
CHANDLER: Yeah-yeah-yeah Rachel’s so great! Rachel’s so brave! Rachel’s so . . . a bodyguard! Would you give it a rest already?
PHOEBE: I know. Thanks to you I’m finishing up two pastries. Although, I am going to miss the fact that every time Ross rambles on I could just eat. Pregnancy turns your whole world upside down.
CHANDLER: Yes, and it’s a good thing we have Ross to make us want to throw up. Especially during times of pregnancy.
ROSS: Rachel doesn’t have a problem with me complimenting her.
CHANDLER: Rachel doesn’t have a problem complimenting herself.
PHOEBE: (Giggles, but then covers her mouth.)
ROSS: (Getting up.) Are you insulting Rachel? You better not be insulting Rachel because I could take you right here and right now buddy?! Just give me a try!
CHANDLER: (Gives Phoebe a look as if to say “Do you believe this guy?”)
PHOEBE: It was kind of mean Chandler.
CHANDLER: Yeah I know. (To Ross.) I’m sorry man. I just have something that’s bothering me.
ROSS: What is?
PHOEBE: I don’t know. Don’t ask me.
ROSS: I wasn’t asking you.
PHOEBE: Then don’t look at me when you say things.
ROSS: But, no-
CHANDLER: (Cutting Ross off.) Don’t even try it man, it’ll only make things worse.
RACHEL: (Coming from behind, she plops down next to Ross.) Hey guys!
CHANDLER: Hey Rach.
RACHEL: Um, if you don’t mind . . . I’d like to talk to Ross alone, OK?
PHOEBE: Well why don’t you guys go somewhere else?
ROSS: What?
PHOEBE: You know get lost, take a hike, scram!
RACHEL: Why?
PHOEBE: Well why should Chandler and I have to leave just because you want to have some little . . . Dawson’s Creek moment?
ROSS: What’s Dawson’s Creek?
CHANDLER: Yeah, what is it?
PHOEBE: (Laughing.) You guys are so old!
RACHEL: You know, actually Phoebs, I’ve never heard of it either.
PHOEBE: (Her smile disappears.) OK, then I need to get out more on weekday nights. (Gets up and makes her way out.) I’ll go now.
CHANDLER: Yeah me too. I need to return to all that wonderful hostility upstairs.
ROSS: You mean the hostility Kristen put towards you after she had pay for your dinner last night because you never found your wallet?
CHANDLER: (Sarcastically.) Funny. How about all the hostility Rachel is going to feel for you after I reveal that when you guys broke up that second time, you went on for weeks about how she put on a couple of pounds?
RACHEL: (Looks at Ross as if she were about to kill him.)
ROSS: (To Chandler.) You’ll pay for that one.
CHANDLER: Oh really, how?
ROSS: I do have access to a phone and Kristen’s number.
CHANDLER: (Opens his mouth but nothing comes out.) I think that’s my cue to exit. (Exits.)
ROSS: So what did you want to talk to me about?
RACHEL: Put on a couple of pounds, huh?
ROSS: I’m presuming the subject of our conversation has changed.
RACHEL: Our conversation has become a discussion. A discussion on the debate of how should Ross Gellar die?
ROSS: Could I get some coffee first?
SCENE F:
(It’s the hallways between the two apartments.
Chandler is standing in front the door to his apartment.)
CHANDLER: (Unlocks the door and enters.)
MONICA: (Is sitting in his chair.) Hey.
CHANDLER: Hi, what are you doing here?
MONICA: I just thought we should clear some things up.
CHANDLER: (Walks over to the counter and sits down on one of the bar seats.) I actually think they’re as clear as crystal.
MONICA: Well, you’re wrong.
CHANDLER: Where’s Joey.
MONICA: Uggh. He’s like a log. I can’t move him. He’s passed out on my bed.
CHANDLER: Well, that certainly says a lot about one night with you doesn’t it?
MONICA: (In a warning tone.) Chandler . . .
CHANDLER: I’m kidding.
MONICA: So I guess you’ve thought about the situation a little better now?
CHANDLER: Yes and I’ve drawn a blank. I know that it couldn’t have been what it looked like but what else could it have been?
MONICA: It was me asleep on my bed, Joey nearly passed out and looking for a place to sleep, my room was dark so he couldn’t see me, and he fell on top of me. And then you came in.
CHANDLER: OK . . .
MONICA: What? (Getting up.) You don’t believe me?
CHANDLER: Oh no. Sure I believe you it’s just . . .
MONICA: What?
CHANDLER: That kind of crap usually happens in some cheesy sitcom.
MONICA: Cheesy, eh? Well I’ll be the first to tell you that being with you for a minute is like watching ten cheesy sitcoms in one day.
CHANDLER: (Sarcastically.) And you get to be the boring co-star.
MONICA: (Smiles. She walks over and stands in front of Chandler.) OK, in all seriousness. Are we cool?
CHANDLER: Yeah but um- what about your date?
MONICA: Huh?
CHANDLER: That Jaime guy.
MONICA: Oh, you want the truth?
CHANDLER: I’ll settle for a lie but you’re going to have to pay me back, with interest, when I start questioning you about your clothing size in high school.
MONICA: There never was a date.
CHANDLER: (Shocked.) What?
MONICA: I’m sorry. It’s just- I don’t have someone right now, I’m not feeling too good about it, and I didn’t feel like spending an entire night celebrating a couple’s anniversary.
CHANDLER: But, I thought . . .
MONICA: Yes Chandler I am past it. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Honestly. It doesn’t have to do with you or Kristen, it has to do with all relationships in general. I really didn’t want to have to be around another couple. It made me feel sad. And I know it’s pathetic but it’s the truth.
CHANDLER: Wow.
MONICA: I know, pretty embarrassing huh?
CHANDLER: No, it’s not. I can’t tell you how many times I avoided all of us going out with Ross and Rachel and go to some strip club to make myself feel better.
MONICA: Strip club huh? Well I dealt with it by going to sleep early. In it’s way it’s even sadder.
CHANDLER: Not so sad as the fact that when I was short on cash I just stayed home and looked at Playboy.
MONICA: I feel a little better but then again, all men are like that.
CHANDLER: I guess so.
(An awkward silence.)
MONICA: I’m gonna go.
CHANDLER: You could just hang out here with me. I’m not going to be doing anything.
MONICA: (Mischievously.) Oh, I’m sure of that.
CHANDLER: (Half-joking.) Did saying that make you feel better?
MONICA: No, I’ve got to clean the whole apartment. It’s been two days so . . .
CHANDLER: Right.
MONICA: (Goes over to the door.) Can I ask you a question though?
CHANDLER: Shoot.
MONICA: Did you really believe that I was sleeping with Joey?
CHANDLER: For a second there I actually did.
MONICA: Were you jealous?
CHANDLER: No. Of course not, that’s- that’s ridiculous.
MONICA: Then why did you get mad?
CHANDLER: Well, um . . .
MONICA: OK, now I feel better. (Exits.)
SCENE G:
(It’s Monica’s bedroom. The entire gang is standing by the door, except Joey, who is still passed out on the bed.)
MONICA: I can’t believe this! It’s been almost twenty-four hours!
PHOEBE: (To Chandler.) Exactly how much Nyquil did you give him?
CHANDLER: Not a lot, I don’t understand why he isn’t waking up!
RACHEL: Relax, guys. Let me try something. (She clears her throat.) Pizza!
JOEY: (Doesn’t wake up.)
ROSS: Sandwiches!
JOEY: (Doesn’t wake up.)
PHOEBE: Oh my gosh! (To Chandler.) You’ve killed him!
CHANDLER: I didn’t kill him!
PHOEBE: You know you guys, I really don’t think I can stand to be in the same room as a murderer.
CHANDLER: I’m not a murderer!
PHOEBE: And now they’re going to call me, I’ll have to go on the stand, I’ll have to testify and oh- they probably consider me as an accomplice! This is all your fault!
ROSS: Phoebe, breathe. Now I’m sure there’s got to be something we can do to wake Joey up.
CHANDLER: I’ve got it.
RACHEL: What is it?
CHANDLER: PHOEBE’S NAKED!
PHOEBE: (Looks shocked and angry.)
JOEY: (His eyes open and he slowly gets up.) No she’s not! Whoa- wait is this a dream?
RACHEL: Actually, yes it is.
JOEY: I get why you and Monica and Phoebe are here, but what are the guys doing here?
CHANDLER: We’re here to um- cheer you on Jo.
JOEY: Really?
CHANDLER: It’s been Ross’s life-long goal.
ROSS: (Glares at Chandler.)